Category Archives: rant

My Brother’s using my laundry detergent

I’m almost sure he is.  Not only that, but my toothpaste too.

He has the tendency to fall asleep during a movie and the menu screen pops up and plays the same theme music over and over again.  Very loud mind you.

We both live downstairs in my parents split level house.  I have my own enclosed bedroom, while he sleeps on the couch without any real privacy. The place is a sty.

Two nights ago I woke up to the loud repeating theme music playing on the DVD’s title screen.  I couldn’t fall back to sleep with it on.  So I got up, opened my bedroom door and caught him in the act of “cuddling” his girlfriend.  I didn’t care.  I went right over to the TV and shut the damn thing off.

Not to mention there’s never any hot water anymore.

I’m sitting here in my stink hole office feeling thankful that my first client never showed.  My brain is still on autopilot.  I have no time to delve into deep thought.  My cheese is sliding off it’s cracker.

But him using my laundry detergent really irks me.  I need it to wash sheets everyday.  And the other day when I told him I needed to take a shower, he put a load of wash in and set it to warm/cold.

“But there’s no hot water for me!”

“This laundry needs to get done.”

I needed to be at work in an hour.

I switched it on cold/cold the first chance I got.  There was no warm water anyway!

I blocked yesterday off so I could focus on my new office.  I ran around from one store to the next, and stayed at the new office until 8:30 at night – when my stomach could no longer contain its hunger.  And I’m still not done.

I’m so close.  Sheets need to go in the cabinets, lotion bottles need to be filled.  I need to set up my Kuerig, unroll a rug I bought from Ikea, move a bench from my old office into the new.  Mount mirrors in each room, write up a cheat sheet so my employee’s can learn how to book appointments online and oh yeah, hire employee’s.

I can’t do anything while I’m here in this stink hole waiting for clients.

My excitement manifests into frustration whenever I can’t have my way immediately.  I have no patience.

And I’m sick on top of everything.  My phone won’t stop ringing.  Some weird guy just called asking about massages.

My blog will duly suck for the time being.  I must end this post.

 

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Snags

I severed my phone line.  Yes I did.  I chopped it down and threw away the cord.  Why?  Because the last business that occupied my space was a telemarketing company.  There were wires everywhere!  Climbing up the walls and out of mouse holes.  Hanging everywhere like cobwebs.

I went crazy and sliced them all down.  I filled the small dumpster out back with gobs of unused cables.

When I was done, I trudged back into my office like the little soldier that I am and glanced at my office phone.  NO LINE shown on its display.

“Shit.  Oh no come on.  Shit!”

I sat and I pouted.  Too tired and defeated to move.  Too depressed, too overcome with debt, with doubt, with overwhelm.

“What am I even doing here.”

I went home and slept.  I slept until I woke up today at noon.  Still tired, still without energy.  And I called the phone company.  AT&T.

I hate automated answering services.

“This is an automated service.  You can talk to me like a real person.  Please state your problem.”

Me – “I want to talk to a real person.”

“You can talk to me just like a real person.  Please state your problem.”

After about an hour of getting transferred to talk to more robots, and getting hung up on because – “We’re sorry we’re having trouble understanding you.  Please try again later,” I finally been directed to a live person.

Live person – “That number shows up as SNET New England.  It’s different from us.”

Me – “Okay, so I’m not with AT&T then?”

Live person – “It says here you’re with SNET, sorry.  I can’t help you.”

And I was at ground zero again.  This time worse than before.  All the SNET websites out there directed me to AT&T.  They directed me to the same number as before.

And so I called the same number as I did five times previous and got the same talking robot that walked me through the questions I already answered numerous times before.  Only this time, I answered one question differently and was directed to a live person.

“Thank God!”

I told her I severed my phone line.  She told me someone will look at it tomorrow.

“Will I need to be there?”

Her – “No.”

She gave me a ticket number and ended the call.

“But it’s not outside, it’s inside.  Why didn’t she ask me where the phone line was cut?”

Five minutes later another woman from AT&T called and asked me just that.  Where the problem was.  I explained everything.

“This is why we’re here.  Don’t worry, we’ll take care of everything.  The same thing happened to me actually.  Someone will be there tomorrow.”

“Would you be able to have them call me before they come?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you thank you thank you.”

She felt like an angel.  An angel that came to rescue me in my darkest hour.

I had one client today at my other office.  I don’t want to work anymore.  I don’t want my life to be taken over with massaging people over and over again.  Who in their right mind likes this?  Who?

It’s 7:45PM and I should head home.  It was so nice out today and I missed it.  I missed it because I was on the phone with AT&T for most of the day, then had to give a massage.

Life is too short for this.  It goes by way too fast.  My client even told me this.  She’s turning 60 and can’t get over how fast life happens.

Client – “This is sad to say, but I would’ve been happier if I never had kids.”

That comment is besides the point, but just thought I’d share.  I mean shit, right?

All I need is a few more months to stabilize and everything will be okay.  Just a few more months.  It’ll be worth it.  I’ve technically been waiting my whole life for something like this.

The thing I haven’t been waiting for?  Having kids.

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Following my unexplored heart

Life is certainly bizarre.  I could’ve settled into my one-room office doing everything myself, building a 401K, paying off my bills, eventually saving enough for a house.  Get married, double my income, pop out a few kids.

But instead I’m choosing the scarier, more unexplored option by following my heart.

I would’ve been miserable in that other, more stagnant life.  I know what I want, and I don’t want that.

Anytime a person follows their heart, it moves them towards progress.  And while in the act of progressing, you WILL suffer.  It’s all part of the game.  It’s all part of growth.  The suffering that takes place is all done in your own mind.  A rewiring of old beliefs to make room for the new.  You’ll doubt yourself, worry, suffer loss.  Any type of change you face, has to do with also facing some type of loss.

It’s the loss that makes you suffer.

I’m losing the ground beneath my feet and investing everything I have into following my heart.  And I’m doing it all without a mentor, a guide, a Dumbledore to tell me what to do.

Do you have any idea how much an employee actually costs?

I have to pay:

  1. Employer portion of Social Security tax
  2. Employer portion of Medicare tax
  3. State unemployment tax
  4. Federal unemployment tax
  5. Worker compensation insurance

Plus I still have to figure out about liability insurance.  Massage therapists come equipped with their own, but I’m not sure if I need more.  I can’t find this information anywhere!  And I searched my towns website for a general business license, but I can’t figure out how to get my hands on one.  Maybe I don’t need one?  Legal Zoom has a company that says they can get me one for $100, but they might be scammers.  Legal Zoom also offered to obtain an EIN for me for $79, even though it’s free and easy to do yourself.  Research such as this is the stuff I have to learn on my own.  And it’s time consuming.

Before I buy anything, I always do my research.  Just as I did while hunting for a new car.

When I get home from work today, I have to sign my business up with federal unemployment tax and workmen’s comp.  Tomorrow I have a Spa Booker online training seminar at 3:00 and the phone and internet guys are scheduled to come to the office between 1:00 – 3:00.  I have four applicants waiting to hear back from me, a shit ton of Ikea crap that needs to be put together.  My new website has yet to be built.

My deadline is March 31.  If I can be done by March 31, I can leave my old office.  Once I’m moved into my new office and my clients start going there instead, I’ll be somewhat settled.  The transition will near its completion.

I was a live wire of emotion yesterday.  Any cruel look or comment could’ve sent me into a crying frenzy.  Mostly from the Facebook haters.  They really did a number on me.  It’s insane how cruel and hopeless the world feels after getting the shit kicked out of you by 70 plus people.  How everything, and everyone feels mean.  It’s something darker than depression, it’s fear.

And today I feel fine.  I’m back to my old self.

I asked my brother yesterday – “Do you need liability insurance for your workers?”

My brother – “Ha ha I hope you have a lawyer.  Do you have a lawyer?  I paid my lawyer 10 grand last year.  Yes you need insurance and it costs a LOT.”

Me – “Can you help me?  Do you have the name of the guy you use?”

Him – “Sorry, you’re on your own.”

He was back to his phone.

My brother was preoccupied with his phone all while I was trying to talk to him.  He was laughing and saying funny things as usual.

Him – “No ain’t going to help you.  You’re moving in here and taking my business away.  No way.”

Me – “You’re kidding, right?  You must be kidding.”

I literally felt the tears welling up.

Me – “I would help you if you were me.  You really won’t help me?”

Him – “Yeah, I’ll help you.  But I’m still going to spread rumors that your place has maggots.”

I felt a 100 pound weight lift from me when he said that.  I’m not joking when I say I was a live wire of emotion yesterday.  Even though he was having a go at me, I still wanted to cry.  It felt like not only did Facebook people hate me, but my brother hated me as well.

I’m insanely sensitive at times.  Times when I feel not together, when I feel there’s too much that needs to be done and nowhere and no resources to pull from.  It’s like finding myself stranded at the bottom of the ocean with half a tank of oxygen left and no strength to swim up.  I can’t swim up because it’s hopeless and I won’t make it out in time.

But then I bounce back.  Like today.  I’m perfectly fine and have my head back.  Thank God for my resilience.  Maybe my resilience comes from never wanting to give up and lose hope.  I can get through and get over anything because I never give up.  My heart always leads me, and I trust it.

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I’m being chased with pitchforks and torches by an angry mob of Facebookers. Just another regular day in the life of Mel.

“Get a massage by me and find out if you’re an alien!”

This was posted on a billboard for my new massage clinic.  Directly in front of my building.  It even depicted a green alien holding up a peace sign.

“What a great idea!”  I thought to myself.  “People can finally find out if they’re aliens by getting a massage from me.  It’s brilliant!”

Then I woke up.

“Is this really a good idea or was it only a good idea in my dream?”  This was my first thought of today.

Nope, only in my dream.  Damn, it sounded really good.

Today was hard.  First item of the day was to contact Spa Booker for my new online scheduling system.  I’m taking a big hit financially by signing up with them, but the perks of their software are worth it.  I won’t bore you with the details, only that they are fantastic.

The financial hit with Spa Booker sent me into another panic mode frenzy.

“Shit I’m screwed if this doesn’t work.  I don’t even have employee’s yet!”

I freaked and started posting jobs to various sites.  I even posted a job to Massage Nerd, a Facebook support group.  And got shunned.

I’m using Massage Envy’s business structure as my own, and this is the first thing that people spotted about my Facebook ad.  They read between the lines into who I really am – someone looking to profit from another persons hard work.  Duh!  Isn’t that the point of employee’s?

Most massage therapists hate massage chains.  They are the McDonalds of massage, only instead of cheap burgers, I’m selling the same quality burger you’d find anywhere, only cheaper and easier to book with.  They are easier to book with because they hire employee’s to sit there for an hourly wage, take walk-in clients, and are readily available instead of other clinics that have to hunt down their on-call therapists (most of whom ignore the call).

It’s so bizarre when first coming into view of these two clashing worlds.  Therapists who want to massage people for a living, work from home or in their own office to make a modest profit.  They like their job.  They like what they do.

But then there are people like me, the people who view the massage industry differently.  For us, it’s not a way of life, but a profession.  A paid occupation.  It’s a tool to profit from.  I can’t escape the gnawing dread of breaking an arm, or getting a nasty gash on my hand.  If I don’t work, I don’t get paid.  Something must be done about this.  How are others not seeing this?

And so, I’m using Massage Envy as a base model.  Their system is proven to work.

I’m a person that massage therapists hate.  I am a hated person.  Shit.

They hate me because I lower their value, I lower their worth.  It’s all an ego thing with them and they can’t see it!

When someone offends you, it’s because you feel they lowered your worth.  They take things personally.  I shrug my shoulders at everything, but what scares me most right now is that I want to laugh at all the haters.  I have this bubble of laughter in my gut just waiting to explode.

This is not good.  Why do I want to laugh?  These people commenting on my Facebook ad, many of them shunning me with torches and pitchforks, and here I am wanting to laugh at them.  Is it my egoic baser survival instinct kicking on to block all hate?  Or do I see the true nature of the situation and find it comical?  I feel like I’m the older sibling holding a kicking screaming child by their head while their flailing arms and legs aren’t long enough to reach me.  Their fighting makes me laugh.

Am I a sociopath because of this?  No no, I can’t be.  Right?

Anyway, it’s a few hours later and my Facebook ad got well over 90 discriminating comments.  Okay, not all discriminating.  Half of them are for me, while the other half is spewing vile discharge out of their anuses.  Did you know that synthetic vanilla flavoring comes from beaver anal discharge?  Neither did I.

I received my first legitimate response to my help wanted ad from a reputable job search engine, and a woman on Facebook wants to work for me per diem.  Sorry per diem lady, I need stability.

It felt like a half dozen sparrows encased my heart in silk ribbons and lifted it high into the air when I saw her resume in my inbox.

Yes!  Score.  This will work.  This will work.  Eat it Facebook turds.

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How to neurotically shop for a used car

I think I’m a freak or something.

After writing my last post, I searched for cars online.

“Where do I start?  How the hell do I do this?”

My brother – “Just look on consumer reports for reliable cars or something.”

That was the extent of all the help I received.

I did as advised, and ended up on J.D Power.com.  It gives a list of car ratings.  Then I found myself on thecarconnection.com, which also gives ratings.

One site awarded a car, while the other deemed it un-driveable.

Me – “Shit.”

Honda civic received good marks on both sites, so I searched a few websites to see how much they go for.

I looked on autotrader.com, eBay motors, car guru’s, and honda dealerships.  All of which were over my price bracket.

Me – “Maybe I should just buy one on craigs list….”

The thing is, I hate spending money.  I hate gambling money, is more like it.  Craigs list is a gamble.

Buying a used car by owner makes my stomach twist.  My first two cars were sold by owners and both of them were pieces of shit.

The cars people normally sell are either too old, too expensive, or have high mileage (possibly all three).  Spending $3,000 on a 13-year-old car not under warranty with over 80,000 miles on it, won’t last you as long as an $11,000 3-year-old certified car with 40,000 miles and offering free lifetime oil changes.  I mean, right?  Which one makes more sense?  Which is less of a gamble?

These questions sent me into hyperdrive anxiety.  I still have hyperdrive anxiety and it’s nearly 24 hours after writing my last post.

Wow I’m completely neurotic.

I stayed up until 7AM this morning searching for cars.  Twice I had given up and closed my laptop to try to sleep, but I can’t sleep when I need to decide on something.

It’s now 9PM and I found a total of three cars that meet my criteria.  Three.  Only three!

All three are certified vehicles, they’re ranked high in dependability, good on gas, priced below $12,000 (which is a stretch), and in driving range from my house.

2010 Toyota Yaris for $10,900 with 49,310 miles

2011 Nissan Versa for $11,950 with 33,317 miles

2012 Nissan Cube for $10,980 with 39,219 miles

Out of the hundreds of cars I looked at, it comes down to these three.  I’m going to look at the Yaris tomorrow.  The Cube is a much better deal, so I’ll have to check that one out too.

I still can’t believe that these are my only options.  Not my TOP choices, but my only choices.  Am I being neurotic?

Here is my step by step guide on how to shop for a car the neurotic way:

1)  Know your price limit!

2)  Peruse www.thecarconnection.com for the highest ranked cars.

3)  Write them down.

4)  Search auto trader, eBay motors, and car guru’s to see if these cars are in your price range.  Car guru’s is great for this because they tell you if a car is priced too low or too high.

5)  Write everything down.  Take notes!

6) Look at their ratings on www.thecarconnection.com and http://autos.jdpower.com to compare reviews.

7)  Notice how both rating sites give opposing opinions.

8)  Read real costumer reviews and watch YouTube reviews (if available).

9)  Write down (or cross off) the remaining cars that passed with over-all positive marks.

10)  Look on auto trader, eBay motors, and car guru to find these cars in your area.

11)  Notice how none of them are in your area, but you find another car on eBay motors that you might like.

12)  Search for that car on www.thecarconnection.com and compare their rating with http://autos.jdpower.com

13)  Watch YouTube video’s of that car.

14)  Read real owner reviews of that car.

15)  Notice how half of them are bad.

16)  Look on auto trader, eBay motors, and car guru with another $1000 added to your price range.

17)  Find a car that meets your criteria.

18)  Repeat steps 5 – 10.

19)  Oh and try to avoid tunnel vision.  Tunnel vision happens when you fall in love with a car solely on looks or superfluous hype.  If someone should talk against this car, you will get exceedingly angry for no real reason.  That’s how you’ll know if you have tunnel vision.

After 15 hours with no sleep, it’s a universal law that you will end up with approximately three probable cars in your area to choose from.

This is only true if your search depends on these 6 prerequisites:  certified vehicle, ranked high in dependability, good on gas, priced below $12,000, 2010 or younger, and in driving range from your house.

Oh no, I’m looking on craigs list again….

Certified cars are better, right?  I mean logically, I’m spending less over time, right?  I need a valium.

I don’t have valium, so I taken the poor mans valerian root pill.

Holy shit I just realized that this is the first time I’m actually buying a car.

I paid $300 for my first one (my dad knew a guy), and nothing for the following two.

I hope I sleep tonight.

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Here’s some more stuff that I think about

Man-o-man I’m tired.  I went out last night playing cards and drinking beer over a friends house.  My one drink maximum turned into several and I ended up going home at 1:30 AM.

I have to stop doing this.  I have no control.  If you knew me in person, you would understand this about me.  I’m not embellishing.

I’m in work waiting for my next client to get here.  Lucky for me I only have to give two massages today, and then I get to go home and nap for as long as my phone allows.  But you’re not going to let me nap, are you blog?

“Ha!  Napping’s for suckers with binky’s.”

You’re a sucker with a binky!

“Pfff, pansy.”

Anyway, on Christmas I stumbled upon another insight.  Only this time, it wasn’t handed down to me by the almighty “knowing” power that’s out there.  No, I actually used my brain for this one.

It has to do with people who think they’re “too good” for others.  They use the excuse, “well, we just don’t have anything in common”, as their main reasoning.

There are several people I know who told me that they’re either “too good” for someone, or that they have nothing in common with them (most of the time both).  They say this about friends they’ve known for years.  They say it about people who care about them.

And the people who say these things are either divorced or going through a separation.

“Where’s the connection?”  I thought to myself.  “Do they just not want to get hurt again?”

“No, it’s not that simple.”

I’ll use crazy John as an example for this.  He’s the guy I wrote about in my last post.  He’s the guy who felt that he was too good for everyone and dismissed us all by saying we’re all crazy.

Here is what my analytic brain came up with:

John is divorced with two kids.  His wife left him, and not the other way around.  This left a scar on him.  It left the scar of rejection and of not feeling like he was enough for his wife.  He feels not good enough for the person he cares most about.

If John believes he’s not good enough, and agree’s with his ex-wife, then the people in his life who actually do care, won’t be good enough for him.  They’re not good enough because he’s not good enough for himself.

Oh man how can I explain this better?  I said it perfectly in my head on Christmas.

Basically, the only people who are good enough for him, are the one’s who don’t actually care about him.  They’re more valuable to him because he has yet to win their approval and respect.  If he can somehow win their approval, than maybe he can win his wife’s approval too (hence, regaining his power).  But it has to be won by a woman (or man, or people) more attractive, and overall more awesome than his wife.

Anything less will not count.

And because he doesn’t think of himself as being enough, he brags and boasts about his riches to prove that he is enough.  Also, he is undeniably jealous of anyone who is successful and happy.  He’s jealous because he believes (subconsciously) that he can’t have what they have.

His belief in himself was taken away.  No belief = jealousy.  Jealousy = narcissism.

Okay, here’s another way of looking at it;  John misses his wife and nobody can fill the void she left in him.  And because nobody can fill that void, nobody is good enough for him.

I said it better in my head at Christmas.

My next client is going to be 17 minutes late.

John – “I’m a VP in Manhattan and I have money and the life that goes with it.  If you want that life, than give me a call.  That’s all I’m saying.”

Me – “Sometimes it’s not about the life.  It’s about the person.”

(That was an actual discussion we had – it happened after he circled around and I lost him to his ego again.)

I think this is where the initial urge comes from.  The urge for validation that happens when you don’t believe or have faith in yourself.  It all starts with a separation of someone who once approved of you.  They stole your power and left you with nothing.

John’s father and his ex-wife left him powerless.

Gah my last client tried ripping me off!

Me – “Is this a half hour massage?”

I like to double check to cover all my bases.

Him – “That’s right.”

Me – “Since it’s only a half hour, do you want me to just focus on your upper body?”

Him – “No, I like it all over and with a little extra focus on the feet.”

Me – “Okay.”

(I was pissed.  It’s nearly impossible to do this in 30 minutes.)

Him – “Can I make it an hour if the half hour isn’t enough?  I just don’t know if I can do an hour just yet because I’m running an ad.”

Scam!  You are a total scammer!  First off, you were 20 minutes late, you’re calmly chatting with me while in no rush.  Time is obviously no issue for you.  Your phone is in your bag turned off.

Me – “Yeah, that’s fine.”

HIm – “How much is a half hour?”

Me – “$35.”

Him – “And how much for the hour?”

Me – “$70.”

Him – “Okay, is it okay if I use the bathroom first?”

Me – “Sure.”

He was trying to get me to give him a full hour massage without having to pay for it.  I know this scam.  Most of the time it happens inadvertently, very few times has it actually happened on purpose (with a scammer).

I gave him exactly 30 minutes and managed to massage the full body.

Me – “Sorry, it goes by fast.”

HIm – “So if I get the hour, would you just go over everything like you just did?”

Me – “That’s the hard part.  It’s hard giving a massage when I don’t know how much time I have to give it in.”

Him – “Oh, okay.  I’ll get the full hour next time.”

Then of course, he asked me out.  He asked me out because if he couldn’t score a full hour massage for half the price, then at least he can score a date.  I felt it in my guts what was happening.

Me – “Oh, no….no thanks….”

I was too tired to be nice.  I didn’t care at that point.

So anyways, it’s already almost 5 PM and I’m still sitting here at work.  So much for my nap.

I’m really not a hard, cold person.  I may sound like I am, but I only sound like it because I see through people.  I see through everyone and it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I have an incredible insight into the inner workings of people.  I am NOT boasting here.  It’s just that I can’t be fooled by anyone.  I know people better than they know themselves because I’m an outside viewer not emotionally entangled in their ego illusion.  Their beliefs aren’t my own.

Ego connects as much as it separates us from each other.  Compassion happens when you see this happening.  Compassion is not the love you think it is, which is why I want to write about it in my next post.  Our literal definition of compassion doesn’t sit well with me.  It manages to be both vague and narrow (I know that doesn’t make much sense).

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Get Enrolled!

This is a government ad with federal funding aimed at getting gay people to enroll in Obama Care.  Oh man oh man.

Let me take a dramatic pause of confusion.

Is this real or a spoof?  It’s real my friends.  Our government thinks that all gay people are men who walk around naked with six-pack abs and a pretty face.

If this ad is for both gay’s and lesbians, then where’s the butch lesbian in dockers and flannels (since we’re getting into stereotypes)?  Is she out chopping wood for the fire?  Or chopping down a christmas tree for the gay men to prance around and decorate?  Where’s baby Jesus?  Can baby Jesus enroll in Obama Care too?

Would you let your children watch this?

I’m all for Obama Care, don’t get me wrong.  And I like gay people just about as much as I like any person.  But pa-lease ladies, America ain’t no Province town.

I’m one of the few people that will benefit from Obama Care.  That’s the only reason I’m for it.  Unfortunately nobody realizes this yet, but when Obama Care patients get old and need hip replacements and cancer treatments, the government won’t be able to afford to help everyone.  There will be an age limit to determine who’s worth helping.  There is a price for everything and someone will pay.

The real problem lies with how much the hospital charges for a box of tissue’s.  MRI’s are $300 everywhere else in the world, but here in the states, they cost $1,000.  And don’t get me started on prescribed medication.  Old folks have to stock up when visiting Canada, or order online from India and pray their heart medication isn’t a sugar pill.

As soon as I get Obama Care, I plan on taking as much advantage as I can from it.  How long will this last?  Someone’s going to pay and it will be the old folks and the corporations paying the fine because it’s cheaper to pay the fine than it is to enroll.  And anyone stuck with good old-fashioned insurance, they’ll pay too!

It’s a bad idea and I knew it from day one.  But hey, cheap insurance for me suckers!

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Filed under humor, Politics, rant

Why I Don’t Date: Part Two

Damn I hate being right all the time.

The guy I wrote about in my last post, the guy I’m seeing, I was right about everything.

My gut was telling me that he was after two things and two things only:

He wanted sex, which is natural and okay (I never judge a guy for wanting this), but what he really wanted more than sex was validation.  And since sex is tied in with validation, he’d be one of those guys to hit it and quit it.  Sleep with a girl and not call them back the next day.

Why?  Because he doesn’t really like or care about me.  Liking or caring about someone would be too much effort – he would need to either trust the person he cares about, or entrap them into needing/ becoming dependent on him.  He’s one of those guys who has no trust (read my last post).  And where there is no trust, any relationship would be too difficult, too painful and not worth the effort.

I never slept with him, I never gave him the validation he wanted by begging him not to move away, and so he blew me off yesterday.  He blew off the girl whose kisses left him supposedly “flustered” and “breathless”.

“Oh wow, ha ha, I haven’t felt this way since high school.”  He said after kissing me and making “whoa” sounds.  He had to take a step back to “collect” himself.

“You’re full of shit.”  I thought to myself.

He wanted me to take my massage table and bring it to his apartment yesterday.  He was going to pay me to give him a massage at his house.  My empathy felt that he was going to transition it to sex.  It’s not just empathy that can read between the lines, it’s common sense.  Any idiot would know that.

If you really think about it, it would be the closest I can get to prostituting myself.  But prostituting myself isn’t the issue here, I’m not judging him on something that is a silly coincidence.  No, the issue here is, I didn’t lug my table to his house.  I didn’t massage him.  Why?  Two reasons; I’m way too lazy for that kind of bullshit and secondly, all he was after was validation.

And maybe he would’ve called me after.  Maybe we would’ve dated for a while or even gotten married.  Yes, it could’ve gone that far!  But it would’ve been from me playing him like a fiddle.  Taking his weaknesses and using them for my own benefit.  Giving him all that he wants and needs.

I know him too well to not play him.

But what about Love Melanie?  Don’t you love him?

First off, I hardly know the guy and secondly, I can’t love anyone in that way if they’re incapable of loving themselves that way.  If they’re incapable of loving themselves that way, they will never truly love me.

They will always want, always need, and in return, I will always manipulate.

Back in the day I had my fun with this.  I had my fun until my guilt pushed me into compassion.  I no longer wanted to hurt or to use others for my benefit even though my rational brain thought, “hey, they’re having fun too.  They enjoy my company so it’s okay.”

I have yet to meet a person who is head over heals in love with themselves.  I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t need validation.  I have never met anyone who has unconditional love and trust.

I don’t play games with people.  I am always here for them.  I always respond back (eventually), include them in my life, and care about them.

I’m always the one with the power in a relationship because I’m the one who loves herself.  The one who doesn’t need anyone.  And then when I see these games being played, all I see is them trying to tip the scales in their favor, wanting me to become the one who wants and needs – it’s not going to happen, sorry buddy.

If I hurt a person, I do all I can to fix things and make it right.  In the case with the guy I’m seeing, he’s only hurting himself and blaming me – he doesn’t care enough to fix anything because you can’t care or feel compassion towards a person if you’re too busy blaming them.

I know what I did.  I didn’t love him the way he wanted to be loved.  Please refer to my Stupid People post (it’s really good!).

When you’re not getting the love you want, you blame the other person.  However, if you truly care and empathize with this person, you take responsibility and try to fix your mistakes.

In this case, I’m not giving him the validation he needs.  That is my mistake.  He has conditional love for me, he’ll only love me if I give him validation – it’s not real love.

If I agreed that his needs are valid, I would hold myself accountable and fix my mistakes.  But they’re only egoic fear-based needs.  They’re not my mistakes, but his own doing.  It’s his own doing because he has no trust in himself or in others.  He’s the victim of his own doubt.

And because he’s unable to see into himself, he’ll always be the one who blames.  And because of this, he will always see the worst in me even when it’s not there.  He will stray further away from trusting himself, and further away from trusting me.

Love for me, is inspiration.  It’s a warm palpable love that transcends all weaknesses and see’s into the heart of who you really are.  It can be painful, as real love often is (because you have to confront your demons), but It’s a partnership and a team.  A team that see’s the core being in each other.  It’s transfixed like in a family.  No matter what, that love never goes away.  It’s a foundation in which your true spirit arises.

Why do people have to wait or rescind their love until they know for certain the other person care’s about them?  How can they turn everything off and put it all on hold?

As long as you need a persons love, it will never be real love.  It’s not compassion.  It’s not empathy.  It’s need.  It’s validation.

Real love transcends all that.  Real love transcends all need and lets you let go.  It helps you let go of all attachment whether it be people, things, comfort, security..

It’s complete understanding (empathy) and when you can understand completely, you can let go.  You let go of all that is unimportant.

It’s not about putting your love on “hold” until it’s reciprocated.  Real love let’s you transcend all that.  And remember, it has to start with you.  You have to have unconditional transcending love (and trust) for yourself before you can grasp what I’m even saying.  Trust that you are lovable and are worthy of being loved so you can fully love yourself.  And in return, others will fully love you.

The love is already there and people like to take the road of least resistance.  It’s the law of attraction, if you’re familiar with it.

Relationships help you become your stronger self.  And once a person get’s their fill and starts believing in themselves, they drop whoever they’re with because they no longer need them.  Their validation is full.  Again, this is not real love.  That stronger person now has the power in the relationship because they don’t need validation from that person anymore.  They have no need for them.  They begin to resent their spouse or lover for their weakness of being attached.  The same weakness that fed the person in power their validation.

I know all this because I was one of those people.  The person not needing validation.  It was only my empathy and compassion brought about from guilt that made me realize the damage I was doing to a person’s heart.  The person that I no longer needed.

I learned transcendant love.  I learned family, foundation, inspiration, partnership.  I learned to use my empathy for compassion, not power.  I learned what real love is.  Real love is family and family is relative.  Family is where your heart is.  They don’t want anything from you, they only want what’s best for you.  They want to see you succeed and be happy.

When a person can only love you for what you bring (provide) them, it’s not real love.  Love is about seeing potential (beauty) in others.

Being the stronger person helps you to let go of people, but transcendent love connects you to them.  You want them to be in your life because you truly care and love them.  And because you truly care and love them, you will always be there even when they push you away – even when they don’t need you anymore.  That’s what family is for.  A return home after life’s journey teaches you hard lessons.  You return home.  You return to what matters.

It takes a strong person to have transcendent love, but it’s the answer and solution to everything.  It’s the only thing that’s real.

If the guy I’m seeing, if he really cared about me, he would call.  And I will answer.   I’ll answer because I care about him.  But all romantic notions are gone from me now.  I’m incapable of loving anyone superficially.  I hate to say I lost respect for the guy, but I did.  I can’t love anyone intimately whom I don’t respect.

And the games he’s playing are child’s play to me.  They’re so transparent.  He has no idea of my breadth of understanding.

So no, I did not bring my massage table to his house.  Instead, I gave a massage at work to a favorite client of mine, I went hiking with friends, visited a friend at her house, visited another friend who cooked me dinner.  I extended an invitation for him to join me in all of that (minus going to work with me).  But because he wasn’t getting what he wanted, he blew me off.

The more you need from a person, the more you push them away.  It’s the opposite of family and transcendent love.  You push them away so they can’t hurt you.  You hurt them back so you can tip the scale in your power.  You hurt them to prove to yourself that you don’t need them and you want them to feel the pain they caused you.

All of that DOES NOT MATTER.

There is no logic to it.  Why would you ever want to hurt a person who care’s about you?  And it’s for this reason, why I think the world is insane.

My ex-boyfriend, Dave, know’s transcendental love.  It’s because of his transcendent love that allow’s him to keep me in his life, and for that, he will always be family.  And I will always love him unconditionally.  But I can’t love him intimately because he lost my respect (it’s a long story I won’t get into).  I respect him, but I’m not in respect with him.  You get me?

I know it doesn’t make much sense, but it’s like, I respect him as a person living his own path in life, but I don’t agree with his actions.  That little twinge of respect that is needed to push me into loving him intimately is gone.

And so, this is why I don’t date.

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

Here’s why I don’t date…

There are many types of intelligences.   Going into detail trying to explain them all would make for a lengthy blog post, but I want to keep this short cause I’m drunk, tired, and have to work a lot tomorrow.  And after work, I agreed to go to a party.

Anyway, I lack in a bunch of smarts, but what I do have is an extremely high empathy intelligence.  I hate to say it but, yeah, I can read minds.  Yes I can!

It sucks because most of the time I’m left confused.  (I’m not being deluded here, it’s true!)

So anyway, the guy I’m seeing, I don’t know….

It’s like he needs validation or something.  He wants that commitment validation.

“I think I’m moving back to Canada.”

“Oh no, that sucks.  But I completely understand.  You have to go where your heart is.”

And that’s the crazy thing, I DO understand!  I could never imagine living any place where my family isn’t.  It’s absurd.

But sadly, I’m empathetic….I’m empathetic and I feel it was a test.  A game.  How committed are you Melanie?  I don’t know, I only just met you!  Why should it matter what I think?

I know most of you are thinking I’m high on myself or that I’m thinking too much, or that maybe he really was sincere.  Yes, okay, all that may be true, who knows?

But all I know is that I’m not looking to be someone’s validation.  Why?  Because I, myself, don’t need validation.  No, that’s not true, everyone needs it.  But, I don’t know, I guess I don’t need it that much?

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, I don’t want to be needed.  I don’t want to fill anyone’s void.  And I certainly don’t want to be the sole reason to keep someone away from their family.  That’s not me!  All I really care about, you want to know what it is?  What I’m really looking for?  I’m looking for someone who genuinely cares about me.  A person who doesn’t want to hurt me even when I inadvertently hurt them.  You know why they don’t want to hurt me?  Because they care.  Because they have compassion.

Validation…

Here’s the thing, I like the guy.  I really like him.  But then he goes and says something like this, making me feel like the right answer should be, “oh no, don’t leave.  It would crush me!”

That’s just not going to happen.

My empathy leaves me confused because I feel a person feeling one way, and then say or do the complete opposite.  This is why I need people to shout the truth in my face and be brutally honest, or I won’t get it.

I can’t take hints, which is completely contradictory to being empathetic.  I can’t take hints because my naivety (or trust, rather) believes every word I hear.

I never know what to think or believe…

In this case, he’s hinting on commitment and finding out how much I like him.  In other words, he doesn’t trust the fact that I like him.  He doesn’t trust me.  And what it comes down to is, he doesn’t trust himself to be lovable – being a person who is lovable.

You can only trust a person as much as you trust yourself.  This is true!  I don’t care if it’s the stinking Law of Fives that brought me to this understanding, but it feels very real and very valid.

The crumby part is, he’ll always need validation.  He’ll refer to validation more so than trust.  It’s what he knows.

And people who constantly need validation are often the jealous type.  They’re jealous because they don’t trust themselves to be enough, and they don’t trust the person they’re with if they don’t have an iron clad hold on them.  They feed off clingy reassurance, and in the end, will resent this clingy reassurance.

I don’t get it.  I’m so confused.  I would never tell someone I’m moving away just to hook them in closer.  I can’t wrap my head around it.

Being a high empath is not what you think it is.  It’s more confusing, more heartbreaking than you would like or expect.  And worse of all, it makes me feel completely alone in the world.  It makes me feel weak, with the world on my shoulders.  But in this case it’s not the world, but a heart.  A pure, innocent heart that needs love.

I hand myself over to others wholeheartedly, I really do.  But I don’t want anything from anyone in return.  I don’t expect anything from them.  I only want what’s best for all parties involved.  And because I put myself aside to see others, and I don’t want anything back, it backfires on me as being callous or aloof.

I drank my beer and said, “I completely understand.”

My empathy felt that he really is considering moving back, but he was using it as a tool.

And then he went on to tell me how what a great kisser I am and how he didn’t feel that way since high school.  My bullshit detector went on high voltage red alert for that one.

My empathy told me he wasn’t being sincere.  My bullshit detector is impeccable.  I hate the damn thing.

It’s confusing is what it is.  A part of him means it, he wants to believe it, but another part of him is using it for validation.  A way to hook me in.

I know what you’re thinking…

I’m the one with the trust issue’s and I should lay off the poor guy.  I’m an asshole who write’s a secret blog that rips apart my true intensions along with everyone else’s.  And yes, this may be true.  What the hell do I know?

And on the flip side, what does it even matter?  So what if he’s testing me and wants to know?  It’s NOT wrong to want to know how much I care.

It’s just that, I hardly see him and when I do, he springs these questions on me.  This is not the first time he put me in this position.

Who am I?  What makes me the powerful almighty person to tell him what he’s worth?  He has to figure that shit out on his own.

And just think 5 or 10 years from now when we break-up, he’ll blame me for wasting all his time.  He’ll resent me for keeping him away from his family and friends for nothing.

It’s a huge weight on my shoulders.  A lot of pressure.  It feels like entrapment.

So…I’m going to lay off for a while.  If it’s validation he’s after, he’ll easily find a replacement for me.  If he really cares about me, he would want to keep me in his life – even of he does move away, he’ll still want to make the effort to keep in contact.  If he doesn’t keep me in his life, than he wants to be with me for shallow reasons.  It’s not real.

Plus we don’t really have that much in common…

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Filed under All about me, journal, random thoughts, rant, Self help

Stupid People

You always know when you’re talking to a stupid person because when you talk to them, it feels like you’re the only one listening.  It feels like you’re the only one in the room.  What I mean by stupid is, having no substance.

I don’t want to freak people out by writing this post.  Getting y’all paranoid with wondering whether or not you’re one of the stupid ones.  Here’s some reassurance for you; if you’re reading this post, you are definitely NOT stupid.

You have to know what I’m talking about though, right?  People that look straight through you?

Substance is love, love is awareness.  Hold that thought, I’ll get to that in a moment.

A dumb person of low intelligence can still have substance.  They may be dumb, but not stupid – you know what I mean?  A dumb person can have heart.  Like Forest Gump.

A stupid person having no substance is dumb squared.  They are an empty 3D optical illusion.  You think you’re talking to a real person, but nope.  Nobody’s home.

I want to pinpoint exactly why this is.  It’s important to know, because we all suffer from this to some degree.

Think shallow.  No depth.  But why?  Why are people so shallow?

In my analytical mind, it’s because they don’t know love.  They know ego love and need, but not real love.  They only know the love that addiction (attachment) provides.  They essentially love only their attachments.  The things that make them happy.

These addictions can be people, things, power, money, attention.  They prioritize these addictions giving added attention to those they need most.

When a person is only able to love themselves if they wear nice clothes or look pretty in the mirror, when they can only love themselves because they feel accomplished or better than the rest – all of this, is not real love.  There’s no depth, you get me?  It’s only addiction.  Only fear.  Inside they are hollow.

Like for instance, if a person dismisses you for your crooked teeth.  Let’s take a moment to look at that.

If a person dismisses you for your weight, birthmarks, sexual orientation, tattoo’s…etc, they are seeing things that don’t please them.  They see things they can’t love because their love comes from addiction, from ego.  They’re incapable of seeing outside themselves, and instead, see only things they want.  Things they need.  And if you don’t provide them with anything, you will be judged.  Judged for not fitting the mold that society bases your worth on – the same society they base their worth on.

You will be judged because you don’t measure up to the things that make them happy.  When society won’t accept you, they won’t accept you.

(When it comes to sexual attraction, well, that’s a whole ‘nother can of beans I won’t get into.)

It’s like a coin.  Two opposing sides.  It’s very hard to see what I’m saying if your perception is turned on the judgmental side.  It’s hard to know what I’m talking about if you haven’t experienced love yet.

As a result, a blank person happens.  Someone who chews gum with their mouth open.  Someone who spends their entire paycheck on stuff that makes them look and feel good.  Stuff that makes them feel accepted and “loved”.  Of course (I don’t want to get too into it), spending money on things that make you feel good is okay to do as long as you’re not basing your worth on the things you buy.

A blank person doesn’t know what real love is.  They only love the things that make them happy.  They don’t know compassion.

So when you talk to them, they’re not there.  They’re only waiting for that next rush of feeling, the next high – anything to stop the numbness, the emptiness.  The emptiness that comes with having no faith.  No heart.

“You’re nobody.  You’re not important enough to talk to.  What can I possibly gain by talking to you?  There’s nothing I want from you.”

According to karma, when you’re a blank to others because they’re not giving you what you need, you won’t get anything from anyone in return.

And these people are stupid!  They stop learning new things.  They stop being curious.  They are zombies living off validation from others.  And when they are cruel and dismissive, that’s just another tool they use for validation.

“Yes I can dismiss you because I’m better than you.”

This description is the worst possible degree of an egoic fear based perception.  At it’s worst, they can’t relate to anyone and when they can’t relate, they can’t understand, see, or experience.  And because we fear the unknown, our survival trumps compassion.

So what is this real love I’m referring to?

It happens when you put yourself aside and see the humanity and worth in others.  When you can recognize yourself in them.  It’s all about compassion.  Compassion is what ties us together.  Being in the present moment with someone can aid you into this discovery.

Having children let’s you experience this compassion.  It let’s you see what’s important verses what isn’t.  It’s a vision into seeing what’s real.

The love most of us are familiar with is the love built on need.  Back in the day this made sense.  It took at least two (if not more) people to survive, and their children were an investment to ensure their survival into old age.

We are slowly evolving away from this need.  We are embarking on a new era of independence.  Our mass consciousness that creates this world is forming a new one with unlimited opportunities and potential.   People are beginning to wake up.

People asleep don’t know they’re asleep.  They have no perception outside their own – which is completely true for everyone.

How can I prove this?

Relationships are an excellent way into discovering your degree of ego/fear.  If the person you’re with doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved, fear and attachment arises.  You judge your mate for not providing you what you need.  You are essentially living in only seeing yourself.

There are so many questions and points you can bring up to argue what I’m saying.

“He doesn’t show me affection, he’s cold towards me, I’m losing him.  How can you say what I’m feeling isn’t valid?”

Hold on, I’ll tell you!  There are answers!  What you’re feeling is totally valid, but allow me to tell you a secret, if I may be so bold.

You can’t understand what I’m saying if you’re living on the “fear” side of the coin.  The fear side only let’s you see yourself, not others.  The fear side is seeing out of the eyes of the black wolf – the wolf that doesn’t fight for equality, but for entitlement, resentment and greed.

The secret is hard to put into words because anything having to do with shifting perception is often visually experienced, not intellectualized.

The secret is that you must put yourself aside and see him.  I mean really see him.  When you do this, you are living in the present moment of awareness.  The reality around you becomes crisp and in focus when you put yourself aside to truly see others.  And in return, you will truly see yourself.  You stop connecting with him out of the ways you want to be loved, and instead, connect with him on ways he wants to be loved.

And in accordance with the laws of karma, in return you will be loved exactly how you want to be loved.

Take yourself out of the equation so you can see everything clearly.  What’s a good analogy for this?

When you’re responsible for the life of a baby, you intuitively take yourself out of the equation so you can clearly see the needs of your child.  And if you get really good at this, you can intuit what the baby needs.  And in return, your baby will love you and devote themselves to you.  That is of course, until the day comes when they’re older and you start judging them for not providing you with the love you want/deserve.

It’s cyclical, you see?

You still don’t see?

“But I’m dealing with a grown man, not a child!  Why should I sacrifice myself for a grown baby?”

This brings me back to the beginning.  People ARE stupid!  When you take yourself out of the equation, see the apparent ways of how your significant other wants to be loved and treated, you’ll see his ego needs and shallowness.  Instead of feeling hurt and blaming yourself, you empower yourself.

The question you have to ask yourself is, do you truly care about this person?  Or are you using him for your own attachment to filling a void?  When you start seeing him clearly for who he is, you can let go.  You place yourself on the opposing side of the coin.  The white wolf side of the coin has no attachments.

It’s so hard to do, so hard to explain and yes, it take practice, mindfulness, and focus.  It can take years to evolve and grow into awareness.

When you truly care for someone that goes beyond filling your void, you learn to accept him or her for who they are.  It’s like accepting family members who continuously torment you.  And no, don’t ever sacrifice yourself.  Just be aware of what’s really happening.  People ARE idiots.

When a baby grows up and starts screaming for attention, purposely going out of their way to torment you when they don’t get their way, what do you do?  You don’t reward their bad behavior by giving them whatever they want.  No, you discipline them and teach them right from wrong.

But this is the opposite of what we actually do.  We reward bad behavior because we get attached to people.  And because we only see ourselves and how we want to be treated, we give people whatever they ask for because that is how us grown “adults” want to be treated.  We are attached, and so wish the other person to be as well.

And yes, some parents reward bad behavior because they grown dependent on their kids.  Either that, or they take the easy way out.

“Well, he’ll always love me if I keep buying him stuff.”

And sometimes this works.  Entire marriages can be based on codependency.  In fact, most of them are!  It’s living in a dream, not reality.  The dream of attachment, survival, judgement and conditional love.  Love that you believe is real.  This type of love and attachment is blinding.

Suffering and pain cuts open a channel in your heart to force you into asking the question; Why?.

“Why” is God.  Curiosity is the cord connecting you to awareness.  Being in pain and getting it out, makes room inside to let truth and love in.  But it becomes a constant battle between the dark and light wolves.  That’s where people are today.  Battling their demons.

Battling attachments, letting go, having faith.  That’s where we are in present day society.

It’s all in the seeing, that’s why it’s so hard to explain.  You have to teach yourself how to see.  The trick is to step out of yourself and be in the present environment of the moment.  Feel it out.  Relate to people on their mode of understanding.  Once you step out of yourself, you can achieve this.  And once you achieve it, you can plainly see how stupid people really are.  But you also see their beauty and potential.  The stuff that really matters.

I know I sound mean and that I’m being the judgmental discriminating one, but it’s compassion that opens up the window into seeing.  If you’re not compassionate and don’t truly care for people, you will never see out of this window and continue to see only yourself.

The people of substance know all this to some degree.  That’s why when you’re with them, it’s as if they know exactly who you are – they see exactly who you are.  And if they see the best in you, you become attached to how they see you – what they believe about you.  And well, you know the rest.

I know it’s hard to wrap your head around all that, trust me, I know.

Okay, I think I’m done now.

I got all this from a few clients I massaged.

People are stupid…

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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help, Uncategorized