Category Archives: random thoughts

Conscious Speech

The first step into speaking mindfully is to not get emotionally attached to your, well, emotions.

Can’t be done?  Think of it like this; you can spread your emotional marmalade all over a crispy cracker, but you don’t have to actually eat the cracker.

I’m listening to my meditation audiobook and it’s telling me not to get emotionally involved with what my brain is doing.  Eating crackers was the best analogy I came up with.

See it but don’t indulge – don’t satisfy your craving for emotionally charged hormones because that’s all they really are, a way to get your fix.

And boom, you’re in control.  You’re out of the loop.  As long as you let yourself experience the emotional marmalade without seeking answers to fix them, you’ve dislodged yourself from being controlled by them.

The second thing you must do is to realize that nothing is ever about you.  Don’t think of yourself while conversing or confronting, aka, eating the cracker (see first step).  The minute you start indulging in yourself and your “entitled” needs is the precise time you lose conscious, meaningful speech (and thought).

It’s not about you, it’s about the whole.

Always think about the other person or people.  And in doing so, you end up creating exactly who you want to be.  And you become a conscious person not being controlled by emotional needs.  You can see past yourself.

When people tell you to “just be yourself,” conscious thought brings you to this.  To just be yourself means to see past yourself and realize there is no “you”, only the you you want to be.

This involves knowing who you’re not.  It’s not about knowing who you are, but knowing what kind of person you’re not.

There’s actually a name for this.  A few religions include the art of subtraction in their teachings.  Christians call it Via Negative, the negative path.  In Hindu they call it Neti-neti which means “not this, not that.”

I know all this because I lived it.  I taken myself out of the equation and focused all of my attention/empathy on the person I was speaking with.  And the art of subtraction, I learned that on my own in high school when I came to the conclusion that there is no “me”, no set personality.  I had to subtract in order to define.

I was seeing past myself for a very long time until my crazy aunt and OCD cousin moved in, I ran into some trouble, financially and emotionally – I felt trapped and I lost myself.  I indulged on eating those emotional marmalade crackers until my teeth rotted out in my dreams.

When you’re in the hole, you become scared and cling to comfort.  You avoid truth.  You indulge in addictions which includes eating the crackers, trying to find reason where there is none.  Addictions let you escape confronting and accepting emotions.  Talking non-stop, not being present, is as much of an escape (addiction) as heroine.

To sum it up, the only thing you must do in order to be the sun, the gravity in the room, is to see past yourself.  If you do this properly, you’ll witness true reality and see first hand that it’s really not about you.  This can be achieved with conscious speech.

So few people do this, that’s why there aren’t many suns in the room.  You’d be lucky to see one.  One person who is conscious and aware.

To recognize a sun, they are often found in the thick of things but they can step aside from it by choice, which can put people off.  They are equally resented as much as they are loved.  They are the one’s who don’t judge, who often love everyone, and they stop you from eating marmalade crackers because they can’t stomach it themselves.  They can’t watch nor listen to you eat them.  They see it as selfish and they intuitively know that selfishness leads to more suffering.

They don’t take anything seriously which can piss people off.

You know you’re in the presence of a sun if they make you feel good about yourself.  When you like who you are in their eyes, that’s when you’ve met someone who can see past themselves and look into you.

Weak selfish people cling to the suns perception of them, feeding off it like it were a marmalade cracker.  If the sun turns it’s gaze, the selfish will start to shrivel in the shade.  But the thing about the sun is, it’s always bright and giving off light 360 degree’s around – the only thing that’s capable of blocking it is a selfish person’s own ego.

I better end this post.  I’m getting transfixed again.


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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help


My brain is set up like a Plinko game.  I place one ping-pong ball, a thought or idea, into a random slot on the top of my head and let it ping down from one connection to the next until it rests in its arbitrary category.  I have little control over where this thought ends up.

But what happens is, if all my balls end up in a negative category, my mood shifts to negative.  And as my mood shifts to negative, my plinko game turns all it’s possible outcomes into disastrous categories.  No matter where I insert the ball, it ends in calamity.

Sometimes life isn’t about how you play the game, it’s how you prime the board you’re playing on and for me, I play life on the stupidest game of chance, the beloved Plinko.

But lately, I’ve not been categorizing.  It’s like I elongated my board into infinity.  Balls keep pinging from one synapse to the next, but never settling.

I’m not fighting anything because I’m not ending anything.

People think you have to fight in order to stay alive, but with my new improved perspective it’s more like knowing that nothing ever ends.  And if you have the perspective that nothing ever ends, there is no fight.

With that said, my balls get pretty banged up in the process.  They become sore and dirty.

I carry with me, dented-in old dirty balls.  Scoured with years of debris and accumulated filth.  Smelly.

So what do I do with these balls?  Throw them at other people to see if they stick.  They really are quite sticky.

This is where I am right now.  I want to create.  I want to write, paint, play music……I want to rid myself of these sticky balls I carry.

I’m in the process of ridding myself of all selfish desire and in doing so, my world opened up.  I mean, I’m no longer stressed out and running around from one errand to the next – I have my time back.  What I mean by time, I mean my life and what I mean by life, I mean opportunity.

I don’t believe that wanting to throw my sticky balls at people a selfish desire, it’s more like a gift.  The world has ruffled me, scorched my dreams, beat my heart into a bloody pulp – but I’m not done tumbling.  These little nuggets that keep plinking on and on belong not to me, but to the world.  It was the world that created these balls in the first place so it’s only right to send them back out into it.  Of course, after I get my stank all over them.

I haven’t been negative lately.  Not since ridding myself of selfish desire, but I’ve not been optimistic either.  I have all these loose cannon idea’s that have no place, no flavor to suck on.

I guess if they were to have a flavor, it be vanilla.  Instead of having a disgruntled knot in my head, cream has poured itself in its place.

Have I always been so creamy?  So vanilla?

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The Bhagavad Gita

I met a girl last night who told me she’s an angel sent down from heaven and it made me think, “oh god I hope I don’t sound like her when I talk to people.”

She was telling me how spiritual she is, which is fine and all but man……shit, I hope I don’t sound like that.

Our chance encounter made me denounce all spiritual endeavors, chalking them up to a damaged girl looking for answers.  Thinking I’m special when I’m not.  And besides, what good has it ever done in my life?

Well, I never claimed to be special.  Just specially unfortunate.

Shit happens and that’s that.  I’m done looking for meaning.

Until that is……I found the Bhagavad Gita on Audible and listened to it the same night I denounced my quest to find god.

Three minutes into the book, it was renewed.  I literally listened to it for 3 minutes before falling asleep and in those three minutes, it told of why we’re all here – to find god within us while we’re stuck in these meat sacks.

I wasn’t going to publish this video because it sounded stupid and preachy (like that girl I met the other night), but it’s 3:30 AM and I just woke up to the Bhagavad Gita telling me that evil is a dark gravitational pull that pushes us down.

I just got the shills (shit my pants and got the chills at the same time [actually it was a typo but I like the way it sounds]).

Hinduism is no doubt the closest thing to reality.  I’m going to start a side quest into learning more about it.  These people got it right yo.

That woman who wanted a 60-minute chair massage really was crazy.

I’ve been having to massage a lot lately.  At first I didn’t mind, but today it caught up to me.  I hate massaging people.  I loathe it, never liked it, and can’t fathom why anyone would.

I just ate chocolate and drank a glass of milk.  I’m ready to go back to sleep.



Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

The Writing Curse


I try to be saintly, I try to be good

I act how most people think that I should.

So what’s with this shit?

Oh God up above

Giving me no breaks,

Showing no love


The dead bitch represents the crap that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I never actually blamed god for any of it, but I’m going to start.  It feels really good to blame him.  It’s empowering.

During my ayahuasca trip, she told me that god was real but not real.  She also stated that I am god.

Schroedinger’s cat just popped in my head.  Why?  Maybe I am the cat (god) who is getting radioactive poisoning, and I am both alive and dead at the same time (real but not real)?

Sorry, that doesn’t make any sense but maybe I’ll come back to it later……

What I learned from ayahuasca is that we are 100% responsible for how we live our lives.  God won’t help or save us.

She also told me that karma whittles down our ego’s until we are left with nothing but perfect belief in god.

So basically, I’m supposed to believe in myself.  Not only that, but to know with absolute certainty that I can succeed at anything.  Not just believe, but know for a fact.  It’s the kind of knowing that know’s no language, know’s no words.  Your thoughts must leave its vessel.

But they don’t leave.  They never leave.  And because they never leave, we’ll always be a dead radioactive cat – unawakened.

Not making sense again?  What-ev’s…

Your brain uses 20% of your daily caloric intake despite it being only 2% of your body’s weight.  It works harder than your heart.  The heart uses one watt of energy while the brain slurps up 12.

Why am I telling you this?

Where the hell does all that energy go when it’s a rule that energy can’t be created or destroyed?

The bulk of it is used to transfer data from one neuron to the next, and the rest is used for clean-up so you won’t have a stroke.

But once the data gets transferred to its designated neuron, what happens to the energy then?  If it can’t be destroyed?  We obviously don’t recycle it because we keep stuffing our faces.

So, WTF man?

I probably wrote about this before, many times I bet, but I’ll say it again – thoughts are non-local smeared data packets that are faster than the speed of light thereby feeding into the oneness, the collective mass-consciousness of the universe.

Prayers work, but what or whom are we praying to?

Oh man I really want to sink in and write about this.  I mean really dig my fat fingers in but it’s already 11:30 Pm.

Plants can detect danger before it happens.  I watched a Netflix documentary about plants and how they respond before having a limb cut off.

That’s irrefutable PROOF!  Evidence of precognition in plants.  Plants don’t have thoughts, but you don’t need thoughts when working with the “emptiness” of nirvana.

At the University of Nevada, researcher Dean Radin has demonstrated that this also occurs in humans moments before seeing a frightful image.

One’s future affects his past.

There was another study done about train wrecks.  Statistics say that trains bound for crash tend to have a large sum of its regular passengers missing that day.  As in, they coincidentally stayed home or chose a different mode of transportation.

Next time you get on a plane or train with hardly any passengers on it, think twice about leaving on it.

The post I wrote the other day, the one where I wanted my future self to send me a prayer, really got me thinking what if?  What if I can?

Many physicists believe that all possibilities occur simultaneously in non-local spacetime.  They’re all  happening in an infinite array of dimensions.  I seen this demonstrated in the documentary What The Bleep.  Also it’s mathematically proven with Schrodingers cat which I learned about from An Elegant Universe by Brain Greene.  I was 19 or 20 when I read it.

I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a LONG time.

What if all those hundreds of people who stayed home instead of boarding a train doomed to crash, stayed home because their future self in a parallel dimension told them to?

Future self – “Oh man I wished I stayed home today.”

Present self – “I think I’ll stay home.”

I never regretted anything in my life before opening up this business and making so many freaking mistakes.  I want a do-over.  But since only my past self in a parallel dimension will trust her instincts better than I did, I can’t have a do-over.  But what I can have is the intention of never making the same mistake twice – or even new mistakes once.

From here on out I’m trusting my gut.  I’m going to start sending prayers to not just my past self, but future self too.  Starting tonight.  Right now.

What info do you have for me future self?

Okay, weird.

She’s still telling me to wait.  Just wait and see.  Don’t give up.  It’ll work itself out.


Sometimes to help me fall asleep, I watch the screen behind my closed eyelids and wait for images appear.

These images make no sense at all.  Sometimes they are a perfect geometric shape, but other times I get images of a door, the carpet of a floor, a pair of scissors – I forgot what else because I usually fall asleep seconds after seeing these images.  Very rarely do I remember what they are.

These images aren’t a dream.  They’re not in color, they’re just outlines but are very textured and palpable like I can reach out and touch them.

Anyway, I’m going to do that tonight.  Look for images.  I’ll look for key items that can help me with my business.

Winning lotto numbers actually.  I’ll be looking for winning numbers if you want to know the truth.  Sent to me by my future self wanting to see if this experiment actually works.  Although, she won’t know if it works or not.  Not unless….oh, forget it.

This is what happens when you mix desperation and spirituality with a person who loves metaphysics and science fiction.

But anyway, ayahuasca told me that I was a martyr but I have the choice to opt out.

I’m opting out.  I’m done with this shit, you hear me god?  Done done done.

HOlY SHiT!  I just remembered my original topic to this post!

I scrolled up and was about to re-read, edit, and publish this shit but then I read my original title for this post, The Writing Curse.

Ugh, okay, I’ll sum up my thought.  It’s getting really late and I need to sleep dammit.

Basically, when you write your life, you tend to go back and re-read your old posts/entries.  Re-living horrific events all over again.  So I came up with a theory that writers who write their life are more prone to misery.

Why is this?  Because of the feedback loop I mentioned earlier.  Your future self affects your past.

In essence, if your future self believes that their past was shitty, than their present self (now) will feel shitty.  However, if their future self looks back and see’s their past as fun, than their present self will have fun.

Certain events and festivities will be more fun and memorable than others simply because your future self looked back on them and reminisced.

For writers, if this theory is true, will have horrible ups and downs for no apparent reason.  Their shitty times will be extraordinarily shitty while their good times will be grandiose.  And what would’ve been a grandiose time will turn shitty for no apparent reason.  Simply because we looked back on it while in a sour mood and analyzed the piss out of it.

The past is never forgotten for writers and we always compare then from now.  We can’t stop re-reading.

Just in case this is true, I’m shifting my perspective on both my past and my present as being triumphing.  I am triumphing.

And I need to write about the good in my life and stop transfixing on the bad.  If I transfix on the bad, my future self will feed into it by remembering how bad it was only to make it worse than it has to be.

I will happily endure a hard life rather than live a life forgettable, but if I can make it a little less miserable, it’s worth a shot.  And okay, a very long shot.

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This is some-what repetitive of past epiphany’s, but towards the end it gets better

I had a very weird epiphany when I woke up today, well, before I woke up actually.  I was told by my dream world that whatever is alive, isn’t mine.  It doesn’t belong to me.

My body for instance, is alive and therefore is not mine – it isn’t me.  It’s part of the world, made from the world, consists of the same elemental ratio’s as the moon and the stars.

I understood this on a cellular level.  I understood exactly why and how my body isn’t me/mine.

My eyelids are no more mine than the grass growing on somebody else’s lawn.

This thought was as clear to me as one of my ayahuasca insights – a plain truth that can’t be told in words, only felt.

We are like puppet masters.  We have perfect control over anything and everything alive, but we go about it the wrong way.  We go about it in the way of “ownership” when in fact, we own nothing.  We think what we own we can control, but since we own nothing, we can’t control anything – but we can!

It’s hard to explain, obviously.  I mean, how do you explain the unexplainable?

The more effort you put into your garden, the more fruitful it becomes.  If you don’t tend to it, you’ll get nothing.  It’s a respect thing.

When you stop believing you lord over your manor, body and possessions, you start respecting them more.  You understand that you actually have to care for them, and not the other way around.

Respect is very powerful but we got it all wrong.  We don’t understand the true meaning of respect.

What giveth can taketh away.

Belief is also powerful.

People who worry all the time, like hypochondriac’s and over-protective parents, they may worry over things, but they don’t actually “believe” anything bad will happen.  Nobody does.

If you believe the worst will happen, that’s fear and whatever you fear happening will come true.

People who worry take preventative measures in tending to their garden so the “fear” never reaches them.  They believe as long as they stay diligent in their worrying, they’ll never have to face the belief that something bad will come.

I don’t condone worrying, I’m not saying that.  Only, that worriers often tend to things and take great care.  It’s not the best way to go about living and certainly not the only way.

If you can help something, why worry about it?  If it can’t be helped, why worry?  I think I read that on a Buddha meme.

If you want to “own” a plot of land, what you’re actually committing yourself to doing is taking care of it.  Not owning it, but tending to it.  Like children, like your body, and even your friends, you tend to these things.  Not out of ownership or control, but for a greater good that no one is capable of understanding yet.  I can’t even grasp it even though ayahuasca told me repeatedly why:  To evolve.  And that we can only evolve together.

It’s not about expecting reciprocation for your efforts of involvement – it should never be about expectation or assumption.  Tending a garden is a bad example.

We are walking, talking, bodies of influence.  That’s all that we are.


It’s now a few days later, maybe a week.  I’m not sure why I didn’t publish this post.  It was basically done.

But anyway, I don’t feel good.  I’m exhausted.  Owning a business is a cruel joke.

My up’s and down’s are all over the place.  Just last week I felt the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life – no joke or embellishing – I was on top of the world.  This week however, I’m back at feeling lousy.

I’m going to tell you something that I discovered last week and omg, it works!  It sounds so simple that you’d mistake it for something stupid.


I discovered the power of prayer (I’ll tell you why I prayed in a little bit).  The way I did it was, I lit a candle and stared into the flame asking it to grant me strength.  I also asked my ancestors for help.  You know, like tribespeople do.

I learned in my shaman ceremony experiences that fire eats away demons.  You should always look into the fire and it sucks the demons out of you through your eyeballs.

That’s why I prayed with a candle.  I put two and two together.  Catholicism and shamanism.

So anyway, I prayed and went to sleep and wouldn’t you know it, the next day I felt amazing.  More amazing than can be put into words.  My business made over $1700 that week and I was finding joy again aside from washing sheets.

But if you don’t continually tend to something, it wears off.   Once you start expecting it to last, once you stop respecting it and thinking that your success is your own doing and not something celestial, or that it’s a “right” and not a privilege, you start to sink again.

Nothing is in my control but at the same time, it is!  It has something to do with being humble.  Being humble and believing in something bigger than you.  Something bigger, but it’s also in you at the same time.  Like a coalescence.

Oh God its so hard to explain.  But if I ignore or don’t acknowledge this bigger power and rely solely on myself and what I think I can control, I fail.  When I stop respecting God in a way.  By showing no acknowledgment for a higher power shows that I don’t respect him.

Could this possibly be the secret into “The Secret”?  Into the Law of Attraction?  By simply acknowledging and respecting a higher power?  By not proclaiming ownership or control over everything we enjoy or care about?

Ayahuasca tried drilling this into my skull that I must let everything go and to trust.  Over and over again she kept repeating, “let it go. Trust.  Let it go.  Trust.”

But then she said everything is in my control.  Everything that happens to me is all my own doing.

Me – “But how do I change anything?”

Aya – “You must let go of it first.”

Being humble and showing gratitude….I understood gratitude and appreciation for the first time last week.

A major reason why I prayed was because of that horrible thing that happened in work a few weeks back that involved the cops.  It led to an awful review on Yelp.  It was one of the lowest points in my life – so low in fact, that it made me say “fuck it.  Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.”  That helped ease the burden a bit.

But then I prayed.  I prayed and Yelp taken down that awful review the very next day.

The reason why I felt appreciation had nothing to do with Yelp taking down the review.  It’s hard to explain but I’ll try….

Before this whole ordeal with the cops started, I was worried about the business.  Worried over financial matters and little else, but still, it was a heavy burden.

But then the cops showed up at my doorstep and I wasn’t just worried anymore, I was terrified.  This terror lasted for weeks until that man left his nasty review on Yelp and my terror escalated into insurmountable water boarding torture.

But now that it’s finally over, I realized that I wasn’t appreciative before the cop incident happened.  Before the incident, I felt the height of my anxiety was at its max over my financial situation and I had very little to be appreciative for.

“It can always be worse.”

That phrase taught me what it means to be truly appreciative.  You’d have to experience it for yourself to understand what I mean.  Things can always be worse.

I learned so much from this incident – so freaking much.  I learned that things can always be worse, but more importantly, I learned to respect and acknowledge that nothing is in my control.  It’s like I have to hand everything over.  To put it down.  And by putting it down, only then can it be in my control – but it’s not at the same time because if I think I can control something, I never actually put it down in the first place.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I have no kids, I don’t work much, my mom makes me dinner and my dad takes care of the house – I have a tremendous amount of time to be alone and philosophize and even when I do work, my hands are occupied but my mind isn’t.  I have virtually no distractions that derail me from really sinking in and trying to comprehend all this stuff.

But after learning appreciation, I actually want to be in work.  I want to massage again if it’s only to get the business back on tract.  I’m starting to respect it, you know?  I’m respecting and appreciating everything that I already have.  I want to tend to my garden.

All this blows my mind.  How I can see everything fitting together too nicely, too completely.

Respect shows lack of control over a thing (or a person), Appreciation also shows lack of ownership (control).  Humility acknowledges a higher power.  They all fit together.

Plus if you tie in Strength with everything else – it takes a very strong person to hand over their control.  It takes a Brave person.

The opposite of all this?  A power seeker.  Someone who lets fear govern them.  A power seeker will never inherit peace of mind or happiness.  They’ll never hand over their power or relinquish their ego.

I have to remember all this.  I absolutely positively can NOT forget any of it.

I don’t understand yet how happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.  It’s all about the journey and not the end point.  I don’t relate to any of that yet but I’m extremely close to finding it.

After praying with the candle – literally right after – I felt it.  The happiness.  And I feel it every time I write or do a video blog.  And I don’t think it has anything to do with happiness, but rolling with everything, you know?  Sort of like being stronger than life’s punches.

Happiness is not obtainable, but withstanding the punches is.  It’s how we react to the punches, that’s how we spread our influence out into the masses.

Anyway, aside from all that, I had a crazy lucid dream last night.  As always, whenever I have a lucid dream, I grab the nearest person and start making out with them – it doesn’t matter who they are.  If it’s a man, that’s great, if it’s a female, I’ll settle.  My libido is astronomical.  And I’m so passionate!  The kissing alone sends me into ecstasy which confuses me since I thought I had to love the person for the ecstasy part to happen.

But then I stopped being lucid and turned into a big human-sized ant fighting for a Captain ant in his ant army.  It wasn’t a bad dream and the armor accessories were pretty cool.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Strange & Unusual

5 Things Only Old Souls Will Understand

Here’s the link to it:

The guy who wrote it?

                                                                                           This Guy

steven bancarzMellie likeysteve bancarzbancarzOh my…..

I can relate to his list, almost as if I written the damn thing meself.  All except for his #4, The Rejection of Anything Mainstream.

I mean, blogging and devoting yourself to social media (like he’s doing) is pretty damn mainstream if you ask me.  Not to mention the selfies, his twitter, instagram, facebook and whatever else he’s doing.

I love technology and Apple products, so I can’t exactly say I’m against anything mainstream.  Megan Trainer is on the radio and I love her…..

But man oh man I love this boy.  I LOBE HIM.  I mean LOVE (he’s got me all flustered).

Here’s his website:

I just hope he’s not the arrogant type, you know?  Like a self-righteous sort of bloke who squawks about empowerment and puts a label on those “not awakened.”

Gawd we got it, you’re hot and enlightened.  Go fart on a stick (I just made that up, it sounded funny in my head).  But amirite?  I’m right, right?

Anyway, I was on a quest before my ADHD kicked in and shoved his article down my gullet.  His article was not my mission, cartoons are my mission.

He’d probably scoff at me and roll his eyes.

Yeah that’s right, I like cartoons!  What of it pretty boy?

Okay okay, maybe I don’t “love” him.  At least, not in that special way I don’t.  I thought I did.  But that journey is over now.  It lasted all of 10 minutes.

I never know how I truly feel about something until I write about it and this time it only taken me 260 words.

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Part of being brave is not caring what other people think of you.

Home is where everything is, you know?  And where do you feel most at home?  When you’re around people who love and accept you.

You feel energized, unstoppable, unbeatable, not afraid of anything because all you’ll ever need is right there where you are.  Love, acceptance, and trust in knowing that the feeling of home isn’t going anywhere.

You’re so deep in the trust that you didn’t know you had it until it’s gone.

Many people don’t go anywhere without bringing a friend along.  They bring a little piece of home.  A reminder of who they are.  They bring courage in the form of a person.

Bravery is found in letting go of that person and learning to trust that home is always in your heart, nobody else’s.

Make yourself at home wherever you are, and with whomever you’re with.

I discovered this idea a very long time ago when I watched the very first season of American Idol.  It was Kelly Clarkson who brought this idea of “home” to my attention.

In her first audition, she made herself at home.  Like she belonged there.  She was joking around, not taking it “seriously”.  She was actually having fun without being nervous and talked to the hosts like they were old friends.

Then I watched guests being interviewed on talk shows.  The best of these guests made themselves at home.  Like they had some kind of impenetrable armor.  The kind that children wear, sorta like a cloak of acceptance.  They accept who they are.  They love who they are.  Most importantly, they enjoy who they are.

But kids have no awareness of loving themselves or accepting who they are, they don’t question it.

“I’m me and that’s all.”

It’s like they have a valid excuse for everything they do or say and that excuse is; “I’m me.  I’m just doing what me does.”

But since we’re all caught up in the ego game, we have trouble taking this “home” with us without validation from an outside force.  The narcissist feeds.  We’re all narcissists to some degree.

The narcissist tries to recreate their childhood “home” of security. The type of security that involves an incredible amount of trust – so deep in it that you can’t see it until it’s gone. It’s just always there, without question.

It’s when you start to question the validity of your home, does it start to crumble. What brought on your doubt in the first place? Because a person brought you down and judged you.

The closer you are to finding your true home, the closer you come to enjoying this life.  Whatever you’re doing, whomever you’re with, it’s pure enjoyment simply because you enjoy in yourself.  You take pleasure in not knowing what you’ll do, or be faced with next.

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.  Being worried all the time is NOT you.  Trust nobody but yourself.

Haters will always be there.  No matter what you do or say, take comfort in knowing that you can trust a hater to jab you at each turn.  It’s the haters job to make you turn back “home” to where artificial validation lies.  Artificial meaning, not coming from you but from others.

Why? Because your heart (home) wasn’t strong enough. Your belief fell short.

If a person is able to hurt you, that only means someone else is able to make you feel good.

Ayahuasca says that feedback, whether it be good or bad, are of equal unimportance.  Don’t let either of them affect you because one doesn’t work without the other.

Rational Brain – “What if the haters are right?  What then?”

Then you learn.

Haters are there to remind us of our dubious nature to trust others more than we trust ourselves.  Herd mentality.  Strength in numbers.

It’s nearly impossible to unlearn centuries of evolutionary survival tactics.

I’m writing this because some poor guy commented on a post I wrote a very long time ago about my ex-boyfriends girlfriends hate letter to me.  I reminded him of a girl who hurt him and so he unleashed his beast.

Everyone wants approval, sometimes they want vengeance, but most of all they want to be heard.  Strength in numbers…..but what is it they are strengthening?

But I appreciate his comment because it made me remember what home means to me.  Of course home will always be where my heart is, my family, the people I love – it’s home base.  But what happens if it’s gone one day?  What happens when the trust is gone, or people pass, or I move away?

What is home then?

It’s always there. It was there from the beginning. And to be able to go back to it with awareness of it’s existence, can only make it stronger.

It’s our Gods space – the reason for us being here is to reclaim it. It’s just that we go about it the wrong way. The narcissistic way of finding security and contentment.

The strongest of us are the most beautiful.  What I mean by beautiful, I mean kind.

Kindness is giving and more often than not, it’s the giving of forgiveness.

And the glory of it is that it’s easy to forgive when you understand the true nature of home.  You forgive yourself and carry everything you need internally without seeking an outsiders influence.  What’s to forgive?  If you’re not hurt by anyone, what’s to forgive?

Being brave means to trust yourself.  There’s no better meaning than that.  What other people think of you should be of no consequence.  It’s insanity when you think about it.  I mean, really think about it.

I’m exhausted.  It’s already 2 in the morning and I’m laying in bed in my underwear because it was just too damn hot earlier to put anything else on.

Ah nice, nice clean sheets and I flipped my memory foam mattress.

Anyway, I have to sleep.  I have four clients tomorrow.

I’m up to the letter G in cataloging my new membership system.  H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are all that remains.

I can’t be manipulated or controlled, nobody can get a good grasp on me.  And the people who don’t trust themselves, end up not trusting me.  It’s all just a mind game.  One that I don’t want to participate in.

I’m almost positive that this geek category that I’m in, doesn’t participate in these games.  We’re geeks.  Not adults.  Adults do this shit, not us.


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I’m thinking about changing my name to MelAnus.  It’s close enough to Melanie so my parents won’t care too much.  And once it’s changed, I’ll switch the name of my blog to MelAnus Discharge.  Pretty cool, huh?  Thought of it meself.  Actually thought of it as I was typing it.

Because, well, let’s be honest here.  What I spew into my blog is no different then relaxing my bowels but man I tell you what, I enjoy both.

Enough small talk, I wanted to share with you my epiphany I had earlier.

I thought long and hard (while relaxing my bowels) about my curious “innocent” nature and it has nothing to do with me trying to cover up a demon – I love my demon actually, and recently wrote about him.

Cool guy.

No, I’m not actually innocent.  I’m stupid!  People mistake my stupidity for innocence which only means that those people are just as stupid as I am.

I’m glad I got that off my chest.  Acknowledging and accepting my stupidity makes me feel closer to inching my way onto one of the more specialized secular branches of the category tree.  I have fellow brothers and sisters who will laugh beside me and hold my hand – I am not alone.

And maybe I am fearless, but it’s only because I’m stupid – I don’t think, only do.  MelAnus do do.  It all makes sense now.

It makes me feel so much better by knowing myself.  Like finally getting a diagnosis for a horrendous rash on your genitals.  The itch will now stop.

So yes, I am playing spa owner.  Not because I want to enrich the lives in my community, but because I want to be rich and not have to work.

Okay, other than that, last night I hit my peak of fear and today I woke up bright-eyed and chipper thanks to my buoyant nature or what some like to call, being bi-polor.

Why was I at the height of my fear?  Have you ever owned a business?

Let me break it down for you, when your business starts siphoning money from an already depleted well, you’re going to hear a sucking sound.  And that sucking sound will follow you around everywhere you go.  Every thought that you have, every loose dollar you spend.

“I think I’ll get a dunkin iced coffee today!  Oh wait….”  Suck suck suck.  Your chest caves in.

You may not believe me, but it’s like going through a bad breakup, or a divorce – your heart smolders in satanic ashes, you breathe like you only have a quarter of your lung capacity left.

Nothing else matters.  All else is nonsense.

You basically lose yourself.  You lose yourself to the environment that you placed yourself in.

When you lose yourself, there is no joy there.  But on the flip side, others may feel that when they “lose” themselves, they’re free.  They’re at their happiest.  But they haven’t actually lost themselves per se, no, they found themselves.

As a proud member of the Stupid category, I’m adequately happy pretty much all of the time.  I let loose and I’m able to be myself – I’m not one that gives a fuck (just watch me dance).  What I’m trying to say is that I found out who I was a very long time ago but the seriousness of the world sucked it out.

It made me feel insecure, unsafe, unwanted.  I’m not “professional” or “responsible” is what I hear.  The world can do that people.  To just about everyone.

And now with my business hanging on the brink, it pushes me further away.

When you’re being yourself, you live in the moment.  I know this for a fact and not just by listening to the Power of Now but I’ve lived this way for years!  That is, before I started to “grow up”.

Everyone’s got it wrong.  Don’t ever grow up.

I’m a believer in choice.  Ayahuasca told me there is ALWAYS a choice.  And with this belief, comes answers.  Where there’s a choice, there is always an answer.

I woke up today happy because I remembered that there’s always an answer.  You only have to believe and do everything it takes and I mean everything.

Shit takes its toll.  Worse than going in circles over the GW bridge (which is one of my humiliating traditions).

When you see the answer, bam, you’re back to your normal self.  But sometimes you see your answer and it doesn’t register right away.  It may take a while until you fully see it.

“No no that’s too outlandish, it will never work.”  Then you sit on it for a while and you wake up one day and say, “That’s it!  Why have I waited so long?!”

Perhaps you have to be your normal self in order to see your unique answer?

What is my normal self?  Well, I forgot for a long time who I was until I recently remembered that I’m part stupid.

How do you know who your normal self is?

Okay, I figured out how to do this and I’m sure it’s different for everyone so I made it into a one question quiz.  For me personally, the answer was stupidity – this answer frees me.  For you it might be something completely different.

Okay, here’s the first and only question:  What are you most afraid of?

And I don’t mean bears or zombies, no, I mean, what are you afraid of being?  Right at this very moment?

This is a tricky question because I don’t want you to get confused with consequences or end result answers like, “I’m afraid of being alone.”

Being alone is an end result answer, not a present moment way of being.  Or, “I’m afraid of living with regrets” , “I’m afraid of being poor”,”I’m afraid of not being a good provider.”

Those are all end result stuff, future stuff.  I mean your quirks, your secret personality defects, your flaws – the really good stuff.

By finding out exactly what you’re afraid of being and then committing yourself to becoming what you’re afraid of then guess what happens?  The fear of it completely dissolves and what you’re left with is your pure untainted identity.

By accepting my stupidity and sharing it with others, I’m completely free.

When I smoke pot around people, depending on who I’m with, I can see these types of fears in others.  I can see how it holds people back, causes them to manipulate, get offended, skirt the truth – I see it!

The way out is in.  It’s to embrace.  If you don’t believe me, you’ll just have to trust me on it.

Rational Brain – “What about rapists, pedophiles, or people with an urge to kill?  You want them to embrace their weaknesses?”

That’s not who they really are, it’s more like a compulsion they have, or a need.  Like smoking cigarettes or doing drugs, it satisfies a craving.  It’s a brain problem.

Rational Brain – “You have a bullshit answer for everything, don’t you?”

It’s not bullshit, I read an article.  It’s actually really sad.

But anyway, that’s how you find yourself.  By finding out what you’re afraid of being and becoming it by choice.  If you don’t do it by choice, it will happen without your choice and I promise you it WILL happen.

And if you do this correctly, you don’t actually become your fear.  You eliminate it.  And by eliminating it, nothing holds you back anymore.  You’d be fully present and I’d be able to smoke pot around you.

I guess it’s hard to explain.

It’s 1AM and I told myself I was going to exercise tomorrow before work.  I have to friggin sleep.

Before I go, I just want to say that I don’t think I’ll be blogging for a while.  At least, not until I whip my business back into shape.  I just hate writing the same morose things over and over again.  I hate whining.

You want to hear something disgusting?  I saved my dental floss!  I flossed my teeth with it and put it aside for next time.  Where is it?  Oh, I think it’s on the floor now.  Okay, I’ll throw it out.  But I just wanted to demonstrate to you just how much in the dog house I am.

MelAnus weeps.

My mom today gave me toothpaste, toilet paper, shampoo, and socks.

Me – “Thank you for these gifts!”

And I really REALLY meant it.

“I won’t have to darn my socks this winter!”

I can’t believe I wrote so much.  All I wanted to tell you was that I’m going to take a break from writing for a while.

To wrap things up, I just want to reiterate that living in the present moment requires you to eliminate all fear.  Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now, tells you to live presently and your fears will wash away by themselves, but I like my way better.  My way of confronting your fear is better.  If you don’t confront it, you’ll have no awareness of it and soon enough you’ll become that what you hate most.

My brain works swiftly when I’m in the present.  I’m less jumpy and I feel smarter.  Almost impenetrable, like nobody has any negative affect on me whatsoever.

I miss that feeling.

How do I get it back?  Two ways in conjunction:  By remembering there is always a choice and because a choice exists, I will find an answer.  And secondly, by embracing what it is I’m afraid to be.

MelAnus is done discharging for tonight.

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Filed under All about me, humor, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help


I just watched Insurgent, the second book in the trilogy and now I’m re-watching Divergent, the first book.  I watched it in the theater with my niece when it first came out so it’s like watching it for the first time.  It’s one of the perks of having the memory of a goldfish.

But I’m being completely, 100% honest when I say that I can’t find my category.  I can’t find my stereotype, my place.  I’m not even a full fledged geek, not a rebel or a drunk, definitely not a saint or scholar, opposite of marriage and/or baby making material.

Just what the hell am I?

Since I was a kid, I started seeing similarities in people.  I noticed that two people of no relation, never met one another, can have such striking similarities that leave me dumbstruck.

“How can this be?  Aren’t we all different?”

Stereotyping is a real thing and it’s okay to do so long as you don’t factor in skin color, race, religion – superficial stuff like that.  If you look beyond the exterior, that’s where you’ll find insane similarities in people from opposite backgrounds and cultures.  It’s not exactly stereotyping, but similar in the sense of categorizing people.

Okay, culture does factor in a bit and so does skin color, race and religion – but only if the person in question identifies with their superficial exterior.  As long as their identity is linked with their environment, they will become a product of it.  Not only will they become a product of it, but they’ll judge others on their superficial differences since they learned how to do it on themselves.

But….Sometimes environment doesn’t change a person and when that happens, the categories branch off into smaller sects – more defined personalities, less blind faith, more knowing.  Less grasping and more taking.  Less losing and more giving.  More choices.

The smaller sects are the people who interest me and if you take a person out of their element and thrust them into the unknown, you start to see them branching into one of the smaller rungs of a more competent nature.  I.e. , they learn more of who or what they are.

Perhaps that’s why astrology was invented – to explain why we all fit snuggly into categories.  Vata, Pita, and what’s the other one?  Kapha?  Those were invented too but as a way to assess and treat medical conditions.

I’ve only met one or two people in my day that I can say for certain are my kin.   We’re alike, but not totally.  Not really….Okay, maybe not for certain.

What I wouldn’t give to meet another me.  I’m like nobody I’ve ever met before and yet (truthfully), I can somehow relate to everyone.  I can find aspects of myself in just about everyone I meet.

I already did this with each of my employee’s.  It’s megalomanic of me to say, but they each represent a part of me.  Even Laurie, the girl I got rid of – she encompassed some of my worst qualities.

There are just so many Me’s!  So many perspectives, so many minute experiences that my mind grinds down into sand and throws back into sea.  A torrential, never-ending thread of thought and feeling.

How can I NOT write?  How can I not keep lists?

I loathe narcissists.  I don’t know why, but I hate them.  I’m well aware of hate being a strong word.  And here I am writing a post that would indubitably make me hate myself.

Indubitably…..who used to say that?  A cartoon character from the 80’s with a mustache and monocle?

I get inspired easily and Divergent is just one of those stories that does it to me.  Excuse my self-love for tonight, it’s a temporary fixture.

I was laying on my back while my employee practiced giving me a scalp massage and I started laughing – “I feel like we’re all playing together.  Like we’re playing spa.”

My employee laughs.

“I always felt that way since I opened.  It feels like I’m playing at being a spa owner.”

Employee – She laughs and says, “you’re so…. innocent.”

Innocent… my “innocence” an innocuous way of me hiding something more sinister?

That thought grazed my mind after she said that.  What if my “playing” is a ruse, even to me?  Intended to mask my inner demon?

My friend the other day slipped me a polished rock with the word “FEARLESS” etched into it.  She slid it into the pocket of my hoodie when we were walking back to my car.  I dug around for it, pulled it out and smiled at her.

But if my “innocence” really is a perfunctory attempt to hide what’s really inside, so much so that I can be seen and categorized under “innocent”, that only means I have more fear than your average deer (in headlights).

Innocence plus fearlessness equals early doom.  But I’m pretty sure my innocence is a ruse, and my fearlessness is mistaken for pigheadedness.

I have much to learn and much to let go of.  I sometimes wish people would question the words coming out of my mouth.

“Yeah right, you’re full of shit.”

Yes I am!  Thank you!

Or maybe I’m just bored and reading too much into things.  I’m transfixing and I have a headache.

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Knowing Demon Mel

I just ended a post and started up a new one!  It’s the same night, a few minutes later, and here I am still exhausted.

I just wanted to clarify something and I may need the help of Rational Brain to do it.

Rational Brain – “You rang?”

I totally contradicted myself by writing that you shouldn’t adapt.  More accurately, I contradicted Bruce Lee, “Be like water my friend.”

It’s wrong to adapt to something you’re not passionate about.  Like shitty jobs or shitty friends.  It’s only then do you feel pieces of yourself ebbing away.

Whoa, I feel like I just taken this concept on a much deeper level.  Ayahuasca level.  Hold on, let me explain.

It’s not about you adapting to the environment, it’s about the environment adapting to you.  You become one with it.  You own that shit (I’ve been saying that a lot).

What’s the environment?  Anything that isn’t you.

How do you do this?  By remaining present and in the moment.  By conspiring with your inner Demon – the so-called “bad” guy who wants to do only what *he* wants to do (aka, your true nature, your true intent).

So what are you adapting to exactly?  Nothing.  The environment is adapting to you.  You remain still, like water.  Ahhhh I totally get it.

In essence, you’re not fighting anything.  You’re not fighting the current by being miserable by refusing to adapt to the environment.  Instead, your working with it.

When I don’t adapt while massaging someone, I become miserable.  I clash with the situation.  My true intent (money and freedom) has to be sacrificed for the greater good of the client and I’m a little less miserable by doing so.  How is this a bad thing?

By denying my true nature, my environment will never adapt to me.  It leads to stagnation.

The question is, who is this Demon Mel?  What exactly is my true nature?

There is no you, only desires.

By relinquishing my desires, I’m less miserable.  How is this a bad thing again?

Why are you relinquishing your desires?  Is it out of fear of never obtaining them?


So, I’ll never be rid of my desires as long as fear controls them.

I know how I sound right now, I know.  But I can’t shake the Law of Attraction and how ayahuasca told me I’ll never obtain anything out of fear.

Everything coincides.

I have to accept that I do desire money and freedom and by accepting my desires, I accept my inner demon.  The one capable of transmuting my surrounding environment.

I have to remain still, like water, and present, unchanging.  I have to work with what is there.  No conflict, no turbulence, just pure intent.

Okay, well, I polished that thought up nicely enough.  I just wonder if I’ll ever implement it?  Because whenever I let Demon Mel sit and stew, I befall to hatred.

“I really hate this.”  Is my prevailing thought.

Rational Brain – “That’s just weakness.  It’s doubt.  And it happens when your actions don’t match up with your intentions.”

I think I’ll end this post the way it is.  I’ll just keep going around in circles if I don’t.

Rational Brain – “And I think you’ve written about this before.”

Hence, it goes around in circles.

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