The Writing Curse


I try to be saintly, I try to be good

I act how most people think that I should.

So what’s with this shit?

Oh God up above

Giving me no breaks,

Showing no love


The dead bitch represents the crap that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I never actually blamed god for any of it, but I’m going to start.  It feels really good to blame him.  It’s empowering.

During my ayahuasca trip, she told me that god was real but not real.  She also stated that I am god.

Schroedinger’s cat just popped in my head.  Why?  Maybe I am the cat (god) who is getting radioactive poisoning, and I am both alive and dead at the same time (real but not real)?

Sorry, that doesn’t make any sense but maybe I’ll come back to it later……

What I learned from ayahuasca is that we are 100% responsible for how we live our lives.  God won’t help or save us.

She also told me that karma whittles down our ego’s until we are left with nothing but perfect belief in god.

So basically, I’m supposed to believe in myself.  Not only that, but to know with absolute certainty that I can succeed at anything.  Not just believe, but know for a fact.  It’s the kind of knowing that know’s no language, know’s no words.  Your thoughts must leave its vessel.

But they don’t leave.  They never leave.  And because they never leave, we’ll always be a dead radioactive cat – unawakened.

Not making sense again?  What-ev’s…

Your brain uses 20% of your daily caloric intake despite it being only 2% of your body’s weight.  It works harder than your heart.  The heart uses one watt of energy while the brain slurps up 12.

Why am I telling you this?

Where the hell does all that energy go when it’s a rule that energy can’t be created or destroyed?

The bulk of it is used to transfer data from one neuron to the next, and the rest is used for clean-up so you won’t have a stroke.

But once the data gets transferred to its designated neuron, what happens to the energy then?  If it can’t be destroyed?  We obviously don’t recycle it because we keep stuffing our faces.

So, WTF man?

I probably wrote about this before, many times I bet, but I’ll say it again – thoughts are non-local smeared data packets that are faster than the speed of light thereby feeding into the oneness, the collective mass-consciousness of the universe.

Prayers work, but what or whom are we praying to?

Oh man I really want to sink in and write about this.  I mean really dig my fat fingers in but it’s already 11:30 Pm.

Plants can detect danger before it happens.  I watched a Netflix documentary about plants and how they respond before having a limb cut off.

That’s irrefutable PROOF!  Evidence of precognition in plants.  Plants don’t have thoughts, but you don’t need thoughts when working with the “emptiness” of nirvana.

At the University of Nevada, researcher Dean Radin has demonstrated that this also occurs in humans moments before seeing a frightful image.

One’s future affects his past.

There was another study done about train wrecks.  Statistics say that trains bound for crash tend to have a large sum of its regular passengers missing that day.  As in, they coincidentally stayed home or chose a different mode of transportation.

Next time you get on a plane or train with hardly any passengers on it, think twice about leaving on it.

The post I wrote the other day, the one where I wanted my future self to send me a prayer, really got me thinking what if?  What if I can?

Many physicists believe that all possibilities occur simultaneously in non-local spacetime.  They’re all  happening in an infinite array of dimensions.  I seen this demonstrated in the documentary What The Bleep.  Also it’s mathematically proven with Schrodingers cat which I learned about from An Elegant Universe by Brain Greene.  I was 19 or 20 when I read it.

I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a LONG time.

What if all those hundreds of people who stayed home instead of boarding a train doomed to crash, stayed home because their future self in a parallel dimension told them to?

Future self – “Oh man I wished I stayed home today.”

Present self – “I think I’ll stay home.”

I never regretted anything in my life before opening up this business and making so many freaking mistakes.  I want a do-over.  But since only my past self in a parallel dimension will trust her instincts better than I did, I can’t have a do-over.  But what I can have is the intention of never making the same mistake twice – or even new mistakes once.

From here on out I’m trusting my gut.  I’m going to start sending prayers to not just my past self, but future self too.  Starting tonight.  Right now.

What info do you have for me future self?

Okay, weird.

She’s still telling me to wait.  Just wait and see.  Don’t give up.  It’ll work itself out.


Sometimes to help me fall asleep, I watch the screen behind my closed eyelids and wait for images appear.

These images make no sense at all.  Sometimes they are a perfect geometric shape, but other times I get images of a door, the carpet of a floor, a pair of scissors – I forgot what else because I usually fall asleep seconds after seeing these images.  Very rarely do I remember what they are.

These images aren’t a dream.  They’re not in color, they’re just outlines but are very textured and palpable like I can reach out and touch them.

Anyway, I’m going to do that tonight.  Look for images.  I’ll look for key items that can help me with my business.

Winning lotto numbers actually.  I’ll be looking for winning numbers if you want to know the truth.  Sent to me by my future self wanting to see if this experiment actually works.  Although, she won’t know if it works or not.  Not unless….oh, forget it.

This is what happens when you mix desperation and spirituality with a person who loves metaphysics and science fiction.

But anyway, ayahuasca told me that I was a martyr but I have the choice to opt out.

I’m opting out.  I’m done with this shit, you hear me god?  Done done done.

HOlY SHiT!  I just remembered my original topic to this post!

I scrolled up and was about to re-read, edit, and publish this shit but then I read my original title for this post, The Writing Curse.

Ugh, okay, I’ll sum up my thought.  It’s getting really late and I need to sleep dammit.

Basically, when you write your life, you tend to go back and re-read your old posts/entries.  Re-living horrific events all over again.  So I came up with a theory that writers who write their life are more prone to misery.

Why is this?  Because of the feedback loop I mentioned earlier.  Your future self affects your past.

In essence, if your future self believes that their past was shitty, than their present self (now) will feel shitty.  However, if their future self looks back and see’s their past as fun, than their present self will have fun.

Certain events and festivities will be more fun and memorable than others simply because your future self looked back on them and reminisced.

For writers, if this theory is true, will have horrible ups and downs for no apparent reason.  Their shitty times will be extraordinarily shitty while their good times will be grandiose.  And what would’ve been a grandiose time will turn shitty for no apparent reason.  Simply because we looked back on it while in a sour mood and analyzed the piss out of it.

The past is never forgotten for writers and we always compare then from now.  We can’t stop re-reading.

Just in case this is true, I’m shifting my perspective on both my past and my present as being triumphing.  I am triumphing.

And I need to write about the good in my life and stop transfixing on the bad.  If I transfix on the bad, my future self will feed into it by remembering how bad it was only to make it worse than it has to be.

I will happily endure a hard life rather than live a life forgettable, but if I can make it a little less miserable, it’s worth a shot.  And okay, a very long shot.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help


I had a thought today while I massaged one of my weekly clients.

I was pondering, as always, why this bad thing happened to my business and I realized that it coincided with two things that I wanted but didn’t have the guts to do.

Before this horrendous incident occurred, I was having money issues (as usual), and wanted to drop an employee.  Especially since my broken armed therapist started taking clients again, I didn’t need so many people on the schedule.

As soon as the police arrived at our door, bam, extra employee fired.

And for years now (dog years), I wanted to cease all Groupon sales but was too scared to do so in fear that my employee’s wouldn’t have enough clients and boom, Groupon no longer sells our deals.  Not until February at least.

Two things that I thought about often, very often actually, happened.  Two things that I wanted most at that time.

And then I had another thought;  you can either react and do things compulsory out of fear, or you can do things out of bravery.  You can tell the two apart because the latter (acting out of bravery), is a choice.

Acting out of fear leads you down a long line of coincidental events that may seem harmless at the time, but karma orchestrates the whole thing.  Every time you choose control and safety over trusting your strength and courage, you lose.

I started my business out of bravery, but the way I manage it is laced in fear.

How can you tell when you’re acting out of fear and not bravery?  If whatever you’re doing is to escape and avoid, to take and not give, to control and not trust or respect, you’re acting out of fear.

I should have laid off my extra employee when my therapists arm healed – I had the inkling to do so and he was only hired temporarily to fill in for her in the first place.

I should have stopped all Groupon sales when I had the money to do so.  Now I’m buried in clients and have no money to pay my staff to massage them (groupon debt).

I shouldn’t of hired the man to replace my broken armed therapist so I wouldn’t have to give massages myself.

Taking not giving, that’s why I hired him.  Escape and avoidance.

And I chose safety, not bravery, by continuing to sell cheap massages online.

You really do receive everything that you wish for, but karma makes it happen in unwanted ways.


I’m the boss giving the orders.  A taker, not a giver.

I thought I was following my heart.  I thought that if I created a business that allowed me my freedom (and finances) to pursue my real goals, then I’d be following my heart, you know?

Groupon…..The thing that started my success may potentially be the thing that destroys it.

All because I didn’t know when to let go of it.  I got greedy.  I got greedy, then I got scared.

The lazy choice is never the right choice.

Always remember to never say Always and Never.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore……

What I did was wrong.  Being the absentee boss, shirking responsibility, being a whiny bitch not wanting to massage loyal clients who LOVE me – not even for one hour a day.

Hero’s don’t ever complain, they get up everyday and do what needs doing.  They’re real men (figuratively speaking).

Everything’s about to change.

When I worked at my old business, when it was just me working in that little stink hole office, I cherished every single one of my clients as though they were the last client on earth.  I gave and gave and gave some more.  The only thing that kept me going was knowing that it was only temporary – to sell a bunch of Groupons in order to get my name out there and once I have my loyal clientele, I can rest.

I had virtually no fear when I worked in my little stink hole office.  And since opening my other business, I had nothing but.

I totally get it now.  All this happened because I didn’t want to work anymore.  I didn’t want to give.  I wanted to boss, not lead.

Goddamned universe.

I am being forced into a position of leadership, not boss-manship.  The universe is literally forcing it upon me.

We had 16 clients today and we made over $300 which isn’t a bad day.  I massaged 3 of those 16 and I gave to them my all, just like when I was at my stink-hole office.  And I actually had energy!  I NEVER have energy when I’m in work but lately I’ve been cranked up.


I’ve been sponsoring a little Philippino boy for a few years now and received an email today asking me to come volunteer at a church in Waterbury to help rally up sponsors.  It’s only for 2 days, and they never asked me before, so I said sure, why not?

I’m planning on donating massages to anyone who signs up to sponsor a child – this will cost me hundreds of dollars, but I don’t care.  I can also massage these people myself which will cost me nothing but time.

I mean think about it – just think!  One hour of my life can make a difference on whether or not a child get’s fed every month.  Not just the child, but it can feed the whole family!

I also remembered how to truly let go in order for the law of attraction to work.  I’ll have to hit satori, zen, emptiness, whatever you want to call it.  I’ll have to kill my ego which is virtually impossible since it’s tied to this body.

I hit satori a few times, for 2 seconds each time, and all seemed possible, but impossible to explain in words.  It was a 2-second window into seeing reality.

I didn’t experience emptiness when I was under ayahuasca, but she told me about my ego and it’s purpose and how nobody’s ever free of it – if they are, it grows back.

She told me if I were to receive everything I want, I’ll have to let everything go and I can only let everything go if I kill my ego.

It’s a double edged sword because once you’re immersed in satori, you don’t care about receiving anything.  You want for nothing.  So in a round-about way, you really do receive what you want during the time of your satori because you don’t want a damn thing.

Satori cancels everything out and what you’re left with is emptiness which is actually filled with possibilities – again, this is impossible to explain.

But I can combat ego with giving.  “Giving is everything” is what ayahuasca kept telling me.  And it has all to do with leading, not bossing.

By picturing in your head exactly what you want, all your choices and actions will lead you down the path of bravery.

Just like satori, I can feel for 2-seconds at a time, a heat rise in my chest recruiting purpose and direction.  All led by giving.  I can see it so perfectly – too perfectly that it fleets away in two seconds flat.

I know I sound crazy, I know.  But I’ve been speaking this way since I was a tot.

In my next post I want to write about acceptance of others.  I would’ve done it tonight but I completely forgot about it.  It’s a different story.

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Filed under philosophy, Self help

Letters to Myself

My blog stats dropped drastically after my blogging hiatus last year.  I haven’t done anything to boost them up to where they used to be.

I’m thankful for the decline.  I literally exhaled today when I opened my laptop and looked at my stats.

In the meantime, my other website, my business’s website, has been receiving a steady 90 views per hour.

Why 90 views an hour?  I can not tell you.  I can’t even tell you here on my anonymous blog that gets 25 hits a day.  It’s not even classified as a blog, just letters to myself really.  A way to journal by saving money on notebooks and my hand no longer cramps up.

But since this is technically a public blog, and it’s at least 5 years old now with well over 800 posts, I can’t afford to let it get in the hands of the media.  Not now, not ever.

So, I can’t tell you what’s going on with my business, and I can’t tell you why it’s gone viral, but I can tell you this:  Everything’s going to be okay.

Even if it’s not okay, it’ll still be okay.

Before all this started, I didn’t want to write about my business anymore because it was all depressing shit, and the same shit over and over.  So I started keeping a separate post, just for my eyes only.

The following is an excerpt from my unpublished post.  I started writing it on August 7th 2015:

I’m not going to write anymore she says. I don’t want to write about morose things anymore she says. And what am I doing? The very next day?

I went to bed late last night. I’m still transfixed on the Divergent trilogy and wanted to look up the author to find out who she is.

She’s 23 with 3 worldwide best-selling books under her belt.

I was inspired. So greatly inspired! But then I watched her interview on YouTube and realized just how smart she is. She’s freaking smart and talks like she’s 40. My inspiration waned because it doesn’t count if she’s smart.

I started listening to her third book again, Allegiant, as my bedtime story last night. But I had no idea what she was talking about so I had to listen to her second book, Insurgent, to refresh my memory.

I fell asleep to it and my phone woke me up around 9 AM – no way I was getting out of bed yet – so I rewound the book to chapter one and listened to it again.

I laid my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes.

My dream began.

I was in a small sea-side town, a war broke out and people were scrambling.  Heaps of garbage lay everywhere.  All I wanted to do was clean but as soon as I started, everyone else chimed in and got it done before I even began.

It’s funny because everyone was either hiding or making plans of attack and there I was wanting to clean the place up.

I went outside our base camp and that’s when I became lucid.  I found myself on a Mars-like planet.  The sky was red, the ground, a hard tan colored clay.  I was completely alone but that didn’t matter.  I was struck by the beauty of the landscape. Especially a mountain in the far off distance – it was kaleidoscopic, as though it was painted by hand.

Me – “Wow, this is in my brain!  It’s so beautiful!”

I fell with my back to the ground – not sure how I got there but I didn’t care. I relaxed on my back and continued gazing up at the mountain. But then it started to shift, become blurry, and in it’s haze it made me remember about my business and the trouble I’m in.

I closed my eyes and started rolling. I wasn’t on a hill or anything, but my body acted on it’s own and wanted to roll. So I let it. It was rhythmic and somewhat relaxing until that is, I rolled into a pool of water. I opened my eyes to see the surface getting further and further away.

Me – “You can breathe, remember? This is all just a dream.”

I remained relaxed and limply floated down until the velocity of my decent picked up.  I was getting sucked down fast.  I wanted to test my strength and resurface but the darkness had a tremendous pull on me.

I couldn’t do it.  There was a gravity pulling me down.  Just like ayahuasca said – fear is gravity and will pull you down.  It was exactly that.

But I was lucid, I could breathe, I wasn’t that afraid, so I didn’t understand why. Why couldn’t I fight it?  That’s when I woke up.  But I didn’t want to wake up, not just yet – I had to beat it!  But I was already able to hear the narrator of Insurgent.  It was too late.


When owning a business, each year that passes feels like dog years.  One year equates to seven in my time.  Thailand is a distant memory, I walked the Camino when I was a spritely innocent child.

Last winter was the longest season of my life, and this summers molasses is still sticking to my clock.

I had that dream before all this bad stuff happened.  No matter how brave, no matter how much fear I lacked, I was still brought down.

Why?  What am I missing?

How do I let go without giving up?  How do I let go without having to accept a dreaded ending?

I feel calm, defeated, but calm.  Not depressed.  I’m oddly aloof.  Everyone has been giving me condolences as if someone close to me died.

I’m embarking on the roughest patch yet of my hero’s journey.  I just wish I knew what to do.

And so my dearest Melanie, if you’re still around to read this when all this has passed, does it finally make sense now?  Why all this happened?  If so, can you send me the answers via prayer and transcend space-time?  Please do it now, don’t wait because I know you’ll forget.  Do it with a candle please.

Okay, I’m getting the message to wait.  To just wait and see.

Ugh, even the future Mel is a lazy asshole.  I can’t even send myself a decent prayer message.

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Filed under journal

This is some-what repetitive of past epiphany’s, but towards the end it gets better

I had a very weird epiphany when I woke up today, well, before I woke up actually.  I was told by my dream world that whatever is alive, isn’t mine.  It doesn’t belong to me.

My body for instance, is alive and therefore is not mine – it isn’t me.  It’s part of the world, made from the world, consists of the same elemental ratio’s as the moon and the stars.

I understood this on a cellular level.  I understood exactly why and how my body isn’t me/mine.

My eyelids are no more mine than the grass growing on somebody else’s lawn.

This thought was as clear to me as one of my ayahuasca insights – a plain truth that can’t be told in words, only felt.

We are like puppet masters.  We have perfect control over anything and everything alive, but we go about it the wrong way.  We go about it in the way of “ownership” when in fact, we own nothing.  We think what we own we can control, but since we own nothing, we can’t control anything – but we can!

It’s hard to explain, obviously.  I mean, how do you explain the unexplainable?

The more effort you put into your garden, the more fruitful it becomes.  If you don’t tend to it, you’ll get nothing.  It’s a respect thing.

When you stop believing you lord over your manor, body and possessions, you start respecting them more.  You understand that you actually have to care for them, and not the other way around.

Respect is very powerful but we got it all wrong.  We don’t understand the true meaning of respect.

What giveth can taketh away.

Belief is also powerful.

People who worry all the time, like hypochondriac’s and over-protective parents, they may worry over things, but they don’t actually “believe” anything bad will happen.  Nobody does.

If you believe the worst will happen, that’s fear and whatever you fear happening will come true.

People who worry take preventative measures in tending to their garden so the “fear” never reaches them.  They believe as long as they stay diligent in their worrying, they’ll never have to face the belief that something bad will come.

I don’t condone worrying, I’m not saying that.  Only, that worriers often tend to things and take great care.  It’s not the best way to go about living and certainly not the only way.

If you can help something, why worry about it?  If it can’t be helped, why worry?  I think I read that on a Buddha meme.

If you want to “own” a plot of land, what you’re actually committing yourself to doing is taking care of it.  Not owning it, but tending to it.  Like children, like your body, and even your friends, you tend to these things.  Not out of ownership or control, but for a greater good that no one is capable of understanding yet.  I can’t even grasp it even though ayahuasca told me repeatedly why:  To evolve.  And that we can only evolve together.

It’s not about expecting reciprocation for your efforts of involvement – it should never be about expectation or assumption.  Tending a garden is a bad example.

We are walking, talking, bodies of influence.  That’s all that we are.


It’s now a few days later, maybe a week.  I’m not sure why I didn’t publish this post.  It was basically done.

But anyway, I don’t feel good.  I’m exhausted.  Owning a business is a cruel joke.

My up’s and down’s are all over the place.  Just last week I felt the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life – no joke or embellishing – I was on top of the world.  This week however, I’m back at feeling lousy.

I’m going to tell you something that I discovered last week and omg, it works!  It sounds so simple that you’d mistake it for something stupid.


I discovered the power of prayer (I’ll tell you why I prayed in a little bit).  The way I did it was, I lit a candle and stared into the flame asking it to grant me strength.  I also asked my ancestors for help.  You know, like tribespeople do.

I learned in my shaman ceremony experiences that fire eats away demons.  You should always look into the fire and it sucks the demons out of you through your eyeballs.

That’s why I prayed with a candle.  I put two and two together.  Catholicism and shamanism.

So anyway, I prayed and went to sleep and wouldn’t you know it, the next day I felt amazing.  More amazing than can be put into words.  My business made over $1700 that week and I was finding joy again aside from washing sheets.

But if you don’t continually tend to something, it wears off.   Once you start expecting it to last, once you stop respecting it and thinking that your success is your own doing and not something celestial, or that it’s a “right” and not a privilege, you start to sink again.

Nothing is in my control but at the same time, it is!  It has something to do with being humble.  Being humble and believing in something bigger than you.  Something bigger, but it’s also in you at the same time.  Like a coalescence.

Oh God its so hard to explain.  But if I ignore or don’t acknowledge this bigger power and rely solely on myself and what I think I can control, I fail.  When I stop respecting God in a way.  By showing no acknowledgment for a higher power shows that I don’t respect him.

Could this possibly be the secret into “The Secret”?  Into the Law of Attraction?  By simply acknowledging and respecting a higher power?  By not proclaiming ownership or control over everything we enjoy or care about?

Ayahuasca tried drilling this into my skull that I must let everything go and to trust.  Over and over again she kept repeating, “let it go. Trust.  Let it go.  Trust.”

But then she said everything is in my control.  Everything that happens to me is all my own doing.

Me – “But how do I change anything?”

Aya – “You must let go of it first.”

Being humble and showing gratitude….I understood gratitude and appreciation for the first time last week.

A major reason why I prayed was because of that horrible thing that happened in work a few weeks back that involved the cops.  It led to an awful review on Yelp.  It was one of the lowest points in my life – so low in fact, that it made me say “fuck it.  Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.”  That helped ease the burden a bit.

But then I prayed.  I prayed and Yelp taken down that awful review the very next day.

The reason why I felt appreciation had nothing to do with Yelp taking down the review.  It’s hard to explain but I’ll try….

Before this whole ordeal with the cops started, I was worried about the business.  Worried over financial matters and little else, but still, it was a heavy burden.

But then the cops showed up at my doorstep and I wasn’t just worried anymore, I was terrified.  This terror lasted for weeks until that man left his nasty review on Yelp and my terror escalated into insurmountable water boarding torture.

But now that it’s finally over, I realized that I wasn’t appreciative before the cop incident happened.  Before the incident, I felt the height of my anxiety was at its max over my financial situation and I had very little to be appreciative for.

“It can always be worse.”

That phrase taught me what it means to be truly appreciative.  You’d have to experience it for yourself to understand what I mean.  Things can always be worse.

I learned so much from this incident – so freaking much.  I learned that things can always be worse, but more importantly, I learned to respect and acknowledge that nothing is in my control.  It’s like I have to hand everything over.  To put it down.  And by putting it down, only then can it be in my control – but it’s not at the same time because if I think I can control something, I never actually put it down in the first place.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I have no kids, I don’t work much, my mom makes me dinner and my dad takes care of the house – I have a tremendous amount of time to be alone and philosophize and even when I do work, my hands are occupied but my mind isn’t.  I have virtually no distractions that derail me from really sinking in and trying to comprehend all this stuff.

But after learning appreciation, I actually want to be in work.  I want to massage again if it’s only to get the business back on tract.  I’m starting to respect it, you know?  I’m respecting and appreciating everything that I already have.  I want to tend to my garden.

All this blows my mind.  How I can see everything fitting together too nicely, too completely.

Respect shows lack of control over a thing (or a person), Appreciation also shows lack of ownership (control).  Humility acknowledges a higher power.  They all fit together.

Plus if you tie in Strength with everything else – it takes a very strong person to hand over their control.  It takes a Brave person.

The opposite of all this?  A power seeker.  Someone who lets fear govern them.  A power seeker will never inherit peace of mind or happiness.  They’ll never hand over their power or relinquish their ego.

I have to remember all this.  I absolutely positively can NOT forget any of it.

I don’t understand yet how happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.  It’s all about the journey and not the end point.  I don’t relate to any of that yet but I’m extremely close to finding it.

After praying with the candle – literally right after – I felt it.  The happiness.  And I feel it every time I write or do a video blog.  And I don’t think it has anything to do with happiness, but rolling with everything, you know?  Sort of like being stronger than life’s punches.

Happiness is not obtainable, but withstanding the punches is.  It’s how we react to the punches, that’s how we spread our influence out into the masses.

Anyway, aside from all that, I had a crazy lucid dream last night.  As always, whenever I have a lucid dream, I grab the nearest person and start making out with them – it doesn’t matter who they are.  If it’s a man, that’s great, if it’s a female, I’ll settle.  My libido is astronomical.  And I’m so passionate!  The kissing alone sends me into ecstasy which confuses me since I thought I had to love the person for the ecstasy part to happen.

But then I stopped being lucid and turned into a big human-sized ant fighting for a Captain ant in his ant army.  It wasn’t a bad dream and the armor accessories were pretty cool.

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Another Day in My Life Where Absolutely Nothing Happens. So Let’s Vlog About It!

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I tend to stay out of trouble.  I mean, I have the occasional bad idea from time to time backed by the timeless perennial wisdom of YOLO.

“Yes let’s buy a sailboat and go to the Bahama’s!  I’m YOLO’ing it mutha fuggaz.”

This grazed my mind two days ago.  Granted, I have the ASA website (for sailing lessons) added to my favorites so I won’t be going without proper training, but still……

I have over $4000 in my barter network account and I can barter that money for a very large sailboat but I’ll save that for another time to discuss.

Today I’d like to discuss something else.  A new kind of trouble.

I’d be at the laundromat right now making a video of myself but no, instead I’m home.  I also wanted to test drive my new bicycle I got for bartering massages, but no.

You want to know what I’m doing instead?  The only reason why I’m writing this is to kill time (which sadly is why this blog exists in the first place) until my new video game downloads.

I’m in a torrential heap of trouble if this behavior keeps up.  I’ve done nothing today.  It’s my day off, yes, but it’s also sheet day – I have loads upon loads of sheets!

“I’ll do them tomorrow after my client.  I only have one client.”

No Melanie NOOOOO!

I have about 300 minutes until my game downloads – ridiculous!  Oh great, now it’s going up again to 330 minutes.

Why don’t I just wash the sheets while it’s downloading?  Because I’m a lazy asshole.

Dammit.  Okay, I’ll go wash the friggen sheets.

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Zombie Ants

Ahhh I have a pained look on my face!

Here’s the link to my new friends YouTube channel:

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5 Things Only Old Souls Will Understand

Here’s the link to it:

The guy who wrote it?

                                                                                           This Guy

steven bancarzMellie likeysteve bancarzbancarzOh my…..

I can relate to his list, almost as if I written the damn thing meself.  All except for his #4, The Rejection of Anything Mainstream.

I mean, blogging and devoting yourself to social media (like he’s doing) is pretty damn mainstream if you ask me.  Not to mention the selfies, his twitter, instagram, facebook and whatever else he’s doing.

I love technology and Apple products, so I can’t exactly say I’m against anything mainstream.  Megan Trainer is on the radio and I love her…..

But man oh man I love this boy.  I LOBE HIM.  I mean LOVE (he’s got me all flustered).

Here’s his website:

I just hope he’s not the arrogant type, you know?  Like a self-righteous sort of bloke who squawks about empowerment and puts a label on those “not awakened.”

Gawd we got it, you’re hot and enlightened.  Go fart on a stick (I just made that up, it sounded funny in my head).  But amirite?  I’m right, right?

Anyway, I was on a quest before my ADHD kicked in and shoved his article down my gullet.  His article was not my mission, cartoons are my mission.

He’d probably scoff at me and roll his eyes.

Yeah that’s right, I like cartoons!  What of it pretty boy?

Okay okay, maybe I don’t “love” him.  At least, not in that special way I don’t.  I thought I did.  But that journey is over now.  It lasted all of 10 minutes.

I never know how I truly feel about something until I write about it and this time it only taken me 260 words.

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Livin La Vita Vlog

Video’s are a lot less time consuming than writing!


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The End of The World

Scientists pin-pointed the exact time the world was going to end.  The earth was going to be thrown out of orbit by a planetary disturbance and plummet into the sun.

I was stationed at a community support center until impact.  I wasn’t scared, lonesome, or frantic.  I attended “end of the world” dinners and parties, and mentally prepared myself.

But then I left my cell phone at a restaurant and had to go back to fetch it.  Impact was to happen anytime tomorrow and I wanted to make sure I had my phone to be able to call my parents one last time.

After I retrieved my phone, I stuck it in my backpack along with my cigarettes and electronic cigarette.  I turned to leave and that’s when I ran into one of my high school bully’s.

Bully – “Why do you need a cell phone?  The world is ending.”

Me – “Oh you know, so I can text my parents that I love them.”  I said in a dorky, unconfident way.

He rolled his eyes.

He was scared.  I could tell he was scared and the way I acted towards the end of the wold annoyed him.  It annoyed him because I wasn’t scared.

I hopped on a bus to take me back to the community center.  It was in Canada.

I sat next to a lady who wanted to help me set up my phone so I’ll be able to text in Canada, I ignored her because time was running out and I needed to text my parents asap.  I knew I could figure out how to set it up by myself.

Me thinking – “How do they know for certain it’s going to happen tomorrow?  It can happen anytime really.”

There was a silence on the bus, a foreboding.  I felt the end was nearing although it was supposed to happen tomorrow.

It started getting hot in the bus.  I looked out the window and seen heat, like when you’re grilling something outside you can see the heat coming off the grill.

Any second now.  It’s going to happen any second.

The bus was scorching hot but there was no sense pulling over to step outside for fresh air, it was even hotter outside.

My mom was on the bus a few seats ahead of me.  My dad, a few rows back.

It was happening.  The end was happening right now.  Outside the bus, grass and tree’s caught fire.

Me – “Mom, Mom!  I love you Mom!”

Mom – “I love you too sweetie!”

I turned towards the back of the bus and shouted, “Dad!  Dad!  I love you Dad!”

Dad – “I love you too!”

I grabbed onto the woman sitting next to me and closed my eyes.  It was over.


What a crazy dream to experience on the anniversary of 9/11.  It’s even crazier still for being a day that I went to face my only two fears: claustrophobia and the dark.

I went to a sensory deprivation tank today.  A small closet with a tub, no lights or sound, water the same temp as my skin…..

I taken a video but there’s no need to post it.  Words are so much better.  I’ll write more about it tomorrow.

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