Category Archives: journal

And the saga continues….

Om num sha body Om num sha body Om num sha body……

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You know that feeling just before your heart gets ripped from your chest?  When a big sweaty Indian man with crazed eyes sticks his hand in your chest (without sterilizing it first) and pulls out your still beating heart so it can burst into flames before your very eyes?

You know that feeling?

Well, I’m feeling it now.  Right at this very moment.  My eyes are wide with fright.

I just hired not one esthetician, but two.  TWO!!!  To do micro-current facials.  I interviewed both of them today, one right after the other and I liked them both.

Shit shit shit.

I must pray.  Do you have any idea how expensive employee’s are?  They’re freaking expensive, that’s how much they are.  Did you know a butt-load is an actual number?  I’m serious.  Butt is a unit of load.  Look it up.

But these girls do it all….Waxing, scrubs, LED light therapy, body wraps – both being experts in the field and placed in top managerial positions at their previous jobs.  I can easily see manager written all of them.

Thank the lord but OM NUM SHA BODY is my chant for this evening.  Every time my mind wonders to something different, but then remembers – I’ll be chanting OM NUM SHA BODY all day today, and possibly into next month and the month after that.

I’m laying in bed.  I just got home a little while ago.  Should I sleep?  I’m already lying here and in my pajama’s…..

OM NUM SHA BODY

Shit shit shit please oh please god.

I hope it works.  I shall part the heavens with my prayer.  I bought a Jesus bobble head for my car the other day and my mother blessed it with holy water.  I’m going to sleep with it tonight.

I’m not religious in the least but when a person is dying, that’s when they pray.  And since I’m having my heart ripped from my chest cavity and all…..

Why don’t they have stuffed Jesus dolls?  Or Jesus action figures like GI Joe, only have it be GI Jesus?  With his 12 disciples, lamb and myrrh accessories.  The Jesus doll can cry holy water and excrete concentrated evil out his bum.  Jesus Pocket instead of Polly Pocket.  Jesus in a barrel instead of monkeys in a barrel.

Okay, so here’s my plan:

1)  Get these girls on the schedule

2)  Announce micro-current facials to my 2,000 clients

3)  Sell 40 more memberships

4)  Rent the two empty rooms upstairs

5)  Hire more massage therapists

6)  Take myself off the schedule so I only work one day a week (maybe two).

And by the summer I’ll be cruising across the country on my motorcycle.

The question is, can this be done?  Can I seriously do this?  By the summer?  Without losing EVERYTHING in the process?!

I written down a few awesome philosophical debates for me and my rational brain to discuss, but I don’t have the capacity for it now.

Rational brain – “……….”

Yes that’s right.  Stay silent.

I wonder if there’s anything to eat upstairs…

temple

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Filed under humor, journal, rant

Business Blurb Before Bed

Hello blog

my midnight snack

my devilish retina burning time sap

It’s nearing midnight and I want to write.  About what?  I don’t know.  But something always comes and I end up with red scratchy eyes in the morning.

I did nothing for three days straight.  It was a well received vacation.  I normally have at least two clients a day that request me, which means that I had to tell over 60 people how my trip to Thailand was.

“Good.  It was good.”

“Good.  It was good.”

Repeat that 60 times over while giving a massage each time.  And that about wraps up what I’ve been up to since getting back.

As absurd as it sounds (since I write a blog and all), I don’t like talking about myself.  More like, I don’t like mechanically answering questions when my hearts not into it.  Everything has to happen organically.  And for the most part, I’m organically inclined to not talk about myself or my crazy family unless I can connect it to the moment.  Otherwise, what’s the point in bringing it up?

I just discovered a way for me to lose weight without diet or exercise.  Want to know what it is?  And no, this does not connect to the moment but I’m a hypocrite.

Cashews!

I am head over heals allergic to cashews.  Possibly all tree nuts for that matter.  I just found this out by eating a handful of cashews two days ago only to have massive stomach cramps, nausea, and a trip to the bathroom about an hour after ingesting them.

As an experiment, I did it again yesterday and the same thing happened.  The pain was severe, I almost threw up, but the relief that came after I let loose in the bathroom was incredible.  My stomach actually looks slimmer from the trauma I caused to my intestinal organs these past few days.

They don’t work as well as Thailand though (I’ll save that for my Thailand post).

Last month was a good month business-wise.  I managed to net $1000 after all my unwarranted purchases.  $1000 after paying my personal bills, going out, eBay and Amazon shopping….etc.

It feels good, but I still don’t have that “settled” feeling, you know?  It’s like I need to eat more cashews.

What I mean by eating more cashews is that I have to start eating into my debt.  It’s just as painful as eating cashews, but just as satisfying when it’s over and done with.  I feel lighter.

I finally finished my taxes during my three day hiatus.  I somehow made over $100,000 this year.  Where the hell did it go?  I calculated everything as accurately as I could on Turbo Tax and it said I made a net income of negative $10,000 or something.

When you’re negative, state law prohibits you from filing online and you have to do it old-school, by mail.  So I actually LIED on my tax return stating that I made more money than I actually did – just so I could e-file.

It’s not that I’m lazy……

So, according to my 2014 tax return, I made $2,000.  Unless there’s a loophole for buying a house, I don’t foresee it happening anytime soon.  And since I made over $100,000, I’m now targeted for audits which I’ll find hilarious if they do audit me only to find that I held back deductions.  Truthfully, they owe me money (something to do with rollbacks or roll forwards) but I’m not a tax savvy expert with elbow patches sewn into her blazer and know’s how to file old-school.

My incompetence costs $1000, the money I paid last year when I filed.  But what’s $1000 when you have $100,000?  Haha I’m an idiot.

Completely unconnected, I hired a big black man to work Sundays which made me proud of myself for not being a racist but I stopped by last night to put down a new carpet and checked the cash drawer only to find it skimpier than usual.  And where was the first place my mind went?  Can you guess?

So yeah, maybe I am a racist.  But I swear I can’t help it.  It’s like an autoimmune knee-jerk response.

No Mel, no.  Stop.  I have to consciously tell myself that.  But at the same time, I don’t want to white-wash over everything.  Lol, white-wash….White washing cracka is what I am.

So with my new sturdy man under my wing, Saturday is my only “full” day of work.  By “full” day I mean at least four clients.  It has taken me almost a year to get here and lord knows I’m tired.

I’m tired, but not settled.  There’s still work to do.  Pay down my debt and add micro-current facials to the menu.  If I had no debt, I’d be $2000 richer every month.

I better get some sleep.  I have two clients tomorrow.

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Chirashi Sushi

“I’m majorly craving sushi today.  I’m famished!”

Rational Brain – “See if anyone wants Sushi House after work.”

“Yes!  Sushi House!  All you can eat you cannot beat!”

Rational Brain – “You can even offer to pay for everyone.  You had a really good month and should spread the joy.”

“Absolutely!”

I pick up my phone and ready myself to text.

Rational Brain – “But since you have the means to pay for someone else’s dinner, why don’t you just buy yourself two dinners and get take-out?  That way you can play your video game.”

“That sounds…..WONDERFUL!”

And that’s how I ordered and ate two chirashi sushi dinners.  Two soups & two salads also.  Why did I order two of the same meal you ask?  My email, chirashigirl at yahoo, is no accident.

I started wondering if maybe I might have a problem.  Not an eating problem, I still manage to stay trim somehow.  But a different kind of problem.

The best way to figure out if you have a problem is to see yourself from an outsiders perspective.  The outsiders perspective I chose was that of a parent – a mother.  “How would I feel if I had a daughter just like me?”

I went on an imaginary online forum for mothers complaining about their kids and wrote this:

Mom – “My daughter, Melanie, might have a problem.  She’s 35 years old, still lives with us, and she spends most of her time playing video games.  She has free time now that her business is doing so well, and she can spend days at a time in her pajama’s never leaving the house.  I’m worried about her isolation.”

Commenter – “Does she have any goals or hobbies?”

Mom – “She has too many goals if you ask me.  But once she sets her mind on something, she always follows through.  Right now she’s working on building up her client base so she can go cross-country on a motorcycle, take me and her father to Italy, and eventually buy a house.”

Commenter – “Does she seem like she’s happy playing video games and being in her pajama’s all day?”

Mom – “I’ve never seen her this happy.  That’s why I’m worried.  Is it normal?  She has no interest in getting married, having kids or even dating.”

Commenter – “Does she have friends?”

Mom – “I think so.  She wanted to go out to eat the other day with a friend but she got take-out instead.  Her reasoning was that she can get two dinners for herself instead of offering to pay for her friends meal.  And she gets to stay home in her pajama’s and play video games.”

Commenter – “So you’re telling me that your daughter is completely happy and content, has viable goals that she’s achieving, likes to travel, is self-sufficient, get’s to do NOTHING all day if she wants, and you’re worried why?”

Mom – “Um, okay never mind then.”

My only problem is that I’m selfish.  I wanted to address this issue by volunteering at a shelter or food place.  So I went on the website, Meals on Wheels, and discovered that one of the requirements to volunteer is that you have to be 55 or older.

I gave up and closed the lid of my laptop.

After writing my last post about casting the Patronus spell to get rid of dementors, I broke through into a bi-polar high.

If you can’t tell, I’m a little high on myself right now.  It’s subtle, but I assure you, it’s there.

It’s all about asking the right questions and to avoid at all costs, seeing no hope in any situation.

Whatever solution you may find yourself with will need one of two things:  Courage or faith.

If you have faith in a plan that can’t lose, you don’t need courage.  But if your faith is faulty, that’s when you’ll need courage.

And if you need courage, that often foretells that you’ll just have to plan more.  But this is where our evolutionary process occurs – by taking action using courage alone.  This is where we find choice – you find your power.

Rational Brain – “Why in the hell did you start writing a post like this at 1:30 in the morning?  You knew it was going to be a transfixed philosophical ramble that gives you insomnia!”

I had no idea I swear!  I was just going to write about my chirashi dinner episode because I thought it was funny.  Look, I even named this post after it!

Rational Brain – “Yeah right.  Anyway, take me through your thought process on this.  How does courage give you choice?”

You’ll have to use your emotional side of the brain for this because words can’t grasp what I’m about to say.  You’ll have to take a minute to feel it.

Rational Brain – “Ooooh-kay….how can I feel what you’re saying?”

Have you ever been so angry that you snapped?  A choice was made to hurt the person offending you.  You snapped and wanted that other person to feel the pain they caused you.  Have you ever felt that?

Rational Brain – “You know I have.  At least 3 or 4 times in my life.”

It’s like that, only non-violent.  When you make a choice that your heart is fused with, it’s undeniable action – you have to do something to avoid yourself further pain.  You start seeing your choice.  It’s like lifting the veil.  You feel your power, your own potential.  You take action without a plan because courage was thrust upon you.

Another way to help you emotionally connect with my words is that old saying “there is no try, only do.”  That saying always struck home for me personally.

Choice, in essence, IS action.  Taking action is the same as making a choice.  They are the same thing.  They happen simultaneously.  You can’t ask me to explain it, it’s one of those old truths that feels ruthlessly correct without explanation or rationalization.  It’s the same kind of truth ayahuasca taught me.

But this is where things get weird…..

Once the action has started, once it has moved, things start happening without your influence.  I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

My latest choice was to move out of my parents house as soon as humanly possible.  I was going to wait until I paid off my debt and saved a little for a down payment on a house, but I HAD to get out.  I was at the breaking point I mentioned earlier.

It’s all to do with my crazy aunt and OCD cousin who live with us.

There was a tremendous blow-out at my house a few days ago because my cousin was running the water…..again.  Our bathroom sink downstairs (where my boisterous temperamental brother and his girlfriend reside) clogged and as OCD cousin ran the water in the upstairs bathroom, it rose quickly up the drain and splashed onto the floor in our bathroom below him.

My brother was telling OCD cousin to stop running the water, but he wouldn’t stop.  If you knew my brother, this situation got ugly fast.  That’s to say the absolute least.  My bro was at his limit.

Basically without getting into too much detail, my aunt screamed that she was calling the cops – several times she screamed it but never called for fear it would be her son taken away.

OCD cousin…..OMG….OCD cousin, I’ve never heard a grown man squeal like that – literally squeal in a such an ear piercing manner like a child.  It sounded – no joke – like he had murderous rage.  I’ve never heard murderous rage from anybody before, but that was it.  Definitely it.

The only time I came out of my bedroom was to assess the damage done to our bathroom and help my dad and my brothers girlfriend clean it up.  I came out one other time to calm down my brothers girlfriend who was getting an onslaught of insults thrown at her from my crazy aunt.

Me – “Don’t respond to her.  You can’t reason with crazy and it’ll only make you crazy for trying.”

She was shaking with anger.

Me and my brother, and possibly my dad, know that OCD cousin is capable of evil things.  I say this as honestly as I can – the dude would kill us.  All of us.  Most likely in our sleep.

And we actually KNOW this!  For real for real!

My brother – “You better lock your door tonight.”

My brother and his girlfriend braved the snow storm and moved out that night.  That’s when I realized I needed to get out of dodge too.  My heart was set and I started looking at apartments.

Anyway, long story long, my crazy aunt and OCD cousin left here and my brother is back living with us again.

Crazy aunt and OCD cousin are staying with my Aunt Rosemary for the time being.  I don’t know how that happened, only that they are gone.

I’ve never been happier.  I mean, I’m falling off my rocker with joy!  Not only by them leaving, but my business had a REALLY good month.  I have four days left of February so I’ll write a post March 1st on how it did.

You must think I’m horrible for turning family away, so I’ll tell you two of my cousins latest freak-outs:  He made my 70 year old mother leave the house at night in the bitter cold to buy him lemonade, and he shit his pants and got his shitty pants all over the bathroom floor.  He didn’t even clean it up.

And that’s just TWO of his latest antics, before causing a landslide in our bathroom downstairs and squealing murderous rage at my brother.  Not to mention he can fill a swimming pool in one weekend with how much water he wastes.

Anyway, I stopped writing about them because I couldn’t find a solution to my problem (being them).  I don’t complain when there’s no solution.  And the reason why NONE of us should complain when there is no solution is because it’s your own damn fault.  It was my fault for living here.  But alas, the energy has moved, a choice made, and things started happening in my favor without my influence – without doing anything really, just deciding.

Them leaving is a better option than me having to move out.  I pay $1,000 a month towards my debt, it would never get paid if I moved out now.

Ayahuasca told me that there is always a choice.

Me – “How do I get to choose?”

Ayahuasca – “With faith.”

Me – “How do I get faith?”

Ayahuasca – “With courage.”

Me – “But how do I find the courage?”

Ayahuasca – “Through suffering.”

I’m sensitive to the extreme, I can be weak, easily hurt.  I don’t know how or why, but it’s my fragile nature and my weakness that makes me strong.  It’s like, I have something to live for, you know?  It’s hard to explain.  If I didn’t feel what I feel, I wouldn’t do what I do.

I still want to write about how asking questions is tied in with awareness, but it’s too late for that.

Rational Brain – “Another night perhaps.”

Yes, another night.

I still need to write about Thailand…

 

 

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Filed under journal, My OCD cousin who wants to kill me, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

How to get out of a dump funk

Whenever I ask myself a question, it’s as though no other thoughts infiltrate my head other than the probable answers.  My focal point is set and all else falls away.

Rational Brain – “And what question is on your mind tonight might I ask?”

No questions.  I’m just mulling this fact over in my head.  I mean, one question and nothing else seems to matter except for that one question.

I had a bipolar day today.  I can’t remember my last bipolar episode before today.  I’d forgotten what they feel like.

It feels like someone sits on my chest making it impossible for me to breathe.  I feel listless, without happiness.  Like a Harry Potter dementor came to pay me a visit.  It’s quite literally a physical sensation.  Only one who experienced deep sadness can tell you about it.  Your heart physically aches.  How was I able to forget that?

All because of my impending birthday coming up on stupid Valentines day.  I remembered it’s this coming Saturday.  Last night I remembered and last night was when it started – the polar shift in my icecaps.  I woke up today with a big fatty of a dementor hanging over my head, washing away all the nice dreams I had.

Then I started worrying about my business and how I’ll never make any money with it.  All my thoughts were void of question.  My thoughts were inarguable statements without choice.

That’s what dementors do.  They rob you of your questions.  Without questions, you lose your focal point, your purpose.  And something else takes the reins – fear.

It’s so odd coming to this realization.  It’s particularly odd for me since I don’t like to complain about anything until I find a solution first.  First a solution, than I can complain all I want about the thing that once made my life hell.  I complain with a light heart – one that I’m fully in control of.  But I slip up at times and unwittingly complain in my internal grumblings.

My friend told me the other day that I’m the most emotionally stable person she knows.

It baffles me because if I’m so emotionally stable, then why am I still up at 5:30 in the morning unable to sleep?  Writing about dementors and how I feel like I have a man sitting on my chest?

If I’m considered stable, I don’t want to know what other people think about.  It’s also kind of funny how nobody really know’s anyone.

I’m up because I’m excited about my new discovery that asking the right question is like casting the most powerful patronus charm against all dementors.  I had to look up patronus charm and Google miraculously knew my question before it was asked.

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 5.19.17 AM

That’s crazy.

Here’s a question for you…..are we more apt to be sad in these futuristic times when answers are given to us before we can type them into a search engine?  Since answers are ample on the net, forums and blogs abound, are we less inclined to seek out a more personal take on things?

In other words, do we stop asking questions because the answers are already there for us?  We only have to open a book, or more conveniently, a laptop.

We are taught from baby-hood to listen to those who know better – and those people who know better just so happen to be anyone that’s older than us.  We’re inclined to listen more than we’re inclined to think.  It’s what we’re taught.  Lucky for me, thanks to my mother, I learned how to NOT listen to adults.

My mom is crazy and I knew from an insanely young age that I had a better gauge on reality than she did.  I owe everything to my mother, but that’s a different story.

What was I saying?  Ah yes.  According to my new insight, if we stop asking questions, the dementors will come find us.  We lose our power and source of awareness.  Awareness is found by asking questions.

Rational Brain – “That sounds insightful, can you spread your words on that?”

Okay but I won’t get too deep into it.  I’m tired.

Shit no, I can’t explain it without getting deep into it.  It’ll have to wait.  Damn the thoughts are flowing.  Damn you rational brain.

It’ll wait.  Another night.

Anywho, in other news….

I’m looking to hire another therapist to work weekends.  I can’t hack it anymore.

Another reason for my malcontent earlier today was because I had to work.  It’s Wednesday, so I only had to massage clients who requested me, but even still – it brought me down.  The moment I was done massaging them, I brightened up and the shroud lifted.

So, my impending birthday wasn’t the only weight on my chest – it was the weight of work that sent me over.

When I worked at Massage Envy, I hated it don’t get me wrong, but I buckled down and did it because I didn’t think I had a choice.  But now that I’ve grown so much and am able to finally see that I do have a choice, the dread becomes more vehement in a way.  More angry, more rebellious.  Like a teenager with a curfew who just got her drivers license.

“I don’t have to do this anymore.” Is your new focal point.  And the fact that you’re still doing it, only entices your wrath against it.  And when left without asking questions that mindfully set your focal point, can lead you to a polar shift of malcontent.

Don’t ask “Why am I still doing this?”  ask instead, “How can I stop doing this?”

Holy crap I just deleted a whole bunch of shit I just wrote.  It was work rambles.

The endings to my posts often suck the shit out of everything preceding it.

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

In The Beginning..

There was a thawed expression.

My ice aged face softening into transcendental awe.

In the beginning, there was an idea.

Back in Thailand, the whole time I was there, I was inspired.  36 days of non-stop inspiration.  On the last day I learned the importance of action.

To throw down your saturated towel that holds all your restraints, all your inhibitions.  It’s useless here.  It’s purpose of wrapping you up in security and comfort is useless when you realize it’s doing the complete opposite.  It’s not a security blanket, it’s an asylum.  It’s practicing the art of insanity by doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  The towel is a cloak of confinement.  Hell is paved with good intentions.

“Throw in the towel and fuck it.  Just do it.  Just friggin’ DO it Mel.”

This is my tenth day back after being in Thailand and I’m doing it.  I organized a plan since my last post.

My goal in life is to make money without having to work.  And to also own a house without having to pay for it.

If I take care of my first goal, the second will naturally follow.

I hired a woman to do Reiki on Sundays and since she does administrative work, I told her she’ll have to do my payroll too.

That’s one less job for me.

I moan and groan having to pick up sheets and pay $1 a pound….

My employee yesterday told me her mom will pick up and drop them off folded and smelling nice for $500 a month.

That’s another job I won’t have to worry about.  Not to mention it’ll save me over $200 a month.

I have two therapists working at all times during the week, leaving me just the weekends when I have to be there.  I have to work weekends until my new therapist quits Massage Envy and takes my weekend shifts.

I’m so close to being “by request only” – so close.  I’m so close to making money without having to work AT ALL.

I consulted the I-Ching and asked if I should rent the two empty rooms upstairs.  It told me, quite literally, to not invest in anything big right now because there are dangers in doing so – it literally said that!

So then what?  What do I do if action is needed but I don’t know what I can do differently?  To keep me out of the cloak of confinement?  In other words, how can I make more money without having to invest a ton?

I added four-handed massages to the menu.  Three people are already booked for them.  Later today I’m going to post a job for an independent contractor that will do at-home massage visits for $50 a pop.  The client books online and pays half when they book, then pays the other half later.  When they pay the other half later, that money goes straight in the hands of the independent contractor.  She keeps it.  I won’t ever have to see her, she’ll never have to come to the office.  She simply goes online to the booking software and handles everything.  And since the client has to pay half at the time of booking, there will be no sleazy perverted people because sleazy perv’s don’t like to pay in advance for fear of losing their money if the therapist walks out.  The perfect plan.

Money without having to work.

I’m tripling the amount of Groupons I sell for the months of February and March giving me an added $4000 to invest in my micro-current facial equipment.  The three massage rooms I have now are large enough to accommodate a facial chair so I won’t need to rent the upstairs rooms for that.

My deadline for success is June.  If I’m successful by June, I can buy my motorcycle and take my epic cross-country journey.  I’ll be home by September to possibly take my parents to Italy, depending on if my brother can make it by then.  We’re all going together, but it’s me that has to juice the wheels to make it happen.  By “Juice” I mean money.

The crazy thing is, none of this is unfathomable.  That’s what blows my mind!  I can actually achieve this!

In the meantime, this is the first day I been back where I can actually enjoy my bed.  I was tired.  Epically tired.  But I can’t enjoy it for long since I have to do payroll, go to the office to fax the payroll, and then do taxes.  I have time this week to get started on them now that I have two therapists working at all times.

I’ll post video’s of my trip to Thailand as soon as my taxes are completed.

Right now I’m a ripped up forgotten tarp shooting to become the Ritz.  No different from anybody.

I just gotta unfreeze, unconfined, and follow-thru.  I’ll be “rich” by next year.

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Reality Check

Nope I’m not rich.  I was way off.  How off was I?  If rich is the Ritz Carlton, then I am a tarp.  Not even a nice tarp.  A soggy ripped tarp that’s been left behind by a homeless man who found a better tarp.

I was at a five star hotel last week ordering room service with over $15,000 in the bank – not a care in the world.  This week I’m eating mom’s leftovers and I’m down to having $8,000 in the bank.  Where did it go?  No, seriously.  Where the hell did $7,000 go?

Bills and taxes.  And my employee’s got paid three times in December as opposed to their usual two.

I’m once again at an impasse with my business.  I’m at an impasse financially but I NEED to rent the two empty rooms upstairs so I can add ashiatsu massage.  I need a reason for clients to stay members with us – I HAVE to add more options.  But it will cost thousands of dollars to do this.

I don’t know what to do.  I can wait two weeks until I bulk charge my membership clients (I charge them on the first day of every month) and see where that leaves me, or I can wait a few months until it feels safe enough to splurge.  But if I wait a few months, my members might start dwindling in numbers and I’ll never get ahead if that happens.  I’ll always break even, or worse.  Keeping members should be my priority.

Shit shit shit.

In the meantime, I got back from Thailand the day before last and I’ve been working non-stop since.  Not only that, but people want to see me.  My friends want to see me but I’m so damn exhausted that literally I can go a full 6-months in solitude without getting lonely – at least 6 months. I have so much shit to do.  I have to do my friggin’ taxes….

My favorite place, my one favorite place that I missed the most while I was away was my bed.  I want to lay in it.  I want to nap as much as a person can possibly nap and then wake up and draw a picture, then nap some more only to wake up and write an epic blog post, then eat, then sleep, and wake up as late as I want and I’ll do the same thing I did the day before only with hiking thrown in there somewhere.  I really need to exercise.

But I have all this other stuff.  Too much of it.  I can never get married, never have kids – never have so much as a boyfriend with my attitude.  It’s unfathomable.

If our actions define who we are, then what does it mean when my actions consists of shit?  Where does the shit end and I begin?  Or am I merely a shit person with shit stuff to do?  Shit actions.

My friend is calling me.  She’s been at it since I got back.  Enticing me with beer so I’d come over.  I need another vacation.  I have three more people to massage today.  NOOOOO!

I need to hire another therapist.  I need to not massage anymore.

I’m skyping Brianna, my travel buddy, at 3 o’clock today.  She misses me.  But I’m afraid she’s going to start talking about plans for our next adventure and at this point, it feels like it’ll be years until I have that opportunity again.

I just want it to be over.  Building up my business I mean.  I want it to be stable, to have it’s five massage rooms, 8 therapists (not including myself) and one esthetician, ashiatsu and micro current facials.  One receptionist who manages the place while I’m not there.  Once I have all that, I’ll be free.  Then I’ll really be rich.

I’m happy with my false alarm however.  It was a little window into what it feels like to have money.  And it made me realize that money is not evil, it’s the opposite of evil.  You can’t help people and you can’t help yourself without it.  You’ll never feel settled and you’ll always have the fear associated with bad moods and depression.

Money makes you transcend all that.  Oh and to lay in bed…..OMG to lay in bed!  Have you ever laid in bed without any cares?  It’s like a hot shower after having a month of cold ones.

I know I’m childish, but having my bed right here and not being able to lay in it is like Christmas day watching all your cousins play with your new toys while you patiently wait until they leave so you can have them all to yourself.

I need to get my uniform back on and Skype Brianna before work.

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Here’s a transfixed ramble before I leave for Thailand tonight!

I woke up last night at 3 A.M feeling like I had to throw up.

“Why do I have to throw up?  I haven’t drank anything.”

Then a mini thunder storm erupted in my bowels.

“What did I eat?”

I wanted to get up, but couldn’t.  Every muscle felt weak.  All I could do was lay in bed and decide on whether I wanted to puke or to shit.  Then I realized I’d have to do both sooner or later and I wondered which one will happen first.  Which one I had the least control over.  And that was shit.

I shit like I never shit before.  Then I brushed my teeth because it was 3 A.M and I had morning mouth already – I threw up while I was brushing my teeth.

And so I brushed again.

But man I was sick.  Dizzy, out of breath, brain malfunctioning, black spots.

I couldn’t stand for more than a minute without needing to sit down.

Why?  From half a malaria pill that’s why!  I went online and read the side-effects and one of them were seizures – seizures!  I knew in my heart of hearts that what I was feeling (brain malfunctioning, light-headedness, black spots), are all symptoms leading up to a seizure.  I just knew, you know?  So yeah, no more malaria pills for this girl.  I’ll take my chances with the bugs.

The exhaustion I felt yesterday was impenetrable.  I couldn’t watch tv without feeling sick – I couldn’t listen to my audiobook.  Have you ever felt that sick?

It’s now the next day.  I missed my window to go to the Thai embassy in NY so I’m hoping they’ll still let me on the plane to Thailand.

My stomach is gurgling.  I have a client coming in an hour and a half.

It’s a few days later.  One day away from Thailand and omg…..

OMG!

I underwent a series of events yesterday all leading up to a new understanding about life.  It was incredible.  It all started with my new employee when she spelled the word “does” wrong.

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I cringed at the sight of it.

“There’s a reason why I didn’t hire her in the first place.”

The way my brain operates is, I try to see all sides of a situation before my judgements blind me from seeing truth.  I won’t go into too much detail, but I was once again brought to the conclusion that whatever you believe about a person, you will find.  You’ll keep finding truth to your judgements until that person’s own belief about themselves rises to meet your challenge.

If you dumb yourself down, holding back judgement, in a way, that person you’re holding judgment from will never evolve.  Placating people is a means to enable them.  And when you enable a person – nobody has any power.  It’s a stalemate and an egoic feeding frenzy that circulates back and forth into a spiral.  Placating is not diplomatic, it’s conforming – conceding.  Nobody wins.

I usually close my eyes and say to myself, “all will be well.”  I try not to judge and instead, close my eyes.  If I didn’t close my eyes, nobody will ever like me.  Trust me, they wouldn’t.

“You meant to say “does”, right?”

But what it comes down to is this; (when you’re not enabling stupid behavior and you’re being forthright in your assessments) if their power of belief about themselves overcasts your initial assessment of them, they become worthy of respect.  And since we all judge people from our own perspectives and values, what we believe about someone may be completely opposite of what someone else see’s in them.

The thing I value most is intelligence.  Lack of intelligence is the only thing that annoys me about people.  Feeling annoyed is a subtle branch of anger and hatred.  It’s placing blame to avoid having to deal with our own issues. If we accept people for who they are, this annoyance towards them disappears (it taken me 11 years to realize this).  However, when their behavior affects you in a way where you can’t accept it, remaining passive with your eyes closed will not benefit anyone.

It is more compassionate and giving to express your anger rather than holding onto it.  Expressing anger to someone who upset you is the more compassionate choice.

Since I judge people based on their intelligence, I have absolute power over anyone who annoys me for the sole reason that I don’t care what they think about me.

“Prove to me that you’re not an idiot.  I don’t need to prove anything to you because if an idiot thinks I’m an idiot, it cancels itself out.”

Why do I feel the need to close my eyes during all this?  Because it’s the easy thing to do.  But the right thing to do is most often the hardest.

Expressing our values in a show of annoyance, blame, and judgement – exposes our truest selves.  And the most pig-headed people have no awareness of their truest selves – even while exposing themselves to the wolves.

To find out what you value most, look to see what makes you angry and annoyed – it’s there where you’ll find it.

A dangerous value to have is believing that you’re always right.  By having this value, anytime someone opposes you, you will get defensive and angry.  You can end up running from the truth, and running from yourself.  All mental illness stems from avoiding truth.

Believing that you are always right is a trait of a superficial survivalist who will suffer a mental melt down if their perspective is challenged.  Why?  Because if the world they constructed is wrong, nothing will ever make sense again.  Their foundation is gone.  The void of emptiness (the bad kind), swallows them whole.  Admitting when you’re wrong without experiencing emotions of anger, annoyance, or embarrassment, is the trait of a truly strong person.  A person with faith, not fear.

I also value humility.  I know this for sure because I loathe narcissists – well, we are all narcissists but there’s a scale on how bad we can be.  The more validation you need, the higher you are on the scale.  The stronger our sociopathic traits (we are all sociopaths too), the further up you go.

Ayahuasca told me that we are all worthy of equal respect, but here in the physical realm where the ego is inescapable and spiritual evolution is our only goal – the spirit laws don’t apply here.  Only in death do they apply.

It’s all part of the game.

Growth and belief.  You grow and your perception widens – you’re able to understand more.  Expressing our value’s to others is a way for us to evolve.  You contribute nothing while placating and keeping your eyes shut.

This idea taken me to my own life.  My own growth process.

Up until, oh I don’t know…..YESTERDAY, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.  I didn’t know what made me truly happy.  Since I was a kid, I wanted and fantasized about every career under the sun.  Then I found my business which brought me direction and goals – but are my present goals really what my heart wants?

Rational brain – “You’re only happy when others are happy.”

Yeah but it’s not lasting.  It’s transient.  Who am I in-between those laughs?  Who am I when a friend carries with them a heavy heart?

Rational brain – “Everything is transient and meaningless.  Leave the in-between part for growth and possibilities.  Never cement yourself.

In the grand scope of things yes, life is transient and meaningless.  I agree that’s it’s improbable and unwise to be happy all of the time.  But It’s about having a foundation – one that is built upon seeing and experiencing my own potential….

A few hours later…..

DAmn I’m drunk.

I trained my new therapist, went to my brothers holiday party and then to a friends house and now I’m here at home drunk wanting to sleep.

I was onto something fierce before.  A good ol’ fashioned head squashing.  But now it’s 2 A.M and I want to watch Japanese anime like the freak-show that I am.  I’m eating left over steak.  Hunter X Hunter is the Japanese anime if you’re wondering.  I’m HOOKED.  I’m being completely honest here when I say this show is amazing.  Why the hell do I like this shit so much?  It’s not normal!  I don’t just like it, I LOVE it!

My brother had a holiday party at his spa tonight.  He had a party last year if you care to scroll back to read about it.  Here’s a pick of me and my folks:

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I love these people more than words can explain.  I cradle their heads in my hands and kiss their cheeks every night wishing them a good-night before I head downstairs to my domicile.  I break out in cold sweats whenever my mother walks on icy terrain.  I cry silent tears when my father can’t write his own name with his shaking hand.

OMG I love my parents.  So much so that it hurts, you know?  It’s this side of me that’s both my weakness and my strength.  The side that I hide from everybody, but eventually I’m sure it leaks out and once it does, it’s viewed only as weakness.  Insurmountable love.  A sentimentality that stagnates and circles around like a little eddie.  Never to venture off into the blue unknown.  That’s what love is.  It’s the familiar, the net.  It’s what enables you.

Both weakness and strength…

Oh man, yesterdays epiphany was awesome but it’s gone now.  If I weren’t so busy earlier I could’ve captured the remnants of it.  But I leave tomorrow for Thailand so there’s no time.  I must post this unfinished thought.

Shit….

So much left unsaid.

I went to visit my best friend in Minnesota for Thanksgiving last week.  Here’s a video to capture the moments.  Held safe here in my memory bank blog for all the world to see.

I’m so tired.  I’m leaving tomorrow at 2 A.M.  My computer screen is so bright.  I gotta get some zzzz….

It’s now the next day.  I’m beyond tired.  I was so hungover this morning and slept for about 4 hours before having to go to work to give a massage and hand out Christmas cards to my employee’s.  They each got $50 and the 3 girls working today all gave me big hugs and wished me well on my trip.

This trip feels destined.  Like I was never not meant to go.

I need to nap big time, finish packing, take a shower before I leave and that’s it.  Then it’ll mostly be video blogs for the next 36 days.

And so my hero’s journey continue’s….

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Travel, video's

Remembering Henry

I wrote about my friend Henry a while ago.  He’s the poor guy who lived in a ramshackle apartment and had his mom bring him McDonalds for supper every night.

He was in a dire situation then, so it seemed.  Rock bottom from my perspective but no, not rock bottom.  Now he’s at rock bottom.  Or at least I hope it’s rock bottom this time.

He’s been living in the woods behind my house for the past 6 weeks!

I’m supposed to see him tomorrow.  It’s so weird how he’s back in my life now of all times – right after writing a post about how I’ll never help anyone who refuses to help themselves.  It figures of all times he picks now to call me.  It’s just his luck.

In the meantime, I have to prepare for my trip to Thailand.  Prepare my business and employee’s, train a new therapist, go to Minnesota to see an old friend for thanksgiving, pick up the slack from my employee who gave me a weeks notice and dropped 4 days off her schedule, and go to the Thai embassy in New York to apply for a visa.  I leave on December 6.  Well, technically it’s December 7 at 2 am when I start my travels.  Which gives me 11 days to do everything in.

I’m staying 6 days over the 30 day allowance they give visitors to Thailand.  I went on a Trip Advisor forum today and asked what I should do.  One guy told me I may not be able to leave the states if I’m staying over 30 days without a visa.

The closest embassy is in New York, an hour and 44 minutes away from my house….and processing time takes two days which means I’ll have to go back there.

Damn I just want to leave already.  11 days!

Tomorrow I have to pick up my malaria pills which are $120, get two photo ID’s taken at CVS, go to the bank to get $300 in thai money, massage a client, I’m supposed to see Henry, I really need to visit my friend who just had surgery and keeps texting me to visit her, have keys made for my new employee….Go to Stop & Shop for tissues and toilet paper for work.

I hate having stuff to do.  Why do people purposely stay busy?  Why?  It sucks!

I told my parents and my brother about Henry.  I asked them if Henry is stuck outside a homeless shelter with no beds left, can he crash here?  My mom said it’s up to my brother and my brother said no.

The sensor light attached to the shed in our backyard won’t turn off.  My mom thinks Henry is out there.  My brother went and locked the shed up for the first time ever today.  My mom thinks Henry is locked inside it.  That’s why the light won’t turn off.

Some guy I know gave me a matchbox…..

Him – “I want you to bring this to Thailand.”

He hands me a matchbox with no other instructions on what to do with it. I thought they were waterproof emergency matches.

Me – “What’s this?”

Him – “My dog.”

Me – “Ummm, your dog?  You mean his ashes?”

Him – “Yeah.”

Me – “You want me to spread your dogs ashes in Thailand?”

Him – “Yes.  Please.”

Me – “Why don’t you spread them in Alaska?”

Him – “I am.”

I shook the box and a bunch of ashes fell out of it.

I’m tempted to throw the box away.  I’m horrible.  But I hardly know the guy and I have different beliefs than he does.

I don’t care where the hell my ashes end up.  It be cool if they ended up in my hometowns water supply (before filtration of course), but other than that I don’t give a shit so why should I care about ashes from a dog I never met owned by a strange guy I hardly know?

I better catch some zzzz.  It’s late.

And the odyssey of my life continues…..

 

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Miserable Melanie

My crazy aunt and homoscidal cousin are back here living with us again.  My happiness lasted for about a day and a half….

Damn hard day today was.

I had to go into work early for a client I never massaged before.  He was a man with a Groupon – he bought his massage from an online deal site and if I had one of my therapists massage him, it would’ve only cost me $3.

I pay my therapists $10 when they don’t have any clients, and $13 an hour for online deal clients (I know it sounds cheap, but we’re not massaging many deal clients anymore).

So, I went into work and saved myself $3.  I resented being there – I loathed it.  I was only there because of a technical malfunction.  He was a big black man with thick dreads and he kept his shorts on so I couldn’t massage anything above the knee (because his shorts were in the way), he didn’t want to put his head in the face cradle which made it hard for me to massage his neck and shoulders – and he wanted his abdomen massaged.  His thick dreads got in the way of massaging his neck.  Basically it sucked.  He was really nice though…

When the 60-minutes were up and I told him his massage was over, he looked up at me and said, “I thought I had 90 minutes?”

I’m the one who booked the appointment and there was no mention of it being 90-minutes.

Damn.  I massaged him all over again in a half-hour.  He liked it though, so that’s what’s important.

I worked a lot this week and kept reminding myself that starting next week, my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays for me.  I’ll be free.  I always think I’ll be free, but no matter how many therapists I got working for me, I seem to always get booked.

I went home after massaging Mr. Dreadlocks and watched some TV and tried to relax without letting my crazy aunt and cousin eat at me little by little with running water and weird OCD grunts and my aunt saying “I love you, I’ll be right there” to her 45 year old son plugging up his ears and humming to himself – no he has no mental retardation.

“I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.”  I opened my laptop to look at apartments.

“20 more members.  I need 20 more members and I can afford one.”

I started going crazy.  Members.  All I could think about were members.  I need I need, I want I want.  I started spiraling into that dark place of hopelessness.  My whole world revolving around members.

“I need to pay my debt first.  I need more members to pay off my debt.”

“I’m stuck.  I’m stuck here.”

I closed my laptop and took a deep breath and thanked the lord I was going to Thailand.  I thanked the lord for giving me 128 members.  I thanked my new therapist who’ll be taking over Tuesdays and Wednesdays for me.  Thank you thank you thank you!

I went back to work for my last two clients.  One of whom being one of my favorite people to massage.  I made a full recovery out of the spiraling darkness.  How the hell do I do that?  My resilience never ceases to amaze me – seriously!

But then I got smacked in the gut hard with a dagger of a fist.

My new therapist:  “I have to tell you something and it’s not good news, but not horrible either.”

Me:  “Are you pregnant?”

Before she responded to that, I braced myself and remembered to remain calm.  Breathe, just breathe Mel.  Is asking an employee if they’re pregnant considered sexual harassment?  Probably.

New therapist:  “No, I got offered another job with benefits at a hospital and I need to cut my hours.  I can only work Tuesdays starting on the first.”

Me:  “Oh….”

New therapist:  “I feel bad because I asked for all those new hours.”

Is that why you feel bad?  You don’t feel bad because you’re only giving me a weeks notice and I’m going to freaking Thailand in two weeks?!

I didn’t say that, but I was screaming it in my head.  On the exterior, I was calm and understanding.

No no no no oh please god no no no no.

As soon as she left, I went on the schedule and blocked her shifts off before anyone else can book with her online.  Of course she had clients booked up until Dec 22, of course.  And of course she works Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday – why wouldn’t she?  Without her here, I’ll only have one therapist working weeknights for all of December while I’m in Thailand.  And we are BUSY.  We’re actually doing phenomenal here as far as clients and money goes – this month felt like a gift from god monetary wise.  But money means nothing if clients aren’t happy.

“I have to find someone ASAP ASAP!”

I went on zip recruiter to repost my job ad, but my initiation price expired and the price they wanted went up to $100 a month.  WTF zip recruiter?

I grabbed my old pile of job applicants and sifted through them instead.

“no, no, definitely not her, eh, nah, wait who’s this?  Oh yes!  Oh please oh please god….”

I found an application from a girl who applied here in April when we first opened.  I loved her and wanted to hire her but I held back because she didn’t seem confident enough.

I rolled my chair back over to the desktop and typed her up a pleading email.  Well, not horribly pleading, but pleading enough.  I sent it.

I waited 5 minutes.  I waited 10 minutes.  I was just staring at the computer screen.

“That’s all I can do.  I can’t do anything else about it tonight so I should just go home.”

But I didn’t go home, no.  I texted her instead.  She replied with:

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And once again, I made a full recovery back into feeling fantastic.  She’s willing to put in her two weeks at her other job tomorrow.  Words can’t explain how thankful I am.

The girl who cut her hours, honestly I didn’t think much of her anyway.  She’s one of those athletic types, you know what I mean?  Running, lifting, drinking kerotine or whatever it’s called.  I don’t get it.  I’m not saying she’s a bad person, just one of those types who have absolutely nothing in common with me.  It’s always the athletic type that I have the least in common with.  It’s weird because I really like karate and I run to my car in parking lots.

The person I have the most in common with?  My 22 year old puerto rican male therapist.  I adore him!  He ran track in high school, but he did it for fun because he thought he was the fasted kid ever.  We discuss video games and how much we don’t like dating.  And he has a true bona-fide love for people just like I do.  I can see it just by the way he treats people – he really cares.  He treats old people with genuine kindness.  Not to mention he’s a goldmine as far as clients re-booking with him goes.

Male therapist:  “We’re like the same person you and me, it’s scary.”

Me:  “Ha ha, I know!”

This new girl I’m hiring, I feel like she’ll be a narcissistic supply for me, you know what I mean?  One of those people who feeds ego’s.  All my other employee’s make me feel good about myself, sure, but then you meet someone who looks up to you and they hang on your every word more so than normal.  It’s not about love, but admiration and inferiority.

When something inspires you, it’s because you want to find that same hidden gift inside yourself.  It’s not real love, but a key.  Once that lock is opened, the love for the thing that once inspired you is gone and you’re left with nothing but love for yourself.  I know this is true, trust me.

And once you’ve opened the gift inside yourself, you want to keep it by never returning the power back to its source, so you push the original owner of the key down into inferiority.  Gaining power is what happens.  Stupid ego…

This is why celebrity gossip can crush a career.  Why oceans of people can tear a person down who once stood so high.  If celebrities, politicians, or any type of leader can make a mistake, that means they’re no better than the rest of us.  All their greatness gets transferred over to the people judging them.   It’s inspiring to know that great people are no better than the rest, so we keep the offenders far below our stilettos until we get inspired by a new target that is far more superior than anyone who has ever lived in our lifetime!  And then of course, ruthlessly crush them when they fail.

Martyr’s…I guess it’s part of our evolutionary process.

Truthfully, ego-feeders annoy me because of this.  But they have no idea what’s going on, so they can’t help it.

Whenever I’m admired I always I have the thought in my head, “find your own, don’t take mine.”  Because that’s what it feels like.  It feels like taking someone else’s gold nuggets without bothering to find your own.

I end up sounding rude, impatient, or being in a generally bad mood.

It’s a good thing I don’t have many admirers.  It’s a shitty thing to be admired.

 

 

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

My OCD Cousin Who Wants to Kill Me

I haven’t wrote about him in a while.

When I was 25 years old, my aunt and her son moved in with me and my parents.  Now here it is almost 10 years later, and they’re still here.  Well, I shouldn’t still be living here but that’s a different story (next year I’m buying a house!).

So, these two individuals, my aunt and my cousin, are among the two most dysfunctional people I’ve ever met.  My cousin only leaves his room to go to the bathroom and he stays in the bathroom for hours at a time using up all the hot water.  On days he has to poop (usually once a week), him and his mother rent a hotel room so he can take a 20 hour shower after having done his “duty”.

My cousin refuses to allow his mother to buy a car, so she has to rent one.  My aunt blew through $250,000 just on rental cars – money from her deceased husbands life insurance policy.  She used to have a really nice house, but the bathroom floor caved in from mold and water damage and they didn’t keep up with the mortgage payments and had to foreclose.

Today was my mother’s breaking point.

My aunt owes my mom $3000 (money she doesn’t have since her sole job is to look after her son who has to be at least 45 by now [he doesn’t work either]).  And instead of paying my mom back, she pretends to.

Mom – “Where’s the money that you owe me?  My bill came in.”

Aunt – “I put it on the desk.”

There was only $5 on my dad’s desk.

Mom – “No you didn’t, where is it?”

Aunt – “It’s there, or someone took it.”

I wasn’t here when all this went down, but I heard that it ended with a bout of screaming.  Finally after all these years, my mom told her sister to get the fuck out of her house.

Finally!

So now my aunt is staying with my Aunt Rosemary, who just so happens to have a dysfunctional son of her own.

The hard truth is, I don’t care where they go as long as they’re not here.  A big weight has lifted, a dark shadow that hung over our house for these last 10 years is dissipating.

My brother thinks they’ll be back.  They always come back.  For once I’m more hopeful than he is.

Anywho, in other news….

My brother bought out his ex-fiance’s share of their business making him the sole owner of an upscale spa.  They do hair, nails, facials, scrubs, massage – they even have one of those fancy spa-type showers with all thems jets that squirt at you from every angle.

Now that he’s the sole owner, completely detached from his conniving ex, I want to see him succeed now more than ever.  I hate it that his spa is literally two minutes away from mine.  I hate that I can potentially damage his business.

I know it may not sound like a big deal, but in case you don’t know me by now – I feel everything incredibly deep – it cuts right into me.

The best visual I can give you to understand how I feel towards my brother taking on a $175,000 business debt and not knowing if he’ll succeed is this:  Think of a woman cradling an infant.  The woman crying profusely, stroking the infants head and telling it “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

The visual doesn’t make much sense, but that’s what popped into my head.  The bigger my business gets, the smaller his looks.  And he’s trying so hard!

But no matter what happens, I’ll never stop growing.  What I’ve built has too much freaking potential – too much.  I’ll never do hair, nails, scrubs, or the kind of facials he offers, but I WILL get big.  Everyone in town will have heard of us, or know someone that’s a member here.

If I back down now in fear that it will mess up his business, I’ll stagnate.  Before I ever see a profit, I’ll lose.  It’s not any different from my parents letting my crazy aunt and cousin live here.  My parents acquiesced to them and in return they lost 10 years of peace along with $3,000 – my aunt and cousin, never getting better, just growing older and more stupid – maybe resentful even.

I’ll never concede, never acquiesce.  I’ll not give hand-outs to people who take advantage.  People who don’t work or try – especially to those who lie, steal, and scream in your face that you’re the crazy one (what my aunt did to my mom).

I’ll never sacrifice my happiness to replace it with someone else’s misery.

Tomorrow will be my last long day of work in a very long time.  It’s my last Wednesday of being on the schedule and I’m booked – fully booked.  It’s going to suck.  But then it’s just weekends from there on out.

We all have challenges to face.  If there were no ways at winning these challenges, we wouldn’t be faced with them.  There’s always a solution.  For me, the best way to find a solution is to figure out what my desired outcome is (my intentions).  And more often than not, my most desired outcome is freedom and happiness.

If you don’t know what you want, you’ll never get it.  You’ll never find a solution.  And I bet my bottom dollar that everyone’s most desired outcome (when at their ultimate level of clarity) is freedom and happiness.  But our intentions get skewed into mistaking power for freedom and revenge for happiness.  Revenge towards the people who hurt or angered you, and power for it to never happen again.

It’s living in the matrix of our one shared emotional ego web.  Completely entangled, engulfed.

Anyway, I think I’m done for the night.

 

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Filed under journal, My OCD cousin who wants to kill me