Okay now I know I said that I’m done with it. Done with fixating and finding answers and truth to life’s mysteries and all, but damn…
A new understanding reveals itself for me to belly flop into.
This has been my process since writing my last post;
1) Find out exactly what makes me happy. Once I find out what makes me happy, I can follow the path to achieve my greatest dreams.
The only problem with that is, I don’t know what I want – I still don’t. And according to an insight I had while walking the Camino de Santiago, if I don’t know what I want, I in turn, don’t know myself. And if I don’t know myself, I can’t project the appropriate attitude and belief system that will attract what I desire most.
Who am I? The easiest way to figure out who I am is by figuring out what it is exactly, that I want.
If something draws my attention, how do I know if I really want it? Do I really want it? Or is it like falling into another massage therapy profession? It’s easy, I have ample freedom, and the money is good. But I don’t really want to be here right now. Sitting in work waiting for my next client to arrive. I want to be someplace else, but where?
This is where I’m at. I don’t know who I am or what I want, which led me to the second step.
2) Ask for guidance.
I did this by turning to the great expansive omnipotent knowledge of the internet. I read articles and watched YouTube video’s about happiness and the law of attraction. I watched this really great video about famous people who use the law of attraction without even knowing it.
In the video, Will Smith said his favorite book was The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. So I went on Audible and added it to my wish list. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a pawn following the tastes of celebrities. Yeah well, maybe. But he truly was adamant about the book…
“I really believe in that stuff.” Will says.
Well, I believe it too Will Smith. I believe it too..
After adding it to my wish list, Audible suggested that I read The Joy of Living by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. Instead of putting that one in my wish list, I just went on ahead and bought it (November is listening rewards month). The reviews were too good to ignore.
And let me just tell you WOW. Wow wow wow. Exactly!
This book is real. Very real. He even talked about experiencing emptiness. I, myself, experienced emptiness not too long ago. You can read about it here.
He described it perfectly. He said it’s not something that you can comprehend intellectually, you’ll have to experience it to understand. Those are words I use all too often. He also said that when in the state of being empty, all you feel is infinite potential and possibilities.
That is exactly what I felt! And it lasted for two seconds.
I’m about an hour into the book so far. The way it is written, is clear and precise. Not like my writing. When I write, I have trouble grasping the little bit of wisdom that I do have.
Anyway, I love the book. Absolutely love it. He’s the real deal.
I’m now fully transfixed on audiobooks. I upgraded my membership to platinum and last night I bought three new ones.
It’s now the next day…
What was I talking about? Scroll up…
Oh yeah. What is it exactly, that I want most? More importantly, who am I?
I kept a diary in high school and fixated on this question for months until it hit me.
“There is no me. There is only the Me I create. Only the Me I want to be.”
I felt a small surge of excitement after finding this out. My awareness expanded into a glimpse of infinite potential.
I came to this conclusion after attempting numerous times to “just be myself.” I felt blank and withdrawn when I did this. I felt I had nothing to offer anybody. But as soon as I experienced the possibilities of who I can be, my drab outlook changed into excitement.
Yesterday while massaging my last client, I came to realize that I won’t know what I want until I know who I want to be. It’s working from the inside out. It hit me so hard like it was common sense.
Once I figure out who I want to be, everything else falls into place.
I always let others create me. I connect with people and through that connection, I become whoever they think I am. And if a good friend (someone I respect) see’s only the worst in me, I spiral into depression and lose my sense of self. I wrote about that here.
It’s the same as my night terror (you can read it here). Even though I was completely lucid the entire time, I went in and out of self awareness. This happens when you let the environment effect your thinking – you lose yourself to it. In essence, you become an extension of the thing that’s controlling you. The more scared (unaware) you are, the more control the illusion has over you.
In my night terror, it was incredibly frightening. I knew at all times that I was dreaming, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that it was all just a dream. But just think for a moment, if I can lose myself to a dream while knowing full well it’s not real, just think what the “real” world can do to us. The “real” world we can’t wake up from.
But that’s the thing…..we CAN wake up. I really don’t want to make this a preachy post, I know how they sound, trust me – but stay with me.
During my enlightenment, I learned that love is the only thing that’s real. Everything else is an illusion – none of it matters and none of it is real. Only God is real and God is love. If we’re able to keep our wits in tact, we can escape the present situation if we really wanted to. We do it by laughing at it, confronting it and being brave, being aware. It’s always about bravery, strength, and seeing what’s real.
You can escape ANYTHING. Ayahuasca told me that we all have a choice. If you choose to be a martyr, that is your choice. Choosing to die for others is always a choice.
People lose their self awareness because fear (unawareness) swallows it up. Once we wake up from it, we don’t become an extension of the fear anymore. Fear stops controlling us. Once we wake up, whatever was controlling us becomes an extension of ourselves – this is what it means to be awake and aware. I never would’ve experienced it without having that dream.
The reality around us is merely an extension of ourselves. Once we see it, we are awake.
Fear is an illusion. Hate is an illusion. Once you surrender yourself to God, evil dissipates. Once this is realized, you awake into true reality.
And because our environment effects our self awareness, we become connected/attached to it. We attach ourselves to it more powerfully than I did with my night terror. We unknowingly become an extension of all the people we meet, letting them define who we are. However, if you’re awake to this occurrence, the people you meet will become an extension of yourself (your love [God is awareness and God is love). Your life and everything in it, will be felt as an extension of yourself.
When something becomes an extension of yourself, you can deeply effect it with beliefs. Whatever you believe, will manifest.
Popular little asshole kids in high school will remain popular little assholes simply because they believe that they are. They’ll remain popular until a flicker of doubt crumbles their castle.
If you wake up from the dream and become self-aware, there will be no doubts. Those little self aware assholes will continue being popular.
It’s incredibly difficult to do. This is actually another one of Bruce Lee’s philosophy’s. To be still like water, dislodges you from the environment so you can remain in your body. You become a mirror. Dissociated from the fear and hate around you.
The only time I experienced this was during my night terror. I’m curious to see if The Joy of Living will pin it down better than I can.
Compassion for negative people will wash away any judgement or belief they have about you so you can become disassociated from it. And through your disassociation, you can remain present and aware.
It’s now the next day….
I’m sitting in work waiting for my next client. I just listened a little more to The Joy of Living and yeah, the guy pinned it better than me. He even used my dream analogy. I’m around 2 hours into the book and that’s when he really starts getting into it.
Oh and another thing he talked about was the interdependence of everything. When I was under Ayahuasca, she told me that everything is dependent on everything – not something, but everything. Every object, thought and action derives from something (everything) else. And everything that happens, happens for a reason. Everything and everyone is working together.
So to get back on topic, the very essence of who I am all depends on what makes me happy and what makes me sad. We are driven by pain and pleasure and it’s in our own unique ways of navigating between the two that defines who we are. This is according to The Joy of LIving.
This doesn’t help me much.
It is now the next day…
I just spent the last 90 minutes fantasizing about my high school crush. I saw him briefly last night at a restaurant/bar and he kissed my cheek. A full moist kiss. The purposeful, meaningful kind of kiss that only happens when you deliberately want to feel your lips on someone’s face.
I told him “thank you”?!
I don’t feel much like philosophizing today.
It’s now the next day….
Meditation is crazy! Especially once you understand that all of the universe is in your mind and all of your mind is in the universe.
When you experience emptiness, the emptiness you feel is the awareness of infinite space. You and it are inseparable. We can experience the universe because we are the universe.
I’m in work waiting for my next client. I just got done massaging a friend of mine.
While I was massaging her, I hit emptiness for half a second. It was so fleeting, barely there, but I understood deeper about the patterns of thought.
We see nothing outside the patterns of our own thinking. Thought patterns keep us from experiencing what’s real.
This was the first time I witnessed seeing my own pattern of thought and it lasted for literally not even half a second. Not only did I glean into the blinding power of my thought patterns, but I also saw into myself. For a brief half second, I was able to know who I am.
My identity can be found in my thought patterns – but it’s a faulty identity. It’s not real. It’s like putting a face on God while in truth, God has no face. He has no personality.
I had a dream not too long ago about a dog. He was a helper dog wearing a little knitted sweater and on the back of his sweater had the words sewn in; I know no language.
Thought patterns are our signature language in which we use to not only form our beliefs, but our identities.
So all in all, if I want to change myself, I have to change my thinking patterns.
And in all honesty, I don’t want to change in the radical sense – I want to improve.
I’m a thinker that gets fixated on problems and this past week my problem was to find myself. And I did find myself for half a second.
It’s all a charade. My identity is all just a bunch of accumulated beliefs that I have about myself, nothing more. That’s the heart of it.
The question is, what do I want to believe about myself?