Category Archives: video’s

Dog Day of Summer

I’m supposed to be furnishing the room upstairs so we can start doing spa treatments up there.  My broken armed therapist is on my tail.

Broken armed therapist – “I went up there today to see how it looked and it’s a disaster!”





I gave one massage earlier today and went to Koels to buy curtains for the new room and now here I am.  Laying in bed with my dog and my laptop on my lap while watching Knights of Sidonia on Netflix.

I ate lunch and decided that’s it, I’m in for the night.  I love being in for the night!  So what if it’s 3 o’clock on a beautiful Friday afternoon.  So what if I got shit tons of shit to do?

My dog farted.

This is the holiday weekend.  I’m taking a break.  And my friend offered to help hang up my curtains next week, so I’ll just get everything done then.  It ain’t much and I bought everything I need already.

This is true peace for me.  It’s bliss.  Now only if my dog can shut up and stop hogging the bed.

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It’s Alive! Alive!

Atop my shoulder sits a hair.

Wily it moves as it sways through the air.

It tickles my cheek,

Whispers words that are sweet,

And yes you heard correctly,

my hair doth speak!

“Reach for the stars”

A tiny voice says.

“Look at me!  I’m almost as tall as a tree!”

My hair frolics and dances and provides good company.

My new friend occurred quite


“There there now, life is cake.

You must stretch yourself  and

you will not break.

Roots become stronger, the longer you grow.

That’s the way of life,

Quid pro quo.”

I found this ghastly hair growing out of my shoulder yesterday.  It was moving as if it were alive.


Anyway, what’s up with me other than my illogically long shoulder hair?

Life.  Life is what’s up.  It happens and I can’t do anything about it.

It’s happening as we speak.

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m laying in bed rhyming about one absurdly long shoulder hair.

“Live life fully Melanie!  Get up and live!”

Shut up stupid hair.

My Dad’s best friend died last week.  I called him Uncle Sparky and attended his Halloween parties and New Years eve parties every year when I was a kid.

I call these people “The Greats.”  Our foundation of stability and love – the cradle I was born into but not just cradling me, but my parents too.  We always had them.  Their doors were always open.

I started thinking about how some day, no one will be left.  All I’ll have is my brother who refuses to speak to me, but he refuses to speak to mostly everyone.

And I was sinking back into the dreaded “What’s the point of it all?” outlook on life.

Uncle Sparky’s wife died a few years ago and everyone at his funeral said that made things easier.  So now they can be together.  But for me (being selfish), it was harder because now they’re both gone.  Their festive house is gone, their vegetable garden, gone, my parents going over once a week for visits, gone.

Everyone going but my brother who is still here, is gone to me too.

Unless you’re made of stone, it’s hard not to feel the emptiness.

One of my friends posted a video on my Facebook page about chakra’s.

This is a HUGE reason why I watch these cartoons.  I never gave chakra’s a second thought until seeing this cartoon but everything about it fits in perfect with what ayahuasca taught me.

My biggest hurdle, the one I can’t release, is my thought chakra.  The one on top of my head.  I have too much attachment, too much sentiment.  Sentiment is more like sediment.

Ayahuasca kept trying to drill it into me to “let go.”  Over and over she told me this.  She also told me that this world is an illusion meant to test your courage to let go and to trust.  Once you let go, you’ll not need God (or anyone) because you become him – you are him.

Ayahuasca – “Don’t rely on God.  Rely on yourself.  You are God.  You’re here to learn awareness of that.”

Me – “But why do I have to be here in the physical world to learn it?”

Ayahuasca – “You can only become aware of something once you’ve been separated from it.”

We’re him right now, God, but we have no awareness of that so we turn to faith which is not the same as actual knowing.  It’s just a substitute for the real thing.  We have faith that God is in us.

That’s not awareness.

Ayahuasca said I’m here to learn how to let go and to trust.

My brother unfriended me on Facebook.  If I’m hurt by this, it only means that I’m still attached to my ego and can’t let go of fear.  Fear that the one person in my life that will always be there, won’t be.

As long as I keep the pain going, I’m still attached, I’m still connected to my brother in some way.  Just like my Uncle Sparky stayed with the pain after his wife died – it was his only connection to her that kept her alive.

If I escape it, if I ignore it, if I place blame and judgement and rationalize that it’s for the best he’s out of my life – that’s not letting go.  It’s holding on to hate and anger.

But how do I let go?

I bought an audiobook about chakras.  It’s pretty good.  I’ll post the important stuff I learn from it.

I’m actually okay, I always am for the most part.  But I experienced the emptiness once or twice before and I never want to go back there again.

It’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone and no matter what a person does to me, I ALWAYS forgive them – there is not one person in my entire life that I can say I won’t forgive.  And I keep comparing them to me.  That’s where the problems start.

“How can they do this?  I’d never do this to them.  I don’t understand.”

This is a form of judgement and judgement doesn’t allow for understanding.  It’s like a sentence – a justice.  The gavel came down and ended the hearing.  Blame has been placed and we can all move on.

I have to understand that everyone is different and I need to accept them, which I do over and over again (at least, I think I do).

But then when I do feel like I let go in the proper way, I look straight ahead and forge on with my life and I wonder, what’s the point?  Why live only for myself?  I’d rather die.  I edge myself closer to the void.

And I look to see where I went wrong.  To see all the mistakes I’ve made.  And when it comes down to it, everything that’s happened to me was inevitable.  Unavoidable.  I had no influence what-so-ever.

Ayahuasca told me that everything happens for a reason.  Every detail fits into the larger.  My life is directly affected by other people and vice versa.  All leading up to the single goal of letting go.

I have fear in me that can only be addressed by situations outside my control.  No matter how hard I tried to fix my mistakes, I tried fixing them out of fear.  Not love, not trust, but fear.  Fear of living a pointless, meaningless existence, fear of the ultimate misery of loneliness – a verdict worse than death.

Ayahuasca showed me all this and I cried for myself.  I felt compassion for myself.

The other day I binge watched The Quest on Netflix which is a reality show where the contestants vote each other off.  One woman stood behind a man to vote for him simply because she felt everyone should have at least one person standing behind them.  She stood behind him even though she didn’t like him and was glad he was being voted off.

But then when it came her turn, nobody stood behind her.  She was the only contestant during the entire show that had nobody standing behind her.

I found this interesting because I understand that everything happens for a reason, but how is it that the one person who understood the importance of other people’s feelings was left standing alone?  The one person who made such a fuss about it?

She was well liked, she wasn’t an asshole or anything like that, so why did this happen?

She stood behind him out of fear.  Her own fear guided her to do it.  It wasn’t out of compassion, but more like “do unto others what you would want done unto you” sort of thing.  A pay it forward.

This is how karma works.  It doesn’t matter how many good deeds you do, if you do things out of fear, it will bite you in the ass no matter how noble you are.

She needed to learn to let go.  To do things not expecting reciprocation, not because that’s how you yourself would want to be treated.  Because in a way, that’s selfish.

You should do things simply because it’s the right thing to do.

And my brother not speaking to me anymore may seem like the wrong thing, but it’s still his choice.  I have to accept it.  And that shouldn’t influence me into also doing the wrong thing.

I do things for people.  Not because I’m scared of them not liking me, or that it’s the way I want to be treated – no, I do things for people because I love them.  And I’ll alway love my bro, so I have to be strong and keep doing what’s right.

Ayahuasca told me none of this matters.  All the hurt, all the pain, none of it matters.  It’s not real.

I just have to focus on doing what’s right and living solely for myself doesn’t feel right to me.  The only thing that feels right is to trust the process that all will be well in the end.

And acting all righteous and shit is no better.  Being the bigger person is crap.

I just texted my bro telling him that I love him.  I hope he doesn’t read into it like I’m being the bigger person thereby making him feel small and wrong.

Telling someone you love them can backfire.  Being the bigger person can backfire.

But I did it because it’s true and it was the right thing to do.

Strength and believing in yourself…..lots of strength, lots of belief.

He texted back “I love you too little sis.”

How do you let go?  No effort.  That’s how.

No effort.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, video's


It’s been forever ago that I went, or at least it seems like forever ago.  I got back January 15th or so, and now it’s April 6th and I’m just now writing about it.

I didn’t keep a journal while I was there which is the one major reason why I didn’t write about it.

So anyway… trip to Thailand…..what’s there to say really?  It was awesome, a backpackers dreamland, and now I’m back home laying in my own bed safe and sound like it never happened.

The truth is, I still don’t feel much like writing about it.  So in lieu of writing, I’m going to post all the video’s I made while I was over there regardless of how drunk and ridiculous I sounded.

Here’s Day 1:  My arrival

I was EXHAUSTED, unwashed, a complete mess upon my arrival.  I felt like talking to someone so I rambled on like a fool.

Day 2:  The day before Brianna arrived.

I was left to my own devices and wanted to test my navigational skills by making my way around Bangkok all by my lonesome.

Day ?:

As soon as my travel buddy arrived, I no longer made video’s everyday because it’s embarrassing to do it in front of people.  But here’s a video I made when I was extremely drunk and ranting about a girl who was giving me a hard time for being American.

I remember this night and it was not half as bad as I made it out to be.  It was fun in fact and I wasn’t even all that upset.  I even made friends with the girl by the end of the night because I’m pretty damn charming when I want to be.  Brianna was more upset than I was.

Day ?:  Going to Cambodia

Me and Brianna were on our way to a meditation retreat in far off lands away from the tourists and temples and found ourselves lost in a small town having no idea how to get to the meditation retreat.  She showed me the directions the monk gave her and they were nearly indecipherable as to how we should get there.  So we winged it in hopes we’d get lucky.  But we found no luck and we both decided to go to Cambodia instead.

Last leg of my trip:  Stuck in China

Here I messed up on my plane ticket home.  I didn’t realize I booked myself a flight home that had over a 24 hour layover.

The China airport were saints at handling this by giving me a free hotel room with the shuttle included.  I can’t stress this enough – they were saints!  And this is how I met my new best friend from Alaska, Amanda.

She messed up on her flight too.  We spent most of the night together, and then the next day too.  We walked around the industrial town we were stuck in before shuttling off to the airport together.  At the airport we chatted the entire time.  It wasn’t just us though, there were others in our group who also messed up their flights.  We all ate together and been bored together.

It was the perfect ending to a perfect trip.  It was perfect because it showed me that I’m NEVER alone.  Not only am I never alone, but I meet best-friend quality people wherever I go.  Everywhere Brianna and I went, we met people to hang with.  And even me, by myself, I met people too.

Everything about it was a beautiful experience from head to toe.

For my next trip, I HAVE to take more video’s.  I have to.  Or I at least have to keep a travel journal on the days I don’t make a video.

It’s just that I have this immense desire to document everything.

This desire dates back from before I was able to write.  Before I started kindergarten, I found the cutest little journal with a lock and key and before I could spell my own name, I opened it up and started scribbling.  I accidentally wrote my first word – my brother pointed it out to my parents and was flummoxed by it.

That was my first journal and I wish I wish I still had it.  You never forget your first.

I can’t hold off writing about my trips.  There’s so much I missed it’s ridiculous.

Getting high and swimming in the Mekong, having sex with a hot German on New Years (who still emails me), riding on a horribly bumpy bus for 14 hours while having travelers diarrhea (It’s the kind that you can’t hold in and it comes out of you like pee) – that could’ve been my most interesting post.  Eating scorpions, riding elephants, bamboo rafting, camping outside by myself in the freezing cold and having to stoke the fire every few minutes just to keep warm……lol yes, good times.

Here’s an over-all video compilation of everything.  My iPhone at the time was only 16 bits and almost two years old so again, I had very limited video and photo space.  Having limited video capacity and no wifi was ultimately the reason why I didn’t take many video’s – I literally couldn’t.


Filed under journal, Travel, video's

Here’s a transfixed ramble before I leave for Thailand tonight!

I woke up last night at 3 A.M feeling like I had to throw up.

“Why do I have to throw up?  I haven’t drank anything.”

Then a mini thunder storm erupted in my bowels.

“What did I eat?”

I wanted to get up, but couldn’t.  Every muscle felt weak.  All I could do was lay in bed and decide on whether I wanted to puke or to shit.  Then I realized I’d have to do both sooner or later and I wondered which one will happen first.  Which one I had the least control over.  And that was shit.

I shit like I never shit before.  Then I brushed my teeth because it was 3 A.M and I had morning mouth already – I threw up while I was brushing my teeth.

And so I brushed again.

But man I was sick.  Dizzy, out of breath, brain malfunctioning, black spots.

I couldn’t stand for more than a minute without needing to sit down.

Why?  From half a malaria pill that’s why!  I went online and read the side-effects and one of them were seizures – seizures!  I knew in my heart of hearts that what I was feeling (brain malfunctioning, light-headedness, black spots), are all symptoms leading up to a seizure.  I just knew, you know?  So yeah, no more malaria pills for this girl.  I’ll take my chances with the bugs.

The exhaustion I felt yesterday was impenetrable.  I couldn’t watch tv without feeling sick – I couldn’t listen to my audiobook.  Have you ever felt that sick?

It’s now the next day.  I missed my window to go to the Thai embassy in NY so I’m hoping they’ll still let me on the plane to Thailand.

My stomach is gurgling.  I have a client coming in an hour and a half.

It’s a few days later.  One day away from Thailand and omg…..


I underwent a series of events yesterday all leading up to a new understanding about life.  It was incredible.  It all started with my new employee when she spelled the word “does” wrong.


I cringed at the sight of it.

“There’s a reason why I didn’t hire her in the first place.”

The way my brain operates is, I try to see all sides of a situation before my judgements blind me from seeing truth.  I won’t go into too much detail, but I was once again brought to the conclusion that whatever you believe about a person, you will find.  You’ll keep finding truth to your judgements until that person’s own belief about themselves rises to meet your challenge.

If you dumb yourself down, holding back judgement, in a way, that person you’re holding judgment from will never evolve.  Placating people is a means to enable them.  And when you enable a person – nobody has any power.  It’s a stalemate and an egoic feeding frenzy that circulates back and forth into a spiral.  Placating is not diplomatic, it’s conforming – conceding.  Nobody wins.

I usually close my eyes and say to myself, “all will be well.”  I try not to judge and instead, close my eyes.  If I didn’t close my eyes, nobody will ever like me.  Trust me, they wouldn’t.

“You meant to say “does”, right?”

But what it comes down to is this; (when you’re not enabling stupid behavior and you’re being forthright in your assessments) if their power of belief about themselves overcasts your initial assessment of them, they become worthy of respect.  And since we all judge people from our own perspectives and values, what we believe about someone may be completely opposite of what someone else see’s in them.

The thing I value most is intelligence.  Lack of intelligence is the only thing that annoys me about people.  Feeling annoyed is a subtle branch of anger and hatred.  It’s placing blame to avoid having to deal with our own issues. If we accept people for who they are, this annoyance towards them disappears (it taken me 11 years to realize this).  However, when their behavior affects you in a way where you can’t accept it, remaining passive with your eyes closed will not benefit anyone.

It is more compassionate and giving to express your anger rather than holding onto it.  Expressing anger to someone who upset you is the more compassionate choice.

Since I judge people based on their intelligence, I have absolute power over anyone who annoys me for the sole reason that I don’t care what they think about me.

“Prove to me that you’re not an idiot.  I don’t need to prove anything to you because if an idiot thinks I’m an idiot, it cancels itself out.”

Why do I feel the need to close my eyes during all this?  Because it’s the easy thing to do.  But the right thing to do is most often the hardest.

Expressing our values in a show of annoyance, blame, and judgement – exposes our truest selves.  And the most pig-headed people have no awareness of their truest selves – even while exposing themselves to the wolves.

To find out what you value most, look to see what makes you angry and annoyed – it’s there where you’ll find it.

A dangerous value to have is believing that you’re always right.  By having this value, anytime someone opposes you, you will get defensive and angry.  You can end up running from the truth, and running from yourself.  All mental illness stems from avoiding truth.

Believing that you are always right is a trait of a superficial survivalist who will suffer a mental melt down if their perspective is challenged.  Why?  Because if the world they constructed is wrong, nothing will ever make sense again.  Their foundation is gone.  The void of emptiness (the bad kind), swallows them whole.  Admitting when you’re wrong without experiencing emotions of anger, annoyance, or embarrassment, is the trait of a truly strong person.  A person with faith, not fear.

I also value humility.  I know this for sure because I loathe narcissists – well, we are all narcissists but there’s a scale on how bad we can be.  The more validation you need, the higher you are on the scale.  The stronger our sociopathic traits (we are all sociopaths too), the further up you go.

Ayahuasca told me that we are all worthy of equal respect, but here in the physical realm where the ego is inescapable and spiritual evolution is our only goal – the spirit laws don’t apply here.  Only in death do they apply.

It’s all part of the game.

Growth and belief.  You grow and your perception widens – you’re able to understand more.  Expressing our value’s to others is a way for us to evolve.  You contribute nothing while placating and keeping your eyes shut.

This idea taken me to my own life.  My own growth process.

Up until, oh I don’t know…..YESTERDAY, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.  I didn’t know what made me truly happy.  Since I was a kid, I wanted and fantasized about every career under the sun.  Then I found my business which brought me direction and goals – but are my present goals really what my heart wants?

Rational brain – “You’re only happy when others are happy.”

Yeah but it’s not lasting.  It’s transient.  Who am I in-between those laughs?  Who am I when a friend carries with them a heavy heart?

Rational brain – “Everything is transient and meaningless.  Leave the in-between part for growth and possibilities.  Never cement yourself.

In the grand scope of things yes, life is transient and meaningless.  I agree that’s it’s improbable and unwise to be happy all of the time.  But It’s about having a foundation – one that is built upon seeing and experiencing my own potential….

A few hours later…..

DAmn I’m drunk.

I trained my new therapist, went to my brothers holiday party and then to a friends house and now I’m here at home drunk wanting to sleep.

I was onto something fierce before.  A good ol’ fashioned head squashing.  But now it’s 2 A.M and I want to watch Japanese anime like the freak-show that I am.  I’m eating left over steak.  Hunter X Hunter is the Japanese anime if you’re wondering.  I’m HOOKED.  I’m being completely honest here when I say this show is amazing.  Why the hell do I like this shit so much?  It’s not normal!  I don’t just like it, I LOVE it!

My brother had a holiday party at his spa tonight.  He had a party last year if you care to scroll back to read about it.  Here’s a pick of me and my folks:


I love these people more than words can explain.  I cradle their heads in my hands and kiss their cheeks every night wishing them a good-night before I head downstairs to my domicile.  I break out in cold sweats whenever my mother walks on icy terrain.  I cry silent tears when my father can’t write his own name with his shaking hand.

OMG I love my parents.  So much so that it hurts, you know?  It’s this side of me that’s both my weakness and my strength.  The side that I hide from everybody, but eventually I’m sure it leaks out and once it does, it’s viewed only as weakness.  Insurmountable love.  A sentimentality that stagnates and circles around like a little eddie.  Never to venture off into the blue unknown.  That’s what love is.  It’s the familiar, the net.  It’s what enables you.

Both weakness and strength…

Oh man, yesterdays epiphany was awesome but it’s gone now.  If I weren’t so busy earlier I could’ve captured the remnants of it.  But I leave tomorrow for Thailand so there’s no time.  I must post this unfinished thought.


So much left unsaid.

I went to visit my best friend in Minnesota for Thanksgiving last week.  Here’s a video to capture the moments.  Held safe here in my memory bank blog for all the world to see.

I’m so tired.  I’m leaving tomorrow at 2 A.M.  My computer screen is so bright.  I gotta get some zzzz….

It’s now the next day.  I’m beyond tired.  I was so hungover this morning and slept for about 4 hours before having to go to work to give a massage and hand out Christmas cards to my employee’s.  They each got $50 and the 3 girls working today all gave me big hugs and wished me well on my trip.

This trip feels destined.  Like I was never not meant to go.

I need to nap big time, finish packing, take a shower before I leave and that’s it.  Then it’ll mostly be video blogs for the next 36 days.

And so my hero’s journey continue’s….

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Travel, video's

Ayahuasca in Ecuador

(For anyone wanting to read about the effects of ayahuasca, you should read my first experience with it here.)


This post is long overdue.  I didn’t keep a journal while I was there which makes it hard for me to write about it especially now being that it was over two months ago.  I did however film a few videos that I’m not too keen on sharing (a big reason for procrastinating this post).

I remember the first day of my trip very clearly.  Getting off the plane and arriving in Ecuador.  I arrived late and had to stay in Cuenca all by myself the first night.

My first trip to do ayahuasca, I was sweating bullets.  I had to down a few beers before getting on the plane and even on the plane, I couldn’t escape the anxiety.  I didn’t have a panic attack thank god – but the anxiety was very severe.  That flight I taken to Columbia was the last time I felt deep inescapable fear without it crossing over in to a panic attack.

This time around was the complete opposite.  My parents knew where I was going, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone ratting on me (yes someone actually threatened me with that!), and I did ayahuasca before, I knew the shamans, knew the people – I was relieved to go and escape life for a while.  This was at a time when I massaged 8 hours a day, six days a week.  I was too worn out to be scared of anything at that point.

My arrival to Ecuador played out like a fairytale.  I taken a taxi to my hostel and enjoyed a quiet nights sleep before waking up early the next day having to take another taxi back to the airport.

“We’re going to the airport too.  We can drive you.”

Said a seemingly nice couple enjoying their continental breakfast.

“That would be wonderful!”  I proclaimed goofily.

This is what idiots do abroad – accept invitations by complete strangers.  And yes, I AM an idiot abroad.  They seemed nice enough though.

Before I go any further, here’s a video of when I first arrived in my hostel.  I don’t recommend that you actually watch these video’s, but since I didn’t keep a journal, they’re pretty much all that I have of my trip.

I found my box of soup and it didn’t bursted like I thought it would.  I was so tired that I stopped filming and started eating my soup and crackers while watching The Simpsons in spanish.

So anyways, there I was getting a free ride back to the airport.

“Where you headed?”  Asked one of my new companions.

“I need to find a shuttle bus to take me to [I forgot the name of the town I was going to].”

“I’m from there!  What will you be doing?”

“A spiritual retreat.”

“I’m actually going to Peru today for that exact same thing!  I’ll make sure you find your shuttle before we leave you.”

When we arrived at the airport, my companion started speaking in spanish to an airport guy – not a whole lot of people spoke English there so I was very thankful.

An airport guy pointed the way to the shuttle busses.

In the email I received prior to the trip, it stated that the shuttle busses are to the right of the airport as soon as you come out of it – but as it turned out, it was a right,  a left, then a walk down a few blocks – not good instructions for an idiot abroad.

The airport worker seen my confusion and offered to walk me there himself.  He spoke little English but found the words to tell me that he won’t leave me until I get safely on the correct shuttle.

I hugged both of my new companions good-bye and thanked them profusely before being handed over to the airport guy.

“You shouldn’t walk alone.”  He said in broken English.

“Is it dangerous?”

“During the day a little, but at night yes.  Very dangerous.  And what you have on…..”

It was so hot that I opted on wearing a tank top.  A youngish girl with a backpack wearing a tank top – walking alone in one of the most poorest area’s of Ecuador is not a good combo.

He kept his promise and got me on the correct shuttle.  Thank goodness he was there because nobody spoke a word of English.

I slept for most of the way there.  I passed so many little restaurants.  They were more like outdoor kitchens.  Everyone ate outside on cheap plastic Coca Cola patio sets.  Everything looked poor and rundown as opposed to Columbia where there was no litter and the houses looked newer.

I fell asleep watching the ramshackle houses go by and woke up a few hours later to my ears being blocked up from the effects of high altitude.  We were in the mountains and I had to put on my sweatshirt, then a half hour later, I put on my jacket.

After a long five hours, I arrived to my destination with time to spare.  It was the [forgot the name] airport.

I was hungry so I grabbed myself a mini pizza from the airport cafeteria and waited for my new spiritual seeking friends to arrive.

We all met up and everyone was lovely.  There were Canadians and people from Jersey.  One woman from Jersey had a stash of cocoa leaves that she swears heals just about everything.  One of the Canadian boys was suffering from altitude sickness and been miraculously cured by the cocoa leaves.  We were up 9,000 ft.

We piled into another shuttle to take us to Gaia Sagrada – way up in the Andes mountains (the longest continental mountain range in the world!).  We needed a special driver because only two taxi’s in all of Ecuador know how to get there.

Basically, my arrival magically slipped into place.  When I needed help – no, not even – before I needed help, there were people there to guide me.  My appreciation was at an all-time high.

But after that first day, I don’t remember much.  I have a horrible memory, that’s why I write.

Here is another video for you guys….

The thing I didn’t like about this particular ayahuasca ceremony is that first off, it was cold, and secondly – people weren’t allow to talk or walk around.  To be able to talk and walk around clears my head from the fog you feel in the beginning of your ayahuasca experience.  Without being able to walk around, I remained in that fog for the entire night.

Here’s another video: [Warning:  This video is very long and uneventful.  Try to go easy on me.  I was exhausted and stretched to my limit.]


Nearly everyone was pissing me off that day.  It was supposed to be about love!

And here’s the last video that I made while in Ecuador:

Those last few nights in Ecuador consisted of dancing with the locals, mud baths, getting shit-faced, reuniting with some of our retreat pals, getting yelled at a few times by cute Ecuadorian cops, getting locked out of our hostel at 3 AM…. I think that about covers it.

There’s a lot more that happened on the trip other than what the video’s provide, but it’s too far gone to capture it.

Now I’m laying in bed tired as hell as usual.

My Mother went on a comfort food cooking spree that lasted for about 2 weeks.  Lasagna, hamburgs, loaves of meat concoctions – not a shred of veggies anywhere.  Then getting bombarded with clients at work redeeming their expiring vouchers – going out a few times, my insomnia still won’t let up….

I was supposed to go hiking today but had to call it off.  I need to get back to a regular sleep routine, exercise, and start eating healthy.  I feel like shit.  It’s 6:30 PM and I want to sleep.  I don’t know how people with kids (let alone a husband/boyfriend) do it.  I don’t know how people have regular jobs!  At least with my job there’s light up ahead – a reprieve from work.

Starting today I can go back to enjoying the comforts of having people work for me.  By next month I’ll have more members signed up to my membership program along with plans to expand.  As the months move along, I’ll be working less and less.  I’m working towards earning my freedom.  Our innate human right.

I’ve decided to go to Thailand in December with Brianna, the girl who held my hand during the ayahuasca ceremony and told me that she loves me.  We get along swimmingly and this opportunity may not happen again if I delay it.

This is not my favorite compilation.  I didn’t film a whole lot while I was over there and had nothing but scraps to work with.  I picked this song because it matched the mood and shamans from all over the world believe that fire cleanses everything.

I had an experience during my last ayahuasca ceremony having to do with fire, but I’m still not in the correct frame of mind to write about it.  I’ve been waiting for it to come, but apparently it’s not happening anytime soon.

Too many buckets, too much stress, too much insomnia….the fall is passing by as quickly as the summer months.

It’s 10 PM.  I’m going to try my hand at sleep.


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Don’t watch this video. It’s mainly for my memories.

I was super tired and had a very long hard day, but I wanted to shoot some footage of my new office before it got furnished.  I’m going to shoot the finished product once I’m done with everything.

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God Has No Face

Okay now I know I said that I’m done with it.  Done with fixating and finding answers and truth to life’s mysteries and all, but damn…

A new understanding reveals itself for me to belly flop into.

This has been my process since writing my last post;

1)  Find out exactly what makes me happy.  Once I find out what makes me happy, I can follow the path to achieve my greatest dreams.

The only problem with that is, I don’t know what I want – I still don’t.  And according to an insight I had while walking the Camino de Santiago, if I don’t know what I want, I in turn, don’t know myself.  And if I don’t know myself, I can’t project the appropriate attitude and belief system that will attract what I desire most.

Who am I?  The easiest way to figure out who I am is by figuring out what it is exactly, that I want.

If something draws my attention, how do I know if I really want it?  Do I really want it?  Or is it like falling into another massage therapy profession?  It’s easy, I have ample freedom, and the money is good.  But I don’t really want to be here right now.  Sitting in work waiting for my next client to arrive.  I want to be someplace else, but where?

This is where I’m at.  I don’t know who I am or what I want, which led me to the second step.

2)  Ask for guidance.

I did this by turning to the great expansive omnipotent knowledge of the internet.  I read articles and watched YouTube video’s about happiness and the law of attraction.  I watched this really great video about famous people who use the law of attraction without even knowing it.

In the video, Will Smith said his favorite book was The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  So I went on Audible and added it to my wish list.  I know what you’re thinking, I’m a pawn following the tastes of celebrities.  Yeah well, maybe.  But he truly was adamant about the book…

“I really believe in that stuff.”  Will says.

Well, I believe it too Will Smith.  I believe it too..

After adding it to my wish list, Audible suggested that I read The Joy of Living by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche.  Instead of putting that one in my wish list, I just went on ahead and bought it (November is listening rewards month).  The reviews were too good to ignore.

And let me just tell you WOW.  Wow wow wow.  Exactly!

This book is real.  Very real.  He even talked about experiencing emptiness.  I, myself, experienced emptiness not too long ago.  You can read about it here.

He described it perfectly.  He said it’s not something that you can comprehend intellectually, you’ll have to experience it to understand.  Those are words I use all too often.  He also said that when in the state of being empty, all you feel is infinite potential and possibilities.

That is exactly what I felt!  And it lasted for two seconds.

I’m about an hour into the book so far.  The way it is written, is clear and precise.  Not like my writing.  When I write, I have trouble grasping the little bit of wisdom that I do have.

Anyway, I love the book.  Absolutely love it.  He’s the real deal.

I’m now fully transfixed on audiobooks.  I upgraded my membership to platinum and last night I bought three new ones.

It’s now the next day…

What was I talking about?  Scroll up…

Oh yeah.  What is it exactly, that I want most?  More importantly, who am I?

I kept a diary in high school and fixated on this question for months until it hit me.

“There is no me.  There is only the Me I create.  Only the Me I want to be.”

I felt a small surge of excitement after finding this out.  My awareness expanded into a glimpse of infinite potential.

I came to this conclusion after attempting numerous times to “just be myself.”  I felt blank and withdrawn when I did this.  I felt I had nothing to offer anybody.  But as soon as I experienced the possibilities of who I can be, my drab outlook changed into excitement.

Yesterday while massaging my last client, I came to realize that I won’t know what I want until I know who I want to be.  It’s working from the inside out.  It hit me so hard like it was common sense.

Once I figure out who I want to be, everything else falls into place.

I always let others create me.  I connect with people and through that connection, I become whoever they think I am.  And if a good friend (someone I respect) see’s only the worst in me, I spiral into depression and lose my sense of self.  I wrote about that here.

It’s the same as my night terror (you can read it here).  Even though I was completely lucid the entire time, I went in and out of self awareness.  This happens when you let the environment effect your thinking – you lose yourself to it.  In essence, you become an extension of the thing that’s controlling you.  The more scared (unaware) you are, the more control the illusion has over you.

In my night terror, it was incredibly frightening.  I knew at all times that I was dreaming, but it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter that it was all just a dream.  But just think for a moment, if I can lose myself to a dream while knowing full well it’s not real, just think what the “real” world can do to us.  The “real” world we can’t wake up from.

But that’s the thing…..we CAN wake up.  I really don’t want to make this a preachy post, I know how they sound, trust me – but stay with me.

During my enlightenment, I learned that love is the only thing that’s real.  Everything else is an illusion – none of it matters and none of it is real.  Only God is real and God is love.  If we’re able to keep our wits in tact, we can escape the present situation if we really wanted to.  We do it by laughing at it, confronting it and being brave, being aware.  It’s always about bravery, strength, and seeing what’s real.

You can escape ANYTHING.  Ayahuasca told me that we all have a choice.  If you choose to be a martyr, that is your choice.  Choosing to die for others is always a choice.

People lose their self awareness because fear (unawareness) swallows it up.  Once we wake up from it, we don’t become an extension of the fear anymore.  Fear stops controlling us.  Once we wake up, whatever was controlling us becomes an extension of ourselves – this is what it means to be awake and aware.  I never would’ve experienced it without having that dream.

The reality around us is merely an extension of ourselves.  Once we see it, we are awake.

Fear is an illusion.  Hate is an illusion.  Once you surrender yourself to God, evil dissipates.  Once this is realized, you awake into true reality.

And because our environment effects our self awareness, we become connected/attached to it.  We attach ourselves to it more powerfully than I did with my night terror.  We unknowingly become an extension of all the people we meet, letting them define who we are.  However, if you’re awake to this occurrence, the people you meet will become an extension of yourself (your love [God is awareness and God is love). Your life and everything in it, will be felt as an extension of yourself.

When something becomes an extension of yourself, you can deeply effect it with beliefs.  Whatever you believe, will manifest.

Popular little asshole kids in high school will remain popular little assholes simply because they believe that they are.  They’ll remain popular until a flicker of doubt crumbles their castle.

If you wake up from the dream and become self-aware, there will be no doubts.  Those little self aware assholes will continue being popular.

It’s incredibly difficult to do.  This is actually another one of Bruce Lee’s philosophy’s.  To be still like water, dislodges you from the environment so you can remain in your body.  You become a mirror.  Dissociated from the fear and hate around you.

The only time I experienced this was during my night terror.  I’m curious to see if The Joy of Living will pin it down better than I can.

Compassion for negative people will wash away any judgement or belief they have about you so you can become disassociated from it.  And through your disassociation, you can remain present and aware.

It’s now the next day….

I’m sitting in work waiting for my next client.  I just listened a little more to The Joy of Living and yeah, the guy pinned it better than me.  He even used my dream analogy.  I’m around 2 hours into the book and that’s when he really starts getting into it.

Oh and another thing he talked about was the interdependence of everything.  When I was under Ayahuasca, she told me that everything is dependent on everything – not something, but everything.  Every object, thought and action derives from something (everything) else.  And everything that happens, happens for a reason.  Everything and everyone is working together.

So to get back on topic, the very essence of who I am all depends on what makes me happy and what makes me sad.  We are driven by pain and pleasure and it’s in our own unique ways of navigating between the two that defines who we are.  This is according to The Joy of LIving.

This doesn’t help me much.

It is now the next day…

I just spent the last 90 minutes fantasizing about my high school crush.  I saw him briefly last night at a restaurant/bar and he kissed my cheek.  A full moist kiss.  The purposeful, meaningful kind of kiss that only happens when you deliberately want to feel your lips on someone’s face.

“Thank you.”

I told him “thank you”?!

I don’t feel much like philosophizing today.

It’s now the next day….

Meditation is crazy!  Especially once you understand that all of the universe is in your mind and all of your mind is in the universe.

When you experience emptiness, the emptiness you feel is the awareness of infinite space.  You and it are inseparable.  We can experience the universe because we are the universe.

I’m in work waiting for my next client.  I just got done massaging a friend of mine.

While I was massaging her, I hit emptiness for half a second.  It was so fleeting, barely there, but I understood deeper about the patterns of thought.

We see nothing outside the patterns of our own thinking.  Thought patterns keep us from experiencing what’s real.

This was the first time I witnessed seeing my own pattern of thought and it lasted for literally not even half a second.  Not only did I glean into the blinding power of my thought patterns, but I also saw into myself.  For a brief half second, I was able to know who I am.

My identity can be found in my thought patterns – but it’s a faulty identity.  It’s not real.  It’s like putting a face on God while in truth, God has no face.  He has no personality.

I had a dream not too long ago about a dog.  He was a helper dog wearing a little knitted sweater and on the back of his sweater had the words sewn in; I know no language.

Thought patterns are our signature language in which we use to not only form our beliefs, but our identities.

So all in all, if I want to change myself, I have to change my thinking patterns.

And in all honesty, I don’t want to change in the radical sense – I want to improve.

I’m a thinker that gets fixated on problems and this past week my problem was to find myself.  And I did find myself for half a second.

It’s all a charade.  My identity is all just a bunch of accumulated beliefs that I have about myself, nothing more.  That’s the heart of it.

The question is, what do I want to believe about myself?


Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, video's

Give the gift of song and touch a heart


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I Found My Niece on YouTube Today…

She’s the one with the blowdryer.

She was over the house today and hacked into my mom’s Facebook.

And set my moms profile pic to this:

my moms profile picI also wanted to put my face in a hole.

face in hole


Filed under humor, video's

How to Create With Your Thoughts, The Scientific Power of Thought, and The Subconscious Mind

I just went on YouTube to look at motorcycles for my cross-country trip and stumbled on this guy:

I never seen his video’s before, never heard of him until now – but man oh man…..

He’s saying my exact thoughts!  Everything that I’m learning, he’s states everything so clearly and simply.  So obviously!

Whenever I hear my own thoughts being told by another, it feels like lightening bolts in my chest.  It gives me chills.  I actually didn’t watch the entire video yet, I had to stop it when he started talking about the power of now.

“We harness our thoughts when we begin tapping into the power of now.  When we begin living in the present moment.  When we are following our hearts space, when we are opening our heart space….”

That’s when my left leg got goosebumps and I felt like I had to pee.  I paused it and came over here to share.

When I write, I follow my thoughts.  My thoughts flow out from my heart (or somewhere).  If everyone did this, would we all be directed to the same wisdom?  The same knowledge?

How’s it possible that so many people from all around the world are directed to the same insights?  How’s it possible?!  Really, I want to know.

Every awakened individual you meet all share the same wisdom.  Regardless of culture, religion, or language.  They don’t read the same books or listen to the same gurus, priests, rabbis…etc.  It’s not a religion with it’s own scriptures or guidelines to follow.

These people don’t know each other and have nothing in common.

I use my super-ego intelligence, the right hemisphere of my brain to decipher what I feel in my heart.  I try to be simple and clear when I do this.  And with each go-around, I feel myself getting sharper.  My mind getting clearer and more precise until it peaks at optimal clarity and then crumbles apart when I start congratulating myself.

“Damn, I thought I had it for good that time…”

I repeat many things here in my blog, but with each time I repeat myself, the wisdom grows deeper and broader.  I’m able to see more of it.

The channel connecting my head to my heart digs deeper with each philosophical tangent I find myself spewing out into to the world.  Completely catches me by surprise every time it happens.

But as many of you know, I wasn’t always sharp.  I didn’t always have clarity, or went on philosophical tangents.  I was just a girl who wrote shit on the internet.

(I’m still that girl!)

I’m still an underachiever, super lazy, I’m not smart (please don’t argue with me on that) – but what I do have is a connection to something greater than myself.  And when we listen to speakers such as this man here in this video, it’s like we know everything he says already – we know it’s all true.

But how do we know?  That’s the question.  How do we ALL know?

And it baffles me that I found this guy now, when I’m hooked on finding and being in the present moment.  I was looking at motorcycles!

I bet he’s going to talk about fear next and then love.  How love connects us.

Yesterday when I was being in the present moment, love felt like the great stabilizer.  Love kept me from wondering off into the past or future.

When you open your heart and freely love the one you’re with, no matter who this person is, that love is what keeps you in the present moment.  It acts as an anchor.

I thought of that after I wrote my last post.  If he say’s anything about love connecting us to the present moment, I really am going to pee myself.

Damn, I really need to start writing my book.

Tomorrow.  I will start it tomorrow.  If you see large gaps of time between posts, it’s not because I’m neglecting my blog or that I don’t have anything new to write, it will be because I’m too busy writing my book.  It will be a good thing.


Filed under philosophy, Self help, video's