Category Archives: Uncategorized

No videos until I get home

It’s taking forever to upload them. It’s faster uploading them to YouTube but I can’t embed the videos here on my blog unless I have a computer in front of me.

When I get home I’ll make a really long post and embed all my YouTube videos here.

Yesterday was fun. I did exactly what I set out to do. I found a way to make it all the way to Siam square to check out the big shopping center and see a movie. I even ate at a really cool place that lets you cook your own food. I ate so freaking much.

I love eating more than anything.

I figured out the cheapest and most adventurous way to get to the plaza would be to take the fairy to the sky train and the plaza is right there as soon as I step off the sky train.

I left my hotel at noon and exactly two hours later I was seated in a theatre (with assigned seating) watching Exodus in English.

Bangkok is HUGE. Bigger than Madrid, Barcelona, and pamplona combined. At least it seems that way to me. It’s clean here and nobody hocks up phlegm or blows snot out their noses like they do in China and South Korea.

I was born in the wrong country. I love everything about this place and I haven’t even seen the best of it yet.

Everyone practices Buddhism here. Everyone bows to each other in a show of respect. Before the movie began, we all stood like in the pledge of allegiance to watch a video about their country and their leader. Their leader really likes dogs because in every picture he was surrounded by dogs. He looks like a kind man.

There’s more homeless people in NY. There’s no stray dogs laying in the streets panting their last breaths. I seen more monks in the two days I was here than I did in my entire stay in Nepal.

And every restaurant serves my favorite food.

As of now, compared to everywhere else I been, Thailand is by far my favorite.

And today I see Brianna who is already texting me wanting to go out on the town to have a wild night. As long as I have beer in me, this 34 year old girl can handle anything.

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The worst has happened

I’m in Thailand and the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person has happened to me.

Bedlam. I’m experiencing bedlam.

My Mother found my blog!

She posted a comment on my Pearl Harbor post and signed it with “Ma.”

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She claims to have searched my name on the Internet and that’s how she found it.

Impossible! My name is nowhere to be found here except for the Melanie part and since I stopped blogging all the time, it’s rare I pop up on search engines AND WordPress tells me what search terms were used to find my blog and my full name was never one of them.

Which means my own mother is lying to me.

Ever since my blog started getting personal, I stopped sharing it with people. It’s not worth it. A few of my closest friends still don’t know of its existence.

And now of all people, my Mom found it. She wants me to delete it.

Um, no?

And so I did what every normal sophisticated blogger would do if in my situation and told her I’ll die here in Thailand if she continues to read it.

“I have a bad feeling that if you continue reading it, I’ll die here in Thailand. I’m not going to make it home.”

Childish? Absolutely. But I asked her repeatedly to stop reading it and she kept responding with “no, it’s right here on my computer.”

I had no choice but to play dirty and use her superstitious fears against her.

It worked.

Son of a bitch though, right? I’m dying to go home to see exactly what she’s talking about with my name being in the search engines. There’s no way.

I don’t want her reading it but what I’m more upset about is that someone told her about it. Who would do that?

Okay well, if someone has a personal vendetta against me I think that’s pretty much the worst they can do. If that doesn’t satiate their thirst for revenge, negative reviews for my business will be next.

Negative reviews would be the worst possible thing they can do to me.

It’s only Wednesday and my business already made over $400 this week and we sold 2 more memberships. I should go away more often.

I’m here in Bangkok. I arrived the night before yesterday. Yesterday all I did was lay around ordering room service and napping. It was spectacular.

Today I ventured the streets toting my hefty guide book in hand. Sweat rolling down my back and my eyes squinting in the sun because I forgot my sunglasses at home. It was hot. And I was sticky from letting an ice pop melt all down my arm.

I met a friendly thai man who hailed me a tuk tuk and he told the driver to take me to several different places for the low price of 60 baht. The guy was a complete stranger off the street. And I was like, sure, why not? I literally had no idea what to do or where to go. I somehow always end up meeting helpful people whenever I travel. It’s weird but true.

Truthfully, I can’t wait until Brianna gets here.

I want to check out this big shopping plaza tomorrow but it’s a pain in the ass to get to. My hotel is near the grand palace and a few other cool sites, but I’m far from the subway, sky train and bus routes. I’m not in a central location. It makes me not want to go out.

Alas, I can’t stay here all day. Although I love it here in my hotel…I love the room service and the universal TV channel and the friendly lady boy behind the front desk. He’s so pretty.

I’m going to save the grand palace and boat tour for when Brianna gets here and tomorrow I’ll check out the shopping plaza. There’s a movie theatre playing Exodus there. I’ll manage just fine on my own.

Unless if my mom breaks her promise and reads my blog again, I’ll most likely die from malaria.

Yes, a horrible feeling I have. Something bad will happen to me if she continues to read it.

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Another 3 AM Bolg Post

Garg I’m so tired! And all that bullshit I wrote about in my last post is completely irrelevant now. I have flipped, not tipped (into success), but flipped onto my backside like a turtle. I need a rope.

Rational brain: “Okay calm down. What’s wrong this time?”

Taxes are what’s wrong. Taxes are killing me!

Rational brain: “Haven’t you anticipated this?”

No! I mean, yes. But mostly no! It’s because of my employee’s. Now that they’re working so much, my taxes tripled since August. Tripled!

Taxes have the potential of ending my business. What appeared to be a perfectly good business plan, shot to pieces by Uncle Sam’s buckshot.

Rational brain: “Than it was never a perfectly good business plan, was it?

Shut up shut up SHUT UP.

Okay, calm down and think Mel….Think.

All the online deals I sold at the beginning of this business are expiring this month. So we are swamped and trampled on by last-minute redeemers. I can’t sell any more online deals to quell this unprecedented tax increase because we would be so backed up – Groupon debt is what I call it. Groupon debt is when I sell a bunch of deals, use up all the money I acquired from those deals before they get redeemed, and I’m left with 300 or so patrons with thirsty bodies needing…kneeding. And not a dime left to pay my employee’s with.

Rational brain: “Go to sleep. You can’t do anything about it now. Listen to The Secret and go to sleep.”

The Secret isn’t getting me through this panic. I’m flummoxed. And I can’t promote my membership program because if I did, those clients wouldn’t be able to book until weeks from now.

Transitioning into phase two (stepping back and letting my employee’s take over) happened too soon. But I literally couldn’t go another day massaging 6 clients a day, 6 days a week – I just couldn’t. My thumb started hurting so bad that I had trouble brushing my teeth. I had to hold my brush all cock-eyed like an ape.

Rational Brain: “Can’t you just wait a few weeks until all these deals get redeemed and/or expire? Then sell a few more once these deals are done and send out an email blast promoting the membership? How many more members do you need to start breaking even?”

73. I need at least 73 more members in order for me to break-even. If I can get 20 more sign-ups, that will take care of my new tax problem, but yeah….I need 73 more overall.

The reason I’m awake is, will I reach 175 members before my well runs dry?

Please oh please oh please God.

Rational brain: “There is no God, remember? There is only you.”

Don’t you dare get me started on that debate. How can you even say that?

Rational brain: “Ayahuasca told you to have faith in yourself. You can’t have faith in God if you don’t even have faith in yourself.”

Cripes….

Rational brain: “It’s part of our spiritual evolution….”

Got it.

Rational brain: “Once we discover our own potential and capabilities – we’ll have belief, not faith, but belief in ourselves and….”

Oh my god CAN it already I got it!

Rational brain: “….we’ll see that God is us.”

So there IS no God then.

Rational brain: “Okay, let’s not discuss this tonight. Save it for your Ecuador post.”

Shit my Ecuador post….It’s so far in the past now.

It is October 9th, 2014 and I am struggling. I need to sell 73 more memberships, or make at least $125 a day. Today I made $44 and it was only in tip money. This is why I’m awake. I have shotty plans but no “savior” idea’s. And lord know’s I need a savior right now. If it’s only me throwing myself a rope, I’m afraid I’ll use it to hang myself with.

Rational brain: “Stop being so god-dammed dramatic. Just last week you were beaming from ear to ear and shouting that you were on top of the world, don’t you remember?”

I have 7 as my life path number in numerology. 7’s have extreme high’s and low’s. We are also the loner number, the rebels.

Rational brain: “Puh-lease.”

You’re not being very rational tonight, Rational Brain.

Rational brain: “Please go to sleep. Go to sleep and not publish this post? Please?”

Ah I got it!

Rational brain: “Got what?”

I’m having a low. Yes that’s it. That’s all. It should not be mistaken for clarity, when in fact I’m just going through a low. It’s transient and meaningless.

Rational brain: “Um, okay….So you can go to sleep now because you figured everything out then.”

Yeah.

It’s now the next day.

I woke up so tired. Zombie tired. I massaged two older men who adore me, then ran my errands as quickly as possible so I can go home and nap. I Dropped off and picked up sheets, I finally threw a mammoth bag of garbage that’s been sitting in my bedroom into a dumpster. Went to CVS to buy super glue and then walked next door to the packie so I could prepare myself for tomorrow night with 6 cans of Bud Light. Shit….Tomorrow night….

And no matter where I went today while being in zombie mode – I swear I felt I massaged everyone I came across. The woman standing in front of me at CVS – I massaged her – the woman coming out of the package store – yes I massaged her too. I don’t even need to touch a person to know what it would feel like. Everyone looked familiar today. Just like when I’m stoned, I feel like I know everyone.

Today we made $180, but we’re averaging $105. I’m supposed to be making $125 a day. $20 X 30 days is $600 which means I’ll be short $600 this month if this keeps up.

Shit, why am I telling you all this? It’s not like you care or anything. I’m in it alone. There is no God.

Rational brain: “Would you please stop with that nonsense! And what are you still doing up? It’s 12:24 AM and you never even taken your nap. Sleep damn you!”

When I got home earlier today I started playing The Last of Us. It’s a zombie game. Highly addicting. I know this sounds crazy but….

Rational brain: “When do you not sound crazy?”

The game is helping me conquer my fear. Fear in general. Some parts are insanely creepy, the graphics are phenomenal – you’re playing a man who’s guarding a little girl and at any minute a clicker can run out and with one bite CHOMP you’re dead, or she’s dead. It makes my heart race not to mention my sloppy knee-jerk gameplay reactions. But I’m overcoming it in a way that can be applied to real life.

It’s a lot like that nightmare I had a while back. Let me try to find it because it’s a really good post…hold on…here it is.

Once you’re completely aware of your surroundings and mastered your emotions, you are in full control. It’s all just a matrix anyway, no different from a video game. I experienced the matrix in that night terror, in my video game, and after ingesting ayahuasca of course. But in real life it’s a bit tricky since we’re completely immersed in the ego/fear driven physical reality. We let our emotions tell us what we see. None of it is real.

And since we’re all stuck in the matrix of emotion and thoughts (including other people’s emotions and thoughts), we can’t make choices. We remain unconscious.  You can’t choose what you can’t see.

It’s now October 17. Wow…..for real?

These past few weeks been murder. I was forced into working everyday because of the backload of unredeemed vouchers that were expiring. I’m so tired. My money situation is still in the red zone.

I went to an open house for a yoga studio tonight. There was a woman there doing angel card readings. After my friends had their complimentary readings done, it came my turn. I drew the Earth Angel card. The psychic gave me a huge smile and said, “I love when this happens.”

Me – “Yeah? It’s good then?”

Psychic – “I knew you were one of them before you picked this card.”

Me – “Oh yeah?”

Psychic – “You’re an Earth Angel. You come from a far away place and were brought here to teach us. You had wings before you came here. Are you sensitive?”

Me – “Umm…..sort of.”

Psychic – “Just remember that you’re not alone. There are more of you out there. All with special talents.”

My friend grumbled saying she wanted to draw a new card.

The psychic wrote down a book for me to read all about Earth Angels and how to harness my call to help people. It all starts with me having to protect myself from abuse. Apparently I’m a magnet for abusive, manipulative relationships because I shrug off and allow bad behavior. I’m forgiving and have no boundaries with people. I have to learn boundaries and how to put restraints on how much I give to others. When left unrestrained, they feed off me and take advantage.

Ayahuasca told me I was a martyr……

Before my reading, I listened in on the readings she gave to my friends. She talked about ego and fear and completely nailed them both. I won’t go into it, but once again I found myself in awe of how some people can understand ego and fear so completely, while others are stuck in the “matrix”. This psychic girl had my full-on attention.

Tonight after the open house, we all went to the Fire Place for drinks and well, I don’t know….it’s almost like I don’t need to smoke pot anymore in order for me to see through people. They gossiped about their friends, vied for each others attention. All the while I humbly sat there and had the spot-light on me whether I wanted it or not. It automatically zooms in on me.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired and alone. One guy is trying to date me but he’s everything I hate about people. Arrogant, narcissistic, apathetic and according to tonights gossip, he tried making me jealous by bringing his friend (who’s a girl), to a bonfire I attended. I couldn’t care less.  My heart went out to him because I couldn’t care less.

I hate this side of me. The side that remains emotionally unaffected – detached. I just plain don’t give a shit. It’s this side of me that people see the most – the unemotional side. The side that shrugs, gulps down her beer and grins stupidly. I don’t give a shit – but I love you!

And it’s not a way of protecting myself from getting hurt either – it’s the sincere kind of not giving a shit. It’s not a block (I can feel blocks when they occur), but more like an understanding. I understand too much of what’s happening and because I understand, I stop caring.

Anyway, I hate writing about me.  I’m sure that I’m the apathetic narcissist who thinks she know’s everything – that’s why I loath those qualities in others.  That’s why I can recognize them.  I mean, it’s all right here in my description of myself.  It’s all true.  And I’m the worst of them all because I’m so far removed from everyone that I don’t even care enough to play their games or get emotionally entangled and because my cool exterior can hurt a person – I love them all the more for their humanity.

The more removed I am, the more I love people.  I can’t explain it any better than that.

I’m really transfixed tonight.  I need to stop writing.

I wasn’t going to publish this post, but it’s been so long since I shared anything.  It has to go up.  Saved into my memory bank blog.

I just looked up what it means to be an Earth Angel.  It said I’m a light being who is meant to stop people from being fearful.

Holy shit dude.

A few weeks ago I was explaining to a friend of mine my definition of karma and how I learned it’s true meaning after drinking ayahuasca.

Karma is made from fear.  If you’re fearful about something, the thing you’re most afraid of happening, will happen.  If you do bad things and bad things happen to you, the reason why you do bad things in the first place is out of fear.  Fearful actions cause bad karma.  We are all here to rid ourselves of fear by means of the ego.  The ego is fear itself, only disguised under a different interpretation.  Lose the ego, you lose the fear and immediately you’re sent into enlightenment.

But because we’re all connected, we can only evolve together – just like ayahuasca said.  Whoever claims to be enlightened is full of shit.  Ayahuasca said enlightenment is not sustainable in the physical world.

“Don’t believe in false prophets” is just one of the many undeciphered quotes from the bible that nobody understands its true meaning to.  ALL prophets are false.  We are all the sons of god – and believe it or not, according to the bible, Jesus was trying to drill that into our thick skulls.

OH man I’m really transfixed.  I NEED to sleep.  And now it’s 3 AM dammit.

My friend loved my interpretation of karma so much so that she had me explain it all over again to her friend tonight.  And me being the narcissist that I am, I’m driven completely by this need to share my “wisdom”.  I get off on it.

I’m brewing a new breed of egocentricity.  The sparkly guru who drinks beer and shrugs everything off.

Okay, enough self-love for one night.  Bitch gotta get her winks.

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3 a.m blog post

I’ve been having trouble falling to sleep for two reasons:

1)  I don’t have to wake up early anymore and,

2)  I’m excited.

I’m excited because my business is tipping over into the success zone.  I’m so close to it that I can feel its hot breath on the nape of my neck.  Whispering in my ear like a passionate lover.  Its presence never leaves my awareness.

I barely work anymore.  The therapists I hired all run the joint when I’m not around.  I made it impeccably easy and intuitive – the Apple brand of massage clinics.  It’s evolving itself into a beast machine that eats people, slobbers them in lotion only to spit them back out into the world partially digested with lighter wallets.

I feel partially digested….

Yesterday marked the start of my new schedule and with it came insomnia.  I’m entering into phase two of my business plan.  Phase two involves me taking a step back and letting my employee’s step in.  But because I’m at the cusp of entering phase two, I have to delicately balance my finances.  Once the finances are fully submerged in the profit zone, I can enter into phase three – expansion.

My whole life I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen.  I’m actually accomplishing something.

This month I spent well over $3,000 in unaccounted for investments and purchases and my projected total money in the bank for October 1st is the same amount of money that I started with on September 1st.  This means that I broke even.  Even after having made all those unwarranted purchases, I managed to break even.

But I’m still hesitant to lay my burdens down.  I don’t trust it yet.  There’s still a twang of tension in the air.  Mostly due to not understanding the math – according to my calculations, I should be negative what I started with.  I sincerely don’t understand.

Good lord I’m tired.  I don’t want to do anything for a week.  I had one client today, one tomorrow – I still have to massage one or two clients a day which is 90% less then before, but I’m yearning for my week of freedom.  To block out an entire week – I’m not there yet.

I’ll be cusping well up to 115 members, then my new employee can assume the rest of my remaining shifts.  Once I reach 130 members, I’ll be fully submerged in the profit zone.

I’ll have only one problem to contend with once I reach 130 members and that is the problem of insomnia.  Insomnia from plain excitement.  Not a good nights sleep, only day naps.  It makes life miserable.

I can’t wait until I can start writing again for real.  I write exactly what’s on my mind – it’s hard flowing away from that.  It’s like going against the current.

But the thing is, shit….It’s too late to do this Mel.  Asking your silly questions.

The thing is, when I go on one of my little adventures – I’d much rather stay home.  I’m comfortable here.  I’m comfortable, but I’m stuck with the gnawing sensation of letting my life slip by.  I want to see and experience everything, but I yearn for home.  I go against the current when I travel.  The only real comfort I have while traveling, is being able to take my blog with me.  So I can tell my story.  Finding my story is HUGE to me.

I’ve been meaning to write about the importance of story for months now, but it remains stuck on the back-burner.  Suffice to say that it changes EVERYTHING – your entire perspective.  God I wish I had it in me to write about it now.  It’s life changing, it really is.

And so, what was I saying?  Going against the current isn’t always a bad thing.  Hell, if I was floating downstream, I would never have started a business.  But then again, if I was going with the current tonight, I would be asleep right now.

My answer?  There is a time and a place for everything.  When the time is right, it’ll happen.

 

 

 

 

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Oh Brother….


Man-with-Shotgun

 

My brother (not pictured above) and his girlfriend watched a bunch of zombie movies yesterday and come around midnight, when they were outside having a smoke, they hear something “suspicious” in the backyard.

Next thing I see is my brother grabbing his shotgun and flashlight.

Me – “What are you doing?”

Bro – “There’s something outside.”

Me – “There’s nothing outside.  You’re just scared from those horror movies you watched all day.”

Bro – “Me and Michelle both heard it.  And we seen a shadow move.”

He snuck out the back door and circled the house with his flashlight and shotgun.  I don’t know why he didn’t just turn the outside lights on to see.  If he didn’t turn them on for fear of scaring off the intruder before he got the chance to capture them, than that defeats the purpose of the flashlight, yes?

My Aunt laughs a little and spies on him from the window.

Aunt – “What’s he doing?”

Me –  “Being stoned.  He’s probably a little high, that’s all.”

I’m almost positive he was high and freaked out.  Not a good combination while holding a shotgun outside a home that contains everyone he loves (minus my niece).  In a completely safe town, with friendly neighbors, and the police station and firehouse two minutes away.  He was guarding our house with a SHOTGUN at midnight quaking in his boots from horror movies eked out on drug induced paranoia.  

I found this to be hilarious.  They’re doing it again, watching The Walking Dead in the next room.  I’m watching Once Upon a Time.

I had to upgrade my Netflix account so that 3 people can watch movies at the same time on different devices.  My brother, my niece, and me – all one big happy family watching Netflix not together.

I unpacked my bag from Ecuador yesterday (a month after returning home).  Work has slowed down a bit and I gave my employee’s more hours.  We’re up to 92 members and I was able to relax yesterday and today while my employee’s worked for me.

A steady stream of blog posts are ebbing closer and closer.  It’s only a matter of months now.  A few more months until I’ll never have to work again.

Shit, can you imagine?  My dreams can actually happen!

I don’t like massaging people.  I like massaging friends, sure, but not as a job.  I don’t like massaging strangers.  But I LOVE the business side of things.  I love managing and seeing things grow.  Nothing excites me as much as filling out my accounting chart and watching my therapists getting booked with repeat clients.

I was meant to be a business owner, not a massage therapist.  And oh the plans I have…..

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Religion is for people

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Perspective: Embarrassment vs Fortunate

This has been a very long year for me.  So long in fact, that I became overly aware of the changing seasons.  Each season leached on to me, sucking on my skin like a pair of wet leather pants.  Not being able to get them off.  Life didn’t feel like a downhill luge, but an uphill medieval crusade.  One that I battled alone with my dull, rusty wits.

Until that is, I was on my sled sliding down the days this past week.  It went by fast.  Lightening fast.  Why?  Hold your horses and I’ll tell you.

I bought a flat screen TV not too long ago and with it came the rediscovery of Skyrim V.  Skyrim is of course, a video game (role playing to be exact).  And all I want to do lately is play it.  I don’t care about blogging, reading, expanding myself, no.  Give me game Mellie wants game.

When I’m not reflecting, analyzing, contemplating, the days whiz by.

I’m in work waiting for my last client to get here.

Okay, last client done.  If I don’t write this post right here right now (while I’m still at work), I’ll never write it.  But I must make it quick quick like a bunny cause Mellie wants game.

Here’s the thing…

I’m going on 34 years old, I live at home in my parents dusty basement, and I play video games (all day mind you).

I know what you’re thinking….

But hear me out before you judge.

Instead of feeling embarrassed for the way I live my life, I feel fortunate.  This has always been the case with me.

“Yeah yeah Melanie, here we go again.  You and your proud statements.”

No wait!  That’s not fair.  I just thought of this whole thing while massaging my last client and it sounded really good in my head (good and true).  Let me explain.

The reason why I feel fortunate is because I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing.  My sails are up and I’m cruising down the Mississippi like Tom Sawyer.  Bills are paid, belly fed, heart whole, successful ventures and ad-ventures ahead.  Thar she blows.

The reason why I don’t feel embarrassed is because I believe with every ounce of my being that I can have, be, or do anything.  I can move out of my parents basement if I truly wanted.  I have the funds to do it.  Anyone can move out!

I can go on Match.com and find the love of my life (it’s my backup plan that I know will work) – if I wanted it badly enough.

I can have a baby.  Anyone can have a baby whether it be all natural or adoption.  I can do it.  I can have and do anything that everyone else in today’s society has or does.

This is why I don’t feel embarrassed.  I truly believe that I don’t lack anything.  If I felt embarrassed, it would be from judging myself based on what other people think of me.  If I believe what people thought of me, I would hide away avoiding everyone.  My face would be burning hot with resentment, embarrassment, and maybe even jealousy.

I would feel embarrassment if I had no faith in myself.  Lacking faith, compassion, and love for yourself deprives you of living wholeheartedly.  Feeling “less than” anyone would make you feel undeserving if anything good did come your way.  You’d be sure to sabotage it, and continue believing that you can’t have what others have.  You’re not smart enough, gifted enough, courageous enough…

In all honesty, I know it’s hard to swallow, but I never felt this way.

“You’re such a liar!  If you never felt it, than how do you know what it feels like?”

Years of analyzing, my friend.  Years upon years of empathizing.  I learned from others how to be strong and how to believe in myself.  Where they lacked, I saw courage in myself to believe that there ain’t no mountain high enough baby.

And okay, maybe I felt it for a fleeting wisp of a moment, but I saw no point in fixating on it.  Why would anyone want to hold onto limiting beliefs?  How does that feel good?  I’m addicted to feeling good.

“Sometimes it’s reality, and not perspective.  Sometimes that’s the truth of things, the way they are.  Don’t you teach acceptance Melanie?  Acceptance of things as they are?”

Well, call me an optimist, but I’m one of those people who believes that reality is based on perception and perspective.  Perception coming first, and then perspective comes from deciphering your perception.  If science can’t prove me wrong (if anything, they prove me right), then I will continue in my tirade of never getting embarrassed, never feeling resentment, and living in a world where anything is possible.  Call me crazy, but I choose it.

So, I choose to play my video game.  I don’t always obsess over games, but if this winter calls for a vacation in front of my new TV, so be it.

That’s all it is really – my way of vacationing outside my head for a while.  We’re all escaping something and no, I won’t deny it.

I asked a question a few weeks back about what I want most out of life.  All I could come up with was buying a motorcycle and going cross country.  I feel the same amount of excitement about going cross country on a motorcycle that I have for my video game (and blog).  After my trip, I’ll find something else to get me excited.  But for now, motorcycle trip is number one.

I don’t know why it’s number one, but I feel it in my bones.  I don’t just want to do it, I have to do it.  Like someone wanting a baby, or a specific job – it can’t be explained why you want it, but you do.

Freedom?  Adventure?  Self-reliance?  Seeing a beautiful landscape?  Making every drop of this life matter?  All of that is included in the bundle of why I want to do it.

Ayahuasca taught me that I will never fail while following my heart.  We progress rapidly in our evolutionary development whenever we follow our hearts.

“Okay shut-up with all that nonsense already.”

Jeez, I’m really hard on myself…

Anyway, all that aside, I’m not going to be posting as much as I used to.  Just for the time being at least (not forever).  With my new obsession of audiobooks, my video game, and the book I’m writing – my blog needs to be put on lay-a-way.

I’m home now.  My Mom is at the hospital getting a knee replacement, so I cooked myself grits with gravy tonight.  They are instant grits from a packet.  I loaded a bunch of gravy in it, stirred it around and made gravy grit soup.

It is truly repulsive to look at.  Oh man I ate it all already.  I should’ve taken a picture!

My aunt – “What’s that?”

Me – “Grits and gravy.”

She muffled her first response of saying “ew”.  I heard it in her voice.  And instead she said something like, “oh thats…good.”

It’s delicious.  I’ll take a pic of it tomorrow.

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How Spider Solitaire is Like Writing

spider solitaire four suit

If you look above the Wins vs. Losses pie chart, you’ll see that my current winning streak is up to 18 wins in a row.  And this is four suit spider solitaire!  Okay, here’s a little secret; I only start a game if I can make two moves.  Otherwise, I deal again.

Spider solitaire is like book writing in the way of uncovering a new card (idea) and adding it to the original storyline (stack).

You know when you’re dealt a good hand if all the cards you uncover stack nicely against the storyline.  You’d know if your book sucks when every card (idea) you uncover has no place in the pile.  You get stuck.

Part of the glory of writing is being able to create the cards in your pile, however, if the cards you create don’t fit, you may have to cheat and add something that doesn’t belong.  Like when a long running sitcom adds a new character to spice things up.  Where the hell did that guy come from?  And what’s with the Beach Boys making random appearances on Full House?

The thing is (this is important to know), when you add something that doesn’t fit, you essentially create out of nothing.  That may be great for all you zen monks out there, but not so good for us writers.  Writers are essentially building a box.  We’re not thinking outside the box, but building one.

If the government prints money from nothing to pay off debt to right their wrongs, the money losses value.  That goes the same for creating a plot and storyline – you must never create out of nothing otherwise your book will lose value and substance.  You have to pull from what’s already there.

We should revert back to the gold standard.

Does that make sense to you?

From my experience with spider solitaire, the best hands are the one’s where I stack all the cards I can from the first hand I’ve been dealt and it free’s up a space where I can move around my pieces.   I still have 50 cards (idea’s) left to pull from, and the chances of finding homes for them becomes much easier.

How does this relate?  Start stacking from the very beginning.  Making connections, freeing up options so any idea that may come up, has a home and more importantly, a purpose.

I finished up writing my fifth chapter last night.  I stayed up until 2 a.m, completely exhausted.  That’s the thing with writing, once I start, I know I have to say bye-bye to the rest of the day.  And bye-bye to the possibility of getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

That’s why I’m writing a blog blurb right now.  It has an ending.  It won’t take all day to write.

Being five chapters into writing my first novel, means I have at least 30 if not more ahead of me.  It reminds me of trekking the Camino on those first few tortuous days.  When Santiago seemed so far away, so out of reach – and it was.  It was freaking 500 miles away on foot!

I’m not sure what is more painful, writing a book or walking the Camino.  They both seem unfathomable.

And so I’m blogging, watching Sons of Anarchy, and buying the Sons of Anarchy soundtrack on Amazon.

How does this make sense?:

IMG_1576

I originally wanted to go hiking today and work on my book in Cheshire Coffee, but I need a rest.  I really do.  You guys don’t realize this, but I actually work a lot and I’m always working on some cockamamie project.  Writing a book is work, massaging people everyday is work, keeping a blog is, well, work.  This is my day off and I honestly don’t want to move.

This is one of the many reasons why I don’t want to date.  I’m selfish in the way of constantly needing to create and to think.  I need room.  I need that freed up space when playing spider solitaire.

That’s the best way I can describe it.

The guy I’m seeing, I’ll call him MB (which is strange because he has the same initials as my brother’s fiancé), I truly adore him.  But I can’t seem to pull myself aside from myself too long before I fold back into the fullness of my being.

It’s not that I’m not open or incapable of love, it’s just that my brain is exhausting – it truly is!  It demands so much attention.   And once I get everything out of me, I want nothing more than to eat a bowl of tomato soup and watch Netflix and play spider solitaire.

And on the days that I do go out, I drink like a fish, come home, and the next day I’m completely spent.  I don’t want to do anything, talk to anybody, see anyone.  I hole myself up in my room and watch tv.  And between you and me, MB likes beer as much as I do.  When I see him, I not only say bye-bye to the day, but to the next day as well.

As far as my solitaire hand goes, wow, what a deck.  I’m referring to my book.  Hole-lee-crap.  One of my friends asked if she can be written in and I tentatively said, “sure, okay.”

Then she made it more specific, she wanted to be a little girl.

“I know the perfect part for you!”

It seriously came out of nowhere and shot into my head in a fraction of a second.

That’s the thing with the cards you’re dealt – finding connections.  If you stack everything up and align them accordingly, you can make connections with anything.

And that’s the same for life!  All your experiences and knowledge is like a big data base in your brain.  The more you align yourself with them, ordering them in sequence, they connect to each other and any idea, thought or emotion that comes to you, you can connect it with what you already know.  I’m pretty sure this is where genius comes from.  Your ability to connect things to what would rather seem random or contradictory, is the tool we all use to create with.

Ayahuasca told me that 1+1 = 3, as in, 3D.  You create something entirely new and tangible.

One more episode of Sons of Anarchy and then I need to write chapter 6.  If I don’t write today, the day will feel empty.

I think too much :(

I need to stop blogging for a while guys…

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My Credit Card Number Was Stolen!

A few posts back I wrote about how I went online to sponsor a child from the Philippines.  That’s all well and good, but yesterday I got a call from the fraud department of my bank telling me someone in France and the Netherlands used my card to purchase plane tickets on Expedia.

This is just a heads up, but I think it may have been the website I used to sponsor the kid.  It’s a legitimate foundation, so it’s not them, but I’m guessing a hacker hacked into the sight and made a bogus payment page when people click on the sponsor button.

I’m 90% sure my number got stolen by them.

I’m just giving you guys a heads up.

Lol, I guess either way I’m still donating to charity, right?

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Stupid People

You always know when you’re talking to a stupid person because when you talk to them, it feels like you’re the only one listening.  It feels like you’re the only one in the room.  What I mean by stupid is, having no substance.

I don’t want to freak people out by writing this post.  Getting y’all paranoid with wondering whether or not you’re one of the stupid ones.  Here’s some reassurance for you; if you’re reading this post, you are definitely NOT stupid.

You have to know what I’m talking about though, right?  People that look straight through you?

Substance is love, love is awareness.  Hold that thought, I’ll get to that in a moment.

A dumb person of low intelligence can still have substance.  They may be dumb, but not stupid – you know what I mean?  A dumb person can have heart.  Like Forest Gump.

A stupid person having no substance is dumb squared.  They are an empty 3D optical illusion.  You think you’re talking to a real person, but nope.  Nobody’s home.

I want to pinpoint exactly why this is.  It’s important to know, because we all suffer from this to some degree.

Think shallow.  No depth.  But why?  Why are people so shallow?

In my analytical mind, it’s because they don’t know love.  They know ego love and need, but not real love.  They only know the love that addiction (attachment) provides.  They essentially love only their attachments.  The things that make them happy.

These addictions can be people, things, power, money, attention.  They prioritize these addictions giving added attention to those they need most.

When a person is only able to love themselves if they wear nice clothes or look pretty in the mirror, when they can only love themselves because they feel accomplished or better than the rest – all of this, is not real love.  There’s no depth, you get me?  It’s only addiction.  Only fear.  Inside they are hollow.

Like for instance, if a person dismisses you for your crooked teeth.  Let’s take a moment to look at that.

If a person dismisses you for your weight, birthmarks, sexual orientation, tattoo’s…etc, they are seeing things that don’t please them.  They see things they can’t love because their love comes from addiction, from ego.  They’re incapable of seeing outside themselves, and instead, see only things they want.  Things they need.  And if you don’t provide them with anything, you will be judged.  Judged for not fitting the mold that society bases your worth on – the same society they base their worth on.

You will be judged because you don’t measure up to the things that make them happy.  When society won’t accept you, they won’t accept you.

(When it comes to sexual attraction, well, that’s a whole ‘nother can of beans I won’t get into.)

It’s like a coin.  Two opposing sides.  It’s very hard to see what I’m saying if your perception is turned on the judgmental side.  It’s hard to know what I’m talking about if you haven’t experienced love yet.

As a result, a blank person happens.  Someone who chews gum with their mouth open.  Someone who spends their entire paycheck on stuff that makes them look and feel good.  Stuff that makes them feel accepted and “loved”.  Of course (I don’t want to get too into it), spending money on things that make you feel good is okay to do as long as you’re not basing your worth on the things you buy.

A blank person doesn’t know what real love is.  They only love the things that make them happy.  They don’t know compassion.

So when you talk to them, they’re not there.  They’re only waiting for that next rush of feeling, the next high – anything to stop the numbness, the emptiness.  The emptiness that comes with having no faith.  No heart.

“You’re nobody.  You’re not important enough to talk to.  What can I possibly gain by talking to you?  There’s nothing I want from you.”

According to karma, when you’re a blank to others because they’re not giving you what you need, you won’t get anything from anyone in return.

And these people are stupid!  They stop learning new things.  They stop being curious.  They are zombies living off validation from others.  And when they are cruel and dismissive, that’s just another tool they use for validation.

“Yes I can dismiss you because I’m better than you.”

This description is the worst possible degree of an egoic fear based perception.  At it’s worst, they can’t relate to anyone and when they can’t relate, they can’t understand, see, or experience.  And because we fear the unknown, our survival trumps compassion.

So what is this real love I’m referring to?

It happens when you put yourself aside and see the humanity and worth in others.  When you can recognize yourself in them.  It’s all about compassion.  Compassion is what ties us together.  Being in the present moment with someone can aid you into this discovery.

Having children let’s you experience this compassion.  It let’s you see what’s important verses what isn’t.  It’s a vision into seeing what’s real.

The love most of us are familiar with is the love built on need.  Back in the day this made sense.  It took at least two (if not more) people to survive, and their children were an investment to ensure their survival into old age.

We are slowly evolving away from this need.  We are embarking on a new era of independence.  Our mass consciousness that creates this world is forming a new one with unlimited opportunities and potential.   People are beginning to wake up.

People asleep don’t know they’re asleep.  They have no perception outside their own – which is completely true for everyone.

How can I prove this?

Relationships are an excellent way into discovering your degree of ego/fear.  If the person you’re with doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved, fear and attachment arises.  You judge your mate for not providing you what you need.  You are essentially living in only seeing yourself.

There are so many questions and points you can bring up to argue what I’m saying.

“He doesn’t show me affection, he’s cold towards me, I’m losing him.  How can you say what I’m feeling isn’t valid?”

Hold on, I’ll tell you!  There are answers!  What you’re feeling is totally valid, but allow me to tell you a secret, if I may be so bold.

You can’t understand what I’m saying if you’re living on the “fear” side of the coin.  The fear side only let’s you see yourself, not others.  The fear side is seeing out of the eyes of the black wolf – the wolf that doesn’t fight for equality, but for entitlement, resentment and greed.

The secret is hard to put into words because anything having to do with shifting perception is often visually experienced, not intellectualized.

The secret is that you must put yourself aside and see him.  I mean really see him.  When you do this, you are living in the present moment of awareness.  The reality around you becomes crisp and in focus when you put yourself aside to truly see others.  And in return, you will truly see yourself.  You stop connecting with him out of the ways you want to be loved, and instead, connect with him on ways he wants to be loved.

And in accordance with the laws of karma, in return you will be loved exactly how you want to be loved.

Take yourself out of the equation so you can see everything clearly.  What’s a good analogy for this?

When you’re responsible for the life of a baby, you intuitively take yourself out of the equation so you can clearly see the needs of your child.  And if you get really good at this, you can intuit what the baby needs.  And in return, your baby will love you and devote themselves to you.  That is of course, until the day comes when they’re older and you start judging them for not providing you with the love you want/deserve.

It’s cyclical, you see?

You still don’t see?

“But I’m dealing with a grown man, not a child!  Why should I sacrifice myself for a grown baby?”

This brings me back to the beginning.  People ARE stupid!  When you take yourself out of the equation, see the apparent ways of how your significant other wants to be loved and treated, you’ll see his ego needs and shallowness.  Instead of feeling hurt and blaming yourself, you empower yourself.

The question you have to ask yourself is, do you truly care about this person?  Or are you using him for your own attachment to filling a void?  When you start seeing him clearly for who he is, you can let go.  You place yourself on the opposing side of the coin.  The white wolf side of the coin has no attachments.

It’s so hard to do, so hard to explain and yes, it take practice, mindfulness, and focus.  It can take years to evolve and grow into awareness.

When you truly care for someone that goes beyond filling your void, you learn to accept him or her for who they are.  It’s like accepting family members who continuously torment you.  And no, don’t ever sacrifice yourself.  Just be aware of what’s really happening.  People ARE idiots.

When a baby grows up and starts screaming for attention, purposely going out of their way to torment you when they don’t get their way, what do you do?  You don’t reward their bad behavior by giving them whatever they want.  No, you discipline them and teach them right from wrong.

But this is the opposite of what we actually do.  We reward bad behavior because we get attached to people.  And because we only see ourselves and how we want to be treated, we give people whatever they ask for because that is how us grown “adults” want to be treated.  We are attached, and so wish the other person to be as well.

And yes, some parents reward bad behavior because they grown dependent on their kids.  Either that, or they take the easy way out.

“Well, he’ll always love me if I keep buying him stuff.”

And sometimes this works.  Entire marriages can be based on codependency.  In fact, most of them are!  It’s living in a dream, not reality.  The dream of attachment, survival, judgement and conditional love.  Love that you believe is real.  This type of love and attachment is blinding.

Suffering and pain cuts open a channel in your heart to force you into asking the question; Why?.

“Why” is God.  Curiosity is the cord connecting you to awareness.  Being in pain and getting it out, makes room inside to let truth and love in.  But it becomes a constant battle between the dark and light wolves.  That’s where people are today.  Battling their demons.

Battling attachments, letting go, having faith.  That’s where we are in present day society.

It’s all in the seeing, that’s why it’s so hard to explain.  You have to teach yourself how to see.  The trick is to step out of yourself and be in the present environment of the moment.  Feel it out.  Relate to people on their mode of understanding.  Once you step out of yourself, you can achieve this.  And once you achieve it, you can plainly see how stupid people really are.  But you also see their beauty and potential.  The stuff that really matters.

I know I sound mean and that I’m being the judgmental discriminating one, but it’s compassion that opens up the window into seeing.  If you’re not compassionate and don’t truly care for people, you will never see out of this window and continue to see only yourself.

The people of substance know all this to some degree.  That’s why when you’re with them, it’s as if they know exactly who you are – they see exactly who you are.  And if they see the best in you, you become attached to how they see you – what they believe about you.  And well, you know the rest.

I know it’s hard to wrap your head around all that, trust me, I know.

Okay, I think I’m done now.

I got all this from a few clients I massaged.

People are stupid…

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