Category Archives: journal

A Momento of my business before it’s torn apart

Here’s the  video from when I first moved in:

It looks like I put on a few pounds since that last video.  The last vid was shot back in March 2014, exactly two years ago next month.  I put on at least 30 pounds since then but I’m less stressed, not as fatigued and my hair actually looks healthier now than it did while I was a stress ball.

I’m a lot happier now.  I’m happier simply because I don’t have to massage as many people which was my plan all along and in a round-a-bout way, my plan worked.   I was a mess back then.  A complete mess.

And now I’m moving into a more professional location in the center of town.  My sign will be visible to the highest density of traffic in the area.  I’m moving up, but paying less.

I’m movin’ on up up

to the South side

Where the doctors and the lawyers do re-si-i-ide

I’m movin’ on up

to the South side

Where my employee’s will rub peoples ba-a-cksides.  



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Good Dreams

I’ve been having really good dreams lately and I never have good dreams.  Never.

Last night I dreamt that a sexy matador was trying to sweep me off my feet.  I’m not sure why this sexy man was a matador since I’m against that sort of “entertainment”, but there he was and undeniably sexy.

I was just being myself, as always.  Stupid funny is what I call me being me.  His words fell on me and wouldn’t stick.  Everything he said slid off me like silk on silk, no grip.  All because of me being stupid funny.  Comparing his words to the actual reality of the situation makes me behave stupid funny.

Then the tables turned, it wasn’t me being swept off my feet, but him being swept off his.  I wasn’t even trying.

The day before that, I dreamt that I closed the business for the day and had a few friends over to watch a sports game, but it wasn’t any normal sports game.  It was more like a quidditch match from Harry Potter only with interactive billboards that trapped the balls whenever they were hit and showed an animation.  Hard to describe, but according to my dream dictionary, it’s a good omen.


According to my business bank account, I’ve spent over $33,000 in the last 90 days.  Wha???   What?!!!

This is a very scary time for me financially.  It’s been scary since last summer.  I hope this is the last dread I have to face before I’m completely moved into my new business.

I lost over $2000 at the first location I looked at, spent over $3000 on a security deposit and first months rent at this other place I’m renting, paid quarterly taxes of $1000.  That takes me up to at least $7000, then add another $3000 because I pay $1000 a month to pay off a business loan.  The business loan will be paid off in August, but I’m planning to bankrupt the business before then (not only will I not have to pay $1000 a month, but it will be incredibly difficult to sue a dissolved LLC that’s been bankrupt.  It will help protect me from the case against Anthony).

I spent $10,000 that I normally wouldn’t spend.  $5000 of it came out of my personal line of credit which means that $5000 came from my profit income.  If I still had that $3000 in my bank account, I wouldn’t be shitting bricks right now and next month (two days from now) I could pay $3000 back into my personal line of credit.

Alas, that’s not the case.  I’m in a worse financial situation than ever before, worse than where I was over the summer.  The worst in my whole life!  All because of $3000.  I spent over $33,000, but it all comes down to $3000.

But this is it hopefully, the last of the dread.  I’m going out with a bang.  Open a new business, bankrupt the old one, earn the $3000 back in a reasonable amount of time and I’ll be back on track by April.

Damn, I have to shower.  I have a client at 11:30.

Opening up a new business is flowing like molasses.  It’s not fast enough.  The place I’m moving into is a real shit-hole and needs to be painted, wallpapered, carpets professionally cleaned….etc.  I haven’t even started moving anything in yet.

But I have an opening date.  February 20th is the grand opening.  That’s also my friends birthday and the Aquaturf reunion.  My birthday friend is conveniently attending the reunion with me since she worked there too.

I worked at the Aquaturf almost 15 years ago and it shaped who I am today.  I blossomed there.  It was the best time of my life.  And the people attending this reunion, maybe it was the same for them?  I belonged there, you know?  I owe that place everything because if it weren’t for the Aquaturf, I never would have discovered how awesome of a person I am.

And for my “third time’s a charm” grand opening to be on the same day as the reunion, well, is it a coincidence?  I think not.

Damn, I need to shower damn it.

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Scary Movies

When I was a kid, I watched every freaking scary movie I could lay my hands on.  I was 7 years old and was able to recite The Lost Boys word for word.  I watched every Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th.  The Blob, Amnityville, Tales From the Crypt, It, American Werewolf in London…etc.

I watched the Clockwork Orange but I didn’t actually know what I was watching so that doesn’t count.

Nothing scared me.  Why did nothing scare me?  Because my parents were super laid back when it came to what I watched on TV.  There were NO restrictions on TV, movies, video game consumption, candy, ice cream – I’m talking no restrictions what-so-ever on basically anything and everything that I wanted.  Homework?  Optional.

But that doesn’t explain why nothing scared me.  Nothing scared me because my parents drilled it into my skull that nothing seen in a scary movie is real.  It’s all fake.  They are just regular people playing dress-up trying to scare us on purpose.

Basically, they were too self-involved to stop the movie and say, “hey, this isn’t suited for Mel.”  They wanted to watch it and the only way they’d get me to watch it with them was by telling me it’s all make-believe.  And in a way, I was brainwashed into having no fear of Jason Voorheese.

I grew up knowing what’s real from what’s fake.  I grew up in a way that let me separate imagined fear from what’s actually taking place.  I also grew up without a sweet tooth or ice cream addiction.  I can’t remember ever doing my homework, but I never flunked.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, people don’t listen to all the facts before jumping to a scary conclusion.  They assume the worst because they have little or no knowledge of what’s actually happening.

My Dad went in for a routine check-up and was called back into the hospital shortly after because of a low platelet count.

Time stopped.  My mom cried.  My brother cried.  It was the end of the world.

Me – “Let’s not worry unless we have to.”

And I wasn’t worried.  I knew he was fine.  I just knew.  But everyone else was freaking out.

Brother – “I know you don’t believe in god anymore, but now’s the time to pray.”

Me – “I never said I don’t believe in god.”

The thing is, I do believe.  I actually believe more than anyone.  But I also know (from my experience with ayahuasca) that we create our own reality.  Whatever we believe WILL happen.  And the kind of prayers my brother was talking about are the wrong kind of prayers.  His prayers come from a place of non-belief, of feeling helpless and scared.  The kind of prayers I believe in come from strength and actual knowing.

I guess it’s something you’d have to live through in order to understand what I’m talking about.

I did, however, break.  Albeit a small break, but I can’t deny it.  After speaking with my brother and mom for several minutes, I floated downstairs into my bedroom (floated into the imagery of the scary movie), and wondered, “what if this is it?  what if my worst fear is happening?  Am I just too delusional not to see it?   Am I really that guarded and protected?”

I broke down and cried uncontrollably in the isolation of my room.

Me – “He’s okay.  This is crazy!”

Then I cried some more.

Me – “I know he’ll be okay.”

And cried again.

I couldn’t breathe.  Cement filled my chest.  It’s an all too familiar feeling.  One that I experienced much of last year only this time it was worse.

I slowly came out of it with having complete conviction in knowing that my dad will be okay.  I had no choice but to believe it.

I decided that even if I was being delusional, I choose delusion over helplessness.

Yesterday they diagnosed my pops with ITP.  It’s an autoimmune disease where the immune system attacks the platelets because they think they are foreign invaders.  He had to get blood transfusions (thank god we’re not Jehovah’s witness) and go on steroids.  If worse comes to worse, he’ll have to get his spleen removed.

He’s going to be fine.  There are meds and there are treatments.  I told my employee about it and she said she had that same thing in high school and it went away.  She even knew the medical term for it, thrombocytopenia.

The world is one big scary movie.  Everyone playing their part, purposely goading us into feeling what they feel, believing what they believe so they’re not alone in it.  They either don’t want to feel alone, or they want something else from us.

I choose the simple path.  Avoid avoid avoid.  If someone sparks any emotion in me, I sprint to the nearest bar.

Later gators.


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Last Day at the Mat

At least I hope.

I get my washer & dryer installed tomorrow at my new business so I’ll be going there instead of the laundromat where weird old hippies ask me, “hey, wouldn’t it be easier to get a washer and dryer?”

Me thinking – “Why don’t you tell me?  You bring your dirty clothes here every week in a garbage bag.  I’d like you to answer that same question.”

Some lady – “How many weeks worth of sheets is that?”

Me – “Four days.”

It sucks there, but hey, I would’ve been screwed without them.

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My Niece Told Me She’s a Lesbian

And I literally had no emotional reaction.

You – “If you had no emotional reaction, than why are you writing about it?”

Moments after I realized that I had no emotional reaction, I felt I should write about my non-reaction.

So here I am writing about it.  There it is.

In other news, I’m incredibly over-whelmed.  I just want to sleep or throw up.  I want to cry.  I’m fantasizing about the relief that the apocalypse might bring.  None of this has anything to do with my niece’s sexuality.  I’m actually kinda relieved she won’t get pregnant too young, suffer from STD’s, or seek unnecessary validation/approval from men.  It’s kind of a blessing if you really think about it.

No, I’m overwhelmed with other things.  When will it stop…….

My most pressing concern is of course Anthony, and the possibility of getting sued for what he done over the summer.  I haven’t wrote about what happened because it went public, locally viral actually, and the story is out there for anyone to read.  I just want to remain an anonymous blogger who gets 6 hits a day and if I told you what happened, you can easily look me up and connect the dots.

I started thinking about him again two or three days ago when my new landlord asked for proof of insurance and I had to visit my high school friend who doubles as my insurance agent to purchase yet another insurance policy.  It drudged up those bad thoughts.  Wondering if my insurance can cover it.  Wondering if I’ll lose everything and I’ll have to pay for the rest of my life.

Insurance Agent – “You’re covered with workman’s comp through a different agency?”

Me – “Yeah….”

Me thinking – “I have to be insured for that?  Don’t my taxes cover it?”

My broken armed therapist whom I laid off is collecting and by this summer, I’ll owe over $3000.  I thought the $3000 gets taken care of by the workmen’s comp taxes I pay into.

And I’ve been getting requested to massage a lot lately, we’ve been busy, I have to keep track of clients stuff, email them, text, call them….wash sheets at the laundromat 4 days a week and lug them upstairs two heavy bags at a time.

I still have to fire Kasey, my crappy therapist.  I lost over $2000 by not leasing that first place I looked at, I need to buy a washer and dryer.  My fat jeans are getting tight and a little over a year ago I literally couldn’t wear them because they’d slip right off.

I need to move all my crap into the new place and fix it up nice.

And so yeah, I’m a little freaked out right now.  Why do I want to sleep and throw up all day?  How does that solve anything?  My cousin just died, my Uncle Arty is on the morphine drip on his way out, my other cousin is having 9-hour surgery the same time her father, my Uncle Arty, is dying at home.

I need some serious self help audiobooks right now.

And I’m moving my massage business next to my friends massage business.  We’re going to share the same parking lot, that’s how close we’ll be.  But I have no choice.  There’s no place else and I’ll be saving $800 a month along with an added $300 I spend on washing sheets at the laundromat.

At least I’ll be further away from my brother’s spa….

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Washing sheets

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The Ormus Among Us

I was cruising Amazon today looking for snake oils and discovered what is called Ormus, aka monoatomic gold, or white gold.  They claim that it induces a kundalini awakened state (whatever that means) while meditating.

It also purports to trigger vivid lucid dreams, out of body experiences, cures disease and emotional disorders.  And if you ingest enough of it, makes your skin all sparkly like the pretty vampires in Twilight.

The crazy thing is, people buy into this!  Gobs of people!  Go on YouTube and you’ll see testimonials, go on Amazon and read the five-star reviews.  There’s even a group of people that believe it is the devils powder, or the illuminate, meant to brainwash and turn us into hermaphrodite zombie slaves.

Here are some posts written by, imo, nutters:

Ormus can also make you hear auditory hallucinations as stated in this article.

“Hindu mystics call these sounds the “nada” and Chinese mystics call them the “hu” sound.”

I actually experienced this!  It’s a sign of bi-polor disorder and schizophrenia!  I haven’t experienced it in a while though.  I haven’t had any crazy dreams either, or an invisible stranger laying next to me.

Everything it purports to do, I’ve already experienced them all.  Even the sparkly skin part.  When I had my OBE and looked at my sparkly translucent arm (and then stuck it in my head to see what would happen).

All my weird experiences  make me feel like a spiritual snob, looking down and shaking my head at anyone wanting in on the action but turning to wacked-out methods and spending honny dolla billz yo.

The best method for obtaining auditory hallucinations, OBE’s, Lucid dreams and all that nonsense is to suffer from massive sleep deprivation and consume copious amounts of alcohol knowing full-well that work tomorrow will invariably suck.

Get no sleep for about a week (due to intense partying followed by work) and then take a nap.  I guarantee that nap will knock your socks off.  You’ll experience all sorts of weird shit.

Aside from my personal method, their method is scientifically implausible.  The first obstacle being that you can’t make the stuff.  You literally can’t make it no matter how hard you try.  The man who invented it formed a patent describing how it’s made, but it’s mostly gibberish and his method was never proven.

But there’s a bunch of YouTube vid’s on how to make it!  And plenty of suppliers on Amazon!

Okay, let’s be rational here.  Why are they even trying to make this stuff in the first place?  To experience some sort of heightened awareness, a super power, and some go as far to say it gives them the ability to teleport (has never been proven tho).

If that’s the case, why not do something that actually works?  Like ayahuasca, smoke some DMT, magic mushrooms, peyote, iboga, yopo.  Hell, even straight up pot has its eye-opening moments.

Why go through all the trouble of trying to make gold using everyday household ingredients and a recipe found on YouTube?  To experience something that I’ve already had my hand in and to be quite honest, it’s not worth the hype.

Well, the OBE with seeing my translucent arm was pretty cool, plus my 2-seconds of emptiness and that other time I experienced 2-seconds of witnessing myself think.  But nothing comes out of having these experiences except personal proof which doesn’t mean a damn thing to anyone aside from myself, and even that doesn’t mean much.

They’re chasing their own tail.  Trying to go after something they already have.

But the whole thing amazes me.  The placebo effect amazes me, denial is amazing, and nobody ever wants to admit when they’re wrong (especially when a ton of money is involved) and they look like complete idiots buying snake oil.

You can tell when you’re in denial when an opinion that opposes your own affects you in such a violent manner that you resort to name calling.


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The I-Ching….it’s freakin’ freaky

I started consulting the I-Ching in September of 2014.  Every 2 to 3 months I’d break out my journal and record a reading.  Looking back, it’s never been wrong.

Oct 23, 2014 I did a random drawing with no questions.


The eight month is August/Sept in the Chinese calendar.  The month that Anthony tore my business apart.  But I’ll ascend after the winter solstice and that’s happening in a couple weeks.

January 21, 2015 I asked if I should rent the two rooms upstairs….



With the 9th line being in the second place, it was telling me the danger is too great.  When you’re reading a hexagon, you always have to read where the changing lines are and not the over-all meaning of the hexagon.  The 9 in the second changed the whole meaning.

May 7th, 2015  Will my business succeed?



The I-Ching works as follows…..You pull marked tokens from a sack one by one and record them from the bottom up.  The tokens I made look like this:


If you pull a token with an X or an O in the center of the line, that’s called a changing line which means you can read further into the future than if you were to draw only non-changing lines.  In this case, it was telling me that I would be fine as long as I didn’t reach too far.

I hired an esthetician, rented the rooms upstairs, let my broken armed therapist answer phones.  I-Ching was telling me to STOP EVERYTHING!!  I was being an arrogant stubborn dragon.

December 28, 2015 I asked if the new business location will be a success (I found a new place to move my business into).


The secondary hexagram, the one that foretells the more distant future, didn’t sit right with me.  The first one is great.  It verify’s that I’m pushing forward through this wreckage and will get the business going again.  But the second one, Darkening of the Light, well, that just sounds scary.

So earlier today I did another drawing to clarify things and got this….


By next month (February), I would be moved out and settled into a better location.  This also corresponds to the Oct 23rd drawing when it foretold I would ascend my problems around this time.  Until again, the eighth month of doom.  I’ll be cruising just fine until September hits, and I’ll redeem myself again around this time next year.

Basically, if I don’t learn, I’ll keep repeating the same mistakes.  It’ll just keep going in a loop.

You know what’s really nuts?  If I were to ask a completely different question, like, who am I?  I get a simple answer.  Cryptic yes, but simple.  There’s no changing lines, no future events.  There’s none of that.

I pulled this reading around October 2014:


I’ll do this again, right now.  Same question.  Who am I?

I got the hexagram “Gathering Together”.  I had no changing lines.  It’s basically telling me that I should go out more which is odd because I feel like I go out enough.

“Unchanging: To find your clan = open the door. If you are spending too much time alone, Gathering Together unchanging can be a message that it is time to become more sociable. There is great potential to expand and even achieve greater happiness, which is something that cannot occur until you open the door and go outside. Often when people feel listless or depressed, joining some type of activity can work wonders in invigorating enthusiasm or inspiration. You may be part of a group and feel out of place when this hexagram appears unchanging. The focus is on finding similarities and shared interests. In relationships there can be stark differences in social standing that must be considered. In business, the message can be to network in a way that allows others to find you, such as creating an identifiable brand or social media presence. You can only remain an outcast if you keep hiding. Your clan is out there. You need only go in search of it.”

A while back I had a reading that told me I would disappear for 3 years to work on my business.

Ah well, anyways…..

The full description of Gathering Together is found here.  I don’t see how it describes who I am.  I can’t go out and have fun while I’m stressing about my future.

I’m so tired I think I might throw up.  I’ll figure it out tomorrow how this reading pertains to me.


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The 3 Stages of Growth

It’s impossible to live in the moment and reflect at the same time.  It’s either one or the other.  First live, then learn.  Or in some cases, first learn, then live.  Or, I don’t know, just don’t give a shit I guess.

But as you get older, an ugly form of survival takes shape.  No longer living and learning, it’s all about survival.

1) To live in the moment

  • You don’t know you’re doing it.
  • Emotions guide your actions.
  • Spontaneous, living from the heart.
  • Expressive.
  • To live with hope, love for yourself and love for others

2) To reflect

  • You know when you’re doing it
  • You’re head helps guide your heart
  • It’s the learning phase
  • Mostly happens after you’ve made a choice, experienced loss, or any heavy emotions

3) To survive (the bad version of living in the moment)

  • Fear the unknown
  • Fear of making more poor choices
  • Hiding
  • Seeking power, approval, control
  • You don’t know you’re doing it
  • Not being aware of yourself

If something goes awry in stage 1 and you’re forced into reflection, that reflection will eventually lead you to stage 3.  The only way to safely overcome a hardship during stage 1 is through forgiveness.  Forgiveness of yourself and of others.  That is of course, as long as you can admit responsibility.

Instead of using stage 2 for learning purposes, people use it for rationalizing.  They rather rationalize than forgive themselves for making a mistake.  Or they place blame and “forgive” the other person which only takes them to level 3 (seeking control).

I taken a four hour nap today and now I’m wide awake laying in bed with my laptop.  I’m reflecting big time.  Why am I reflecting big time?  Because my hamster and her babies died today.

The day before Christmas my niece brought her hamster to our house because her mother wanted it gone.  The same thing happened last summer only with rabbits.

So on Christmas day, the store-bought hamster had babies.  I had zero inkling to care about this hamster or her babies, if anything I thought they were gross.  Hamsters eat their babies and I wanted nothing to do with them.

But as the days passed, and the Mother diligently sat on her babies and cared for them, I grew more and more fond.  I read an article on eHow about how to care for them and I gave the mother cheese and tuffs of toilet paper.  She was a good mother.

Then she caught a virus and died with her babies.

I hate stuff like this.  I have no stomach for it.  I’ll feel this malaise for days.  All because of a hamster.  A freaking hamster!  She died this morning, but I still feel like crying.

Last night she tried moving around but couldn’t.  All day she was curled up in a ball when finally at midnight, when she should’ve been awake, I gently picked her up out of her cage and held her rigid body.

I have to get a grip.  I mean seriously.

I should say there are 4 stages to growth.  The forth being grief.  No other stages apply to me right now.

4) Grieving

  • Feeling like life sucks
  • It’s not fair
  • feeling insurmountable compassion that leads you to feel even more grief

I think grief and compassion are linked.  You had to feel grief at at least one time in your life in order to know compassion.  It happens when you form an emotional connection, not an emotional attachment (because that’s all ego), but one of connection.

If you’re attached to something and that attachment is severed, you think only of how it affects you, and not the other person or animal.  You place blame, harbor anger, and you find yourself in stage 3, survival.

But to lose a connection and not an attachment, that’s where you find compassion.  It’s found in the places that can’t hurt you.  Like children and animals, the things that don’t feed your ego.

I’ve learned to widen my range of compassion to encompass most adults.  Which wasn’t easy, but I’ve pushed myself a little each day.  It starts with understanding other people’s perspectives.

Anyway, I ‘spose I should get some sleep.  Or rather, more sleep I should say.

I miss blogging at coffee shops.  I’ve been stuck in stage 3 for a very long time.  I don’t blog in stage 3.

Goddamned hamsters.  I hate hamsters.  Okay, maybe there was a little attachment there.

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Thoughts about Time Travel

There are too many paradoxes for it to be even remotely feasible.  The first and foremost is the Grandfather paradox.  The Grandfather paradox states that if you were to travel back in time to kill your grandfather before he meets your grandmother, than you’d never be born.  But if you were never born, you’d never be able to go back in time to kill your grandfather and thus, your grandfather lives and meets your grandmother and you will be born after-all.

I discovered my own time traveling paradox when I watched the first Terminator movie.

John Conner ordered one of his sergeants (or whoever he was) to travel back in time to stop the terminator from killing his mother.  However, the man who traveled back in time ends up falling in love with John’s mother, has sex with her, and it turned out that he was John Conner’s father all along.  The man that John Conner sent back in time was his father.

This didn’t sit right with my addled 15-year old head that never slept (I had horrible insomnia).

Me – “If John Conner never sent that man back in time, John never would have been born.  But that man from the future was only sent back because John order him to, but John shouldn’t have existed in the first place since there would be no John ever in existence!”

If you go back in time to fix a mistake in the past, and you succeed at fixing it, than there would be no reason for you to go back in the first place because none of it ever happened.  And if none of it ever happened, the time traveler will go back to their present time and see another version of themselves, one that never traveled back in time because there was no need for it.  Just like the mistakes that happened in the past which are now nonexistent, the time-traveler becomes also, nonexistent.

Anyway, whether you understand it or not, it’s impossible.  And scientifically speaking, time and speed are synonymous and nothing can travel faster than light (aka time).  If you were to hold a flashlight and shine it up into space, and your friend who also has a flashlight shining into space but is also riding a rocket going 99% the speed of light, his flashlight would still go the same speed as yours.  Even though he’s shining it from a ridiculously fast rocket.  Why is this?  Because time slows down for your rocket friend, but stays the same for you.  But time can never stop (because we can’t catch up to it) and it especially can’t go in reverse.

The light barrier is impenetrable, whereas the sound barrier is not.

Why does that big boom happen when you break the sound barrier?  It happens when an object flies faster than the speed it takes for sound waves to get out of the way.  The sound waves can’t dissipate like ripples on a pond, and instead they mass together to create one big boom.  When a boat travels faster than the speed of water getting out of the way, one big wave is created.

But what happens with time?  If you go faster than time, do you create one big time?  How does that work?


I thought of a way to make time travel work!  At least in a story, not in real life (but it’s possible!).  It by-passes all the paradoxes.

I found a loophole!  Not just any loophole, but the mother of all loopholes.

I can’t write about it in my blog.  It’s just too good.  Too rich.  It doesn’t matter if I only get 6 hits a day, I’m not risking it.  I’m telling you it’s a whopper of an idea.

Imagine a time travel story that actually makes sense…..just imagine the possibilities!

I’ll start working on it as soon as I’m done moving the business.  After that, I’ll have time.  Gobs of time.

I found an old story that I was working on while I was in my little stink hole office.  I re-read it and actually liked it.  Why did I stop writing it?  Maybe I should finish that one first.  Sort of like a prep story to get my gaskets going before attempting my masterpiece.

In any good story, I feel that it’s good because I can easily visualize it in my head.  It has a natural flow to it.  Words should never get in the way of the imagery.  They should describe the imagery, not direct it, but describe.  Kind of like the story finding you sort of thing.

But anyway, it’s Christmas.  It was a lovely Christmas.  Freaking 65 degree’s and sunny apocalyptic kind of Christmas but who’s scared?  I’m not scared.  Who said anything about being scared?

I did have a nice Christmas.  I’m supposed to be at a friends party tonight, but I stayed home instead because that’s what losers do.  They stay home and blog about time travel.  It’s crazy because a guy I’m crushing on was going to be there.  I’m playing so hard to get that even I don’t get me.

Eye on the prize.  Move my business, make money, write my book and travel.  First comes me.  I have to look out for number 1.  And honestly, getting this shit out of my head has always been top priority.



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