Category Archives: random thoughts

Here’s a transfixed ramble before I leave for Thailand tonight!

I woke up last night at 3 A.M feeling like I had to throw up.

“Why do I have to throw up?  I haven’t drank anything.”

Then a mini thunder storm erupted in my bowels.

“What did I eat?”

I wanted to get up, but couldn’t.  Every muscle felt weak.  All I could do was lay in bed and decide on whether I wanted to puke or to shit.  Then I realized I’d have to do both sooner or later and I wondered which one will happen first.  Which one I had the least control over.  And that was shit.

I shit like I never shit before.  Then I brushed my teeth because it was 3 A.M and I had morning mouth already – I threw up while I was brushing my teeth.

And so I brushed again.

But man I was sick.  Dizzy, out of breath, brain malfunctioning, black spots.

I couldn’t stand for more than a minute without needing to sit down.

Why?  From half a malaria pill that’s why!  I went online and read the side-effects and one of them were seizures – seizures!  I knew in my heart of hearts that what I was feeling (brain malfunctioning, light-headedness, black spots), are all symptoms leading up to a seizure.  I just knew, you know?  So yeah, no more malaria pills for this girl.  I’ll take my chances with the bugs.

The exhaustion I felt yesterday was impenetrable.  I couldn’t watch tv without feeling sick – I couldn’t listen to my audiobook.  Have you ever felt that sick?

It’s now the next day.  I missed my window to go to the Thai embassy in NY so I’m hoping they’ll still let me on the plane to Thailand.

My stomach is gurgling.  I have a client coming in an hour and a half.

It’s a few days later.  One day away from Thailand and omg…..

OMG!

I underwent a series of events yesterday all leading up to a new understanding about life.  It was incredible.  It all started with my new employee when she spelled the word “does” wrong.

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I cringed at the sight of it.

“There’s a reason why I didn’t hire her in the first place.”

The way my brain operates is, I try to see all sides of a situation before my judgements blind me from seeing truth.  I won’t go into too much detail, but I was once again brought to the conclusion that whatever you believe about a person, you will find.  You’ll keep finding truth to your judgements until that person’s own belief about themselves rises to meet your challenge.

If you dumb yourself down, holding back judgement, in a way, that person you’re holding judgment from will never evolve.  Placating people is a means to enable them.  And when you enable a person – nobody has any power.  It’s a stalemate and an egoic feeding frenzy that circulates back and forth into a spiral.  Placating is not diplomatic, it’s conforming – conceding.  Nobody wins.

I usually close my eyes and say to myself, “all will be well.”  I try not to judge and instead, close my eyes.  If I didn’t close my eyes, nobody will ever like me.  Trust me, they wouldn’t.

“You meant to say “does”, right?”

But what it comes down to is this; (when you’re not enabling stupid behavior and you’re being forthright in your assessments) if their power of belief about themselves overcasts your initial assessment of them, they become worthy of respect.  And since we all judge people from our own perspectives and values, what we believe about someone may be completely opposite of what someone else see’s in them.

The thing I value most is intelligence.  Lack of intelligence is the only thing that annoys me about people.  Feeling annoyed is a subtle branch of anger and hatred.  It’s placing blame to avoid having to deal with our own issues. If we accept people for who they are, this annoyance towards them disappears (it taken me 11 years to realize this).  However, when their behavior affects you in a way where you can’t accept it, remaining passive with your eyes closed will not benefit anyone.

It is more compassionate and giving to express your anger rather than holding onto it.  Expressing anger to someone who upset you is the more compassionate choice.

Since I judge people based on their intelligence, I have absolute power over anyone who annoys me for the sole reason that I don’t care what they think about me.

“Prove to me that you’re not an idiot.  I don’t need to prove anything to you because if an idiot thinks I’m an idiot, it cancels itself out.”

Why do I feel the need to close my eyes during all this?  Because it’s the easy thing to do.  But the right thing to do is most often the hardest.

Expressing our values in a show of annoyance, blame, and judgement – exposes our truest selves.  And the most pig-headed people have no awareness of their truest selves – even while exposing themselves to the wolves.

To find out what you value most, look to see what makes you angry and annoyed – it’s there where you’ll find it.

A dangerous value to have is believing that you’re always right.  By having this value, anytime someone opposes you, you will get defensive and angry.  You can end up running from the truth, and running from yourself.  All mental illness stems from avoiding truth.

Believing that you are always right is a trait of a superficial survivalist who will suffer a mental melt down if their perspective is challenged.  Why?  Because if the world they constructed is wrong, nothing will ever make sense again.  Their foundation is gone.  The void of emptiness (the bad kind), swallows them whole.  Admitting when you’re wrong without experiencing emotions of anger, annoyance, or embarrassment, is the trait of a truly strong person.  A person with faith, not fear.

I also value humility.  I know this for sure because I loathe narcissists – well, we are all narcissists but there’s a scale on how bad we can be.  The more validation you need, the higher you are on the scale.  The stronger our sociopathic traits (we are all sociopaths too), the further up you go.

Ayahuasca told me that we are all worthy of equal respect, but here in the physical realm where the ego is inescapable and spiritual evolution is our only goal – the spirit laws don’t apply here.  Only in death do they apply.

It’s all part of the game.

Growth and belief.  You grow and your perception widens – you’re able to understand more.  Expressing our value’s to others is a way for us to evolve.  You contribute nothing while placating and keeping your eyes shut.

This idea taken me to my own life.  My own growth process.

Up until, oh I don’t know…..YESTERDAY, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.  I didn’t know what made me truly happy.  Since I was a kid, I wanted and fantasized about every career under the sun.  Then I found my business which brought me direction and goals – but are my present goals really what my heart wants?

Rational brain – “You’re only happy when others are happy.”

Yeah but it’s not lasting.  It’s transient.  Who am I in-between those laughs?  Who am I when a friend carries with them a heavy heart?

Rational brain – “Everything is transient and meaningless.  Leave the in-between part for growth and possibilities.  Never cement yourself.

In the grand scope of things yes, life is transient and meaningless.  I agree that’s it’s improbable and unwise to be happy all of the time.  But It’s about having a foundation – one that is built upon seeing and experiencing my own potential….

A few hours later…..

DAmn I’m drunk.

I trained my new therapist, went to my brothers holiday party and then to a friends house and now I’m here at home drunk wanting to sleep.

I was onto something fierce before.  A good ol’ fashioned head squashing.  But now it’s 2 A.M and I want to watch Japanese anime like the freak-show that I am.  I’m eating left over steak.  Hunter X Hunter is the Japanese anime if you’re wondering.  I’m HOOKED.  I’m being completely honest here when I say this show is amazing.  Why the hell do I like this shit so much?  It’s not normal!  I don’t just like it, I LOVE it!

My brother had a holiday party at his spa tonight.  He had a party last year if you care to scroll back to read about it.  Here’s a pick of me and my folks:

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I love these people more than words can explain.  I cradle their heads in my hands and kiss their cheeks every night wishing them a good-night before I head downstairs to my domicile.  I break out in cold sweats whenever my mother walks on icy terrain.  I cry silent tears when my father can’t write his own name with his shaking hand.

OMG I love my parents.  So much so that it hurts, you know?  It’s this side of me that’s both my weakness and my strength.  The side that I hide from everybody, but eventually I’m sure it leaks out and once it does, it’s viewed only as weakness.  Insurmountable love.  A sentimentality that stagnates and circles around like a little eddie.  Never to venture off into the blue unknown.  That’s what love is.  It’s the familiar, the net.  It’s what enables you.

Both weakness and strength…

Oh man, yesterdays epiphany was awesome but it’s gone now.  If I weren’t so busy earlier I could’ve captured the remnants of it.  But I leave tomorrow for Thailand so there’s no time.  I must post this unfinished thought.

Shit….

So much left unsaid.

I went to visit my best friend in Minnesota for Thanksgiving last week.  Here’s a video to capture the moments.  Held safe here in my memory bank blog for all the world to see.

I’m so tired.  I’m leaving tomorrow at 2 A.M.  My computer screen is so bright.  I gotta get some zzzz….

It’s now the next day.  I’m beyond tired.  I was so hungover this morning and slept for about 4 hours before having to go to work to give a massage and hand out Christmas cards to my employee’s.  They each got $50 and the 3 girls working today all gave me big hugs and wished me well on my trip.

This trip feels destined.  Like I was never not meant to go.

I need to nap big time, finish packing, take a shower before I leave and that’s it.  Then it’ll mostly be video blogs for the next 36 days.

And so my hero’s journey continue’s….

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Travel, video's

Miserable Melanie

My crazy aunt and homoscidal cousin are back here living with us again.  My happiness lasted for about a day and a half….

Damn hard day today was.

I had to go into work early for a client I never massaged before.  He was a man with a Groupon – he bought his massage from an online deal site and if I had one of my therapists massage him, it would’ve only cost me $3.

I pay my therapists $10 when they don’t have any clients, and $13 an hour for online deal clients (I know it sounds cheap, but we’re not massaging many deal clients anymore).

So, I went into work and saved myself $3.  I resented being there – I loathed it.  I was only there because of a technical malfunction.  He was a big black man with thick dreads and he kept his shorts on so I couldn’t massage anything above the knee (because his shorts were in the way), he didn’t want to put his head in the face cradle which made it hard for me to massage his neck and shoulders – and he wanted his abdomen massaged.  His thick dreads got in the way of massaging his neck.  Basically it sucked.  He was really nice though…

When the 60-minutes were up and I told him his massage was over, he looked up at me and said, “I thought I had 90 minutes?”

I’m the one who booked the appointment and there was no mention of it being 90-minutes.

Damn.  I massaged him all over again in a half-hour.  He liked it though, so that’s what’s important.

I worked a lot this week and kept reminding myself that starting next week, my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays for me.  I’ll be free.  I always think I’ll be free, but no matter how many therapists I got working for me, I seem to always get booked.

I went home after massaging Mr. Dreadlocks and watched some TV and tried to relax without letting my crazy aunt and cousin eat at me little by little with running water and weird OCD grunts and my aunt saying “I love you, I’ll be right there” to her 45 year old son plugging up his ears and humming to himself – no he has no mental retardation.

“I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.”  I opened my laptop to look at apartments.

“20 more members.  I need 20 more members and I can afford one.”

I started going crazy.  Members.  All I could think about were members.  I need I need, I want I want.  I started spiraling into that dark place of hopelessness.  My whole world revolving around members.

“I need to pay my debt first.  I need more members to pay off my debt.”

“I’m stuck.  I’m stuck here.”

I closed my laptop and took a deep breath and thanked the lord I was going to Thailand.  I thanked the lord for giving me 128 members.  I thanked my new therapist who’ll be taking over Tuesdays and Wednesdays for me.  Thank you thank you thank you!

I went back to work for my last two clients.  One of whom being one of my favorite people to massage.  I made a full recovery out of the spiraling darkness.  How the hell do I do that?  My resilience never ceases to amaze me – seriously!

But then I got smacked in the gut hard with a dagger of a fist.

My new therapist:  “I have to tell you something and it’s not good news, but not horrible either.”

Me:  “Are you pregnant?”

Before she responded to that, I braced myself and remembered to remain calm.  Breathe, just breathe Mel.  Is asking an employee if they’re pregnant considered sexual harassment?  Probably.

New therapist:  “No, I got offered another job with benefits at a hospital and I need to cut my hours.  I can only work Tuesdays starting on the first.”

Me:  “Oh….”

New therapist:  “I feel bad because I asked for all those new hours.”

Is that why you feel bad?  You don’t feel bad because you’re only giving me a weeks notice and I’m going to freaking Thailand in two weeks?!

I didn’t say that, but I was screaming it in my head.  On the exterior, I was calm and understanding.

No no no no oh please god no no no no.

As soon as she left, I went on the schedule and blocked her shifts off before anyone else can book with her online.  Of course she had clients booked up until Dec 22, of course.  And of course she works Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday – why wouldn’t she?  Without her here, I’ll only have one therapist working weeknights for all of December while I’m in Thailand.  And we are BUSY.  We’re actually doing phenomenal here as far as clients and money goes – this month felt like a gift from god monetary wise.  But money means nothing if clients aren’t happy.

“I have to find someone ASAP ASAP!”

I went on zip recruiter to repost my job ad, but my initiation price expired and the price they wanted went up to $100 a month.  WTF zip recruiter?

I grabbed my old pile of job applicants and sifted through them instead.

“no, no, definitely not her, eh, nah, wait who’s this?  Oh yes!  Oh please oh please god….”

I found an application from a girl who applied here in April when we first opened.  I loved her and wanted to hire her but I held back because she didn’t seem confident enough.

I rolled my chair back over to the desktop and typed her up a pleading email.  Well, not horribly pleading, but pleading enough.  I sent it.

I waited 5 minutes.  I waited 10 minutes.  I was just staring at the computer screen.

“That’s all I can do.  I can’t do anything else about it tonight so I should just go home.”

But I didn’t go home, no.  I texted her instead.  She replied with:

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And once again, I made a full recovery back into feeling fantastic.  She’s willing to put in her two weeks at her other job tomorrow.  Words can’t explain how thankful I am.

The girl who cut her hours, honestly I didn’t think much of her anyway.  She’s one of those athletic types, you know what I mean?  Running, lifting, drinking kerotine or whatever it’s called.  I don’t get it.  I’m not saying she’s a bad person, just one of those types who have absolutely nothing in common with me.  It’s always the athletic type that I have the least in common with.  It’s weird because I really like karate and I run to my car in parking lots.

The person I have the most in common with?  My 22 year old puerto rican male therapist.  I adore him!  He ran track in high school, but he did it for fun because he thought he was the fasted kid ever.  We discuss video games and how much we don’t like dating.  And he has a true bona-fide love for people just like I do.  I can see it just by the way he treats people – he really cares.  He treats old people with genuine kindness.  Not to mention he’s a goldmine as far as clients re-booking with him goes.

Male therapist:  “We’re like the same person you and me, it’s scary.”

Me:  “Ha ha, I know!”

This new girl I’m hiring, I feel like she’ll be a narcissistic supply for me, you know what I mean?  One of those people who feeds ego’s.  All my other employee’s make me feel good about myself, sure, but then you meet someone who looks up to you and they hang on your every word more so than normal.  It’s not about love, but admiration and inferiority.

When something inspires you, it’s because you want to find that same hidden gift inside yourself.  It’s not real love, but a key.  Once that lock is opened, the love for the thing that once inspired you is gone and you’re left with nothing but love for yourself.  I know this is true, trust me.

And once you’ve opened the gift inside yourself, you want to keep it by never returning the power back to its source, so you push the original owner of the key down into inferiority.  Gaining power is what happens.  Stupid ego…

This is why celebrity gossip can crush a career.  Why oceans of people can tear a person down who once stood so high.  If celebrities, politicians, or any type of leader can make a mistake, that means they’re no better than the rest of us.  All their greatness gets transferred over to the people judging them.   It’s inspiring to know that great people are no better than the rest, so we keep the offenders far below our stilettos until we get inspired by a new target that is far more superior than anyone who has ever lived in our lifetime!  And then of course, ruthlessly crush them when they fail.

Martyr’s…I guess it’s part of our evolutionary process.

Truthfully, ego-feeders annoy me because of this.  But they have no idea what’s going on, so they can’t help it.

Whenever I’m admired I always I have the thought in my head, “find your own, don’t take mine.”  Because that’s what it feels like.  It feels like taking someone else’s gold nuggets without bothering to find your own.

I end up sounding rude, impatient, or being in a generally bad mood.

It’s a good thing I don’t have many admirers.  It’s a shitty thing to be admired.

 

 

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

Wabi Sabi

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wabi sabi

 

I’m going through a period of repose and it reminds me of the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi.  It touches on the three main buddhist teachings of impermanence, suffering, and emptiness.  I suffered, I changed, and what come’s next can be found in the emptiness.

When I go into repose, suffering no longer effects me, my past has passed, I let go and when a person let’s go – the emptiness shines through.  A new cycle begins.  A new direction.

I wrote about my two-seconds with emptiness and without going into too much detail all I can say is WOW.  Possibilities.  Infinite possibilities.

Sinshwan:  The only viable move is to not move.

That’s what I feel while in repose.  To not do anything until I gather enough faith to see it out.  To me personally, visualizing an outcome is in exact proportion to your faith.  Until I have a clear visual – sinshwan bitches.  Sinshwan till my little hearts content.

I’m now up to 121 members which means I’ll have an extra $1,000 added to my monthly budget.  I sent out one email promoting the membership deal and it sold 17 memberships.  My suffering can no longer affect me, I can take a deep breath – now I must incubate.

I am the picture of a working Wabi Sabi.

wabi sabi

I’m like grass.  I grow, I prosper, but just as I start to really reach, someone comes by swinging their big blade around and chops my head off.

In the meantime, the tall grass sits on their sunny perch looking down at me bowing their heads.  “Don’t reach too far Melanie.”  They all say.  At least not yet.  Not while your vision is still incubating.

I’ve been incubating all day and you know what?  There’s no place I’d rather be than here in my room.  Seriously, no place.

Which makes me wonder why exactly, am I going to Thailand for 5 weeks when I can see and learn all about it from here?  From the safety and comfort of home?

Oh yeah, emotional connections.  Learning through experience.  I can practice Wabi Sabi all I want when I get back, only this time aged and changed to fit my new scale of beauty.  A bit more ragged and refined.

Learning without having an emotional experience is like having two hands grow out of your heart trying to feel itself but never being able to.  Just like a blade of grass getting its head chopped off.  You’ll never see or understand anything.  You MUST experience it through emotions.

You must sit.  Then experience.  Than sit some more.  Each cycle is necessary.  Each cycle no matter how redundant it may feel like to you, is a necessary step.

Waitressing from the ages of 18 – 28, necessary.  Working at Massage Envy – necessary.  Working in my own little stink-hole office – necessary.  After each leap, there is a fall.  There is a period of rest.  Some leaps require more time to climb while some rests require more time to sit.

And with each new vision, the clarity of that vision is in exact proportion to how well you can clearly define yourself.  How well and how authentic your actions fit in with your truest intentions.  To know faith is to know yourself.  It’s no easy task.  Trust me, it taken 10 years of waitressing for me to realize what my truest intentions were;  To drink and be merry.  But as it is with all dreamers, I was never content.  I knew something was missing but I never sat still long enough to figure out what it was.  I was always being pulled either by friends, or an empty wallet.

In a few weeks my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays which leaves Saturdays and Sundays as the only two days I have to work each week.  All clients during the week will be by request only.  In two – three months, I’ll have at least 150 members and once I reach 150 members, I can play out my vision.  My vision in which my little business will tip itself into success.  It starts with hiring a sixth employee to work my weekends.  I’ll be free.  Free enough to see even more visions.

When you take yourself out of stress, out of work, out of responsibilities, only then you’ll start to think clear.

If you’re broke, have no money – you’ll not think clear.  If you pity yourself, feel inferior, are jealous of others – you’ll not think clear.

Thinking clear means finding your faith and it feels a lot like falling in love.  You fall in love with your potential.  You see yourself plainly.  And if you don’t like what you see, you have the sight to see it and change it.

I’ve always been in love with myself.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve always loved myself.  I love who I am.  I don’t know what it’s like to feel any other way, so I can’t teach anyone to love themselves when I don’t know what it’s like not to.

But I do have high’s and low’s.  When a low hits, it’s because I stopped trusting myself.  I stopped seeing my potential.  My dreams remain in an untouched fantasy world and my head gets chopped off by people’s judgements along with my own self pity.  Waitressing for 10 years left me with a perpetual headless corpse of a dreamer unfulfilled.

But no matter what happens to me, I’ll always find my faith again.  Always.  I mean, that’s what faith is for, right?  Always being there?

People give up because they think it’s too late for them, or too much work, not enough reward.  Let me just tell you, from all my years as a headless corpse – follow you damn heart and quit ur bitchen.

And until you have a clear visual, sinshwan mutha fucka sinshwan.

Sinshwan is where the biggest changes happen.  As long as you know how to do it properly.  The way to do it is said in this post.  The totality of this post is the way into understanding transitional periods of incubation.  A real turning of the chapter, you know?

It’s hard for me to say that 10 years of my life can fit into one chapter.  But where there is no change, there is no need for incubation.  Where there is no heart, there is no mend.  Where there is no faith, there is no awareness of yourself.  And where there’s no awareness of yourself, there’s no reflection, no understanding, no conscious development.  Drink and be merry.  Stay busy.

What’s in my head is so freaking hard to put into words.  But I swear as if my life depends on it – authenticity and awareness of character is the center of courage, where it all begins.

Know your heart.

And my heart just so happens to be taking me to Thailand with a beautiful person in less than a month.

The ground evaporates under me and mists into cascading flowers floating all around.

That’s what it feels like to follows one’s own heart.

 

 

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Another 3 AM Bolg Post

Garg I’m so tired! And all that bullshit I wrote about in my last post is completely irrelevant now. I have flipped, not tipped (into success), but flipped onto my backside like a turtle. I need a rope.

Rational brain: “Okay calm down. What’s wrong this time?”

Taxes are what’s wrong. Taxes are killing me!

Rational brain: “Haven’t you anticipated this?”

No! I mean, yes. But mostly no! It’s because of my employee’s. Now that they’re working so much, my taxes tripled since August. Tripled!

Taxes have the potential of ending my business. What appeared to be a perfectly good business plan, shot to pieces by Uncle Sam’s buckshot.

Rational brain: “Than it was never a perfectly good business plan, was it?

Shut up shut up SHUT UP.

Okay, calm down and think Mel….Think.

All the online deals I sold at the beginning of this business are expiring this month. So we are swamped and trampled on by last-minute redeemers. I can’t sell any more online deals to quell this unprecedented tax increase because we would be so backed up – Groupon debt is what I call it. Groupon debt is when I sell a bunch of deals, use up all the money I acquired from those deals before they get redeemed, and I’m left with 300 or so patrons with thirsty bodies needing…kneeding. And not a dime left to pay my employee’s with.

Rational brain: “Go to sleep. You can’t do anything about it now. Listen to The Secret and go to sleep.”

The Secret isn’t getting me through this panic. I’m flummoxed. And I can’t promote my membership program because if I did, those clients wouldn’t be able to book until weeks from now.

Transitioning into phase two (stepping back and letting my employee’s take over) happened too soon. But I literally couldn’t go another day massaging 6 clients a day, 6 days a week – I just couldn’t. My thumb started hurting so bad that I had trouble brushing my teeth. I had to hold my brush all cock-eyed like an ape.

Rational Brain: “Can’t you just wait a few weeks until all these deals get redeemed and/or expire? Then sell a few more once these deals are done and send out an email blast promoting the membership? How many more members do you need to start breaking even?”

73. I need at least 73 more members in order for me to break-even. If I can get 20 more sign-ups, that will take care of my new tax problem, but yeah….I need 73 more overall.

The reason I’m awake is, will I reach 175 members before my well runs dry?

Please oh please oh please God.

Rational brain: “There is no God, remember? There is only you.”

Don’t you dare get me started on that debate. How can you even say that?

Rational brain: “Ayahuasca told you to have faith in yourself. You can’t have faith in God if you don’t even have faith in yourself.”

Cripes….

Rational brain: “It’s part of our spiritual evolution….”

Got it.

Rational brain: “Once we discover our own potential and capabilities – we’ll have belief, not faith, but belief in ourselves and….”

Oh my god CAN it already I got it!

Rational brain: “….we’ll see that God is us.”

So there IS no God then.

Rational brain: “Okay, let’s not discuss this tonight. Save it for your Ecuador post.”

Shit my Ecuador post….It’s so far in the past now.

It is October 9th, 2014 and I am struggling. I need to sell 73 more memberships, or make at least $125 a day. Today I made $44 and it was only in tip money. This is why I’m awake. I have shotty plans but no “savior” idea’s. And lord know’s I need a savior right now. If it’s only me throwing myself a rope, I’m afraid I’ll use it to hang myself with.

Rational brain: “Stop being so god-dammed dramatic. Just last week you were beaming from ear to ear and shouting that you were on top of the world, don’t you remember?”

I have 7 as my life path number in numerology. 7’s have extreme high’s and low’s. We are also the loner number, the rebels.

Rational brain: “Puh-lease.”

You’re not being very rational tonight, Rational Brain.

Rational brain: “Please go to sleep. Go to sleep and not publish this post? Please?”

Ah I got it!

Rational brain: “Got what?”

I’m having a low. Yes that’s it. That’s all. It should not be mistaken for clarity, when in fact I’m just going through a low. It’s transient and meaningless.

Rational brain: “Um, okay….So you can go to sleep now because you figured everything out then.”

Yeah.

It’s now the next day.

I woke up so tired. Zombie tired. I massaged two older men who adore me, then ran my errands as quickly as possible so I can go home and nap. I Dropped off and picked up sheets, I finally threw a mammoth bag of garbage that’s been sitting in my bedroom into a dumpster. Went to CVS to buy super glue and then walked next door to the packie so I could prepare myself for tomorrow night with 6 cans of Bud Light. Shit….Tomorrow night….

And no matter where I went today while being in zombie mode – I swear I felt I massaged everyone I came across. The woman standing in front of me at CVS – I massaged her – the woman coming out of the package store – yes I massaged her too. I don’t even need to touch a person to know what it would feel like. Everyone looked familiar today. Just like when I’m stoned, I feel like I know everyone.

Today we made $180, but we’re averaging $105. I’m supposed to be making $125 a day. $20 X 30 days is $600 which means I’ll be short $600 this month if this keeps up.

Shit, why am I telling you all this? It’s not like you care or anything. I’m in it alone. There is no God.

Rational brain: “Would you please stop with that nonsense! And what are you still doing up? It’s 12:24 AM and you never even taken your nap. Sleep damn you!”

When I got home earlier today I started playing The Last of Us. It’s a zombie game. Highly addicting. I know this sounds crazy but….

Rational brain: “When do you not sound crazy?”

The game is helping me conquer my fear. Fear in general. Some parts are insanely creepy, the graphics are phenomenal – you’re playing a man who’s guarding a little girl and at any minute a clicker can run out and with one bite CHOMP you’re dead, or she’s dead. It makes my heart race not to mention my sloppy knee-jerk gameplay reactions. But I’m overcoming it in a way that can be applied to real life.

It’s a lot like that nightmare I had a while back. Let me try to find it because it’s a really good post…hold on…here it is.

Once you’re completely aware of your surroundings and mastered your emotions, you are in full control. It’s all just a matrix anyway, no different from a video game. I experienced the matrix in that night terror, in my video game, and after ingesting ayahuasca of course. But in real life it’s a bit tricky since we’re completely immersed in the ego/fear driven physical reality. We let our emotions tell us what we see. None of it is real.

And since we’re all stuck in the matrix of emotion and thoughts (including other people’s emotions and thoughts), we can’t make choices. We remain unconscious.  You can’t choose what you can’t see.

It’s now October 17. Wow…..for real?

These past few weeks been murder. I was forced into working everyday because of the backload of unredeemed vouchers that were expiring. I’m so tired. My money situation is still in the red zone.

I went to an open house for a yoga studio tonight. There was a woman there doing angel card readings. After my friends had their complimentary readings done, it came my turn. I drew the Earth Angel card. The psychic gave me a huge smile and said, “I love when this happens.”

Me – “Yeah? It’s good then?”

Psychic – “I knew you were one of them before you picked this card.”

Me – “Oh yeah?”

Psychic – “You’re an Earth Angel. You come from a far away place and were brought here to teach us. You had wings before you came here. Are you sensitive?”

Me – “Umm…..sort of.”

Psychic – “Just remember that you’re not alone. There are more of you out there. All with special talents.”

My friend grumbled saying she wanted to draw a new card.

The psychic wrote down a book for me to read all about Earth Angels and how to harness my call to help people. It all starts with me having to protect myself from abuse. Apparently I’m a magnet for abusive, manipulative relationships because I shrug off and allow bad behavior. I’m forgiving and have no boundaries with people. I have to learn boundaries and how to put restraints on how much I give to others. When left unrestrained, they feed off me and take advantage.

Ayahuasca told me I was a martyr……

Before my reading, I listened in on the readings she gave to my friends. She talked about ego and fear and completely nailed them both. I won’t go into it, but once again I found myself in awe of how some people can understand ego and fear so completely, while others are stuck in the “matrix”. This psychic girl had my full-on attention.

Tonight after the open house, we all went to the Fire Place for drinks and well, I don’t know….it’s almost like I don’t need to smoke pot anymore in order for me to see through people. They gossiped about their friends, vied for each others attention. All the while I humbly sat there and had the spot-light on me whether I wanted it or not. It automatically zooms in on me.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired and alone. One guy is trying to date me but he’s everything I hate about people. Arrogant, narcissistic, apathetic and according to tonights gossip, he tried making me jealous by bringing his friend (who’s a girl), to a bonfire I attended. I couldn’t care less.  My heart went out to him because I couldn’t care less.

I hate this side of me. The side that remains emotionally unaffected – detached. I just plain don’t give a shit. It’s this side of me that people see the most – the unemotional side. The side that shrugs, gulps down her beer and grins stupidly. I don’t give a shit – but I love you!

And it’s not a way of protecting myself from getting hurt either – it’s the sincere kind of not giving a shit. It’s not a block (I can feel blocks when they occur), but more like an understanding. I understand too much of what’s happening and because I understand, I stop caring.

Anyway, I hate writing about me.  I’m sure that I’m the apathetic narcissist who thinks she know’s everything – that’s why I loath those qualities in others.  That’s why I can recognize them.  I mean, it’s all right here in my description of myself.  It’s all true.  And I’m the worst of them all because I’m so far removed from everyone that I don’t even care enough to play their games or get emotionally entangled and because my cool exterior can hurt a person – I love them all the more for their humanity.

The more removed I am, the more I love people.  I can’t explain it any better than that.

I’m really transfixed tonight.  I need to stop writing.

I wasn’t going to publish this post, but it’s been so long since I shared anything.  It has to go up.  Saved into my memory bank blog.

I just looked up what it means to be an Earth Angel.  It said I’m a light being who is meant to stop people from being fearful.

Holy shit dude.

A few weeks ago I was explaining to a friend of mine my definition of karma and how I learned it’s true meaning after drinking ayahuasca.

Karma is made from fear.  If you’re fearful about something, the thing you’re most afraid of happening, will happen.  If you do bad things and bad things happen to you, the reason why you do bad things in the first place is out of fear.  Fearful actions cause bad karma.  We are all here to rid ourselves of fear by means of the ego.  The ego is fear itself, only disguised under a different interpretation.  Lose the ego, you lose the fear and immediately you’re sent into enlightenment.

But because we’re all connected, we can only evolve together – just like ayahuasca said.  Whoever claims to be enlightened is full of shit.  Ayahuasca said enlightenment is not sustainable in the physical world.

“Don’t believe in false prophets” is just one of the many undeciphered quotes from the bible that nobody understands its true meaning to.  ALL prophets are false.  We are all the sons of god – and believe it or not, according to the bible, Jesus was trying to drill that into our thick skulls.

OH man I’m really transfixed.  I NEED to sleep.  And now it’s 3 AM dammit.

My friend loved my interpretation of karma so much so that she had me explain it all over again to her friend tonight.  And me being the narcissist that I am, I’m driven completely by this need to share my “wisdom”.  I get off on it.

I’m brewing a new breed of egocentricity.  The sparkly guru who drinks beer and shrugs everything off.

Okay, enough self-love for one night.  Bitch gotta get her winks.

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A quick post while getting ready

The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to do what you love to do.  But my question is; how do you know the difference between addiction and passion?

Think about it.

I had an epiphany last night after coming home from massaging people’s backsides for 8 hours.  Everything that I am, all that I know, all that I do, is built upon the structure of pure addiction.  I am addiction incarnate.  My persona is held together by an inferior sugar-laced, heroin injected lattice framework meant to dissolve in tears when I don’t get my fix.

Addiction keeps you away from people.  It makes you selfish.  When you’re not in a high, you dissolve.  When you lose that thing that defines you, you fall apart.

When I was under ayahuasca, she said to me that addiction is a way to fill the void where your faith should be.  It keeps fear at bay.  And ALL fear, no matter how big or small, are subsidiary branches growing from our one mega fear of death.

Like the tree of life has its branches that lead down to mushrooms.  We are related to fungus, just like having addictions are related to the fear of death.

Our ego’s can only be controlled and fastened when something outside ourselves defines us.  And where there is nothing to define us, we fill the void ourselves whether it be through art, writing, drugs, alcohol, fooling ourselves into thinking we’re somebody we’re not by hanging around with people who like only our facade image.

We run from the loneliness, run from not feeling connected to others.  We fill the void by avoiding fear altogether.

Addictions holds us away from people.  The same people who make you feel unconnected to them.  Unconnected from the world, society; having unique problems that nobody gets or understands.  We are alone in our heads.  I’m the only person occupying the inside of my head.

Writing to me, is as much of an addiction as it is a passion.  Completely derived out of fear, not curiosity.  How true is this?  I want nothing more than to hole myself up in a strange exotic land, not talk to anyone, not know anyone, and write.  Just lose myself.  Detach from my head.  If I make something real, than I become real.  I become defined and palpable.

As real as my beating heart, only this time, knowing why it beats.  Or you can have the unhealthy kind of addiction.  The kind that makes you not care anymore.

Why me?  Why here?  Why now?  These are questions that lead us to addiction.  They are questions that can’t be answered until we pull the wool above our eyes and make the connections.  Until we stop finding answers at the bottom of a pint glass.

Today is my day off and I just wrote all that crap between blowdrying and straightening my hair.

I’m wearing a dress!  I bought this dress last year for a wedding that I never attended.  I’ve been in uniform most days between then and now.  My legs are hairy.  Damn….

So anyway, I’m a writer.  That’s what I love to do.  But another thing I’m just learning about myself is that I love making money.  Maybe as much as I love writing.  Money brings freedom, so maybe I’m addicted to freedom?  One major reason why I love being single.

But it’s troubling to me.  It’s troubling to learn this about myself.  To actually contemplate the question; would I choose money over writing?  If I could choose only one?  I’m leaning towards money.  Maybe because I don’t have any yet.  I don’t have any money yet, but a superfluous over-flow of words that need to be written are well at hand.

I better go.  I have sheets that need washing.

 

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Waiting for my key

I hired another person yesterday.  Can I pay this other person?  I don’t know.  But I desperately need her.

And that brings me up to 4 employee’s that I have to pay every other week.  A Latina, a Puerto Rican, a caucasian, and a half-black.  I’m technically a minority at my own business.  And because there were plenty of boring white people who applied, this is proof to myself that I’m definitely not a racist.  I haven’t hired an all black person yet, so there’s still a chance I might be.

I fork out over $2,000 a month to pay them.  It’s like I’m walking on glass right now.  Every step hurts.  But I can’t do it alone, I just can’t.

My Puerto Rican therapist just texted me that I have a beautiful soul.  White people don’t do that!  I told him he reminds me of myself because I’m a total schmoozer like him.

My Caucasian therapist is so up-tight that the only time I felt any sort of familiar bond with her was when we both laughed at one of my clients.

I had a client a few weeks ago.  A short plump woman who was all belly with skinny legs and arms, wearing a big tie-dye shirt.  She taken a huge shit in our bathroom just before her massage, and while I was massaging her, she kept nuzzling her head against me like she was a cat.  And then she taken another huge shit (leaving remnants) once her massage was over.

My Caucasian therapist who was working at the time, bursted out laughing.  And then I started laughing.  It was our one and only bond time and it was at the expense of someone else.

Gossiping / making fun of people has incredible bonding capabilities.

What if my minorities start ganging up on this minority (me)?

Nah….

I have so much to write about.  An astronomical amount.  But I don’t know where to start.

Today is Monday, my day off.  I went to work earlier to meet with a woman from the Record Journal.  She’s trying to get me to buy into an online ad marketing program.  Not like Google ad-words, but those other ads you see that follow you around everywhere.  The ones that pop up on random sites that are targeted specifically to you.

It’s just more money that I have to spend, although the salesgirl didn’t call it “spending”, but investing.

I don’t have the words to describe how destitute I am.  If this keeps up, I’ll be bankrupt and out of work within months.

I foreseen getting myself into what I call “Groupon debt”.  Groupon debt is when you sell a bunch of online deals, get one lump sum of cash, spend that cash before redeeming all those online deals, and then you’re left with no money to pay your employee’s – no money, but still a shit load of clients who need massages.

Groupon debt…..

I’m not exactly there yet, but I can foresee it happening.  Even before opening my business, this was one possibility that I had no control over – one possibility that I had no plan for.  My plan for success revolved around having those clients re-book, but here we are going into our third month and still most (about 95%) of our clients are new.

In the meantime, my arms want to fall off.  They want to detach and clatter to the floor like hard brittle rocks.

When I’m playing receptionist, I answer phones sounding so mellow.  Mellow, efficient, zero stress or emotion in my voice.  It’s like I’m doing exactly what needs to be done despite everything – I’m giving myself no choice and because I’m giving myself no choice, I become emotionless.  I’m like a stereotypical massage therapist who’s akin to being a backdrop – a tool, a prop – a secondary character of no consequence.  Someone who does her job so perfectly adequate that she’s disregarded, an after-thought.  Thumbs up and great reviews though.

Where is my heart?

I’m questioning myself.  Just like my tarot reader said I would.  I went to see her weeks ago (I already wrote about it), and she told me there’s a key.  A key I’m waiting for that will open the doors of success.

“It could be a contract, it could be knowledge about a particular software, it could be a skill set, it’s not a big-picture sort of thing, it’s a very specific thing.  Credit with a proper bank….  One key factor that has to be there in order for you to start to… open the doors.”

Those were her exact words.  I recorded the session and I already listened to it more times than I’d like to admit.

I had no idea what she was referring to.  Not only did this “key” not apply to me, but it was the first time I questioned the validity of this specific tarot reader.  “Are they all scammers?”  I wondered.

But then it came.  The key she was talking about.  And yes it is very specific, and yes I’m waiting on it like it’s a matter of life and death.

I have a marketing idea that is so absolutely, irrefutably awesome, that I have no doubt it will work.  At least it should work.  Just enough to keep me out of Groupon debt at least.  If it works better than my realism advises, I’ll be out of this dreadful stress zone and possibly start living inside a fairy tale.

If my idea works, everything, my whole life and everything leading up to this moment, will indeed feel like a fairy tale.  It won’t be a fairy tale ending exactly, but a beautiful beginning.

I’m not going to give you the full details of my plan.  I’m fearful right now, and fearful people are extremely superstitious, so it’ll remain a secret.  All I can tell you is that I’m waiting on my stupid mass emailer provider to kick on.

(My tarot reader said it can be knowledge of a particular software!)

SpaBooker uses MailChimp as their main email provider.  I sign up with MailChimp through SpaBooker (because they are partners), and they allow me to send out mass emails to all my clients.  I have not heard back from them.  Waiting to hear back is like listening to teeth grinding.  The fate of my business (the fate of my fairy tale ending), rests upon the shoulders of MailChimp.

This is the part of my life where I’ll look back on and cringe.

“Oh you poor girl.  You made it through though!  You wouldn’t be this successful if it weren’t for these strength and faith building years.  You are a true hero.  Oh shit, I’m my own biggest hero.  I sound like a damn ego-centric narcissist.  Stop that right now you!”

That’s my future self talking.  Am I accurate future self?

I hath no patience.

And that’s where I am right now.  In this semi-surreal summer of waiting and hoping.

I have quite possibly an awesome post about faith vs hope, but I can’t write about it now.  I have too many buckets.  When I’m carrying too many buckets, I have to put certain writings aside.  They expel too much energy and require full brain capacity.  When I’m operating on full brain capacity, that means I’m utilizing only one bucket.

While I wait for my key to arrive, I’ll have to settle on half a brain, if that.

Maybe that’s why 90% of the population are ignoramuses.  We’re all just waiting.

My new employee works tomorrow from 10-3, which gives me my first real break since I started this business.

For rest periods I now have all day Monday, and Tuesday and Sunday afternoons.  Friday nights can also be blocked off because I have two therapists working.  I unblock myself when their schedules fill up.  Starting tomorrow, it will be the first week of having a little extra rest time.

I’m paying a high price not to be there, but you have to believe me when I say I can’t keep up working all those hours.  8 hands-on hours 6 days a week – it’s impossible.

And I’m so tired……so unbelievably tired and stressed and worried.  I can’t wait until that moment when I can put it all down – all those buckets.  Like I’m returning home, to a safe place. Coming around full circle only to bring back treasure in the end.

Be strong Mel.  You’ve got this!

A client came in the other day with certificates of sponsorship.  He’s sponsoring a child from the Philippines.  I’m offering free massages to anyone who sponsors a child – and I do it happily!  That’s the crazy part.  I don’t enjoy manual labor, but I enjoy it when clients do this.  So if anything, if I completely fail at owning a business, at least I got to save a few kids before going down with the ship.

 

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There is no snake

A snake slithered into my dream the other night. He was violent, vicious. Without hesitation, I tried grabbing him by its head.  “It’s the only way,” I thought to myself, “for it to stop biting.”

But the more I grabbed for him, the harder he bit me. I physically felt the sting of his fangs.

I knew that if I didn’t capture him right then and there, I’d have to live in fear.  Anticipating his next move.  Not only that, but I was already bitten.  If he was poisonous, then I had nothing to lose – the poison was already in me. To stop now meant that all those previous bites served no purpose. To run now, expelling the poison, healing myself, only to get bit later on, will cause the process to happen again and again.  Attack.  Pain.  Heal.  Attack.  Pain.  Heal.

Walking away was not the strong choice, but the cowardice choice.  Choosing fear means to live with it.

And so I decided to capture him.  No matter how much it hurt, I chose courage over fear.

And I did end up catching him in the end.  I grabbed him by his head and watched his jaw unhinge baring watery fangs that shot poison at me like water guns.

I’m not sure if poison actually shoots out of fangs, but in my dream it did.

He flailed in my grasp.  The poison in me was gone.  The snake could no longer harm me.

I woke up and looked my hand over to make sure it had no bites on it.  No bites, but it felt sore.  I had a lingering ghost pain that was all in my head.

Damn my dreams….. Ever so vivid.  Blood, puncture wounds, real pain.  My brain is so damn powerful.

What does it mean?

Sometimes you can’t choose your battles.  Nobody chooses what snakes bite them.

“So basically your dream is telling you to seize your fears by their head, correct?”

Yup.

“And by walking away is in fact, the weaker choice?”

Uh huh that’s right.

“Can’t you see that both choices are not actually choices at all?”

Please don’t over-think and complicate things. You know how seriously I take my dreams.

“Hear me out for a second, I think I’m on to something.”

What-ev buddy, it’s late and I need sleep.

“In both cases you’re letting fear govern your actions.  They’re not self-aware or realized choices – they are not awake choices.”

You’re not sounding like my normal snarky rational brain.  What’s with you tonight?

“It feels to me like it doesn’t matter.  Whether you walk away or you don’t, it doesn’t matter.  There will always be another snake, you know?  If you really want to grab fear by its head, you’ll have to grab fear itself, and not the thing you’re afraid of.  There is no snake.  There is no fear.”

I hate to do this to you, but I need sleep.  You’re not acting like your normal self.  We’ll talk more about it tomorrow.

“Right.”

Seriously though, you’re sounding crazy.

“Okay okay goodnight.”

****************************

It’s a couple days later and I’m laying in bed completely exhausted.  I want to hide away from the world.  Am I depressed or legitimately tired?  Tired.  Definitely tired.  And okay, maybe a little depressed.

I saw my tarot reader today, the Wise Woman.  She was at the Guilford Renaissance fair.  She told me that money will soon come and I’m better off than I think.

It’s just that…… I’M SO FREAKING TIRED!

I’m working a lot now so I won’t have to work anymore later, but I’m missing everything in the meantime.  I’m missing the here and now – my LIFE.  Those buckets I wrote about a few days ago – that’s all true.  Totally true.  Even when I’m here, or out in the world socializing, I’m not here exactly – you know?  It’s like I need more time.  Just a little more time for myself.

The tarot reader today told me that I needed a place to go to be alone.  But being alone won’t pay for my $4,000 in monthly bills.  Being alone won’t empty my buckets.  It’s not just about having time alone, it’s about finding contentment.

This is how everybody lives; First money, then love.  First fix your life to avoid worry, then find your passion, find your voice.  It can’t be found at the bottom of a worry bucket.

The Wise Woman also told me that I’m battling what’s important in life.  Love or money – the two cards intersected each other portraying a conflict of interest.

It’s only been three months since I decided to expand my business.  I’ve been open now for a little over a month.  But in those three months, I’ve done nothing but work, worry, and spend money.  I HATE spending money.  And where’s my blog in all this?  I need to write.  I don’t want to, I need to.  At least just a little. But I can’t (this post has taken me weeks to write).

There is only DO, not try, do.  And I’m choosing money over love.  Snakes everywhere.

Okay, I gotta go. Thanks for the chat.

“But what about our discussion about the snakes?  When I said there is no fear, there are no snakes?”

Oh yeah, about that…..

“Well?”

It’s a faith thing.  We fear because we worry and we worry because we lack faith.  Courageous people tackle their fears in order to rid them and in return, they gain confidence and faith in themselves.  It’s just that everybody either runs, or they forget everything.  They forget how amazing they are.  Plus, being that we’re all interconnected and can only evolve together, we’re stuck battling everyone else’s fears.  We’re entangled in everyone else’s shit until we wake the EFF up and make the connections.  Seeing the connections, how our fear meshes with other people’s, that’s when we wake up.

All of us have snakes because we all lack faith.  This is why we’re here, to learn faith.  It can’t be learned while running and forgetting.

“So you still believe then, that walking away is the cowards choice?”

Yes.  Absolutely.  Walking away, living in denial, any type of escape, to me, is cowardly.

“What about the power of letting go?  Ayahuasca made a huge stink about it, don’t you remember?  Or are you too stubborn and living in your own denial?”

Denial is not the same as letting go.  Finding ways to distract yourself is not the same as letting go.  Letting go can only happen with compassion, and most of the world is bereft of it.  If we felt compassionate towards the snake, if we understood him, we’ll have nothing to fear from him.  If he attacks, we’ll be able to understand his pain – his fear.  It’s the snakes fear, not our own, that causes us to run, to judge, to hate.

“So in a sense, we become the snake?”

Exactly!

“Alright, I have no more arguments. Only, how do you stop the pain from the attack?  Even if you are compassionate and understanding, how do you stop from bleeding?”

Once you’re compassionate enough, the sting won’t hurt.  The snake loses his power to harm you.  That is of course, speaking metaphorically about the snake.  As long as you’re living in fear, the sharper the snakes fangs are to bite you with.  The only snakes that attack are the ones attracted to your fear (karma).  You can’t let go of your fear without confronting it.  And while you’re confronting it, it WILL bite the hell out of you.

“When does it stop biting and hurting you?”

When you find its truth.  When you make the connections, see the entanglement.  And in most cases, it lies in our weaknesses.  The strong understand and confront truth while the weak lash their fangs and defend.

“Which one are you Melanie?  You’re running from a future of work, you fear failure, being a loser, an embarrassment.  Do you think somehow that fear can transform you into greed?  Into becoming a snake yourself?”

I can’t say.  Telling myself that it won’t, may just be denial.  Adhering to any belief, narrows my perception in a way where I can’t see my own truth and if I can’t see my own truth, I’ll be bereft of self-compassion, bereft of compassion for others.

“A simple yes or no would’ve sufficed.”

I wanted to end this post long ago, nothing is ever simple for me.

*******************************

It’s now about a week later.  I woke up today and checked my email to find yet another person asking me for a job.  I get a few a these emails a week, only this time it’s different.  This time, he’s a young guy.

Not only is he a young male, but also cute (I found him on Facebook).  Ironically his name just happens to be Adonis.

A young, attractive male therapist is a very hot commodity for any massage clinic.  I called him and left him a message on his voicemail.  I hope to hear back.

I have a long hefty list of To Do’s today and it’s already rolling into 4:30 and I still haven’t left the house.  My one day off, the only day I can get things done – the only day I have to rest and recoup is spent editing a blog post that pretty much nobody will understand while carrying these damn buckets of To Do lists and hoping Adonis will call and rescue me.

The notebook I use to write down blog idea’s is overflowing.  Nothing’s getting done, nothing’s getting written, nothing is escaping my brain to turn into pink permanent butterflies flittering on the inter-web never to be forgotten by me again.

I’m forgetting things, forgetting myself.  Well, I’m forgetting everything except for that looming $4,000 I have to pay every month.  Is hiring another employee really a good decision Mel?  You’re not a damn accountant.

 

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Another Adventure Into My Head

Ugh, I had another panic attack.

The build (the trace beginnings of the attack) happened when I was depositing money at the ATM – the second day in a row, over $200.

“This is fantastic!  This whole business venture just might work.”

I went home and stared at my accounting chart.  Last week I was negative $359, and this week I’m positive $143.  All my clients today, both new and existing, sounded interested in the membership program, and a new client rebooked for a couples massage next month.  My employee’s are happy and hard working, my goal of reaching 60 members is daunting, but not unfathomable.

My employee has her first full paying client tomorrow – a returning client who specifically requested her.  That puts $58 dollars in my pocket, but only $17 in hers.  My morals are ping-ponging back and forth with wondering how fair this is.

“That’s highway robbery!” Versus, “I paid her $520 these past two weeks for having no clients.  Putting $58 in my pocket doesn’t come close to closing that gap.”

“What if she gets four full priced clients a week?  She’s going to start closing that gap and you’re going to profit off her.”

Versus,

“But isn’t that the whole point of having employee’s?  This is what we agreed on.  She agreed to this.”

Basically what my panic was all about, was my fear of success.  Not just my fear of success, but vilifying my means of obtaining it.  Is it right?  Is it moral?  If it’s so easy, something must be wrong with it.

I can literally feel a physical blockage.  One that doesn’t believe, one that doubts its realism.  With 60 memberships, I can stop taking new clients and only massage members.  60 memberships and my business will be stable enough to run on its own.  60 memberships and I can open a new location….etc.

Not to mention all those full paying clients – the one’s that I don’t personally have to massage.

Snowball effect.  The hardest roll is the first one.  The first 60 members…The first return clients….

If I had 60 members, I would be positive $843 this week in pure unadulterated spending money.  But it’s not that easy, is it?  Nothing can be that easy, right?  If it’s so easy, why isn’t’ everyone doing it?

Another reason for my panic is due to imbibing tea, coffee, and my nicotine e cig.  It’s 2 AM and I can’t sleep.  My panic attack peaked around midnight, I drank a ton of water (I learned from experience that dehydration plays a huge role), and now I can’t stop going to the bathroom.

During my panic, I speculated that it might have something to do with having a PH imbalance.  If our bodies are more acidic than alkaline, would that activate an emotional or mental imbalance as well?

I immediately bought PH strips on Amazon so I can test my urine and bought a book about alkaline diets.

What are you doing Mel, you’re crazy….

Shhhh, shhhhh…..I’m fine.

Then I decided I wanted to be a naturopathic physician and so I Googled how I can become one.

Eight years….med degree…..internships…. expensive schooling….not enough time in life, there’s never enough time.

I went back to thinking about my business.  Wanting to put together an iMovie skit with me and my two employee’s acting to the theme of Charlie’s Angels.  Whipping out our massage bottles like guns, talking on the phone to “Charlie”, all three of us posing at the end in that iconic, memorable stance.

“It’ll be perfect for YouTube, my website, Pinterest, Yelp, FaceBook!  It’ll get us more likes and more notice!”

So many idea’s….stop idea’s….just…. stop…..

“I can do massage bombs!  Ask clients to like me on Facebook and once a month I’ll send a Massage Bomb to one lucky liker for half-off their next massage!”

Brilliant.  Brilliant.

I ran to the bathroom for the 15th time while trying not to disturb my brother and his girlfriend asleep on the fold out couch.  I envisioned what that conversation would be like.

My brother – “What’s wrong with you?  Why are you going to the bathroom so much?”

Me – “I had a panic attack so I drank a lot of water.”

Zugzwang.  The only viable move is no move.

Nothing seems viable.  Nothing seems real – all is too fantastic – too grandiose.  Too perfect.  Shall I not make a move?  Or should I go on ahead?  Continue down this unknown path?

There is indeed a fear of success.  It demonizes you, demoralizes you, shreds your conscience into oblivion.  The only thing that makes sense, the only way to earn it, to deserve it, is to work hard – extremely hard!  That’s the only way I can eliminate the fear.  That black void, the plague, the plaque that corrodes my selfless fibers.

Work hard until I resurface once again at the beginning.  It’ll just be one big cycle, a loop of never-ending hard work and struggle all because I don’t believe it can be that easy.  If it’s so easy, why isn’t everybody doing it?

 

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The Beauty Of One Bucket

My mind is truly gone.

It came back for a few hours but nope, now it is truly gone.

I had a dream years back.  I dreamt of a golden scale.  Buckets of water sat on both ends.  Then I saw one bucket being poured into the other and the scale dropped to one side with a clank.

From the vision alone, I wouldn’t have known what it meant.  But at that moment I was seeing it, I was also intuiting its meaning.

It symbolizes the amount of energy we are given each day.  Everyday we wake up and are gifted with a respectable amount of energy that can be poured into whatever buckets we are focused on.

“But can’t we make more energy as we go along?”

“No.  It’s a set amount.  You can’t make more than what you are given.”

I argued with my dream.  I was stubborn as I typically am when I don’t agree with something.

It doesn’t have to do so much with physical energy as it does with mental energy.  Our mental energy (our focus) is limited and set.  We can’t have more of it just as we can’t have more of time.  As time is measurable, so is the energy we are given to focus with.  Time and energy are interchangeable melodies set to the rhythm of wherever our focus lies upon.

According to the dream, we can only fill two buckets at a time.  However, as long as our energy is divided, we can never master or learn anything new.  We must have only one bucket filled at a time.  Just one, otherwise the scale will remain motionless and unchanged.

“You and your silly dreams.  Dreams are not REAL.”

Oh hey rational brain.  What’s up?

“Explain to me then, what about people having two or more children?  You can’t deny having to split your attention with kids.  I swear Melanie, I don’t even know why I bother with you.  You’re off in you own world living in a freakin…..”

Okay okay, let me cut you off right there.  I understand and yes you’re right.  Focus is definitely divided given the more kids you have and the more responsibilities you get.  I get it.

“So are you saying life is stagnant for these folks?  They can’t get good at anything?  Can’t focus on anything?”

Well for the majority of them, yeah.  But there’s always a choice.  People just don’t have the clarity to see it.  Ayahuasca told me that no matter how dire the circumstance, there is always a choice.

“This better be good or I’m going to disown you as your conscience.”

Okay…..how should I explain…..I’m figuring out the best language to describe the indescribable.

“Blah blah quit stalling.  Out with it.  What’s your solution wise ass?”

One bucket.  Only one bucket must be filled!

“Yes one bucket.  We already got that much.  Are you purposely trying to piss me off?”

No I mean, if we’re only allowed one bucket, why not make it your own bucket?

“I wish I had the hands to slap you with.”

The energy your given each day gets divided into buckets that you’re focusing your attention on, right?

“If you say so.  I still think you’re nuts.”

It’s your attention that’s being divided.  Your attention, but not intention.  There’s AT-tention and then there’s IN-tention.  Focusing AT something takes away, while focusing IN gives to you.

“What the hell are you blathering about?”

It’s not about focusing your attention on something, it’s about having full awareness of what your intentions are.  You can have a gazillion kids and can still get away with having only one bucket.

“You’re still being evasive and alluding the question.  How?  Explain to me how.”

Let’s say little Johnny scraped his knee and needs to get it patched up, while another kid screams at you wanting milk.  Your attention is being pulled from you, not given.  AT, not IN.

“I want to punch your face.  Just be clear for once!”

The answer is to switch your energy inward onto yourself.  This is done through intentions.  And with intention, comes self-compassion, respect for yourself, and respect for your kids as people, not hindrances.

“Not good enough.  Try again.”

Instead of focusing on bandaging your child’s knee, and pouring a glass of milk, the secret lies in why you’re doing it.  Not doing something just to get it over and done with, but why?  What’s your intention?

“Sum it up in one easily digestible sentiment please.”

It’s not about focusing on your kids needs, dividing your attention, getting it pulled from you, it’s about putting it all in one bucket.  The “I intend to be a good Mother” bucket.  It only takes one bucket and pulling from there, you’ll never run out.  It’s either you do or you don’t.  You either have or you don’t have. Finding your truest intentions is the answer to everything!

“For the love of god….”

Hey I saw that eye roll.

“Okay smart ass, what about juggling a full time career and kids?”

That’s unfortunately where the trouble lies.  You can’t split your intention bucket without compartmentalizing.  You’ll have to choose one at a time.  At one point, the two worlds will collide and you’ll have to make a choice.  Growth and expansion can only be found when you decide.  It’s just the same if you are a divorced parent that starts dating someone new and your child feels as if you are choosing your new beau over them – worlds collide.  It’s not about AT-tention, it’s about IN-tention.  Children have a knack for knowing these things.

“Do you feel better after writing gibberish?”

I sure do!

Anyway, I’m writing this post because my energy is splayed out in way too many buckets.  It’s energy spent on worrying.  Nobody intends to worry, so worry is AT-tention, not IN-tention.  And there’s several of them.

Working at Massage Envy or my one-man stink hole office, I had little to worry about.

All that has changed.

It’s like coming home from a hard day and being too tired to exercise.  It’s the same for writing.  I’m spent after a hard day of worrying.

I started a new RPG, Demon’s Souls.  It was only $11 for the digital download on Amazon and it came highly recommended.  The game is punishingly hard.  It’s a vessel for me to pour all my worry buckets into with pure intentions on beating it.

Can you see why video games are so important?  They’re a cheap non-toxic way to self-medicate.

My life always seemed meaningless without writing about it, but now I’m too exhausted to even care.  That’s how bad things are right now.

According to my calculations, I’m bleeding out about $300 a week.  I’m supposed to be making $700 a week, but I’m stuck at $400.  It feels like I’m bleeding money.  Not pissing because that would require me having it to spend, but bleeding.  Pissing is wallet money while bleeding is personal line of credit money.

My Groupons went on sale yesterday and I already sold 127 of them.  I set the cap at 300.  Living Social also contacted me to set up deals with them, but I’m holding off for a bit.

I’m only counting the online deal income as they get redeemed.  I make zero dollars when my employee’s massage them, so I can only count the money if I massage them myself.  But if my employee’s massage them, that’s a wash for that hour and I won’t be negative the $10 I pay them while having no clients.  My employee’s HAVE to massage the online deal clients.  I’m only bleeding $300 a week because of paying my workers for hours when they don’t have clients.

I know it’s confusing, but this is my perspective.  If my employee’s weren’t there, I’d be able to afford the business on my own but that completely defeats the purpose of starting it in the first place.  I’d be sitting there right now answering phones if not for her.  She has one 90-minute massage today, so I’m losing about $35 for paying her for 3.5 hours that are without clients.  Not to mention the $100 I need to make which technically means I’ll be negative $135.  But I have two clients later, so that will eat into some of that negative money.  Not all of it though….not enough of it.

My plan was to not work anymore, but I can’t afford to pay employee’s to sit there without clients, so I have to work.

One girl I hired only works Mondays and is laying in wait for when I can afford her more hours.  I can only afford her when she’s completely (or almost completely) booked up.  Another girl works mornings.  She’s there now answering phones.  It’s ringing like a bitch from the Groupons.

Anyway, it’s stuff you don’t want to read about.  I don’t have the capacity to make it sound interesting.  This is what’s occupying my mind.  Well, there’s that and I have a really good friend of mine that’s refusing to speak to me.

I can’t wrap my head around it.  I asked if we can resolve everything over the phone, or over a cup of coffee, and because I asked that, now she won’t speak to me at all.

We have a rocky friendship.  I try to fix things, to include her in things, talk to her, but she avoids me like the plague.  The only time she actually did call me (in two years) was because another friend told her to.

I have friends that I haven’t spoken to in months, years even, but I know I can pick up the phone anytime and they’ll be there.  There’s no grey area.  I never had a friend in the grey.  It’s either all or nothing.  Just like with those damn buckets.  If you intend to be someone’s friend, you be their friend.  You either have it or you don’t.  It’s not about me not getting attention, it’s about understanding what her IN-tentions are.  Because as of now, I’m drawing a blank.

With Krissy and Amy, they were full on friends.  They either had it or they didn’t.  And they kept on having it up until the very end.  Both of them couldn’t get enough of me.  What I gave them wasn’t enough, so they high-tailed it out of there.  But with this friend, I’m giving my true blue honest all.

There’s underlining anger and resentment that she refuses to talk to me about.  And the more I press, the more she cuts me out.  The more I’m treated like a monstrous plague, the more I press, the more I’m repelled, the more I inquire, the more I’m avoided, the more times I text and press and wonder what the hell is going on, the more aggravated she gets.

God I love you blog.  You have the power of putting everything into perspective I swear.  Life is so ridiculous that I can see the humor in almost anything.  No no strike that, I can see humor in every damn near thing.

For any type of nonsensical drama – the kind that makes you feel real shitty, is the same type of drama that can make you laugh your ass off as long as you change perspective about it.  Haha, it’s funny.  Right?

Man I love myself too damn much….Yes I’m completely at a loss devastated.  Yes it hurts incredibly!  But shit yo, I love myself because I can feel so much.  And because I can hurt so deeply, makes me laugh at my sorry state all the more.

This is my story – my life story online.  The person I am, creates my experiences.  And according to some recent musings, we only experience something if we have an emotional reaction to it.  Emotions are key to life and to learning.  If you shut down one emotion, the rest will be affected in the fragile ecosystem of your humanity.  Your humanly flawed spirit.

My story doesn’t matter.  My experiences don’t matter.  The only thing that matters is who I am and who I’m becoming.

I still want to be Gatsby.  To have the big house, throw extravagant parties.  Invite every lonely sap over for every holiday when nobody else will have them.  When they feel dark and in the void, they’ll always have a place in my home.  Of course I’ll have to section off a part of the house so I’ll never have to see them, but still…..they won’t be alone.

I won’t always see them.  They’ll have to fend for themselves if they come over everyday.  They can all hang out with each other while I’m off doing whatever it is that I do.  Video games, blogging, or sleeping most likely.

I’m equal parts social and anti-social.  Leaning more towards the anti now what with all my new buckets I’m carrying.

Leave me the eff alone people…..

I should end this post.  I have to leave soon to massage those two people.  I still need to shower.

My initial intention was to write a quick blurb about why I haven’t been writing and the flood gates well, sorta opened.  I hardly even touched on a whole lot.

2,274 words later.  Hours to write, minutes to read.

 

 

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Melanie’s search for meaning continues

Electrons circle around the nucleus of an atom.  Heat causes stray particles to run rampant, colliding with those orbiting electrons encircling the nucleus.  The electrons become energized and raised to a higher orbital frequency furthering themselves away from their original orbital home.  In order for those electrons to stabilize and fall back into their regular orbit, they must discharge any unneeded energy they obtained during their collision with the stray heated particles.  And as they discharge this unwarranted energy, they create light.

Light is comprised of all the colors of the rainbow.  Depending on how much energy the electron needs to discharge for it to fall back into its orbit, correlates to the frequency (color) of the photon they create.

As of now, nothing that we know of exists that can travel faster than discharged energy escaping a hyped up electron, otherwise known as light.  Nothing.  Not even time itself.

Think about it.

I mean really.

Think.

The life of a photon, there is no life.  Not even an existence really.  Well, none that they’re aware of anyway.  Because for them, time stands still.

It completely blows my mind when I think about it.  I can’t grasp my thoughts for more than two seconds.  I’m not high if that’s what you’re thinking.

Okay, here’s why my mind is blown.  I’ll illustrate.

A star that is billions, trillions of light years away – that light emitted from the star has been traveling for billions, trillions of years just to reach us.  It traveled for nearly an infinite distance, overcoming all obstacles, not being blocked or absorbed by oncoming traffic, no.  For billions of years it flew fast and free while in the eyes of the photon, it has no awareness of the time it took for them to get here.  Because time stands still for them, their birth and death are instantaneous.  To them, they are born and absorbed into our retina’s at the same time.  Their only meaning, their one and only purpose for existence was for us to see the star.

When we look up them, the stars, the light that hits our eyes is almost as old as the universe itself.  Not only that, but the light that hits our eyes are alien.  It’s not of this world, but of another.  We are absorbing trillions of ancient alien photons (that were made from an ancient alien electron in an ancient alien atom) through our eyeballs every time we look at a star.  Particles that were made trillions upon trillions of miles across our galaxy, bypassed astroids, planets, cosmic dust, survived for millennia unperturbed all for its life to end instantaneous in our dilated pupils.

All starting with one electron, in one atom.  An atom who’s existence wouldn’t be known if its electrons hadn’t discharged extra energy for them to fall back into their regular orbit around a nucleus.

Discharge.  I hate that word, but that’s besides the point.

I’m discharging right now.  All over my blog.  I have to in order for me, myself, to fall back into my regular orbit.

To me, this is what we all do.  We discharge in order for us to go back into being “regular”.  Or at least, feeling like ourselves anyway.

Beauty isn’t found in the irregularities.  It’s found in our uniques ways to getting back to regular.

But light man, what a trip.  If time stands still for light, does it really exist?  Or does it only exist when we’re there to witness it?

It’s like that old koan about a tree falling in the woods and nobody is around to hear it.  If you sucked out all the air in those woods, than no, nothing can hear it fall.  Sound can only travel in a medium (such as air).  Sound can’t exist in a vacuum.  But light travels without air, which leads scientists to believe there’s a medium we’re not aware of.

Nobody has actually seen a light particle.  They exist in theory.  Nobody has seen a light wave.  Nobody know’s what light is exactly.  And how do our brains decipher these theoretical discharged photons?  How does it do that?  Why do our eyes decipher these photons as light?  And how the hell do our brains see the frequency (color) of those photons?!

And where does light get it’s energy to travel with anyway?

Think about it.

In order for something to move forward, it has to be propelled by something.  A trajectory.  But light being the fastest thing imaginable, has no mass (none that we know of), no time, no matter, cannot be bottled up or contained – what’s moving it?  If it’s true that light only exists when we see it, what if we’re the medium?  What if we’re the one’s who move it?  Not just us, but any consciousness.

In all the experiments that were created to measure light, all of them conclude that light exists in non-locality (in buddhism, this is experienced as emptiness).  They also claim that an observer – someone who witnesses the experiment – localizes the wave into single particles.  The energy of our consciousness effects the test results – how’s that for a medium?

If light is formed from an electrons discharge, than what is formed from the energy being discharged through our synapses?  Doesn’t that energy escape too?  And if so, is it possible that that conscious energy, also timeless, without weight, exists in non-local space-time, can travel just as fast, if not faster than light?  Therefore bypassing the time boundary and entering not just into the past, but a perpetual continuum of timeless non-local probabilities, only coming into existence when someone recognizes it.

If this is true, then every thought we ever had and will ever have has been predestined.  We are only receivers of them.  Which means that because our actions stem from thought, whether it be conscious or unconscious, everything we do and will ever do, has already been done.  As in, predestined for it to happen.

Ayahuasca told me that God is timeless and exists in all of us.  What if God is conscious thought that’s orchestrating life in order to facilitate our spiritual evolution?

All thought is from God, and God is us.  We are it.

Ayahuasca also told me that we have free will.  We can choose our paths.

When I experienced emptiness (an experience almost all buddhists have felt) for those fleeting 2 seconds, I saw pure potential.  I experienced my free will.  But at the same time, its an illusion because all that exists and all that will ever happen, is happening right now.  Our past, present, and future is happening simultaneously because our collective consciousness transverses space and time.  It’s all happening right now, but we’re unable to see, understand, or experience it because we lack the spiritual dimension.

It’s like we’re a prism.  We catch light rays and our consciousness refracts it into our own individual personalities (colors) in order for us to see the contrasts, experience them, and define ourselves.  Through definition, we grow.  But we all come from the same light.  A light that is spread in a wave of non-local possibilities until our conscious mind brings it into fruition.

I started this post last night at 1AM.  I didn’t even attempt sleep until I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open.  And today I woke up early, trained a new employee to sit and answer phones and then I came here, to the Nissan dealership in Hartford for an oil change.

I’m sipping hot chocolate.  I’m exhausted.

To wrap up a rather confusing boring ass post, there IS no meaning.  None of what we do matters, only that we grow spiritually.  And according to my musings a few days ago, we learn through experience and we can only experience something through emotion.

So if emotions are the key to spiritual growth and awareness, by default, they are never meaningless.  No emotion is ever meaningless.

I believe that empaths can experience meaning behind all emotion, even when it’s not their own.  I had a very troublesome time training my new hire because of this.  I’ll save that for another post.

I got my brain back, but do I really want it back?  Shit keeps me up at night.  Plus explaining all of this to my family over Easter dinner makes me feel like a damn outcast.

And there’s still so much to write about….

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