The embarrassment of reading old blog posts

My little bout of depression changed me.  When I surrendered myself to it, I let go of all my fixations.  I let them go so I could stop being depressed.

Now here I am days later and I’m starting to see them more clearly.  I’m becoming aware of them.

I get crazily transfixed on things!

Today was my recovery day.  I’m recovering from my alcohol poisoning stint from yesterday.  I did nothing but play around on the computer and venture into old posts to reread them.

“Oh no I sound crazy.  I sound preachy.  Make it stop make it stop!”

I get incredibly transfixed on things!  I always thought it was the gift of focus, of curiosity, but no.  It’s the ramblings of a mad woman.  And whats crazy about it is, I completely forget the things I write about and revisit the same topic over and over again.

My brain was popping with incomprehension yesterday, but today I’m comprehending too much.  It’s like I’m reading my posts for the very first time.

I write about letting go, always about letting go – but that’s the one thing I can’t do!  The one thing I didn’t even know I wasn’t doing.  I became transfixed on finding truth and answers.  Figuring out why people do what they do – I was transfixed and could NOT let go.

My brain feels all cloudy and bogged up.  My ears are blocked.  Between my 2-day depression and yesterdays near-death panic attack, it rewired my brain.

That’s the crummy thing about writing a blog – seeing who you really are.  But you don’t see who you really are until you’re somebody else.  And today I’m somebody else.  I’m a person reading a blog written by a girl who didn’t know she was ill.

We’re all crazy and I can’t escape being crazy either.

Just like when I play spider solitaire.  I can play the same game for days and days, restarting the same hand I was dealt over and over until I win.

“There has to be a solution.  There’s got to be an answer.”

I couldn’t let go until I found a solution.  Spider solitaire gave me hope that no matter how dire the circumstances, there is always a solution.  If I didn’t find a solution, not only do I lose my game, but I lose hope for life.  I lose hope in thinking that maybe there really isn’t a solution.

I actually believed this.  Well, subconsciously I did.

Not all my posts are crazy, but the one’s that are, I remember transfixing myself on finding a way out.  I wasn’t opening myself up to awareness, I was closing myself in.

This is the first time I’m truly embarrassed of old entries.

5 Comments

Filed under All about me, journal, Self help

5 responses to “The embarrassment of reading old blog posts

  1. Ava

    No brain taffy! Stop pulling! It’s ok to look back on something you’ve written and to feel a little sheepish, but that’s a result of only being in a different place now… Don’t dwell, continue the journey proud of how far you have come and armed with the knowledge that you still have far to go. Be at peace! xoxo

  2. It’s only embarrassing if you never learn. It is what it is. Job well done.

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