Category Archives: humor

Dog Day of Summer

I’m supposed to be furnishing the room upstairs so we can start doing spa treatments up there.  My broken armed therapist is on my tail.

Broken armed therapist – “I went up there today to see how it looked and it’s a disaster!”

But

I

Can’t

Moooovvvve……..

I gave one massage earlier today and went to Koels to buy curtains for the new room and now here I am.  Laying in bed with my dog and my laptop on my lap while watching Knights of Sidonia on Netflix.

I ate lunch and decided that’s it, I’m in for the night.  I love being in for the night!  So what if it’s 3 o’clock on a beautiful Friday afternoon.  So what if I got shit tons of shit to do?

My dog farted.

This is the holiday weekend.  I’m taking a break.  And my friend offered to help hang up my curtains next week, so I’ll just get everything done then.  It ain’t much and I bought everything I need already.

This is true peace for me.  It’s bliss.  Now only if my dog can shut up and stop hogging the bed.

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What Have I Been Up To? Shame ol’ Shame ol’

It’s the beginning of the month and my business is once again killing it. My projected income this time next month is $2,000 more than what I started with this month, $4,000 more than what I had in the bank this time last month.

I’m slowly gaining back my composure but…..

This is a big but…..

My employee’s get paid THREE times in July! This means that I need an extra $3,000 in the bank so I can pay them.

I even out.

I completely even out. Not only do I even out, but I’ll be back in the red-zone. The zone of despair.  Nicking away at my personal line of credit.

My broken armed therapist will be performing shirodhara treatments soon. One of our regular clients told me about them. I won’t go into detail about shirodhara, but It sounds wonderful and my therapist is stoked to do them. So that should help me out a bit in the money department.

I have yet to do my humiliating marketing stunt. It’s been a full week since I started my new “work” schedule (which consists of no work), but each day I find myself busy.

Today I taught my niece how to drive. No one wanted to teach her because they’re all scared, so I volunteered to do it.

Me – “Have you ever met a really stupid adult?”

Alexis – “Yeah.”

Me – “Stupid people are everywhere and guess what? They all have licenses!”

Alexis – “That’s true.”

Me – “If they’re allowed to drive, you can definitely do it.”

She has trouble taking right-hand turns and knowing when she has the right away. Sometimes coming to a complete stop at intersections.

I had to give her lots of encouragement. And to be honest, I love my car but I know it won’t stay new looking forever. I’m not scared of a few dings and dents.

Me – “There you go you got this!”

Me – “Supurb, magnificent. I wish I had gold stars to give you.”

I made her park, back-in, K-turns, drive on the main road, drive to her house, drive to my friends house, drive on the highway and then to the mall.

Alexis – “Driving is actually fun! I like it. I don’t know what I was so afraid of before.”

Me – “Just imagine what else you can do. You can do anything.”

I sound like an awesome aunt, right? Well, all this was happening while I drank beer in the passenger seat and held on to the “oh shit” handlebar above the door.

Me – “You’re a rockstar, look at you go!”

While back at home…..

My bedroom was on fire.

My mom calls my cell – “You are in so much trouble! So much trouble!”

Me thinking that she spotted me with a beer while Alexis drove my car – “What did I do?”

Mom – “Your bedroom was completely lit up in flames!”

Me – “Wha..?”

Oh shit, the candles…..

I bought 2 candles from Amazon the other day, one for prosperity and the other for abundance. I lit them both while waiting for Alexis to get here and I forgot to blow them out. They had paper sleeves wrapped around them with prayers on them, that’s what caught on fire. The paper sleeves.

Mom – “I never saw your father so panicked. He ran around searching for the fire extinguisher like a mad man. I never seen him like that.”

Me – “How bad is it?”

Mom – “I haven’t been down there to see but there’s so much smoke up here.”

My broken armed therapist and my esthetician were talking the other day about these special prayer candles and how well they worked, and me being the impressionable type, bought them immediately.

But they DID work before setting my room ablaze. I made $326 dollars today for doing absolutely nothing.

I want to buy more but my mom says I’m not allowed to have candles in my room anymore.

The damage? Nothing really. There’s a black smoke ring on my ceiling above where the candles where lit, and a thin layer of ash on my dresser. I just smudged a smily face in the center of the black circle on my ceiling.

*********************

It’s now about a week later. It’s raining and I’m laying in bed with my electronic cigarette.

I can’t stop looking at my bank account.

***********************

It’s about another week later and I can’t stop looking at my big toe.

Last year in August, almost one year ago today, I got myself a pedicure in Ecuador.  Now, this pedicure is unlike any pedi I had before.  It was on par with a medieval torture apparatus (I have super sensitive feet), but the polish she used was incredible.  Incalculable lasting strength!  If my nails never grew, they would still look as fresh as the day they were painted.

She used acrylic nail polish.

IMG_2143-1Only a wee bit remains…..

I send updates about my big toe to the girl I got the pedicure with.  She’s the same girl I went to Thailand with.  To be honest, I’m going to be sad when the last of it grows out.  And I think Brianna will be sad too.

********************

Another week later.

Today was my humiliating walk of shame day.  My last resort day basically.  I walked up and down route 10, the busiest street in my hometown, to promote my business.  I was wearing this:

[Image removed due to creepy calls at my business]

Yes I was Iron Man.  No no no, strike that.  I AM Iron Man.

The costume is meant for a 6ft male, so everything hung askew including the helmet.  I had to keep adjusting myself as I walked so I wouldn’t trip over my own feet.

Nobody does shit like this where I live.  Nobody.

All I thought about was my brother driving by and throwing his milkshake at me out of his car window like Daryl did to Prince Akeem in Coming to America.

Here’s the thing, my business is doing splendid lately.  I’m not just breaking even anymore, but gaining momentum.  Not a lot of momentum, but there’s some.

Only for it to be taken away next month when my employee’s get paid 3 times instead of 2.  Plus I’ll need to pay my quarterly taxes pretty soon.

There’s no end to this.  Even with the numbers we’re pulling in this month, it’s still not enough to cover the cost of owning a small business with a receptionist.

But I can look at it this way; this time last year I was working non-stop, still broke-ass as shit and I had a quarter of the members as I do today.

Me last year – “I don’t care how broke I’ll be.  I HAVE to stop massaging.  I’ll pay whatever it takes to not have to massage anymore.”

And here I am one year later with 9 clients on the books this week.  Between Monday-Sunday, I have to work a total of 9-15 hours as opposed to 30-40.  And I hired my friend to clean the bathroom once a week, take out the trash and fill the lotion bottles.

This would have been an impossibility last year.

Anyway, I’m tired.

I’m going to do it again tomorrow.  My Iron Man walk of shame.  At least I get to exercise while marketing my business at the same time!

Iron Man don’t give a shit what people think of him.  He does what needs doing.

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Melanie’s Free Style Writing Raps

What’s this you say?

A poem

Yes a poem

A daft and drafty space

for me to poop on

It’s got no reason

no heartfelt soliloquy

So eat your damn hotdog

with grey poupon silly

I think, but I’m not sure, but yes I do think that this may be the beginning of my idleness.  The door is open and I’m limping out into the sunlight and what do I see?  A world of slow moving, dilly-dallying ice-cream drippers.  A life of no pressure.  A life where you don’t need to eat the ice-cream before it melts.

It’s running down the back of my hand

Creamy cold sticky sweet

My mouth is covered in white

And my shirt is speckled with drops

of delight

I’m talking about melty ice-cream….

My body aches

my shoes untied

disheveled and weary

my brain is fried

Alas this is no more!

I taken myself off

the work schedule-ore!

Yeah, I’m not on the schedule at work anymore.  I am strictly by request only.  I can’t retire altogether from massage, at least not yet I can’t.  But I can make it damn hard to book with me.

This by no means portends that I’m out of hot water.  It just means that I’m done.  Physically, I’m done.  But the hot water is certainly still there.

Burning my feet

red as a beet

I jump out onto cold-

ice but it’s sleek

Thin and brittle it cracks

I bess’ be watchin’ my ass

so I jump on a rock

with a hard place above

and I pound on my confinement and yell

“WHAT THE FOCK?”

I’m in hot water, I’m on thin ice, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

funny-meme-pictures

Where the hell are my parents?  It’s past midnight.  I just ate a cold tube of kielbasa out of a plastic baggy.  I’m all alone here.

My parents are probably at the cottage in Rhode Island living it up with my brother and his girlfriend.  One big party.  While I’m home playing a video game that I already beat and stuffing my face with cold tubes of kielbasa.

At thirty-fucking-five-years-old!

Just give me a minute world…..I’ll join you soon.  Not yet, but soon.  It’s just that you’re so damn demanding of my time that I’d rather hide from you.

My new goal is to garner 50 more members.  I’ll be high rolling it biggie style with gold teeth and shit if I had 50 more members.

My member count now?  After getting rid of the members with declined credit cards and who haven’t been in for a while, my total active member count is 147.  Earlier today, before abolishing the non-paying members, it was 154.

Fuck this shit I swear.  I’m sick of this member count shit.  I’m sick of all this shitty shit that goes on in my head.

Shitty shitty bang bang

in my head

splat goes the sound

of my brains on the ground

Burp fart giggle wriggle

it lies there to jiggle

Shitty shitty bang bang

in my head

What I’m really sick of?  Massaging people.  But you know that already.

I don’t care if you’re handsome

I don’t care if you’re nice

I don’t care if you’re clean

and don’t carry lice

You want me to rub you

with lotion

and oil

and the pain starts in my ass

that I proclaim royal

It’s not personal,

I’m sure you’re grand

It’s just that I’d rather do

something else with my hand

Um, okay, now there’s a weird unexplained noise I’m hearing.

It’s pouring outside.

Oh It’s my parents that just got home.  Where the hell did they go?

Hold on……

The casino of course.

It’s so weird, when I wrote my last post I was a depressed mess and now I’m looking back on it like it never happened.  It’s almost like the person who wrote that post is not me – the person I was, but not anymore.

When did I write it?  Was it yesterday?  I tell ya, when I let go, I really let go.

I don’t want to dive into that crap anymore.  It’s useless crap.  And figuring out why things happen and how to overcome stupid shit is also useless.

There’s something about that thing I wrote at the end tho, the “no effort” part.  That’s about the only part that isn’t entirely useless.

It’s the dwelling that’s pointless.  Dwelling that my brother won’t speak to me because I’m trying to build up my business that was inevitably going to happen?  Why?  Why dwell?

Honestly, it was inevitable.  He should’ve known that and he shouldn’t have bought a spa next to mine.

Anyway, I think I’m all rhymed out for now.  It takes me less time to think up rhymes than it does to actually write normally.

I will join the world soon though.  Right after I get all the members I need.  I have plans.  Big plans to make it happen as soon as possible.

Peace out trouts,

Mel out

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Filed under humor, journal, Odes, Self help, Writing

Stomach cramps to the extreme, enrolling in Husky, and trying to sue a woman for slander all in today’s post

10 years ago I got really sick and sent to the ER for eating an entire loaf of beer battered bread drenched in french onion dip dressing made by the company Tastefully Simple.

You see, I attended a Tastefully Simple party one evening while I was famished and I ate small sample’s of their beer battered bread dipped in french onion dip and loved it so much (because everything tastes amazing when you’re hungry), that I went on ahead and ordered some to make for myself and well, I’m a child when it comes to it.  I can’t feed myself properly.

Anyway, I ended up at the ER with a lousy doctor having no bedside manner telling me I can end up with a colostomy bag and my intestines partially removed.  She said I should get biopsied to see if anything’s cancerous because apparently my insides are a mess.

Well, none of that happened.  I never got a biopsy and never had any part of my intestines removed.  I did however, get a bill for over $2000 which taken me stacks of time and paperwork to finagle myself out of paying it.

Long story long, a few days ago my tummy started up again with the incessant cramping, extreme fatigue, muscle aches and nausea.  It feels like menstrual cramps, but they’re not.

And so like the responsible adult that I am, I called up my landlord whining to him like a baby and asked him to sign me up to Husky because I don’t know how to do it myself and I might die if I wait any longer or worse, have my intestines removed and have to defecate into a bag around my leg.

My landlord helps people sign up for health coverage, it’s one of his many little services he offers.  But there was a bit of transference happening, I ain’t gonna lie.  The guy cares about me and has a ton of experience dealing with sick people.  He was very fatherly to me over the phone and I LOVE when people do that.  Because, well, I am a child.

And so now I’m a proud member of Husky healthcare.  The insurance for poor people which covers EVERYTHING.  They can provide me with food stamps and cell phone coverage if I deem it necessary (which I don’t).

My landlord said that I have to take advantage of it now before I start making money next year because Obamacare is way worse than Husky with their high deductibles and selected doctors.

I laid in bed for most of the day with frozen tater tots on my belly.  I’m going to hold off on seeing a doctor until it’s absolutely necessary simply because, well, shit man I don’t want to get biopsied for cancer.  Can you imagine waiting for those results?  Not for me, no thanks.

But I’m going to look into getting my wisdom teeth removed so they stop f*cking up my mouth and have my eyes checked especially for night blindness.

In other news, Sara Evil, the crazy woman who wrote that nasty review about me, sent me an irate email about how I cancelled her appointments yesterday without her consent.

One of my therapists wrote her an email confirmation explaining that since she was a “no show” for her previous appointment, can she please respond back to confirm it this time.

Then I read the review she left and so logically I had to cancel her – screw that shit.  But I knew in the back of my mind that no matter what I did, she was going to screw us over.  Either by not showing up, or complaining that her appointments got cancelled and guess what?  I was right.

When we cancel a client, they get an automatic email notification saying that their massage been cancelled.

Here’s what she wrote:

I cannot believe you cancelled my appointments because I didn’t confirm with you. You didn’t even give me time to respond. I didn’t get to check my email until 3pm, which by that time I got the cancellation notice. What kind of business do you run? This is ridiculous. I had booked those massages for my husband and I for our anniversary, and was surprising him. So, thanks to you, it was all ruined! I never booked the massage in which you claim I no showed, so I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I had booked a massage, I would surely show up. What is the number you have on file for me?

We have what’s called a “four-handed massage.”  It’s when a client gets massaged by two therapists at the same time.  Well, she booked two of them after having written that nasty review about us.

I tactfully responded with:

Whoa there, settle down. We were all there and you still could’ve came in for your massage but we didn’t hear anything back from you. Have you ever been here before? It looks like you’ve never showed up for any massages you booked in the past.

Thanks,

Melanie

If she responds with, “no I never been there before”, than I can sue her for slander because her email address is tied in with her Yelp review claiming that she has been here before.  But unfortunately, she’s too smart for that and caught on to what I was doing so she never responded.  She’s probably busy making new aliases so she can write up even more false reviews and in which case, I’ll delete my Yelp account.

As far as my Groupons go, they started selling again today.  So even with her review, we’re still getting clients in here.  I sold 20 today and felt the cramping in my stomach subside and the black cloud removed from my heart.

So, whew, right?  Now I just have to worry about my health and honestly, I’m not even worried about that.

I’m back again at being my happy ol’ self.  It was all just another episode in my life, one of several dozen that usually never make it into my blog.  But I have time now.  I have time as long as it’s not a Friday or Sunday – the two days I’m still scheduled to work.

Deep breath Mel, it’s over.

Why does every goddamned thing I go through have to be so freaking gut wrenching?  Literally this time!?

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And the saga continues….

Om num sha body Om num sha body Om num sha body……

b59f61d6b701638f874fb2a16f967258efd8a893

You know that feeling just before your heart gets ripped from your chest?  When a big sweaty Indian man with crazed eyes sticks his hand in your chest (without sterilizing it first) and pulls out your still beating heart so it can burst into flames before your very eyes?

You know that feeling?

Well, I’m feeling it now.  Right at this very moment.  My eyes are wide with fright.

I just hired not one esthetician, but two.  TWO!!!  To do micro-current facials.  I interviewed both of them today, one right after the other and I liked them both.

Shit shit shit.

I must pray.  Do you have any idea how expensive employee’s are?  They’re freaking expensive, that’s how much they are.  Did you know a butt-load is an actual number?  I’m serious.  Butt is a unit of load.  Look it up.

But these girls do it all….Waxing, scrubs, LED light therapy, body wraps – both being experts in the field and placed in top managerial positions at their previous jobs.  I can easily see manager written all of them.

Thank the lord but OM NUM SHA BODY is my chant for this evening.  Every time my mind wonders to something different, but then remembers – I’ll be chanting OM NUM SHA BODY all day today, and possibly into next month and the month after that.

I’m laying in bed.  I just got home a little while ago.  Should I sleep?  I’m already lying here and in my pajama’s…..

OM NUM SHA BODY

Shit shit shit please oh please god.

I hope it works.  I shall part the heavens with my prayer.  I bought a Jesus bobble head for my car the other day and my mother blessed it with holy water.  I’m going to sleep with it tonight.

I’m not religious in the least but when a person is dying, that’s when they pray.  And since I’m having my heart ripped from my chest cavity and all…..

Why don’t they have stuffed Jesus dolls?  Or Jesus action figures like GI Joe, only have it be GI Jesus?  With his 12 disciples, lamb and myrrh accessories.  The Jesus doll can cry holy water and excrete concentrated evil out his bum.  Jesus Pocket instead of Polly Pocket.  Jesus in a barrel instead of monkeys in a barrel.

Okay, so here’s my plan:

1)  Get these girls on the schedule

2)  Announce micro-current facials to my 2,000 clients

3)  Sell 40 more memberships

4)  Rent the two empty rooms upstairs

5)  Hire more massage therapists

6)  Take myself off the schedule so I only work one day a week (maybe two).

And by the summer I’ll be cruising across the country on my motorcycle.

The question is, can this be done?  Can I seriously do this?  By the summer?  Without losing EVERYTHING in the process?!

I written down a few awesome philosophical debates for me and my rational brain to discuss, but I don’t have the capacity for it now.

Rational brain – “……….”

Yes that’s right.  Stay silent.

I wonder if there’s anything to eat upstairs…

temple

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Another reason why the flashlight was a bad idea

To elaborate a little more from my last post.  Carrying a flashlight in lieu of turning the outside lights on whilst hunting zombies in the backyard, is not a smart idea.  First off, If you’re trying to be sneaky by hiding “under the radar” it won’t work.  You’re holding a flashlight!  It has tunnel vision and you can only see things that are directly in front you.

The zombie can see you, but you can’t see him.  Right away he has the jump on you.  However, if you light up the entire backyard with spotlights, you’re more likely to see something that shouldn’t be there than the zombie has of spotting you first.

I just don’t understand my brothers logic for choosing a flashlight for hunting zombies in our backyard while he was stoned last night.  I mean seriously, a flashlight?  Come on bro.

I need to have a talk with him about this.  It’ll gnaw on me.

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The World’s Greatest Nerd

Dr. at the November 29, 2005 meeting of the NA...

Dr. at the November 29, 2005 meeting of the NASA Advisory Council, in Washington, D.C. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m the world’s biggest nerd.

I’m sitting at home excessively watching Cosmo’s with Neil deGrasse Tyson.  It’s already 1 am.

And I just wrote him an email telling him he should try ayahuasca.

“If a guy like you can connect with the spirit realm, having all your questions answered, it will literally change the world!”

“You can go on Ted Talks after your experience with ayahuasca and you’ll no doubt change the world!”

I don’t know how I should feel about myself right now.

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The End is Near

I had a credit card dream two days ago.  I dreamt I bought a new hat, a cowboy hat to be specific.  And it cost me $101,000.

Me – “But it’s just a hat!  A hat can’t possibly cost $101,000.  Someone over-charged me.”

Retail girl – “We’ll look into it.”

Then a cluster of shoppers stood outside the entrance of the store and they were all looking up.  I went over to see what they were all looking at, and that’s when I spotted a tornado.

Me – “Run!  Everybody run!”

I ran back into the store while everyone stood outside completely hypnotized by the swirling colors in the sky.  It was actually beautiful, but I didn’t stick around to see it.

People started getting sucked up to the left and right of me.  I figured that as long as I stayed in motion, it would be harder for the tornado to suck me up.  I was right.  I was safe.

Everything in this dream symbolizes monitory troubles.  Everything except the new hat – new hats symbolize business gains.

I went to work at my new business yesterday after having that dream, and sat down beside my new employee, Holly, behind our one desk.

My employee is great.  She’s young, cute, and came very close to selling a membership the other day.  But…..And this is a huge but….

Now I remember why I love working alone.

We have one large reception desk that I managed to squeeze two chairs behind.  We’re in very close quarters – shoulder to shoulder just about.  And this girl can talk.  Man-o-man can she talk.  Not necessarily crazy garbage talk that makes no sense, but the kind of talk you would expect to hear from a 23 year old fresh face normal everyday lassy.

I was never a normal everyday lassy even at her age.

I couldn’t blog, couldn’t read, I couldn’t fall asleep while listening to an audiobook.  I was stuck there – literally, I couldn’t get out.  Our chairs were jammed that close together.

I wanted to bang my head against the desk listening to her.  I couldn’t pay attention to anything she said – and it’s not that I don’t care or don’t like her, I like her a lot actually.  I just couldn’t do it.  My energy waned and I started looking forward to giving a massage – an escape back into my head.

I officially opened April 18 and today is April 24.  I managed to make almost $1000 ($990 to be exact), since I opened (not counting today).  This is in membership sales, gift certificates, and clients that I massaged during those days, 3 of which I had no clients due to Easter weekend.  So in 3 days, I made $990 (not counting tips).

I know what you’re thinking, “dang girl that’s the shit!”  But to me it doesn’t feel like the shit.  I’m still in freak-out mode.  $990 can’t pay for my rent which is $1250 and due in 6 days.  I’m running out of my personal line of credit, and my employee is there all day today with only two clients on the books.  She is my greatest expense.  Not the rent, not the utilities (I got that bill in the mail today), but it’s her.  Only when she has no clients.

I sold 40 Amazon Local Deals.  I get a check from them May 6 (which I don’t count as earned money until they get redeemed).  I’m also selling 300 Groupons starting May 6.

Groupon upped the amount they pay merchants from $18 a massage, to $20.  My therapists get $12 for massaging Groupon and Amazon Local people.  If they rebook with my therapists, they get $17 for massaging them.

I’m still utilizing my original plan of attack.  Sell Groupons, keep my employee’s fully booked, and wait (pray) for the rebookings.  Once the rebookings start, I won’t have any more dreams about tornado’s.

I’m using Massage Envy’s mode of structure which entails memberships.  If I can sell 60 memberships, I’ll be set for life.  My business will be established and stable with 60 memberships.  I sold 2 in those 3 days I been open.

I’m sitting in my office in Middlefield. I’m here today, tomorrow, and Tuesday is my last day.

There’s no better way to savor the end of an era with a video clip.  My little office may be dying out, but my dream of being a self-made millionaire shall live on.  And okay, I’m a dork with iMovie.

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My Brother’s using my laundry detergent

I’m almost sure he is.  Not only that, but my toothpaste too.

He has the tendency to fall asleep during a movie and the menu screen pops up and plays the same theme music over and over again.  Very loud mind you.

We both live downstairs in my parents split level house.  I have my own enclosed bedroom, while he sleeps on the couch without any real privacy. The place is a sty.

Two nights ago I woke up to the loud repeating theme music playing on the DVD’s title screen.  I couldn’t fall back to sleep with it on.  So I got up, opened my bedroom door and caught him in the act of “cuddling” his girlfriend.  I didn’t care.  I went right over to the TV and shut the damn thing off.

Not to mention there’s never any hot water anymore.

I’m sitting here in my stink hole office feeling thankful that my first client never showed.  My brain is still on autopilot.  I have no time to delve into deep thought.  My cheese is sliding off it’s cracker.

But him using my laundry detergent really irks me.  I need it to wash sheets everyday.  And the other day when I told him I needed to take a shower, he put a load of wash in and set it to warm/cold.

“But there’s no hot water for me!”

“This laundry needs to get done.”

I needed to be at work in an hour.

I switched it on cold/cold the first chance I got.  There was no warm water anyway!

I blocked yesterday off so I could focus on my new office.  I ran around from one store to the next, and stayed at the new office until 8:30 at night – when my stomach could no longer contain its hunger.  And I’m still not done.

I’m so close.  Sheets need to go in the cabinets, lotion bottles need to be filled.  I need to set up my Kuerig, unroll a rug I bought from Ikea, move a bench from my old office into the new.  Mount mirrors in each room, write up a cheat sheet so my employee’s can learn how to book appointments online and oh yeah, hire employee’s.

I can’t do anything while I’m here in this stink hole waiting for clients.

My excitement manifests into frustration whenever I can’t have my way immediately.  I have no patience.

And I’m sick on top of everything.  My phone won’t stop ringing.  Some weird guy just called asking about massages.

My blog will duly suck for the time being.  I must end this post.

 

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Snags

I severed my phone line.  Yes I did.  I chopped it down and threw away the cord.  Why?  Because the last business that occupied my space was a telemarketing company.  There were wires everywhere!  Climbing up the walls and out of mouse holes.  Hanging everywhere like cobwebs.

I went crazy and sliced them all down.  I filled the small dumpster out back with gobs of unused cables.

When I was done, I trudged back into my office like the little soldier that I am and glanced at my office phone.  NO LINE shown on its display.

“Shit.  Oh no come on.  Shit!”

I sat and I pouted.  Too tired and defeated to move.  Too depressed, too overcome with debt, with doubt, with overwhelm.

“What am I even doing here.”

I went home and slept.  I slept until I woke up today at noon.  Still tired, still without energy.  And I called the phone company.  AT&T.

I hate automated answering services.

“This is an automated service.  You can talk to me like a real person.  Please state your problem.”

Me – “I want to talk to a real person.”

“You can talk to me just like a real person.  Please state your problem.”

After about an hour of getting transferred to talk to more robots, and getting hung up on because – “We’re sorry we’re having trouble understanding you.  Please try again later,” I finally been directed to a live person.

Live person – “That number shows up as SNET New England.  It’s different from us.”

Me – “Okay, so I’m not with AT&T then?”

Live person – “It says here you’re with SNET, sorry.  I can’t help you.”

And I was at ground zero again.  This time worse than before.  All the SNET websites out there directed me to AT&T.  They directed me to the same number as before.

And so I called the same number as I did five times previous and got the same talking robot that walked me through the questions I already answered numerous times before.  Only this time, I answered one question differently and was directed to a live person.

“Thank God!”

I told her I severed my phone line.  She told me someone will look at it tomorrow.

“Will I need to be there?”

Her – “No.”

She gave me a ticket number and ended the call.

“But it’s not outside, it’s inside.  Why didn’t she ask me where the phone line was cut?”

Five minutes later another woman from AT&T called and asked me just that.  Where the problem was.  I explained everything.

“This is why we’re here.  Don’t worry, we’ll take care of everything.  The same thing happened to me actually.  Someone will be there tomorrow.”

“Would you be able to have them call me before they come?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you thank you thank you.”

She felt like an angel.  An angel that came to rescue me in my darkest hour.

I had one client today at my other office.  I don’t want to work anymore.  I don’t want my life to be taken over with massaging people over and over again.  Who in their right mind likes this?  Who?

It’s 7:45PM and I should head home.  It was so nice out today and I missed it.  I missed it because I was on the phone with AT&T for most of the day, then had to give a massage.

Life is too short for this.  It goes by way too fast.  My client even told me this.  She’s turning 60 and can’t get over how fast life happens.

Client – “This is sad to say, but I would’ve been happier if I never had kids.”

That comment is besides the point, but just thought I’d share.  I mean shit, right?

All I need is a few more months to stabilize and everything will be okay.  Just a few more months.  It’ll be worth it.  I’ve technically been waiting my whole life for something like this.

The thing I haven’t been waiting for?  Having kids.

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