Melanie writes about self-worth, self-analyzing, karma, trust and Johnny Carson

Creative people who don’t know they’re creative, are crazy and need prozac.  Creative people who know they’re creative, are crazy and need prozac.  I can’t win.  But neither can you, because we are all creative.

Having experiences is food for the soul.  You feed your soul and the heart digests everything you give it.  After digestion, the heart excretes experiences into feelings (not to say that feelings are excrement, but they can sometimes feel shitty).  Feelings are only felt with experiences is what I’m getting at.

I feel very deeply, but who’s to say it’s more than what other people feel?  That’s where people go crazy.

We are not alone in our feelings.

I allow experiences into my heart.  If my head gets in the way by analyzing all the shit I feel from experiences, that’s where crazy comes from.  It comes in the guise of thought and analyzing.

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Think about it (or don’t think about it), when your mind meddles in the affairs of the heart, you’re doing so as a way to overcome how you feel, or control it.  You will never win this battle my friend.

Controlling how you feel can form itself into selfishness, narcissism, despair – feeling alone with limited connection to the world.  Becoming afraid of feeling those feelings again – but it’s not those feelings you should be afraid of, it’s your own cycle of thought that you use in deciphering something that can’t be put into words.  It simply is, let it pass.

Creative people (which is everyone), get stuck in finding ways to express themselves.  They don’t have clarity, only thought.  Thoughts are not clarity.  Feeling is clarity because you know how you feel!  Don’t let the mind tell you how or what you should be feeling.  This can lead to struggle and suffering.  It’s being unable to let go.

The way out is in.  And the way in is through expression – pure unadulterated expression.  When you reveal your true self, the demons in others will also be revealed.  They’re revealed simply because they have no place to go, no place to latch onto.  Demons like dark places.

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This is the way to truth – the only way to truth.  People are often left with seeing who they truly are while in the company of a person who lives from the heart.  However, if their denial is strong enough, they will never be able to see it (read this post!)

My way of expression is found in my writing.  It’s my venue for letting my feelings bubble up and emerge.  And without my brain to decipher them, they are felt as pure energy whether they be negative, or positive, it’s energy.  Pure light.  You HAVE to let this energy OUT!  It’s the power source of creation, of belief, of love.  My potential feels limitless, which brings me to the topic of self-worth.

When I was in Spain walking 500 miles to Santiago, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of self-worth.  I never thought about it before.  I knew about confidence and self-esteem, but self-worth?  It never infiltrated my mind – I never truly felt it.

Self-worth is not about thinking yourself better than others.  It’s more than comparison, more than your accumulated valuables or schooling.  It’s unparalleled to anything that can be taught – it can only be experienced.  And perhaps the best way to truly experience it is by stretching yourself by doing something that scares you.  You accomplish something that scares you and in turn, you realize that you’re just as good as the next guy.  You kill your limitations.

self-worth

Self-worth is an unparalleled feeling of equality.  That we are all here together, all equals and should be treated as such.  When you find everyone to be of equal value to yourself, only then can you feel your self-worth emerge.  No greater, no lesser – complete equals.  It’s there where it is truly felt.

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And I’m not just talking about race, religion, orientation, sex – all that is superficial garbage and should not matter anyway.  I’m talking about something much deeper that’s stenciled into our DNA.  I am here just like everyone else.  We are all on the same time-crunch.  If you believe you’re not good enough, you will always experience life as the lessor.

Finding and experiencing your self-worth, makes you see that confidence and self-esteem are merely add-on’s, inconsequential bystanders.  Self-steem and confidence are thoughts, not feelings.  They are stories you tell yourself to power yourself up – they are beliefs conjured up, trying to make sense of the feelings in your heart.  Just as self-esteem and confidence can make you feel powerful, they can also bring you down.  They end up owning you.  Your thoughts own you.  When you look to find answers as to why, it will always come down to your inability at feeling your own self-worth.

Confidence and self-esteem are confined to the ego (duh).  They are confabulations derived from your desire to feel special, unique, or more worthy of love and attention.  Self-worth however, is the opposite.  It lets you see that you are not more deserving, more special or more unique than anyone else.

But…

That you are equal in every way shape and form, you are equal.

Self-worth is the great equalizer and can only be felt with humility and respect for others.  And trust me, when you feel it – it’s the most powerful antidote to any self-depricating thoughts or beliefs.  It’s true knowing, true feeling.

Self-worth comes from the heart and when you analyze it through thoughts, can lead you down the narrow road to narcissism.  And everyone’s narcissistic to some degree.

It just is what it is, let it go.

How do I know all this?  I’m discovering the difference between what is heart-felt and what is brain fuzz.  Beliefs formed out of fear, or by the thinking brain are not heart-felt.  I’m not thinking my way into understanding any of this, I’m merely stating what is felt in my heart.

God is in our hearts in the form of truth and wisdom.  It’s our ego’s that eff everything up.  To see it happening, to see the ego work and then see the truth in your heart – that’s where progress happens.  That’s how we evolve into our higher, stronger selves.  But most people lose the battle, or get occupied with the patterns of life.  They stop reflecting, accepting and surrendering.

When what’s in your heart is different from what’s in your head, you will experience pain and suffering.  It’s inevitable!

I feel like everything I write is all common knowledge, but also that everyone’s too busy to acknowledge this kind of everyday wisdom, so people forget.

Anyway, I finished watching that Johnny Carson documentary on Netflix.  His Mother was one of those “bad friends” who never accepted him (read this post).  I hate to say I told you so, but Johnny’s apathetic mother made him into who he was.  Bad friends teach you how to be better!  But at a cost.

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Johnny was never taught unconditional love or forgiveness, so he dropped many people from his life that supposedly wronged him.  He lost trust in many friends he considered close.

This is pain and suffering.  His heart was not harmonious with his head.  Instead of looking into his heart, he blamed others for his pain.  The power of forgiveness is always undermined by the ego.

As I wrote before, trust is a byproduct, one of those inconsequential bystanders produced in the head.  When you’re in the light, trust is not a factor.  When you don’t trust someone, you in turn, don’t trust yourself.  It’s the cycle of karma.  One demon passed down from one person to the next.  I know you don’t understand, so let me reiterate it with a worst-case scenario story.

When you’re scared of people, when you don’t trust them, it’s because subconsciously, you’re capeable of inflicting the same amount of pain they caused you if the tables were turned.  If a woman were to be raped and beaten, becoming scared of her captor, if she had the chance she would inflict even greater amounts of pain onto her rapist for revenge.  What’s in her heart, is the same cycle of hate that’s in her abusers.  The burden carries over.

By Johnny cutting off all ties with his nearest and dearest, he’s inflicting more pain to his so-called friends than what they bestowed onto him.  It was in his heart to do so.  And because it was in his heart, that’s why it happened – karma.  Your fears will happen.  It’s the ouroboros, the snake eating its tail.  The universe wants us to learn forgiveness and to let go.  The more traumatic the experience, the more powerful the lesson.

Little kids getting molested have to learn forgiveness as they get older.  Nuns getting raped, genocide…etc.  It’s all a lesson – a horrible lesson, don’t get me wrong, but everything that happens, happens to bring us closer to our higher selves.

I’m not saying you should go out galavanting in the poorest drug infested neighborhood wearing your sparkling best sunday suit, no, don’t do that!  I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight back when your livelihood is in jeopardy – it’s you’re duty to fight back!  And you must always fight for your equality.  I’m just saying BE MINDFUL, be aware.

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I know that whole trust thing is a bit far flung and hard to swallow.  But I really did feel it in my heart as some kind of clandestine wisdom.  I felt it so clearly, so plainly.  We are capable of inflicting the same pain.  And as long as we’re capable of doing that, karma will backfire on us.  Many victims become abusers.  It’s statistics, look it up I ain’t lyin’.

woman-beating-man

Trust people to be who they are and take the proper precautions.  Don’t judge them for who they are, just accept them as is.  Don’t factor yourself into the equation, don’t attach to the situation.

This is turning out to be a long post.  I originally wanted to write about my dear friend Stephanie who has worked up the gall to follow her heart and return it to the place she considers home.  This involves complete overhaul and demolition of her structured patterns and living situation.  She’s confronting her fear of not feeling comfortable and safe.  That’s where most of the patterns come from – feeling comfortable and safe can feel better and more reasonable than following your heart which is considered intangible or silly.  I don’t want to put her life online like I do mine (but she doesn’t mind me writing about her, so…), I’ll just say that she was the quintessential American paying her taxes and unhappily working 9-5.

After a few years, she became drowned in debt, typical of the American culture of consumerism, and reduced to living in a house that owned both her and her husband.  The things she acquired to reassure her of her safety and comfort, ended up boxing her in.  Creating a prison.  Being slave to her own life, her own belongings.  She had to suffer a long time before she was able to have the strength and courage to confront it.

And that’s exactly what this life is all about!  I’m telling you.  It’s about pain, it’s about suffering – they are needed to evolve and strengthen us.  They are necessary access points into believing in ourselves.  And it’s working!  She’s actually changing!

But, and this is a big but, this is a very delicate time for her.  The transformation process can be full of doubt and confusion.  A simple passing statement can set her back to the beginning.  The slightest doubt or whisper of fear can ripple into more obstacles – more obstacles that are meant to strengthen her resolve, not weaken it.

The thing that’s working in her favor, the one thing that most everybody lacks is that she know’s exactly what she wants.  Most people don’t know, or are in too much denial to know, or feel that it’s too much effort and would rather carry the weight of it than facing it.

I want her back here.  My heart always belonged to Stephanie, and so of course I want her back here.

The thing that I’m in denial over is my need to move out of my parents house.  I’m comfortable here, safe and loved.  I always have something to eat and no one bothers me – there’s zero stress here.  I never believed that by moving out could somehow transform me into a responsible adult – I never believed that.  But it is hindering me.  I had a deep understanding of how and why it’s hindering me, but I lost it.  I’m in so much denial and fear of leaving that my insight didn’t stay long, but it was definitely there.  I understood it.

Sorry for the long post.  I won’t feel bad if you skip it.

12 Comments

Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

12 responses to “Melanie writes about self-worth, self-analyzing, karma, trust and Johnny Carson

  1. Steph

    Yea!! I can’t wait till I’m back in CT!!!

  2. Fanny

    Dear melanie,
    Felt like sayin’ it to you for a while now but it’s only today I’m deciding
    to tell you how much you are inspirational, how clear and fluid your words and thoughts are. Your writing is awesome, you reallly are awesome !
    Don’t know if it’s good for the narcissistic side, but who cares ?
    Be blessed.

    • Thank you so much! That means so much to me you have no idea. I want to be absolutely clear and fluid in my writing because I figure that if I can get my writing to match exactly what I’m feeling with complete clarity, than I nailed it. That’s the most important aspect of writing to me – complete clarity. It’s a challenge every time, a fun challenge. I learn something new each time. It’s fun being a narcissist because it keeps me striving to achieve perfection in the eyes of others :D
      There’s a lot of good things that come along with being flawed, most people are just to ashamed to see it.

  3. Fanny

    You’re welcome.
    For me, you handle very well being crystal clear.
    One can feel your requirement for being as faithful as possible to your
    heart’s voice.
    Like for example when you talked about your friend Brad, in the headache post if I remember well ( but I could name so many others…), it is so profound
    and yet so simple, it’s flowing…
    Your openness and honesty are True Power.
    You do make a difference !

  4. Pingback: The Secret Deciphered: Part One | Melanie's Life Online

  5. Pingback: The Secret Deciphered: Part Two | Melanie's Life Online

    • Lol it’s so funny you say that because I’m literally in the market for a new coaster. I went on amazon last night to look at them and see if any hit my fancy.
      So far, that one’s my favorite.

  6. Pingback: The Secret Deciphered: Part Two (again) | Melanie's Life Online

  7. Pingback: Tips on how to live from your heart (it’s long but it’s good!) | Melanie's Life Online

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