Category Archives: Self help

Melanie freaks out on one cup of chai tea latte and concludes that cancer is necessary for evolution!

(Please note that the ending to this post is better than its beginning.  It get’s better the further you read.  Good luck!.)

Why?  Why does caffeine hate me?  I mean, it does give me the ability to read minds and all, which is cool, but I don’t like the forlorn doom effect it has on my psyche.

Chai tea contains 40mg of caffeine compared to the 120mg’s found in your average cup of Joe (which drives me down to crazy town).

The effects are almost instantaneous.  I take one sip and beads of sweat dapple my forehead.

Chai isn’t as bad as coffee, but I can hear it whispering and laughing at me in the distance.

Chai – “Ha ha look at her!  Is she freaking out?”

Chai #2 – “A little.  Let’s keep quiet.  Maybe she won’t notice us.”

I’m nuts.  Clearly nuts.

What amazes me, I mean truly amazes me, is how it messes with my whole thought process.  This is NOT me.  But if I’m not my thoughts or my actions, what am I?

Rational Brain – “We went over this – it’s your intentions, remember?”

Oh right….so confusing….I still don’t fully get it but I’ll save it for another post.

So anyway, to dig deeper into the mystery of why caffeine makes me crazy, I googled it and didn’t find a straight answer but what I did find was cytochrome (CYP1A2), the enzyme that breaks down and processes the caffeine molecule in the liver.  The liver!  Of course.  That makes sense.

It also synthesizes cholesterol which means I should get my levels checked.

But does this mean I have too much CYP1A2?  Or not enough?

Not enough (I think).

People who smoke have higher levels of CYP1A2 which means they can process drugs and caffeine easier than if they flat-out quit.  When they quit, the drugs they take (prescribed meds) can have adverse side-effects.

I’m sorry, am I boring you?  I don’t care!

Scattered notes I found across the net (to be patched together later by me):

  • CYP1A2 takes up about 15% of our liver.
  • Smoking (from the polycyclic hydrocarbons found in the smoke) and drinking caffeine increases CYP1A2 levels.
  • Smoking increases cholesterol.
  • Cabbages, cauliflower and broccoli are known to increase levels of CYP1A2.
  • Lower activity of CYP1A2 in South Asians appears to be due to cooking these vegetables in curries using ingredients such as cumin and turmeric, ingredients known to inhibit the enzyme.
  • South Asians have a very low cancer risk.
  • Alcohol induces CYP1A2
  • If you smoke, your body clears caffeine from your system faster than if you didn’t smoke.
  • If you drink coffee while on prescribed meds, the molecules in the coffee and in the meds compete for the CYP1A2 enzyme in order to break them down, therefore caffeine takes longer to clear from the body while taking meds (because less enzymes are available).
  • Caffeine has a powerful anti-depressant effect (unrelated but interesting).
  • Alcohol decreases the speed it takes to clear caffeine from your system because they both compete for CYP1A2.
  • CYP1A2 is responsible for the metabolism of estrogens.
  • Increased CYP1A2 function may be associated with increased risk of breast cancer.
  • Woman who smoke have lower levels of urinary estrogen.
  • Chinese woman with slow NAT2 and rapid CYP1A2 activity were at greater risk for lung cancer
  • Cooking meat over an open flame such as charbroiling produces heterocyclic amines (HCAs) and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs) found in cigarette smoke (the stuff that increases CYP1A2 levels).
  • Polycyclic hydrocarbons (HCA’s) are mutagenic, meaning, they can cause mutations in the DNA resulting in cancer.
  • HCA’s and PAH’s are formed when the fat and juice in the raw meat drips down into the open flame and that same flame is used to cook the meat.
  • Humans started evolving shortly after learning to cook meat by showing rapid growth in brain size and smaller jaws.
  • Cooked food contains more calories than raw food.
  • The more calories we consume, the more proficient our brain works.
  • Eating raw vegetables can decrease the risk of cancer.
  • It is possible (not 100% proven) that cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli reduce the risk of cancer depending on how long it takes the body to metabolize the protective isothiocyanate found in them.  Meaning, some people keep cancer fighting agents in their body longer than others.

(I got a little off topic.)

Scattered notes from personal thoughts / experience / assumptions:

  • I’m very responsive to aspirin and acetainophen (they last a long time in my system).
  • One beer makes me happy.
  • Caffeine gives me insomnia (it lasts a long time).
  • Maybe South Asians are sensitive to alcohol because they have low levels of CYP1A2?
  • Maybe caffeine can enhance and prolong the effects of alcohol?
  • Maybe humans evolved quickly as a result of cooking meat due to the PAH’s and HCA’s creating mutations in our DNA.
  • Cooking food evolved us into the humans we are today.
  • By cooking cruciferous vegetable in turmeric and cumin, slows the activity of CYP1A2, therefore keeping the cancer fighting protective isothiocyanates longer in your body.

One bullet point that stands out is why woman who smoke have lower levels of urinary estrogen.  Is it because the increase level of CYP1A2  metabolizes the estrogen too fast? Thereby sending estrogen into the bloodstream to accumulate in the uterus and breast tissue causing breast density to rise due to the fact that estrogen causes breast cells to divide and multiply?  Never to escape?

All these bullet points were taken from researching nearly indecipherable medical jargon.  I’m sure that somewhere in the jargon describes perfectly well why smokers have lowered estrogen levels in their urine, but to me it doesn’t add up.  I don’t get it.  There is literally no clear answer.  What little I could decipher, I wrote as a clear bullet point.

Conclusion:

My brother rented the movie Bird Man and I’m going to watch it.  I spent waaaaay too much time on this.  I did however, eat a bunch of cabbage just now to increase my CYP1A2 levels so I can flush out that damn latte I had earlier.

It turns out that there’s more than one type of CYP1A2.  It depends on your genes.  It varies like blood type.  I self-diagnosed myself with the slow metabolizing CYP1A2 type – the type that decreases your chances of getting certain cancers, but increases my risk of heart attack (this is my theory, no one else’s).

So I guess it’s safe to conclude that I have low CYP1A2 levels of the slow type of CYP1A2.  I need to start charbroiling my food and eating raw broccoli.

Maybe it’s also related to stress?  Damn it now I want to google CYP1A2 and stress.  When will this be over?  Are you kidding me brain?

Well, according to one guy “….stress alone results in increases in the abundance of proteins responsive to oxidative stress, along with Phase I and II metabolizing enzymes.”

My new bullet point under assumptions (not facts):

  • Stress may cause rapid metabolic function which results in low absorption of cancer fighting agents found in cruciferous veggies.

These enzymes increase in order to rid the body of carcinogens.  And since there’s a strong link between our physical and mental state, these enzymes can’t tell one from the other so mental stress can in turn, cause them to increase.  And upon the increase, all metabolic processes also increase resulting in cell division and abnormal DNA mutations.

I have a crazy whacked out theory that psychological stress is the pre-curser to evolution.

Think about it.

Evolution occurs when our desires don’t match up with our current circumstances (this causes stress).  And according to my recent study, stress causes mutations in our DNA (proven with lab rats).  Thereby allowing me to presume that thought (stress) alone created the way our body looks and operates today.  It’s like our evolution had direction.  Do you know what I mean?  Like our mutations were conscious choices.

And my theory that we fall in love with people who have traits that we desire but lack, our collective desired traits are passed down from generation to generation, creating mutations and in our eyes, a more attractive species.  We are the culmination of our (inherited) desires.

Which brings me back to the belief that WE created US.  God didn’t create us, we did.  We are it.  Don’t get me wrong though, there’s still a God.

If we thought tails were sexy, we’d still have them.  But having a tail means less blood flow to the brain and extremities resulting in lower intelligence and stamina – in other words, we didn’t need them.  Evolution also means to let go of things you’ve out-grown.  Like pants.

Rational Brain – “What about the whole “survival of the fittest” rational?  Black bears living in the South Pole didn’t last long because their little black cubs were easily spotted and snatched up.  So only the white polar bear survived.  Are you saying that polar bears “desired” to mate with white bears and it had nothing to do with the black cubs vulnerability?”

Ugh…..*sign*.

I really wanted to watch Bird Man.

But think about it, seriously.  Stress causes mutations in our DNA – mutations can lead to cancer or it can lead us to an evolutionary leap.  Maybe cancer has to exist in order for us to evolve?  If we stop all abnormal mutations and start growing humans like soy beans with GMO’s and what-not’s, we’d all be the same apple tree for as long as time lasts.

Rational Brain – “Don’t ignore me.  I made a really good argument.”

Oh god I hope I don’t get cancer for writing this.

And cancer is genetic because our bodies are trying to evolve, but not quite getting it right so each generation has to cope with their inherited cancer risk until they hit a generation that surpasses the threat by owning a new mutated gene that wasn’t present in their ancestors.  Like reading minds for instance.  Reading minds would be cool trait.

Rational Brain – “Melanie, stop.  Please just stop.”

One latte!  All this from one latte!

And yeah, I know I sound crazy.

So much went down today.  I want to fire one of my employee’s and I didn’t even broach the subject.  That was my original intension for writing this post – to tell you the story of how I want to fire one of my employee’s.

OMG brain….you distracted little pissant.  You hath no focus.  Or do you have too much focus?

I think I need to eat more cabbage.

Oh and get this!  Don’t you find it strange that the same time we start cooking food is the same time our evolution speeds up?  It’s like having those fatty juices falling into the open flame helped speed up the process.  It’s like evolution never would have occurred without the use of fire.  I mean, homo sapiens never would’ve occurred.  Something else?  Maybe.

Shamans believe that fire heals and acts as the gateway between worlds.

The last time I did ayahuasca with them, I understood more deeply the healing aspects of fire but I never got the chance to write about it because I was working non-stop at the time.

In essence, the fire (in my case), represented my thoughts.  They burned, engulfed me, consumed me – but it was the smoke that felt healing.  It’s hard to describe, but it was like watching my thoughts burn and then release.  Burning, then releasing.  But I also understood that the healing smoke wouldn’t be produced without the burning fire, so both needed to exist which makes them equally important to the healing process.

While I’m on the subject, another thing I got out of my last ayahuasca experience was the impenetrable loneliness I felt from the idea that I’m the only one inhabiting my mind.  I’m the only one in here.  It’s just me.  And if our perception of the world is responsible for the world we are given, it felt as though I was the only person living in my world, do you understand?  It’s just me living in my own little world.  Isolated, completely cut-off.

This sent me into the dreaded ayahuasca world of fear.  A lot of people go through it.  It’s basically a panic attack.  And I swear if it were anyone else besides me who experienced this particular fear, this dreadful thought, it would’ve resulted in an outburst – a verbal cry of hysterical panic.

But I knew what was happening because shit like that happened to me before, without the help of aya.  I taken several deep breaths over and over while staring into the fire and remembering what the shaman told me – “the fire will eat your demons so long as you stare into it.  When the demons come, the fire will cleanse them.”

And so I stared, I breathed, I remembered his words and then I saw it.  I saw my thoughts in the fire being swallowed up and turning to smoke.  Letting go of them was like watching myself float away with its ashes.

My panic lasted for maybe 5 minutes before slowly vanishing.

“Are you almost done leaving me yet?  Nope, still there.  Almost out of me now?  Almost….almost.  The smoke, watch the smoke.  My thoughts are drifting away with the smoke.”

And then it was gone.

A post or two (or three) ago, I wrote that somehow my emotional sensitivity made me a stronger person.  Two days ago while I was giving a massage, I understood why this is.  It was a pristine explanation with no holes.

Allowing myself to feel without distraction or the self-inflated shallowness of ego or “rightness” (which too, is a distraction), I’m able to connect with the selfless side of me.  One who suffers for (with) others.

Okay okay, I know how I sound right now and trust me – I do NOT think myself a wondrous sparkly saint sporting a halo.  I’m NOT trying to make myself sound grand – that is not my intention.

Eh hem…aya told me I was a martyr….eh hem….

But I understood how my weakness is strength.

Rational Brain – “Go to bed.  It’s too late for Bird Man.”

Let me just finish this thought.

A coward is someone who’s selfish.  Someone who care’s nothing for anyone but themselves and so they focus on survival and distractions, feeling big and powerful.  But those who are affected deeply by the human plight, and not try to escape from it, care for others besides themselves.

It’s common sense, but when you look at it from the eschewed angle of experience, it tends to make even more common sense.  Does that make sense?

When you care for others, that’s where you’ll find courage.  In fact, it might be the only place to find courage.  That’s why ayahuasca made it abundantly clear that giving is everything and strength is beauty.  You give out of piety, not pity.  Your strength comes from weakness, not power.

My strength, my “weakness”, is the stress put upon my shoulders that evolves me.  It can either eat me as a cancer, or evolve me into something greater.  Stay in the fire, or release me to the heavens.  According to ayahuasca, I get to choose.

Rational Brain – “I’m speechless.  Tonight, for once, being rational is not the beautiful thing to be.”

You’re wrong.  Being rational accentuates my philosophy.  I’m the flame and you’re the smoke – the exquisite aftermath.

And according to ayahuasca, you can only gain understanding with experience.  And according to me, experience occurs when you have an emotional reaction.  So in theory, the more you emotionally connect with an experience, the more likely you are to understand it.  My emotional vulnerability (not to be confused with instability), connects more freely with others, hence I can understand them.  And shit man, sometimes I wish I didn’t.

Rational Brain – “The cabbage didn’t help get rid of the caffeine, did it.”

I’m not anxious anymore, just awake.  Awake at 2am.

Damn, I just remembered about the employee I want to fire.  That post will be at least 1500 words.  I can’t believe how I didn’t write about it at ALL.  I can’t believe I didn’t write about Thailand!

I have so much stuff to write about.  The things I do, the people in my life, my everyday shenanigans….none of it takes precedence while I’m “in the moment”.  While being consumed by the flames.

It’s like none of it’s important to me but than again, it’s my life!  It’s my actual life that I’m not writing about – the purpose of my blog is to record and chronicle my life but instead, some other part takes the reigns.  A part that I have no control over.  Which makes me believe that my writing serves a purpose greater than my personal desires.

Rational Brain – “Again with the big head.  You write shit online and get carried away with it.”

Oh shut up and go to bed.

Rational Brain – “You first.”

2,801 words later……I need help.

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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

Chirashi Sushi

“I’m majorly craving sushi today.  I’m famished!”

Rational Brain – “See if anyone wants Sushi House after work.”

“Yes!  Sushi House!  All you can eat you cannot beat!”

Rational Brain – “You can even offer to pay for everyone.  You had a really good month and should spread the joy.”

“Absolutely!”

I pick up my phone and ready myself to text.

Rational Brain – “But since you have the means to pay for someone else’s dinner, why don’t you just buy yourself two dinners and get take-out?  That way you can play your video game.”

“That sounds…..WONDERFUL!”

And that’s how I ordered and ate two chirashi sushi dinners.  Two soups & two salads also.  Why did I order two of the same meal you ask?  My email, chirashigirl at yahoo, is no accident.

I started wondering if maybe I might have a problem.  Not an eating problem, I still manage to stay trim somehow.  But a different kind of problem.

The best way to figure out if you have a problem is to see yourself from an outsiders perspective.  The outsiders perspective I chose was that of a parent – a mother.  “How would I feel if I had a daughter just like me?”

I went on an imaginary online forum for mothers complaining about their kids and wrote this:

Mom – “My daughter, Melanie, might have a problem.  She’s 35 years old, still lives with us, and she spends most of her time playing video games.  She has free time now that her business is doing so well, and she can spend days at a time in her pajama’s never leaving the house.  I’m worried about her isolation.”

Commenter – “Does she have any goals or hobbies?”

Mom – “She has too many goals if you ask me.  But once she sets her mind on something, she always follows through.  Right now she’s working on building up her client base so she can go cross-country on a motorcycle, take me and her father to Italy, and eventually buy a house.”

Commenter – “Does she seem like she’s happy playing video games and being in her pajama’s all day?”

Mom – “I’ve never seen her this happy.  That’s why I’m worried.  Is it normal?  She has no interest in getting married, having kids or even dating.”

Commenter – “Does she have friends?”

Mom – “I think so.  She wanted to go out to eat the other day with a friend but she got take-out instead.  Her reasoning was that she can get two dinners for herself instead of offering to pay for her friends meal.  And she gets to stay home in her pajama’s and play video games.”

Commenter – “So you’re telling me that your daughter is completely happy and content, has viable goals that she’s achieving, likes to travel, is self-sufficient, get’s to do NOTHING all day if she wants, and you’re worried why?”

Mom – “Um, okay never mind then.”

My only problem is that I’m selfish.  I wanted to address this issue by volunteering at a shelter or food place.  So I went on the website, Meals on Wheels, and discovered that one of the requirements to volunteer is that you have to be 55 or older.

I gave up and closed the lid of my laptop.

After writing my last post about casting the Patronus spell to get rid of dementors, I broke through into a bi-polar high.

If you can’t tell, I’m a little high on myself right now.  It’s subtle, but I assure you, it’s there.

It’s all about asking the right questions and to avoid at all costs, seeing no hope in any situation.

Whatever solution you may find yourself with will need one of two things:  Courage or faith.

If you have faith in a plan that can’t lose, you don’t need courage.  But if your faith is faulty, that’s when you’ll need courage.

And if you need courage, that often foretells that you’ll just have to plan more.  But this is where our evolutionary process occurs – by taking action using courage alone.  This is where we find choice – you find your power.

Rational Brain – “Why in the hell did you start writing a post like this at 1:30 in the morning?  You knew it was going to be a transfixed philosophical ramble that gives you insomnia!”

I had no idea I swear!  I was just going to write about my chirashi dinner episode because I thought it was funny.  Look, I even named this post after it!

Rational Brain – “Yeah right.  Anyway, take me through your thought process on this.  How does courage give you choice?”

You’ll have to use your emotional side of the brain for this because words can’t grasp what I’m about to say.  You’ll have to take a minute to feel it.

Rational Brain – “Ooooh-kay….how can I feel what you’re saying?”

Have you ever been so angry that you snapped?  A choice was made to hurt the person offending you.  You snapped and wanted that other person to feel the pain they caused you.  Have you ever felt that?

Rational Brain – “You know I have.  At least 3 or 4 times in my life.”

It’s like that, only non-violent.  When you make a choice that your heart is fused with, it’s undeniable action – you have to do something to avoid yourself further pain.  You start seeing your choice.  It’s like lifting the veil.  You feel your power, your own potential.  You take action without a plan because courage was thrust upon you.

Another way to help you emotionally connect with my words is that old saying “there is no try, only do.”  That saying always struck home for me personally.

Choice, in essence, IS action.  Taking action is the same as making a choice.  They are the same thing.  They happen simultaneously.  You can’t ask me to explain it, it’s one of those old truths that feels ruthlessly correct without explanation or rationalization.  It’s the same kind of truth ayahuasca taught me.

But this is where things get weird…..

Once the action has started, once it has moved, things start happening without your influence.  I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

My latest choice was to move out of my parents house as soon as humanly possible.  I was going to wait until I paid off my debt and saved a little for a down payment on a house, but I HAD to get out.  I was at the breaking point I mentioned earlier.

It’s all to do with my crazy aunt and OCD cousin who live with us.

There was a tremendous blow-out at my house a few days ago because my cousin was running the water…..again.  Our bathroom sink downstairs (where my boisterous temperamental brother and his girlfriend reside) clogged and as OCD cousin ran the water in the upstairs bathroom, it rose quickly up the drain and splashed onto the floor in our bathroom below him.

My brother was telling OCD cousin to stop running the water, but he wouldn’t stop.  If you knew my brother, this situation got ugly fast.  That’s to say the absolute least.  My bro was at his limit.

Basically without getting into too much detail, my aunt screamed that she was calling the cops – several times she screamed it but never called for fear it would be her son taken away.

OCD cousin…..OMG….OCD cousin, I’ve never heard a grown man squeal like that – literally squeal in a such an ear piercing manner like a child.  It sounded – no joke – like he had murderous rage.  I’ve never heard murderous rage from anybody before, but that was it.  Definitely it.

The only time I came out of my bedroom was to assess the damage done to our bathroom and help my dad and my brothers girlfriend clean it up.  I came out one other time to calm down my brothers girlfriend who was getting an onslaught of insults thrown at her from my crazy aunt.

Me – “Don’t respond to her.  You can’t reason with crazy and it’ll only make you crazy for trying.”

She was shaking with anger.

Me and my brother, and possibly my dad, know that OCD cousin is capable of evil things.  I say this as honestly as I can – the dude would kill us.  All of us.  Most likely in our sleep.

And we actually KNOW this!  For real for real!

My brother – “You better lock your door tonight.”

My brother and his girlfriend braved the snow storm and moved out that night.  That’s when I realized I needed to get out of dodge too.  My heart was set and I started looking at apartments.

Anyway, long story long, my crazy aunt and OCD cousin left here and my brother is back living with us again.

Crazy aunt and OCD cousin are staying with my Aunt Rosemary for the time being.  I don’t know how that happened, only that they are gone.

I’ve never been happier.  I mean, I’m falling off my rocker with joy!  Not only by them leaving, but my business had a REALLY good month.  I have four days left of February so I’ll write a post March 1st on how it did.

You must think I’m horrible for turning family away, so I’ll tell you two of my cousins latest freak-outs:  He made my 70 year old mother leave the house at night in the bitter cold to buy him lemonade, and he shit his pants and got his shitty pants all over the bathroom floor.  He didn’t even clean it up.

And that’s just TWO of his latest antics, before causing a landslide in our bathroom downstairs and squealing murderous rage at my brother.  Not to mention he can fill a swimming pool in one weekend with how much water he wastes.

Anyway, I stopped writing about them because I couldn’t find a solution to my problem (being them).  I don’t complain when there’s no solution.  And the reason why NONE of us should complain when there is no solution is because it’s your own damn fault.  It was my fault for living here.  But alas, the energy has moved, a choice made, and things started happening in my favor without my influence – without doing anything really, just deciding.

Them leaving is a better option than me having to move out.  I pay $1,000 a month towards my debt, it would never get paid if I moved out now.

Ayahuasca told me that there is always a choice.

Me – “How do I get to choose?”

Ayahuasca – “With faith.”

Me – “How do I get faith?”

Ayahuasca – “With courage.”

Me – “But how do I find the courage?”

Ayahuasca – “Through suffering.”

I’m sensitive to the extreme, I can be weak, easily hurt.  I don’t know how or why, but it’s my fragile nature and my weakness that makes me strong.  It’s like, I have something to live for, you know?  It’s hard to explain.  If I didn’t feel what I feel, I wouldn’t do what I do.

I still want to write about how asking questions is tied in with awareness, but it’s too late for that.

Rational Brain – “Another night perhaps.”

Yes, another night.

I still need to write about Thailand…

 

 

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Filed under journal, My OCD cousin who wants to kill me, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

How to get out of a dump funk

Whenever I ask myself a question, it’s as though no other thoughts infiltrate my head other than the probable answers.  My focal point is set and all else falls away.

Rational Brain – “And what question is on your mind tonight might I ask?”

No questions.  I’m just mulling this fact over in my head.  I mean, one question and nothing else seems to matter except for that one question.

I had a bipolar day today.  I can’t remember my last bipolar episode before today.  I’d forgotten what they feel like.

It feels like someone sits on my chest making it impossible for me to breathe.  I feel listless, without happiness.  Like a Harry Potter dementor came to pay me a visit.  It’s quite literally a physical sensation.  Only one who experienced deep sadness can tell you about it.  Your heart physically aches.  How was I able to forget that?

All because of my impending birthday coming up on stupid Valentines day.  I remembered it’s this coming Saturday.  Last night I remembered and last night was when it started – the polar shift in my icecaps.  I woke up today with a big fatty of a dementor hanging over my head, washing away all the nice dreams I had.

Then I started worrying about my business and how I’ll never make any money with it.  All my thoughts were void of question.  My thoughts were inarguable statements without choice.

That’s what dementors do.  They rob you of your questions.  Without questions, you lose your focal point, your purpose.  And something else takes the reins – fear.

It’s so odd coming to this realization.  It’s particularly odd for me since I don’t like to complain about anything until I find a solution first.  First a solution, than I can complain all I want about the thing that once made my life hell.  I complain with a light heart – one that I’m fully in control of.  But I slip up at times and unwittingly complain in my internal grumblings.

My friend told me the other day that I’m the most emotionally stable person she knows.

It baffles me because if I’m so emotionally stable, then why am I still up at 5:30 in the morning unable to sleep?  Writing about dementors and how I feel like I have a man sitting on my chest?

If I’m considered stable, I don’t want to know what other people think about.  It’s also kind of funny how nobody really know’s anyone.

I’m up because I’m excited about my new discovery that asking the right question is like casting the most powerful patronus charm against all dementors.  I had to look up patronus charm and Google miraculously knew my question before it was asked.

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 5.19.17 AM

That’s crazy.

Here’s a question for you…..are we more apt to be sad in these futuristic times when answers are given to us before we can type them into a search engine?  Since answers are ample on the net, forums and blogs abound, are we less inclined to seek out a more personal take on things?

In other words, do we stop asking questions because the answers are already there for us?  We only have to open a book, or more conveniently, a laptop.

We are taught from baby-hood to listen to those who know better – and those people who know better just so happen to be anyone that’s older than us.  We’re inclined to listen more than we’re inclined to think.  It’s what we’re taught.  Lucky for me, thanks to my mother, I learned how to NOT listen to adults.

My mom is crazy and I knew from an insanely young age that I had a better gauge on reality than she did.  I owe everything to my mother, but that’s a different story.

What was I saying?  Ah yes.  According to my new insight, if we stop asking questions, the dementors will come find us.  We lose our power and source of awareness.  Awareness is found by asking questions.

Rational Brain – “That sounds insightful, can you spread your words on that?”

Okay but I won’t get too deep into it.  I’m tired.

Shit no, I can’t explain it without getting deep into it.  It’ll have to wait.  Damn the thoughts are flowing.  Damn you rational brain.

It’ll wait.  Another night.

Anywho, in other news….

I’m looking to hire another therapist to work weekends.  I can’t hack it anymore.

Another reason for my malcontent earlier today was because I had to work.  It’s Wednesday, so I only had to massage clients who requested me, but even still – it brought me down.  The moment I was done massaging them, I brightened up and the shroud lifted.

So, my impending birthday wasn’t the only weight on my chest – it was the weight of work that sent me over.

When I worked at Massage Envy, I hated it don’t get me wrong, but I buckled down and did it because I didn’t think I had a choice.  But now that I’ve grown so much and am able to finally see that I do have a choice, the dread becomes more vehement in a way.  More angry, more rebellious.  Like a teenager with a curfew who just got her drivers license.

“I don’t have to do this anymore.” Is your new focal point.  And the fact that you’re still doing it, only entices your wrath against it.  And when left without asking questions that mindfully set your focal point, can lead you to a polar shift of malcontent.

Don’t ask “Why am I still doing this?”  ask instead, “How can I stop doing this?”

Holy crap I just deleted a whole bunch of shit I just wrote.  It was work rambles.

The endings to my posts often suck the shit out of everything preceding it.

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

Me and my Rational Brain Debate. Todays Topic: Why There’s Vulva Eating in the Animal Kingdom

I’m watching the first episode of PeeWee’s Playhouse on Netflix just like any baby from the 80’s would do.

I worked for two hours today and now I’m delightfully enjoying my newly acquainted freedom.

Oh shit, Morpheus from the Matrix is playing a goofy cowboy and some animated fish just called a fat lady a whale.  The 80’s were wack.  They were wiggidy wiggidy wiggidy wack.

Melalecki high mecca high knee ho, wack.

PEEWEEPLAYHOUSE

———————-

I lost something very special to me a few days ago.  It was an epic blog post.

The above predilection of PeeWee’s Playhouse was all that I could salvage, and it’s the least epic part of the post.

It was a legendary debate between myself and my rational brain.  A superb, unequaled piece of art.  A post like that is hard to come by, at least on here it is, Melanie’s life online.

I almost decided never to write again.  Like losing a love that can not be replaced.  I can love no more.

But if you gave an immortal chimp a typewriter and told him to aimlessly punch the keys for infinity, it’s statistically proven that he’ll eventually write Hamlet word for word by random chance.

There’s many a possibility found in the great mystery.  You only need to find the right typewriter and by random chance, the words will come and eventually you’ll rip the horn off the unicorn to place it on your mantle.  Something that adds definition to your shining light.

You know that old saying, “if you want to be a good cook, you have to learn how to taste”?

No, of course you haven’t.  You haven’t heard of it because I just thought of it now.  But it sounds like it’s an old saying, right?

Know your secret spices, your ingredients.  You can’t be afraid of tasting just because you tasted something bad.  In this case, a lost blog post.

Too scared I’ll lose another and too tired of rewriting more of the same.  My taste buds become uninspired and acquiesce to the bland, safer flavors.

But man, I really miss that post….

It’s 10am on a blistery cold snowy day in February.

Here in New England, Connecticut to be precise, the temperature will rise next month by 10 degree’s.  In April they will rise again by another 10 degree’s.  It will keep rising by 10 degree’s until September when it starts going down by 10.  And it keeps going down by 10 until March.  Mathematicians who like symmetry would love living here.

One more month….

Brianna, my travel buddy, told me that female pigs can’t be placed in a pen together because the alpha female will eat the vulva’s of the other pigs.  I mean, they’d literally eat them – take a big bite out of them.  It made me sick to my stomach thinking about it.  The idea of it got me hating pigs.  They’re disgusting, vile creatures.

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I told my parents about these nasty pigs over our exquisite Chinese buffet dinner and my dad told me that it’s not just pigs that do it, it’s a common occurrence in the animal kingdom.

My heart sank because according to my understanding that all pigs are vile, evil creatures, this means that ALL animals must be vile, evil creatures.  But this belief conflicts with my love of animals.  I can’t believe both at the same time.  Cripes, I even think the pigs pictured above are adorable.

“Maybe not all are vile….”  I thought to myself.

It’s just like it is with people.  Some are crazy, while others, not so much.

I have no interest in tearing a person down for personal gain, but I lived through and experienced what it’s like.  If you take down a threat, you’re awarded with power.  You feel distinguished by it.  And if you’re cunning enough, you can win over the hearts of others because of it.  This is why women gossip.  It’s another ploy at eating vulva’s.

I never thought of anybody as a threat.  That’s the thing.  There’s no need for me to eat vulva’s.  Just as it is with my natural inclination towards loving animals, I have a stubborn natural inclination to love myself.

Rational Brain – “How does loving yourself have anything to do with eating vulva’s?”

I don’t know, it just does.  I feel it’s correct, okay?

Rational Brain – “Don’t be lazy, think.  This is why I debate with you after-all.”

Okay okay, I’ll refer back to my ayahuasca teachings.  Give me a sec….

Rational Brain – “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s about faith.  The one true most purest love you can have is synonymous with faith.

Rational Brain – “This sounds awfully familiar to me but please, go on.”

You rise above fear.  When there is no fear, there are no threats and when you don’t consider something a threat, compassion is born into the equation.  You lose your appetite for vulva’s.

Rational Brain – “Repeat it one more time only leaving out all your self-righteous bullshit.”

I know, I hate the way that bullshit sounds too.  I sound transfixed and crazy.  Okay, how’s this….

– By loving yourself, you eliminate your own demons, you eliminate eating your own vulva.

Rational Brain – “How though?  I need specifics.  Connect the freaking dots.  Not to mention how crazy that sounds!”

Give me a minute and I’ll tie it together.  This is a process, okay?  It ain’t easy.

Rational Brain – “What ev’s..”

We are naturally inclined towards survival, right?  Survival means adapting to something that ensure’s our own safety.  This is how we learn fear.  People who don’t venture out or follow their hearts, avoid people or things they consider a “threat”, they are in the end, eating their own vulva (or other people’s vulva’s as long as they’re cunning and manipulative enough).  They have fear and where there is fear, there is no faith in yourself.  You like things done a certain way in order to control this fear.  To do anything outside of your comfort level, brings about the obvious “discomfort”.  The more you like things done a certain way, the more fear you have.  You never leave your box and end up gaining power through judging others because you have none of your own.

Rational Brain – “That’s all well and good but how does loving yourself change all that?”

Because love is faith!

Rational Brain – “But how is it faith?!  We’re back at the beginning!”

Arg…When you love yourself in the purest form that ayahuasca described (we’re not spiritually evolved enough to understand this love, keep that in mind), you rise.  You rise light as a feather.  It’s like falling in love.

In my post that was sadly taken away from me, I wrote about what makes people fall in love.

Rational Brain – “I remember that.  It made my synapses bleed girly menstrual blood.”

Um, graphic much?….but anyway, in short, people fall in love because they get inspired.  And inspiration comes from asking the questions “why?” or “how?”

“How do they do that?”  “What made them that way?” or, “How can I do that too?”

The things that don’t belong anywhere in your current understanding, are what’s appealing.  Anything that makes you curious is considered fascinating and/or beautiful.

Like a daisy growing out of concrete, or a purple pebble amidst a sea of grey ones.  Anything outside your current level of experience (understanding), and you wish to learn more about it – are the things you fall in love with.

When you love yourself in the pure form, you find yourself being the daisy, or the purple rock.  Curious, full of mystery and potential too.

When we are interested in a person, they most often come off as mysterious.  And what that mystery really is, is potential.  In a way, it’s your potential.

Basically, when you love yourself, you fall in love with your own potential.  Your own imagination.  Having a muse in your life awakens your own self-love.

Most artists are wrongly accused of egocentricity and narcissism, while in fact the people making those allegations are only vulva eaters themselves.  Stealing power they didn’t earn.  The artist can drown in a sea of grey rocks while vying to better the world.

The contemplators in my head a few days ago were arguing back and forth about this world being built solely by our imaginations.  Imagination creates everything we see and nature provides the fruits of our labor to see it through.

If imagination is Godly, and I somehow linked imagination with the purest form of love (which is said to be God), than perhaps I’m on to something?

We love the people we want to get to know better.  If we love ourselves, we want to get to know ourselves better.  And the people we love inspires our own potential for growth.  Love breeds more love until it stagnates into fear.  Fear breeds more fear.

This is why I write.  I love myself in the purest form and I want to know myself better.  I consider myself that lonely purple rock amidst a sea of grey ones.  I want to stretch my potential and achieve my goals, I want to create.  And by creating, I influence and evolve the world – our sole reason for us being here is to evolve according to ayahuasca.

diamondintherough

Rational Brain – “Did you forget that out of the billions of people inhabiting this world, only 2 actually read your blog?”

Shut up that’s not the point.  Maybe I can influence them in other ways.

Rational Brain – “Only insecure people boast about themselves.”

I’m not boasting, I’m explaining.  It just sounds like boasting is all.

But because I feel this way about myself, I’m not afraid of a grey rock eating away at my vulva – it’s an impossibility.  And staying in my comfort zone, eating my own vulva for survival purposes, is not an issue.  That’s just gross people, come on.

Rational Brain – “Damn girl….”

If you scroll up to where I first mentioned vulva eating, I was going to talk about an entirely different topic.

Rational Brain – “What topic was that?”

Hold on and let me make sure this previous topic is closed.  I want to make sure I can clearly understand what I’m talking about.  Hold up.

Oh shit, I changed.

Rational Brain – “Waddya mean you changed?”

I changed over the years.  I didn’t have as much faith in myself as I do now.  I was on the same level as the grey rocks for a while.

I lived in fear because I was living in my comfort zone for far too long.  I was eating my own vulva – don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t always like that.  When I was 18 I tried out a plethora of jobs and applied myself.  I was young and well aware of my potential.  But as I got older and nothing changed, I slowly sank down to be with the grey rocks.  Aging makes you scared.  Scared of losing life, losing time.  You slip into your comfort zone (survival mode), and lose your love (curiosity, potential).  You escape by keeping yourself busy, or inebriated.  Usually both.  Clinging to those stronger than you but never coming to fruition yourself.  Being enabled.

I only started to rise again once I hit bottom.  Oddly enough, it helped that I didn’t have a stronger person to cling to that would enable me.

Rational Brain – “Kind of like the temperature rising and falling.”

Huh?

Rational Brain – “With you hitting rock bottom and then rising up again.  It’s like New England’s monthly temp’s.”

Yeah…..

Rational Brain – “I really hope you’re not bi-polar.”

Well if I am, I’m loving it.

I don’t know if any person reading this will understand any of it, but while you’re trying to comprehend it all, I’m laying here in bed and it feels like I’m stepping back to take in the view of what I’ve drawn after connecting all the dots.

It’s 11:16.  It taken me a little over an hour to write all that.  An immortal chimp clacking away at random keys is not needed.  I’ve found my own decent “Hamlet”.

Rational Brain – “So what was your original intention for mentioning the vulva eating pigs?”

Hold on, I haven’t read everything I’ve written yet.  Give me a sec.  There may be more on this topic.

Grey rocks are sociopaths.

Rational Brain – “Say what?”

If you’re living in fear as a grey rock, you become a narcissistic sociopath.  When I was working at Massage Envy, I started seeing this in myself and so I wrote about it and tried making a joke of it.

You can only understand the things you’ve experienced, so I’m thankful that I was a grey rock.  Understanding helps facilitate compassion.  Once you understand something, you no longer fear it.  And you can change your colors back to purple, or blue, or whatever your favorite color is.  A diamond perhaps?

Totally off topic, but I consulted the I-Ching asking it who I am and it said (exact quote) “Once I learn fear, I am safe from terror by outside influences.”

I-Ching is furrealz yo.  I believe in it 100%.  So much so that it freaks me out.

Damn, my client still wants to come in for his massage at 3:00.  I just emailed him NO.

Okay so anyway, my original intention for bringing up vulva eating pigs was to tell you about a dream I had last night, or this morning rather.

I dreamt a huge pig – the biggest fattest pig I’ve ever seen was chasing after me.  I thought it was one of those vulva eating pigs so I was terrified, naturally.  But when the pig caught up to me, he put my whole head in its mouth.  I was waiting for him to bite down, but he didn’t.  He slobbered all over my head before letting me go and nonchalantly walked away.  Everyone told me that it was the pig’s way of saying he liked me.

So anyway, back in my bathroom in real life, I went to my trusty dream dictionary authored by the great all-knowing Migene González-Wippler and looked up what it meant to dream of a pig.

Huge success in business is what it means.  HUGE gains.

I’m interviewing two independent contractors tomorrow for at-home massage visits.  I lose no money by hiring them and if it works out, it will be fair and lucrative for us both.

I have a free mini-micro current facial on Wednesday at 9am.  The woman who does them is insanely busy with clients and all she does is micro-current facials.  It’s inspiring me to want to add them to the menu at work, ergo, I’m falling in love with it’s potential.  Inspired for growth!

I received a coupon for a free micro-current facial during an open house at a yoga studio I attended a few months back.

And so I’m going on Wednesday to see what they’re like and to snoop around to see how she has everything set up.  Does she wear gloves?  Do I need a bright light to put in people’s faces like with dentists?  What brand of equipment does she use?

So much to do in 15 minutes…..

After I get a general idea of what I need, I’m going to set up my room similar to how she’s got it and post a job for an esthetician who has a micro-current facial certificate.  If they’re not certified, I’ll pay half of their tuition for the two day course as long as they’re willing to work at least 20 hours a week.  The total cost of the course is $450.  They get $17 an hour when they have a client and $10 for when they don’t.

I have to hold off on getting my machine because if I have to send an esthetician to school to get trained, I’ll be approved for the student discount (I already called and asked) and the $4,000 that the machine costs will be slightly less.

So it’s a wash for me if the esthetician is trained or not, either way I’ll save money.  I’ll save money on the machine with the student discount and if they’re already trained, I’ll save money by not needing to train them.

I’m not waiting a couple months until I save enough money.  I’m doing it all now.  The money will come.

In the meantime, my finances are in the red zone.  At least for three days they are.  The total amount of money in the bank is a meager $5,633.  But that’s after I paid rent, and before I bulk charged my member clients.  I’m also receiving a check for over $400 from the Record Journal, Groupon is sending me $3000 on the 20th for tripling the amount of groupons I sell, I’m still making a steady $100 a day with random services and gift certs as long as snow doesn’t screw things up.  This time next month I’ll be in good shape, at least, I won’t be negative than what I’ve started with this month.

Anyway, I think I’m done writing for today.  I’m worried about my client not responding to the email I sent him.  God I hope he doesn’t show up.

My brothers spa is closed today and he’s watching scary movies with his girlfriend on the couch.  I don’t feel bad not going in because if other places are closed, I’m closed too.

And now I shall retire for the rest of the day and play….DUN dun DUN;  South Park, the stick of truth.  It’s hilarious.  I’m sad to say that I’d rather stay in playing video games than go outside and take a fun refreshing ride on the snow mobile.  Kids today…..80’s babies are wiggedy wack.

 

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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Strange & Unusual, Uncategorized

Here’s a transfixed ramble before I leave for Thailand tonight!

I woke up last night at 3 A.M feeling like I had to throw up.

“Why do I have to throw up?  I haven’t drank anything.”

Then a mini thunder storm erupted in my bowels.

“What did I eat?”

I wanted to get up, but couldn’t.  Every muscle felt weak.  All I could do was lay in bed and decide on whether I wanted to puke or to shit.  Then I realized I’d have to do both sooner or later and I wondered which one will happen first.  Which one I had the least control over.  And that was shit.

I shit like I never shit before.  Then I brushed my teeth because it was 3 A.M and I had morning mouth already – I threw up while I was brushing my teeth.

And so I brushed again.

But man I was sick.  Dizzy, out of breath, brain malfunctioning, black spots.

I couldn’t stand for more than a minute without needing to sit down.

Why?  From half a malaria pill that’s why!  I went online and read the side-effects and one of them were seizures – seizures!  I knew in my heart of hearts that what I was feeling (brain malfunctioning, light-headedness, black spots), are all symptoms leading up to a seizure.  I just knew, you know?  So yeah, no more malaria pills for this girl.  I’ll take my chances with the bugs.

The exhaustion I felt yesterday was impenetrable.  I couldn’t watch tv without feeling sick – I couldn’t listen to my audiobook.  Have you ever felt that sick?

It’s now the next day.  I missed my window to go to the Thai embassy in NY so I’m hoping they’ll still let me on the plane to Thailand.

My stomach is gurgling.  I have a client coming in an hour and a half.

It’s a few days later.  One day away from Thailand and omg…..

OMG!

I underwent a series of events yesterday all leading up to a new understanding about life.  It was incredible.  It all started with my new employee when she spelled the word “does” wrong.

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I cringed at the sight of it.

“There’s a reason why I didn’t hire her in the first place.”

The way my brain operates is, I try to see all sides of a situation before my judgements blind me from seeing truth.  I won’t go into too much detail, but I was once again brought to the conclusion that whatever you believe about a person, you will find.  You’ll keep finding truth to your judgements until that person’s own belief about themselves rises to meet your challenge.

If you dumb yourself down, holding back judgement, in a way, that person you’re holding judgment from will never evolve.  Placating people is a means to enable them.  And when you enable a person – nobody has any power.  It’s a stalemate and an egoic feeding frenzy that circulates back and forth into a spiral.  Placating is not diplomatic, it’s conforming – conceding.  Nobody wins.

I usually close my eyes and say to myself, “all will be well.”  I try not to judge and instead, close my eyes.  If I didn’t close my eyes, nobody will ever like me.  Trust me, they wouldn’t.

“You meant to say “does”, right?”

But what it comes down to is this; (when you’re not enabling stupid behavior and you’re being forthright in your assessments) if their power of belief about themselves overcasts your initial assessment of them, they become worthy of respect.  And since we all judge people from our own perspectives and values, what we believe about someone may be completely opposite of what someone else see’s in them.

The thing I value most is intelligence.  Lack of intelligence is the only thing that annoys me about people.  Feeling annoyed is a subtle branch of anger and hatred.  It’s placing blame to avoid having to deal with our own issues. If we accept people for who they are, this annoyance towards them disappears (it taken me 11 years to realize this).  However, when their behavior affects you in a way where you can’t accept it, remaining passive with your eyes closed will not benefit anyone.

It is more compassionate and giving to express your anger rather than holding onto it.  Expressing anger to someone who upset you is the more compassionate choice.

Since I judge people based on their intelligence, I have absolute power over anyone who annoys me for the sole reason that I don’t care what they think about me.

“Prove to me that you’re not an idiot.  I don’t need to prove anything to you because if an idiot thinks I’m an idiot, it cancels itself out.”

Why do I feel the need to close my eyes during all this?  Because it’s the easy thing to do.  But the right thing to do is most often the hardest.

Expressing our values in a show of annoyance, blame, and judgement – exposes our truest selves.  And the most pig-headed people have no awareness of their truest selves – even while exposing themselves to the wolves.

To find out what you value most, look to see what makes you angry and annoyed – it’s there where you’ll find it.

A dangerous value to have is believing that you’re always right.  By having this value, anytime someone opposes you, you will get defensive and angry.  You can end up running from the truth, and running from yourself.  All mental illness stems from avoiding truth.

Believing that you are always right is a trait of a superficial survivalist who will suffer a mental melt down if their perspective is challenged.  Why?  Because if the world they constructed is wrong, nothing will ever make sense again.  Their foundation is gone.  The void of emptiness (the bad kind), swallows them whole.  Admitting when you’re wrong without experiencing emotions of anger, annoyance, or embarrassment, is the trait of a truly strong person.  A person with faith, not fear.

I also value humility.  I know this for sure because I loathe narcissists – well, we are all narcissists but there’s a scale on how bad we can be.  The more validation you need, the higher you are on the scale.  The stronger our sociopathic traits (we are all sociopaths too), the further up you go.

Ayahuasca told me that we are all worthy of equal respect, but here in the physical realm where the ego is inescapable and spiritual evolution is our only goal – the spirit laws don’t apply here.  Only in death do they apply.

It’s all part of the game.

Growth and belief.  You grow and your perception widens – you’re able to understand more.  Expressing our value’s to others is a way for us to evolve.  You contribute nothing while placating and keeping your eyes shut.

This idea taken me to my own life.  My own growth process.

Up until, oh I don’t know…..YESTERDAY, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.  I didn’t know what made me truly happy.  Since I was a kid, I wanted and fantasized about every career under the sun.  Then I found my business which brought me direction and goals – but are my present goals really what my heart wants?

Rational brain – “You’re only happy when others are happy.”

Yeah but it’s not lasting.  It’s transient.  Who am I in-between those laughs?  Who am I when a friend carries with them a heavy heart?

Rational brain – “Everything is transient and meaningless.  Leave the in-between part for growth and possibilities.  Never cement yourself.

In the grand scope of things yes, life is transient and meaningless.  I agree that’s it’s improbable and unwise to be happy all of the time.  But It’s about having a foundation – one that is built upon seeing and experiencing my own potential….

A few hours later…..

DAmn I’m drunk.

I trained my new therapist, went to my brothers holiday party and then to a friends house and now I’m here at home drunk wanting to sleep.

I was onto something fierce before.  A good ol’ fashioned head squashing.  But now it’s 2 A.M and I want to watch Japanese anime like the freak-show that I am.  I’m eating left over steak.  Hunter X Hunter is the Japanese anime if you’re wondering.  I’m HOOKED.  I’m being completely honest here when I say this show is amazing.  Why the hell do I like this shit so much?  It’s not normal!  I don’t just like it, I LOVE it!

My brother had a holiday party at his spa tonight.  He had a party last year if you care to scroll back to read about it.  Here’s a pick of me and my folks:

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I love these people more than words can explain.  I cradle their heads in my hands and kiss their cheeks every night wishing them a good-night before I head downstairs to my domicile.  I break out in cold sweats whenever my mother walks on icy terrain.  I cry silent tears when my father can’t write his own name with his shaking hand.

OMG I love my parents.  So much so that it hurts, you know?  It’s this side of me that’s both my weakness and my strength.  The side that I hide from everybody, but eventually I’m sure it leaks out and once it does, it’s viewed only as weakness.  Insurmountable love.  A sentimentality that stagnates and circles around like a little eddie.  Never to venture off into the blue unknown.  That’s what love is.  It’s the familiar, the net.  It’s what enables you.

Both weakness and strength…

Oh man, yesterdays epiphany was awesome but it’s gone now.  If I weren’t so busy earlier I could’ve captured the remnants of it.  But I leave tomorrow for Thailand so there’s no time.  I must post this unfinished thought.

Shit….

So much left unsaid.

I went to visit my best friend in Minnesota for Thanksgiving last week.  Here’s a video to capture the moments.  Held safe here in my memory bank blog for all the world to see.

I’m so tired.  I’m leaving tomorrow at 2 A.M.  My computer screen is so bright.  I gotta get some zzzz….

It’s now the next day.  I’m beyond tired.  I was so hungover this morning and slept for about 4 hours before having to go to work to give a massage and hand out Christmas cards to my employee’s.  They each got $50 and the 3 girls working today all gave me big hugs and wished me well on my trip.

This trip feels destined.  Like I was never not meant to go.

I need to nap big time, finish packing, take a shower before I leave and that’s it.  Then it’ll mostly be video blogs for the next 36 days.

And so my hero’s journey continue’s….

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Travel, video's

Miserable Melanie

My crazy aunt and homoscidal cousin are back here living with us again.  My happiness lasted for about a day and a half….

Damn hard day today was.

I had to go into work early for a client I never massaged before.  He was a man with a Groupon – he bought his massage from an online deal site and if I had one of my therapists massage him, it would’ve only cost me $3.

I pay my therapists $10 when they don’t have any clients, and $13 an hour for online deal clients (I know it sounds cheap, but we’re not massaging many deal clients anymore).

So, I went into work and saved myself $3.  I resented being there – I loathed it.  I was only there because of a technical malfunction.  He was a big black man with thick dreads and he kept his shorts on so I couldn’t massage anything above the knee (because his shorts were in the way), he didn’t want to put his head in the face cradle which made it hard for me to massage his neck and shoulders – and he wanted his abdomen massaged.  His thick dreads got in the way of massaging his neck.  Basically it sucked.  He was really nice though…

When the 60-minutes were up and I told him his massage was over, he looked up at me and said, “I thought I had 90 minutes?”

I’m the one who booked the appointment and there was no mention of it being 90-minutes.

Damn.  I massaged him all over again in a half-hour.  He liked it though, so that’s what’s important.

I worked a lot this week and kept reminding myself that starting next week, my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays for me.  I’ll be free.  I always think I’ll be free, but no matter how many therapists I got working for me, I seem to always get booked.

I went home after massaging Mr. Dreadlocks and watched some TV and tried to relax without letting my crazy aunt and cousin eat at me little by little with running water and weird OCD grunts and my aunt saying “I love you, I’ll be right there” to her 45 year old son plugging up his ears and humming to himself – no he has no mental retardation.

“I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.”  I opened my laptop to look at apartments.

“20 more members.  I need 20 more members and I can afford one.”

I started going crazy.  Members.  All I could think about were members.  I need I need, I want I want.  I started spiraling into that dark place of hopelessness.  My whole world revolving around members.

“I need to pay my debt first.  I need more members to pay off my debt.”

“I’m stuck.  I’m stuck here.”

I closed my laptop and took a deep breath and thanked the lord I was going to Thailand.  I thanked the lord for giving me 128 members.  I thanked my new therapist who’ll be taking over Tuesdays and Wednesdays for me.  Thank you thank you thank you!

I went back to work for my last two clients.  One of whom being one of my favorite people to massage.  I made a full recovery out of the spiraling darkness.  How the hell do I do that?  My resilience never ceases to amaze me – seriously!

But then I got smacked in the gut hard with a dagger of a fist.

My new therapist:  “I have to tell you something and it’s not good news, but not horrible either.”

Me:  “Are you pregnant?”

Before she responded to that, I braced myself and remembered to remain calm.  Breathe, just breathe Mel.  Is asking an employee if they’re pregnant considered sexual harassment?  Probably.

New therapist:  “No, I got offered another job with benefits at a hospital and I need to cut my hours.  I can only work Tuesdays starting on the first.”

Me:  “Oh….”

New therapist:  “I feel bad because I asked for all those new hours.”

Is that why you feel bad?  You don’t feel bad because you’re only giving me a weeks notice and I’m going to freaking Thailand in two weeks?!

I didn’t say that, but I was screaming it in my head.  On the exterior, I was calm and understanding.

No no no no oh please god no no no no.

As soon as she left, I went on the schedule and blocked her shifts off before anyone else can book with her online.  Of course she had clients booked up until Dec 22, of course.  And of course she works Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday – why wouldn’t she?  Without her here, I’ll only have one therapist working weeknights for all of December while I’m in Thailand.  And we are BUSY.  We’re actually doing phenomenal here as far as clients and money goes – this month felt like a gift from god monetary wise.  But money means nothing if clients aren’t happy.

“I have to find someone ASAP ASAP!”

I went on zip recruiter to repost my job ad, but my initiation price expired and the price they wanted went up to $100 a month.  WTF zip recruiter?

I grabbed my old pile of job applicants and sifted through them instead.

“no, no, definitely not her, eh, nah, wait who’s this?  Oh yes!  Oh please oh please god….”

I found an application from a girl who applied here in April when we first opened.  I loved her and wanted to hire her but I held back because she didn’t seem confident enough.

I rolled my chair back over to the desktop and typed her up a pleading email.  Well, not horribly pleading, but pleading enough.  I sent it.

I waited 5 minutes.  I waited 10 minutes.  I was just staring at the computer screen.

“That’s all I can do.  I can’t do anything else about it tonight so I should just go home.”

But I didn’t go home, no.  I texted her instead.  She replied with:

IMG_2127

 

And once again, I made a full recovery back into feeling fantastic.  She’s willing to put in her two weeks at her other job tomorrow.  Words can’t explain how thankful I am.

The girl who cut her hours, honestly I didn’t think much of her anyway.  She’s one of those athletic types, you know what I mean?  Running, lifting, drinking kerotine or whatever it’s called.  I don’t get it.  I’m not saying she’s a bad person, just one of those types who have absolutely nothing in common with me.  It’s always the athletic type that I have the least in common with.  It’s weird because I really like karate and I run to my car in parking lots.

The person I have the most in common with?  My 22 year old puerto rican male therapist.  I adore him!  He ran track in high school, but he did it for fun because he thought he was the fasted kid ever.  We discuss video games and how much we don’t like dating.  And he has a true bona-fide love for people just like I do.  I can see it just by the way he treats people – he really cares.  He treats old people with genuine kindness.  Not to mention he’s a goldmine as far as clients re-booking with him goes.

Male therapist:  “We’re like the same person you and me, it’s scary.”

Me:  “Ha ha, I know!”

This new girl I’m hiring, I feel like she’ll be a narcissistic supply for me, you know what I mean?  One of those people who feeds ego’s.  All my other employee’s make me feel good about myself, sure, but then you meet someone who looks up to you and they hang on your every word more so than normal.  It’s not about love, but admiration and inferiority.

When something inspires you, it’s because you want to find that same hidden gift inside yourself.  It’s not real love, but a key.  Once that lock is opened, the love for the thing that once inspired you is gone and you’re left with nothing but love for yourself.  I know this is true, trust me.

And once you’ve opened the gift inside yourself, you want to keep it by never returning the power back to its source, so you push the original owner of the key down into inferiority.  Gaining power is what happens.  Stupid ego…

This is why celebrity gossip can crush a career.  Why oceans of people can tear a person down who once stood so high.  If celebrities, politicians, or any type of leader can make a mistake, that means they’re no better than the rest of us.  All their greatness gets transferred over to the people judging them.   It’s inspiring to know that great people are no better than the rest, so we keep the offenders far below our stilettos until we get inspired by a new target that is far more superior than anyone who has ever lived in our lifetime!  And then of course, ruthlessly crush them when they fail.

Martyr’s…I guess it’s part of our evolutionary process.

Truthfully, ego-feeders annoy me because of this.  But they have no idea what’s going on, so they can’t help it.

Whenever I’m admired I always I have the thought in my head, “find your own, don’t take mine.”  Because that’s what it feels like.  It feels like taking someone else’s gold nuggets without bothering to find your own.

I end up sounding rude, impatient, or being in a generally bad mood.

It’s a good thing I don’t have many admirers.  It’s a shitty thing to be admired.

 

 

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Wabi Sabi

wabisabileaf

wabi sabi

 

I’m going through a period of repose and it reminds me of the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi.  It touches on the three main buddhist teachings of impermanence, suffering, and emptiness.  I suffered, I changed, and what come’s next can be found in the emptiness.

When I go into repose, suffering no longer effects me, my past has passed, I let go and when a person let’s go – the emptiness shines through.  A new cycle begins.  A new direction.

I wrote about my two-seconds with emptiness and without going into too much detail all I can say is WOW.  Possibilities.  Infinite possibilities.

Sinshwan:  The only viable move is to not move.

That’s what I feel while in repose.  To not do anything until I gather enough faith to see it out.  To me personally, visualizing an outcome is in exact proportion to your faith.  Until I have a clear visual – sinshwan bitches.  Sinshwan till my little hearts content.

I’m now up to 121 members which means I’ll have an extra $1,000 added to my monthly budget.  I sent out one email promoting the membership deal and it sold 17 memberships.  My suffering can no longer affect me, I can take a deep breath – now I must incubate.

I am the picture of a working Wabi Sabi.

wabi sabi

I’m like grass.  I grow, I prosper, but just as I start to really reach, someone comes by swinging their big blade around and chops my head off.

In the meantime, the tall grass sits on their sunny perch looking down at me bowing their heads.  “Don’t reach too far Melanie.”  They all say.  At least not yet.  Not while your vision is still incubating.

I’ve been incubating all day and you know what?  There’s no place I’d rather be than here in my room.  Seriously, no place.

Which makes me wonder why exactly, am I going to Thailand for 5 weeks when I can see and learn all about it from here?  From the safety and comfort of home?

Oh yeah, emotional connections.  Learning through experience.  I can practice Wabi Sabi all I want when I get back, only this time aged and changed to fit my new scale of beauty.  A bit more ragged and refined.

Learning without having an emotional experience is like having two hands grow out of your heart trying to feel itself but never being able to.  Just like a blade of grass getting its head chopped off.  You’ll never see or understand anything.  You MUST experience it through emotions.

You must sit.  Then experience.  Than sit some more.  Each cycle is necessary.  Each cycle no matter how redundant it may feel like to you, is a necessary step.

Waitressing from the ages of 18 – 28, necessary.  Working at Massage Envy – necessary.  Working in my own little stink-hole office – necessary.  After each leap, there is a fall.  There is a period of rest.  Some leaps require more time to climb while some rests require more time to sit.

And with each new vision, the clarity of that vision is in exact proportion to how well you can clearly define yourself.  How well and how authentic your actions fit in with your truest intentions.  To know faith is to know yourself.  It’s no easy task.  Trust me, it taken 10 years of waitressing for me to realize what my truest intentions were;  To drink and be merry.  But as it is with all dreamers, I was never content.  I knew something was missing but I never sat still long enough to figure out what it was.  I was always being pulled either by friends, or an empty wallet.

In a few weeks my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays which leaves Saturdays and Sundays as the only two days I have to work each week.  All clients during the week will be by request only.  In two – three months, I’ll have at least 150 members and once I reach 150 members, I can play out my vision.  My vision in which my little business will tip itself into success.  It starts with hiring a sixth employee to work my weekends.  I’ll be free.  Free enough to see even more visions.

When you take yourself out of stress, out of work, out of responsibilities, only then you’ll start to think clear.

If you’re broke, have no money – you’ll not think clear.  If you pity yourself, feel inferior, are jealous of others – you’ll not think clear.

Thinking clear means finding your faith and it feels a lot like falling in love.  You fall in love with your potential.  You see yourself plainly.  And if you don’t like what you see, you have the sight to see it and change it.

I’ve always been in love with myself.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve always loved myself.  I love who I am.  I don’t know what it’s like to feel any other way, so I can’t teach anyone to love themselves when I don’t know what it’s like not to.

But I do have high’s and low’s.  When a low hits, it’s because I stopped trusting myself.  I stopped seeing my potential.  My dreams remain in an untouched fantasy world and my head gets chopped off by people’s judgements along with my own self pity.  Waitressing for 10 years left me with a perpetual headless corpse of a dreamer unfulfilled.

But no matter what happens to me, I’ll always find my faith again.  Always.  I mean, that’s what faith is for, right?  Always being there?

People give up because they think it’s too late for them, or too much work, not enough reward.  Let me just tell you, from all my years as a headless corpse – follow you damn heart and quit ur bitchen.

And until you have a clear visual, sinshwan mutha fucka sinshwan.

Sinshwan is where the biggest changes happen.  As long as you know how to do it properly.  The way to do it is said in this post.  The totality of this post is the way into understanding transitional periods of incubation.  A real turning of the chapter, you know?

It’s hard for me to say that 10 years of my life can fit into one chapter.  But where there is no change, there is no need for incubation.  Where there is no heart, there is no mend.  Where there is no faith, there is no awareness of yourself.  And where there’s no awareness of yourself, there’s no reflection, no understanding, no conscious development.  Drink and be merry.  Stay busy.

What’s in my head is so freaking hard to put into words.  But I swear as if my life depends on it – authenticity and awareness of character is the center of courage, where it all begins.

Know your heart.

And my heart just so happens to be taking me to Thailand with a beautiful person in less than a month.

The ground evaporates under me and mists into cascading flowers floating all around.

That’s what it feels like to follows one’s own heart.

 

 

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Another 3 AM Bolg Post

Garg I’m so tired! And all that bullshit I wrote about in my last post is completely irrelevant now. I have flipped, not tipped (into success), but flipped onto my backside like a turtle. I need a rope.

Rational brain: “Okay calm down. What’s wrong this time?”

Taxes are what’s wrong. Taxes are killing me!

Rational brain: “Haven’t you anticipated this?”

No! I mean, yes. But mostly no! It’s because of my employee’s. Now that they’re working so much, my taxes tripled since August. Tripled!

Taxes have the potential of ending my business. What appeared to be a perfectly good business plan, shot to pieces by Uncle Sam’s buckshot.

Rational brain: “Than it was never a perfectly good business plan, was it?

Shut up shut up SHUT UP.

Okay, calm down and think Mel….Think.

All the online deals I sold at the beginning of this business are expiring this month. So we are swamped and trampled on by last-minute redeemers. I can’t sell any more online deals to quell this unprecedented tax increase because we would be so backed up – Groupon debt is what I call it. Groupon debt is when I sell a bunch of deals, use up all the money I acquired from those deals before they get redeemed, and I’m left with 300 or so patrons with thirsty bodies needing…kneeding. And not a dime left to pay my employee’s with.

Rational brain: “Go to sleep. You can’t do anything about it now. Listen to The Secret and go to sleep.”

The Secret isn’t getting me through this panic. I’m flummoxed. And I can’t promote my membership program because if I did, those clients wouldn’t be able to book until weeks from now.

Transitioning into phase two (stepping back and letting my employee’s take over) happened too soon. But I literally couldn’t go another day massaging 6 clients a day, 6 days a week – I just couldn’t. My thumb started hurting so bad that I had trouble brushing my teeth. I had to hold my brush all cock-eyed like an ape.

Rational Brain: “Can’t you just wait a few weeks until all these deals get redeemed and/or expire? Then sell a few more once these deals are done and send out an email blast promoting the membership? How many more members do you need to start breaking even?”

73. I need at least 73 more members in order for me to break-even. If I can get 20 more sign-ups, that will take care of my new tax problem, but yeah….I need 73 more overall.

The reason I’m awake is, will I reach 175 members before my well runs dry?

Please oh please oh please God.

Rational brain: “There is no God, remember? There is only you.”

Don’t you dare get me started on that debate. How can you even say that?

Rational brain: “Ayahuasca told you to have faith in yourself. You can’t have faith in God if you don’t even have faith in yourself.”

Cripes….

Rational brain: “It’s part of our spiritual evolution….”

Got it.

Rational brain: “Once we discover our own potential and capabilities – we’ll have belief, not faith, but belief in ourselves and….”

Oh my god CAN it already I got it!

Rational brain: “….we’ll see that God is us.”

So there IS no God then.

Rational brain: “Okay, let’s not discuss this tonight. Save it for your Ecuador post.”

Shit my Ecuador post….It’s so far in the past now.

It is October 9th, 2014 and I am struggling. I need to sell 73 more memberships, or make at least $125 a day. Today I made $44 and it was only in tip money. This is why I’m awake. I have shotty plans but no “savior” idea’s. And lord know’s I need a savior right now. If it’s only me throwing myself a rope, I’m afraid I’ll use it to hang myself with.

Rational brain: “Stop being so god-dammed dramatic. Just last week you were beaming from ear to ear and shouting that you were on top of the world, don’t you remember?”

I have 7 as my life path number in numerology. 7’s have extreme high’s and low’s. We are also the loner number, the rebels.

Rational brain: “Puh-lease.”

You’re not being very rational tonight, Rational Brain.

Rational brain: “Please go to sleep. Go to sleep and not publish this post? Please?”

Ah I got it!

Rational brain: “Got what?”

I’m having a low. Yes that’s it. That’s all. It should not be mistaken for clarity, when in fact I’m just going through a low. It’s transient and meaningless.

Rational brain: “Um, okay….So you can go to sleep now because you figured everything out then.”

Yeah.

It’s now the next day.

I woke up so tired. Zombie tired. I massaged two older men who adore me, then ran my errands as quickly as possible so I can go home and nap. I Dropped off and picked up sheets, I finally threw a mammoth bag of garbage that’s been sitting in my bedroom into a dumpster. Went to CVS to buy super glue and then walked next door to the packie so I could prepare myself for tomorrow night with 6 cans of Bud Light. Shit….Tomorrow night….

And no matter where I went today while being in zombie mode – I swear I felt I massaged everyone I came across. The woman standing in front of me at CVS – I massaged her – the woman coming out of the package store – yes I massaged her too. I don’t even need to touch a person to know what it would feel like. Everyone looked familiar today. Just like when I’m stoned, I feel like I know everyone.

Today we made $180, but we’re averaging $105. I’m supposed to be making $125 a day. $20 X 30 days is $600 which means I’ll be short $600 this month if this keeps up.

Shit, why am I telling you all this? It’s not like you care or anything. I’m in it alone. There is no God.

Rational brain: “Would you please stop with that nonsense! And what are you still doing up? It’s 12:24 AM and you never even taken your nap. Sleep damn you!”

When I got home earlier today I started playing The Last of Us. It’s a zombie game. Highly addicting. I know this sounds crazy but….

Rational brain: “When do you not sound crazy?”

The game is helping me conquer my fear. Fear in general. Some parts are insanely creepy, the graphics are phenomenal – you’re playing a man who’s guarding a little girl and at any minute a clicker can run out and with one bite CHOMP you’re dead, or she’s dead. It makes my heart race not to mention my sloppy knee-jerk gameplay reactions. But I’m overcoming it in a way that can be applied to real life.

It’s a lot like that nightmare I had a while back. Let me try to find it because it’s a really good post…hold on…here it is.

Once you’re completely aware of your surroundings and mastered your emotions, you are in full control. It’s all just a matrix anyway, no different from a video game. I experienced the matrix in that night terror, in my video game, and after ingesting ayahuasca of course. But in real life it’s a bit tricky since we’re completely immersed in the ego/fear driven physical reality. We let our emotions tell us what we see. None of it is real.

And since we’re all stuck in the matrix of emotion and thoughts (including other people’s emotions and thoughts), we can’t make choices. We remain unconscious.  You can’t choose what you can’t see.

It’s now October 17. Wow…..for real?

These past few weeks been murder. I was forced into working everyday because of the backload of unredeemed vouchers that were expiring. I’m so tired. My money situation is still in the red zone.

I went to an open house for a yoga studio tonight. There was a woman there doing angel card readings. After my friends had their complimentary readings done, it came my turn. I drew the Earth Angel card. The psychic gave me a huge smile and said, “I love when this happens.”

Me – “Yeah? It’s good then?”

Psychic – “I knew you were one of them before you picked this card.”

Me – “Oh yeah?”

Psychic – “You’re an Earth Angel. You come from a far away place and were brought here to teach us. You had wings before you came here. Are you sensitive?”

Me – “Umm…..sort of.”

Psychic – “Just remember that you’re not alone. There are more of you out there. All with special talents.”

My friend grumbled saying she wanted to draw a new card.

The psychic wrote down a book for me to read all about Earth Angels and how to harness my call to help people. It all starts with me having to protect myself from abuse. Apparently I’m a magnet for abusive, manipulative relationships because I shrug off and allow bad behavior. I’m forgiving and have no boundaries with people. I have to learn boundaries and how to put restraints on how much I give to others. When left unrestrained, they feed off me and take advantage.

Ayahuasca told me I was a martyr……

Before my reading, I listened in on the readings she gave to my friends. She talked about ego and fear and completely nailed them both. I won’t go into it, but once again I found myself in awe of how some people can understand ego and fear so completely, while others are stuck in the “matrix”. This psychic girl had my full-on attention.

Tonight after the open house, we all went to the Fire Place for drinks and well, I don’t know….it’s almost like I don’t need to smoke pot anymore in order for me to see through people. They gossiped about their friends, vied for each others attention. All the while I humbly sat there and had the spot-light on me whether I wanted it or not. It automatically zooms in on me.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired and alone. One guy is trying to date me but he’s everything I hate about people. Arrogant, narcissistic, apathetic and according to tonights gossip, he tried making me jealous by bringing his friend (who’s a girl), to a bonfire I attended. I couldn’t care less.  My heart went out to him because I couldn’t care less.

I hate this side of me. The side that remains emotionally unaffected – detached. I just plain don’t give a shit. It’s this side of me that people see the most – the unemotional side. The side that shrugs, gulps down her beer and grins stupidly. I don’t give a shit – but I love you!

And it’s not a way of protecting myself from getting hurt either – it’s the sincere kind of not giving a shit. It’s not a block (I can feel blocks when they occur), but more like an understanding. I understand too much of what’s happening and because I understand, I stop caring.

Anyway, I hate writing about me.  I’m sure that I’m the apathetic narcissist who thinks she know’s everything – that’s why I loath those qualities in others.  That’s why I can recognize them.  I mean, it’s all right here in my description of myself.  It’s all true.  And I’m the worst of them all because I’m so far removed from everyone that I don’t even care enough to play their games or get emotionally entangled and because my cool exterior can hurt a person – I love them all the more for their humanity.

The more removed I am, the more I love people.  I can’t explain it any better than that.

I’m really transfixed tonight.  I need to stop writing.

I wasn’t going to publish this post, but it’s been so long since I shared anything.  It has to go up.  Saved into my memory bank blog.

I just looked up what it means to be an Earth Angel.  It said I’m a light being who is meant to stop people from being fearful.

Holy shit dude.

A few weeks ago I was explaining to a friend of mine my definition of karma and how I learned it’s true meaning after drinking ayahuasca.

Karma is made from fear.  If you’re fearful about something, the thing you’re most afraid of happening, will happen.  If you do bad things and bad things happen to you, the reason why you do bad things in the first place is out of fear.  Fearful actions cause bad karma.  We are all here to rid ourselves of fear by means of the ego.  The ego is fear itself, only disguised under a different interpretation.  Lose the ego, you lose the fear and immediately you’re sent into enlightenment.

But because we’re all connected, we can only evolve together – just like ayahuasca said.  Whoever claims to be enlightened is full of shit.  Ayahuasca said enlightenment is not sustainable in the physical world.

“Don’t believe in false prophets” is just one of the many undeciphered quotes from the bible that nobody understands its true meaning to.  ALL prophets are false.  We are all the sons of god – and believe it or not, according to the bible, Jesus was trying to drill that into our thick skulls.

OH man I’m really transfixed.  I NEED to sleep.  And now it’s 3 AM dammit.

My friend loved my interpretation of karma so much so that she had me explain it all over again to her friend tonight.  And me being the narcissist that I am, I’m driven completely by this need to share my “wisdom”.  I get off on it.

I’m brewing a new breed of egocentricity.  The sparkly guru who drinks beer and shrugs everything off.

Okay, enough self-love for one night.  Bitch gotta get her winks.

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There is no snake

A snake slithered into my dream the other night. He was violent, vicious. Without hesitation, I tried grabbing him by its head.  “It’s the only way,” I thought to myself, “for it to stop biting.”

But the more I grabbed for him, the harder he bit me. I physically felt the sting of his fangs.

I knew that if I didn’t capture him right then and there, I’d have to live in fear.  Anticipating his next move.  Not only that, but I was already bitten.  If he was poisonous, then I had nothing to lose – the poison was already in me. To stop now meant that all those previous bites served no purpose. To run now, expelling the poison, healing myself, only to get bit later on, will cause the process to happen again and again.  Attack.  Pain.  Heal.  Attack.  Pain.  Heal.

Walking away was not the strong choice, but the cowardice choice.  Choosing fear means to live with it.

And so I decided to capture him.  No matter how much it hurt, I chose courage over fear.

And I did end up catching him in the end.  I grabbed him by his head and watched his jaw unhinge baring watery fangs that shot poison at me like water guns.

I’m not sure if poison actually shoots out of fangs, but in my dream it did.

He flailed in my grasp.  The poison in me was gone.  The snake could no longer harm me.

I woke up and looked my hand over to make sure it had no bites on it.  No bites, but it felt sore.  I had a lingering ghost pain that was all in my head.

Damn my dreams….. Ever so vivid.  Blood, puncture wounds, real pain.  My brain is so damn powerful.

What does it mean?

Sometimes you can’t choose your battles.  Nobody chooses what snakes bite them.

“So basically your dream is telling you to seize your fears by their head, correct?”

Yup.

“And by walking away is in fact, the weaker choice?”

Uh huh that’s right.

“Can’t you see that both choices are not actually choices at all?”

Please don’t over-think and complicate things. You know how seriously I take my dreams.

“Hear me out for a second, I think I’m on to something.”

What-ev buddy, it’s late and I need sleep.

“In both cases you’re letting fear govern your actions.  They’re not self-aware or realized choices – they are not awake choices.”

You’re not sounding like my normal snarky rational brain.  What’s with you tonight?

“It feels to me like it doesn’t matter.  Whether you walk away or you don’t, it doesn’t matter.  There will always be another snake, you know?  If you really want to grab fear by its head, you’ll have to grab fear itself, and not the thing you’re afraid of.  There is no snake.  There is no fear.”

I hate to do this to you, but I need sleep.  You’re not acting like your normal self.  We’ll talk more about it tomorrow.

“Right.”

Seriously though, you’re sounding crazy.

“Okay okay goodnight.”

****************************

It’s a couple days later and I’m laying in bed completely exhausted.  I want to hide away from the world.  Am I depressed or legitimately tired?  Tired.  Definitely tired.  And okay, maybe a little depressed.

I saw my tarot reader today, the Wise Woman.  She was at the Guilford Renaissance fair.  She told me that money will soon come and I’m better off than I think.

It’s just that…… I’M SO FREAKING TIRED!

I’m working a lot now so I won’t have to work anymore later, but I’m missing everything in the meantime.  I’m missing the here and now – my LIFE.  Those buckets I wrote about a few days ago – that’s all true.  Totally true.  Even when I’m here, or out in the world socializing, I’m not here exactly – you know?  It’s like I need more time.  Just a little more time for myself.

The tarot reader today told me that I needed a place to go to be alone.  But being alone won’t pay for my $4,000 in monthly bills.  Being alone won’t empty my buckets.  It’s not just about having time alone, it’s about finding contentment.

This is how everybody lives; First money, then love.  First fix your life to avoid worry, then find your passion, find your voice.  It can’t be found at the bottom of a worry bucket.

The Wise Woman also told me that I’m battling what’s important in life.  Love or money – the two cards intersected each other portraying a conflict of interest.

It’s only been three months since I decided to expand my business.  I’ve been open now for a little over a month.  But in those three months, I’ve done nothing but work, worry, and spend money.  I HATE spending money.  And where’s my blog in all this?  I need to write.  I don’t want to, I need to.  At least just a little. But I can’t (this post has taken me weeks to write).

There is only DO, not try, do.  And I’m choosing money over love.  Snakes everywhere.

Okay, I gotta go. Thanks for the chat.

“But what about our discussion about the snakes?  When I said there is no fear, there are no snakes?”

Oh yeah, about that…..

“Well?”

It’s a faith thing.  We fear because we worry and we worry because we lack faith.  Courageous people tackle their fears in order to rid them and in return, they gain confidence and faith in themselves.  It’s just that everybody either runs, or they forget everything.  They forget how amazing they are.  Plus, being that we’re all interconnected and can only evolve together, we’re stuck battling everyone else’s fears.  We’re entangled in everyone else’s shit until we wake the EFF up and make the connections.  Seeing the connections, how our fear meshes with other people’s, that’s when we wake up.

All of us have snakes because we all lack faith.  This is why we’re here, to learn faith.  It can’t be learned while running and forgetting.

“So you still believe then, that walking away is the cowards choice?”

Yes.  Absolutely.  Walking away, living in denial, any type of escape, to me, is cowardly.

“What about the power of letting go?  Ayahuasca made a huge stink about it, don’t you remember?  Or are you too stubborn and living in your own denial?”

Denial is not the same as letting go.  Finding ways to distract yourself is not the same as letting go.  Letting go can only happen with compassion, and most of the world is bereft of it.  If we felt compassionate towards the snake, if we understood him, we’ll have nothing to fear from him.  If he attacks, we’ll be able to understand his pain – his fear.  It’s the snakes fear, not our own, that causes us to run, to judge, to hate.

“So in a sense, we become the snake?”

Exactly!

“Alright, I have no more arguments. Only, how do you stop the pain from the attack?  Even if you are compassionate and understanding, how do you stop from bleeding?”

Once you’re compassionate enough, the sting won’t hurt.  The snake loses his power to harm you.  That is of course, speaking metaphorically about the snake.  As long as you’re living in fear, the sharper the snakes fangs are to bite you with.  The only snakes that attack are the ones attracted to your fear (karma).  You can’t let go of your fear without confronting it.  And while you’re confronting it, it WILL bite the hell out of you.

“When does it stop biting and hurting you?”

When you find its truth.  When you make the connections, see the entanglement.  And in most cases, it lies in our weaknesses.  The strong understand and confront truth while the weak lash their fangs and defend.

“Which one are you Melanie?  You’re running from a future of work, you fear failure, being a loser, an embarrassment.  Do you think somehow that fear can transform you into greed?  Into becoming a snake yourself?”

I can’t say.  Telling myself that it won’t, may just be denial.  Adhering to any belief, narrows my perception in a way where I can’t see my own truth and if I can’t see my own truth, I’ll be bereft of self-compassion, bereft of compassion for others.

“A simple yes or no would’ve sufficed.”

I wanted to end this post long ago, nothing is ever simple for me.

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It’s now about a week later.  I woke up today and checked my email to find yet another person asking me for a job.  I get a few a these emails a week, only this time it’s different.  This time, he’s a young guy.

Not only is he a young male, but also cute (I found him on Facebook).  Ironically his name just happens to be Adonis.

A young, attractive male therapist is a very hot commodity for any massage clinic.  I called him and left him a message on his voicemail.  I hope to hear back.

I have a long hefty list of To Do’s today and it’s already rolling into 4:30 and I still haven’t left the house.  My one day off, the only day I can get things done – the only day I have to rest and recoup is spent editing a blog post that pretty much nobody will understand while carrying these damn buckets of To Do lists and hoping Adonis will call and rescue me.

The notebook I use to write down blog idea’s is overflowing.  Nothing’s getting done, nothing’s getting written, nothing is escaping my brain to turn into pink permanent butterflies flittering on the inter-web never to be forgotten by me again.

I’m forgetting things, forgetting myself.  Well, I’m forgetting everything except for that looming $4,000 I have to pay every month.  Is hiring another employee really a good decision Mel?  You’re not a damn accountant.

 

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Another Adventure Into My Head

Ugh, I had another panic attack.

The build (the trace beginnings of the attack) happened when I was depositing money at the ATM – the second day in a row, over $200.

“This is fantastic!  This whole business venture just might work.”

I went home and stared at my accounting chart.  Last week I was negative $359, and this week I’m positive $143.  All my clients today, both new and existing, sounded interested in the membership program, and a new client rebooked for a couples massage next month.  My employee’s are happy and hard working, my goal of reaching 60 members is daunting, but not unfathomable.

My employee has her first full paying client tomorrow – a returning client who specifically requested her.  That puts $58 dollars in my pocket, but only $17 in hers.  My morals are ping-ponging back and forth with wondering how fair this is.

“That’s highway robbery!” Versus, “I paid her $520 these past two weeks for having no clients.  Putting $58 in my pocket doesn’t come close to closing that gap.”

“What if she gets four full priced clients a week?  She’s going to start closing that gap and you’re going to profit off her.”

Versus,

“But isn’t that the whole point of having employee’s?  This is what we agreed on.  She agreed to this.”

Basically what my panic was all about, was my fear of success.  Not just my fear of success, but vilifying my means of obtaining it.  Is it right?  Is it moral?  If it’s so easy, something must be wrong with it.

I can literally feel a physical blockage.  One that doesn’t believe, one that doubts its realism.  With 60 memberships, I can stop taking new clients and only massage members.  60 memberships and my business will be stable enough to run on its own.  60 memberships and I can open a new location….etc.

Not to mention all those full paying clients – the one’s that I don’t personally have to massage.

Snowball effect.  The hardest roll is the first one.  The first 60 members…The first return clients….

If I had 60 members, I would be positive $843 this week in pure unadulterated spending money.  But it’s not that easy, is it?  Nothing can be that easy, right?  If it’s so easy, why isn’t’ everyone doing it?

Another reason for my panic is due to imbibing tea, coffee, and my nicotine e cig.  It’s 2 AM and I can’t sleep.  My panic attack peaked around midnight, I drank a ton of water (I learned from experience that dehydration plays a huge role), and now I can’t stop going to the bathroom.

During my panic, I speculated that it might have something to do with having a PH imbalance.  If our bodies are more acidic than alkaline, would that activate an emotional or mental imbalance as well?

I immediately bought PH strips on Amazon so I can test my urine and bought a book about alkaline diets.

What are you doing Mel, you’re crazy….

Shhhh, shhhhh…..I’m fine.

Then I decided I wanted to be a naturopathic physician and so I Googled how I can become one.

Eight years….med degree…..internships…. expensive schooling….not enough time in life, there’s never enough time.

I went back to thinking about my business.  Wanting to put together an iMovie skit with me and my two employee’s acting to the theme of Charlie’s Angels.  Whipping out our massage bottles like guns, talking on the phone to “Charlie”, all three of us posing at the end in that iconic, memorable stance.

“It’ll be perfect for YouTube, my website, Pinterest, Yelp, FaceBook!  It’ll get us more likes and more notice!”

So many idea’s….stop idea’s….just…. stop…..

“I can do massage bombs!  Ask clients to like me on Facebook and once a month I’ll send a Massage Bomb to one lucky liker for half-off their next massage!”

Brilliant.  Brilliant.

I ran to the bathroom for the 15th time while trying not to disturb my brother and his girlfriend asleep on the fold out couch.  I envisioned what that conversation would be like.

My brother – “What’s wrong with you?  Why are you going to the bathroom so much?”

Me – “I had a panic attack so I drank a lot of water.”

Zugzwang.  The only viable move is no move.

Nothing seems viable.  Nothing seems real – all is too fantastic – too grandiose.  Too perfect.  Shall I not make a move?  Or should I go on ahead?  Continue down this unknown path?

There is indeed a fear of success.  It demonizes you, demoralizes you, shreds your conscience into oblivion.  The only thing that makes sense, the only way to earn it, to deserve it, is to work hard – extremely hard!  That’s the only way I can eliminate the fear.  That black void, the plague, the plaque that corrodes my selfless fibers.

Work hard until I resurface once again at the beginning.  It’ll just be one big cycle, a loop of never-ending hard work and struggle all because I don’t believe it can be that easy.  If it’s so easy, why isn’t everybody doing it?

 

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