Category Archives: Self help

Another 3 AM Bolg Post

Garg I’m so tired! And all that bullshit I wrote about in my last post is completely irrelevant now. I have flipped, not tipped (into success), but flipped onto my backside like a turtle. I need a rope.

Rational brain: “Okay calm down. What’s wrong this time?”

Taxes are what’s wrong. Taxes are killing me!

Rational brain: “Haven’t you anticipated this?”

No! I mean, yes. But mostly no! It’s because of my employee’s. Now that they’re working so much, my taxes tripled since August. Tripled!

Taxes have the potential of ending my business. What appeared to be a perfectly good business plan, shot to pieces by Uncle Sam’s buckshot.

Rational brain: “Than it was never a perfectly good business plan, was it?

Shut up shut up SHUT UP.

Okay, calm down and think Mel….Think.

All the online deals I sold at the beginning of this business are expiring this month. So we are swamped and trampled on by last-minute redeemers. I can’t sell any more online deals to quell this unprecedented tax increase because we would be so backed up – Groupon debt is what I call it. Groupon debt is when I sell a bunch of deals, use up all the money I acquired from those deals before they get redeemed, and I’m left with 300 or so patrons with thirsty bodies needing…kneeding. And not a dime left to pay my employee’s with.

Rational brain: “Go to sleep. You can’t do anything about it now. Listen to The Secret and go to sleep.”

The Secret isn’t getting me through this panic. I’m flummoxed. And I can’t promote my membership program because if I did, those clients wouldn’t be able to book until weeks from now.

Transitioning into phase two (stepping back and letting my employee’s take over) happened too soon. But I literally couldn’t go another day massaging 6 clients a day, 6 days a week – I just couldn’t. My thumb started hurting so bad that I had trouble brushing my teeth. I had to hold my brush all cock-eyed like an ape.

Rational Brain: “Can’t you just wait a few weeks until all these deals get redeemed and/or expire? Then sell a few more once these deals are done and send out an email blast promoting the membership? How many more members do you need to start breaking even?”

73. I need at least 73 more members in order for me to break-even. If I can get 20 more sign-ups, that will take care of my new tax problem, but yeah….I need 73 more overall.

The reason I’m awake is, will I reach 175 members before my well runs dry?

Please oh please oh please God.

Rational brain: “There is no God, remember? There is only you.”

Don’t you dare get me started on that debate. How can you even say that?

Rational brain: “Ayahuasca told you to have faith in yourself. You can’t have faith in God if you don’t even have faith in yourself.”

Cripes….

Rational brain: “It’s part of our spiritual evolution….”

Got it.

Rational brain: “Once we discover our own potential and capabilities – we’ll have belief, not faith, but belief in ourselves and….”

Oh my god CAN it already I got it!

Rational brain: “….we’ll see that God is us.”

So there IS no God then.

Rational brain: “Okay, let’s not discuss this tonight. Save it for your Ecuador post.”

Shit my Ecuador post….It’s so far in the past now.

It is October 9th, 2014 and I am struggling. I need to sell 73 more memberships, or make at least $125 a day. Today I made $44 and it was only in tip money. This is why I’m awake. I have shotty plans but no “savior” idea’s. And lord know’s I need a savior right now. If it’s only me throwing myself a rope, I’m afraid I’ll use it to hang myself with.

Rational brain: “Stop being so god-dammed dramatic. Just last week you were beaming from ear to ear and shouting that you were on top of the world, don’t you remember?”

I have 7 as my life path number in numerology. 7’s have extreme high’s and low’s. We are also the loner number, the rebels.

Rational brain: “Puh-lease.”

You’re not being very rational tonight, Rational Brain.

Rational brain: “Please go to sleep. Go to sleep and not publish this post? Please?”

Ah I got it!

Rational brain: “Got what?”

I’m having a low. Yes that’s it. That’s all. It should not be mistaken for clarity, when in fact I’m just going through a low. It’s transient and meaningless.

Rational brain: “Um, okay….So you can go to sleep now because you figured everything out then.”

Yeah.

It’s now the next day.

I woke up so tired. Zombie tired. I massaged two older men who adore me, then ran my errands as quickly as possible so I can go home and nap. I Dropped off and picked up sheets, I finally threw a mammoth bag of garbage that’s been sitting in my bedroom into a dumpster. Went to CVS to buy super glue and then walked next door to the packie so I could prepare myself for tomorrow night with 6 cans of Bud Light. Shit….Tomorrow night….

And no matter where I went today while being in zombie mode – I swear I felt I massaged everyone I came across. The woman standing in front of me at CVS – I massaged her – the woman coming out of the package store – yes I massaged her too. I don’t even need to touch a person to know what it would feel like. Everyone looked familiar today. Just like when I’m stoned, I feel like I know everyone.

Today we made $180, but we’re averaging $105. I’m supposed to be making $125 a day. $20 X 30 days is $600 which means I’ll be short $600 this month if this keeps up.

Shit, why am I telling you all this? It’s not like you care or anything. I’m in it alone. There is no God.

Rational brain: “Would you please stop with that nonsense! And what are you still doing up? It’s 12:24 AM and you never even taken your nap. Sleep damn you!”

When I got home earlier today I started playing The Last of Us. It’s a zombie game. Highly addicting. I know this sounds crazy but….

Rational brain: “When do you not sound crazy?”

The game is helping me conquer my fear. Fear in general. Some parts are insanely creepy, the graphics are phenomenal – you’re playing a man who’s guarding a little girl and at any minute a clicker can run out and with one bite CHOMP you’re dead, or she’s dead. It makes my heart race not to mention my sloppy knee-jerk gameplay reactions. But I’m overcoming it in a way that can be applied to real life.

It’s a lot like that nightmare I had a while back. Let me try to find it because it’s a really good post…hold on…here it is.

Once you’re completely aware of your surroundings and mastered your emotions, you are in full control. It’s all just a matrix anyway, no different from a video game. I experienced the matrix in that night terror, in my video game, and after ingesting ayahuasca of course. But in real life it’s a bit tricky since we’re completely immersed in the ego/fear driven physical reality. We let our emotions tell us what we see. None of it is real.

And since we’re all stuck in the matrix of emotion and thoughts (including other people’s emotions and thoughts), we can’t make choices. We remain unconscious.  You can’t choose what you can’t see.

It’s now October 17. Wow…..for real?

These past few weeks been murder. I was forced into working everyday because of the backload of unredeemed vouchers that were expiring. I’m so tired. My money situation is still in the red zone.

I went to an open house for a yoga studio tonight. There was a woman there doing angel card readings. After my friends had their complimentary readings done, it came my turn. I drew the Earth Angel card. The psychic gave me a huge smile and said, “I love when this happens.”

Me – “Yeah? It’s good then?”

Psychic – “I knew you were one of them before you picked this card.”

Me – “Oh yeah?”

Psychic – “You’re an Earth Angel. You come from a far away place and were brought here to teach us. You had wings before you came here. Are you sensitive?”

Me – “Umm…..sort of.”

Psychic – “Just remember that you’re not alone. There are more of you out there. All with special talents.”

My friend grumbled saying she wanted to draw a new card.

The psychic wrote down a book for me to read all about Earth Angels and how to harness my call to help people. It all starts with me having to protect myself from abuse. Apparently I’m a magnet for abusive, manipulative relationships because I shrug off and allow bad behavior. I’m forgiving and have no boundaries with people. I have to learn boundaries and how to put restraints on how much I give to others. When left unrestrained, they feed off me and take advantage.

Ayahuasca told me I was a martyr……

Before my reading, I listened in on the readings she gave to my friends. She talked about ego and fear and completely nailed them both. I won’t go into it, but once again I found myself in awe of how some people can understand ego and fear so completely, while others are stuck in the “matrix”. This psychic girl had my full-on attention.

Tonight after the open house, we all went to the Fire Place for drinks and well, I don’t know….it’s almost like I don’t need to smoke pot anymore in order for me to see through people. They gossiped about their friends, vied for each others attention. All the while I humbly sat there and had the spot-light on me whether I wanted it or not. It automatically zooms in on me.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired and alone. One guy is trying to date me but he’s everything I hate about people. Arrogant, narcissistic, apathetic and according to tonights gossip, he tried making me jealous by bringing his friend (who’s a girl), to a bonfire I attended. I couldn’t care less.  My heart went out to him because I couldn’t care less.

I hate this side of me. The side that remains emotionally unaffected – detached. I just plain don’t give a shit. It’s this side of me that people see the most – the unemotional side. The side that shrugs, gulps down her beer and grins stupidly. I don’t give a shit – but I love you!

And it’s not a way of protecting myself from getting hurt either – it’s the sincere kind of not giving a shit. It’s not a block (I can feel blocks when they occur), but more like an understanding. I understand too much of what’s happening and because I understand, I stop caring.

Anyway, I hate writing about me.  I’m sure that I’m the apathetic narcissist who thinks she know’s everything – that’s why I loath those qualities in others.  That’s why I can recognize them.  I mean, it’s all right here in my description of myself.  It’s all true.  And I’m the worst of them all because I’m so far removed from everyone that I don’t even care enough to play their games or get emotionally entangled and because my cool exterior can hurt a person – I love them all the more for their humanity.

The more removed I am, the more I love people.  I can’t explain it any better than that.

I’m really transfixed tonight.  I need to stop writing.

I wasn’t going to publish this post, but it’s been so long since I shared anything.  It has to go up.  Saved into my memory bank blog.

I just looked up what it means to be an Earth Angel.  It said I’m a light being who is meant to stop people from being fearful.

Holy shit dude.

A few weeks ago I was explaining to a friend of mine my definition of karma and how I learned it’s true meaning after drinking ayahuasca.

Karma is made from fear.  If you’re fearful about something, the thing you’re most afraid of happening, will happen.  If you do bad things and bad things happen to you, the reason why you do bad things in the first place is out of fear.  Fearful actions cause bad karma.  We are all here to rid ourselves of fear by means of the ego.  The ego is fear itself, only disguised under a different interpretation.  Lose the ego, you lose the fear and immediately you’re sent into enlightenment.

But because we’re all connected, we can only evolve together – just like ayahuasca said.  Whoever claims to be enlightened is full of shit.  Ayahuasca said enlightenment is not sustainable in the physical world.

“Don’t believe in false prophets” is just one of the many undeciphered quotes from the bible that nobody understands its true meaning to.  ALL prophets are false.  We are all the sons of god – and believe it or not, according to the bible, Jesus was trying to drill that into our thick skulls.

OH man I’m really transfixed.  I NEED to sleep.  And now it’s 3 AM dammit.

My friend loved my interpretation of karma so much so that she had me explain it all over again to her friend tonight.  And me being the narcissist that I am, I’m driven completely by this need to share my “wisdom”.  I get off on it.

I’m brewing a new breed of egocentricity.  The sparkly guru who drinks beer and shrugs everything off.

Okay, enough self-love for one night.  Bitch gotta get her winks.

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There is no snake

A snake slithered into my dream the other night. He was violent, vicious. Without hesitation, I tried grabbing him by its head.  “It’s the only way,” I thought to myself, “for it to stop biting.”

But the more I grabbed for him, the harder he bit me. I physically felt the sting of his fangs.

I knew that if I didn’t capture him right then and there, I’d have to live in fear.  Anticipating his next move.  Not only that, but I was already bitten.  If he was poisonous, then I had nothing to lose – the poison was already in me. To stop now meant that all those previous bites served no purpose. To run now, expelling the poison, healing myself, only to get bit later on, will cause the process to happen again and again.  Attack.  Pain.  Heal.  Attack.  Pain.  Heal.

Walking away was not the strong choice, but the cowardice choice.  Choosing fear means to live with it.

And so I decided to capture him.  No matter how much it hurt, I chose courage over fear.

And I did end up catching him in the end.  I grabbed him by his head and watched his jaw unhinge baring watery fangs that shot poison at me like water guns.

I’m not sure if poison actually shoots out of fangs, but in my dream it did.

He flailed in my grasp.  The poison in me was gone.  The snake could no longer harm me.

I woke up and looked my hand over to make sure it had no bites on it.  No bites, but it felt sore.  I had a lingering ghost pain that was all in my head.

Damn my dreams….. Ever so vivid.  Blood, puncture wounds, real pain.  My brain is so damn powerful.

What does it mean?

Sometimes you can’t choose your battles.  Nobody chooses what snakes bite them.

“So basically your dream is telling you to seize your fears by their head, correct?”

Yup.

“And by walking away is in fact, the weaker choice?”

Uh huh that’s right.

“Can’t you see that both choices are not actually choices at all?”

Please don’t over-think and complicate things. You know how seriously I take my dreams.

“Hear me out for a second, I think I’m on to something.”

What-ev buddy, it’s late and I need sleep.

“In both cases you’re letting fear govern your actions.  They’re not self-aware or realized choices – they are not awake choices.”

You’re not sounding like my normal snarky rational brain.  What’s with you tonight?

“It feels to me like it doesn’t matter.  Whether you walk away or you don’t, it doesn’t matter.  There will always be another snake, you know?  If you really want to grab fear by its head, you’ll have to grab fear itself, and not the thing you’re afraid of.  There is no snake.  There is no fear.”

I hate to do this to you, but I need sleep.  You’re not acting like your normal self.  We’ll talk more about it tomorrow.

“Right.”

Seriously though, you’re sounding crazy.

“Okay okay goodnight.”

****************************

It’s a couple days later and I’m laying in bed completely exhausted.  I want to hide away from the world.  Am I depressed or legitimately tired?  Tired.  Definitely tired.  And okay, maybe a little depressed.

I saw my tarot reader today, the Wise Woman.  She was at the Guilford Renaissance fair.  She told me that money will soon come and I’m better off than I think.

It’s just that…… I’M SO FREAKING TIRED!

I’m working a lot now so I won’t have to work anymore later, but I’m missing everything in the meantime.  I’m missing the here and now – my LIFE.  Those buckets I wrote about a few days ago – that’s all true.  Totally true.  Even when I’m here, or out in the world socializing, I’m not here exactly – you know?  It’s like I need more time.  Just a little more time for myself.

The tarot reader today told me that I needed a place to go to be alone.  But being alone won’t pay for my $4,000 in monthly bills.  Being alone won’t empty my buckets.  It’s not just about having time alone, it’s about finding contentment.

This is how everybody lives; First money, then love.  First fix your life to avoid worry, then find your passion, find your voice.  It can’t be found at the bottom of a worry bucket.

The Wise Woman also told me that I’m battling what’s important in life.  Love or money – the two cards intersected each other portraying a conflict of interest.

It’s only been three months since I decided to expand my business.  I’ve been open now for a little over a month.  But in those three months, I’ve done nothing but work, worry, and spend money.  I HATE spending money.  And where’s my blog in all this?  I need to write.  I don’t want to, I need to.  At least just a little. But I can’t (this post has taken me weeks to write).

There is only DO, not try, do.  And I’m choosing money over love.  Snakes everywhere.

Okay, I gotta go. Thanks for the chat.

“But what about our discussion about the snakes?  When I said there is no fear, there are no snakes?”

Oh yeah, about that…..

“Well?”

It’s a faith thing.  We fear because we worry and we worry because we lack faith.  Courageous people tackle their fears in order to rid them and in return, they gain confidence and faith in themselves.  It’s just that everybody either runs, or they forget everything.  They forget how amazing they are.  Plus, being that we’re all interconnected and can only evolve together, we’re stuck battling everyone else’s fears.  We’re entangled in everyone else’s shit until we wake the EFF up and make the connections.  Seeing the connections, how our fear meshes with other people’s, that’s when we wake up.

All of us have snakes because we all lack faith.  This is why we’re here, to learn faith.  It can’t be learned while running and forgetting.

“So you still believe then, that walking away is the cowards choice?”

Yes.  Absolutely.  Walking away, living in denial, any type of escape, to me, is cowardly.

“What about the power of letting go?  Ayahuasca made a huge stink about it, don’t you remember?  Or are you too stubborn and living in your own denial?”

Denial is not the same as letting go.  Finding ways to distract yourself is not the same as letting go.  Letting go can only happen with compassion, and most of the world is bereft of it.  If we felt compassionate towards the snake, if we understood him, we’ll have nothing to fear from him.  If he attacks, we’ll be able to understand his pain – his fear.  It’s the snakes fear, not our own, that causes us to run, to judge, to hate.

“So in a sense, we become the snake?”

Exactly!

“Alright, I have no more arguments. Only, how do you stop the pain from the attack?  Even if you are compassionate and understanding, how do you stop from bleeding?”

Once you’re compassionate enough, the sting won’t hurt.  The snake loses his power to harm you.  That is of course, speaking metaphorically about the snake.  As long as you’re living in fear, the sharper the snakes fangs are to bite you with.  The only snakes that attack are the ones attracted to your fear (karma).  You can’t let go of your fear without confronting it.  And while you’re confronting it, it WILL bite the hell out of you.

“When does it stop biting and hurting you?”

When you find its truth.  When you make the connections, see the entanglement.  And in most cases, it lies in our weaknesses.  The strong understand and confront truth while the weak lash their fangs and defend.

“Which one are you Melanie?  You’re running from a future of work, you fear failure, being a loser, an embarrassment.  Do you think somehow that fear can transform you into greed?  Into becoming a snake yourself?”

I can’t say.  Telling myself that it won’t, may just be denial.  Adhering to any belief, narrows my perception in a way where I can’t see my own truth and if I can’t see my own truth, I’ll be bereft of self-compassion, bereft of compassion for others.

“A simple yes or no would’ve sufficed.”

I wanted to end this post long ago, nothing is ever simple for me.

*******************************

It’s now about a week later.  I woke up today and checked my email to find yet another person asking me for a job.  I get a few a these emails a week, only this time it’s different.  This time, he’s a young guy.

Not only is he a young male, but also cute (I found him on Facebook).  Ironically his name just happens to be Adonis.

A young, attractive male therapist is a very hot commodity for any massage clinic.  I called him and left him a message on his voicemail.  I hope to hear back.

I have a long hefty list of To Do’s today and it’s already rolling into 4:30 and I still haven’t left the house.  My one day off, the only day I can get things done – the only day I have to rest and recoup is spent editing a blog post that pretty much nobody will understand while carrying these damn buckets of To Do lists and hoping Adonis will call and rescue me.

The notebook I use to write down blog idea’s is overflowing.  Nothing’s getting done, nothing’s getting written, nothing is escaping my brain to turn into pink permanent butterflies flittering on the inter-web never to be forgotten by me again.

I’m forgetting things, forgetting myself.  Well, I’m forgetting everything except for that looming $4,000 I have to pay every month.  Is hiring another employee really a good decision Mel?  You’re not a damn accountant.

 

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Another Adventure Into My Head

Ugh, I had another panic attack.

The build (the trace beginnings of the attack) happened when I was depositing money at the ATM – the second day in a row, over $200.

“This is fantastic!  This whole business venture just might work.”

I went home and stared at my accounting chart.  Last week I was negative $359, and this week I’m positive $143.  All my clients today, both new and existing, sounded interested in the membership program, and a new client rebooked for a couples massage next month.  My employee’s are happy and hard working, my goal of reaching 60 members is daunting, but not unfathomable.

My employee has her first full paying client tomorrow – a returning client who specifically requested her.  That puts $58 dollars in my pocket, but only $17 in hers.  My morals are ping-ponging back and forth with wondering how fair this is.

“That’s highway robbery!” Versus, “I paid her $520 these past two weeks for having no clients.  Putting $58 in my pocket doesn’t come close to closing that gap.”

“What if she gets four full priced clients a week?  She’s going to start closing that gap and you’re going to profit off her.”

Versus,

“But isn’t that the whole point of having employee’s?  This is what we agreed on.  She agreed to this.”

Basically what my panic was all about, was my fear of success.  Not just my fear of success, but vilifying my means of obtaining it.  Is it right?  Is it moral?  If it’s so easy, something must be wrong with it.

I can literally feel a physical blockage.  One that doesn’t believe, one that doubts its realism.  With 60 memberships, I can stop taking new clients and only massage members.  60 memberships and my business will be stable enough to run on its own.  60 memberships and I can open a new location….etc.

Not to mention all those full paying clients – the one’s that I don’t personally have to massage.

Snowball effect.  The hardest roll is the first one.  The first 60 members…The first return clients….

If I had 60 members, I would be positive $843 this week in pure unadulterated spending money.  But it’s not that easy, is it?  Nothing can be that easy, right?  If it’s so easy, why isn’t’ everyone doing it?

Another reason for my panic is due to imbibing tea, coffee, and my nicotine e cig.  It’s 2 AM and I can’t sleep.  My panic attack peaked around midnight, I drank a ton of water (I learned from experience that dehydration plays a huge role), and now I can’t stop going to the bathroom.

During my panic, I speculated that it might have something to do with having a PH imbalance.  If our bodies are more acidic than alkaline, would that activate an emotional or mental imbalance as well?

I immediately bought PH strips on Amazon so I can test my urine and bought a book about alkaline diets.

What are you doing Mel, you’re crazy….

Shhhh, shhhhh…..I’m fine.

Then I decided I wanted to be a naturopathic physician and so I Googled how I can become one.

Eight years….med degree…..internships…. expensive schooling….not enough time in life, there’s never enough time.

I went back to thinking about my business.  Wanting to put together an iMovie skit with me and my two employee’s acting to the theme of Charlie’s Angels.  Whipping out our massage bottles like guns, talking on the phone to “Charlie”, all three of us posing at the end in that iconic, memorable stance.

“It’ll be perfect for YouTube, my website, Pinterest, Yelp, FaceBook!  It’ll get us more likes and more notice!”

So many idea’s….stop idea’s….just…. stop…..

“I can do massage bombs!  Ask clients to like me on Facebook and once a month I’ll send a Massage Bomb to one lucky liker for half-off their next massage!”

Brilliant.  Brilliant.

I ran to the bathroom for the 15th time while trying not to disturb my brother and his girlfriend asleep on the fold out couch.  I envisioned what that conversation would be like.

My brother – “What’s wrong with you?  Why are you going to the bathroom so much?”

Me – “I had a panic attack so I drank a lot of water.”

Zugzwang.  The only viable move is no move.

Nothing seems viable.  Nothing seems real – all is too fantastic – too grandiose.  Too perfect.  Shall I not make a move?  Or should I go on ahead?  Continue down this unknown path?

There is indeed a fear of success.  It demonizes you, demoralizes you, shreds your conscience into oblivion.  The only thing that makes sense, the only way to earn it, to deserve it, is to work hard – extremely hard!  That’s the only way I can eliminate the fear.  That black void, the plague, the plaque that corrodes my selfless fibers.

Work hard until I resurface once again at the beginning.  It’ll just be one big cycle, a loop of never-ending hard work and struggle all because I don’t believe it can be that easy.  If it’s so easy, why isn’t everybody doing it?

 

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The Beauty Of One Bucket

My mind is truly gone.

It came back for a few hours but nope, now it is truly gone.

I had a dream years back.  I dreamt of a golden scale.  Buckets of water sat on both ends.  Then I saw one bucket being poured into the other and the scale dropped to one side with a clank.

From the vision alone, I wouldn’t have known what it meant.  But at that moment I was seeing it, I was also intuiting its meaning.

It symbolizes the amount of energy we are given each day.  Everyday we wake up and are gifted with a respectable amount of energy that can be poured into whatever buckets we are focused on.

“But can’t we make more energy as we go along?”

“No.  It’s a set amount.  You can’t make more than what you are given.”

I argued with my dream.  I was stubborn as I typically am when I don’t agree with something.

It doesn’t have to do so much with physical energy as it does with mental energy.  Our mental energy (our focus) is limited and set.  We can’t have more of it just as we can’t have more of time.  As time is measurable, so is the energy we are given to focus with.  Time and energy are interchangeable melodies set to the rhythm of wherever our focus lies upon.

According to the dream, we can only fill two buckets at a time.  However, as long as our energy is divided, we can never master or learn anything new.  We must have only one bucket filled at a time.  Just one, otherwise the scale will remain motionless and unchanged.

“You and your silly dreams.  Dreams are not REAL.”

Oh hey rational brain.  What’s up?

“Explain to me then, what about people having two or more children?  You can’t deny having to split your attention with kids.  I swear Melanie, I don’t even know why I bother with you.  You’re off in you own world living in a freakin…..”

Okay okay, let me cut you off right there.  I understand and yes you’re right.  Focus is definitely divided given the more kids you have and the more responsibilities you get.  I get it.

“So are you saying life is stagnant for these folks?  They can’t get good at anything?  Can’t focus on anything?”

Well for the majority of them, yeah.  But there’s always a choice.  People just don’t have the clarity to see it.  Ayahuasca told me that no matter how dire the circumstance, there is always a choice.

“This better be good or I’m going to disown you as your conscience.”

Okay…..how should I explain…..I’m figuring out the best language to describe the indescribable.

“Blah blah quit stalling.  Out with it.  What’s your solution wise ass?”

One bucket.  Only one bucket must be filled!

“Yes one bucket.  We already got that much.  Are you purposely trying to piss me off?”

No I mean, if we’re only allowed one bucket, why not make it your own bucket?

“I wish I had the hands to slap you with.”

The energy your given each day gets divided into buckets that you’re focusing your attention on, right?

“If you say so.  I still think you’re nuts.”

It’s your attention that’s being divided.  Your attention, but not intention.  There’s AT-tention and then there’s IN-tention.  Focusing AT something takes away, while focusing IN gives to you.

“What the hell are you blathering about?”

It’s not about focusing your attention on something, it’s about having full awareness of what your intentions are.  You can have a gazillion kids and can still get away with having only one bucket.

“You’re still being evasive and alluding the question.  How?  Explain to me how.”

Let’s say little Johnny scraped his knee and needs to get it patched up, while another kid screams at you wanting milk.  Your attention is being pulled from you, not given.  AT, not IN.

“I want to punch your face.  Just be clear for once!”

The answer is to switch your energy inward onto yourself.  This is done through intentions.  And with intention, comes self-compassion, respect for yourself, and respect for your kids as people, not hindrances.

“Not good enough.  Try again.”

Instead of focusing on bandaging your child’s knee, and pouring a glass of milk, the secret lies in why you’re doing it.  Not doing something just to get it over and done with, but why?  What’s your intention?

“Sum it up in one easily digestible sentiment please.”

It’s not about focusing on your kids needs, dividing your attention, getting it pulled from you, it’s about putting it all in one bucket.  The “I intend to be a good Mother” bucket.  It only takes one bucket and pulling from there, you’ll never run out.  It’s either you do or you don’t.  You either have or you don’t have. Finding your truest intentions is the answer to everything!

“For the love of god….”

Hey I saw that eye roll.

“Okay smart ass, what about juggling a full time career and kids?”

That’s unfortunately where the trouble lies.  You can’t split your intention bucket without compartmentalizing.  You’ll have to choose one at a time.  At one point, the two worlds will collide and you’ll have to make a choice.  Growth and expansion can only be found when you decide.  It’s just the same if you are a divorced parent that starts dating someone new and your child feels as if you are choosing your new beau over them – worlds collide.  It’s not about AT-tention, it’s about IN-tention.  Children have a knack for knowing these things.

“Do you feel better after writing gibberish?”

I sure do!

Anyway, I’m writing this post because my energy is splayed out in way too many buckets.  It’s energy spent on worrying.  Nobody intends to worry, so worry is AT-tention, not IN-tention.  And there’s several of them.

Working at Massage Envy or my one-man stink hole office, I had little to worry about.

All that has changed.

It’s like coming home from a hard day and being too tired to exercise.  It’s the same for writing.  I’m spent after a hard day of worrying.

I started a new RPG, Demon’s Souls.  It was only $11 for the digital download on Amazon and it came highly recommended.  The game is punishingly hard.  It’s a vessel for me to pour all my worry buckets into with pure intentions on beating it.

Can you see why video games are so important?  They’re a cheap non-toxic way to self-medicate.

My life always seemed meaningless without writing about it, but now I’m too exhausted to even care.  That’s how bad things are right now.

According to my calculations, I’m bleeding out about $300 a week.  I’m supposed to be making $700 a week, but I’m stuck at $400.  It feels like I’m bleeding money.  Not pissing because that would require me having it to spend, but bleeding.  Pissing is wallet money while bleeding is personal line of credit money.

My Groupons went on sale yesterday and I already sold 127 of them.  I set the cap at 300.  Living Social also contacted me to set up deals with them, but I’m holding off for a bit.

I’m only counting the online deal income as they get redeemed.  I make zero dollars when my employee’s massage them, so I can only count the money if I massage them myself.  But if my employee’s massage them, that’s a wash for that hour and I won’t be negative the $10 I pay them while having no clients.  My employee’s HAVE to massage the online deal clients.  I’m only bleeding $300 a week because of paying my workers for hours when they don’t have clients.

I know it’s confusing, but this is my perspective.  If my employee’s weren’t there, I’d be able to afford the business on my own but that completely defeats the purpose of starting it in the first place.  I’d be sitting there right now answering phones if not for her.  She has one 90-minute massage today, so I’m losing about $35 for paying her for 3.5 hours that are without clients.  Not to mention the $100 I need to make which technically means I’ll be negative $135.  But I have two clients later, so that will eat into some of that negative money.  Not all of it though….not enough of it.

My plan was to not work anymore, but I can’t afford to pay employee’s to sit there without clients, so I have to work.

One girl I hired only works Mondays and is laying in wait for when I can afford her more hours.  I can only afford her when she’s completely (or almost completely) booked up.  Another girl works mornings.  She’s there now answering phones.  It’s ringing like a bitch from the Groupons.

Anyway, it’s stuff you don’t want to read about.  I don’t have the capacity to make it sound interesting.  This is what’s occupying my mind.  Well, there’s that and I have a really good friend of mine that’s refusing to speak to me.

I can’t wrap my head around it.  I asked if we can resolve everything over the phone, or over a cup of coffee, and because I asked that, now she won’t speak to me at all.

We have a rocky friendship.  I try to fix things, to include her in things, talk to her, but she avoids me like the plague.  The only time she actually did call me (in two years) was because another friend told her to.

I have friends that I haven’t spoken to in months, years even, but I know I can pick up the phone anytime and they’ll be there.  There’s no grey area.  I never had a friend in the grey.  It’s either all or nothing.  Just like with those damn buckets.  If you intend to be someone’s friend, you be their friend.  You either have it or you don’t.  It’s not about me not getting attention, it’s about understanding what her IN-tentions are.  Because as of now, I’m drawing a blank.

With Krissy and Amy, they were full on friends.  They either had it or they didn’t.  And they kept on having it up until the very end.  Both of them couldn’t get enough of me.  What I gave them wasn’t enough, so they high-tailed it out of there.  But with this friend, I’m giving my true blue honest all.

There’s underlining anger and resentment that she refuses to talk to me about.  And the more I press, the more she cuts me out.  The more I’m treated like a monstrous plague, the more I press, the more I’m repelled, the more I inquire, the more I’m avoided, the more times I text and press and wonder what the hell is going on, the more aggravated she gets.

God I love you blog.  You have the power of putting everything into perspective I swear.  Life is so ridiculous that I can see the humor in almost anything.  No no strike that, I can see humor in every damn near thing.

For any type of nonsensical drama – the kind that makes you feel real shitty, is the same type of drama that can make you laugh your ass off as long as you change perspective about it.  Haha, it’s funny.  Right?

Man I love myself too damn much….Yes I’m completely at a loss devastated.  Yes it hurts incredibly!  But shit yo, I love myself because I can feel so much.  And because I can hurt so deeply, makes me laugh at my sorry state all the more.

This is my story – my life story online.  The person I am, creates my experiences.  And according to some recent musings, we only experience something if we have an emotional reaction to it.  Emotions are key to life and to learning.  If you shut down one emotion, the rest will be affected in the fragile ecosystem of your humanity.  Your humanly flawed spirit.

My story doesn’t matter.  My experiences don’t matter.  The only thing that matters is who I am and who I’m becoming.

I still want to be Gatsby.  To have the big house, throw extravagant parties.  Invite every lonely sap over for every holiday when nobody else will have them.  When they feel dark and in the void, they’ll always have a place in my home.  Of course I’ll have to section off a part of the house so I’ll never have to see them, but still…..they won’t be alone.

I won’t always see them.  They’ll have to fend for themselves if they come over everyday.  They can all hang out with each other while I’m off doing whatever it is that I do.  Video games, blogging, or sleeping most likely.

I’m equal parts social and anti-social.  Leaning more towards the anti now what with all my new buckets I’m carrying.

Leave me the eff alone people…..

I should end this post.  I have to leave soon to massage those two people.  I still need to shower.

My initial intention was to write a quick blurb about why I haven’t been writing and the flood gates well, sorta opened.  I hardly even touched on a whole lot.

2,274 words later.  Hours to write, minutes to read.

 

 

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The Guys I Dated

 

I dated a guy a while ago and wrote a trilogy about him.  It’s entitled “Why I don’t date.”  You can find the first post to it here.

I should come with a warning label for all who date me.

WARNING:  I read into and analyze everything.

Nothing slips by me.

I’m empathetic to a telepathic degree,

and I SEE THROUGH EVERYTHING.  

It’s illegal to remove or tamper with this tag.

The only time I get hurt is when other people’s insecurities seep out and affect me.

I’m going to go deep here, but if you think good and hard, you’ll understand all that I say.

It all comes down to insecurities.  Why do men use women?  Why do they sleep with them and toss them aside?  For one thing.  Validation.  And why do they need validation?  Because they’re insecure.  As long as a person remains insecure, they’re incapable of loving anyone – they can love a pet, or someone they feel comfortable around.  They can love a person they consider to be on or below their “level.”

If they’re attracted to someone who they discretely view as “above (doesn’t need)” them, they’ll cut them down.  Intentionally or unintentionally, it happens.  It happens because they feel threatened.  It’s an innate impulse that both men and women share.

When I was under ayahuasca (I know, blah blah shut up with that already), I seen all this so immaculately clear.  I also understood that as long as you love yourself unconditionally, you will never feel the need for validation.  And when that happens, only then can you love others unconditionally.

But none of us love ourselves unconditionally.  We always doubt.  We always need someone to tell us we’re okay.  We can only love ourselves when others love us first.

And when a person detaches themselves from us we say good riddens.  “I never liked you anyway.”

I’ve been in that bad place where I had no one to tell me that I’m okay.  I been there.  That’s how I know all this!  You can only know the things you’ve experienced.  But you can only wake from it once you’re aware of it – once you understand and actually see it.

The heart always leads you into understanding – don’t let go until you find it.

But then again, once you understand what’s happening, you realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  And in some cases, it’s in fact you who needs and wants validation from a person who needs and wants validation from you.

Us humans make love out to be just another ego game.  We don’t have the capacity understand it.

Sure we can love our kids, but when they start misbehaving, do we retract our love?  Sure we can love our spouse, but do we retract our love when they’re unresponsive?

Love IS understanding.  If people understood each other, there would be no disagreements.  There would be no hate.  My heart is always tugged in the direction of understanding.

But then again, ayahuasca told me to let go and to trust.  That I don’t need to understand.  But how can I grow and evolve if I’m unable to see my own mistakes?

I can’t let go, understand, or see something that I’m emotionally attached to.

But anyways, where was I?  Ah yes.  Insecurities.

I am hurt by other people’s insecurities.  The way they treat and view themselves, is in exact accordance with how they view and treat me.  If you’re unable to understand this, you’ll just have to trust me on it.  I’m a big deep thinker and did all the grunt work for you, but yeah, it’s true.

Trust me.

But the crazy thing is, once you do understand, you can see it in yourself.  How your actions towards others is in exact accordance with how much love and trust you give to yourself.

Everything is relative.  There is only one tree of life, all is dependent (which by the way amazes me and I’ll have to write about that separately).

I’m NOT saying this to make myself sound grand or anything, but I can see everything there is to know about a person.  And I mean everything.  I swear, it’s like I have X-ray goggles or something.  I’m not embellishing.  If anything, I’m watering it down.

I step back, take in the full view, and I empathize.  I empathize while remaining detached.  I believe it’s for this very reason, why people are attracted to me.  And because I remain detached, they look at me as a puzzle to be cracked.

They don’t trust themselves, so they don’t trust me – they don’t trust me because they can’t own me, just like they can’t own themselves.  There’s a certain degree of fear in all my relationships.  I bring out the demons in people.  I swear I see everything.

I wasn’t expecting to write all this.

Initially I wanted to write about the guys I dated.

The guy that triggered my “Why I don’t date” trilogy, he’s been trying to contact me for the past month or two.  My interest in him has plummeted down to zero which leaves me to wonder, am I unforgiving and/or judgmental?

I just don’t give a shit to be honest.  I’m too tired.

But he’s not what brought about this post.  What really brought it on is that Norm, a guy I dated once two years ago (you can read about him here), died yesterday.

221131_385456518204953_1503673425_o

I was a different person back then.  I was happier, but scattered.  Now I’m transfixed and miserable.  I dated him when I was scattered and happy.

I can’t believe he died.  It’s freaky because he said that life is short and we should spend every minute embracing it by doing exactly what we want to do in every moment.

He said it to get me to sleep with him.  But he was actually sincere in his words – it wasn’t just a line, he truly meant it.

One of the warnings on my label suggests that I’m empathetic – which means I can tell the fakes from the phonies.  Well, this guy meant it.  He meant it to the point where I felt what he was feeling and I agreed with him.

But he died of a heroin overdose.  He died doing exactly what he wanted to do, which leads me to wonder, at what point is the cut off?

Ethics, morals?  Do they play a part?

For me, it comes down to respect.  I respect myself and my body.  I respect it so much in fact, that I don’t want to do drugs or have promiscuous sex.  I can have either one.  They are a phone call away.  I’d rather eat cold shrimp and blog at 3:30 AM (which I’m doing now).

And in a weird way, because I respect myself and my body, I respect life.  My desires, or perspective rather, was different from his.  Not that his were wrong, only that they’re not mine.  Just a different path.  I respect his path and withhold all judgement.

You change your perspective, you change your life.  Stop being insecure, don’t stop wanting to find answers – you’re actually finding answers about yourself, not just answers to why someone hurt you.

Norm escaped all that.  He opted out.

I learned in life that the hardest thing to do is often the right thing to do.  It’s not about doing exactly what you want to do, but seeing the bigger picture and how everything ties in.  Empathize, understand, naturally detach only to reconnect with truth.

It all comes down to the bigger picture in the end.  It’s something none of us can see until a part of us dies.

 

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I’m officially the boss of someone

I had a panic attack last night all because the girl I hired didn’t text me back right away.

“Oh no she changed her mind!  Now I have to settle on one of those other girls I interviewed!”

I interviewed four people so far.  The only one I really liked, I hired on the spot.  I gave her a key and put her on the schedule starting April 18th.

I’m learning so much about myself during this whole process of hiring people.  I’m learning the importance of confidence and especially of self-worth.  The girl I hired acted like she belonged there.  That she’s not below me, or below being a confident MT.  I see her potential.

And as silly as it sounds, I hired her because she’s a new massage therapist.  I’ll get to mold her to my liking without her taking offense.  That can’t be done with seasoned vet’s.

Yesterday I interviewed a woman from India.

“Oh yay!”  I thought to myself.  “This woman must know her shit.  People from India take massage very seriously.”

I glanced at her application, and looked up at her.  “Oh man I really want you to massage me right now.”

“You do?  I can do that.”

Me – “Are you sure?  I don’t want to put you on the spot.”

Her – “No problem.  I’ll massage you.”

Well, she massaged me and it wasn’t what I had hoped.  She has experience, she’s Indian, professional, confident, but, eh.

Racial profiling is rarely accurate…

Also, she’s somebody that can’t be molded.  She’s somebody that believes there’s a clear definitive line between swedish and deep tissue.  There is no clear line, only sucky massage verses a great one.

Another girl I interviewed felt a bit impulsive and overbearing.  She told me I should charge more for pregnancy massage and that I should keep the massages to 50 minutes.

Another girl was incredibly sweet.  She’s been working at Massage Envy for 3 years and wants out.  She treated me like I was an actual boss and sincerely laughed at my stupid jokes.  But…..would I want to get a massage from her?  Would I come back to see her?  To request her?

She gave me the impression that no, I wouldn’t anticipate another massage from her.  But she’s so sweet and genuine!  Why Melanie must you be such a prick?

It’s business.  Nothing personal.

I’m looking for people with intelligence, confidence, and charisma – someone who wants to learn.  Someone I can teach without them taking offense.

And so, last night I panicked because the one girl I felt was perfect for the job, didn’t text me back right away.  My mind swirled out of control.

“It’s not real Mel.  None of what you’re feeling is real.”

The thing with panic attacks is that they’re just as much physical as they are mental.  Meaning, that becoming aware of my thoughts and getting a grip on them doesn’t always stop the physical side effects from happening.  Shortness of breath, speedy pulse, complete terror.  I swerved very close to experiencing the terror – I felt it before, and so I recognized what was happening to me.  And it IS physical.

“It’s an attack!  Calm the eff down girl.  Calm the eff down.”

It’s like sitting atop a spooked horse.  You, the rider, know what’s happening, but the bucking bronco between your legs won’t stop.

“First control your thoughts….but businesses fail.  MOST businesses fail!  I don’t know what I’m doing.  And I’m alone in this!”

“It’s not life or death.”

“But it’s my life!”

The physical side of anxiety can best be described as chronic pain.  People with chronic physical pain can’t get better because they can’t separate themselves from the pain.  It’s always there.  They can’t forget and let go, but cope.

Anxiety is no different.  You can’t separate yourself from the physical repercussions of it.  It’s a cycle that needs to run it’s course.

At the time of the attack, I was playing a video game called Borderlands which I attribute as being the trigger.  It wasn’t all because that girl didn’t text me back, but that I was playing a highly frustrating first person shooter game on a big screen TV.

It stressed out my adrenals, I was dehydrated, I haven’t been eating well because of stress – it was NOT a good time to be playing that game.  I’m throughly convinced now, after getting an attack, that video games cause ADD.

I’m home and working on a sign for my business that I can zip-tie to a poll on our one main road in town.  There aren’t many signs on polls where I’m from, so when I come across them, I notice and can’t help to read them.  One guy buys houses, another one is selling mattresses.  Really guy?  Mattresses?

My sign is going to overpower their little crappy signs.

$45 INTRO MASSAGE

GRAND OPENING APRIL 18TH.  

And since I’m an artsy dork with Prismacolor markers, I colored the crap out of it.

But anyway, interviewing people really got me thinking…

What makes a person confident?  Belief?  But what makes them believe?

I took this question and kneaded it over for about three hours while I was massaging.  And what I found it all comes down to is this:

Experience.

Not only experience, but the ability to do something scary – something you’re really not confident for, but you do it anyway.  It’s how people learn.  And in my personal experience with walking the Camino, it’s only when you push yourself, do you find your self-worth.

I’m slowly getting my mind back.  Slowly – very slowly.  This past week I blocked off most of my schedule because well, I needed it.

How easily we can get lost in our lives.  To lose perspective, to lose ourselves.  It’s too easy.  But for me, it’s a necessity that I don’t.  Because when I do, episodes like last night happen.

The thing is, no matter what I’m thinking about, no matter where my focus is, I go deep into it and stretch my sanity strands until they’re frayed and broken.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  I could be sitting on the toilet completely engrossed in my bathroom book (the lazy intellectual), reading about linguistics and the history of language – amazing.

Like for instance, did you know that seibzehnhundertsechsundseibzig is 1776 written out in German?  What’s it like writing out checks for those guys, you know?

It’s like massaging a person and palpating their tight muscles – it’s understanding them to the point where I communicate with them, I experience them as much as the client.

So if we learn through experience, and experience alone, what entails experience?  What is it exactly?

I kneaded this one over too.  While I massaged for those 3 long isolating hours.

When we perceive something, our eyes are the first to see it.  If what we are seeing doesn’t register, we have no gut reaction to it – no feeling towards it.  And so, our thoughts are used to decipher what we see when our feelings are absent.  Can thought be experience?

I found the answer to be no.

“Can you experience a thought?”  I thought to myself.  “Not if that thought doesn’t carry any emotion.  A thought can’t carry emotion like an idea can.”

In buddhism, yes.  Technically yes you can experience a thought.  As long as you’re an outside observer of that thought, you can say, “hey look guys!  I’m experiencing a thought right now.”  But that’s besides the point and will only confuse you.  I’m sure you’re already confused.

No, what I’m trying to say is that experience happens when you are emotionally moved by a thought.  Emotions help you to understand the thought.  Without emotions, we wouldn’t be able to comprehend anything and grow.

So, in conclusion, to feel something emotionally brings about experience.  Experience teaches you.  Experience brings you confidence.  As long as you’re aware of your emotions, you gain experience.

“But what about con men or sociopaths?  They have no emotions and yet they come off as being charming and experienced.  If you only learn through emotions, than how do you explain that?”

Rational brain, I missed our debates!

“Answer the question.”

Um, okay.  That’s a good one.  I was wondering that myself.

“You’re completely schizophrenic I hope you know.”

Con men and sociopaths have no empathy, but that doesn’t mean they’re incapable of feeling emotion.  If they were incapable of emotion, they wouldn’t get off on doing what they do.  They are emotionally selfish and have reached the highest level of narcissism.  Their emotions are self-fulfilling, completely turned inward.

“But aren’t all emotions inward?”

Not love or curiosity.  With those two things, you are connecting yourself with something outside yourself.  You can only know yourself by seeing the contrasts, and you can only see the contrasts if you experience the outside world.  This is where you find self-love, worth, and confidence.

“Sociopaths can be curious.  They can set people up and prod them to get a reaction.  Like all people are guinea pigs to them.”

“You are so freaking difficult.  Yes, okay, they can be curious.  I guess that’s partly where they get their experience from.”

Anyway, it’s late.  It’s 1:25am actually.  My sign board for my business sits uncompleted.  I won’t be able to sleep until it’s finished.

I have two more interviews to give tomorrow and then hopefully I’ll be done with that portion of the business building.

A part of me feels like it’s all pretend.  Like I’m interviewing these people, but not really.  I don’t have the money to employ them, I’m not a boss, I have no work for them.  It almost feels like I’m playing.  I’m playing a game called “let’s see what it feels like to start a business” game.

It would be horrible – absolutely horrible if this feeling actually holds merit.  A portion of it does, but the bigger part of it is yes, I can pay them, yes, I can get them tons of work and damn right I’m the boss.

Okay, I really need to finish my sign.

Tonight is the first in months where I was able to settle down and think.

There are three types of people in the world;  Those who can be moved, those who can’t be moved, and those who move.

Let your emotions move you, but not control you.  Let your thoughts guide you, but not fool you.  Let experience in, and become it to the world.

A wise tribal man once told me to “Be the experience.”  Since I’m on the topic of experience, I thought I’d throw that in.  I’m too tired to connect it to the post however, and I already wrote about his phrase thoroughly in the past, so I’ll just let it sit for now.

Okay, I gotta go.

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Trust is compassion and empathy broadens awareness.

I believe that narcissism is the root of all evil.  Yes, I’m blaming it all on narcissism.  One simple, yet complicated natural human inclination.  It all comes down to narcissism.  All of it.

Don’t believe me?  You want to debate?  I love debating once my thoughts are organized.  When they’re organized, you’ll see my reasoning is logical.  But I still love a good debate.  Bring it.

How should I begin this entry?  With shedding light on duality?  Or with writing about our survival instincts?  Or should I take a nap while listening to an audiobook on my massage table?

I’ve been looking forward to this nap since yesterday, so I’m going to choose the nap.  I’ll write more tonight when I get home.

I feel a whopper of a transfixed post alighting my fingertips.  I see patterns and inspiration everywhere, which indicates mental illness.  Sane people are boring.  I choose crazy.

************

It’s now the next day and nope, I didn’t write last night.  Some whopper of a post that turned out to be.  Pfff…..

I had a crazy dream last night and awoke to understanding a little more about this mind of Mel.  And I really am crazy, but not more so than others.

Shit is wack.  Wack I say!

I’m jaded and cynical to the point of foregoing any trust in others.  All I can see is my perspective and what I perceive as truth, the only truth.  The only thing that’s valid and makes sense.

Let’s pretend that Amy was telling me the truth (read last post).  That I really was hanging all over that truck driver and Zack.  From her perspective (according to her), she had to look out for me and worry about me, which is apparently grounds for termination.  I’m not worth the trouble or drama.

From my perspective, we were having fun that night.  So logically, according to my perspective, what she says makes no sense (to me).

Let’s not take into account that this is just one of the many fights we shared.  Let’s not factor in that she replicates every bullet point of the standard emotional abuse model.  And we were fine after this particular fight.  We even spent New Years together as though none of it happened.

Let’s forget all that, and try to see things from her perspective, that is, if I can allow myself to trust her.  To empathize with her.

I recently learned (last night) that trust is a big determining factor into understanding and empathizing with someone.  It’s not love, it’s trust.  Trusting their point of view as being valid.  And if their point is valid, than yours must be wrong – or so my theory goes.  Our ego’s protect our beliefs by avoiding empathy – especially when it’s shows us a wrong we made.  It’s an inherent survival skill (I’ll get into that later).

Anyway, I’m trying to focus on empathy here.  Finding a connection and understanding Amy’s perspective – this is the opposite of narcissism.  When people feel for others, it’s evils antagonist.  When we trust each other, it’s the antithesis of selfishness.

I met her at that little restaurant with nothing but the kindest intentions of wanting to mend things.  I told her how I have trouble expressing my emotions, and I should’ve told her that what she was doing felt like emotional abuse.  But instead of telling her how I felt, I let things deteriorate thinking that everything will be okay.  Always okay, like in my science fiction fantasy world.

Me – “I let Zack in my head.  He’s the one that pointed out the abuse and after he said that, it’s all that I saw.  Every indicator was there.”

Amy – “Zack’s homeless and schizophrenic now.”

I have to find out if this is true.

Me – “Oh no poor Zack!”

She said it with no remorse or kindness.  She said it in a laughable, snide way.

Zack is now on my list of people I need to reconnect with.  He basically confessed his love for me at that party we went to, and I blew him off.  He’s super cute, intelligent, caring, but all I saw was his age.  He’s around 26 or so, way below my cut-off time.  I blew him off which leads into more bad karma added to my plethora of shit luck.

Anyways, that’s off topic.

I’m trying defiantly hard to empathize with Amy, but I can’t see it.  All I can see are half-spoken truths.  What should it matter if I was talking to those men?  She was right there laughing beside me – not for a minute did she feel excluded or under-appreciated.

No matter how hard I try to blame myself, I can’t see anything I did wrong.  I can’t change myself for the better if I can’t see my faults.  My damn ego is too intact – too full of itself to ever understand.  It’s thick, full, and lush – as copious as my 700 blog posts.

The bigger the vocab, the bigger the ego.

So anyway, I tried.  I’m a bastard.

That dream I had last night showed me how much my perception narrows without empathy, understanding, and trust.  By me being cynical all the time, limits my ability to trust others, which in turn impedes my ability to have compassion.  It impedes my ability to understand.  And thus cycling back into my narrow rigid perspective.

Not being able to empathize with Amy, showcases my skills at distrust and seeing only my point of view.  Can you see how trust and empathy play off each other?

The dream illustrated to me that true awareness is the act of defying narrow perspectives.  To stop from being cynical all the time, and learn trust.

This is the first time I’m able to understand that trust is compassionate.  They’re star-crossed lovers amid a foray of self-inflicted obstacles.  One can not work without the other.

Why didn’t ayahuasca tell me?  Was it because I haven’t experienced trusting others perceptions above my own?  Because I couldn’t see past my ego?

You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?

“But what about Amy?  How can you trust her?  She’s crazy!”

This is the part where my dream from last night blows my mind.  From Amy’s perspective, she IS telling the truth.

People can only believe what they have previously experienced.  Their ego restricts them from seeing outside themselves (hence narrowing perspective).  They believe only in that which they can understand.  I know this for a fact because I see it happening with myself – shit is crazy!

I can only believe and see what I already understand.  I can only understand the things I’ve experienced.

Denial and confabulations – all the stuff that holds the ego intact, morphs history.  It’s a way for us to control ourselves, control the past, control the present.  Control what our children learn and read about.

Our true selves remain hidden, a mystery.  Something to be forgotten and buried.  Never to be faced and understood, but avoided and sometimes labeled as a transient evil (depending on severity) – and this “evil” will find a face to blame because we can never blame ourselves.

(I’m about to ramble and transfix for a while, just hang in there with me.)

We fear what is hidden (that’s why we place blame).  Whatever is hidden inside us will be projected onto others.  Your own fear, the stuff that remains hidden, karma is a bitch when you project it on others.  A real bitch.  And you will project it.

Why does this happen?

It’s a universal law.  Our only mission on this planet is to evolve spiritually.  It doesn’t matter how we do it, just that it happens.  And every piece of the puzzle fits.  Every person, every situation, all that exists and did exist, fits into an unforeseen celestial plan.  Gods will, if you…..will.

I was only able to see how everything fits while I was under ayahuasca, but the memory of it is still there.  Human beings wouldn’t exist if even the smallest element was missing, smallest degree away from the sun, smallest evolutionary leap – the smallest anything, we would not be here.  The miracle of us being here proves to me that everything happens for a reason.  Why should our personal lives be any different?

Read Bill Bryson’s A Brief History of Nearly Everything, and you’ll understand what I mean.

Nothing we do matters, only growth matters.  All that happens in-between birth and death is fodder.

While karma is at work, there is no clean thought.  No clear thought, no recollection of any details that prove our maliciousness, our envy, our indifference – we see none of that.  I know this because it happened to me.  I don’t remember half the shit people tell me I did.

We can only see what we understand, the things that we choose to believe.  Which brings me to duality.

I was all fired up yesterday with wanting to write about duality.  I saw a faint glimmer of its importance in juxtaposition to ego.

Narcissism is the product of ego, and no, it’s not evil.  I shouldn’t have said it was evil – but it’s what we consider evil to be.  In all actuality, it’s necessary.

Why is narcissism evil?

Anything that lacks empathy or compassion is seen as evil.  Anything that derives pleasure from people’s pain, is evil.  If you’re the one causing the pain, that gives you power.  Power ensures the ego’s survival.  Ego is a tool we use to survive in this world.  It’s laced with fear, doing anything it takes to breathe one last breath.

Narcissism is the heart of ego.  Entire communities, high-profile families, countries, races, religions – all can embody a narcissistic mob mentality world view.  Not to mention corporations, political figures, anyone who claims themselves as “saintly”.  Anyone who claims to be anything, has ego.

Especially if they claim to be good and “saintly.”

BULL

SHIT

Despite what I say, ego is just as divine as compassion.  We wouldn’t be able to know compassion without it.  It’s that which defines.  Ego is identity.

So, yeah.  Duality is cool…..

But…..this is where people trip up….

We don’t know ourselves – we are unable to see who we are and what we do.  The ego shrouds our eyes.  If we don’t see the duality, if we haven’t experienced both perceptions, we can only see and know ego (our baser instincts).

If we’re unable to see our own cruelty, we will never grow, never evolve, never learn what compassion is.

So basically the whole premiss of this post is to tell you that empathy is a way of broadening our awareness and that we can only empathize if we learn to trust each other.

We can only understand as far as our experience allows – this doesn’t mean that others perspectives aren’t valid.  It’s just that we can’t see it.  We haven’t experienced what they experienced.

I failed to empathize with Amy.  I’m not there yet.  I’m not enlightened enough to have all understanding and compassion flow through me.  I can still get hurt, and as long as I still hurt, I’m attached to my ego, to identity, to fear, shallowness, and living in my science fiction fantasy world where everything is honky dory.

All done out of self-preservation.  For survival.  So I can breathe and live to write another day.

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Checkpoint

I wish life was like a computer.

If life were like a computer, you can save everything.  You can make a checkpoint during the good times so if things get shitty, you can always go back.  All you need to do is reboot the system and go back in time to your previous checkpoint.  All the accumulated garbage, mistakes, viruses that corrupted your files – everything would be wiped clean away.

K – “If you’re not open with your feelings, we can’t be friends.”

I hear that phrase a lot.  It’s always worded with; “if you can’t be (fill in the blank), than we can’t be friends.”

Me – “Why can’t everything just be okay?  Always okay?”

S – “What do you, live in a science fiction fantasy or something?”

I love science fiction.  Why’d she have to use science fiction.

Why do people give ultimatums?  I’ve never given an ultimatum to anyone, not ever.  Is this how the real world works?  Am I really living in a fantasy world?  Am I really just too damn accepting to the point of being delusional?

“I’m sorry Mom, but if you can’t be open with your feelings, you can’t be my mother anymore.”

“I’m sorry bro, but if you can’t stop being so negative, we can’t be siblings anymore.”

People don’t see the bigger picture.  All they can do is fixate on their hurt and try to control or change others.  And I’m left feeling like something’s wrong with me.  It’s always me.

Giving an ultimatum to someone is done solely for the purpose of avoiding hurt.   In this case, I hurt her by not expressing my feelings – I’m seen as cold, aloof, and uncaring.

People hate me as much as they love me.  I constantly need to keep things in balance.  Too much love will equate to too much hate in the future.  Too much hate will equate to avoidance and lowering my worth so I can no longer hurt them.  And this virus spreads to others.

While in balance, ultimatums spring up.  Either they spring up, or I’m once again living in my science fiction fantasy world of everything being honky dory.  I think everything is fine, while others harbor ill will against me.  My naivety (being oblivious) frustrates the hell out of people.

These past five days were hard.  That funeral I went to, that was hard on everyone.

I just wish I can reboot.  I want to stop messing things up with everyone.  I want to stop being so selfish and hurt all the time by others.  When I fixate on my pain, I can’t see anyone else’s.  I can’t see that these people are somehow being hurt by me.  By the things I do, things I say, or don’t say.

Having an ultimatum sprung on me, informs me that I’ve hurt someone.   Although I don’t agree with ultimatums, I do agree that they are formed from a real place.  A hurt place. I only have to listen and trust that the person is telling the truth, even though my perception (ego vision) makes it incredibly hard to do so.

I’m so jaded and cynical to the point where I don’t trust anyone to be honest.  “Me?  Hurt somebody?  You don’t care enough about me to be hurt by me.  What’s really going on here.  Why do you hate me?”

I didn’t actually say this, it’s just a far-flung example.

I can cry everyday if I allow myself that privilege.  I can feel sorry for myself for being alone in a cruel world that doesn’t’ know compassion, empathy, or honesty.  I can cry a river to float on though life.  Meandering down a narrow crevasse, digging itself deeper, chiseling the channels to a narrower perspective.

Friends and family are the most important privileges in my life – not crying a river.  They bring me lasting joy and happiness.  Happiness is only real when shared (the last words of a lonesome, dying boy).

So I’m taking the initiative to reboot.  I’m committing myself to rebooting.  I’m rewiring all the wrongs I’ve committed and making things right – so I can get my happy back.  Life’s too short to run away from something that can potentially save you from yourself.

There was a guy in high school that I dated.  Doug Coates.  Yes I’m posting his name.

I completely annihilated his heart.  I ripped it to shreds.  Just by avoiding him.  There was no honesty, no explanation, I was simply gone one day.  We didn’t go to the same school, didn’t have the same friends.  There was no Facebook, Myspace, or cell phones back in the day – there was none of that.

I’m posting his name because I want to find this guy.  He moved to RI before graduating high school.  Is that why I avoided him?  Because he was leaving?  I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m detangling all my bad karma.  I want to make amends, to make things right.  I stayed up until 2 in the morning last night trying to find this guy.  Nada.

I experienced yet another small shadow of infinite clarity yesterday while massaging a small Indian woman.  It was the faintest whisper of them yet, but it added more understanding among my growing arsenal of awareness.  I won’t get into what I gleaned, it’s all bullshit unless you’ve experienced it for yourself, but the message was certainly there.

When you confront your demons by staring directly into the mouth of deceit, vengeance, malice, you’re staring into the void of other peoples demons as well.  You can see them as plainly as you can see your own.  By staring at it, blinking benevolently with curiosity (just like with those ayahuasca eyes), you can see truth.  Your own truth.  You can only understand as much as you have previously experienced.

So many levels…

There’s no such thing as a perfect person.  But there is such a thing as compassion, which leads to understanding.  And although nobody’s perfect, you can at least understand what makes them, them.

**********

It’s now a few days later.  I’ve been busy setting up my new business and crap.

My brother owns a nice spa in Cheshire three minutes down the street from where I’m setting up shop.

My brother – “I’m selling elegance and style, and you’re selling cheap massages.  It’s like we’re both selling lemons side-by-side, only you’re selling yours for a lot less.”

He starts talking with a Mexican accent, “hey mayn, come buy my lemoons.  They the same value as those other lemoons over there, but here theer a lot cheeeper.”

I can’t really imitate a Mexican accent.  Not even in my blog.

Basically, he’s getting scared.  Scared that I’ll be a success.  Which makes me even more sure that my idea will work!

Me – “I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you.  It’s my livelihood, it’s all that I know.  This is the next big step for me.”

My brother – “But why couldn’t you do it someplace else?”

Me – “Because it’s right down the street.  It’s not fair to make me drive all the way to the next town.  I’m doing it because it’s close.  It won’t effect your business.”

I’m in work.  Today sucks.  My first client arrived at 10AM and my last client arrives at 7:30PM.  In between that, I have to give 6 massages, 3 of which are 90 minutes.

Hopefully this will be my last busy day.  This whole week is booked, but today is ludicrous.  I can’t do it anymore.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  And with my intelligence (or lack thereof), I won’t have to do it much longer.

My last client enjoyed his massage so much that he wrapped his hand around my waist while I was administering an arm stretch.

Me – “It’s way to early in the morning for this shit.”  I thought to myself.

Him – “Does it have to end?”

Me – “Ha, yeah.”

Him – “I could lay here all day.”

He was a 90 minute Groupon client and left without tipping me.  I did all that for 25 bucks.  25 bucks that I already spent months ago.  So free basically, I did it for free.

My next client will be here any minute.  I’m fresh out of things to write about, even though this past week has been nuts.  In my pursuit to make things right with everyone, I met up with Amy – the emotionally abusive friend.

We met at a restaurant/bar that she goes to every Monday night.  Alone.

Me – “It’s not your fault for abusing me.  You didn’t know what you were doing.  You couldn’t see it.”

Amy – “You’re sensitive.  That’s how I joke around with everyone.  You’re just too sensitive.”

Me – “You ended the friendship.”

Amy – “That’s because you were all over that guy at the bar and I felt like I had to look out for you, and then you were all over Zack at that party and got angry I left without you.”

I’m not an argumentative person.  All I know is that guy at the bar she’s referring to was a middle-aged truck driver that I had absolutely no interest in, and Zack was the cook at Billy O’s who developed a crush on me – I did not, DID NOT flirt or lead these guys on in any way.  And even if I did, so what?  We were all having fun until she started yelling at me.

I couldn’t argue, didn’t want to argue.  I couldn’t’ understand her argument, so I had nothing to counter with.  None of it made any sense.  So I just sat there and listened.

I didn’t trust that she was telling me the whole truth.  When you don’t have trust, when nothing adds-up, there’s no comprehension.

It’s all about control, that’s all it is.  People have this uncontrollable urge to control me.  And when they can’t, they get pissed.  I never asked to be taken care of, or for anyone to worry about me.  They use that as an excuse to get rid of me.  That’s all they have against me.  That and I’m lackadaisical and free-spirited.  I don’t share emotions, or that I’m negative, irresponsible…etc.

One person tells me I don’t care enough, while the other says I care too much.

No matter what I do, I will always be wrong.  No matter what I say, it’s always the wrong thing.

I have a bunch of long standing friends that love and accept me, and it’s these same people who don’t try to control me.  They don’t give me ultimatums or tell me something’s wrong with me – only when they want to control me, does this happen.

They want to control me because who I am hurts them.  Just by me being me, somehow hurts them.  Even my shitty hugs hurt them (I’ve been told twice that I give shitty hugs).

Anyway, I hate writing about all this garbage.  It’s my narcism talking.

Honesty is everything.  Not love, not empathy – honesty.  With honesty comes understanding.  We can only let go once we understand truth.

Life would be so much simpler if I wasn’t so damn social and up in everyones face.

Next person on my list is Henry.  I still need to call that guy.  Once I call Henry, I’ll set my checkpoint.  He most likely wants nothing to do with me, but I can understand that.

Let my bad karma rain down on me, hurt me, abuse me, I probably deserve it.  If I fight it, it won’t run its course.  This is my life now.  I accept it.

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Pobody’s Nerfect

My friends Mom died a few days ago, another friend of mine almost died from an infected appendix.  My brothers employee’s Mother died.  There is death all around and people go about their day being cruel, uncaring, vengeful, dismissive, and unforgiving.

One of my friends is unforgiving.  Not towards me, we never had a falling out, but towards his friends.  His good friends that love him.

Me – “Have you talked to Smitty lately?”

Him – “Nah I’m sorta not speaking to him anymore.  I haven’t spoken to him since November.”

Me – “Oh geez, that guy loves you.  What happened?”

Him – “All he does is drink.  I’m sick of it.  We went to a concert in November and all he did was drink and smoke.”

Me – “How’s his cancer doing?”

Him – “I don’t know.”

Me – “You know, people always say that time heals everything, but they don’t take into account that sometimes there IS no time.”

Him – “Yeah, it sucks.  He’s his own worst enemy.  He does it to himself.”

Me – “He’s probably depressed as hell.”

I met Smitty once and yes, he’s annoying and drunk as hell.  He has an unhealthy protruding belly, picks apples for a living, and has no one left in his life that really loves him.  I hate seeing this happen because I know what it feels like to be him.  I know exactly what it feels like.  And that one time I met him, he had nothing but the best things to say about Brad.

Smitty – “This guy is great.  He’s the only guy that’s there for me, you know?  He’s a great guy.  I love him.”

Brad also stopped talking to his best friend because he’s sick of him and says he’s an asshole.  He avoids all his other friends who are affiliated with his ex-best friend.

I can’t understand it.  I was like this in high school, but not now.  Not after knowing how it feels.

To me, nothing is more painful to go through – nothing.  If I had loved one’s all around me, caring about me, believing in me – I can take on cancer.  Cancer is less scary and less painful than indifference.

Nobody wants to die, but what’s worse than death is dying alone.

I cry for myself and everyone else that’s hurting.  No matter what I do, I can’t stop it.  I can’t change anything.  All I can do is write about it.

And the apathetic people are hurting too.  They have low self-worth and constantly need reassurance.  If they don’t get reinsurance, they dismiss you and lower your worth.  And turn away from the pain they caused.  And if they consider someone to be “beneath” them, that person won’t mean anything to them because they can’t take anything from them.  Getting validation from someone beneath you is like coming to America with 100 pesos in your pocket – it’s worthless.

All anyone wants to do is take from others.  It’s like money.  Finding someone who’s money is more valuable than your own, is key to the ego’s survival.

Smitty’s money isn’t worth anything.

It’s a cycle of pain – everywhere I see it!  Gossip, maliciousness, avoidance, denial, reassurance to make sure you’re a good person through it all.

I broke the wall into compassion, and once you see it, you can’t turn away.  It makes me want to cry.  It’s like rubber-necking to see a macabre accident.  You can’t turn away.

If you have any idea what I’m talking about, than congratulations.  You’re part of the team that broke through.  It doesn’t mean you can’t turn back though.  It doesn’t mean you’re not immune to the shared ego illusion.  You’re still human.  You can still fall back into gossip, maliciousness, self-denial, and cruelty.

Until you snap out of it, like stepping out from a dream and you wonder, “what the hell am I doing?”

We were all babies at one time, we all have parents that will either die or leave us – which is more painful?  A loving parent who dies?  Or having a parent who is apathetic and dismissive?

The loss of loving parent is less painful than having a parent who doesn’t love you.

We all know loss, or will know loss sooner or later.  If you don’t know love, you’ll never know loss (or vice-versa).  Your life will be lived on the surface – all selfish, quick gains, meaningless.  Apathy is a way of protecting yourself from the pain.  Pain that is necessary into understanding God, understanding compassion.

I see all of this, but I can’t do a damn thing about it.  People taking their pain out on others…And for what?

Brad can easily turn on me.  Apparently it wouldn’t matter if I was dying.  He would turn on me if he knew I talked to his ex-bestie (which I do).

Instead of feeling the pain of “betrayal”, he’ll dismiss me because he’s “above” feeling hurt.  He’s too good for it.

But even if he did sink his claws in and berate me for betraying him, that’s no better.  The only true way to be “above” everything, is to not turn away from it.  The strong, right thing to do would be to confront it with an open heart and never assuming anything.

Hypothetical conversation:

Me – “Yeah I talk to him, we hang out sometimes.  He’s really not that bad.”

And all Brad will hear is:  “You’re wrong, he’s right.  What you’re doing is wrong.  I’m placing more worth on him than I am to you.  I’m purposely dismissing and hurting you because I like him more.”

It always comes down to self-worth.  Self-worth = self-love.

If you have no self-love, you’ll seek it out from others in the form of validation.  When that validation is threatened, your ego stops the chain of empathy, of understanding, and instead it assumes.

Assumptions are the byproduct of your monkey brain.  It’s completely unaware of itself.  They are there for your protection.  An unaware defense mechanism that braces you for the worst.

Brad gives little worth to his friend.  It’s easy for him to do this.  And by him knowing how easy it is, he’ll fear that others will do the same to him.

I know it’s hard to understand, but this is how karma works.  Whatever you’re capable of doing to others, you’ll fear others will do it to you.  Because it’s easy.  And mark my words, your fears WILL come true.  And keep coming true over and over again until you forgive yourself and awake from the dream.

But you always have the choice of denial, and to live superficially – there is always a choice.  You can choose who you’re apathetic towards.

I know all this because I lived through it – I experienced everything Brad experienced, experienced all that Smitty’s experiencing.  I too have been dismissive and have easily dropped people from my life – people who cared about me and were hurt by me.

But I didn’t see their hurt, I only saw myself.  I only saw myself and looked at them as being annoying – throwing money at me that’s not worth a damn.

I didn’t care.

I know all this because I was an apathetic asshole.  I also remember stepping out of it like it was a dream and I was beginning to awake from it.  Only, I didn’t know it at the time, what I was waking up from.

When I first met Brad, I thought his dismissiveness towards others was a strength.

Brad – “If someone wrongs me, I just stop talking to them altogether.  It’s no big deal for me.”  He shrugs his shoulders and made a flippant hand gesture.

What I saw as his strength, I now see as his weakness.  His weakness of not letting love in.  If you don’t know love, you’ll never be hurt.

One of my friends wants to do ayahuasca with me again.  She gave me a list of retreats and is now asking me to pick one.

Ayahuasca is NOT fun.  It’s transformative, informative, connects you with spirit and light.  It’s just getting there that’s not fun.  The purging, the fear, the eyes that gaze at you.  Seriously, what’s with the eyes?

I just got the chills.

I saw one eyeball when I did ayahuasca.  I saw it with my eyes closed.  It matched the color of the dark black screen behind my eyelids, and it was a clear definitive outline of an eye.  Just about everyone see’s them.  Why?  Why eyes?  They have lids and blink benevolently at you.

It’s the fact that they’re common is what freaks me out.  There must be a shaman out there who can explain what the ayahuasca eyes are all about.

I’m going to ask a Yahoo Answers question and see what comes up.  I’ll post the answers for you.

Damn, how did it get to be 2:30 in the morning already?

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Another one of Melanie’s drunk moments of clarity. In today’s episode: Jealousy & Insecurity (they are the same thing).

I am terribly engaging to a fault.

You know how I fixate on things?  Well, that goes for people too.  I get hooked into conversations that can go on and on for hours with anyone – and I mean ANYONE and EVERYONE.

But as soon as a new person enters the conversation, I engage them, I fixate on them, and can talk on and on with that person, completely overlooking the last person I was previously engaged with.

And when this happens, you can see the crazy that comes out in people.  The insecurities.  The feeling that I abandoned the conversation, hence, I abandoned them.

When I talk to people, it’s almost like no one else in the world matters.  You are it.  My all, my everything (at that particular moment).  It feels like no one else matters until of course when that moment arrives and you realize no, that’s not true.  There are others in the world.  And now I’m talking to them as if you don’t exist.

This post will be exceedingly narcissistic.  I’m well aware of how I sound.  Tame your eye rolls and humor me for a while.  This can actually pertain to everyone.  Everyone can experience, or see it happening to some degree.  It’s human nature.

Here’s the drunk epiphany part:  It’s not actually me as a person that they like, it’s how I make them feel about themselves.

My transfixed attention made them feel good.  It made them feel aware of who they are.

In the end it’s ultimately about them, and has nothing to do with me at all.

It’s really hard to explain, and if you don’t already think like me, having similar thinking patterns and thought process, than you’ll not fully digest what I’m saying.  But the epiphany was most definitely there – it’s not me they like.  It’s just that they like themselves more when I focus my attention on them.  They want more of me because they want more of themselves.

I can’t give people something they already have.  And since I can never fulfill my end of the bargain, there will forever be disappointments.

I have this weird confidence about me.  Like an airy sort of, “I don’t give a shit, but I do” kind of way about me.  I can’t put my finger on it, but people equally like and hate it.  I can meet new people and talk to them like we’re old friends – like we belong as friends.  It feels comfortable and right.

But, and this is a devastating but, as soon as my attention goes astray – I WILL be hated.  I’ll be hated because what I gave to them, that feeling of being the only person that matters – that feeling was a lie.  A LIE!  I lied to them.  I’m no different from everybody else.  I’m a moron, an idiot, a big oaf, a liar.  And in some cases, the antithesis of the awesome person they thought I was.

But, and this is my own personal devastating but, what these people don’t realize is that I AM sincere.  I’m sincere in the way of Yes, when I talk to you – you are the only person I’m focused on and listening to.  No one else matters.  You got me.  It’s not a game.  I AM all heart.

When the “lie” I told is their new object of focus, I physically feel a sloughing off of all the good vibes that I fed to them earlier.  The good vibes wilt away and constantly need to be replenished.  I go back and replenish as much as I can until what I can give is no longer enough and I’m left abandoned and confused.

This is what happened with both of my friends, Amy and what the eff’s the other one’s name?…It begins with a K.

Kristie!

It happened with Kristie too.  And my poor little friend Henry.

These people never actually liked or cared about me.  They only cared about how I made them feel about themselves.

Bob Marley is right about there being only one love.  It’s a transcendental love that asks nothing, wants nothing, expects nothing.  I want nothing from anyone, only to not be treated poorly because I DO hurt.

Transcendental love happens when you catch yourself smiling at someone by just watching them.  It doesn’t matter what they’re doing, or who they’re talking to, you see them and they make you smile.  Or you think about them and smile.  That’s real love.

It seems like the more I’m able to make others feel awesome about themselves, the more I can damage them.  I hurt them so badly that they can only survive the pain by devaluing my worth until it wields no power over them.  They devalue me by seeing the worst in me.  All my flaws – even flaws that aren’t even there.  I fall hard.  The higher I stand, the harder I fall.

Here are the stages of my collapse:

First there is anger from the aforementioned “lie” I fed to them (that they’re the only person that matters to me).

Then they devalue my worth so I have no power over them.

Once that’s gone, I’m looked at in disgust because I’m a lowly loveless creature, groveling beneath their mighty weight of control and power.

And with disgust comes annoyance when I ask what’s wrong and what it is that I’m doing wrong.

Lastly comes complete withdrawal, avoidance, and abandonment.  Confusion.  My heart suffocates and is choked by a sodden dishrag.  Smelling musty and burnt.  Used up.

I no longer make them feel good.  I no longer make them feel anything accept guilty pride.  Nobody likes to feel guilty pride, hence the abandonment.

God I’m such a girl….

Isn’t this what normal girls do?  They sound all whiny and cause irrelevant drama?

Ha ha yep I’m just a regular girl I guess.  Totally NOT insane.  No siree Bob not insane at all.  Just one of the girls is what I am.

At least with jealousy, all negative thoughts can dissolve into fits of anger and expressed outside the soul.  But with me, it gets tucked away into my grey corner.  A corner reserved for confusion and loss.  Nobody puts baby in the corner.  Nobody.

Does anyone have any idea what I’m talking about?

Rational Brain – “No they do not.  You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

Me – “No that’s not true!  I’m an onlooker man, pure bred seeker of truth and of self-awareness.”

Rational Brain – “All I hear is ‘ boohoo, nobody likes me.  Nobody cares about me.  Whaa someone look at me!'”

Me – “What-evs.”

Rational Brain – “And you somehow managed to make narcissistic comments about how great you make others feel, and yet say humbly neurotic sentiments about not being liked.  Do you hear how crazy you sound?!”

Me – “Okay okay, got it.  Geez.”

Shit I’m so tired.  Everything tuckers me out.

I can go on to say that people with little belief in themselves (the weaker individuals), tend to fill their voids with my outpouring of attention a hell of a lot easier and willingly than the stronger types.  And this can be viewed as one of my more sinister traits; that I’m a narcissistic pariah who feeds on the weak in order to get her supply fix.

When people want to devalue me, this is what they see.  This is what they want to see.  And the Law of Fives grants them access to see the shit show.

My awesomeness is what kills me.  I’m crushed my its weight.  The weight of my huge ego that is.  No seriously, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.  I can’t win.

I love everybody dammit.  I really do!

So tuckered out….

How do normal girls (such as myself) do it?  All of it is very tiring….

Hehem hehem (throat clear).

So anyway, I contacted a realtor yesterday about finding me a rental space for my new business.  He sounded cool enough.  Not very sales – pitchy.

As of now I’m broke.  Sodden dishrag kind of broke.  Moldy and miserable and crusty to boot.

What I’m about to do, if I can find a suitable office, is a high-risk gamble.  A complex, possibly irresponsible heart wrenching gamble.

I hate gambles…

I should stop writing now.  It’s getting late.  But before I go, I just want to share with you one last thing.  A Google Synchronicity moment.

Google always knows what you’re looking for before you key in all the words.

I wanted to make sure I got that old Dirty Dancing expression right and so….

dirty dancing expression

All I wrote was nobody put!  How does Google know?  I mean seriously?  I swear I never looked it up before and Google merely recalled its memory.  This shit is scary!

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help