Pobody’s Nerfect

My friends Mom died a few days ago, another friend of mine almost died from an infected appendix.  My brothers employee’s Mother died.  There is death all around and people go about their day being cruel, uncaring, vengeful, dismissive, and unforgiving.

One of my friends is unforgiving.  Not towards me, we never had a falling out, but towards his friends.  His good friends that love him.

Me – “Have you talked to Smitty lately?”

Him – “Nah I’m sorta not speaking to him anymore.  I haven’t spoken to him since November.”

Me – “Oh geez, that guy loves you.  What happened?”

Him – “All he does is drink.  I’m sick of it.  We went to a concert in November and all he did was drink and smoke.”

Me – “How’s his cancer doing?”

Him – “I don’t know.”

Me – “You know, people always say that time heals everything, but they don’t take into account that sometimes there IS no time.”

Him – “Yeah, it sucks.  He’s his own worst enemy.  He does it to himself.”

Me – “He’s probably depressed as hell.”

I met Smitty once and yes, he’s annoying and drunk as hell.  He has an unhealthy protruding belly, picks apples for a living, and has no one left in his life that really loves him.  I hate seeing this happen because I know what it feels like to be him.  I know exactly what it feels like.  And that one time I met him, he had nothing but the best things to say about Brad.

Smitty – “This guy is great.  He’s the only guy that’s there for me, you know?  He’s a great guy.  I love him.”

Brad also stopped talking to his best friend because he’s sick of him and says he’s an asshole.  He avoids all his other friends who are affiliated with his ex-best friend.

I can’t understand it.  I was like this in high school, but not now.  Not after knowing how it feels.

To me, nothing is more painful to go through – nothing.  If I had loved one’s all around me, caring about me, believing in me – I can take on cancer.  Cancer is less scary and less painful than indifference.

Nobody wants to die, but what’s worse than death is dying alone.

I cry for myself and everyone else that’s hurting.  No matter what I do, I can’t stop it.  I can’t change anything.  All I can do is write about it.

And the apathetic people are hurting too.  They have low self-worth and constantly need reassurance.  If they don’t get reinsurance, they dismiss you and lower your worth.  And turn away from the pain they caused.  And if they consider someone to be “beneath” them, that person won’t mean anything to them because they can’t take anything from them.  Getting validation from someone beneath you is like coming to America with 100 pesos in your pocket – it’s worthless.

All anyone wants to do is take from others.  It’s like money.  Finding someone who’s money is more valuable than your own, is key to the ego’s survival.

Smitty’s money isn’t worth anything.

It’s a cycle of pain – everywhere I see it!  Gossip, maliciousness, avoidance, denial, reassurance to make sure you’re a good person through it all.

I broke the wall into compassion, and once you see it, you can’t turn away.  It makes me want to cry.  It’s like rubber-necking to see a macabre accident.  You can’t turn away.

If you have any idea what I’m talking about, than congratulations.  You’re part of the team that broke through.  It doesn’t mean you can’t turn back though.  It doesn’t mean you’re not immune to the shared ego illusion.  You’re still human.  You can still fall back into gossip, maliciousness, self-denial, and cruelty.

Until you snap out of it, like stepping out from a dream and you wonder, “what the hell am I doing?”

We were all babies at one time, we all have parents that will either die or leave us – which is more painful?  A loving parent who dies?  Or having a parent who is apathetic and dismissive?

The loss of loving parent is less painful than having a parent who doesn’t love you.

We all know loss, or will know loss sooner or later.  If you don’t know love, you’ll never know loss (or vice-versa).  Your life will be lived on the surface – all selfish, quick gains, meaningless.  Apathy is a way of protecting yourself from the pain.  Pain that is necessary into understanding God, understanding compassion.

I see all of this, but I can’t do a damn thing about it.  People taking their pain out on others…And for what?

Brad can easily turn on me.  Apparently it wouldn’t matter if I was dying.  He would turn on me if he knew I talked to his ex-bestie (which I do).

Instead of feeling the pain of “betrayal”, he’ll dismiss me because he’s “above” feeling hurt.  He’s too good for it.

But even if he did sink his claws in and berate me for betraying him, that’s no better.  The only true way to be “above” everything, is to not turn away from it.  The strong, right thing to do would be to confront it with an open heart and never assuming anything.

Hypothetical conversation:

Me – “Yeah I talk to him, we hang out sometimes.  He’s really not that bad.”

And all Brad will hear is:  “You’re wrong, he’s right.  What you’re doing is wrong.  I’m placing more worth on him than I am to you.  I’m purposely dismissing and hurting you because I like him more.”

It always comes down to self-worth.  Self-worth = self-love.

If you have no self-love, you’ll seek it out from others in the form of validation.  When that validation is threatened, your ego stops the chain of empathy, of understanding, and instead it assumes.

Assumptions are the byproduct of your monkey brain.  It’s completely unaware of itself.  They are there for your protection.  An unaware defense mechanism that braces you for the worst.

Brad gives little worth to his friend.  It’s easy for him to do this.  And by him knowing how easy it is, he’ll fear that others will do the same to him.

I know it’s hard to understand, but this is how karma works.  Whatever you’re capable of doing to others, you’ll fear others will do it to you.  Because it’s easy.  And mark my words, your fears WILL come true.  And keep coming true over and over again until you forgive yourself and awake from the dream.

But you always have the choice of denial, and to live superficially – there is always a choice.  You can choose who you’re apathetic towards.

I know all this because I lived through it – I experienced everything Brad experienced, experienced all that Smitty’s experiencing.  I too have been dismissive and have easily dropped people from my life – people who cared about me and were hurt by me.

But I didn’t see their hurt, I only saw myself.  I only saw myself and looked at them as being annoying – throwing money at me that’s not worth a damn.

I didn’t care.

I know all this because I was an apathetic asshole.  I also remember stepping out of it like it was a dream and I was beginning to awake from it.  Only, I didn’t know it at the time, what I was waking up from.

When I first met Brad, I thought his dismissiveness towards others was a strength.

Brad – “If someone wrongs me, I just stop talking to them altogether.  It’s no big deal for me.”  He shrugs his shoulders and made a flippant hand gesture.

What I saw as his strength, I now see as his weakness.  His weakness of not letting love in.  If you don’t know love, you’ll never be hurt.

One of my friends wants to do ayahuasca with me again.  She gave me a list of retreats and is now asking me to pick one.

Ayahuasca is NOT fun.  It’s transformative, informative, connects you with spirit and light.  It’s just getting there that’s not fun.  The purging, the fear, the eyes that gaze at you.  Seriously, what’s with the eyes?

I just got the chills.

I saw one eyeball when I did ayahuasca.  I saw it with my eyes closed.  It matched the color of the dark black screen behind my eyelids, and it was a clear definitive outline of an eye.  Just about everyone see’s them.  Why?  Why eyes?  They have lids and blink benevolently at you.

It’s the fact that they’re common is what freaks me out.  There must be a shaman out there who can explain what the ayahuasca eyes are all about.

I’m going to ask a Yahoo Answers question and see what comes up.  I’ll post the answers for you.

Damn, how did it get to be 2:30 in the morning already?

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6 Comments

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

6 responses to “Pobody’s Nerfect

  1. Ava

    Heuristics and the “Melanie Wilkes Syndrome in -reverse”… The key to understanding human nature and our biases and my favorite subjects…you captured both in this one. When are you going to head out my way?!?! :)

    • I never heard about Heuristics, but it makes perfect sense that people do that. It’s like following a pre-determined algorithm so nobody has to think or feel for others. It’s been a while since I read Gone with the wind, so I don’t remember much about Melanie.

      My plan is to start my own business, get it stabilized and running smoothly on it’s own, and if I have enough in the bank, I’m going to buy a Honda Grom and go cross-country to see you. That’s my goal, but so much work needs to be done until then. I hope it gets done by summer.

  2. If you don’t know love, you’ll never know loss. That sentence said it all for me! And you’re right in that loss is loss. There’s no scale of loss when it comes to those we love.
    Just read your reply to Ava’s question and wish you all the best in your goals for the coming months!

    • Thanks Carolyn! It’s such a stressful time for me, but then again, all times seem to be stressful. At least for the past 3 years or so. It’s good though. It’s growth. It’s bettering myself.

      It sounds like you’re one of the few who broke through the wall of compassion. It’s as much of a blessing as it is a heartache. Life is truly crazy if you really think about it.

      I’m so tired. It’s 3AM. I have to sleep. Thanks for the comment!

  3. Ava

    Heuristics are shortcuts people use in decision making, built in biases, if you will. Melanie Wilkes was incapable of seeing bad in anyone else, because she only had good inside her. Good luck with the business. Hoping to head to Eden in a few months if the chance pops up. Would be great to see you there! xoxo

    • Ah I see. I’m so tired, it’s 3 AM and I just got home not too long ago. I have so many clients tomorrow :(

      That’s a great depiction of Melanie Wilkes. I can probably write a future blog post about it lol. Man, I wish I can write about it now actually.

      But I’m so tired….

      Eden was definitely awesome. It was a perfect trip to take before my big trip to Spain. I’d like to go there again. If everything works out smoothly enough, I’ll be able to meet you there. Life is crazy enough for it to actually work out.

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