I woke up last night at 3 A.M feeling like I had to throw up.
“Why do I have to throw up? I haven’t drank anything.”
Then a mini thunder storm erupted in my bowels.
“What did I eat?”
I wanted to get up, but couldn’t. Every muscle felt weak. All I could do was lay in bed and decide on whether I wanted to puke or to shit. Then I realized I’d have to do both sooner or later and I wondered which one will happen first. Which one I had the least control over. And that was shit.
I shit like I never shit before. Then I brushed my teeth because it was 3 A.M and I had morning mouth already – I threw up while I was brushing my teeth.
And so I brushed again.
But man I was sick. Dizzy, out of breath, brain malfunctioning, black spots.
I couldn’t stand for more than a minute without needing to sit down.
Why? From half a malaria pill that’s why! I went online and read the side-effects and one of them were seizures – seizures! I knew in my heart of hearts that what I was feeling (brain malfunctioning, light-headedness, black spots), are all symptoms leading up to a seizure. I just knew, you know? So yeah, no more malaria pills for this girl. I’ll take my chances with the bugs.
The exhaustion I felt yesterday was impenetrable. I couldn’t watch tv without feeling sick – I couldn’t listen to my audiobook. Have you ever felt that sick?
It’s now the next day. I missed my window to go to the Thai embassy in NY so I’m hoping they’ll still let me on the plane to Thailand.
My stomach is gurgling. I have a client coming in an hour and a half.
It’s a few days later. One day away from Thailand and omg…..
I underwent a series of events yesterday all leading up to a new understanding about life. It was incredible. It all started with my new employee when she spelled the word “does” wrong.
I cringed at the sight of it.
“There’s a reason why I didn’t hire her in the first place.”
The way my brain operates is, I try to see all sides of a situation before my judgements blind me from seeing truth. I won’t go into too much detail, but I was once again brought to the conclusion that whatever you believe about a person, you will find. You’ll keep finding truth to your judgements until that person’s own belief about themselves rises to meet your challenge.
If you dumb yourself down, holding back judgement, in a way, that person you’re holding judgment from will never evolve. Placating people is a means to enable them. And when you enable a person – nobody has any power. It’s a stalemate and an egoic feeding frenzy that circulates back and forth into a spiral. Placating is not diplomatic, it’s conforming – conceding. Nobody wins.
I usually close my eyes and say to myself, “all will be well.” I try not to judge and instead, close my eyes. If I didn’t close my eyes, nobody will ever like me. Trust me, they wouldn’t.
“You meant to say “does”, right?”
But what it comes down to is this; (when you’re not enabling stupid behavior and you’re being forthright in your assessments) if their power of belief about themselves overcasts your initial assessment of them, they become worthy of respect. And since we all judge people from our own perspectives and values, what we believe about someone may be completely opposite of what someone else see’s in them.
The thing I value most is intelligence. Lack of intelligence is the only thing that annoys me about people. Feeling annoyed is a subtle branch of anger and hatred. It’s placing blame to avoid having to deal with our own issues. If we accept people for who they are, this annoyance towards them disappears (it taken me 11 years to realize this). However, when their behavior affects you in a way where you can’t accept it, remaining passive with your eyes closed will not benefit anyone.
It is more compassionate and giving to express your anger rather than holding onto it. Expressing anger to someone who upset you is the more compassionate choice.
Since I judge people based on their intelligence, I have absolute power over anyone who annoys me for the sole reason that I don’t care what they think about me.
“Prove to me that you’re not an idiot. I don’t need to prove anything to you because if an idiot thinks I’m an idiot, it cancels itself out.”
Why do I feel the need to close my eyes during all this? Because it’s the easy thing to do. But the right thing to do is most often the hardest.
Expressing our values in a show of annoyance, blame, and judgement – exposes our truest selves. And the most pig-headed people have no awareness of their truest selves – even while exposing themselves to the wolves.
To find out what you value most, look to see what makes you angry and annoyed – it’s there where you’ll find it.
A dangerous value to have is believing that you’re always right. By having this value, anytime someone opposes you, you will get defensive and angry. You can end up running from the truth, and running from yourself. All mental illness stems from avoiding truth.
Believing that you are always right is a trait of a superficial survivalist who will suffer a mental melt down if their perspective is challenged. Why? Because if the world they constructed is wrong, nothing will ever make sense again. Their foundation is gone. The void of emptiness (the bad kind), swallows them whole. Admitting when you’re wrong without experiencing emotions of anger, annoyance, or embarrassment, is the trait of a truly strong person. A person with faith, not fear.
I also value humility. I know this for sure because I loathe narcissists – well, we are all narcissists but there’s a scale on how bad we can be. The more validation you need, the higher you are on the scale. The stronger our sociopathic traits (we are all sociopaths too), the further up you go.
Ayahuasca told me that we are all worthy of equal respect, but here in the physical realm where the ego is inescapable and spiritual evolution is our only goal – the spirit laws don’t apply here. Only in death do they apply.
It’s all part of the game.
Growth and belief. You grow and your perception widens – you’re able to understand more. Expressing our value’s to others is a way for us to evolve. You contribute nothing while placating and keeping your eyes shut.
This idea taken me to my own life. My own growth process.
Up until, oh I don’t know…..YESTERDAY, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t know what made me truly happy. Since I was a kid, I wanted and fantasized about every career under the sun. Then I found my business which brought me direction and goals – but are my present goals really what my heart wants?
Rational brain – “You’re only happy when others are happy.”
Yeah but it’s not lasting. It’s transient. Who am I in-between those laughs? Who am I when a friend carries with them a heavy heart?
Rational brain – “Everything is transient and meaningless. Leave the in-between part for growth and possibilities. Never cement yourself.
In the grand scope of things yes, life is transient and meaningless. I agree that’s it’s improbable and unwise to be happy all of the time. But It’s about having a foundation – one that is built upon seeing and experiencing my own potential….
A few hours later…..
DAmn I’m drunk.
I trained my new therapist, went to my brothers holiday party and then to a friends house and now I’m here at home drunk wanting to sleep.
I was onto something fierce before. A good ol’ fashioned head squashing. But now it’s 2 A.M and I want to watch Japanese anime like the freak-show that I am. I’m eating left over steak. Hunter X Hunter is the Japanese anime if you’re wondering. I’m HOOKED. I’m being completely honest here when I say this show is amazing. Why the hell do I like this shit so much? It’s not normal! I don’t just like it, I LOVE it!
My brother had a holiday party at his spa tonight. He had a party last year if you care to scroll back to read about it. Here’s a pick of me and my folks:
I love these people more than words can explain. I cradle their heads in my hands and kiss their cheeks every night wishing them a good-night before I head downstairs to my domicile. I break out in cold sweats whenever my mother walks on icy terrain. I cry silent tears when my father can’t write his own name with his shaking hand.
OMG I love my parents. So much so that it hurts, you know? It’s this side of me that’s both my weakness and my strength. The side that I hide from everybody, but eventually I’m sure it leaks out and once it does, it’s viewed only as weakness. Insurmountable love. A sentimentality that stagnates and circles around like a little eddie. Never to venture off into the blue unknown. That’s what love is. It’s the familiar, the net. It’s what enables you.
Both weakness and strength…
Oh man, yesterdays epiphany was awesome but it’s gone now. If I weren’t so busy earlier I could’ve captured the remnants of it. But I leave tomorrow for Thailand so there’s no time. I must post this unfinished thought.
So much left unsaid.
I went to visit my best friend in Minnesota for Thanksgiving last week. Here’s a video to capture the moments. Held safe here in my memory bank blog for all the world to see.
I’m so tired. I’m leaving tomorrow at 2 A.M. My computer screen is so bright. I gotta get some zzzz….
It’s now the next day. I’m beyond tired. I was so hungover this morning and slept for about 4 hours before having to go to work to give a massage and hand out Christmas cards to my employee’s. They each got $50 and the 3 girls working today all gave me big hugs and wished me well on my trip.
This trip feels destined. Like I was never not meant to go.
I need to nap big time, finish packing, take a shower before I leave and that’s it. Then it’ll mostly be video blogs for the next 36 days.
And so my hero’s journey continue’s….