I <3 Me

20130719-001201.jpg

20130719-001209.jpg

Okay, so that takes care of that.  It’s the honest to gods truth and I know I sound like a superficial prick, but hey what can you do?  When you put yourself out there like that, you have to expect to get hurt.  I put myself out there everyday and manage to get hurt on a consistent basis.  What goes around comes around and I’m equipped to take my punishment like a man.  It gets easier the more you face it.

As long as I stay mindful and honest with no hidden conspiracies to hurt others,  I can handle what others dish out by taking comfort in knowing that I did nothing wrong.  It’s their problem, not mine.  I’m off the hook.  When all your cards are on the table, you pretty much have nothing to hide behind, nothing to lose.  It’s the price of being awesome.  And I’m as awesome as they come.

Unfortunately, my awesomeness makes everyone else around me seem insane.  It can make me incredibly impatient, cranky and I start to feel more isolated than ever.

I look at everything like a game.  I’m the superhero and It’s my job to conquer the dark side, my own and others.  And okay, maybe I’m a tad masochistic.  Feeling hurt is better than not feeling anything at all.  I pride myself on being human with a big heart.  Ayahuasca gave me a cheat code for unlimited heartaches – a kind of resilience that most people don’t have.

UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START.

I give up on understanding why people do what they do and instead focus on what I do.  I’m the only thing that makes sense in my world, so why not ground myself in that?

I’m trying to follow my heart.  Everyday I listen to it.  Where’s it going to take me?  Who am I going to meet today whom I can give my entire attention to?

I’m in work waiting for my first client.  Work kills me.  It’s the best job ever – everything about it I love.  I love the people that come to see me, I love my hours, my freedom, the money – it’s fantastic, but it still kills me.  I want to keep moving, just get up and go and keep moving but I’m stuck here while it’s nice out.  Summer is not my season to hibernate.

You know what I really want to do?  What my heart is breathlessly waiting for?  A motorcycle.  I got my license years ago but never had any money for a bike – well, now I have money!

When I was in Spain, I came across a mini motorcycle looking thing.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  It was the perfect replica of a full grown motorcycle, only in cuter proportions.

“Oh I want one!”

I took a picture of it.

IMG_1190

When I got home, I looked up the make and model (Honda Grom) and found out they are coming to the states next month starting at $3,000.  I want one right now.  Right now I want one, but I’m afraid it will have to wait until next year.  But we shall see….There is always hope.

So, I’m still on that pilgrimage high.  I want to keep doing, keep following my bliss, following the fun.  I want to draw, paint, write, sing, dance, play the guitar…etc.  Honestly, it feels wonderful.  I am unblocked.  Do you know what I mean?

God I want that bike….

Damn it’s raining out.  I’m supposed to go to the Yale New Haven Cabaret theater tonight so I brought a dress with me and cute sandals to match, I straightened my hair but it’s freaking raining out!

First client done, now it’s time for my dancing & singing break.

16 Comments

Filed under journal, random thoughts

16 responses to “I <3 Me

  1. Jim E

    Melanie,
    I think you handled your “admirer” very well indeed. Being honest and straight forward is so rare these days that it just plain seems weird to anyone who is “playing the game”. Brownie points to Mel!

    As for motorcycles, I will speak from two vantage points.

    First, as the father of a motorcycle crazy son: Be very careful, wear your helmet, look up the term “road rash”.

    BUT… from the opposite standpoint, I recommend you check out the British movie “Heartlands” for a wonderful story about a guy and a small motorcycle and a cross-Britain road trip that no doubt will resonate very deeply with you.

    Take care!

    • That movie sounds like me! I want to take my little bike cross-country. I’ll see if I can find the movie on Amazon or netflix.

      Thanks for the brownie points! I should’ve said no straight away, but he caught me by surprise and my first reaction was to say yes. But then I thought about it and knew I would end up crushing him even more into his depression.

  2. Hey, just wanted to say welcome home and tell you how much I loved your blogging the camino and the rest of your adventures in Spain. How did you film and edit the videos?

    • I used the app iMovie for the iPhone 5. It’s really easy to use and only costs about $5. Thanks for keeping up with my blog the whole time! There will be more adventures, this is only the beginning. I will keep writing and recording until I’m grey and wrinkled.

      • I just got finished watching Heartlands. Cute, but it’s no ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ [nor does it try to be]. Thanks for the info about your movie software, Melanie. Did you shoot those all yourself?

        • I was in the middle of watching the heartlands when Verizon texted me saying I used up 75% of my data allowance. I’m going to have to wait until I get home to watch the rest.

          I shot all the footage myself. The iPhone 5 has a forward facing camera so I can see myself when I shoot video. I absolutely love technology.

          • Well, you really made great use of it. I lost track of you toward the end when I went away to celebrate my bday [and there was no internet] and then I started a big social media project for a new client in Minnesota but I loved every minute of what I saw. It was cool to watch the Martin Sheen Camino movie but I loved your version, too… :-D

            Your blog is such a great example of the power we have to self publish. Was it hard to get bandwidth to upload?

            • Some days it was very hard finding a fast wifi connection to upload videos. I’m not sure how to read bandwidth, but I’m sure it was slow almost everywhere. When I did find a decent connection, I made good use of it. I uploaded using the lowest resolution possible so I’m really happy to see they didn’t come out terrible.

              I’m so happy you enjoyed my videos! Hearing that inspires me to go on more adventures, shooting more video’s. I can’t think of any better way to capture my life this way. I live and by living, I add more to my blog and in turn, my blog add’s more to me – and in some cases, add’s to others as well.

          • Did you see my question about the bandwith? In my experience I’ve had a difficult time finding bandwith in Europe especially when I’m on the road. What was it like on the Camino?

  3. Melanie, I have cruised the Western US several times on Harleys and my second wife was also killed riding behind me in 1999. I am strongly considering another one. I dont care about riding to the local bar. I like to ride to Canada or such. Live your passion. I almost forgot how. Steve

    • You’re living your passion Steve, you just walked across Spain! Everyday you have to ask yourself if what you’re doing, does it make you happy? And if it’s not making you happy, you have to change it. It’s really simple once you get the ball rolling :D
      And it’s fun! Listen to music you love and dance and sing to it to pump you up – works for me.

  4. Jim E

    I think Steve also just showed you both sides of the coin too.

    Heartlands is on Amazon Instant Video for $2.99 and well worth the rental. Watch it then you can tell me I was right. :)

    http://www.amazon.com/Heartlands-Michael-Sheen/dp/B0088BIQD6/ref=sr_1_1_vod_0_ren?ie=UTF8&qid=1374445564&sr=8-1&keywords=heartlands

    • Awesome thanks for the link. I feel like watching it tonight but I’m in rhode island and only have my laptop. Hmmm, what to do….I might watch it tonight on my laptop. If not I’ll definitely watch it tomorrow.

    • I just finished the movie. That Collin guy reminds me of me, kind of innocent and wide-eyed. It was a really good movie, thanks for the recommendation. I don’t want to wait all the way until next year for my cross-country motorcycle adventure. What will I do until then?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s