Category Archives: video’s
Ahhh I have a pained look on my face!
Here’s the link to my new friends YouTube channel:
Video’s are a lot less time consuming than writing!
I’m supposed to be furnishing the room upstairs so we can start doing spa treatments up there. My broken armed therapist is on my tail.
Broken armed therapist – “I went up there today to see how it looked and it’s a disaster!”
I gave one massage earlier today and went to Koels to buy curtains for the new room and now here I am. Laying in bed with my dog and my laptop on my lap while watching Knights of Sidonia on Netflix.
I ate lunch and decided that’s it, I’m in for the night. I love being in for the night! So what if it’s 3 o’clock on a beautiful Friday afternoon. So what if I got shit tons of shit to do?
My dog farted.
This is the holiday weekend. I’m taking a break. And my friend offered to help hang up my curtains next week, so I’ll just get everything done then. It ain’t much and I bought everything I need already.
This is true peace for me. It’s bliss. Now only if my dog can shut up and stop hogging the bed.
Atop my shoulder sits a hair.
Wily it moves as it sways through the air.
It tickles my cheek,
Whispers words that are sweet,
And yes you heard correctly,
my hair doth speak!
“Reach for the stars”
A tiny voice says.
“Look at me! I’m almost as tall as a tree!”
My hair frolics and dances and provides good company.
My new friend occurred quite
“There there now, life is cake.
You must stretch yourself and
you will not break.
Roots become stronger, the longer you grow.
That’s the way of life,
Quid pro quo.”
I found this ghastly hair growing out of my shoulder yesterday. It was moving as if it were alive.
Anyway, what’s up with me other than my illogically long shoulder hair?
Life. Life is what’s up. It happens and I can’t do anything about it.
It’s happening as we speak.
It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m laying in bed rhyming about one absurdly long shoulder hair.
“Live life fully Melanie! Get up and live!”
Shut up stupid hair.
My Dad’s best friend died last week. I called him Uncle Sparky and attended his Halloween parties and New Years eve parties every year when I was a kid.
I call these people “The Greats.” Our foundation of stability and love – the cradle I was born into but not just cradling me, but my parents too. We always had them. Their doors were always open.
I started thinking about how some day, no one will be left. All I’ll have is my brother who refuses to speak to me, but he refuses to speak to mostly everyone.
And I was sinking back into the dreaded “What’s the point of it all?” outlook on life.
Uncle Sparky’s wife died a few years ago and everyone at his funeral said that made things easier. So now they can be together. But for me (being selfish), it was harder because now they’re both gone. Their festive house is gone, their vegetable garden, gone, my parents going over once a week for visits, gone.
Everyone going but my brother who is still here, is gone to me too.
Unless you’re made of stone, it’s hard not to feel the emptiness.
One of my friends posted a video on my Facebook page about chakra’s.
This is a HUGE reason why I watch these cartoons. I never gave chakra’s a second thought until seeing this cartoon but everything about it fits in perfect with what ayahuasca taught me.
My biggest hurdle, the one I can’t release, is my thought chakra. The one on top of my head. I have too much attachment, too much sentiment. Sentiment is more like sediment.
Ayahuasca kept trying to drill it into me to “let go.” Over and over she told me this. She also told me that this world is an illusion meant to test your courage to let go and to trust. Once you let go, you’ll not need God (or anyone) because you become him – you are him.
Ayahuasca – “Don’t rely on God. Rely on yourself. You are God. You’re here to learn awareness of that.”
Me – “But why do I have to be here in the physical world to learn it?”
Ayahuasca – “You can only become aware of something once you’ve been separated from it.”
We’re him right now, God, but we have no awareness of that so we turn to faith which is not the same as actual knowing. It’s just a substitute for the real thing. We have faith that God is in us.
That’s not awareness.
Ayahuasca said I’m here to learn how to let go and to trust.
My brother unfriended me on Facebook. If I’m hurt by this, it only means that I’m still attached to my ego and can’t let go of fear. Fear that the one person in my life that will always be there, won’t be.
As long as I keep the pain going, I’m still attached, I’m still connected to my brother in some way. Just like my Uncle Sparky stayed with the pain after his wife died – it was his only connection to her that kept her alive.
If I escape it, if I ignore it, if I place blame and judgement and rationalize that it’s for the best he’s out of my life – that’s not letting go. It’s holding on to hate and anger.
But how do I let go?
I bought an audiobook about chakras. It’s pretty good. I’ll post the important stuff I learn from it.
I’m actually okay, I always am for the most part. But I experienced the emptiness once or twice before and I never want to go back there again.
It’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone and no matter what a person does to me, I ALWAYS forgive them – there is not one person in my entire life that I can say I won’t forgive. And I keep comparing them to me. That’s where the problems start.
“How can they do this? I’d never do this to them. I don’t understand.”
This is a form of judgement and judgement doesn’t allow for understanding. It’s like a sentence – a justice. The gavel came down and ended the hearing. Blame has been placed and we can all move on.
I have to understand that everyone is different and I need to accept them, which I do over and over again (at least, I think I do).
But then when I do feel like I let go in the proper way, I look straight ahead and forge on with my life and I wonder, what’s the point? Why live only for myself? I’d rather die. I edge myself closer to the void.
And I look to see where I went wrong. To see all the mistakes I’ve made. And when it comes down to it, everything that’s happened to me was inevitable. Unavoidable. I had no influence what-so-ever.
Ayahuasca told me that everything happens for a reason. Every detail fits into the larger. My life is directly affected by other people and vice versa. All leading up to the single goal of letting go.
I have fear in me that can only be addressed by situations outside my control. No matter how hard I tried to fix my mistakes, I tried fixing them out of fear. Not love, not trust, but fear. Fear of living a pointless, meaningless existence, fear of the ultimate misery of loneliness – a verdict worse than death.
Ayahuasca showed me all this and I cried for myself. I felt compassion for myself.
The other day I binge watched The Quest on Netflix which is a reality show where the contestants vote each other off. One woman stood behind a man to vote for him simply because she felt everyone should have at least one person standing behind them. She stood behind him even though she didn’t like him and was glad he was being voted off.
But then when it came her turn, nobody stood behind her. She was the only contestant during the entire show that had nobody standing behind her.
I found this interesting because I understand that everything happens for a reason, but how is it that the one person who understood the importance of other people’s feelings was left standing alone? The one person who made such a fuss about it?
She was well liked, she wasn’t an asshole or anything like that, so why did this happen?
She stood behind him out of fear. Her own fear guided her to do it. It wasn’t out of compassion, but more like “do unto others what you would want done unto you” sort of thing. A pay it forward.
This is how karma works. It doesn’t matter how many good deeds you do, if you do things out of fear, it will bite you in the ass no matter how noble you are.
She needed to learn to let go. To do things not expecting reciprocation, not because that’s how you yourself would want to be treated. Because in a way, that’s selfish.
You should do things simply because it’s the right thing to do.
And my brother not speaking to me anymore may seem like the wrong thing, but it’s still his choice. I have to accept it. And that shouldn’t influence me into also doing the wrong thing.
I do things for people. Not because I’m scared of them not liking me, or that it’s the way I want to be treated – no, I do things for people because I love them. And I’ll alway love my bro, so I have to be strong and keep doing what’s right.
Ayahuasca told me none of this matters. All the hurt, all the pain, none of it matters. It’s not real.
I just have to focus on doing what’s right and living solely for myself doesn’t feel right to me. The only thing that feels right is to trust the process that all will be well in the end.
And acting all righteous and shit is no better. Being the bigger person is crap.
I just texted my bro telling him that I love him. I hope he doesn’t read into it like I’m being the bigger person thereby making him feel small and wrong.
Telling someone you love them can backfire. Being the bigger person can backfire.
But I did it because it’s true and it was the right thing to do.
Strength and believing in yourself…..lots of strength, lots of belief.
He texted back “I love you too little sis.”
How do you let go? No effort. That’s how.
It’s been forever ago that I went, or at least it seems like forever ago. I got back January 15th or so, and now it’s April 6th and I’m just now writing about it.
I didn’t keep a journal while I was there which is the one major reason why I didn’t write about it.
So anyway…..my trip to Thailand…..what’s there to say really? It was awesome, a backpackers dreamland, and now I’m back home laying in my own bed safe and sound like it never happened.
The truth is, I still don’t feel much like writing about it. So in lieu of writing, I’m going to post all the video’s I made while I was over there regardless of how drunk and ridiculous I sounded.
Here’s Day 1: My arrival
I was EXHAUSTED, unwashed, a complete mess upon my arrival. I felt like talking to someone so I rambled on like a fool.
Day 2: The day before Brianna arrived.
I was left to my own devices and wanted to test my navigational skills by making my way around Bangkok all by my lonesome.
As soon as my travel buddy arrived, I no longer made video’s everyday because it’s embarrassing to do it in front of people. But here’s a video I made when I was extremely drunk and ranting about a girl who was giving me a hard time for being American.
I remember this night and it was not half as bad as I made it out to be. It was fun in fact and I wasn’t even all that upset. I even made friends with the girl by the end of the night because I’m pretty damn charming when I want to be. Brianna was more upset than I was.
Day ?: Going to Cambodia
Me and Brianna were on our way to a meditation retreat in far off lands away from the tourists and temples and found ourselves lost in a small town having no idea how to get to the meditation retreat. She showed me the directions the monk gave her and they were nearly indecipherable as to how we should get there. So we winged it in hopes we’d get lucky. But we found no luck and we both decided to go to Cambodia instead.
Last leg of my trip: Stuck in China
Here I messed up on my plane ticket home. I didn’t realize I booked myself a flight home that had over a 24 hour layover.
The China airport were saints at handling this by giving me a free hotel room with the shuttle included. I can’t stress this enough – they were saints! And this is how I met my new best friend from Alaska, Amanda.
She messed up on her flight too. We spent most of the night together, and then the next day too. We walked around the industrial town we were stuck in before shuttling off to the airport together. At the airport we chatted the entire time. It wasn’t just us though, there were others in our group who also messed up their flights. We all ate together and been bored together.
It was the perfect ending to a perfect trip. It was perfect because it showed me that I’m NEVER alone. Not only am I never alone, but I meet best-friend quality people wherever I go. Everywhere Brianna and I went, we met people to hang with. And even me, by myself, I met people too.
Everything about it was a beautiful experience from head to toe.
For my next trip, I HAVE to take more video’s. I have to. Or I at least have to keep a travel journal on the days I don’t make a video.
It’s just that I have this immense desire to document everything.
This desire dates back from before I was able to write. Before I started kindergarten, I found the cutest little journal with a lock and key and before I could spell my own name, I opened it up and started scribbling. I accidentally wrote my first word – my brother pointed it out to my parents and was flummoxed by it.
That was my first journal and I wish I wish I still had it. You never forget your first.
I can’t hold off writing about my trips. There’s so much I missed it’s ridiculous.
Getting high and swimming in the Mekong, having sex with a hot German on New Years (who still emails me), riding on a horribly bumpy bus for 14 hours while having travelers diarrhea (It’s the kind that you can’t hold in and it comes out of you like pee) – that could’ve been my most interesting post. Eating scorpions, riding elephants, bamboo rafting, camping outside by myself in the freezing cold and having to stoke the fire every few minutes just to keep warm……lol yes, good times.
Here’s an over-all video compilation of everything. My iPhone at the time was only 16 bits and almost two years old so again, I had very limited video and photo space. Having limited video capacity and no wifi was ultimately the reason why I didn’t take many video’s – I literally couldn’t.
I woke up last night at 3 A.M feeling like I had to throw up.
“Why do I have to throw up? I haven’t drank anything.”
Then a mini thunder storm erupted in my bowels.
“What did I eat?”
I wanted to get up, but couldn’t. Every muscle felt weak. All I could do was lay in bed and decide on whether I wanted to puke or to shit. Then I realized I’d have to do both sooner or later and I wondered which one will happen first. Which one I had the least control over. And that was shit.
I shit like I never shit before. Then I brushed my teeth because it was 3 A.M and I had morning mouth already – I threw up while I was brushing my teeth.
And so I brushed again.
But man I was sick. Dizzy, out of breath, brain malfunctioning, black spots.
I couldn’t stand for more than a minute without needing to sit down.
Why? From half a malaria pill that’s why! I went online and read the side-effects and one of them were seizures – seizures! I knew in my heart of hearts that what I was feeling (brain malfunctioning, light-headedness, black spots), are all symptoms leading up to a seizure. I just knew, you know? So yeah, no more malaria pills for this girl. I’ll take my chances with the bugs.
The exhaustion I felt yesterday was impenetrable. I couldn’t watch tv without feeling sick – I couldn’t listen to my audiobook. Have you ever felt that sick?
It’s now the next day. I missed my window to go to the Thai embassy in NY so I’m hoping they’ll still let me on the plane to Thailand.
My stomach is gurgling. I have a client coming in an hour and a half.
It’s a few days later. One day away from Thailand and omg…..
I underwent a series of events yesterday all leading up to a new understanding about life. It was incredible. It all started with my new employee when she spelled the word “does” wrong.
I cringed at the sight of it.
“There’s a reason why I didn’t hire her in the first place.”
The way my brain operates is, I try to see all sides of a situation before my judgements blind me from seeing truth. I won’t go into too much detail, but I was once again brought to the conclusion that whatever you believe about a person, you will find. You’ll keep finding truth to your judgements until that person’s own belief about themselves rises to meet your challenge.
If you dumb yourself down, holding back judgement, in a way, that person you’re holding judgment from will never evolve. Placating people is a means to enable them. And when you enable a person – nobody has any power. It’s a stalemate and an egoic feeding frenzy that circulates back and forth into a spiral. Placating is not diplomatic, it’s conforming – conceding. Nobody wins.
I usually close my eyes and say to myself, “all will be well.” I try not to judge and instead, close my eyes. If I didn’t close my eyes, nobody will ever like me. Trust me, they wouldn’t.
“You meant to say “does”, right?”
But what it comes down to is this; (when you’re not enabling stupid behavior and you’re being forthright in your assessments) if their power of belief about themselves overcasts your initial assessment of them, they become worthy of respect. And since we all judge people from our own perspectives and values, what we believe about someone may be completely opposite of what someone else see’s in them.
The thing I value most is intelligence. Lack of intelligence is the only thing that annoys me about people. Feeling annoyed is a subtle branch of anger and hatred. It’s placing blame to avoid having to deal with our own issues. If we accept people for who they are, this annoyance towards them disappears (it taken me 11 years to realize this). However, when their behavior affects you in a way where you can’t accept it, remaining passive with your eyes closed will not benefit anyone.
It is more compassionate and giving to express your anger rather than holding onto it. Expressing anger to someone who upset you is the more compassionate choice.
Since I judge people based on their intelligence, I have absolute power over anyone who annoys me for the sole reason that I don’t care what they think about me.
“Prove to me that you’re not an idiot. I don’t need to prove anything to you because if an idiot thinks I’m an idiot, it cancels itself out.”
Why do I feel the need to close my eyes during all this? Because it’s the easy thing to do. But the right thing to do is most often the hardest.
Expressing our values in a show of annoyance, blame, and judgement – exposes our truest selves. And the most pig-headed people have no awareness of their truest selves – even while exposing themselves to the wolves.
To find out what you value most, look to see what makes you angry and annoyed – it’s there where you’ll find it.
A dangerous value to have is believing that you’re always right. By having this value, anytime someone opposes you, you will get defensive and angry. You can end up running from the truth, and running from yourself. All mental illness stems from avoiding truth.
Believing that you are always right is a trait of a superficial survivalist who will suffer a mental melt down if their perspective is challenged. Why? Because if the world they constructed is wrong, nothing will ever make sense again. Their foundation is gone. The void of emptiness (the bad kind), swallows them whole. Admitting when you’re wrong without experiencing emotions of anger, annoyance, or embarrassment, is the trait of a truly strong person. A person with faith, not fear.
I also value humility. I know this for sure because I loathe narcissists – well, we are all narcissists but there’s a scale on how bad we can be. The more validation you need, the higher you are on the scale. The stronger our sociopathic traits (we are all sociopaths too), the further up you go.
Ayahuasca told me that we are all worthy of equal respect, but here in the physical realm where the ego is inescapable and spiritual evolution is our only goal – the spirit laws don’t apply here. Only in death do they apply.
It’s all part of the game.
Growth and belief. You grow and your perception widens – you’re able to understand more. Expressing our value’s to others is a way for us to evolve. You contribute nothing while placating and keeping your eyes shut.
This idea taken me to my own life. My own growth process.
Up until, oh I don’t know…..YESTERDAY, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t know what made me truly happy. Since I was a kid, I wanted and fantasized about every career under the sun. Then I found my business which brought me direction and goals – but are my present goals really what my heart wants?
Rational brain – “You’re only happy when others are happy.”
Yeah but it’s not lasting. It’s transient. Who am I in-between those laughs? Who am I when a friend carries with them a heavy heart?
Rational brain – “Everything is transient and meaningless. Leave the in-between part for growth and possibilities. Never cement yourself.
In the grand scope of things yes, life is transient and meaningless. I agree that’s it’s improbable and unwise to be happy all of the time. But It’s about having a foundation – one that is built upon seeing and experiencing my own potential….
A few hours later…..
DAmn I’m drunk.
I trained my new therapist, went to my brothers holiday party and then to a friends house and now I’m here at home drunk wanting to sleep.
I was onto something fierce before. A good ol’ fashioned head squashing. But now it’s 2 A.M and I want to watch Japanese anime like the freak-show that I am. I’m eating left over steak. Hunter X Hunter is the Japanese anime if you’re wondering. I’m HOOKED. I’m being completely honest here when I say this show is amazing. Why the hell do I like this shit so much? It’s not normal! I don’t just like it, I LOVE it!
My brother had a holiday party at his spa tonight. He had a party last year if you care to scroll back to read about it. Here’s a pick of me and my folks:
I love these people more than words can explain. I cradle their heads in my hands and kiss their cheeks every night wishing them a good-night before I head downstairs to my domicile. I break out in cold sweats whenever my mother walks on icy terrain. I cry silent tears when my father can’t write his own name with his shaking hand.
OMG I love my parents. So much so that it hurts, you know? It’s this side of me that’s both my weakness and my strength. The side that I hide from everybody, but eventually I’m sure it leaks out and once it does, it’s viewed only as weakness. Insurmountable love. A sentimentality that stagnates and circles around like a little eddie. Never to venture off into the blue unknown. That’s what love is. It’s the familiar, the net. It’s what enables you.
Both weakness and strength…
Oh man, yesterdays epiphany was awesome but it’s gone now. If I weren’t so busy earlier I could’ve captured the remnants of it. But I leave tomorrow for Thailand so there’s no time. I must post this unfinished thought.
So much left unsaid.
I went to visit my best friend in Minnesota for Thanksgiving last week. Here’s a video to capture the moments. Held safe here in my memory bank blog for all the world to see.
I’m so tired. I’m leaving tomorrow at 2 A.M. My computer screen is so bright. I gotta get some zzzz….
It’s now the next day. I’m beyond tired. I was so hungover this morning and slept for about 4 hours before having to go to work to give a massage and hand out Christmas cards to my employee’s. They each got $50 and the 3 girls working today all gave me big hugs and wished me well on my trip.
This trip feels destined. Like I was never not meant to go.
I need to nap big time, finish packing, take a shower before I leave and that’s it. Then it’ll mostly be video blogs for the next 36 days.
And so my hero’s journey continue’s….