Category Archives: Uncategorized
This has been a very long year for me. So long in fact, that I became overly aware of the changing seasons. Each season leached on to me, sucking on my skin like a pair of wet leather pants. Not being able to get them off. Life didn’t feel like a downhill luge, but an uphill medieval crusade. One that I battled alone with my dull, rusty wits.
Until that is, I was on my sled sliding down the days this past week. It went by fast. Lightening fast. Why? Hold your horses and I’ll tell you.
I bought a flat screen TV not too long ago and with it came the rediscovery of Skyrim V. Skyrim is of course, a video game (role playing to be exact). And all I want to do lately is play it. I don’t care about blogging, reading, expanding myself, no. Give me game Mellie wants game.
When I’m not reflecting, analyzing, contemplating, the days whiz by.
I’m in work waiting for my last client to get here.
Okay, last client done. If I don’t write this post right here right now (while I’m still at work), I’ll never write it. But I must make it quick quick like a bunny cause Mellie wants game.
Here’s the thing…
I’m going on 34 years old, I live at home in my parents dusty basement, and I play video games (all day mind you).
I know what you’re thinking….
But hear me out before you judge.
Instead of feeling embarrassed for the way I live my life, I feel fortunate. This has always been the case with me.
“Yeah yeah Melanie, here we go again. You and your proud statements.”
No wait! That’s not fair. I just thought of this whole thing while massaging my last client and it sounded really good in my head (good and true). Let me explain.
The reason why I feel fortunate is because I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing. My sails are up and I’m cruising down the Mississippi like Tom Sawyer. Bills are paid, belly fed, heart whole, successful ventures and ad-ventures ahead. Thar she blows.
The reason why I don’t feel embarrassed is because I believe with every ounce of my being that I can have, be, or do anything. I can move out of my parents basement if I truly wanted. I have the funds to do it. Anyone can move out!
I can go on Match.com and find the love of my life (it’s my backup plan that I know will work) – if I wanted it badly enough.
I can have a baby. Anyone can have a baby whether it be all natural or adoption. I can do it. I can have and do anything that everyone else in today’s society has or does.
This is why I don’t feel embarrassed. I truly believe that I don’t lack anything. If I felt embarrassed, it would be from judging myself based on what other people think of me. If I believe what people thought of me, I would hide away avoiding everyone. My face would be burning hot with resentment, embarrassment, and maybe even jealousy.
I would feel embarrassment if I had no faith in myself. Lacking faith, compassion, and love for yourself deprives you of living wholeheartedly. Feeling “less than” anyone would make you feel undeserving if anything good did come your way. You’d be sure to sabotage it, and continue believing that you can’t have what others have. You’re not smart enough, gifted enough, courageous enough…
In all honesty, I know it’s hard to swallow, but I never felt this way.
“You’re such a liar! If you never felt it, than how do you know what it feels like?”
Years of analyzing, my friend. Years upon years of empathizing. I learned from others how to be strong and how to believe in myself. Where they lacked, I saw courage in myself to believe that there ain’t no mountain high enough baby.
And okay, maybe I felt it for a fleeting wisp of a moment, but I saw no point in fixating on it. Why would anyone want to hold onto limiting beliefs? How does that feel good? I’m addicted to feeling good.
“Sometimes it’s reality, and not perspective. Sometimes that’s the truth of things, the way they are. Don’t you teach acceptance Melanie? Acceptance of things as they are?”
Well, call me an optimist, but I’m one of those people who believes that reality is based on perception and perspective. Perception coming first, and then perspective comes from deciphering your perception. If science can’t prove me wrong (if anything, they prove me right), then I will continue in my tirade of never getting embarrassed, never feeling resentment, and living in a world where anything is possible. Call me crazy, but I choose it.
So, I choose to play my video game. I don’t always obsess over games, but if this winter calls for a vacation in front of my new TV, so be it.
That’s all it is really – my way of vacationing outside my head for a while. We’re all escaping something and no, I won’t deny it.
I asked a question a few weeks back about what I want most out of life. All I could come up with was buying a motorcycle and going cross country. I feel the same amount of excitement about going cross country on a motorcycle that I have for my video game (and blog). After my trip, I’ll find something else to get me excited. But for now, motorcycle trip is number one.
I don’t know why it’s number one, but I feel it in my bones. I don’t just want to do it, I have to do it. Like someone wanting a baby, or a specific job – it can’t be explained why you want it, but you do.
Freedom? Adventure? Self-reliance? Seeing a beautiful landscape? Making every drop of this life matter? All of that is included in the bundle of why I want to do it.
Ayahuasca taught me that I will never fail while following my heart. We progress rapidly in our evolutionary development whenever we follow our hearts.
“Okay shut-up with all that nonsense already.”
Jeez, I’m really hard on myself…
Anyway, all that aside, I’m not going to be posting as much as I used to. Just for the time being at least (not forever). With my new obsession of audiobooks, my video game, and the book I’m writing – my blog needs to be put on lay-a-way.
I’m home now. My Mom is at the hospital getting a knee replacement, so I cooked myself grits with gravy tonight. They are instant grits from a packet. I loaded a bunch of gravy in it, stirred it around and made gravy grit soup.
It is truly repulsive to look at. Oh man I ate it all already. I should’ve taken a picture!
My aunt – “What’s that?”
Me – “Grits and gravy.”
She muffled her first response of saying “ew”. I heard it in her voice. And instead she said something like, “oh thats…good.”
It’s delicious. I’ll take a pic of it tomorrow.
- Left Alone (woundedtravels.wordpress.com)
- I am pestered by a strange inclination to play a video game after years of not doing so…interesting (moonlitprairie.wordpress.com)
- The Avatar – me, myself and I (imaginevirtualreality.wordpress.com)
- Skyrim (writingsplashes.wordpress.com)
- This blog is about… (imaginevirtualreality.wordpress.com)
- New Study Suggest Violent Video Games May Have Benefits for Children (sociologyofvideogames.wordpress.com)
- The Seasonal Embarrassment (jainefenn.com)
- Why I Couldn’t Get Into Skyrim (gamemoir.com)
- Skyrim – The Elder Scroll V (youriyuan.wordpress.com)
- How to Wear Leather Pants without Looking Like a Groupie (thebudgetfashionista.com)
If you look above the Wins vs. Losses pie chart, you’ll see that my current winning streak is up to 18 wins in a row. And this is four suit spider solitaire! Okay, here’s a little secret; I only start a game if I can make two moves. Otherwise, I deal again.
Spider solitaire is like book writing in the way of uncovering a new card (idea) and adding it to the original storyline (stack).
You know when you’re dealt a good hand if all the cards you uncover stack nicely against the storyline. You’d know if your book sucks when every card (idea) you uncover has no place in the pile. You get stuck.
Part of the glory of writing is being able to create the cards in your pile, however, if the cards you create don’t fit, you may have to cheat and add something that doesn’t belong. Like when a long running sitcom adds a new character to spice things up. Where the hell did that guy come from? And what’s with the Beach Boys making random appearances on Full House?
The thing is (this is important to know), when you add something that doesn’t fit, you essentially create out of nothing. That may be great for all you zen monks out there, but not so good for us writers. Writers are essentially building a box. We’re not thinking outside the box, but building one.
If the government prints money from nothing to pay off debt to right their wrongs, the money losses value. That goes the same for creating a plot and storyline – you must never create out of nothing otherwise your book will lose value and substance. You have to pull from what’s already there.
We should revert back to the gold standard.
Does that make sense to you?
From my experience with spider solitaire, the best hands are the one’s where I stack all the cards I can from the first hand I’ve been dealt and it free’s up a space where I can move around my pieces. I still have 50 cards (idea’s) left to pull from, and the chances of finding homes for them becomes much easier.
How does this relate? Start stacking from the very beginning. Making connections, freeing up options so any idea that may come up, has a home and more importantly, a purpose.
I finished up writing my fifth chapter last night. I stayed up until 2 a.m, completely exhausted. That’s the thing with writing, once I start, I know I have to say bye-bye to the rest of the day. And bye-bye to the possibility of getting to bed at a reasonable hour.
That’s why I’m writing a blog blurb right now. It has an ending. It won’t take all day to write.
Being five chapters into writing my first novel, means I have at least 30 if not more ahead of me. It reminds me of trekking the Camino on those first few tortuous days. When Santiago seemed so far away, so out of reach – and it was. It was freaking 500 miles away on foot!
I’m not sure what is more painful, writing a book or walking the Camino. They both seem unfathomable.
And so I’m blogging, watching Sons of Anarchy, and buying the Sons of Anarchy soundtrack on Amazon.
How does this make sense?:
I originally wanted to go hiking today and work on my book in Cheshire Coffee, but I need a rest. I really do. You guys don’t realize this, but I actually work a lot and I’m always working on some cockamamie project. Writing a book is work, massaging people everyday is work, keeping a blog is, well, work. This is my day off and I honestly don’t want to move.
This is one of the many reasons why I don’t want to date. I’m selfish in the way of constantly needing to create and to think. I need room. I need that freed up space when playing spider solitaire.
That’s the best way I can describe it.
The guy I’m seeing, I’ll call him MB (which is strange because he has the same initials as my brother’s fiancé), I truly adore him. But I can’t seem to pull myself aside from myself too long before I fold back into the fullness of my being.
It’s not that I’m not open or incapable of love, it’s just that my brain is exhausting – it truly is! It demands so much attention. And once I get everything out of me, I want nothing more than to eat a bowl of tomato soup and watch Netflix and play spider solitaire.
And on the days that I do go out, I drink like a fish, come home, and the next day I’m completely spent. I don’t want to do anything, talk to anybody, see anyone. I hole myself up in my room and watch tv. And between you and me, MB likes beer as much as I do. When I see him, I not only say bye-bye to the day, but to the next day as well.
As far as my solitaire hand goes, wow, what a deck. I’m referring to my book. Hole-lee-crap. One of my friends asked if she can be written in and I tentatively said, “sure, okay.”
Then she made it more specific, she wanted to be a little girl.
“I know the perfect part for you!”
It seriously came out of nowhere and shot into my head in a fraction of a second.
That’s the thing with the cards you’re dealt – finding connections. If you stack everything up and align them accordingly, you can make connections with anything.
And that’s the same for life! All your experiences and knowledge is like a big data base in your brain. The more you align yourself with them, ordering them in sequence, they connect to each other and any idea, thought or emotion that comes to you, you can connect it with what you already know. I’m pretty sure this is where genius comes from. Your ability to connect things to what would rather seem random or contradictory, is the tool we all use to create with.
Ayahuasca told me that 1+1 = 3, as in, 3D. You create something entirely new and tangible.
One more episode of Sons of Anarchy and then I need to write chapter 6. If I don’t write today, the day will feel empty.
I think too much :(
I need to stop blogging for a while guys…
- Spider Solitaire is Life (asilisis.wordpress.com)
- Things Learned while Playing Spider Solitaire: (sohmahondatohru.wordpress.com)
- October 8 – Tuesday – I’m a Blogger (thewalruswaspaul.net)
- Will Technology Replace Thinking? (halyardconsulting.com)
- “You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.” ~ Ray Bradbury, from Zen in the Art of Writing (poietes.wordpress.com)
- How to Avoid Avoidance Behavior (lillian888.wordpress.com)
- human days (mamasakti.wordpress.com)
- The Oddest Video Game Ever? (mancave.cbslocal.com)
- Pens, Embers & webs (beaembers.wordpress.com)
- [Science Solitaire] Can reading fiction help your non-fictional life? (rappler.com)
A few posts back I wrote about how I went online to sponsor a child from the Philippines. That’s all well and good, but yesterday I got a call from the fraud department of my bank telling me someone in France and the Netherlands used my card to purchase plane tickets on Expedia.
This is just a heads up, but I think it may have been the website I used to sponsor the kid. It’s a legitimate foundation, so it’s not them, but I’m guessing a hacker hacked into the sight and made a bogus payment page when people click on the sponsor button.
I’m 90% sure my number got stolen by them.
I’m just giving you guys a heads up.
Lol, I guess either way I’m still donating to charity, right?
Whenever I go back to read old posts, I can easily spot the shitty ones. Let’s be honest here, they’re everywhere and still pop up even to this day.
The shitty posts have no purpose. Or, they started out purposeful, but ended in a garbled sludge of words.
I can spot these posts because I recognize when I’m not writing from my heart and only focusing on the end results.
While writing these posts, I became fixated on getting the reader to know who I am and how I think. To accept and approve of me.
I did this by describing myself. I did this by describing what I deem to be acceptable in myself, in others, and life in general. I describe, latch on, and siphon any acceptance or approval that you, the reader, bestow on me.
Ask yourself; “Am I really speaking from the heart? Or am I only doing it to get a reaction?
Never describe yourself when you write. It’s boring and narcissistic. It keeps you on the super-ego fringe by focusing on people’s acceptance and understanding of you. It makes you sound needy and superficial. You are being needy and superficial when you feel it necessary to inform others on who you are.
If you write well, this will all be shown naturally. It’s an add-on bonus, not the purpose. Never focus on the end results. Focus on the reason - focus on your intensions.
And they shouldn’t be to gain acceptance or approval.
Listen to it like listening to music. We don’t listen to music so we can hear the end result, we listen to it with our hearts. We listen to it in the moment.
The best way to learn who you are is by writing something for others to read. That way you can see just how boring you really are.
Whatever is placed on the superficial fringe of ego, will inevitably be boring. It’s not real, it doesn’t matter, and in doing so makes you sound completely unaware of yourself.
It’s not living in the moment, you know what I mean? It’s creating an atmosphere that’s centered around yourself.
It’s like going on a date with a guy who talks incessantly about himself. Or listening to a friend ramble on and on about frivolities that don’t matter. And if their head was screwed on properly - should not matter to them either!
“Yes I know you don’t like that, yes I know you don’t approve of that, yes that’s a nice purse, yes the service is slow….”
When you describe things that you find acceptable or unacceptable, you are in essence, describing yourself. You’re filling the void where your faith should be. You don’t trust that you are enough and so you need others to fill you and tell you that yes, you are enough, yes your shoe’s are cute, yes I approve and accept you. No, your earlobes are not too dangly.
It’s not in the moment, it’s not real. It’s all fake and planned with subconscious intensions for gaining approval. These people keep taking and taking. It will never be enough.
“Yes I know you’re sad, I can see you’re doing your best, I know money is tight and see that you’re trying to make things work….”
The validation record plays on a loop. Answers are never heard. YOU are the problem and because the problem is you, only you can fix it.
Writing with purpose happens in the moment. When what’s in your heart is in exact communion with what you write. When your intensions aren’t to gain acceptance, praise or approval. Or to showcase your talents, intelligence and astounding vernacular.
You don’t need any of that because you already have all the faith you need. You know and accept who you are. And when this is done correctly, leads to power and inspiration. You start giving, rather than taking.
Living from the heart is always about giving. You give to others by sharing your bottomless well of faith. You give to others by being strong for them. By accepting them without judgement. You give by being kind, not nice.
Speak rightly when you write. Speak rightly when you talk. If you do this, no matter what you say, will always sound astounding and interesting. I promise.
Now if only I can heed my own advice…
- Coming Out Of The Closet (As A Writer) (emilynolin.com)
- Stuck In The Toilet Of Life That Is Self Imposed Writer’s Block (seanrichardburkett.wordpress.com)
- Psychology in Writing: The Super Ego – Writing Process (wtjowett.wordpress.com)
- Psychology in Writing: The Super Ego – Introduction (wtjowett.wordpress.com)
- How to become a Good Writer (freshie13.wordpress.com)
- Twenty Tips on How Not to Write (bemacomber.com)
- Put Your Soul/Self On The Page (writernextdoor.com)
- Purpose – full (hopeofglory.typepad.com)
- The first post … (kailijade.wordpress.com)
The universe gobbled up this post and spat it out into a parallel dimension that needed it more than our own. Everything happens for a reason, and so my dear friends, I give you a second revealing of this epic post.
P.s: Sorry to clutter up your inboxes with a duplicate post.
Apple gained their fame and success by utilizing a natural occurring pattern in nature called the Golden Circle.
They start every project with Why? Working from the inside out. The results are always clean, focused and precise.
I connect the What, How, and Why with Freud’s Id, Ego, and Superego.
Id is the Why – subconscious energies driving your ego.
Ego is the How – How to incorporate these energies into reality.
Superego is the What – The results.
Most people start with the results. It’s great having a goal and all, but according to my post The Secret Deciphered: Part One, it’s more important to know why you want something, not how or what you’re going to get.
If you just stumbled on this post and are interested in deciphering The Secret, you should click here to read my first post on the subject.
I’m going to discuss limitations here in Part 2. Limitations are created out of what you believe you can achieve. In other words, your belief in yourself is proportionate to your limitations. They’re two sides of the same coin.
That’s easy enough to understand, right? Seems pretty simple – I’m stating the obvious here, but stay with me before my obvious observations bore you. It gets better.
Beliefs are found in the Id, the Why center of the Golden Circle. If you find your “Why” to be governed by fear, you will have limited belief in yourself – if any. And you stay afloat on the shallow surface of “What” (the superego).
You stay on the surface because you don’t want to confront your fears. Nothing will ever transpire.
This is all very hard to explain, but try to stay with me. Shits about to get deep up in here.
I know I sound like a broken record when I say these things, but you can only gain belief in yourself by doing something that scares you. You end up gaining the courage needed to face your Id, the Why, and your fears.
Let’s fast-forward and pretend you found your courage and started believing in yourself – once that happens, all fear vanishes. You unfold into your self. Does that make sense? That’s the best way to describe what I’m feeling – an unfolding into my self. Like you become a citizen of your own world. Not just a citizen, but the owner, the president and master. The outside world can’t effect you because you are in a place of no limitation. The outside world has no correlation to you. You become like water, as Bruce Lee would say.
This is very hard to explain. It’s something that can’t be taught, only felt.
And I feel very strongly that limitations are formed from having a lack of strength in overcoming negative influences. Limitations are from the outside world, not from within.
What you believe you can achieve, sets your limitations. But what sets your beliefs?
Beliefs originate from two very opposing sides:
External influences – anything outside of your self
Internal forces – your heart
You lack power whenever you let external influences shape your beliefs. You have no strength or faith in yourself, and so you must be told what to believe. You need to be told what to do because you’re scared of being judged and not being accepted. Therefore, molding your limitations around fear.
As I stated previously in a past entry, if you’re scared of being judged and not accepted, it’s because you judge and don’t accept others. You don’t accept them because you fear they will reject you. And they reject you because they feel your fear and judgements. Again with the karma. You’re not ready to face your fears yet, and that’s okay!
When you are living wholly from your heart, beliefs become stable. They are stable because there’s no external influences disturbing them.
When your beliefs are shaped by external forces, you become narcissistic. Always needing and wanting. But when you live from your heart, you become a giver. Giving from the infinite power source from within.
If you meditate deeply on this, you can literally feel a shift happening. You might feel a jolt in your heart, or a swishy swish in your head – don’t be scared of it! It means it’s working. Feelings are deeply connected to your body, so let your body feel this new experience along with your heart.
You’ll be able to experience it and what you experience, you can understand. You only have to take the time to meditate on it. When I say “meditate”, I mean perfect focus – opening your heart to actually feel the things I’m telling you. Don’t think with words, but feel it. Believe it. Trust it.
There’s no language in the place of knowing. There are no words in wisdom. Let your thoughts guide you into that warm juicy feeling center. Wherever your thoughts are directed, you will follow.
Go into your heart.
This all makes perfect sense to me. Like I’m stating the obvious again. I always feel like I’m stating the obvious – that’s how I know it’s coming from a real place. I like to shape my beliefs using the KISS ASS formula. Keep It Simple Stupid Ass.
I would love to be able to write the exact order of the precise words to spur you into awakening. Even if it’s just for a small awakening, a few nanoseconds, I don’t care – you still felt it! If you felt it for even a nano-second, you would understand.
It’s like looking at one of those magic eye puzzles. If you only see the image for a split second, you become a believer that there really is something there. You just don’t know what it is exactly, but it’s there.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the real world. Forget all I just said. It’s really hard to do any of it anyway, so let’s do a modified version for beginners (ha ha I’m being a negative outside influence). Let’s talk about the “real” world and how it uses our ego’s to form viable limitations.
Most of us aren’t strong enough to unfold the layers of deep awareness. We’re not courageous enough to have faith and trust. And because of this, we give ourselves reasonable limits in exact accordance to our beliefs. This is the real world – it’s unavoidable unless you’re Jesus.
I just explained to you a portion of where you get your beliefs, now I want to focus on the limitations themselves.
If you’re not ready to let go and have faith (pulling from internal forces), then you have to work within your limitations. But you can make them work in your favor! You can achieve this simply by knowing what they are.
Your limits can be found in the following statements:
“I’ll never be able to afford it….”
“I’ll never accomplish that…..”
“I’m not smart enough….”
“I have no creativity…”
These are thoughts not taken from your heart, but from your head. If you ask yourself why you feel a certain way, you will then be directed to your id, your feeling center. This is where the magic happens. The Why center of the golden circle will always show you your fears.
Know your limitations like studying a map. Map them out and find your road blocks. Once you know what they are, you can push them. You widen them by doing something that scares you.
“But what if this happens?! What if I’m left with nothing?!”
That’s why I’m telling you to work within your limitations – conquering one small victory at a time. There’s no rush, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Focus on the stuff that can be bitten off in small nips. Because if you do take a plunge with fear governing your heart, disaster will follow. But then again, you’ll learn shit loads!
And while you’re in search of small ways to push your limitations, your brain starts utilizing parts of itself that you didn’t have access to before – your range of perception widens. Not only that, but you majorly tap into your id. You tap into it without trying. What was so buried before, comes into focus. The id wants to help you figure out your problems and it does so by giving you strength.
It’s all done subconsciously, you don’t even have to be aware of it. The id wants you to belief in yourself. Just a little at a time. One small victory at a time.
“I don’t want to do laundry, I’m scared it will cut into my relaxation time.”
That’s the best time to do laundry! When you don’t have to do it, you don’t need to do it – do it anyway! It will feel great, I promise.
I need to fold sheets and do laundry, that’s why I used it as an example. I’d rather write instead, which is totally okay. I’m aware of my priorities. If relaxing is the priority, than forget the laundry. But again, it’s tapping into the Why center. Why are you not doing laundry? Because it’s not a priority.
I’m rambling. That pile of clothes is staring at me.
Know why you don’t want to do something – that’s what I’m rambling about.
Clothes stop staring at me!
If you don’t want to confront your debt or look at your bank account, ask yourself why.
“Because I’m scared of what I’ll see.”
That’s an example of one small victory – just looking at your bank account. If you don’t look, you will never be able to control it. You’ll never find answers or strength. You’ll never face the fear – the same fear that’s causing your debt. Wrap that one around your noodle!
You end up filling the void with shallow addictions formed from the super-ego, instead of filling it with faith from the id. God, id, & self can only be felt as faith because no words reside in the center. Only belief and a continuous knowing lives there.
Again, stating the obvious, am I not?
The more contrasts you make between fear and faith (believing in yourself), the more you’re able to tell them apart. Without fear, there would be no belief in yourself – we need it to define the contrasts, to reinforce our faith and belief in ourselves. It’s the Yin & Yang defining each other. And it’s the road to awareness.
What about depressed people? People with no hope? No reason to go on living?
I like to think of depressed people as fermenting.
Whatever is impermanent is subject to change. Whatever is subject to change is subject to suffering.
Depressed people are in the cycle of change. But instead of allowing the change to happen, they hold on to everything. They bottle it all up and ferment with it. They stay on the shallow surfaces of ego because they can’t face their fears. Pain connects you to the past so as long as you stay with the pain, you’re still connected to it. The universe won’t disconnect you until you are ready.
Depressed people will never come out of depression if they don’t find faith in themselves – the part that is never changing.
Having faith is Atman, the metaphysical soul self. Faith and soul are interchangeable. The more faith you have, the more aware you become of your atman.
I came in close contact with my atman a few days ago. I woke up from a dream, or at least I thought I woke up. I went to rub my eyes, but noticed my arm was translucent. The last time this happened, I was 18 and freaked out in biblical panic. This time however, I was as calm as calm could be. I wasted no time in deciphering every last detail – everything about it, I remember.
I was laying in bed on my left side. I didn’t have the energy to look around my room, so I could only view the objects directly in front of me. I examined everything as closely as I could. It was dawn, so I could see. I remember asking myself why it was so bright before realizing it was morning.
“Everything looks exactly as it should look. My books are all there – the order of them on my shelf. The pen, lotion, notebook, all there down to the last detail.”
Once I decided that I was truly in my room and not some dream room, I looked more closely at my translucent arm.
“I’m flexing my hand and it’s doing exactly what I’m telling it to do. It’s acting like it’s suppose to act. This is so freaking cool!”
The more I examined my translucent arm, the more detail I saw in it. At first there was no arm at all, but when I looked closely at where my arm should’ve been, that’s when I saw a dim outline of it. The light in the room started reflecting off my arm, like it was wrapped in cellophane. It had a dull silvery glimmer. The details became sharper the more I stared and examined it.
My hand looked old, but only because the detail was so sharp. The way the light bounced off it, without the fleshy over-tones or shadows, made my hand look old. But I knew that that indeed was my hand exactly how it should look under those circumstances.
“What if I touch my physical body with it? What would happen?”
Before I imagined what could happen, I went on ahead and sunk my invincible arm into my right shoulder.
Static! I physically felt static electricity! I not only felt it, but I heard it crackle as my hand sunk deeper.
“Holy shit holy SHIT! What if I try healing myself?”
My hand was still lodged in my shoulder when I chanted the words, “heal heal heal heal.”
“My shoulder doesn’t need healing, but my brain sure does.”
So I quickly sunk my hand into the center of my head. The surge of sound was almost deafening – it was much louder then when I sunk it into my shoulder. And it wasn’t just sound – I felt it! It was very intense.
I moved my hand in and out of my head a few times to experiment and examine precisely what was happening. I’ve never felt static such as that. It wasn’t unpleasant, and it wasn’t pleasant. It felt like two fuzzy socks sticking together fresh from the dryer, and someone slowly pulling them apart in my brain. Only, amplified 100 times.
“Heal heal heal heal.”
Once I got bored with that, I tried leaving my physical body altogether. But I lacked energy. The only spiritual part I could wriggle free was my arm. The rest of me was rooted.
I know all this sounds nuts. I know I sound crazy. But this shit is REAL. My story gets a little weirder, but not by much.
I have the ability to hear music when I’m in the hypnogogic state. Scientists call this phenomena “auditory hallucinations”. They explain it happens when your brain tries to make sense out of the sounds it hears while you’re sleeping. The brain fails to make sense of it, so it fills in the blanks. My fan was turned on, so it could’ve been from that.
“I wonder if I can hear a symphony play?”
As soon as I wished it, a grand symphony started playing inside my head. Better than dolby digital surround sound. It was magnificent.
“Man, what I wouldn’t give to be a composer right now.”
It was music I never heard before, but it was still breathtaking. I tried controlling the rhythm, controlling when the orchestra boomed and waned. That part was hard, but it still worked. It sounded best when I didn’t try controlling it.
Then fear snuck up on me with, “I hope it doesn’t stop playing – please don’t play something stupid.” And sure enough, the orchestra was replaced with some kind of bluegrass jaunt. It wasn’t horrible, but I didn’t care for it.
And that’s when I fell back to sleep.
I’m not normal. I know I’m not normal. But I’m also not the only one who has these experiences.
We all know about limitations and how fear can manipulate us when we’re not looking directly at it. We know all that. It’s just that nobody bloody care’s enough to think about it – nobody has the time to think about it.
I’m the product of 20 years worth of thinking about it.
Nobody cares. ”What’s the point?” they say.
Evolution is the point. Awareness and being awake.
You should be bothered by life’s greatest mysteries! We know nothing and nobody cares! People go about their day, working their knuckles to the bone, popping out babies and then they end it all by moving to Florida. Not once wondering what it’s all about.
“Wondering about that crap won’t put food on the table.” Is what they say.
People believe in religion – religion blows my mind! How can anyone believe so adamantly in something they haven’t experienced for themselves? They believe out of fear. Fear connects them to whatever religion they believe. Meanwhile, the bible teaches people to trust and have faith, that God is in them – nobody gets it! ALL religions point to the same thing. Reaching Dharma, letting go. It’s all there in every religion. And once you get it, you can let go of your appointed religion because fear no longer binds you to it. You no longer need religion once you understand what it teaches. You have experienced it and now you can let it go.
Everything baffles me. People confuse me. All I see is pain everywhere, either pain or a numbing of it – a sort of “dumbing down”. Keeping towards the shallow end of the Golden Circle.
Love and feelings are the only two things real in a person. Not taking anything seriously, trusting, admitting love/fears, letting your feelings out, places you in direct alignment with your heart. Everybody let’s out just enough for them not to feel alone, or see that the world’s insane. It’s the same as employers paying their workers just enough to stay working there.
How much are you willing to let out? How much are you willing to risk?
Forever numbing and dumbing.
If you’re too “lazy”, “content”, or too “busy” to see what’s in your heart, you are numbing yourself. Numb people are exhausted people. They are content with what they have because they accepted defeat. Fear has beaten them into submission, so they are always tired. They gave up on living through the heart because it’s too painful. There’s too much at stake.
These are the people with no hobbies, no art or song in their hearts. They struggle everyday to find something to distract themselves with. Looking for a place to draw energy from.
When I was under ayahuasca, she showed me the true nature of existence, and it IS insane. People in the world ARE crazy! It’s all thanks to our ego’s. We’re not able to see true reality because we are still attached to our ego’s. Our mass consciousness is not aware of itself, we are not aware of ourselves or how we hurt others.
“It’s not me, it’s the other guy.” Is heard from both ends. It’s karma. What you are capable of doing, someone did it to you. It gets handed down. We reflect off each other. We are all but a mirror in a world of mirrors. We don’t possess the strength not to be.
We view others as separate physical beings – we see their physicality, but not their souls. Body and actions are shown, no heart. We react and not act. We react with our body-bound ego that hands itself over to the circumstances. We do this because we have yet to experience our own soul. We experience our bodies everyday, but how do we go about experiencing being in our immortal soul?
And because we believe we are merely our bodies (regardless of believing in an after-life), we treat others as though they are merely bodies as well. And if we don’t like something about somebody, we want to smash them physically or mentally – a lot of times both. Why? To let out the pain that’s in us, to let out our fear and defeat it – that’s why.
All this is intuitive knowledge – we ALL feel it! To me it’s like I’m stating the obvious. But is it obvious to everyone?
It’s the mass conscious energy of ego. If only we can move past the outside edge and into the mass conscious energy of feeling and of Why. We can only get there together.
Ayahuasca told me we can only evolve together. That we are all connected.
Me – “But why? Why evolve? What’s it all for?”
Ayahuasca – “If you know why, then you’ll know God.”
She said that! All the answers can be found in the Why center of the golden circle. And everything can be felt if we’re ready to feel it. God is on the inside of everything, including us.
All pain is caused by fear. Fear is self-inflicted. Karma is self-inflicted.
Okay, it’s late. I should stop writing. I shall edit in the ‘morrow.
The point of this post was to tell you that you should know your limitations, work within them, and push them ever-so-slightly. That was the point before I went off on a tangent. I’ve been writing this post for days!
3,000 word posts happen when I neglect to hit the publish button.
- The Secret Deciphered: Part One (melanieslifeonline.com)
- How to Let Go of Fear (lorensworld.com)
- Melanie writes about self-worth, self-analyzing, karma, trust and Johnny Carson (melanieslifeonline.com)
- You Know It. Trust It. (tonningsen.wordpress.com)
- ID,Ego and Super-Ego (zazenlife.com)
- Breaking Down…. (veronicabrownevans.wordpress.com)
- “Woke Up This Morning” (morgancaba.wordpress.com)
- Affirmations I – Beliefs (theiamblog.wordpress.com)
- Beat Your Anxiety…Naturally (thankskellen.com)
- When Denial Slays Love (bemacomber.com)
I have in my draft folder a very long post that I was intending to turn into an Ebook, but I don’t see that happening. I’m still going to write my book, don’t get me wrong, only I want to make it grand and epic, that’s all. Turning a post into an Ebook just because it’s long, is not the way to go. It’s not being mindful. It’s being lazy.
I want to add a storyline, something readers can relate to. I want people to experience my insights by feeling them, not just on an intellectual level, but in the heart. This can only be done through story.
Indians telling tales around a fire, the stories told in the bible, and the stories of Greek God legends are all there to help us feel the lesson.
This route is a lot more difficult than my normal outpourings. I have to be creative on a new level. It’s scary and I have no idea where to begin. I need to trust, that’s all. Have intent in my heart, and write hard and fall fast.
Editing it all makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.
So, my next post will be a whopper. McDonalds has taken the liberty of super-sizing it.
If only I was able to keep my postings short and sweet, more people would read them. I know this, you know this, we all know it. But there’s always so much to say….
This post is short :)
- Art Inspiration: The Greek Gods Distraction on Olympus: Final Product (paulgauchi.wordpress.com)
- Deer in Headlights by Staci Hart (bookskeepmesane.wordpress.com)
- Immortal Seductions Book Blast with Jennifer Lynne (coffeetalkwriters.com)
- Zack Snyder’s Reason for the Mass Death in MAN OF STEEL (geektyrant.com)
- Giving Percy Jackson A Chance (castinghublegit.wordpress.com)
- Art Inspiration: The Greek Gods Distraction on Olympus: Olympus (paulgauchi.wordpress.com)
- Module One (ppccmyth1n1.wordpress.com)
(This is mostly a rehash of all my old posts, but told and shown in brightly new ways!)
I want to write about The Secret and how it compares to my enlightenment with ayahuasca.
Back in 2006, Rhonda Byrne published The Secret and it quickly became a self-help bestseller. After hearing about it from my brothers girlfriend, I hopped on the new-age bandwagon and borrowed her audiobook, then bought the movie.
I understood the concept, I thought frequently about the science behind it before ever having heard of the book (I’ve read a lot of books on physics and string theory). I fully understood how and why it worked – but I did so on the superficial level. I haven’t actually experienced it. I didn’t have the feel for it. The feel that can only come with experience.
Feelings are felt in the limbic system – a place of no language or reason. You can only tap into the limbic system by having experiences.
When I was under the influence of ayahuasca, I asked her if the law of attraction was real, I asked if it worked.
She answered with a yes and no.
If you are attached to the thing you desire, you will NEVER get it.
I wrote many times before that all attachment is laced with fear. Fear is the absence of God and light. If your fear (attachment) outweighs the light (strength and faith), you will never acquire what you want. If you grown dependent on something, whatever you’re dependent on will fail you.
It’s karma. Karma navigates only through the dark murky waters of fear.
But at the same token, we need to feel our desires – we need to acknowledge them. Our desires are formed by our thoughts. Thinking that we cannot possibly live a happy life without the thing we desire most.
We are not our desires. We are not our thoughts.
Okay, I’m going to get a little wacky religious here, but that’s what my enlightenment was about – God.
We are all connected to a higher source, we all have access to the word of God. If we listen to our hearts, we can hear sirens singing us a lullaby. All will be well, always. You are loved and cared for, always.
When we say things like, “Oh I’ll never be happy unless I have this or unless I have that….”, we are in retrospect, turning our backs on God – cutting off all faith in him. We blame him (or others) for our troubles, blame him for our unanswered prayers while it’s really us doing everything to ourselves. It’s from not listening to the calm in our hearts. All will be well. Have faith. Trust.
Having attachments is the same thing as having no faith in God.
It’s like filling that preverbal “void” you hear so much about.
It’s the same as saying you’re not enough, God is not enough. I need this, I need that. You should confront your “needs” and ask yourself why they are so important. It will ALWAYS come down to fear.
“It’s because I’m scared of not being happy, I’m scared of not being enough for others, I’m scared of being judged….etc”
Fear = attachment
Whatever you’re scared of, you’re attached to.
You are whole just as you are. You must trust. People who can’t feel this or experience it, aren’t ready to. They need to find more strength and courage. They need to suffer more. The best way to suffer is by pushing and forging ahead despite what your heart is telling you. Keep doing it until you find strength. When your head is not symbiotic with your heart, you will suffer yourself into gaining strength.
Ego’s are necessary for our evolution.
By letting go, surrendering, and owning your fear by confronting it, oddly enough you will gain full control. By letting go and having faith, you end up having full control. It’s true! Ayahuasca said so!
You’re not only having faith in God, but faith in yourself because you are God – he’s built into you. When you are in his divine awareness, your ego gets pushed aside. All fear is gone. Not only is it gone, but you can actually see it plainly for the first time. Like a fish out of water, or waking up inside a dream. You become aware.
When I was induced with aya, I realized that nobody would truly understand anything I’ve learned because they haven’t experienced it for themselves. Even if people believe everything I tell them, they still wouldn’t understand because they’re not connected. Wisdom flows through you when you’re connected.
Listening to Guru’s won’t make you get it, they won’t make you understand. When you start feeling the outpouring of wisdom for yourself, only then you’ll get it. And you’ll see where Guru’s receive their wisdom from.
Trust in God was a huge insight in my ayahuasca induced musings. Trust is everything. Trust and letting go. Those who can’t let go or trust God end up in the lower regions of hell. Many people who have taken ayahuasca usually end up in the lower realms – almost everybody. The gravity sucks them in.
I got all this information from listening to others, and what I learned while being enlightened. Hell exists and it’s for those who lack connection to God. For those who aren’t connected to their hearts. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people, just that they haven’t suffered enough to gain strength and awareness. Addictions and attachments own them, fear owns them – not the light.
In your heart, in God’s heart, you are a perfect being no matter what you do, you are perfect. People lack connection to their core and get snared in by their ego’s. Ego is like gravity. It creates and nestle’s itself into the environment within our minds, not our hearts – an environment that shapes us without us shaping it.
It is only through suffering do we learn strength. Strength to let go and to let God (have faith!).
But how do you let go? Ah, now that’s the question!
If you’re having trouble letting go, it’s because you’re not there yet. You’re not ready. And that’s okay! Our minds judge us on our weaknesses, hence feeding them power. It’s a cycle. We berate our flaws, don’t accept them, and end up living accordingly to them.
With acceptance comes surrender and with surrender we are able to let go.
The ego holds everything together. Like tendons, or fascia holding our body’s together. When it see’s a weakness, it builds up stronger connections just to hold everything steadily in place. It’s biology for survival. It’s using our unaware reptilian minds.
The whole point of us being here is to evolve ourselves away from all that. We defeat fear by doing something that scares us. And letting go can scare the pants off of anyone.
So anyway, the law of attraction works if you let go of attachment. That’s the whole point of this post. Whew, excuse me while I wipe the sweat off my furrowed brow.
Look at your needs and don’t ask yourself what they are, ask yourself why they are. Always ask yourself why. “Why” works in the limbic system of no thought, just feeling. Again, as I stated many times before, feelings are your power source. They are the juices that drive you – the sauce that erupts itself into creative genius. Just like your seventh grade science fair volcano!
You will never know what you’re scared of if you don’t confront your feelings.
Feelings are felt in the body as well. They need to physically come out as much as they do mentally. Move your body in ways that don’t feel natural until they do feel natural. Do yoga, dance, shake it out in convulsions if you have to. Exercise.
I feel like a broken record when I write these posts. I keep learning and experiencing new things that tie in with the old things, so I have to keep repeating just to keep remembering and building.
I’m building a structured framework – a pattern of beliefs. A pattern without patterns, a structure without structure. You know how hard that is? Especially hard not having an ego to hold everything in place!?
Bah, who am I kidding.. My ego is perfectly intact. But I am aware of it and what it does.
Okay Mel are you ready to let go of all attachment? Ready to put down that electronic cigarette and go to sleep and have one of your freaky nicotine nightmares?
Let go have faith let go have faith let go have faith.
Let go of money. I do not need money. I can’t eat or drink money. Money is paper. Why do I need it? Fear! Let go have faith let go have faith.
It’s freaking hard man, I’m telling you. How poor do I have to be in order to start believing?
I don’t want to sport a potato sack – I fear sporting a potato sack! Maybe I need to wear a potato sack in public just to get over my fear of being poor. Or maybe I should live in a cabin by Walden’s Pond.
How do I let go dammit? I know all this shit and yet can’t utilize it. What’s the point?
Okay now wait a tick, my feelings are taking a turn. I’m remembering something, or intuiting something…..hmmm….let it happen…let it happen…AHA!
I believe in myself! That’s the kicker. There it is. By believing in myself, the fear diminishes. If I don’t want to be poor, I simply won’t be and that’s that. There is no “what if.” If I don’t want it, than it simply won’t happen – fear has nothing to do with it. Omg…..brain explosion….rip….to….shreds….soul….implosion….and let there be light!
Holy shit I get it. I freaking get it! Had I had it before? Probably, I write so much freaking shit in here I forget half the stuff.
Let’s hold it there. Really grasp and experience it. Are you there with me?
Okay, let’s go over this again (more for myself than for you). Whatever I want, I can manifest so long as I believe in myself. Fear is nowhere to be seen. How the hell can I explain this? I feel like I’m high right now, seriously. I totally let go of my attachment to money and yet I still want it – it’s so confusing!
What I just experienced can’t be put into words to where you will understand and experience it along with me. How shitty is that? It’s like I don’t need money, but I want it. That whole dichotomy of wants vs needs just went to a whole ‘nother level.
Okay, let’s stay calm. I know I sound crazy, I know I know, blah blah what-ev, I don’t care.
Omg I just remembered there was something else I wanted to write about The Secret! It has to do with working within your limitations. I’m not sure how long it will take to write about that since all my posts tend to ramble on into unearthly dimensions. So, I’ll end this post here and continue tomorrow. I will label this post Part One.
Holy shit it’s late!
1,825 words later and I’m still not done…..
I’m seriously a narcissist…
Yay look at me I’m on the internet!
For all the world to see
My mental disfigurement!
Fondle me with care
I’m a daffodil with hair
I need your love
I want your attention
Aren’t you also
Wanting a connection?
or internet provider
Broadening your scope
It’s beginning to get wider
It’s 3 in the morning….
- The Five Stages into Awareness. Teachings from my Hero’s Journey. (melanieslifeonline.com)
- Melanie writes about self-worth, self-analyzing, karma, trust and Johnny Carson (melanieslifeonline.com)
- As The Crow Flies: A Lesson in Trust and Faith (journeyfoot.com)
- Elliott commented on the post, Ayahuasca: A Story of Death, Rebirth and Love (highexistence.com)
- Defining the Mind (winstonscrooge.wordpress.com)
- My Ayahuasca Experience – Part 1 (myjourneysinsight.com)
- Why Don’t Dolphins Fight Back? (timzimmermann.com)
- Melanie’s Night Terror (melanieslifeonline.com)
- Addiction midterm (thoughtsofalonelytraveller.wordpress.com)