I’m the type of person who doesn’t get angry, resentful, jealous or humiliated. It’s not that I’m above any of it, or that I’m too good for it, or incapable of feeling those things like I’m some kind of sociopath, no.
Before you stop reading or rolling your eyes in disgust, hear me out. I’m not full of shit. And let me tell you just how unbelievably damaging it is not to feel these emotions.
When a person get’s angry at another, they blame the other person, never themselves. They judge them for being discriminating, unfair, or narrow-minded.
I’m one of those people who instead of getting angry, I turn it all inward and blame myself. I ask myself what I did to cause everything and what I can do to make it all better. I don’t get angry at anyone, I only feel hurt and ashamed of myself. How can I be angry at anyone when everything’s my fault?
I feel ashamed of myself because I agree with the person shaming me. I agree with them because I trust them. I trust them because I trust myself.
You can’t trust anyone more than you can trust yourself. You give people the same amount of trust you give to yourself (this is the same for love). The clearest way of describing this so you can understand, would be to examine validation. This was a lesson MB, the last guy I dated, taught me.
He didn’t trust himself to be lovable. He didn’t consider himself lovable. So if a person likes him or shows interest, he doesn’t trust it. He doesn’t trust them because he has no faith or trust in himself. And instead, he relies heavily on validation. Always wanting and needing it to fill the void in him. The void of not believing that he is lovable. The void of believing that he’s not enough.
I trust others because I love and trust myself. So when someone get’s angry with me, or tells me a falsehood that I take for truth, I turn inward and ask myself, “what the hell is wrong with me?”
Like a little girl getting yelled at, I did something wrong. I cry. I don’t stomp away in defiance holding my chin up high, no. I slump away feeling rejected, feeling not worthy of any love or belonging. I’m not the person I thought I was.
I trust people not to hurt me, and when they do, I blame myself.
You can argue by saying, “but Melanie, if you really love and trust yourself, than you would get angry at the other person for being wrong and pinning the blame on you. You would stick up for yourself.”
Yes you’re absolutely right! But this is where I’m different. I turn everything inward to find answers. We all do it to some degree. I do it when there is no empathy in the other person. I’m not only hurt by their words, but hurt by their lack of empathy. I turn inward to find where the connection was lost. I can’t escape the blame.
It’s incredibly damaging, but at the same time, irrevocably evolving. I use that pain to strengthen me. I strengthen myself with empathy and understanding, which only exacerbates my growth.
If I worked at an office and someone on my level got promoted before I did, I wouldn’t get jealous. Instead I would feel that I don’t belong in the higher-ups. I need more work, more confidence and strength in myself, but I will in fact get there. I can get there if I wanted it badly enough.
If friends get married before I do, I don’t feel resentful, I feel hope. I feel inspired. Just the same as watching people getting promotions.
“If they can do it, so can I.”
Trust and faith.
As for humiliation, if someone humiliates me, it’s the same as thinking, “what the hell is wrong with me?” I don’t blame it on my behavior, behavior is just a symptom, not the cause. I blame everything on who I am. This goes beyond transitory mistakes and poor judgement – it hits home in the heart my character. It’s not about what I do, it’s about who I am.
This is shame, and it’s devastating.
When people live in and hold onto shame, it’s the number one cause of addiction, depression and suicide.
Feeling jealous, resentful, humiliated or angry, diffuses the negative energies onto others. Holding it in like I do, wrecks me.
The way in which I operate, is the perfect formula for a perpetual cycle of devastation followed by rebirth.
And because of this, I suffer from adrenal fatigue. I always look unkempt, without make-up, my hair a mess, wearing whatever I find first in my closet because I can’t take the time to care about it. I’m just too tired. Too tired all the time. All I want to do is write in my blog or drink beer with good friends.
When I write, it relieves my stress and let’s me understand exactly what is happening to me.
So with all that said, after writing my last post, I felt sad, but I was okay – my normal self. However, when I woke up the next day, I felt it. The depression – real depression that I haven’t felt since the plane ride to Colombia, South America – a day away from drinking ayahuasca.
“Why do I feel like shit?”
Overwhelming sadness. Sadness for feeling alone in a loveless world. Sadness because EVERYONE wants to hurt everyone. Sadness in feeling that I’m not strong enough to take it. I felt all these things, but blamed it on being tired.
“I’m just tired and stressed. That’s all. This will pass.”
But that’s why this depression was different – it didn’t feel like it would pass. It was real depression – and I realized I never completely suffered from it before, or at least not long enough for me to remember what it felt like.
I always have an undercurrent of the mean reds bubbling beneath my surface, I’m used to it. But real depression happens once every two years, maybe three. And it never stays.
Everybody only see’s themselves, I thought to myself. Everyone takes. Who am I?
I lost my sense of self. I didn’t know who I was anymore. And everything I accomplished felt empty. I resented my job, resented my parents for pampering me. I had nothing to look forward to. I was hollow. And the rest of my years will be filled with hollowness.
“This is it. This is the new me.”
“Who’s going to take care of me when I’m on my deathbed? When everything I have to give is gone, when I can’t provide people what they need? Nobody understands compassion. I am all alone. Nobody understands.”
We DO need people. But nobody know’s why we need each other. And because we don’t know why, we look at the superficial results – we turn to the ego and not our hearts. We let fear govern us because we don’t have the answers. We don’t have the answers because nobody looks inward, it’s too painful and you can’t measure any of it, so what’s the point?
I wrote before how depression is change. It’s a shedding of your old self, but people get attached to their ego and aren’t able to let go. They don’t trust.
So I want to share with you, how I overcame my depression in two days.
The second day was by far the worst. By the second day, all hope was gone.
So here’s what I did; I completely surrendered myself to it. I didn’t fight it. I accepted it. I accepted it but thought to myself, “I will overcome this. It doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow, next year, or in 10 years.”
I set no time limit. By not setting a time limit, it let me let go completely. I thought about Jesus hanging from the cross. Completely surrendering himself. I embodied Christ on the cross. I let my limp body hang (figuratively speaking because I gave five massages that day).
I didn’t hide my sadness from anyone. I didn’t tell them I was depressed. I didn’t tell them my symptoms (that’s living on the superego fringe of results), I told them why I felt sad.
“I woke up today and I thought to myself, is this really all that there is?”
I believe in authentic honesty. I don’t believe in depending on others to “cure” me or burdening them with my sadness, but I do believe that we shouldn’t hide ourselves. We need to be honest and only through honesty, we can feel that we’re not alone. Only through honesty and acceptance of ourselves, can we learn empathy. We learn it from each other.
I would rather hear someone say, “quit ur bitchen’”, rather than seeing them give an apathetic nod of sympathy. Sympathy is NOT empathy.
When we complain to others, when we want to relieve our tension, or want attention so we can feel less alone, we are enacting the vote of sympathy, not empathy. We are living in the symptoms, and not the cause.
I’m always turning inward…
I let myself hang from the cross. I let the crows peck at me. I didn’t stir, I didn’t fight. I didn’t deny or chastise myself for being weak.
There’s strength and courage in acceptance. There’s forgiveness of your self, there is compassion for your self. It’s overcoming your fear by surrendering to it. The way out is in. And then the real “fight” can begin.
And that was pretty much the end of my depression. I completely let go, and it was gone.
And now onto a completely different topic…(I’ll connect them at the end).
Every living thing on the planet is awareness. They don’t have awareness, they are awareness. And there’s only one awareness. One big massive awareness that encompasses everything.
But we are small and see out of small eyes. We can’t see or even comprehend this massive awareness because if we did, we’d comprehend God – and I don’t care how awesome you are, there ain’t nobody alive today that can comprehend God. I tried and my eyes exploded.
So instead of taking in this massive awareness, we break it down into bits we can understand. And sadly, we are mere amebas floating around in our limited comprehension of the universe. We know nothing.
We believe we are small, finite, physical beings and because we view ourselves as small, finite, physical beings, the points of awareness that we see are also small and finite.
Here’s another way of seeing it; we are all part of the same awareness. I’m awareness, you’re awareness, we are all awareness. I am not Melanie, I’m awareness. Snooki from the Jersey shore isn’t Snooki, she’s awareness (sorta). From each individuals perspective, our awareness may be broad or narrow depending on who we are and what we believe. But we are all connected to the same thing.
We see different perspectives of the same awareness. Sometimes very narrow perspectives.
First there were shadows on the wall, then paintings, then we made the boob tube, and now we evolved to smart TV’s. All the same, just different perspectives. Which one is more real? They are all real. Which one expands your point of awareness?
Um, how about no TV? There is no box.
We become fixated on our own unique individual points of reference, completely overlooking the whole.
What does this have to do with depression? Everything!
Becoming fixated on one infinitesimally small part of the whole, is the same as depression. By letting yourself hang from the cross, you let go of those fixations and let them flow through you. You accept them. It’s only fear that narrows your view. Just as it is only our fear that keeps us from seeing the bigger picture.
Depression may be caused by a chemical imbalance – that’s our physical bodies complying with the laws of nature. But what’s really happening, is in the seed of thought. Our thoughts govern what chemicals are released in our heads.
Thoughts are illusions. They are tools to help aid us in broadening our awareness. But they are limited to our bodies – a manifestation and byproduct of our monkey brains. And when left unattended, they create your individual “reality”, your point of awareness. The same awareness of an ameba. You are not aware of yourself.
Illusions can control you only if you believe they are real. Just like in a dream, you accept your reality as real – you lose yourself to it, you don’t question it, why would you? You can lose yourself to your thoughts because you believe they are real. But they are only byproducts from your monkey brain. A monkey brain having an infinitesimally small point of awareness (if any).
Understand this: You have full control of your thoughts.
You have full control over how you feel at all times because how you feel stems from those thoughts. No matter how real they are to you, let them go – they don’t matter.
My adrenal fatigue is setting in damn it. Stop it brain! Or maybe it’s because it’s late and I’m dreading going to work tomorrow to massage for five hours straight. Yep, that’s it.
Once you wake up and become aware, the truths you discover are in your power to mold. This reality you’re living in now, isn’t the real reality. You are not finite, you are not physical – you are infinite potential. You are God. Any hurtful truths you uncover can be consumed, surrendered to, accepted and then molded. You mold them by molding yourself.
Just like in the movie The Matrix, you don’t bend the spoon, you bend yourself.
You mold yourself by not fixating. If you don’t fixate, you will slowly expand your awareness. Expansion is power and it’s dangerous to the people already in power.
I’ve been averaging about 5 hours of sleep a night for about a week now. I keep telling myself to go to bed earlier, but I always get hooked on something. And I believe that fatigue plays a huge role in depression. People can’t feel “caught up” with anything, you know? They only see a long hard road of work ahead of them with no reprieve.
I have a theory that by always moving and keeping busy – never feeling rested – lowers your IQ. Not only does it lower IQ, but narrows your awareness down to pin-pricks. You lose yourself.
These people I’m guessing, are the most depressed out of all of us.
I think I’m bipolar. (shhh don’t tell anyone, I think I like it.)