Category Archives: journal

What Went Wrong (bad business practices)

When I was in high school, I thought about suicide a lot.  Not me personally committing it, but thinking about other people who wanted to do it.

Me thinking – “How awesome would that be?  To have absolutely no fear of death.  I would be able to do or try ANYTHING without any fear of the consequences.”

My reasoning was that if you’re not afraid to die, that means you have nothing to lose.  You’re at rock bottom.  Complete and utter freedom.

But then depression hit me much later on in life and I found out the truth about suicide.  It’s not about not fearing death, it’s about fearing life.

When you’re suicidal, you don’t care about anything or anyone but yourself, it’s selfish.

And it’s debilitating, like having a physical illness that keeps you in bed all day, keeps you from going out and doing things, learning things.  It’s the opposite of bravery, opposite what I thought it meant in high school.

I had a suicidal friend in high school.  She was a closet lesbian, in love with a girl in her class.  I couldn’t for the life of me understand why she was miserable and wanted to off herself.

Me – “You have no fear of dying.  Don’t you understand how freeing that is?  You can do anything with your life, not fear the consequences, go anywhere, do anything.  Why waste it on killing yourself?  You have no fear now, so why waste it?  Aren’t you curious to see what happens?  You’re already at rock bottom so anything that happens to you would be better than where you are now.”

Her – “Have you been planning this speech?”

No, I have not been planning this speech, but I’ve thought about it a lot.  And whatever I said to her made her think twice.  She had no argument and actually started to feel hopeful.

I’m thinking about this now, not because I’m suicidal, but because it reminds me of what I’m going through with my business.

It’s like I keep fighting for selfish reasons and the more I fight, the more scared, anxious and depressed I become.  Suicide is all about being scared, not brave.  It’s not about being curious about where your journey takes you, it’s about being in control of when it ends.  The ending is all you’re able to control and you want the tourture to stop.

I’m on a journey, that’s all.  Curiosity is the key in this battle, not fear.

I was talking to an old friend with whom I worked with at the Aquaturf (a banquet facility).

Her – “I hated that job.  I hated going outside to see how beautiful it was and I was stuck there working missing the day.”

Me – “I loved working there.  I loved going outside to see how beautiful it was and I was appreciative that I was there working with people I loved, all in the same boat.”

I felt her mind shift and she said – “Yeah, I need to be more appreciative.”

I felt her entire perspective change in an instant.  Just like it did with the suicidal girl in high school.

I have to remember who I am.  I’m someone who appreciates and loves life and can easily love everyone around me.  I’ve always been thankful, always thankful, always loved.  I got freaking employee of the year at the Aquaturf my first year there (out of hundreds!).  That shows you a bit of just how loved I was, and how much I loved the place.

Owning a business takes all that appreciation and thankfulness away and replaces it with anxiety and fear of losing it all, but my advice to the suicidal girl makes me think twice;  Aren’t I curious to see what happens next?”

It’s like saying “fuck this shit” and going off to actually do something about your problems.

Since August, I’ve been doing everything I can to save my business.  I started washing sheets, changed employee’s to independent contractors, cut hours, I’m in the process of downsizing to a cheaper place that just so happens to be an improvement to where I am now.  And I’m not selling online deals anymore.  Fuck this shit, you know?  Shit’s gotta change.

And here I am on the brink of the precipice.  Waiting for the zoning permit to go through, waiting until next month when the last of the online deals have expired.

I’m waiting for the last of my keys, my two last chances, to open new doors;  No more online deals and a better, more visible location.

I just slept for 12 hours.  It’s Saturday and I have no clients.  But my employee’s have 10 altogether, 3 of which are online deals.  I have to pull $60 out of my ass to pay the therapists who massaged them.

Four of the clients today are members – that money is already gone too, but one of them is paying extra for a bonus birthday massage and another is adding a $25 upgrade for a 90-minute massage.  Two clients are random new clients and the last of the ten scheduled today bought a package of 3 massages at my old business, Massage by Melanie, and that money is definitely gone.

According to the schedule, I’ll make about $190 today.  Plus I need to charge John’s card, a member client whom I massaged yesterday for his birthday massage so that brings me up to $245.

If not for the online deals, my employee’s would be massaging more birthday people and random new clients.  I won’t be negative $60, but plus $120.  And when we move to the better location, we’ll be massaging more new people due to better signage.

I strongly believe that my actions as of late has changed the fate of my business.

Where I went wrong:

  • I let my broken armed therapist sit and answer phones.
  • I hired Anthony to replace her.
  • Sold more online deals to cover the cost of my broken armed therapist now turned receptionist.
  • Had to hire another therapist to help with all the new online deal clients.
  • Hired an esthetician and added facials thinking it would bring in more members.
  • Rented the two empty rooms upstairs because I needed an extra room for facials.

One bad decision, turning my broken armed therapist into a receptionist, snowballed into making more bad decisions.  These decisions cost me thousands upon thousands of dollars.

The upside is, I know exactly what happened.  I know exactly what went wrong.

The first three bullet points are taken care of, now it’s just the last 3 to contend with.  The forth bullet point won’t be cause for concern once the online deals are done with.

Once I move, I won’t be renting the two extra rooms anymore which leaves me with my last problem, my esthetician.

One remedy I thought up is to buy an inferred sauna.  Clients who spend money to use it, will cover the cost of my esthetician to be there.

Right now my esthetician is giving facials to mostly online deal people and once those deals have expired, she’d be lucky to get 3 clients a week.  Facials are not as popular as massage – something I wish I knew before hiring her.

I’m paying her over $800 a month to do facials on people who already bought their facial and who’s money is already gone.  Over $800 a month I have to pull out of my ass, until that is, after next month when the deals expire.  That leaves me with my only idea, the inferred sauna idea.  And to have her preform mini eye-lifts to clients after their massage.

I can’t have her do mini eye-lifts now because I’d hate to have her come in only for a 10-minute session – the cost is too great and I’d lose money.  But with the sauna, it’s more likely I’d get a return on investment.  Plus she can answer phones.

Ugh, owning a business…..shit sucks.  Well, right now it sucks.

You want to see what happens when you ignore problems?


Calcified plaque, hard as rock.  A lifetime of not brushing your teeth.

I have to remember who I am.  I’m actually quite obsessed with oral hygiene.  I’m NOT this person.

And I’ll never give up on anything.


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November 16

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Getting an oil change

I can’t think straight anymore.  Everything is smeared into one big electric blob of activity that keeps zapping me awake whenever I nod off.

I have a bazillion things to do today, but I’m stuck in Hartford finally getting my oil change.  I wrote a blog post last time I was here, let me try to find it…..Here it is:

Damn I was on a roll that day.  I wrote that in like, an hour.

But while I’m sitting here today, over a year later, I’m answering client emails, texting my employee’s and checking the work schedule – I don’t have time for those kinds of posts anymore.  I don’t have that brain anymore.  When too much is going on, all I want to do is sleep.  Everything goes away when I sleep.  Morphine…give me morphine.

I might be getting sued.  The thing that happened with my business might end up taking a bigger bite of my ass than it already has.

I have to find a lawyer, meet with my insurance agent (an old friend from high school), wash sheets, mail letters, go to the town hall to drop off property tax documents, my friend keeps texting and calling to hang out for the past few months.

I feel like all my close friends are close because of convenience – because they live close by and are accessible.  The further away they live, the less close we are.  Why drive 20 minutes when I can walk to my neighbors?

I’ve been listening to the Bhagavad Gita and it’s telling me to not want anything.  Do your job and don’t do it because you want to be rewarded;  this includes the reward of relaxation.  Doing something because you’ll get to relax after, is considered a reward and that’s no way to live.  It’s not the way to purify the ego.

They say that a lot, “purify the ego.”

And in the bible, psalm 23:  “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” and “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:

Life is the shadow of death.  We’re stuck living inside Plato’s cave allegory.  Trying to manipulate those shadows on the wall only leads to more darkness.

For the past few years, everything I accomplished was based on the idea that I can relax after.  Hiring employee’s was based on that idea!  “I’ll get to relax and do nothing, yay!”

I read my tarot cards last night and it specifically said that my true goal is to live like a hermit so I can reflect and grow wiser.


See the Hermit card?  Second one down on right.  That’s my true goal.  I got the Magician card for my future outcome which is a pretty decent card.

I’m done washing sheets, I talked to my insurance agent and got numbers to a few lawyers, and I’m done with my oil change.  The laundromat locked their back door so I couldn’t go out to do my video.  It’s probably for the best anyway.

Before I contact any defense lawyers, I need to make sure my insurance covers their cost.  My business insurance doesn’t, but my AMTA insurance might.  I’m waiting for them to send me a PDF of my policy.

I had a dream the other night that I was in Alaska boating down a touristy river.  But my boat was too large to navigate around the boulders.  I reached a huge boulder that completely blocked my way, but a man and his son helped me lift the boat to get it over the rocks.

The water was so blue and the landscape was beautiful, and I remember thinking that it was my second time in Alaska and that just a few months prior, I was in Peru which is bizarre since I’m planning to go to Peru next year with a woman I met from New Haven.  That is, if nobody sues the pants off me first.

Not wanting anything and believing that no matter what, I’ll be okay, is really comforting.  For the past 2 days I’ve been practicing this.  The Bhagavad Gita says it takes practice and conscious effort to not desire anything.  They call this practice “yoga”, which is what they refer to as meditation.  It’s crazy since Ayahuasca kept telling me to do yoga if I wanted to get smarter.

Everyday there’s a new maelstrom of shit that splatters me.  Everyday there’s something I gotta fix or deal with.

Me thinking – “If I fix this once, it’ll be done with and I won’t have to worry about it ever again.  I can relax after this.”

And the next day I’m faced with a new challenge, a new shit storm.  I’ve been cruising down this brown streak for months now.

So after hearing the Gita’s advice; working without desiring a reward (including that of relaxation), I’ve decided to wake up each day expecting new challenges and problems.  I resigned to my fate of ongoing obstacles.

I don’t know when I’ll post again.  Since the back door is now locked at the laundromat and I don’t foresee any time to write, it’ll be a while.

I feel like my world is fading to black with this lawsuit looming.  I didn’t need to tell my insurance agent why I wanted more coverage, she already knew.  Everyone knows.

Just for the record, I didn’t do anything wrong and what happened here wasn’t my fault.  The detective know’s it’s not my fault, my clients know it wasn’t, mostly everyone know’s that it was me having shit luck.

Nobody wants to mention it or bring it up because they feel it’s a sore subject.  Like someone close to me died.

It’s tomorrow, weird I didn’t post this already.

My mom, whenever she heats dishes in the microwave, always covers her food with a plastic vented lid that once belonged to her mother.

The plastic vented lid is old, super old, and mom examined it yesterday wondering if maybe it was time she retired it.  But she couldn’t do it.  She couldn’t throw it away.

Mom – “It belonged to my mother.  I can’t throw it out.  Mom?  What should I do?”

As soon as she asked that question, the plastic lid slid out of her fingers and cracked itself in two on the floor.  Which to me, is an impossible feat.  If you seen how durable this lid was, you’d agree.

My Mother, if she wasn’t a believer before, is one now.  She said she nearly peed herself.

Mom – “It was like Nana was telling me to let it go.”

Anyway, I woke up today expecting the usual disasters to strike, but there were none.  I actually slept until my body naturally woke itself up this morning – nothing in the world feels more refreshing than a natural wake-up.

I stopped stressing about getting sued.  If it happens, it happens.  There won’t be any stopping it.  But the Gita says to always do my best, never give up and always do what’s right no matter what the outcome may be.

I’m going to dedicate a post to the Bhagavad Gita once I’m done reading it.  I bought the hard copy since I fall asleep when listening to the audio.

I also found the meditation book that spurred my two seconds of emptiness.  It’s a short book with 90 pages, but I only read up to page 27.  It came with a CD but I never listened to it.  It’s called Adyashanti True Meditation and it’s written by some white guy.  Him being white kinda turned me off, but the book is really good.  I mean, I only read 27 pages and experienced emptiness using his method – that’s pretty impressive if you ask me.

And now, I must get back to my original task at hand…..binge watching Scream Queens on Hulu.

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I got bored so I wrote something. Here it is.


I’ll be washing sheets for at least 2 more months, if not 3.  My new landlord has to apply for a permit before my business can move in and the town hall can’t get to it until December.

I must wait.  Not only must I wait, but I should probably go to a town hall meeting to see how strict this jury is.  I mean, I’m applying for a massage business to be placed across the street from two churches, in the town’s historic district no less.  We’ll be visible and known to EVERYONE.  And lets face it, the place that I’m running now brought shame and perversion to my town.  Leave it to me, you know?

But they don’t know that….At least, they don’t know it was me.

I’ll literally be in the thick of exposure.  Almost the entire town will drive by my exorbitant signage on a daily basis.

In the meantime, I’ve been sending prayers to my past self.  My younger self that is having anxiety and panic attacks.  I’m telling her to hang in there, everything will be okay.

I didn’t much appreciate this advice when I first intuited it, but I can’t give myself any premonitions or hints because I might stray off my path.  I need to feel the fear, you know?  Otherwise nothing would change and I’ll be left with nothing.

The horrible thing that happened at my business may actually be a catalyst for my ultimate goal of running a turn-key spa.  One where I can leave it for months at a time without a hitch.

I’m thinking about joining an eco-village, or a commune for a few months.  So I can get away and write my book.  Maybe learn how to farm.

I hate being a dreamer.  Even if my dreams really do come true, I’ll still want more.  More blogging, more travel, more video’s, more people, all because I don’t want to grow old and pointless in the end.  There’s got to be more, you know what I mean?  I don’t want to miss anything important.  Anything that can bring lasting happiness.

I don’t want to miss out on living through some awesome stories.

What I don’t understand is, how can people have kids if they aren’t already complete with themselves?  It’s like if I have a child now, while I’m incomplete, I’ll only pass on and infect my offspring with my incompleteness.

I had a dream the other day that I was loved.  I forgot what it felt like.  I’m not talking about being desired, or lusted after, no, I’m talking about being sincerely loved by someone with no ulterior motives.  The lusting is a mere byproduct, an afterglow.  A wonderful afterglow at that.

I know that’s something I’m missing, and it’s incredibly important, but I’m not complete yet and I’ll only infect others with my incompleteness.

I need my business to be strong so it sustains me.  I need to be self-sufficient.  That is my only goal – to be self sufficient without selling my soul to the highest bidder.  Basically, I’m earning my freedom, not my retirement.  Life’s too short to work only for retirement.

I’m just too damn busy for romance.

I never want anything that I can’t have.  I know that goes against everything we’ve heard, but it’s true.  I’m wearing the same sneakers from five years ago because I can’t buy new ones and because I can’t buy new ones, I don’t want a new pair.  I have no desire.  But I think this is true for a lot of people.

Needs are different from Wants.  I don’t need new sneakers, so I don’t want them.  I’ve always been like this.

Because we know the minute we start wanting something is the same minute we start feeling unhappy and unappreciative.

At this time, even at the ripe ol’ age of 35, I still don’t want a relationship.  Why?  Because I don’t need one.

Why am I thinking about this?  Because I fantasized about my future and fulfilling all my hopes and dreams and it still felt incomplete.  Like something was missing.

But I’m not ready yet.  My life isn’t boring and stable enough yet.  I haven’t played enough video games.






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Boring work stuff, skip over it

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The Bhagavad Gita

I met a girl last night who told me she’s an angel sent down from heaven and it made me think, “oh god I hope I don’t sound like her when I talk to people.”

She was telling me how spiritual she is, which is fine and all but man……shit, I hope I don’t sound like that.

Our chance encounter made me denounce all spiritual endeavors, chalking them up to a damaged girl looking for answers.  Thinking I’m special when I’m not.  And besides, what good has it ever done in my life?

Well, I never claimed to be special.  Just specially unfortunate.

Shit happens and that’s that.  I’m done looking for meaning.

Until that is……I found the Bhagavad Gita on Audible and listened to it the same night I denounced my quest to find god.

Three minutes into the book, it was renewed.  I literally listened to it for 3 minutes before falling asleep and in those three minutes, it told of why we’re all here – to find god within us while we’re stuck in these meat sacks.

I wasn’t going to publish this video because it sounded stupid and preachy (like that girl I met the other night), but it’s 3:30 AM and I just woke up to the Bhagavad Gita telling me that evil is a dark gravitational pull that pushes us down.

I just got the shills (shit my pants and got the chills at the same time [actually it was a typo but I like the way it sounds]).

Hinduism is no doubt the closest thing to reality.  I’m going to start a side quest into learning more about it.  These people got it right yo.

That woman who wanted a 60-minute chair massage really was crazy.

I’ve been having to massage a lot lately.  At first I didn’t mind, but today it caught up to me.  I hate massaging people.  I loathe it, never liked it, and can’t fathom why anyone would.

I just ate chocolate and drank a glass of milk.  I’m ready to go back to sleep.



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The Writing Curse


I try to be saintly, I try to be good

I act how most people think that I should.

So what’s with this shit?

Oh God up above

Giving me no breaks,

Showing no love


The dead bitch represents the crap that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I never actually blamed god for any of it, but I’m going to start.  It feels really good to blame him.  It’s empowering.

During my ayahuasca trip, she told me that god was real but not real.  She also stated that I am god.

Schroedinger’s cat just popped in my head.  Why?  Maybe I am the cat (god) who is getting radioactive poisoning, and I am both alive and dead at the same time (real but not real)?

Sorry, that doesn’t make any sense but maybe I’ll come back to it later……

What I learned from ayahuasca is that we are 100% responsible for how we live our lives.  God won’t help or save us.

She also told me that karma whittles down our ego’s until we are left with nothing but perfect belief in god.

So basically, I’m supposed to believe in myself.  Not only that, but to know with absolute certainty that I can succeed at anything.  Not just believe, but know for a fact.  It’s the kind of knowing that know’s no language, know’s no words.  Your thoughts must leave its vessel.

But they don’t leave.  They never leave.  And because they never leave, we’ll always be a dead radioactive cat – unawakened.

Not making sense again?  What-ev’s…

Your brain uses 20% of your daily caloric intake despite it being only 2% of your body’s weight.  It works harder than your heart.  The heart uses one watt of energy while the brain slurps up 12.

Why am I telling you this?

Where the hell does all that energy go when it’s a rule that energy can’t be created or destroyed?

The bulk of it is used to transfer data from one neuron to the next, and the rest is used for clean-up so you won’t have a stroke.

But once the data gets transferred to its designated neuron, what happens to the energy then?  If it can’t be destroyed?  We obviously don’t recycle it because we keep stuffing our faces.

So, WTF man?

I probably wrote about this before, many times I bet, but I’ll say it again – thoughts are non-local smeared data packets that are faster than the speed of light thereby feeding into the oneness, the collective mass-consciousness of the universe.

Prayers work, but what or whom are we praying to?

Oh man I really want to sink in and write about this.  I mean really dig my fat fingers in but it’s already 11:30 Pm.

Plants can detect danger before it happens.  I watched a Netflix documentary about plants and how they respond before having a limb cut off.

That’s irrefutable PROOF!  Evidence of precognition in plants.  Plants don’t have thoughts, but you don’t need thoughts when working with the “emptiness” of nirvana.

At the University of Nevada, researcher Dean Radin has demonstrated that this also occurs in humans moments before seeing a frightful image.

One’s future affects his past.

There was another study done about train wrecks.  Statistics say that trains bound for crash tend to have a large sum of its regular passengers missing that day.  As in, they coincidentally stayed home or chose a different mode of transportation.

Next time you get on a plane or train with hardly any passengers on it, think twice about leaving on it.

The post I wrote the other day, the one where I wanted my future self to send me a prayer, really got me thinking what if?  What if I can?

Many physicists believe that all possibilities occur simultaneously in non-local spacetime.  They’re all  happening in an infinite array of dimensions.  I seen this demonstrated in the documentary What The Bleep.  Also it’s mathematically proven with Schrodingers cat which I learned about from An Elegant Universe by Brain Greene.  I was 19 or 20 when I read it.

I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a LONG time.

What if all those hundreds of people who stayed home instead of boarding a train doomed to crash, stayed home because their future self in a parallel dimension told them to?

Future self – “Oh man I wished I stayed home today.”

Present self – “I think I’ll stay home.”

I never regretted anything in my life before opening up this business and making so many freaking mistakes.  I want a do-over.  But since only my past self in a parallel dimension will trust her instincts better than I did, I can’t have a do-over.  But what I can have is the intention of never making the same mistake twice – or even new mistakes once.

From here on out I’m trusting my gut.  I’m going to start sending prayers to not just my past self, but future self too.  Starting tonight.  Right now.

What info do you have for me future self?

Okay, weird.

She’s still telling me to wait.  Just wait and see.  Don’t give up.  It’ll work itself out.


Sometimes to help me fall asleep, I watch the screen behind my closed eyelids and wait for images appear.

These images make no sense at all.  Sometimes they are a perfect geometric shape, but other times I get images of a door, the carpet of a floor, a pair of scissors – I forgot what else because I usually fall asleep seconds after seeing these images.  Very rarely do I remember what they are.

These images aren’t a dream.  They’re not in color, they’re just outlines but are very textured and palpable like I can reach out and touch them.

Anyway, I’m going to do that tonight.  Look for images.  I’ll look for key items that can help me with my business.

Winning lotto numbers actually.  I’ll be looking for winning numbers if you want to know the truth.  Sent to me by my future self wanting to see if this experiment actually works.  Although, she won’t know if it works or not.  Not unless….oh, forget it.

This is what happens when you mix desperation and spirituality with a person who loves metaphysics and science fiction.

But anyway, ayahuasca told me that I was a martyr but I have the choice to opt out.

I’m opting out.  I’m done with this shit, you hear me god?  Done done done.

HOlY SHiT!  I just remembered my original topic to this post!

I scrolled up and was about to re-read, edit, and publish this shit but then I read my original title for this post, The Writing Curse.

Ugh, okay, I’ll sum up my thought.  It’s getting really late and I need to sleep dammit.

Basically, when you write your life, you tend to go back and re-read your old posts/entries.  Re-living horrific events all over again.  So I came up with a theory that writers who write their life are more prone to misery.

Why is this?  Because of the feedback loop I mentioned earlier.  Your future self affects your past.

In essence, if your future self believes that their past was shitty, than their present self (now) will feel shitty.  However, if their future self looks back and see’s their past as fun, than their present self will have fun.

Certain events and festivities will be more fun and memorable than others simply because your future self looked back on them and reminisced.

For writers, if this theory is true, will have horrible ups and downs for no apparent reason.  Their shitty times will be extraordinarily shitty while their good times will be grandiose.  And what would’ve been a grandiose time will turn shitty for no apparent reason.  Simply because we looked back on it while in a sour mood and analyzed the piss out of it.

The past is never forgotten for writers and we always compare then from now.  We can’t stop re-reading.

Just in case this is true, I’m shifting my perspective on both my past and my present as being triumphing.  I am triumphing.

And I need to write about the good in my life and stop transfixing on the bad.  If I transfix on the bad, my future self will feed into it by remembering how bad it was only to make it worse than it has to be.

I will happily endure a hard life rather than live a life forgettable, but if I can make it a little less miserable, it’s worth a shot.  And okay, a very long shot.

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Letters to Myself

My blog stats dropped drastically after my blogging hiatus last year.  I haven’t done anything to boost them up to where they used to be.

I’m thankful for the decline.  I literally exhaled today when I opened my laptop and looked at my stats.

In the meantime, my other website, my business’s website, has been receiving a steady 90 views per hour.

Why 90 views an hour?  I can not tell you.  I can’t even tell you here on my anonymous blog that gets 25 hits a day.  It’s not even classified as a blog, just letters to myself really.  A way to journal by saving money on notebooks and my hand no longer cramps up.

But since this is technically a public blog, and it’s at least 5 years old now with well over 800 posts, I can’t afford to let it get in the hands of the media.  Not now, not ever.

So, I can’t tell you what’s going on with my business, and I can’t tell you why it’s gone viral, but I can tell you this:  Everything’s going to be okay.

Even if it’s not okay, it’ll still be okay.

Before all this started, I didn’t want to write about my business anymore because it was all depressing shit, and the same shit over and over.  So I started keeping a separate post, just for my eyes only.

The following is an excerpt from my unpublished post.  I started writing it on August 7th 2015:

I’m not going to write anymore she says. I don’t want to write about morose things anymore she says. And what am I doing? The very next day?

I went to bed late last night. I’m still transfixed on the Divergent trilogy and wanted to look up the author to find out who she is.

She’s 23 with 3 worldwide best-selling books under her belt.

I was inspired. So greatly inspired! But then I watched her interview on YouTube and realized just how smart she is. She’s freaking smart and talks like she’s 40. My inspiration waned because it doesn’t count if she’s smart.

I started listening to her third book again, Allegiant, as my bedtime story last night. But I had no idea what she was talking about so I had to listen to her second book, Insurgent, to refresh my memory.

I fell asleep to it and my phone woke me up around 9 AM – no way I was getting out of bed yet – so I rewound the book to chapter one and listened to it again.

I laid my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes.

My dream began.

I was in a small sea-side town, a war broke out and people were scrambling.  Heaps of garbage lay everywhere.  All I wanted to do was clean but as soon as I started, everyone else chimed in and got it done before I even began.

It’s funny because everyone was either hiding or making plans of attack and there I was wanting to clean the place up.

I went outside our base camp and that’s when I became lucid.  I found myself on a Mars-like planet.  The sky was red, the ground, a hard tan colored clay.  I was completely alone but that didn’t matter.  I was struck by the beauty of the landscape. Especially a mountain in the far off distance – it was kaleidoscopic, as though it was painted by hand.

Me – “Wow, this is in my brain!  It’s so beautiful!”

I fell with my back to the ground – not sure how I got there but I didn’t care. I relaxed on my back and continued gazing up at the mountain. But then it started to shift, become blurry, and in it’s haze it made me remember about my business and the trouble I’m in.

I closed my eyes and started rolling. I wasn’t on a hill or anything, but my body acted on it’s own and wanted to roll. So I let it. It was rhythmic and somewhat relaxing until that is, I rolled into a pool of water. I opened my eyes to see the surface getting further and further away.

Me – “You can breathe, remember? This is all just a dream.”

I remained relaxed and limply floated down until the velocity of my decent picked up.  I was getting sucked down fast.  I wanted to test my strength and resurface but the darkness had a tremendous pull on me.

I couldn’t do it.  There was a gravity pulling me down.  Just like ayahuasca said – fear is gravity and will pull you down.  It was exactly that.

But I was lucid, I could breathe, I wasn’t that afraid, so I didn’t understand why. Why couldn’t I fight it?  That’s when I woke up.  But I didn’t want to wake up, not just yet – I had to beat it!  But I was already able to hear the narrator of Insurgent.  It was too late.


When owning a business, each year that passes feels like dog years.  One year equates to seven in my time.  Thailand is a distant memory, I walked the Camino when I was a spritely innocent child.

Last winter was the longest season of my life, and this summers molasses is still sticking to my clock.

I had that dream before all this bad stuff happened.  No matter how brave, no matter how much fear I lacked, I was still brought down.

Why?  What am I missing?

How do I let go without giving up?  How do I let go without having to accept a dreaded ending?

I feel calm, defeated, but calm.  Not depressed.  I’m oddly aloof.  Everyone has been giving me condolences as if someone close to me died.

I’m embarking on the roughest patch yet of my hero’s journey.  I just wish I knew what to do.

And so my dearest Melanie, if you’re still around to read this when all this has passed, does it finally make sense now?  Why all this happened?  If so, can you send me the answers via prayer and transcend space-time?  Please do it now, don’t wait because I know you’ll forget.  Do it with a candle please.

Okay, I’m getting the message to wait.  To just wait and see.

Ugh, even the future Mel is a lazy asshole.  I can’t even send myself a decent prayer message.

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This is some-what repetitive of past epiphany’s, but towards the end it gets better

I had a very weird epiphany when I woke up today, well, before I woke up actually.  I was told by my dream world that whatever is alive, isn’t mine.  It doesn’t belong to me.

My body for instance, is alive and therefore is not mine – it isn’t me.  It’s part of the world, made from the world, consists of the same elemental ratio’s as the moon and the stars.

I understood this on a cellular level.  I understood exactly why and how my body isn’t me/mine.

My eyelids are no more mine than the grass growing on somebody else’s lawn.

This thought was as clear to me as one of my ayahuasca insights – a plain truth that can’t be told in words, only felt.

We are like puppet masters.  We have perfect control over anything and everything alive, but we go about it the wrong way.  We go about it in the way of “ownership” when in fact, we own nothing.  We think what we own we can control, but since we own nothing, we can’t control anything – but we can!

It’s hard to explain, obviously.  I mean, how do you explain the unexplainable?

The more effort you put into your garden, the more fruitful it becomes.  If you don’t tend to it, you’ll get nothing.  It’s a respect thing.

When you stop believing you lord over your manor, body and possessions, you start respecting them more.  You understand that you actually have to care for them, and not the other way around.

Respect is very powerful but we got it all wrong.  We don’t understand the true meaning of respect.

What giveth can taketh away.

Belief is also powerful.

People who worry all the time, like hypochondriac’s and over-protective parents, they may worry over things, but they don’t actually “believe” anything bad will happen.  Nobody does.

If you believe the worst will happen, that’s fear and whatever you fear happening will come true.

People who worry take preventative measures in tending to their garden so the “fear” never reaches them.  They believe as long as they stay diligent in their worrying, they’ll never have to face the belief that something bad will come.

I don’t condone worrying, I’m not saying that.  Only, that worriers often tend to things and take great care.  It’s not the best way to go about living and certainly not the only way.

If you can help something, why worry about it?  If it can’t be helped, why worry?  I think I read that on a Buddha meme.

If you want to “own” a plot of land, what you’re actually committing yourself to doing is taking care of it.  Not owning it, but tending to it.  Like children, like your body, and even your friends, you tend to these things.  Not out of ownership or control, but for a greater good that no one is capable of understanding yet.  I can’t even grasp it even though ayahuasca told me repeatedly why:  To evolve.  And that we can only evolve together.

It’s not about expecting reciprocation for your efforts of involvement – it should never be about expectation or assumption.  Tending a garden is a bad example.

We are walking, talking, bodies of influence.  That’s all that we are.


It’s now a few days later, maybe a week.  I’m not sure why I didn’t publish this post.  It was basically done.

But anyway, I don’t feel good.  I’m exhausted.  Owning a business is a cruel joke.

My up’s and down’s are all over the place.  Just last week I felt the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life – no joke or embellishing – I was on top of the world.  This week however, I’m back at feeling lousy.

I’m going to tell you something that I discovered last week and omg, it works!  It sounds so simple that you’d mistake it for something stupid.


I discovered the power of prayer (I’ll tell you why I prayed in a little bit).  The way I did it was, I lit a candle and stared into the flame asking it to grant me strength.  I also asked my ancestors for help.  You know, like tribespeople do.

I learned in my shaman ceremony experiences that fire eats away demons.  You should always look into the fire and it sucks the demons out of you through your eyeballs.

That’s why I prayed with a candle.  I put two and two together.  Catholicism and shamanism.

So anyway, I prayed and went to sleep and wouldn’t you know it, the next day I felt amazing.  More amazing than can be put into words.  My business made over $1700 that week and I was finding joy again aside from washing sheets.

But if you don’t continually tend to something, it wears off.   Once you start expecting it to last, once you stop respecting it and thinking that your success is your own doing and not something celestial, or that it’s a “right” and not a privilege, you start to sink again.

Nothing is in my control but at the same time, it is!  It has something to do with being humble.  Being humble and believing in something bigger than you.  Something bigger, but it’s also in you at the same time.  Like a coalescence.

Oh God its so hard to explain.  But if I ignore or don’t acknowledge this bigger power and rely solely on myself and what I think I can control, I fail.  When I stop respecting God in a way.  By showing no acknowledgment for a higher power shows that I don’t respect him.

Could this possibly be the secret into “The Secret”?  Into the Law of Attraction?  By simply acknowledging and respecting a higher power?  By not proclaiming ownership or control over everything we enjoy or care about?

Ayahuasca tried drilling this into my skull that I must let everything go and to trust.  Over and over again she kept repeating, “let it go. Trust.  Let it go.  Trust.”

But then she said everything is in my control.  Everything that happens to me is all my own doing.

Me – “But how do I change anything?”

Aya – “You must let go of it first.”

Being humble and showing gratitude….I understood gratitude and appreciation for the first time last week.

A major reason why I prayed was because of that horrible thing that happened in work a few weeks back that involved the cops.  It led to an awful review on Yelp.  It was one of the lowest points in my life – so low in fact, that it made me say “fuck it.  Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.”  That helped ease the burden a bit.

But then I prayed.  I prayed and Yelp taken down that awful review the very next day.

The reason why I felt appreciation had nothing to do with Yelp taking down the review.  It’s hard to explain but I’ll try….

Before this whole ordeal with the cops started, I was worried about the business.  Worried over financial matters and little else, but still, it was a heavy burden.

But then the cops showed up at my doorstep and I wasn’t just worried anymore, I was terrified.  This terror lasted for weeks until that man left his nasty review on Yelp and my terror escalated into insurmountable water boarding torture.

But now that it’s finally over, I realized that I wasn’t appreciative before the cop incident happened.  Before the incident, I felt the height of my anxiety was at its max over my financial situation and I had very little to be appreciative for.

“It can always be worse.”

That phrase taught me what it means to be truly appreciative.  You’d have to experience it for yourself to understand what I mean.  Things can always be worse.

I learned so much from this incident – so freaking much.  I learned that things can always be worse, but more importantly, I learned to respect and acknowledge that nothing is in my control.  It’s like I have to hand everything over.  To put it down.  And by putting it down, only then can it be in my control – but it’s not at the same time because if I think I can control something, I never actually put it down in the first place.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I have no kids, I don’t work much, my mom makes me dinner and my dad takes care of the house – I have a tremendous amount of time to be alone and philosophize and even when I do work, my hands are occupied but my mind isn’t.  I have virtually no distractions that derail me from really sinking in and trying to comprehend all this stuff.

But after learning appreciation, I actually want to be in work.  I want to massage again if it’s only to get the business back on tract.  I’m starting to respect it, you know?  I’m respecting and appreciating everything that I already have.  I want to tend to my garden.

All this blows my mind.  How I can see everything fitting together too nicely, too completely.

Respect shows lack of control over a thing (or a person), Appreciation also shows lack of ownership (control).  Humility acknowledges a higher power.  They all fit together.

Plus if you tie in Strength with everything else – it takes a very strong person to hand over their control.  It takes a Brave person.

The opposite of all this?  A power seeker.  Someone who lets fear govern them.  A power seeker will never inherit peace of mind or happiness.  They’ll never hand over their power or relinquish their ego.

I have to remember all this.  I absolutely positively can NOT forget any of it.

I don’t understand yet how happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.  It’s all about the journey and not the end point.  I don’t relate to any of that yet but I’m extremely close to finding it.

After praying with the candle – literally right after – I felt it.  The happiness.  And I feel it every time I write or do a video blog.  And I don’t think it has anything to do with happiness, but rolling with everything, you know?  Sort of like being stronger than life’s punches.

Happiness is not obtainable, but withstanding the punches is.  It’s how we react to the punches, that’s how we spread our influence out into the masses.

Anyway, aside from all that, I had a crazy lucid dream last night.  As always, whenever I have a lucid dream, I grab the nearest person and start making out with them – it doesn’t matter who they are.  If it’s a man, that’s great, if it’s a female, I’ll settle.  My libido is astronomical.  And I’m so passionate!  The kissing alone sends me into ecstasy which confuses me since I thought I had to love the person for the ecstasy part to happen.

But then I stopped being lucid and turned into a big human-sized ant fighting for a Captain ant in his ant army.  It wasn’t a bad dream and the armor accessories were pretty cool.

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