I want answers. I want to find answers. I just don’t know the questions. If I knew the questions, I can fixate the hell out of them and find some kind of understanding, a recognition of truth.
But I’m bone dry. My curiosity has shriveled up like it jumped into some ice-cold waters. Thoroughly depleted, cold, and shrinking.
The thing is, all I want to do is sleep. Sleep is all that I want.
I feel like I can sleep for years without missing anything. Just lay here in the quiet and exhale. To finally exhale and lay down my burdens – lock them up in the tool shed in my backyard.
I’m tired of being human. I’m tired of being owned.
Why is it that every time I embark on a call to adventure, I never feel rested enough?
“No, no I need more sleep, more time.” I say.
And instead of sleeping, I push sleep aside and fixate on questions.
Not this time, no. This time I’m laying down my burdens for real. I’m actually going to go to sleep. Like a baby.
My advice to anyone who’s tired all the time, my advice is to not deny yourself sleep. Don’t be ashamed of napping. Embrace napping and going to bed early – you are growing inside just like babies grow. And you won’t be like this forever, but the longer you put off sleep, the more you’ll get sucked into your burdens. The more you’ll bitch about them. The more you’ll narrow your world and slip into either depression or ecstasy – both can happen when you fixate.
Sleep is a letting go, a great exhale.
I exhale constantly everyday, whenever I get a moment to lay down (my burdens), I exhale. I never realized I did this until someone pointed it out to me because they taken offense to it – like I was exasperated or something.
Was I exasperated? I don’t know, maybe. Most likely yes. I was. I usually am anyway. From not allowing myself sleep.
But you have to rest the right way. With no shame. Guilty napping doesn’t count – it cancels itself out.
This is why I promote isolation at times like these. Being completely and unmistakably alone. When you are alone, you’re not being pulled.
The best naps I’ve had in my life were at work in-between clients. I lay on my massage table, turn the lights low, candle’s lit, table warmer on, and I melt. I relish it. Words can’t describe how much I love it.
I’ve never felt this way in my life. I’ve never had an isolated napping place. It is truly my happy place.
I isolate myself with the door being locked, no one looking for me, no one getting in. I’m safe. Unburdened. It’s out-of-this-world kind of awesome.
I suggest that everyone finds a place like this. It’s necessary for growth and expansion.
Okay, I’m done. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll find questions to answer, but for now I’m going to bed early. I have much to do in the coming days.
I need to find a larger office and hire people.
I’m taking you with me on my step-by-step rags to riches journey. Money is not what’s important here, but playing the game and instilling faith in myself is. This is my new call to adventure. After that, buying a motorcycle and going cross-country. If I can do it all this summer coming up, I’ll pee myself.