Category Archives: Self help

Conscious Speech

The first step into speaking mindfully is to not get emotionally attached to your, well, emotions.

Can’t be done?  Think of it like this; you can spread your emotional marmalade all over a crispy cracker, but you don’t have to actually eat the cracker.

I’m listening to my meditation audiobook and it’s telling me not to get emotionally involved with what my brain is doing.  Eating crackers was the best analogy I came up with.

See it but don’t indulge – don’t satisfy your craving for emotionally charged hormones because that’s all they really are, a way to get your fix.

And boom, you’re in control.  You’re out of the loop.  As long as you let yourself experience the emotional marmalade without seeking answers to fix them, you’ve dislodged yourself from being controlled by them.

The second thing you must do is to realize that nothing is ever about you.  Don’t think of yourself while conversing or confronting, aka, eating the cracker (see first step).  The minute you start indulging in yourself and your “entitled” needs is the precise time you lose conscious, meaningful speech (and thought).

It’s not about you, it’s about the whole.

Always think about the other person or people.  And in doing so, you end up creating exactly who you want to be.  And you become a conscious person not being controlled by emotional needs.  You can see past yourself.

When people tell you to “just be yourself,” conscious thought brings you to this.  To just be yourself means to see past yourself and realize there is no “you”, only the you you want to be.

This involves knowing who you’re not.  It’s not about knowing who you are, but knowing what kind of person you’re not.

There’s actually a name for this.  A few religions include the art of subtraction in their teachings.  Christians call it Via Negative, the negative path.  In Hindu they call it Neti-neti which means “not this, not that.”

I know all this because I lived it.  I taken myself out of the equation and focused all of my attention/empathy on the person I was speaking with.  And the art of subtraction, I learned that on my own in high school when I came to the conclusion that there is no “me”, no set personality.  I had to subtract in order to define.

I was seeing past myself for a very long time until my crazy aunt and OCD cousin moved in, I ran into some trouble, financially and emotionally – I felt trapped and I lost myself.  I indulged on eating those emotional marmalade crackers until my teeth rotted out in my dreams.

When you’re in the hole, you become scared and cling to comfort.  You avoid truth.  You indulge in addictions which includes eating the crackers, trying to find reason where there is none.  Addictions let you escape confronting and accepting emotions.  Talking non-stop, not being present, is as much of an escape (addiction) as heroine.

To sum it up, the only thing you must do in order to be the sun, the gravity in the room, is to see past yourself.  If you do this properly, you’ll witness true reality and see first hand that it’s really not about you.  This can be achieved with conscious speech.

So few people do this, that’s why there aren’t many suns in the room.  You’d be lucky to see one.  One person who is conscious and aware.

To recognize a sun, they are often found in the thick of things but they can step aside from it by choice, which can put people off.  They are equally resented as much as they are loved.  They are the one’s who don’t judge, who often love everyone, and they stop you from eating marmalade crackers because they can’t stomach it themselves.  They can’t watch nor listen to you eat them.  They see it as selfish and they intuitively know that selfishness leads to more suffering.

They don’t take anything seriously which can piss people off.

You know you’re in the presence of a sun if they make you feel good about yourself.  When you like who you are in their eyes, that’s when you’ve met someone who can see past themselves and look into you.

Weak selfish people cling to the suns perception of them, feeding off it like it were a marmalade cracker.  If the sun turns it’s gaze, the selfish will start to shrivel in the shade.  But the thing about the sun is, it’s always bright and giving off light 360 degree’s around – the only thing that’s capable of blocking it is a selfish person’s own ego.

I better end this post.  I’m getting transfixed again.


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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

The Bhagavad Gita

I met a girl last night who told me she’s an angel sent down from heaven and it made me think, “oh god I hope I don’t sound like her when I talk to people.”

She was telling me how spiritual she is, which is fine and all but man……shit, I hope I don’t sound like that.

Our chance encounter made me denounce all spiritual endeavors, chalking them up to a damaged girl looking for answers.  Thinking I’m special when I’m not.  And besides, what good has it ever done in my life?

Well, I never claimed to be special.  Just specially unfortunate.

Shit happens and that’s that.  I’m done looking for meaning.

Until that is……I found the Bhagavad Gita on Audible and listened to it the same night I denounced my quest to find god.

Three minutes into the book, it was renewed.  I literally listened to it for 3 minutes before falling asleep and in those three minutes, it told of why we’re all here – to find god within us while we’re stuck in these meat sacks.

I wasn’t going to publish this video because it sounded stupid and preachy (like that girl I met the other night), but it’s 3:30 AM and I just woke up to the Bhagavad Gita telling me that evil is a dark gravitational pull that pushes us down.

I just got the shills (shit my pants and got the chills at the same time [actually it was a typo but I like the way it sounds]).

Hinduism is no doubt the closest thing to reality.  I’m going to start a side quest into learning more about it.  These people got it right yo.

That woman who wanted a 60-minute chair massage really was crazy.

I’ve been having to massage a lot lately.  At first I didn’t mind, but today it caught up to me.  I hate massaging people.  I loathe it, never liked it, and can’t fathom why anyone would.

I just ate chocolate and drank a glass of milk.  I’m ready to go back to sleep.



Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

The Writing Curse


I try to be saintly, I try to be good

I act how most people think that I should.

So what’s with this shit?

Oh God up above

Giving me no breaks,

Showing no love


The dead bitch represents the crap that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I never actually blamed god for any of it, but I’m going to start.  It feels really good to blame him.  It’s empowering.

During my ayahuasca trip, she told me that god was real but not real.  She also stated that I am god.

Schroedinger’s cat just popped in my head.  Why?  Maybe I am the cat (god) who is getting radioactive poisoning, and I am both alive and dead at the same time (real but not real)?

Sorry, that doesn’t make any sense but maybe I’ll come back to it later……

What I learned from ayahuasca is that we are 100% responsible for how we live our lives.  God won’t help or save us.

She also told me that karma whittles down our ego’s until we are left with nothing but perfect belief in god.

So basically, I’m supposed to believe in myself.  Not only that, but to know with absolute certainty that I can succeed at anything.  Not just believe, but know for a fact.  It’s the kind of knowing that know’s no language, know’s no words.  Your thoughts must leave its vessel.

But they don’t leave.  They never leave.  And because they never leave, we’ll always be a dead radioactive cat – unawakened.

Not making sense again?  What-ev’s…

Your brain uses 20% of your daily caloric intake despite it being only 2% of your body’s weight.  It works harder than your heart.  The heart uses one watt of energy while the brain slurps up 12.

Why am I telling you this?

Where the hell does all that energy go when it’s a rule that energy can’t be created or destroyed?

The bulk of it is used to transfer data from one neuron to the next, and the rest is used for clean-up so you won’t have a stroke.

But once the data gets transferred to its designated neuron, what happens to the energy then?  If it can’t be destroyed?  We obviously don’t recycle it because we keep stuffing our faces.

So, WTF man?

I probably wrote about this before, many times I bet, but I’ll say it again – thoughts are non-local smeared data packets that are faster than the speed of light thereby feeding into the oneness, the collective mass-consciousness of the universe.

Prayers work, but what or whom are we praying to?

Oh man I really want to sink in and write about this.  I mean really dig my fat fingers in but it’s already 11:30 Pm.

Plants can detect danger before it happens.  I watched a Netflix documentary about plants and how they respond before having a limb cut off.

That’s irrefutable PROOF!  Evidence of precognition in plants.  Plants don’t have thoughts, but you don’t need thoughts when working with the “emptiness” of nirvana.

At the University of Nevada, researcher Dean Radin has demonstrated that this also occurs in humans moments before seeing a frightful image.

One’s future affects his past.

There was another study done about train wrecks.  Statistics say that trains bound for crash tend to have a large sum of its regular passengers missing that day.  As in, they coincidentally stayed home or chose a different mode of transportation.

Next time you get on a plane or train with hardly any passengers on it, think twice about leaving on it.

The post I wrote the other day, the one where I wanted my future self to send me a prayer, really got me thinking what if?  What if I can?

Many physicists believe that all possibilities occur simultaneously in non-local spacetime.  They’re all  happening in an infinite array of dimensions.  I seen this demonstrated in the documentary What The Bleep.  Also it’s mathematically proven with Schrodingers cat which I learned about from An Elegant Universe by Brain Greene.  I was 19 or 20 when I read it.

I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a LONG time.

What if all those hundreds of people who stayed home instead of boarding a train doomed to crash, stayed home because their future self in a parallel dimension told them to?

Future self – “Oh man I wished I stayed home today.”

Present self – “I think I’ll stay home.”

I never regretted anything in my life before opening up this business and making so many freaking mistakes.  I want a do-over.  But since only my past self in a parallel dimension will trust her instincts better than I did, I can’t have a do-over.  But what I can have is the intention of never making the same mistake twice – or even new mistakes once.

From here on out I’m trusting my gut.  I’m going to start sending prayers to not just my past self, but future self too.  Starting tonight.  Right now.

What info do you have for me future self?

Okay, weird.

She’s still telling me to wait.  Just wait and see.  Don’t give up.  It’ll work itself out.


Sometimes to help me fall asleep, I watch the screen behind my closed eyelids and wait for images appear.

These images make no sense at all.  Sometimes they are a perfect geometric shape, but other times I get images of a door, the carpet of a floor, a pair of scissors – I forgot what else because I usually fall asleep seconds after seeing these images.  Very rarely do I remember what they are.

These images aren’t a dream.  They’re not in color, they’re just outlines but are very textured and palpable like I can reach out and touch them.

Anyway, I’m going to do that tonight.  Look for images.  I’ll look for key items that can help me with my business.

Winning lotto numbers actually.  I’ll be looking for winning numbers if you want to know the truth.  Sent to me by my future self wanting to see if this experiment actually works.  Although, she won’t know if it works or not.  Not unless….oh, forget it.

This is what happens when you mix desperation and spirituality with a person who loves metaphysics and science fiction.

But anyway, ayahuasca told me that I was a martyr but I have the choice to opt out.

I’m opting out.  I’m done with this shit, you hear me god?  Done done done.

HOlY SHiT!  I just remembered my original topic to this post!

I scrolled up and was about to re-read, edit, and publish this shit but then I read my original title for this post, The Writing Curse.

Ugh, okay, I’ll sum up my thought.  It’s getting really late and I need to sleep dammit.

Basically, when you write your life, you tend to go back and re-read your old posts/entries.  Re-living horrific events all over again.  So I came up with a theory that writers who write their life are more prone to misery.

Why is this?  Because of the feedback loop I mentioned earlier.  Your future self affects your past.

In essence, if your future self believes that their past was shitty, than their present self (now) will feel shitty.  However, if their future self looks back and see’s their past as fun, than their present self will have fun.

Certain events and festivities will be more fun and memorable than others simply because your future self looked back on them and reminisced.

For writers, if this theory is true, will have horrible ups and downs for no apparent reason.  Their shitty times will be extraordinarily shitty while their good times will be grandiose.  And what would’ve been a grandiose time will turn shitty for no apparent reason.  Simply because we looked back on it while in a sour mood and analyzed the piss out of it.

The past is never forgotten for writers and we always compare then from now.  We can’t stop re-reading.

Just in case this is true, I’m shifting my perspective on both my past and my present as being triumphing.  I am triumphing.

And I need to write about the good in my life and stop transfixing on the bad.  If I transfix on the bad, my future self will feed into it by remembering how bad it was only to make it worse than it has to be.

I will happily endure a hard life rather than live a life forgettable, but if I can make it a little less miserable, it’s worth a shot.  And okay, a very long shot.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help


I had a thought today while I massaged one of my weekly clients.

I was pondering, as always, why this bad thing happened to my business and I realized that it coincided with two things that I wanted but didn’t have the guts to do.

Before this horrendous incident occurred, I was having money issues (as usual), and wanted to drop an employee.  Especially since my broken armed therapist started taking clients again, I didn’t need so many people on the schedule.

As soon as the police arrived at our door, bam, extra employee fired.

And for years now (dog years), I wanted to cease all Groupon sales but was too scared to do so in fear that my employee’s wouldn’t have enough clients and boom, Groupon no longer sells our deals.  Not until February at least.

Two things that I thought about often, very often actually, happened.  Two things that I wanted most at that time.

And then I had another thought;  you can either react and do things compulsory out of fear, or you can do things out of bravery.  You can tell the two apart because the latter (acting out of bravery), is a choice.

Acting out of fear leads you down a long line of coincidental events that may seem harmless at the time, but karma orchestrates the whole thing.  Every time you choose control and safety over trusting your strength and courage, you lose.

I started my business out of bravery, but the way I manage it is laced in fear.

How can you tell when you’re acting out of fear and not bravery?  If whatever you’re doing is to escape and avoid, to take and not give, to control and not trust or respect, you’re acting out of fear.

I should have laid off my extra employee when my therapists arm healed – I had the inkling to do so and he was only hired temporarily to fill in for her in the first place.

I should have stopped all Groupon sales when I had the money to do so.  Now I’m buried in clients and have no money to pay my staff to massage them (groupon debt).

I shouldn’t of hired the man to replace my broken armed therapist so I wouldn’t have to give massages myself.

Taking not giving, that’s why I hired him.  Escape and avoidance.

And I chose safety, not bravery, by continuing to sell cheap massages online.

You really do receive everything that you wish for, but karma makes it happen in unwanted ways.


I’m the boss giving the orders.  A taker, not a giver.

I thought I was following my heart.  I thought that if I created a business that allowed me my freedom (and finances) to pursue my real goals, then I’d be following my heart, you know?

Groupon…..The thing that started my success may potentially be the thing that destroys it.

All because I didn’t know when to let go of it.  I got greedy.  I got greedy, then I got scared.

The lazy choice is never the right choice.

Always remember to never say Always and Never.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore……

What I did was wrong.  Being the absentee boss, shirking responsibility, being a whiny bitch not wanting to massage loyal clients who LOVE me – not even for one hour a day.

Hero’s don’t ever complain, they get up everyday and do what needs doing.  They’re real men (figuratively speaking).

Everything’s about to change.

When I worked at my old business, when it was just me working in that little stink hole office, I cherished every single one of my clients as though they were the last client on earth.  I gave and gave and gave some more.  The only thing that kept me going was knowing that it was only temporary – to sell a bunch of Groupons in order to get my name out there and once I have my loyal clientele, I can rest.

I had virtually no fear when I worked in my little stink hole office.  And since opening my other business, I had nothing but.

I totally get it now.  All this happened because I didn’t want to work anymore.  I didn’t want to give.  I wanted to boss, not lead.

Goddamned universe.

I am being forced into a position of leadership, not boss-manship.  The universe is literally forcing it upon me.

We had 16 clients today and we made over $300 which isn’t a bad day.  I massaged 3 of those 16 and I gave to them my all, just like when I was at my stink-hole office.  And I actually had energy!  I NEVER have energy when I’m in work but lately I’ve been cranked up.


I’ve been sponsoring a little Philippino boy for a few years now and received an email today asking me to come volunteer at a church in Waterbury to help rally up sponsors.  It’s only for 2 days, and they never asked me before, so I said sure, why not?

I’m planning on donating massages to anyone who signs up to sponsor a child – this will cost me hundreds of dollars, but I don’t care.  I can also massage these people myself which will cost me nothing but time.

I mean think about it – just think!  One hour of my life can make a difference on whether or not a child get’s fed every month.  Not just the child, but it can feed the whole family!

I also remembered how to truly let go in order for the law of attraction to work.  I’ll have to hit satori, zen, emptiness, whatever you want to call it.  I’ll have to kill my ego which is virtually impossible since it’s tied to this body.

I hit satori a few times, for 2 seconds each time, and all seemed possible, but impossible to explain in words.  It was a 2-second window into seeing reality.

I didn’t experience emptiness when I was under ayahuasca, but she told me about my ego and it’s purpose and how nobody’s ever free of it – if they are, it grows back.

She told me if I were to receive everything I want, I’ll have to let everything go and I can only let everything go if I kill my ego.

It’s a double edged sword because once you’re immersed in satori, you don’t care about receiving anything.  You want for nothing.  So in a round-about way, you really do receive what you want during the time of your satori because you don’t want a damn thing.

Satori cancels everything out and what you’re left with is emptiness which is actually filled with possibilities – again, this is impossible to explain.

But I can combat ego with giving.  “Giving is everything” is what ayahuasca kept telling me.  And it has all to do with leading, not bossing.

By picturing in your head exactly what you want, all your choices and actions will lead you down the path of bravery.

Just like satori, I can feel for 2-seconds at a time, a heat rise in my chest recruiting purpose and direction.  All led by giving.  I can see it so perfectly – too perfectly that it fleets away in two seconds flat.

I know I sound crazy, I know.  But I’ve been speaking this way since I was a tot.

In my next post I want to write about acceptance of others.  I would’ve done it tonight but I completely forgot about it.  It’s a different story.

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Filed under philosophy, Self help

This is some-what repetitive of past epiphany’s, but towards the end it gets better

I had a very weird epiphany when I woke up today, well, before I woke up actually.  I was told by my dream world that whatever is alive, isn’t mine.  It doesn’t belong to me.

My body for instance, is alive and therefore is not mine – it isn’t me.  It’s part of the world, made from the world, consists of the same elemental ratio’s as the moon and the stars.

I understood this on a cellular level.  I understood exactly why and how my body isn’t me/mine.

My eyelids are no more mine than the grass growing on somebody else’s lawn.

This thought was as clear to me as one of my ayahuasca insights – a plain truth that can’t be told in words, only felt.

We are like puppet masters.  We have perfect control over anything and everything alive, but we go about it the wrong way.  We go about it in the way of “ownership” when in fact, we own nothing.  We think what we own we can control, but since we own nothing, we can’t control anything – but we can!

It’s hard to explain, obviously.  I mean, how do you explain the unexplainable?

The more effort you put into your garden, the more fruitful it becomes.  If you don’t tend to it, you’ll get nothing.  It’s a respect thing.

When you stop believing you lord over your manor, body and possessions, you start respecting them more.  You understand that you actually have to care for them, and not the other way around.

Respect is very powerful but we got it all wrong.  We don’t understand the true meaning of respect.

What giveth can taketh away.

Belief is also powerful.

People who worry all the time, like hypochondriac’s and over-protective parents, they may worry over things, but they don’t actually “believe” anything bad will happen.  Nobody does.

If you believe the worst will happen, that’s fear and whatever you fear happening will come true.

People who worry take preventative measures in tending to their garden so the “fear” never reaches them.  They believe as long as they stay diligent in their worrying, they’ll never have to face the belief that something bad will come.

I don’t condone worrying, I’m not saying that.  Only, that worriers often tend to things and take great care.  It’s not the best way to go about living and certainly not the only way.

If you can help something, why worry about it?  If it can’t be helped, why worry?  I think I read that on a Buddha meme.

If you want to “own” a plot of land, what you’re actually committing yourself to doing is taking care of it.  Not owning it, but tending to it.  Like children, like your body, and even your friends, you tend to these things.  Not out of ownership or control, but for a greater good that no one is capable of understanding yet.  I can’t even grasp it even though ayahuasca told me repeatedly why:  To evolve.  And that we can only evolve together.

It’s not about expecting reciprocation for your efforts of involvement – it should never be about expectation or assumption.  Tending a garden is a bad example.

We are walking, talking, bodies of influence.  That’s all that we are.


It’s now a few days later, maybe a week.  I’m not sure why I didn’t publish this post.  It was basically done.

But anyway, I don’t feel good.  I’m exhausted.  Owning a business is a cruel joke.

My up’s and down’s are all over the place.  Just last week I felt the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life – no joke or embellishing – I was on top of the world.  This week however, I’m back at feeling lousy.

I’m going to tell you something that I discovered last week and omg, it works!  It sounds so simple that you’d mistake it for something stupid.


I discovered the power of prayer (I’ll tell you why I prayed in a little bit).  The way I did it was, I lit a candle and stared into the flame asking it to grant me strength.  I also asked my ancestors for help.  You know, like tribespeople do.

I learned in my shaman ceremony experiences that fire eats away demons.  You should always look into the fire and it sucks the demons out of you through your eyeballs.

That’s why I prayed with a candle.  I put two and two together.  Catholicism and shamanism.

So anyway, I prayed and went to sleep and wouldn’t you know it, the next day I felt amazing.  More amazing than can be put into words.  My business made over $1700 that week and I was finding joy again aside from washing sheets.

But if you don’t continually tend to something, it wears off.   Once you start expecting it to last, once you stop respecting it and thinking that your success is your own doing and not something celestial, or that it’s a “right” and not a privilege, you start to sink again.

Nothing is in my control but at the same time, it is!  It has something to do with being humble.  Being humble and believing in something bigger than you.  Something bigger, but it’s also in you at the same time.  Like a coalescence.

Oh God its so hard to explain.  But if I ignore or don’t acknowledge this bigger power and rely solely on myself and what I think I can control, I fail.  When I stop respecting God in a way.  By showing no acknowledgment for a higher power shows that I don’t respect him.

Could this possibly be the secret into “The Secret”?  Into the Law of Attraction?  By simply acknowledging and respecting a higher power?  By not proclaiming ownership or control over everything we enjoy or care about?

Ayahuasca tried drilling this into my skull that I must let everything go and to trust.  Over and over again she kept repeating, “let it go. Trust.  Let it go.  Trust.”

But then she said everything is in my control.  Everything that happens to me is all my own doing.

Me – “But how do I change anything?”

Aya – “You must let go of it first.”

Being humble and showing gratitude….I understood gratitude and appreciation for the first time last week.

A major reason why I prayed was because of that horrible thing that happened in work a few weeks back that involved the cops.  It led to an awful review on Yelp.  It was one of the lowest points in my life – so low in fact, that it made me say “fuck it.  Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.”  That helped ease the burden a bit.

But then I prayed.  I prayed and Yelp taken down that awful review the very next day.

The reason why I felt appreciation had nothing to do with Yelp taking down the review.  It’s hard to explain but I’ll try….

Before this whole ordeal with the cops started, I was worried about the business.  Worried over financial matters and little else, but still, it was a heavy burden.

But then the cops showed up at my doorstep and I wasn’t just worried anymore, I was terrified.  This terror lasted for weeks until that man left his nasty review on Yelp and my terror escalated into insurmountable water boarding torture.

But now that it’s finally over, I realized that I wasn’t appreciative before the cop incident happened.  Before the incident, I felt the height of my anxiety was at its max over my financial situation and I had very little to be appreciative for.

“It can always be worse.”

That phrase taught me what it means to be truly appreciative.  You’d have to experience it for yourself to understand what I mean.  Things can always be worse.

I learned so much from this incident – so freaking much.  I learned that things can always be worse, but more importantly, I learned to respect and acknowledge that nothing is in my control.  It’s like I have to hand everything over.  To put it down.  And by putting it down, only then can it be in my control – but it’s not at the same time because if I think I can control something, I never actually put it down in the first place.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I have no kids, I don’t work much, my mom makes me dinner and my dad takes care of the house – I have a tremendous amount of time to be alone and philosophize and even when I do work, my hands are occupied but my mind isn’t.  I have virtually no distractions that derail me from really sinking in and trying to comprehend all this stuff.

But after learning appreciation, I actually want to be in work.  I want to massage again if it’s only to get the business back on tract.  I’m starting to respect it, you know?  I’m respecting and appreciating everything that I already have.  I want to tend to my garden.

All this blows my mind.  How I can see everything fitting together too nicely, too completely.

Respect shows lack of control over a thing (or a person), Appreciation also shows lack of ownership (control).  Humility acknowledges a higher power.  They all fit together.

Plus if you tie in Strength with everything else – it takes a very strong person to hand over their control.  It takes a Brave person.

The opposite of all this?  A power seeker.  Someone who lets fear govern them.  A power seeker will never inherit peace of mind or happiness.  They’ll never hand over their power or relinquish their ego.

I have to remember all this.  I absolutely positively can NOT forget any of it.

I don’t understand yet how happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.  It’s all about the journey and not the end point.  I don’t relate to any of that yet but I’m extremely close to finding it.

After praying with the candle – literally right after – I felt it.  The happiness.  And I feel it every time I write or do a video blog.  And I don’t think it has anything to do with happiness, but rolling with everything, you know?  Sort of like being stronger than life’s punches.

Happiness is not obtainable, but withstanding the punches is.  It’s how we react to the punches, that’s how we spread our influence out into the masses.

Anyway, aside from all that, I had a crazy lucid dream last night.  As always, whenever I have a lucid dream, I grab the nearest person and start making out with them – it doesn’t matter who they are.  If it’s a man, that’s great, if it’s a female, I’ll settle.  My libido is astronomical.  And I’m so passionate!  The kissing alone sends me into ecstasy which confuses me since I thought I had to love the person for the ecstasy part to happen.

But then I stopped being lucid and turned into a big human-sized ant fighting for a Captain ant in his ant army.  It wasn’t a bad dream and the armor accessories were pretty cool.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Strange & Unusual

The 48 Laws of Power

Should be called The 48 Laws of a sociopath.  It’s the antithesis to the Power of Now.

This book tells you how to manipulate, con, betray, and gain power.  There’s no such thing as a trusted friend in the real world and playing games with a person is the best way to obtain their heart (power).

It tells you that all great people waiver and when they do, that’s the time to swoop in and knock them off their throne.

Always hide your true intentions.  Boast about your goals but have them be false goals so nobody can predict your next move.

This is a handbook for bad guys.

I’m only on Law 4, Always say less than necessary.

I just googled The 48 Laws of Power reviews and Meeb from Amazon summarized each law:

1. Kiss the boss’s ass.
2. Make enemies, because you learn from them.
3. Hide your intentions.
4. Speak cryptically.
5. Guard your reputation; destroy those who undermine it.
6. Be an attention-seeker.
7. Use other people to do things for you and take the credit.
8. Bait people.
9. Don’t analyze, act (the motto of fascism).
10. People who are hurt are like infectious parasites.
11. Make people depend on you.
12. Be “selectively honest”, disarm your “victim” with generosity.
13. People have no sense of mercy or thankfulness.
14. Pretend to be someone’s friend while gathering information on them.
15. Destroy people, annihilate them. Ruin their lives.
16. Play hookie to make people “want” you.
17. Interpersonal Terrorism
18. Be one in the crowd, use the crowd to shield you from your enemies.
19. Don’t screw over the wrong person.
20. Be non-commital.
21. Pretend to be dumb, so they won’t suspect.
22. Surrender, to stab your enemy in the back.
23. Use every resource you have to defeat an enemy.
24. Flatter people, yield to your boss, and be cruel to those under you.
25. Don’t abide by the social contract. Ally yourself only to your self. Redefine this self to get as much attention as possible.
26. Keep your hands clean- erase any knowledge others have of you messing things up. Never admit to your mistakes. Instead, scapegoat other people.
27. Develop a God complex. Feed people what they want to hear and make them follow you.
28. Be bold in all of your actions.
29. Plan out every little thing.
30. Make your accomplishments seem effortless. Also, never let anyone know how you did them.
31. Control people’s options.
32. Feed people the lies they want to hear.
33. Find out everyone’s button, save this information, and push it accordingly.
34. Act like a member of royalty.
35. Master timing.
36. Show contempt for things (and people) you cannot have. By showing you are upset, you are admitting “weakness”.
37. Create a lot of spectacles.
38. Behave like other people as a mask.
39. Use other people’s emotions; play with them.
40. Free things are dangerous. Instead, pay for everything yourself and make sure people see it.
41. Don’t follow in anyone’s footsteps.
42. Attack someone that bothers you. Don’t bother negotiating or understanding them. Just attack them so they shut up and your reputation remains intact.
43. Seduce people by playing with their emotions.
44. Mirror people so they get annoyed and humiliated.
45. Preach “change” and other vague promises, but never act too much on them.
46. Pretend to mess up once in a while. People will see that you’re not a sociopath after all.
47. Achieve in moderation.
48. Be formless. Form, order, routine= predictability. And those CIA guys following you over your shoulder all this time will spot that and destroy you.

I bought this book on Audible last night when I was searching for a book about voodoo or black magic (out of desperation for my business) to read.  This book popped up and got stellar reviews, so how could I not be interested?  I love itemized lists.

I had no idea what I was really buying.  First chapter in and I was like, furrealz?

I already wrote about every one of these damn laws.  It’s like I’m reading a book about why I hate people.

I’m interested in Law 48 though, Assume Formlessness.  That’s not our natural inclination and goes beyond ego.  I’m curious to hear his take on it.

Seriously though, he nails us perfectly.  From what I can tell, he’s spot on when it comes to describing why we do what we do.  It just sucks, you know?  It especially sucks that I’ve done many of these laws myself.  Law 27?  Um, yes I’m God!  Purposely act stupid around people with more power?  Yeah, I totally do that too.  I can’t wait to read Law 20 – that’s a major one for me.

He said “innocent” people are the best manipulators because nobody suspects them.  I figured this one out way back in high school and wondered if I would still get away with it as an adult.  But I’ve been doing it for so long now that it’s part of my identity.  I’m “innocent” because I’m a master manipulator, not because I’m stupid (see last post).


I just got back from my cousins wedding.  Good times.

But I’m tired now.  I spent the whole day feeling wonderful because  I’m diligently working on a plan to save my business and last night I dreamt that I was wealthy.

I’m keeping a separate blog post about the status of my business and will post the whole thing after my plan takes effect (around late October I’ll post it).  I no longer want to write anything negative about it.

Night is usually my favorite time of day.  But when I get real tired, my mind goes to the bad place.  The place of worry.  It’s so strange to see it do that.  I mean, I was completely fine today – no sucking sounds following me around (see last post), but as soon as I’m tired, boom, catastrophe.  It amazes me, it really does.  How easily my mentality can shift like that.

I have to start going to sleep before I get tired.  This gnawing is agony, trust me.

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Filed under journal, Self help


I’m thinking about changing my name to MelAnus.  It’s close enough to Melanie so my parents won’t care too much.  And once it’s changed, I’ll switch the name of my blog to MelAnus Discharge.  Pretty cool, huh?  Thought of it meself.  Actually thought of it as I was typing it.

Because, well, let’s be honest here.  What I spew into my blog is no different then relaxing my bowels but man I tell you what, I enjoy both.

Enough small talk, I wanted to share with you my epiphany I had earlier.

I thought long and hard (while relaxing my bowels) about my curious “innocent” nature and it has nothing to do with me trying to cover up a demon – I love my demon actually, and recently wrote about him.

Cool guy.

No, I’m not actually innocent.  I’m stupid!  People mistake my stupidity for innocence which only means that those people are just as stupid as I am.

I’m glad I got that off my chest.  Acknowledging and accepting my stupidity makes me feel closer to inching my way onto one of the more specialized secular branches of the category tree.  I have fellow brothers and sisters who will laugh beside me and hold my hand – I am not alone.

And maybe I am fearless, but it’s only because I’m stupid – I don’t think, only do.  MelAnus do do.  It all makes sense now.

It makes me feel so much better by knowing myself.  Like finally getting a diagnosis for a horrendous rash on your genitals.  The itch will now stop.

So yes, I am playing spa owner.  Not because I want to enrich the lives in my community, but because I want to be rich and not have to work.

Okay, other than that, last night I hit my peak of fear and today I woke up bright-eyed and chipper thanks to my buoyant nature or what some like to call, being bi-polor.

Why was I at the height of my fear?  Have you ever owned a business?

Let me break it down for you, when your business starts siphoning money from an already depleted well, you’re going to hear a sucking sound.  And that sucking sound will follow you around everywhere you go.  Every thought that you have, every loose dollar you spend.

“I think I’ll get a dunkin iced coffee today!  Oh wait….”  Suck suck suck.  Your chest caves in.

You may not believe me, but it’s like going through a bad breakup, or a divorce – your heart smolders in satanic ashes, you breathe like you only have a quarter of your lung capacity left.

Nothing else matters.  All else is nonsense.

You basically lose yourself.  You lose yourself to the environment that you placed yourself in.

When you lose yourself, there is no joy there.  But on the flip side, others may feel that when they “lose” themselves, they’re free.  They’re at their happiest.  But they haven’t actually lost themselves per se, no, they found themselves.

As a proud member of the Stupid category, I’m adequately happy pretty much all of the time.  I let loose and I’m able to be myself – I’m not one that gives a fuck (just watch me dance).  What I’m trying to say is that I found out who I was a very long time ago but the seriousness of the world sucked it out.

It made me feel insecure, unsafe, unwanted.  I’m not “professional” or “responsible” is what I hear.  The world can do that people.  To just about everyone.

And now with my business hanging on the brink, it pushes me further away.

When you’re being yourself, you live in the moment.  I know this for a fact and not just by listening to the Power of Now but I’ve lived this way for years!  That is, before I started to “grow up”.

Everyone’s got it wrong.  Don’t ever grow up.

I’m a believer in choice.  Ayahuasca told me there is ALWAYS a choice.  And with this belief, comes answers.  Where there’s a choice, there is always an answer.

I woke up today happy because I remembered that there’s always an answer.  You only have to believe and do everything it takes and I mean everything.

Shit takes its toll.  Worse than going in circles over the GW bridge (which is one of my humiliating traditions).

When you see the answer, bam, you’re back to your normal self.  But sometimes you see your answer and it doesn’t register right away.  It may take a while until you fully see it.

“No no that’s too outlandish, it will never work.”  Then you sit on it for a while and you wake up one day and say, “That’s it!  Why have I waited so long?!”

Perhaps you have to be your normal self in order to see your unique answer?

What is my normal self?  Well, I forgot for a long time who I was until I recently remembered that I’m part stupid.

How do you know who your normal self is?

Okay, I figured out how to do this and I’m sure it’s different for everyone so I made it into a one question quiz.  For me personally, the answer was stupidity – this answer frees me.  For you it might be something completely different.

Okay, here’s the first and only question:  What are you most afraid of?

And I don’t mean bears or zombies, no, I mean, what are you afraid of being?  Right at this very moment?

This is a tricky question because I don’t want you to get confused with consequences or end result answers like, “I’m afraid of being alone.”

Being alone is an end result answer, not a present moment way of being.  Or, “I’m afraid of living with regrets” , “I’m afraid of being poor”,”I’m afraid of not being a good provider.”

Those are all end result stuff, future stuff.  I mean your quirks, your secret personality defects, your flaws – the really good stuff.

By finding out exactly what you’re afraid of being and then committing yourself to becoming what you’re afraid of then guess what happens?  The fear of it completely dissolves and what you’re left with is your pure untainted identity.

By accepting my stupidity and sharing it with others, I’m completely free.

When I smoke pot around people, depending on who I’m with, I can see these types of fears in others.  I can see how it holds people back, causes them to manipulate, get offended, skirt the truth – I see it!

The way out is in.  It’s to embrace.  If you don’t believe me, you’ll just have to trust me on it.

Rational Brain – “What about rapists, pedophiles, or people with an urge to kill?  You want them to embrace their weaknesses?”

That’s not who they really are, it’s more like a compulsion they have, or a need.  Like smoking cigarettes or doing drugs, it satisfies a craving.  It’s a brain problem.

Rational Brain – “You have a bullshit answer for everything, don’t you?”

It’s not bullshit, I read an article.  It’s actually really sad.

But anyway, that’s how you find yourself.  By finding out what you’re afraid of being and becoming it by choice.  If you don’t do it by choice, it will happen without your choice and I promise you it WILL happen.

And if you do this correctly, you don’t actually become your fear.  You eliminate it.  And by eliminating it, nothing holds you back anymore.  You’d be fully present and I’d be able to smoke pot around you.

I guess it’s hard to explain.

It’s 1AM and I told myself I was going to exercise tomorrow before work.  I have to friggin sleep.

Before I go, I just want to say that I don’t think I’ll be blogging for a while.  At least, not until I whip my business back into shape.  I just hate writing the same morose things over and over again.  I hate whining.

You want to hear something disgusting?  I saved my dental floss!  I flossed my teeth with it and put it aside for next time.  Where is it?  Oh, I think it’s on the floor now.  Okay, I’ll throw it out.  But I just wanted to demonstrate to you just how much in the dog house I am.

MelAnus weeps.

My mom today gave me toothpaste, toilet paper, shampoo, and socks.

Me – “Thank you for these gifts!”

And I really REALLY meant it.

“I won’t have to darn my socks this winter!”

I can’t believe I wrote so much.  All I wanted to tell you was that I’m going to take a break from writing for a while.

To wrap things up, I just want to reiterate that living in the present moment requires you to eliminate all fear.  Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now, tells you to live presently and your fears will wash away by themselves, but I like my way better.  My way of confronting your fear is better.  If you don’t confront it, you’ll have no awareness of it and soon enough you’ll become that what you hate most.

My brain works swiftly when I’m in the present.  I’m less jumpy and I feel smarter.  Almost impenetrable, like nobody has any negative affect on me whatsoever.

I miss that feeling.

How do I get it back?  Two ways in conjunction:  By remembering there is always a choice and because a choice exists, I will find an answer.  And secondly, by embracing what it is I’m afraid to be.

MelAnus is done discharging for tonight.

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Filed under All about me, humor, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

Knowing Demon Mel

I just ended a post and started up a new one!  It’s the same night, a few minutes later, and here I am still exhausted.

I just wanted to clarify something and I may need the help of Rational Brain to do it.

Rational Brain – “You rang?”

I totally contradicted myself by writing that you shouldn’t adapt.  More accurately, I contradicted Bruce Lee, “Be like water my friend.”

It’s wrong to adapt to something you’re not passionate about.  Like shitty jobs or shitty friends.  It’s only then do you feel pieces of yourself ebbing away.

Whoa, I feel like I just taken this concept on a much deeper level.  Ayahuasca level.  Hold on, let me explain.

It’s not about you adapting to the environment, it’s about the environment adapting to you.  You become one with it.  You own that shit (I’ve been saying that a lot).

What’s the environment?  Anything that isn’t you.

How do you do this?  By remaining present and in the moment.  By conspiring with your inner Demon – the so-called “bad” guy who wants to do only what *he* wants to do (aka, your true nature, your true intent).

So what are you adapting to exactly?  Nothing.  The environment is adapting to you.  You remain still, like water.  Ahhhh I totally get it.

In essence, you’re not fighting anything.  You’re not fighting the current by being miserable by refusing to adapt to the environment.  Instead, your working with it.

When I don’t adapt while massaging someone, I become miserable.  I clash with the situation.  My true intent (money and freedom) has to be sacrificed for the greater good of the client and I’m a little less miserable by doing so.  How is this a bad thing?

By denying my true nature, my environment will never adapt to me.  It leads to stagnation.

The question is, who is this Demon Mel?  What exactly is my true nature?

There is no you, only desires.

By relinquishing my desires, I’m less miserable.  How is this a bad thing again?

Why are you relinquishing your desires?  Is it out of fear of never obtaining them?


So, I’ll never be rid of my desires as long as fear controls them.

I know how I sound right now, I know.  But I can’t shake the Law of Attraction and how ayahuasca told me I’ll never obtain anything out of fear.

Everything coincides.

I have to accept that I do desire money and freedom and by accepting my desires, I accept my inner demon.  The one capable of transmuting my surrounding environment.

I have to remain still, like water, and present, unchanging.  I have to work with what is there.  No conflict, no turbulence, just pure intent.

Okay, well, I polished that thought up nicely enough.  I just wonder if I’ll ever implement it?  Because whenever I let Demon Mel sit and stew, I befall to hatred.

“I really hate this.”  Is my prevailing thought.

Rational Brain – “That’s just weakness.  It’s doubt.  And it happens when your actions don’t match up with your intentions.”

I think I’ll end this post the way it is.  I’ll just keep going around in circles if I don’t.

Rational Brain – “And I think you’ve written about this before.”

Hence, it goes around in circles.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

The Good the Bad and the Ugly of The Power of Now

other side of fear


As you may know, my business is going through a money crisis these last few weeks of July.  I’m not a happy camper.

I’ve been trying to listen to The Power of Now but Eckhart Tolle  lulls me to sleep each time.

I fell asleep listening to him at 10 PM last night (wicked early) and woke up today at 10 AM, listened to him again, fell asleep again, and woke up at 1 PM.

I’ve gotten a shit ton of sleep.

It’s 2:39 PM on Monday, my day off, and I’m waiting for my mother’s eggplant parmesan to be ready.

How depressing.

I don’t care what Eckhart says, when you’re broke and worried, you can’t go out, you don’t want to have fun.  And all the small stuff that never bothered you before, starts eating away at you.

EVERYTHING annoys you.

Okay ok now wait a sec, I’m blowing things out of proportion for the sake of emphasis.  In reality, I’m enjoying all this sleep and really looking forward to the eggplant parmesan.

And I’m loving my day off from clients.

It’s just that……hold on, the eggplant parm is ready.


It’s just that, when I was in Thailand standing on the roof top of that really expensive hotel and looking at my bank account thinking “holy shit I’m rich!”

I was happy.  The happiest I’ve been in a really long time.  All my burdens lifted and it felt real, not delusional.

Mmmm….garlic bread.

One broken armed therapist, higher rent, and a few big investments later, here I am, starting all over from scratch.

I hired two new therapists.  We’ve been getting slammed lately.  So not only do I need $5,000 extra this month, but that’s not counting paying these two new therapists.

I had no choice.  I won’t go into the boring details but it has to do with Groupon lowing the price of our deals without my consent.  They sell couples massages for $89, but lowered the price of our single massages.  So we are hammered with clients this month.

I had to switch to only selling couples massages with them which requires more therapists.  And okay, I went into the boring details.

I hired independent contractors.  They only get paid when they have clients.  Doing that will save me a ton of money by not having to pay their taxes or downtime.

My broken armed therapist taken her first client in four months yesterday.  She’s going to take one client a day until she’s all better.

I finished furnishing the room upstairs, I just need to hang up a mirror and screw in a light bulb and boom, done.  My friend Jill gave me her old massage table.

August 1st I’ll send out an email promoting the membership and our two new menu options, shirodhara treatments and psychic readings.  It turns out that my esthetician is a card reader and she wants to offer readings to people.

Should I get more eggplant?  I kinda want to nap.  I have until 6:30 to lay around until my friends want Mel time.

And come August, I’m going to promote my membership with the Record Journal again.  They’re the guys who made me feel rich last January when I was standing on top of that expensive hotel in Thailand.  They sold a f*ck load of memberships.

It’s always darkest before the dawn they say.

But good lord the helplessness I felt!

Here’s why:

1) I’m getting fat

2) My room is a mess and I have papers everywhere that need to be filed

3) My car is also a mess

4) My debt has never been greater

5) I have more clients than I do therapists and no money to pay them

6) I don’t have enough members to break even each month

7) Groupon lowered the price of our single massages

8) My broken armed therapist does not pull in any money and is costing me hundreds of dollars

9) I’m still massaging people

10) My debt is so great that I don’t have much of a safety net to fall back on when times get tough (such as now)

Numbers 5-9 are being remedied as we speak, 1-3 are easy to fix, 9-10 will be fixed after 5-8 are completed.

When you’re this hard up, depressed and hopeless, it’s easier to bury your head, you know?  You just don’t want to move.

I still don’t want to move.  God why am I so tired?

Poor Kristi, the girl I want to give the ultimatum to, she gets so damn bored and lonesome that she always tries to get together with people but like I said, if you met her, she’d annoy you too.


Anyway, originally I wanted to write about The Power of Now, but things taken a different turn.  I’m going to write about it as quickly as possible so I can squeeze in a solid nap.

The ugly side of The Power of Now is that you’ll be more accepting of annoying friends.

“I can’t judge them on their past behavior because it’s all in the past.  No one know’s how they’ll act today.”

Basically, you’ll be more susceptible to live with how things are.

The bad side is that it’s possible for you to become delusional by denying your past (escaping it), or fall victim to abusers by thinking that your situation will change if you ignore your past and future.  Everything is “OK” right now.

My happiness on that roof top in Thailand was incalculable.  But Eckhart says that that kind of happiness isn’t real because it has to do with material possessions.  It’s not lasting.

But it wasn’t money that made me happy, it was freedom.

Damn, I’m going up for more eggplant….hold on.

Mmmm so good.

I need to learn how to photosynthesize.  I hear a guy in India does it.

But anyway, unlike Eckhart Tolle, I believe the present moment is a culmination of the choices we made in the past.  By understanding our past, we understand how and why we arrived at this present moment in time.

If you don’t appreciate the effort you made in the past, you’ll never appreciate the present moment.  You’ll not appreciate yourself.  I was able to experience happiness on that roof top simply because I knew how I got there.

Kristi doesn’t appreciate herself because she doesn’t feel her efforts being reciprocated.  How can she appreciate her efforts when she gets nothing back?  How can she appreciate herself at this present moment when she basis her entire worth on how other people respond to her?

I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.  But if you’re not able to let go, the cycle will continue to repeat and I think that’s what Eckhart was getting at.  To let go of expectations and disappointment in order to free yourself.

For me, it’s the effort that matters.  If one thing’s not working, try something else.  And whatever you do, don’t take anything serious.

These last two weeks in July are critical, but not serious.

I guess you’d have to be me in order to understand what I mean.

It’s like saying you can’t be beaten.  You can’t be beaten because your identity isn’t attached to these things.  If your identity is attached, only then it’s serious.  It’s serious because your ego is threatened with annihilation.

In Kristi’s case, her ego is threatened every time she’s bored and lonesome.

Everyone is different and carry their own triggers.  Mine happens to be when I feel my freedom is threatened or when I’m being misjudged.

Oh man I should shower.  I don’t feel like doing shit.  It’s like 90 degree’s outside.

And Kristi is one of those people who tries to be funny.  I swear that girl nails down every one of my pet peeves.

By living in the present moment, you’re able to feel the crowd and read the environment – I’ve been doing this since I turned 18 and decided to be as authentic/honest as possible and realized it involves being in the present moment.

The present moment has nothing to do with “you.”  That’s the beauty of it.  And thereby you’ll never take it seriously.

My parents just left for the casino.  Complete peace.  Absolutely no noise.


Brianna is texting me to go to Japan with her in April to go hiking around Kyoto.  I promised my friend Jay I’d visit him in Alaska next fourth of July.

If I reach 200 members, all this is possible.  Especially since my broken armed therapist will be taking clients again.

I was going to organize my papers today….I was going to go hiking today……I, shit, I did nothing today except eat eggplant.

I’m laying here, I don’t want to tell you what time it is, but I’ve been laying here all day in bed sweating in my pajama’s that I’ve been wearing for how long now?  20 hours?

I should shower dammit.  Hold on.


It’s now the next day.

Since Groupon lowered the price of my massages, they’re sending me an extra $1,200!  They lowered the price, but are still paying me the same amount.

You have no idea what this means to me.  It means I’m saved.  I’m saved from having to dip into my personal line of credit money.

If I made it through this month without getting further into debt, my business is indestructible.  But how weird how it happened!  Groupon NEVER did this before and not only that, but they’re known for only giving 60% commission – now it went up to 80%?  And I get the money tomorrow?


I’m looking into salt scrubs and body wraps for either my broken armed therapist or esthetician to do.  I can introduce them to clients by September.

My goal is to own a spa that is nearly impossible to refuse a membership to.  Not only would it be impossible to refuse a membership to, but have no reasons to cancel it.

I organized and filed all my papers and made a “To Do” notebook.  I love finding old “To Do” lists crumpled up in my desk drawer because it makes me reminisce on how I got through those “tough” times of having stuff to do.  It makes me feel like I accomplished something.

So I’m keeping a To Do notebook where I can keep them all in one place and feel perpetually accomplished.

I feel renewed happiness.

Okay, I’m going to take a shower, eat, and get some shit done on my list.




Filed under journal, philosophy, Self help

What the hell do I call this?

I changed my mind on what boat to buy when I become rich and famous. I want this one instead:


Click the pic to see inside!

I feel that a floating city is more my style.


A woman applied to my business.  I Googled her like I do with all my candidates and found that she runs her own massage business, has years of experience, she’s physically fit, attractive, not too young, not too old.  She basically embodies the ideal, successful massage therapist.


I automatically assume she’s up to no good.  I’m guessing that she’s out to get me like Sara E, the woman who left a nasty review about us on Yelp.

Anti Massage Envy activists should not be underestimated.

That’s the only logical reason I came up with.  If that’s not it than I honestly don’t get it.

I might be interviewing her tomorrow.  We’re corresponding through email and in my last email, I gave her 100% full disclosure of how much $$ I can pay her.  So there’s no misunderstanding when we meet.


It’s Monday, my day off.  I stayed up late last night finishing up a video game, Dragon Age Origins.


I need to drive to Wethersfield to pick up a massage table that an old friend doesn’t want anymore and finish furnishing the room upstairs.  And do payroll.

I HATE doing payroll.  Doing payroll is like homework, only you’re not gaining anything but losing thousands of dollars.  And I have trouble sitting still long enough to do it.


I had a bad dream when I woke up today.  I dreamt that I was in high school again, wearing foot pajama’s that zipped up in the front and well, I shit inside them.

There was a laundry room in the school so I ran to it, undressed, and threw my dirty PJ’s in the wash hoping that nobody would see.  But somebody did see.

There was a group of foreign kids standing there to witness it.  They all started laughing.  I ignored them and went about my business (I don’t know where I found an extra change of clothes but I did.)

I started feeling paranoid that everyone would find out.  It seemed as though nobody wanted to talk to me and I assumed it was because they knew about me shitting my pants.

But then I saw the first boy I ever kissed (in real life).  He ran up to me, hugged me, and told me he missed me.  He became my one and only friend, oblivious to me shitting my pants earlier.

Until that group of foreign kids found my shitty underwear and were about to broadcast them to the entire student population.  My one and only friend was about to find out my most humiliating secret.

I made my way to where the foreigns kids were stationed, picked up a chair and threatened to smack them with it if they didn’t stop.  They were all laughing in delight.

I held up one leg of the chair and lined it up with the eye of one of the foreign kids and said, “I swear I’ll skull fuck your eye socket with this chair if you say one word to anybody.”

They found this hilarious, and I found it funny too after having said it.

I never hit any of them with the chair – I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  And after threatening to skull fuck them with the leg of a chair, we all loosened up.  I loosened up enough to break down.

Me – “Do you have any idea what it feels like?  To be so completely alone?”

Them – “We’re not from here so yes we do.”

Me – “But at least you all have each other.”

That’s when I started crying my eyes out.  The foreigners comforted me and no longer cared about my shitty underpants.

My blog is like my shitty underpants.  My story is told here to everyone and I can’t escape the prying eyes and humiliation that comes with it.

I made a rule not to publish anything while I’m drunk.  I have countless drafts because of this.  I can at least stave off some humiliation that way.

Seriously though, I think the dream symbolizes my fear of rumors, of being judged, ostracized, having close friends turn on me.  In all my experience, there’s no greater hurt.

The crazy thing is, in real life, this fear remains hidden from me.  I never think about.

But when “S” gave me advice straight from my blog, I didn’t realize it at the time but, it all has to do with this hidden fear of humiliation and of being ostracized.  I unconsciously thought that if the haters were still reading my blog and reiterating it, that must mean they’re also spreading rumors about me.  Reading my blog for the purpose of finding new things to judge me on – so they can spread it to others.

That’s what made me upset.  At the time I didn’t know why I was upset, but I get it now.

Crazy unconscious associations.

I have to learn not to care what people think of me.  Even when it comes to friends, I can’t care what they think – I don’t for the most part but it’s when they start hating me that gets to me.

I have to stop caring.  But is it wrong to stop?  Is it a form of pigheadedness?  The stubbornness that leads to someones downfall in life?

Or maybe I’m making more irrational associations?

“You won’t be punished for your anger.  You will be punished by your anger.” – Buddha

“I won’t be punished for caring.  I will be punished by caring.” – Melanie

No, I like the Buddha’s saying better.

But I do have to work on this issue.  If only to stop having these damn high school nightmares.

You know what just came to me?  Being proud of shitting my pants!  Not caring that I shit my pants!

Hold on now, there’s wisdom in this.  There’s strength.

By not caring if I shit my pants, I wouldn’t care who knew about it.  Not only would I not care, but I wouldn’t want to skull fuck someones eye socket with a chair leg.  I wouldn’t be angry, I wouldn’t resort to violence….

I wouldn’t feel ashamed and if I’m ostracized or judged, I wouldn’t blame myself.  I wouldn’t blame anybody and simply allow others the freedom to think whatever they want to think.

It all comes down to me.  My fear of loneliness, being misunderstood, betrayed.  All because of something that couldn’t be helped.  Something I shouldn’t feel ashamed of.

I associate caring with being hurt.  I think we all do.  We’re only hurt by those we care about.  But the thing is, when you break down the reason why you’re hurt, it all comes down to a selfish hidden fear.  So obliquely hidden that it only shows itself in dreams (in my case, high school dreams of humiliation).

According to the stinking Law of Fives (or law of attraction), if you’re not ashamed of yourself, you will not be shamed.

In my dream, when I was able to laugh at myself after I confronted those foreign guys, I let go of shame.  In a way, I surrendered to it.

I couldn’t beat them and in the end, I only wanted them to understand.

Rational Brain – “What if they didn’t understand?  What if they hung your shitty underwear up on the flag pole?”

As long as I’m not ashamed of myself, I wouldn’t care what they did.  I wouldn’t even be angry at them.  I’d own that shit, you hear me?

I know this sounds impossible, but you just got to trust me.  I’m onto something big here.

I can’t be ashamed of my blog, but I’m not going to broadcast it either.

I get angry in other ways too that need to be addressed.

I get angry when people over-react to things.  When they hate a person for doing something trivial.  I get VERY angry and impatient.  I also get impatient when people talk non-stop.

I have a friend who does both of these things and then some.

She’s also up my ass constantly.

A long time ago I wrote about a girl who defriended me because I chose to hang out with Dave over her.  Because he invited me to be his guest at a wedding on the same day she wanted to do something.  Friendship over.

I didn’t much care because I felt no shame in what I did.  I was more concerned about her and how depressed she must have been to have come up with that decision.

When I got back from Ecuador, she apologized to me and wanted to make amends and I said, “sure, why not?”

I made sure to set boundaries – that I wouldn’t be there at her beckon call, and things have been fine since then.

But now she’s starting to expect things from me.  Not only that, but my patience is wearing thin with her constant nagging and drama.  We’re too different and not compatible at all.

I hate ultimatums.

“We can’t be friends unless you change.”

Real friends accept you, right?

How can I be okay with wanting to skull fuck my own eye socket with a chair leg whenever we hang out?  How is that okay?

I associated “real” friends with irrational expectations. Unconditional acceptance of me, always being there, looking out for me.  We grow up watching movies, tv shows, and reading books that tell of these expectations.  This is what it means to be a “real” friend, right?

I abide by those irrational expectations and judge any who don’t.  They’re scum, they’re selfish is what I say.

But here I am wanting to give her an ultimatum – the opposite of a “true” friend.

If you’re around this woman trust me, she’d get on your nerves too.

She texted me the other day asking me if I’ll miss her while she’s away.

Annoying.  Annoying annoying!

I ask people not to tag me on Facebook because she’ll know about it.  I’m weary of posting pics.

I’m pretty sure the end is near.  She’s going to stop talking to me again.  If I ever run into her, she’d ignore me.

But since I’m not ashamed, I’ll not feel bad.  And if she wants to be friends again, I’d say, “sure, why not?”

I’m too passive and noncommittal to ever put my foot down.

“No!  Go away!”

I wonder what a person would have to do to get me to that point?

I hate ultimatums but sometimes they’re the right thing to do.  It’s something a “true” friend would do.  It’s called being honest.

I keep six honest…

I keep six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.
I send them over land and sea,
I send them east and west;
But after they have worked for me,
I give them all a rest.

I let them rest from nine till five,
For I am busy then,
As well as breakfast, lunch, and tea,
For they are hungry men.
But different folk have different views;
I know a person small-
She keeps ten million serving-men,
Who get no rest at all!

She sends’em abroad on her own affairs,
From the second she opens her eyes-
One million Hows, two million Wheres,
And seven million Whys!

-Rudyard Kipling

I hate titling posts.  What the hell do I call this one?


Filed under journal, rant, Self help, Writing