Category Archives: video’s

Don’t watch this video. It’s mainly for my memories.

I was super tired and had a very long hard day, but I wanted to shoot some footage of my new office before it got furnished.  I’m going to shoot the finished product once I’m done with everything.

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Filed under journal, video's

God Has No Face

Okay now I know I said that I’m done with it.  Done with fixating and finding answers and truth to life’s mysteries and all, but damn…

A new understanding reveals itself for me to belly flop into.

This has been my process since writing my last post;

1)  Find out exactly what makes me happy.  Once I find out what makes me happy, I can follow the path to achieve my greatest dreams.

The only problem with that is, I don’t know what I want – I still don’t.  And according to an insight I had while walking the Camino de Santiago, if I don’t know what I want, I in turn, don’t know myself.  And if I don’t know myself, I can’t project the appropriate attitude and belief system that will attract what I desire most.

Who am I?  The easiest way to figure out who I am is by figuring out what it is exactly, that I want.

If something draws my attention, how do I know if I really want it?  Do I really want it?  Or is it like falling into another massage therapy profession?  It’s easy, I have ample freedom, and the money is good.  But I don’t really want to be here right now.  Sitting in work waiting for my next client to arrive.  I want to be someplace else, but where?

This is where I’m at.  I don’t know who I am or what I want, which led me to the second step.

2)  Ask for guidance.

I did this by turning to the great expansive omnipotent knowledge of the internet.  I read articles and watched YouTube video’s about happiness and the law of attraction.  I watched this really great video about famous people who use the law of attraction without even knowing it.

In the video, Will Smith said his favorite book was The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  So I went on Audible and added it to my wish list.  I know what you’re thinking, I’m a pawn following the tastes of celebrities.  Yeah well, maybe.  But he truly was adamant about the book…

“I really believe in that stuff.”  Will says.

Well, I believe it too Will Smith.  I believe it too..

After adding it to my wish list, Audible suggested that I read The Joy of Living by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche.  Instead of putting that one in my wish list, I just went on ahead and bought it (November is listening rewards month).  The reviews were too good to ignore.

And let me just tell you WOW.  Wow wow wow.  Exactly!

This book is real.  Very real.  He even talked about experiencing emptiness.  I, myself, experienced emptiness not too long ago.  You can read about it here.

He described it perfectly.  He said it’s not something that you can comprehend intellectually, you’ll have to experience it to understand.  Those are words I use all too often.  He also said that when in the state of being empty, all you feel is infinite potential and possibilities.

That is exactly what I felt!  And it lasted for two seconds.

I’m about an hour into the book so far.  The way it is written, is clear and precise.  Not like my writing.  When I write, I have trouble grasping the little bit of wisdom that I do have.

Anyway, I love the book.  Absolutely love it.  He’s the real deal.

I’m now fully transfixed on audiobooks.  I upgraded my membership to platinum and last night I bought three new ones.

It’s now the next day…

What was I talking about?  Scroll up…

Oh yeah.  What is it exactly, that I want most?  More importantly, who am I?

I kept a diary in high school and fixated on this question for months until it hit me.

“There is no me.  There is only the Me I create.  Only the Me I want to be.”

I felt a small surge of excitement after finding this out.  My awareness expanded into a glimpse of infinite potential.

I came to this conclusion after attempting numerous times to “just be myself.”  I felt blank and withdrawn when I did this.  I felt I had nothing to offer anybody.  But as soon as I experienced the possibilities of who I can be, my drab outlook changed into excitement.

Yesterday while massaging my last client, I came to realize that I won’t know what I want until I know who I want to be.  It’s working from the inside out.  It hit me so hard like it was common sense.

Once I figure out who I want to be, everything else falls into place.

I always let others create me.  I connect with people and through that connection, I become whoever they think I am.  And if a good friend (someone I respect) see’s only the worst in me, I spiral into depression and lose my sense of self.  I wrote about that here.

It’s the same as my night terror (you can read it here).  Even though I was completely lucid the entire time, I went in and out of self awareness.  This happens when you let the environment effect your thinking – you lose yourself to it.  In essence, you become an extension of the thing that’s controlling you.  The more scared (unaware) you are, the more control the illusion has over you.

In my night terror, it was incredibly frightening.  I knew at all times that I was dreaming, but it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter that it was all just a dream.  But just think for a moment, if I can lose myself to a dream while knowing full well it’s not real, just think what the “real” world can do to us.  The “real” world we can’t wake up from.

But that’s the thing…..we CAN wake up.  I really don’t want to make this a preachy post, I know how they sound, trust me – but stay with me.

During my enlightenment, I learned that love is the only thing that’s real.  Everything else is an illusion – none of it matters and none of it is real.  Only God is real and God is love.  If we’re able to keep our wits in tact, we can escape the present situation if we really wanted to.  We do it by laughing at it, confronting it and being brave, being aware.  It’s always about bravery, strength, and seeing what’s real.

You can escape ANYTHING.  Ayahuasca told me that we all have a choice.  If you choose to be a martyr, that is your choice.  Choosing to die for others is always a choice.

People lose their self awareness because fear (unawareness) swallows it up.  Once we wake up from it, we don’t become an extension of the fear anymore.  Fear stops controlling us.  Once we wake up, whatever was controlling us becomes an extension of ourselves – this is what it means to be awake and aware.  I never would’ve experienced it without having that dream.

The reality around us is merely an extension of ourselves.  Once we see it, we are awake.

Fear is an illusion.  Hate is an illusion.  Once you surrender yourself to God, evil dissipates.  Once this is realized, you awake into true reality.

And because our environment effects our self awareness, we become connected/attached to it.  We attach ourselves to it more powerfully than I did with my night terror.  We unknowingly become an extension of all the people we meet, letting them define who we are.  However, if you’re awake to this occurrence, the people you meet will become an extension of yourself (your love [God is awareness and God is love). Your life and everything in it, will be felt as an extension of yourself.

When something becomes an extension of yourself, you can deeply effect it with beliefs.  Whatever you believe, will manifest.

Popular little asshole kids in high school will remain popular little assholes simply because they believe that they are.  They’ll remain popular until a flicker of doubt crumbles their castle.

If you wake up from the dream and become self-aware, there will be no doubts.  Those little self aware assholes will continue being popular.

It’s incredibly difficult to do.  This is actually another one of Bruce Lee’s philosophy’s.  To be still like water, dislodges you from the environment so you can remain in your body.  You become a mirror.  Dissociated from the fear and hate around you.

The only time I experienced this was during my night terror.  I’m curious to see if The Joy of Living will pin it down better than I can.

Compassion for negative people will wash away any judgement or belief they have about you so you can become disassociated from it.  And through your disassociation, you can remain present and aware.

It’s now the next day….

I’m sitting in work waiting for my next client.  I just listened a little more to The Joy of Living and yeah, the guy pinned it better than me.  He even used my dream analogy.  I’m around 2 hours into the book and that’s when he really starts getting into it.

Oh and another thing he talked about was the interdependence of everything.  When I was under Ayahuasca, she told me that everything is dependent on everything – not something, but everything.  Every object, thought and action derives from something (everything) else.  And everything that happens, happens for a reason.  Everything and everyone is working together.

So to get back on topic, the very essence of who I am all depends on what makes me happy and what makes me sad.  We are driven by pain and pleasure and it’s in our own unique ways of navigating between the two that defines who we are.  This is according to The Joy of LIving.

This doesn’t help me much.

It is now the next day…

I just spent the last 90 minutes fantasizing about my high school crush.  I saw him briefly last night at a restaurant/bar and he kissed my cheek.  A full moist kiss.  The purposeful, meaningful kind of kiss that only happens when you deliberately want to feel your lips on someone’s face.

“Thank you.”

I told him “thank you”?!

I don’t feel much like philosophizing today.

It’s now the next day….

Meditation is crazy!  Especially once you understand that all of the universe is in your mind and all of your mind is in the universe.

When you experience emptiness, the emptiness you feel is the awareness of infinite space.  You and it are inseparable.  We can experience the universe because we are the universe.

I’m in work waiting for my next client.  I just got done massaging a friend of mine.

While I was massaging her, I hit emptiness for half a second.  It was so fleeting, barely there, but I understood deeper about the patterns of thought.

We see nothing outside the patterns of our own thinking.  Thought patterns keep us from experiencing what’s real.

This was the first time I witnessed seeing my own pattern of thought and it lasted for literally not even half a second.  Not only did I glean into the blinding power of my thought patterns, but I also saw into myself.  For a brief half second, I was able to know who I am.

My identity can be found in my thought patterns – but it’s a faulty identity.  It’s not real.  It’s like putting a face on God while in truth, God has no face.  He has no personality.

I had a dream not too long ago about a dog.  He was a helper dog wearing a little knitted sweater and on the back of his sweater had the words sewn in; I know no language.

Thought patterns are our signature language in which we use to not only form our beliefs, but our identities.

So all in all, if I want to change myself, I have to change my thinking patterns.

And in all honesty, I don’t want to change in the radical sense – I want to improve.

I’m a thinker that gets fixated on problems and this past week my problem was to find myself.  And I did find myself for half a second.

It’s all a charade.  My identity is all just a bunch of accumulated beliefs that I have about myself, nothing more.  That’s the heart of it.

The question is, what do I want to believe about myself?


Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, video's

Give the gift of song and touch a heart


Filed under video's

I Found My Niece on YouTube Today…

She’s the one with the blowdryer.

She was over the house today and hacked into my mom’s Facebook.

And set my moms profile pic to this:

my moms profile picI also wanted to put my face in a hole.

face in hole


Filed under humor, video's

How to Create With Your Thoughts, The Scientific Power of Thought, and The Subconscious Mind

I just went on YouTube to look at motorcycles for my cross-country trip and stumbled on this guy:

I never seen his video’s before, never heard of him until now – but man oh man…..

He’s saying my exact thoughts!  Everything that I’m learning, he’s states everything so clearly and simply.  So obviously!

Whenever I hear my own thoughts being told by another, it feels like lightening bolts in my chest.  It gives me chills.  I actually didn’t watch the entire video yet, I had to stop it when he started talking about the power of now.

“We harness our thoughts when we begin tapping into the power of now.  When we begin living in the present moment.  When we are following our hearts space, when we are opening our heart space….”

That’s when my left leg got goosebumps and I felt like I had to pee.  I paused it and came over here to share.

When I write, I follow my thoughts.  My thoughts flow out from my heart (or somewhere).  If everyone did this, would we all be directed to the same wisdom?  The same knowledge?

How’s it possible that so many people from all around the world are directed to the same insights?  How’s it possible?!  Really, I want to know.

Every awakened individual you meet all share the same wisdom.  Regardless of culture, religion, or language.  They don’t read the same books or listen to the same gurus, priests, rabbis…etc.  It’s not a religion with it’s own scriptures or guidelines to follow.

These people don’t know each other and have nothing in common.

I use my super-ego intelligence, the right hemisphere of my brain to decipher what I feel in my heart.  I try to be simple and clear when I do this.  And with each go-around, I feel myself getting sharper.  My mind getting clearer and more precise until it peaks at optimal clarity and then crumbles apart when I start congratulating myself.

“Damn, I thought I had it for good that time…”

I repeat many things here in my blog, but with each time I repeat myself, the wisdom grows deeper and broader.  I’m able to see more of it.

The channel connecting my head to my heart digs deeper with each philosophical tangent I find myself spewing out into to the world.  Completely catches me by surprise every time it happens.

But as many of you know, I wasn’t always sharp.  I didn’t always have clarity, or went on philosophical tangents.  I was just a girl who wrote shit on the internet.

(I’m still that girl!)

I’m still an underachiever, super lazy, I’m not smart (please don’t argue with me on that) – but what I do have is a connection to something greater than myself.  And when we listen to speakers such as this man here in this video, it’s like we know everything he says already – we know it’s all true.

But how do we know?  That’s the question.  How do we ALL know?

And it baffles me that I found this guy now, when I’m hooked on finding and being in the present moment.  I was looking at motorcycles!

I bet he’s going to talk about fear next and then love.  How love connects us.

Yesterday when I was being in the present moment, love felt like the great stabilizer.  Love kept me from wondering off into the past or future.

When you open your heart and freely love the one you’re with, no matter who this person is, that love is what keeps you in the present moment.  It acts as an anchor.

I thought of that after I wrote my last post.  If he say’s anything about love connecting us to the present moment, I really am going to pee myself.

Damn, I really need to start writing my book.

Tomorrow.  I will start it tomorrow.  If you see large gaps of time between posts, it’s not because I’m neglecting my blog or that I don’t have anything new to write, it will be because I’m too busy writing my book.  It will be a good thing.


Filed under philosophy, Self help, video's

Don’t watch this video, it’s stupid

I’m only posting this as a reference so I can watch my progress with playing the guitar.  It’s best to skip over all my guitar video’s.

If you want to watch a better video, scroll down and watch the one I made about the Camino.  I like that one.

If you watched the video anyway, I must correct myself.  The tumor I sang about is actually 35 pounds, not 20.


August 16, 2013 · 3:57 am

My Camino Video

Okay, you can call me unoriginal.  I made a music video about walking 500 miles to Santiago using the song “I’m Gonna Be” by the Proclaimers.  There are probably hundreds if not thousands of video’s recording the Camino using that song.

Here is my version.  I hope you like it!


August 14, 2013 · 9:39 am

Party in Pamplona

I woke at 11, showered, made some eggs and out the door I ventured into the world. My goal for the day: Buy a ticket to the bullfight tomorrow.

I walked by a few young people dressed in white with red sashes around their necks and waists.

Me thinking – “Uh, that’s strange. The celebration starts tomorrow, not today.”

And as I walked deeper into the center of pamplona, I realized that everyone was dressed in white and sporting red sashes or purses.

Small children and their great grandparents were wearing identical colors. Then came the hoots, the shouts, drinking wine and beer in the street. Getting approached by men in mid-celebration asking me where I’m from.

I wanted to run and buy my ticket as fast as I could. Running past the liquored up herds, but the streets became more and more congested with swarms of people parading around, shouting, dancing, drinking. A police siren whistled not too far away.

I found the bullring. Spotted the ATM’s surrounding the building and purchased my ticket in less than 30 seconds. A Spanish woman asked me what I was doing.

“Comprar tackilla por mañana.”

I said timidly as if what I was saying was gibberish and I knew it was gibberish.

But it wasn’t gibberish, the woman understood, asked me how much it costs and then thanked me.

A great deal of the Spanish language is sticking to my ribs without my realizing. How the hell did I remember comprar from high school?

Anyway, I ran back to my hotel as fast as I could. Sweat dripped down my back, my cell phone clutched tightly in my sweaty, slippery hand.

You don’t need to be connected to the Internet for your GPS to work. God how I love my phone! It’s at least a good 20 minute walk from my room to the bullring. And with all the roundabouts, it’s easy getting yourself turned around. I was constantly checking my direction on my cell.

I was checking my direction while maneuvering in and out of the flocks, being careful not to make eye contact.

Hey, when you’re a single gal traveling in a foreign country and you find yourself surrounded by hundreds of drunk men celebrating a holiday that involves animal slaughter, you’d be scared too!

“No hablar espanol, lo siento, no entiendo.”

Saying this helped me out several times. Especially when a gypsy grabbed my hand and started telling me my fortune. I didn’t stop walking, and kept saying over and over, “hablo ingles, no entiendo.”

I finally made it back to my hotel. It’s far from the action, it’s quiet here. I love my hotel. It’s not really a hotel, but some weird multiplex. They have a rec room, patio, laundry room, cafe, vending machines. I don’t want to leave the safety of this place.

The bullfight starts tomorrow morning. They unleash the bulls to run down the street and into the arena at 8am. Cameras are placed on the curbside so the folks seated in the arena can see the spectacle of the bulls chasing the runners on big screens. It reminds me of the Truman show. If they get a close-up of one runner falling behind, becoming the underdog, than all of the arena prays and roots for him and he has no idea what’s happening, no idea that all eyes are on him.

It’s not a far run, and nobody died from running it in 15 years.

I felt the temptation of doing it myself and then I remembered that I hate crowds and I’m more afraid of people than I am of the bulls, and that’s the truth. If there weren’t so many people, I would definitely do it. There’s nothing to it really.

Hell, I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane, tried ayahuasca and peyote, hiked the camino alone with nothing but the clothes carried on my back, so I don’t think a little bull would scare me much. I’m half Italian, so I got bull (headed) blood in me already.

It’s just a matter of fun vs worth. Is the fun of it worth the risk of getting pushed and trampled over by everybody?

If I were here with Dave, we would both invariably do it. But I’m here alone. Two people wanted to meet me, but I responded to them too late. It’s just as well. I would have had to share my room and honestly it’s way too cramped in here with only me.

This is the winding down of my journey. My feets are tired, my everything is tired. Yesterday and today were blessings. True vacation days of idleness. Tomorrow however, will be a stretch of my patience.

I need to get there early to beat everyone. I’m talking 6 in the morning. I’ll get in, find my seat and remain in my seat until the last bull is struck down. And then I can rightfully say I been to see a bullfight.

I’m excited about it, I really am. I mean, I wouldn’t want to wake up having nothing to do tomorrow. This bullfight is certainly something to do. An exciting something to do. I only complain because it conflicts with my dislike of crowds.

Okay, my arms are numb down to my fingers. I need to stop holding my phone like this.

I’m going to make myself some dinner and listen to an audiobook, then go to bed early. Tomorrow will be the end-all finale to my adventures in Spain. What a way to end a vacation…killin’ stuff.

Here’s a video of today:

It’s a very short video.

What are all those people doing anyway (in the video)? There’s no carnival rides, no kiosks or games, or venders of any creative sort. People are just walking and clumping together. They walk, listen to music and clump together holding beers.


Filed under Travel, video's

Pampering myself in Pamplona

I haven’t been writing or anything lately. All I’ve been doing is listening to audiobooks for hours on end. All day and all night, audiobooks. They are fantastic!

I took the train to Pamplona yesterday. It feels so good being here. There’s only about 190,000 people living here compared to Barcelona’s 1.6 million or Madrid’s 3.3 million.

I’m exhausted.

Last night I ventured out of my hotel to pick up some snacks at a grocery store. It was around 10pm, so many of the shops were closed. I was lucky to find a tiny convenient store open. I picked up pasta and sauce for dinner. I have my own kitchen in my room!

It’s still a small room even with having its own kitchen. My feet were literally hanging off the bed last night.

I ate so much freaking pasta while listening to a Sherlock Holmes audiobook. It felt like heaven to me, honestly, heaven.

And now it’s 1pm the next day and I’m still in my hotel room. I’m simply exhausted. I want to nap. I’m boiling water so I can make myself ramen noodles.

There’s only one thing I need to do while here in pamplona and that’s to go see that big stupendous bullfight.

I need to buy my ticket. It’s only 6 euros and a 15 minute walk from here. I saw the bullring last night during my adventure in finding an open grocery store. It was all dark and quiet. In a few short days, that’ll change.

This is the first time since arriving in Spain where I don’t have to hunt down a restaurant for breakfast / lunch, or get kicked out of a domicile, or woken up by people talking loudly in the morning (uh em..the British..uh em). Asians were the quietest and most respectful while surprisingly the British were the most brazen. They beat out the Irish, Australian, Mexican…etc. And it wasn’t the British men, but British women! They talk non-stop in one big lung full of endlessly loud expressions.

So yeah, this is the first time EVER where I can stay put. That is of course if my ramen holds out. I have pasta left over but I can’t even look at it. I ate way too much of it last night. It made my tummy wonky this morning.

I wish I had my laptop. If I had my laptop I no doubt wouldn’t leave my hotel room, possibly going so far as to miss el encierro all together.

It’s just that so much happens, so much in even the most smallest gaps of time that no matter what happens, who you’re with or what you’re doing, there is always a story to be told. That is, if your perspective is accurate enough and you know what you’re looking at.

If you can’t tell a fascinating story, than something is wrong. The thing that’s wrong for me is that I don’t have my laptop or my lofty bed or coffee shop to write.

I’m missing all the small stories along the way.

Like when that 100 year old Spanish woman kidnapped me and paraded me around town never letting her vice grip soften around my wrist. Or that Senegal man who kidnapped my company for a few hours on the beach wanting me to jump in the ocean with him. Or my experience with the Picasso museum, my emotional upheaval while watching a flamenco dance.

I can’t fit it all. I can’t write about everything.

I’m so glad to be out of the big cities. I’m so glad to be out of the hostels. All I can hear is the hum of the fridge and chirping of birds.

This location is perfect.

I’m in heaven. This moment is heaven.

I’ll see if I can scrounge up some video’s to post.

I put this clip together using two days worth of footage. The last part shot on the metro, I wanted to record how the cars swerve side to side when looking down the open isle. For this reason, along with many others, I love the subway.


Filed under journal, Travel, video's

Banging Barcelona

I’m not actually banging Barcelona, I just thought that title was catchy.

It’s 10:30pm and I’m sitting in my hostel cloaked in my Bad Ass P Jamma Jams (pajamas). I feel like I should be out clubbing or something.

I’m sitting alone in my six person dorm room. I feel like such a loser. Everyone is out having fun except me.

While I sit here, I make myself productive by gently caressing the whiskers sprouting above the upper corners of my lip. Does everyone do that? I’m assessing whether or not they are long enough to pluck, and if so, am I productive enough to actually get up and pluck them?

Video blogs are so weird. That’s not actually me talking, is it? I like to think myself cooler than that.

Why do I come off sounding so freaking innocent?!! God do I sound like that in real life? No, no it can’t be. I’m cool, I’m hip. I’m that connecticut gangsta chic rocking out in her bad ass P Jamma Jams.

A woman a few weeks ago told me that I focus intently on whomever I’m conversing with.

“It’s like you make that person feel like they are your one and only world.”

And than she went on to tell me that I’m an old soul, pure and innocent. Untainted.

I swear on my grandparents graves (all four plus the Greats!) that I’m not making any of this up.

We met along the Camino a few times, had a few beers, a few laughs. I gave her husband such good advice that he announced to everyone, “I’ve been on the Camino for a while now, but the lesson this girl just taught me surpasses anything I learned so far.”

His wife nodded her head in agreement because she feels I am an old wise soul and anything I say should be heeded.

And after having that conversation, I proceeded to drink a gallon of beer, smoke weed and puke in a sink.

I just plucked my whiskers. Ahh, shit feels good.

It is now 11pm and I’m sitting alone in my dorm plucking the hairs on my face.

This makes it a full day. Yes, one for the books!

Barcelona is big. Much bigger than Madrid. This is according to me, so don’t put much stock. But it really does feel on par with New York style big.

The beach was mobbed. Mobbed! I’m never going back. So many skateboarders, rollerbladers, bicyclists, kids on trikes, kids kicking around balls, throwing Frisbees..etc, etc. A girl can get rammed on all sides, including up if you count bird shit. The title is banging Barcelona, while in fact, Barcelona is banging me around.

I will pass, thanks. I seen the beach before and it gave me sun poisoning on my face. My face!

What is everyone’s fascination with the beach anyway? Isn’t it supposed to be calming? My own fascination ceases to exist once the mob of oily sunbathers enters into my sunlight. My sunglasses get streaked in tanning lotion just by looking at them. Just by looking! Not that I look…

Chill people, it’s just water.


Here’s a video.


Filed under Travel, video's