Category Archives: journal

My motorcycle dream

I had my first motorcycle dream last night.  I dreamt I was riding a blue Honda Grom.

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I’m surprised it was blue since that’s the least likeliest color I’d pick in real life.  But after having the dream, I sorta like the blue now.

I was confident and maneuvered the bike like a pro.  It was bliss.  It was the freedom I’ve longed for, only, I was late for work.  Not only was I late, but lost too.

I had to work at a banquet facility to do chair massage.  The location was beautiful, very woodsy, green and lush.  A handsome man saw me looking at a map and offered some help.

Me – “Do you know where the banquet hall is around here?”

Man – “I sure do but you don’t want to go there.  There’s nothing there.”

Me – “I don’t want to go there either but I’m already late for work.  I have to get there fast.”

Man – “It’s too far.”

All I wanted to do was hop on my bike and drive far away from work and everyone.  The bike felt like an extension of myself, I had no fear what-so-ever while riding it.  But I had the panic that comes with being late for something important.  I couldn’t fully enjoy the ride.

I’m still stuck in fear and it’s holding back my heart.

That’s all I can remember about the dream. It’s not difficult to decipher.

All I have to do is furnish at least one of the new massage rooms upstairs and hire another therapist – that’s it.  Then I’m done.  But my biggest problem is my finances.

According to my outward projection, next month I’ll only have $3,200 in the bank and I need at least $12,000 to cover all my monthly expenses.  So yeah, it’s a bit of a problem.

But I’m going to run a Mother’s day special, promote the membership deal again, and offer a “members facial” just for members.  A facial that changes with the seasons so nobody gets sick of it.

I need 40 more members.  Only 40.  I’m going to email blast everyone on Saturday, May 2nd.  I’ll even offer a bi-monthly membership because the number one reason why people drop out is because they have way too many massage credits to catch up on.  Some people can’t make it in every month and they start accumulating.  It’s actually the only reason aside from a few clients who dropped out due to financial reasons.

The bi-monthly membership will remedy both causes.

I’m extremely hopeful even though my bank account is in the red.  I’m hopeful to the point of delusion.

I’m turing one of my new massage rooms into not another couples room, but a tri-client room.  Three people can get massaged at the same time in the same room.  And also it will be my laser light show room.  Laser lights, a fog machine, psychedelic music and black lights – I’ll make it look like nothing anyone’s ever seen before.  I can hang a special laser high up on the wall to point down at the floor so it looks like you’re walking on water.  I can sell it on Groupon and make a killing.  I’ll call it the Party Massage, or something.  Maybe add a little wine before and after.

Everything happens on May 2nd.  May 2nd is the moment of truth.  Can I sell 40 memberships on May 2nd?  Stay tuned…..

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It’s Midnight on Tuesday Night. Do You Know Where Your Parents Are?


No.  No I do not.

If I were to guess, I’d say they were at the casino feeding slot machines when they should be at home feeding me.

Just kidding, I can feed myself.  Mom purposely left pasta out for me to boil.

I always sound so damn helpless when I write truth.  Stupid truth….

Anyway, I got home from work tonight at around 9:30 and boiled water for my pasta.  While I waited for the pot to boil, I sat at the kitchen table and for the first time in a long time, I was completely alone with myself.

No TV, no internet, no phone, no noise, no flatulent worries that reek my mind.  Just me and the kitchen.

I gazed over at our deer head collection.

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There went my serenity.  Deer heads?

“Why would anyone want to hang death on their wall as a trophy?”

And for a moment I felt like I was on drugs.  Sometimes when I’m high (which is roughly once a year), it connects me to the emptiness I experienced for two seconds a while back.  Inside the emptiness, you step outside the box (which was never there to begin with), and see things as though it was your first time seeing it and no matter how hard you try, you can’t understand what you’re looking at.  And it’s not about judging anything, you simply don’t understand the reason for something.

This is what we do.  We hang animal heads on our wall.  Why?  There are too many reasons why.  And once you find a reason, you question the reason too.  Why?

A tribute, a trophy, for beauty, for brawn.  We defeated our fear of death by killing something beautiful to feast on.  The mounted head can symbolize the life we have yet to live.  The glory of the hunt, we shall live another day.

Then I looked straight in front of me.

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Our house is cluttered with several lifetimes collected on our walls.  I remember when my mom made that sack of potato’s in her arts and crafts class.  I was there with her and made one too.  I was 10 or so.  I bought my mom that picture of the last supper one year for christmas.  She likes that sort of thing.

Then I sunk slowly into sentiment – it’s not the best place to be.  My tarot reader specifically warned me about my sentimentality.

“I won’t be able to live in this house once my parents are gone.  Everything will remind me of them.  I’ll never stop crying.”

Rational Brain – “You have to appreciate them while they’re here.”

“Do I do enough for them?  Do they know how much I love them?”

I’ve experienced true regret only once in my life.  It was real down-hearted grief over not being there when my dog died.  If I never experienced this deep regret, I never would have learned appreciation like I do now.  I never would’ve learned an important facet of love.

My water started boiling.

My business is on the brink of something.  Either failure or success, only time will tell.  My new esthetician is on the schedule for 35 hours a week and I just rented the two empty rooms upstairs for more treatment rooms.  This will cost me a minimum of $2000 a month which I can easily pay if 40 more members sign up.  I believe I can reach 40 more.  The question is, will I reach it before I go bankrupt?

If I get to take my cross-country motorcycle adventure this year, I’ll head straight to California for a 10 day meditation retreat.  I’ll experience true freedom by having all my needs met so I can empty my mind into the emptiness and open my innocent untainted eyes for the first time to connect me with the infinite potential.

It’s real.  That’s what’s crazy.  It’s a real place, the emptiness.  Monks spend years trying to find it, but I found it while falling to sleep while listening to an audiobook.  Albeit it was only for two seconds, but that’s all I needed to understand it.

If I were to experience emptiness while being under the influence of ayahuasca and step into the gateway, I could get lost in there.  I’ll come back being a guru or something.

I should stop blogging for the night.  Before leaving work tonight I surfed the net to escape my mind for a while and ended up on a website that showed pictures they claimed would “make me gush tears”.  And it did.  I gushed.  It’s still lingering in my system like caffeine.

I hate when I get like this, but I’m extra sensitive lately.  Stress makes me more susceptible to feeling things deeper than norm.  It’s like walking around with an open wound that can get infected.  And it’s painfully addicting to keep picking at it.  Almost like you don’t want it to heal.  If it heals, you’ll have nothing to pick at anymore.

Perhaps my sentimentality is a form of control?  No no, I have to stop blogging.  No more questions tonight.

 

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June 1st is when it’s at

I’m going to hang up my holster and retire from massage starting June 1st.

I can’t do it anymore.  I’ve never been more miserable than I am now.  It never stops.  They just keep booking and booking with me.

For the next two or three weeks I’m booked with clients.  I’m extremely annoyed, frustrated, tired, not to mention broke after spending over $6000 these past two weeks on facial supplies and quarterly taxes.

My esthetician starts work on Monday.  I’m putting her on the schedule, have her fill out paperwork, organize the facial room and go over protocols with her – I have lots to do on Monday, three days from now.

Once my facials are set up and in the system, I’ll promote the membership deal and I have no choice but to rent the two empty rooms upstairs and convert them into treatment rooms.

Which means, I have a shit ton of shit to do…..again.  There’s always a shit ton of shit.

I’ll be having to go to Ikea at least a good 10 to 15 times before getting all the furniture I need for the new rooms.  Then buying the massage tables, stereo systems, more lotion, more sheets…more money out the window.

At least I’m figuring out that the more therapists I have working, the more money I’m likely to make.  This is a HUGE realization, and probably the best news a business owner can hope for.  However, I can’t hire anymore therapists until I rent the rooms upstairs.

I need at least one more therapist.  Just one more and I’ll be free.  Of course I say that every time I hire a new person and it never free’s me.  This time will be different.

I have two therapists waiting for me to hire them – two that are pretty, experienced, and smart!

I hate waiting.

And on top of everything, I still have to give massages.  My frustration is obscene right now.  Ob-freaking-scene.

One of my therapists is on vacation this week.  That’s why I’m more angry than usual.  I’ve been massaging a hell of a lot more than my normal amount.

My brother isn’t speaking to me anymore.  He’s upset that I’m offering facials and he’s scared that I’ll take business away from him.

First of all, his girlfriend is the one who bought the spa near mine and when they split up, he bought her out.  He bought her out even though he knew my business was next to his.

Screw that shit.  I’m not apologizing for anything.  He’s threatening to take down my business – real threats too, not just stupid talk, but hateful comments.  Things you wouldn’t expect to hear from someone who supposedly loves me.

He says that I don’t work hard, that I’m low-balling the massage industry and bringing down its value.  All because I offer memberships.

I’m not only hated by other massage therapists, but now my own brother hates me.

I’ve seen the future of the massage industry way back in massage school ever since learning about Massage Envy.  Massage Envy is the future of massage, we have to keep up with it or get out of the business.

And because I’m keeping up with it, I’m the enemy.

I have too much on my plate to care about anything small.  Petty people, insincere people, spiteful, jealous, insecure – they all piss me off.

Gossip and rumors – who the fuck cares!?  You know?

He’s home.  My brother just got home.  I have to go back to work.

June 1st is my deadline.  June 1st is when I’ll be free of it.

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Stomach cramps to the extreme, enrolling in Husky, and trying to sue a woman for slander all in today’s post

10 years ago I got really sick and sent to the ER for eating an entire loaf of beer battered bread drenched in french onion dip dressing made by the company Tastefully Simple.

You see, I attended a Tastefully Simple party one evening while I was famished and I ate small sample’s of their beer battered bread dipped in french onion dip and loved it so much (because everything tastes amazing when you’re hungry), that I went on ahead and ordered some to make for myself and well, I’m a child when it comes to it.  I can’t feed myself properly.

Anyway, I ended up at the ER with a lousy doctor having no bedside manner telling me I can end up with a colostomy bag and my intestines partially removed.  She said I should get biopsied to see if anything’s cancerous because apparently my insides are a mess.

Well, none of that happened.  I never got a biopsy and never had any part of my intestines removed.  I did however, get a bill for over $2000 which taken me stacks of time and paperwork to finagle myself out of paying it.

Long story long, a few days ago my tummy started up again with the incessant cramping, extreme fatigue, muscle aches and nausea.  It feels like menstrual cramps, but they’re not.

And so like the responsible adult that I am, I called up my landlord whining to him like a baby and asked him to sign me up to Husky because I don’t know how to do it myself and I might die if I wait any longer or worse, have my intestines removed and have to defecate into a bag around my leg.

My landlord helps people sign up for health coverage, it’s one of his many little services he offers.  But there was a bit of transference happening, I ain’t gonna lie.  The guy cares about me and has a ton of experience dealing with sick people.  He was very fatherly to me over the phone and I LOVE when people do that.  Because, well, I am a child.

And so now I’m a proud member of Husky healthcare.  The insurance for poor people which covers EVERYTHING.  They can provide me with food stamps and cell phone coverage if I deem it necessary (which I don’t).

My landlord said that I have to take advantage of it now before I start making money next year because Obamacare is way worse than Husky with their high deductibles and selected doctors.

I laid in bed for most of the day with frozen tater tots on my belly.  I’m going to hold off on seeing a doctor until it’s absolutely necessary simply because, well, shit man I don’t want to get biopsied for cancer.  Can you imagine waiting for those results?  Not for me, no thanks.

But I’m going to look into getting my wisdom teeth removed so they stop f*cking up my mouth and have my eyes checked especially for night blindness.

In other news, Sara Evil, the crazy woman who wrote that nasty review about me, sent me an irate email about how I cancelled her appointments yesterday without her consent.

One of my therapists wrote her an email confirmation explaining that since she was a “no show” for her previous appointment, can she please respond back to confirm it this time.

Then I read the review she left and so logically I had to cancel her – screw that shit.  But I knew in the back of my mind that no matter what I did, she was going to screw us over.  Either by not showing up, or complaining that her appointments got cancelled and guess what?  I was right.

When we cancel a client, they get an automatic email notification saying that their massage been cancelled.

Here’s what she wrote:

I cannot believe you cancelled my appointments because I didn’t confirm with you. You didn’t even give me time to respond. I didn’t get to check my email until 3pm, which by that time I got the cancellation notice. What kind of business do you run? This is ridiculous. I had booked those massages for my husband and I for our anniversary, and was surprising him. So, thanks to you, it was all ruined! I never booked the massage in which you claim I no showed, so I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I had booked a massage, I would surely show up. What is the number you have on file for me?

We have what’s called a “four-handed massage.”  It’s when a client gets massaged by two therapists at the same time.  Well, she booked two of them after having written that nasty review about us.

I tactfully responded with:

Whoa there, settle down. We were all there and you still could’ve came in for your massage but we didn’t hear anything back from you. Have you ever been here before? It looks like you’ve never showed up for any massages you booked in the past.

Thanks,

Melanie

If she responds with, “no I never been there before”, than I can sue her for slander because her email address is tied in with her Yelp review claiming that she has been here before.  But unfortunately, she’s too smart for that and caught on to what I was doing so she never responded.  She’s probably busy making new aliases so she can write up even more false reviews and in which case, I’ll delete my Yelp account.

As far as my Groupons go, they started selling again today.  So even with her review, we’re still getting clients in here.  I sold 20 today and felt the cramping in my stomach subside and the black cloud removed from my heart.

So, whew, right?  Now I just have to worry about my health and honestly, I’m not even worried about that.

I’m back again at being my happy ol’ self.  It was all just another episode in my life, one of several dozen that usually never make it into my blog.  But I have time now.  I have time as long as it’s not a Friday or Sunday – the two days I’m still scheduled to work.

Deep breath Mel, it’s over.

Why does every goddamned thing I go through have to be so freaking gut wrenching?  Literally this time!?

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Melanie’s black cloud day

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Today was weird.  Completely and utterly weird.  And not just because my Mother wanted me to have Fed Ex trace down her package of baby wipes, I mean seriously?  Baby wipes?

My heart is sinking.  You know that feeling?  That feeling you get when a dementor pays you a visit?  It’s fear without hope.

Some woman is out to get me.  She wrote a nasty review on Yelp and said I was a terrible massage therapist (the worst she’s ever had) and she had to go to the hospital after her massage.  The hospital!

Okay, first thing you should know is that this woman was never at my business – I NEVER massaged her.  She said in her review that I offered to give her a spinal adjustment by walking on her back which I’ve never done in all the years I’ve been doing this.

When I get a bad review, I shrug it off.  But what I can’t shrug off is a blatant lie.  I have zero patience for liars.  I’m pissed.  Horribly horribly pissed.

Oh and that’s not all!  This woman keeps booking appointments with us and not showing up for them!  She goes under the alias of Sara E.  She’s never once been here.

I contacted Yelp, the place where she published her slander, and told them that it’s a fake review.

But as a result of her review, my Groupon sales plummeted.  I used to sell 40 Groupons a month which gave me a steady $1000 extra cash a month and now this month I only sold two.

And thus, I’m freaking out.

I woke up from a weird dream today.  I dreamt that some guy was spreading nasty rumors about me that weren’t true.  He was telling people I that I smoked cork, not crack, but cork – what we use to plug wine bottles with.

And yes, it makes no sense.

But I got on his ass and repeatedly asked why.  Why lie about me?  What did I do?

He ignored me and didn’t answer.  I was heated in the dream, but didn’t lose my cool.  My curiosity outweighed my anger.

That’s what’s driving me crazy about this whole thing.  Not knowing why.  Why me?  Why do this?

My employee’s today are the one’s who pointed it out to me.  They saw her on the schedule, knew she wasn’t going to show up, and then searched for her on Yelp where they found her review.  They said the E is for Evil.  Sara Evil.

My therapist – “She’s got it out for you.  This is personal.  Do you have any enemies?”

Me – “Um, sort of.”

What she’s doing is actually a felony.  Slander is a felony.  Unfortunately, the only lawyer we have in the family is a complete bitch.

It’s like, there’s always some kind of nasty hurdle I’m faced with.  This is the first one that’s really nasty though.

I had that dream before I read her review.  When I woke up today I was like, “Shit, I really hope that one doesn’t come true.”  Lo and behold….

I can’t believe the accuracy of my dreams.  I hate them.  I really do.  And I hate my emotional telepathy – being able to read someones thoughts just by feeling their emotions.  I hate it.  And I know you don’t believe me.

I normally don’t crave alcohol, but tonight I’m jonesin for a beer.

I have to get to work on casting the most powerful petronus spell yet.  I have a flurry of swag up my sleeve.  There’s always an answer to every problem.

And as shitty as today went, I swear I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling like my happy self again – I’m not just saying that either, I mean it.  Shit stuff always happens to me, but the next day I forget all about it and keep plugging along.

Oh god I hope I forget about this.  And I hope yelp takes down that false review.

Today felt like the “real” world everyone talks about.  “Welcome to the real world, Mel.  A place where people are rotten and life sucks.”

That’s not my normal world.

 

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Thailand

It’s been forever ago that I went, or at least it seems like forever ago.  I got back January 15th or so, and now it’s April 6th and I’m just now writing about it.

I didn’t keep a journal while I was there which is the one major reason why I didn’t write about it.

So anyway…..my trip to Thailand…..what’s there to say really?  It was awesome, a backpackers dreamland, and now I’m back home laying in my own bed safe and sound like it never happened.

The truth is, I still don’t feel much like writing about it.  So in lieu of writing, I’m going to post all the video’s I made while I was over there regardless of how drunk and ridiculous I sounded.

Here’s Day 1:  My arrival

I was EXHAUSTED, unwashed, a complete mess upon my arrival.  I felt like talking to someone so I rambled on like a fool.

Day 2:  The day before Brianna arrived.

I was left to my own devices and wanted to test my navigational skills by making my way around Bangkok all by my lonesome.

Day ?:

As soon as my travel buddy arrived, I no longer made video’s everyday because it’s embarrassing to do it in front of people.  But here’s a video I made when I was extremely drunk and ranting about a girl who was giving me a hard time for being American.

I remember this night and it was not half as bad as I made it out to be.  It was fun in fact and I wasn’t even all that upset.  I even made friends with the girl by the end of the night because I’m pretty damn charming when I want to be.  Brianna was more upset than I was.

Day ?:  Going to Cambodia

Me and Brianna were on our way to a meditation retreat in far off lands away from the tourists and temples and found ourselves lost in a small town having no idea how to get to the meditation retreat.  She showed me the directions the monk gave her and they were nearly indecipherable as to how we should get there.  So we winged it in hopes we’d get lucky.  But we found no luck and we both decided to go to Cambodia instead.

Last leg of my trip:  Stuck in China

Here I messed up on my plane ticket home.  I didn’t realize I booked myself a flight home that had over a 24 hour layover.

The China airport were saints at handling this by giving me a free hotel room with the shuttle included.  I can’t stress this enough – they were saints!  And this is how I met my new best friend from Alaska, Amanda.

She messed up on her flight too.  We spent most of the night together, and then the next day too.  We walked around the industrial town we were stuck in before shuttling off to the airport together.  At the airport we chatted the entire time.  It wasn’t just us though, there were others in our group who also messed up their flights.  We all ate together and been bored together.

It was the perfect ending to a perfect trip.  It was perfect because it showed me that I’m NEVER alone.  Not only am I never alone, but I meet best-friend quality people wherever I go.  Everywhere Brianna and I went, we met people to hang with.  And even me, by myself, I met people too.

Everything about it was a beautiful experience from head to toe.

For my next trip, I HAVE to take more video’s.  I have to.  Or I at least have to keep a travel journal on the days I don’t make a video.

It’s just that I have this immense desire to document everything.

This desire dates back from before I was able to write.  Before I started kindergarten, I found the cutest little journal with a lock and key and before I could spell my own name, I opened it up and started scribbling.  I accidentally wrote my first word – my brother pointed it out to my parents and was flummoxed by it.

That was my first journal and I wish I wish I still had it.  You never forget your first.

I can’t hold off writing about my trips.  There’s so much I missed it’s ridiculous.

Getting high and swimming in the Mekong, having sex with a hot German on New Years (who still emails me), riding on a horribly bumpy bus for 14 hours while having travelers diarrhea (It’s the kind that you can’t hold in and it comes out of you like pee) – that could’ve been my most interesting post.  Eating scorpions, riding elephants, bamboo rafting, camping outside by myself in the freezing cold and having to stoke the fire every few minutes just to keep warm……lol yes, good times.

Here’s an over-all video compilation of everything.  My iPhone at the time was only 16 bits and almost two years old so again, I had very limited video and photo space.  Having limited video capacity and no wifi was ultimately the reason why I didn’t take many video’s – I literally couldn’t.

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And the saga continues….

Om num sha body Om num sha body Om num sha body……

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You know that feeling just before your heart gets ripped from your chest?  When a big sweaty Indian man with crazed eyes sticks his hand in your chest (without sterilizing it first) and pulls out your still beating heart so it can burst into flames before your very eyes?

You know that feeling?

Well, I’m feeling it now.  Right at this very moment.  My eyes are wide with fright.

I just hired not one esthetician, but two.  TWO!!!  To do micro-current facials.  I interviewed both of them today, one right after the other and I liked them both.

Shit shit shit.

I must pray.  Do you have any idea how expensive employee’s are?  They’re freaking expensive, that’s how much they are.  Did you know a butt-load is an actual number?  I’m serious.  Butt is a unit of load.  Look it up.

But these girls do it all….Waxing, scrubs, LED light therapy, body wraps – both being experts in the field and placed in top managerial positions at their previous jobs.  I can easily see manager written all of them.

Thank the lord but OM NUM SHA BODY is my chant for this evening.  Every time my mind wonders to something different, but then remembers – I’ll be chanting OM NUM SHA BODY all day today, and possibly into next month and the month after that.

I’m laying in bed.  I just got home a little while ago.  Should I sleep?  I’m already lying here and in my pajama’s…..

OM NUM SHA BODY

Shit shit shit please oh please god.

I hope it works.  I shall part the heavens with my prayer.  I bought a Jesus bobble head for my car the other day and my mother blessed it with holy water.  I’m going to sleep with it tonight.

I’m not religious in the least but when a person is dying, that’s when they pray.  And since I’m having my heart ripped from my chest cavity and all…..

Why don’t they have stuffed Jesus dolls?  Or Jesus action figures like GI Joe, only have it be GI Jesus?  With his 12 disciples, lamb and myrrh accessories.  The Jesus doll can cry holy water and excrete concentrated evil out his bum.  Jesus Pocket instead of Polly Pocket.  Jesus in a barrel instead of monkeys in a barrel.

Okay, so here’s my plan:

1)  Get these girls on the schedule

2)  Announce micro-current facials to my 2,000 clients

3)  Sell 40 more memberships

4)  Rent the two empty rooms upstairs

5)  Hire more massage therapists

6)  Take myself off the schedule so I only work one day a week (maybe two).

And by the summer I’ll be cruising across the country on my motorcycle.

The question is, can this be done?  Can I seriously do this?  By the summer?  Without losing EVERYTHING in the process?!

I written down a few awesome philosophical debates for me and my rational brain to discuss, but I don’t have the capacity for it now.

Rational brain – “……….”

Yes that’s right.  Stay silent.

I wonder if there’s anything to eat upstairs…

temple

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Business Blurb Before Bed

Hello blog

my midnight snack

my devilish retina burning time sap

It’s nearing midnight and I want to write.  About what?  I don’t know.  But something always comes and I end up with red scratchy eyes in the morning.

I did nothing for three days straight.  It was a well received vacation.  I normally have at least two clients a day that request me, which means that I had to tell over 60 people how my trip to Thailand was.

“Good.  It was good.”

“Good.  It was good.”

Repeat that 60 times over while giving a massage each time.  And that about wraps up what I’ve been up to since getting back.

As absurd as it sounds (since I write a blog and all), I don’t like talking about myself.  More like, I don’t like mechanically answering questions when my hearts not into it.  Everything has to happen organically.  And for the most part, I’m organically inclined to not talk about myself or my crazy family unless I can connect it to the moment.  Otherwise, what’s the point in bringing it up?

I just discovered a way for me to lose weight without diet or exercise.  Want to know what it is?  And no, this does not connect to the moment but I’m a hypocrite.

Cashews!

I am head over heals allergic to cashews.  Possibly all tree nuts for that matter.  I just found this out by eating a handful of cashews two days ago only to have massive stomach cramps, nausea, and a trip to the bathroom about an hour after ingesting them.

As an experiment, I did it again yesterday and the same thing happened.  The pain was severe, I almost threw up, but the relief that came after I let loose in the bathroom was incredible.  My stomach actually looks slimmer from the trauma I caused to my intestinal organs these past few days.

They don’t work as well as Thailand though (I’ll save that for my Thailand post).

Last month was a good month business-wise.  I managed to net $1000 after all my unwarranted purchases.  $1000 after paying my personal bills, going out, eBay and Amazon shopping….etc.

It feels good, but I still don’t have that “settled” feeling, you know?  It’s like I need to eat more cashews.

What I mean by eating more cashews is that I have to start eating into my debt.  It’s just as painful as eating cashews, but just as satisfying when it’s over and done with.  I feel lighter.

I finally finished my taxes during my three day hiatus.  I somehow made over $100,000 this year.  Where the hell did it go?  I calculated everything as accurately as I could on Turbo Tax and it said I made a net income of negative $10,000 or something.

When you’re negative, state law prohibits you from filing online and you have to do it old-school, by mail.  So I actually LIED on my tax return stating that I made more money than I actually did – just so I could e-file.

It’s not that I’m lazy……

So, according to my 2014 tax return, I made $2,000.  Unless there’s a loophole for buying a house, I don’t foresee it happening anytime soon.  And since I made over $100,000, I’m now targeted for audits which I’ll find hilarious if they do audit me only to find that I held back deductions.  Truthfully, they owe me money (something to do with rollbacks or roll forwards) but I’m not a tax savvy expert with elbow patches sewn into her blazer and know’s how to file old-school.

My incompetence costs $1000, the money I paid last year when I filed.  But what’s $1000 when you have $100,000?  Haha I’m an idiot.

Completely unconnected, I hired a big black man to work Sundays which made me proud of myself for not being a racist but I stopped by last night to put down a new carpet and checked the cash drawer only to find it skimpier than usual.  And where was the first place my mind went?  Can you guess?

So yeah, maybe I am a racist.  But I swear I can’t help it.  It’s like an autoimmune knee-jerk response.

No Mel, no.  Stop.  I have to consciously tell myself that.  But at the same time, I don’t want to white-wash over everything.  Lol, white-wash….White washing cracka is what I am.

So with my new sturdy man under my wing, Saturday is my only “full” day of work.  By “full” day I mean at least four clients.  It has taken me almost a year to get here and lord knows I’m tired.

I’m tired, but not settled.  There’s still work to do.  Pay down my debt and add micro-current facials to the menu.  If I had no debt, I’d be $2000 richer every month.

I better get some sleep.  I have two clients tomorrow.

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Chirashi Sushi

“I’m majorly craving sushi today.  I’m famished!”

Rational Brain – “See if anyone wants Sushi House after work.”

“Yes!  Sushi House!  All you can eat you cannot beat!”

Rational Brain – “You can even offer to pay for everyone.  You had a really good month and should spread the joy.”

“Absolutely!”

I pick up my phone and ready myself to text.

Rational Brain – “But since you have the means to pay for someone else’s dinner, why don’t you just buy yourself two dinners and get take-out?  That way you can play your video game.”

“That sounds…..WONDERFUL!”

And that’s how I ordered and ate two chirashi sushi dinners.  Two soups & two salads also.  Why did I order two of the same meal you ask?  My email, chirashigirl at yahoo, is no accident.

I started wondering if maybe I might have a problem.  Not an eating problem, I still manage to stay trim somehow.  But a different kind of problem.

The best way to figure out if you have a problem is to see yourself from an outsiders perspective.  The outsiders perspective I chose was that of a parent – a mother.  “How would I feel if I had a daughter just like me?”

I went on an imaginary online forum for mothers complaining about their kids and wrote this:

Mom – “My daughter, Melanie, might have a problem.  She’s 35 years old, still lives with us, and she spends most of her time playing video games.  She has free time now that her business is doing so well, and she can spend days at a time in her pajama’s never leaving the house.  I’m worried about her isolation.”

Commenter – “Does she have any goals or hobbies?”

Mom – “She has too many goals if you ask me.  But once she sets her mind on something, she always follows through.  Right now she’s working on building up her client base so she can go cross-country on a motorcycle, take me and her father to Italy, and eventually buy a house.”

Commenter – “Does she seem like she’s happy playing video games and being in her pajama’s all day?”

Mom – “I’ve never seen her this happy.  That’s why I’m worried.  Is it normal?  She has no interest in getting married, having kids or even dating.”

Commenter – “Does she have friends?”

Mom – “I think so.  She wanted to go out to eat the other day with a friend but she got take-out instead.  Her reasoning was that she can get two dinners for herself instead of offering to pay for her friends meal.  And she gets to stay home in her pajama’s and play video games.”

Commenter – “So you’re telling me that your daughter is completely happy and content, has viable goals that she’s achieving, likes to travel, is self-sufficient, get’s to do NOTHING all day if she wants, and you’re worried why?”

Mom – “Um, okay never mind then.”

My only problem is that I’m selfish.  I wanted to address this issue by volunteering at a shelter or food place.  So I went on the website, Meals on Wheels, and discovered that one of the requirements to volunteer is that you have to be 55 or older.

I gave up and closed the lid of my laptop.

After writing my last post about casting the Patronus spell to get rid of dementors, I broke through into a bi-polar high.

If you can’t tell, I’m a little high on myself right now.  It’s subtle, but I assure you, it’s there.

It’s all about asking the right questions and to avoid at all costs, seeing no hope in any situation.

Whatever solution you may find yourself with will need one of two things:  Courage or faith.

If you have faith in a plan that can’t lose, you don’t need courage.  But if your faith is faulty, that’s when you’ll need courage.

And if you need courage, that often foretells that you’ll just have to plan more.  But this is where our evolutionary process occurs – by taking action using courage alone.  This is where we find choice – you find your power.

Rational Brain – “Why in the hell did you start writing a post like this at 1:30 in the morning?  You knew it was going to be a transfixed philosophical ramble that gives you insomnia!”

I had no idea I swear!  I was just going to write about my chirashi dinner episode because I thought it was funny.  Look, I even named this post after it!

Rational Brain – “Yeah right.  Anyway, take me through your thought process on this.  How does courage give you choice?”

You’ll have to use your emotional side of the brain for this because words can’t grasp what I’m about to say.  You’ll have to take a minute to feel it.

Rational Brain – “Ooooh-kay….how can I feel what you’re saying?”

Have you ever been so angry that you snapped?  A choice was made to hurt the person offending you.  You snapped and wanted that other person to feel the pain they caused you.  Have you ever felt that?

Rational Brain – “You know I have.  At least 3 or 4 times in my life.”

It’s like that, only non-violent.  When you make a choice that your heart is fused with, it’s undeniable action – you have to do something to avoid yourself further pain.  You start seeing your choice.  It’s like lifting the veil.  You feel your power, your own potential.  You take action without a plan because courage was thrust upon you.

Another way to help you emotionally connect with my words is that old saying “there is no try, only do.”  That saying always struck home for me personally.

Choice, in essence, IS action.  Taking action is the same as making a choice.  They are the same thing.  They happen simultaneously.  You can’t ask me to explain it, it’s one of those old truths that feels ruthlessly correct without explanation or rationalization.  It’s the same kind of truth ayahuasca taught me.

But this is where things get weird…..

Once the action has started, once it has moved, things start happening without your influence.  I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

My latest choice was to move out of my parents house as soon as humanly possible.  I was going to wait until I paid off my debt and saved a little for a down payment on a house, but I HAD to get out.  I was at the breaking point I mentioned earlier.

It’s all to do with my crazy aunt and OCD cousin who live with us.

There was a tremendous blow-out at my house a few days ago because my cousin was running the water…..again.  Our bathroom sink downstairs (where my boisterous temperamental brother and his girlfriend reside) clogged and as OCD cousin ran the water in the upstairs bathroom, it rose quickly up the drain and splashed onto the floor in our bathroom below him.

My brother was telling OCD cousin to stop running the water, but he wouldn’t stop.  If you knew my brother, this situation got ugly fast.  That’s to say the absolute least.  My bro was at his limit.

Basically without getting into too much detail, my aunt screamed that she was calling the cops – several times she screamed it but never called for fear it would be her son taken away.

OCD cousin…..OMG….OCD cousin, I’ve never heard a grown man squeal like that – literally squeal in a such an ear piercing manner like a child.  It sounded – no joke – like he had murderous rage.  I’ve never heard murderous rage from anybody before, but that was it.  Definitely it.

The only time I came out of my bedroom was to assess the damage done to our bathroom and help my dad and my brothers girlfriend clean it up.  I came out one other time to calm down my brothers girlfriend who was getting an onslaught of insults thrown at her from my crazy aunt.

Me – “Don’t respond to her.  You can’t reason with crazy and it’ll only make you crazy for trying.”

She was shaking with anger.

Me and my brother, and possibly my dad, know that OCD cousin is capable of evil things.  I say this as honestly as I can – the dude would kill us.  All of us.  Most likely in our sleep.

And we actually KNOW this!  For real for real!

My brother – “You better lock your door tonight.”

My brother and his girlfriend braved the snow storm and moved out that night.  That’s when I realized I needed to get out of dodge too.  My heart was set and I started looking at apartments.

Anyway, long story long, my crazy aunt and OCD cousin left here and my brother is back living with us again.

Crazy aunt and OCD cousin are staying with my Aunt Rosemary for the time being.  I don’t know how that happened, only that they are gone.

I’ve never been happier.  I mean, I’m falling off my rocker with joy!  Not only by them leaving, but my business had a REALLY good month.  I have four days left of February so I’ll write a post March 1st on how it did.

You must think I’m horrible for turning family away, so I’ll tell you two of my cousins latest freak-outs:  He made my 70 year old mother leave the house at night in the bitter cold to buy him lemonade, and he shit his pants and got his shitty pants all over the bathroom floor.  He didn’t even clean it up.

And that’s just TWO of his latest antics, before causing a landslide in our bathroom downstairs and squealing murderous rage at my brother.  Not to mention he can fill a swimming pool in one weekend with how much water he wastes.

Anyway, I stopped writing about them because I couldn’t find a solution to my problem (being them).  I don’t complain when there’s no solution.  And the reason why NONE of us should complain when there is no solution is because it’s your own damn fault.  It was my fault for living here.  But alas, the energy has moved, a choice made, and things started happening in my favor without my influence – without doing anything really, just deciding.

Them leaving is a better option than me having to move out.  I pay $1,000 a month towards my debt, it would never get paid if I moved out now.

Ayahuasca told me that there is always a choice.

Me – “How do I get to choose?”

Ayahuasca – “With faith.”

Me – “How do I get faith?”

Ayahuasca – “With courage.”

Me – “But how do I find the courage?”

Ayahuasca – “Through suffering.”

I’m sensitive to the extreme, I can be weak, easily hurt.  I don’t know how or why, but it’s my fragile nature and my weakness that makes me strong.  It’s like, I have something to live for, you know?  It’s hard to explain.  If I didn’t feel what I feel, I wouldn’t do what I do.

I still want to write about how asking questions is tied in with awareness, but it’s too late for that.

Rational Brain – “Another night perhaps.”

Yes, another night.

I still need to write about Thailand…

 

 

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Filed under journal, My OCD cousin who wants to kill me, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

How to get out of a dump funk

Whenever I ask myself a question, it’s as though no other thoughts infiltrate my head other than the probable answers.  My focal point is set and all else falls away.

Rational Brain – “And what question is on your mind tonight might I ask?”

No questions.  I’m just mulling this fact over in my head.  I mean, one question and nothing else seems to matter except for that one question.

I had a bipolar day today.  I can’t remember my last bipolar episode before today.  I’d forgotten what they feel like.

It feels like someone sits on my chest making it impossible for me to breathe.  I feel listless, without happiness.  Like a Harry Potter dementor came to pay me a visit.  It’s quite literally a physical sensation.  Only one who experienced deep sadness can tell you about it.  Your heart physically aches.  How was I able to forget that?

All because of my impending birthday coming up on stupid Valentines day.  I remembered it’s this coming Saturday.  Last night I remembered and last night was when it started – the polar shift in my icecaps.  I woke up today with a big fatty of a dementor hanging over my head, washing away all the nice dreams I had.

Then I started worrying about my business and how I’ll never make any money with it.  All my thoughts were void of question.  My thoughts were inarguable statements without choice.

That’s what dementors do.  They rob you of your questions.  Without questions, you lose your focal point, your purpose.  And something else takes the reins – fear.

It’s so odd coming to this realization.  It’s particularly odd for me since I don’t like to complain about anything until I find a solution first.  First a solution, than I can complain all I want about the thing that once made my life hell.  I complain with a light heart – one that I’m fully in control of.  But I slip up at times and unwittingly complain in my internal grumblings.

My friend told me the other day that I’m the most emotionally stable person she knows.

It baffles me because if I’m so emotionally stable, then why am I still up at 5:30 in the morning unable to sleep?  Writing about dementors and how I feel like I have a man sitting on my chest?

If I’m considered stable, I don’t want to know what other people think about.  It’s also kind of funny how nobody really know’s anyone.

I’m up because I’m excited about my new discovery that asking the right question is like casting the most powerful patronus charm against all dementors.  I had to look up patronus charm and Google miraculously knew my question before it was asked.

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 5.19.17 AM

That’s crazy.

Here’s a question for you…..are we more apt to be sad in these futuristic times when answers are given to us before we can type them into a search engine?  Since answers are ample on the net, forums and blogs abound, are we less inclined to seek out a more personal take on things?

In other words, do we stop asking questions because the answers are already there for us?  We only have to open a book, or more conveniently, a laptop.

We are taught from baby-hood to listen to those who know better – and those people who know better just so happen to be anyone that’s older than us.  We’re inclined to listen more than we’re inclined to think.  It’s what we’re taught.  Lucky for me, thanks to my mother, I learned how to NOT listen to adults.

My mom is crazy and I knew from an insanely young age that I had a better gauge on reality than she did.  I owe everything to my mother, but that’s a different story.

What was I saying?  Ah yes.  According to my new insight, if we stop asking questions, the dementors will come find us.  We lose our power and source of awareness.  Awareness is found by asking questions.

Rational Brain – “That sounds insightful, can you spread your words on that?”

Okay but I won’t get too deep into it.  I’m tired.

Shit no, I can’t explain it without getting deep into it.  It’ll have to wait.  Damn the thoughts are flowing.  Damn you rational brain.

It’ll wait.  Another night.

Anywho, in other news….

I’m looking to hire another therapist to work weekends.  I can’t hack it anymore.

Another reason for my malcontent earlier today was because I had to work.  It’s Wednesday, so I only had to massage clients who requested me, but even still – it brought me down.  The moment I was done massaging them, I brightened up and the shroud lifted.

So, my impending birthday wasn’t the only weight on my chest – it was the weight of work that sent me over.

When I worked at Massage Envy, I hated it don’t get me wrong, but I buckled down and did it because I didn’t think I had a choice.  But now that I’ve grown so much and am able to finally see that I do have a choice, the dread becomes more vehement in a way.  More angry, more rebellious.  Like a teenager with a curfew who just got her drivers license.

“I don’t have to do this anymore.” Is your new focal point.  And the fact that you’re still doing it, only entices your wrath against it.  And when left without asking questions that mindfully set your focal point, can lead you to a polar shift of malcontent.

Don’t ask “Why am I still doing this?”  ask instead, “How can I stop doing this?”

Holy crap I just deleted a whole bunch of shit I just wrote.  It was work rambles.

The endings to my posts often suck the shit out of everything preceding it.

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help