The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow

Yesterday was a snow day.  Clients cancelled, shop closed up, nothing but lounging with netflix and naps.

I taken a nap and dreamt that my brother walked into my bedroom, sat down and made fun of me while he watched me play my video game.

When I woke up from my nap, my brother came in, yelled at me for not shoveling the snow and then laughed at the video game I was playing.

I swear to gawd I’m psychic.  Not that it ever did me any good.  Or maybe it has, it’s hard to tell these things.

Me – “The snow will be melted by tomorrow and there’d be nothing left to shovel.”

Bro – “No, it’ll be heavier tomorrow!  Each shovel scoop would weigh 30 pounds!”

Me – “I can handle it.”


How do people sleep?  I mean really?  There’s always something to write about, or read about, watch on TV, a game to beat, hobbies to hob….

I’m laying here in bed at 1am, completely exhausted out of my head but I’m writing and I don’t even have anything to write about.  And I can’t blame insomnia because I conquered that problem long ago when I discovered audiobooks and gloves (I have to wear gloves at night or I stay awake picking at my cuticles).

So I rely on naps mostly.  Nothing beats a good nap.

Okay, ok, I’ll sleep dammit.

My future starts mañana!

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A Momento of my business before it’s torn apart

Here’s the  video from when I first moved in:

It looks like I put on a few pounds since that last video.  The last vid was shot back in March 2014, exactly two years ago next month.  I put on at least 30 pounds since then but I’m less stressed, not as fatigued and my hair actually looks healthier now than it did while I was a stress ball.

I’m a lot happier now.  I’m happier simply because I don’t have to massage as many people which was my plan all along and in a round-a-bout way, my plan worked.   I was a mess back then.  A complete mess.

And now I’m moving into a more professional location in the center of town.  My sign will be visible to the highest density of traffic in the area.  I’m moving up, but paying less.

I’m movin’ on up up

to the South side

Where the doctors and the lawyers do re-si-i-ide

I’m movin’ on up

to the South side

Where my employee’s will rub peoples ba-a-cksides.  



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Killing It

My business is killing it lately.  I’m making more money than ever before (making, not keeping).  I’m averaging over $1000 a week, plus $7000 a month from members which brings me to roughly $12000 a month in sales.

And since we’re no longer selling groupons, our schedule isn’t clogged with non-paying clients.  Each client is a golden ticket client.

The only problem with this is that my employee’s aren’t getting booked as often as before.  Some days, many days actually, a few of them don’t have any at all.

Yesterday for example, we had 7 clients booked between 6 people working.  I took two of those 7 because they were requests, one employee didn’t have any.  I made $300 bucks and I’ll get to keep most of it since my employee’s hardly worked that day.

Today I made $400.

The business is totally successful, more successful than it’s ever been but…..I’m swamped in debt and can’t keep up.  I’m swamped in debt because of the mistakes I made over the summer and instead of fixing my mistakes, I taken out loans.  Then I taken out more loans.

And when I was selling groupons, I hired an extra person to help redeem them all which only sunk me further into groupon debt but now that I’m free of it, I have way too many people working for me and none of them want to quit.  For two years nobody wanted to quit.  But I’m getting to a point where they might.

So, I’m going to make a radical decision that would probably make you want to slap me upside da head.

Sell more groupons.

This will solve ALL my problems!!

Wait!  Wait, just listen.

Why don’t I just let my employee’s quit?  Because clients like who they like and if their favorite therapist leaves, they’ll take their business with them.  I don’t want my employee’s going anywhere.

I’m not going to sell regular massages on groupon for $39 bucks a pop, no.  I’ll be selling couple’s massages only.  Couples massages are less likely to be weirdo’s and more likely to sign up for the membership.  And I’ll sell upgraded couples massages that include hand, foot, and face treatments.  An extra $12 for each treatment which will add $72 to the over-all price.

Let’s do the math to see if it’s worth it…

$150 for a regular couples massage, plus $72 is $222.  Groupon will sell them for $111 and I’ll not settle for anything less than $60 for each one they sell.  I’ll make a profit of $20, add more potential members to our client database and not only that, but I’ll only sell 300 of them in one month and end it there.  No groupon debt.  No clients buying more than one deal for themselves.  The perfect plan.

Think about it.  300 groupons times $60 is $18,000.  It’ll completely wipe out most of my debt!  My employee’s will be booked again.  And I’ll get more members!

I have to do this.  No no, I MUST do this.

I’ll sit and answer phones and book myself as much as I can with these couples massages because there will be enough to go around for everyone for at least the first month, then it tapers off.

It’s my cure for everything.  Groupon has always been my cure for everything.  But at the same time, I hate Groupon.  Groupon leaves me in ruins.  That’s because I was doing it wrong all this time.


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Good Dreams

I’ve been having really good dreams lately and I never have good dreams.  Never.

Last night I dreamt that a sexy matador was trying to sweep me off my feet.  I’m not sure why this sexy man was a matador since I’m against that sort of “entertainment”, but there he was and undeniably sexy.

I was just being myself, as always.  Stupid funny is what I call me being me.  His words fell on me and wouldn’t stick.  Everything he said slid off me like silk on silk, no grip.  All because of me being stupid funny.  Comparing his words to the actual reality of the situation makes me behave stupid funny.

Then the tables turned, it wasn’t me being swept off my feet, but him being swept off his.  I wasn’t even trying.

The day before that, I dreamt that I closed the business for the day and had a few friends over to watch a sports game, but it wasn’t any normal sports game.  It was more like a quidditch match from Harry Potter only with interactive billboards that trapped the balls whenever they were hit and showed an animation.  Hard to describe, but according to my dream dictionary, it’s a good omen.


According to my business bank account, I’ve spent over $33,000 in the last 90 days.  Wha???   What?!!!

This is a very scary time for me financially.  It’s been scary since last summer.  I hope this is the last dread I have to face before I’m completely moved into my new business.

I lost over $2000 at the first location I looked at, spent over $3000 on a security deposit and first months rent at this other place I’m renting, paid quarterly taxes of $1000.  That takes me up to at least $7000, then add another $3000 because I pay $1000 a month to pay off a business loan.  The business loan will be paid off in August, but I’m planning to bankrupt the business before then (not only will I not have to pay $1000 a month, but it will be incredibly difficult to sue a dissolved LLC that’s been bankrupt.  It will help protect me from the case against Anthony).

I spent $10,000 that I normally wouldn’t spend.  $5000 of it came out of my personal line of credit which means that $5000 came from my profit income.  If I still had that $3000 in my bank account, I wouldn’t be shitting bricks right now and next month (two days from now) I could pay $3000 back into my personal line of credit.

Alas, that’s not the case.  I’m in a worse financial situation than ever before, worse than where I was over the summer.  The worst in my whole life!  All because of $3000.  I spent over $33,000, but it all comes down to $3000.

But this is it hopefully, the last of the dread.  I’m going out with a bang.  Open a new business, bankrupt the old one, earn the $3000 back in a reasonable amount of time and I’ll be back on track by April.

Damn, I have to shower.  I have a client at 11:30.

Opening up a new business is flowing like molasses.  It’s not fast enough.  The place I’m moving into is a real shit-hole and needs to be painted, wallpapered, carpets professionally cleaned….etc.  I haven’t even started moving anything in yet.

But I have an opening date.  February 20th is the grand opening.  That’s also my friends birthday and the Aquaturf reunion.  My birthday friend is conveniently attending the reunion with me since she worked there too.

I worked at the Aquaturf almost 15 years ago and it shaped who I am today.  I blossomed there.  It was the best time of my life.  And the people attending this reunion, maybe it was the same for them?  I belonged there, you know?  I owe that place everything because if it weren’t for the Aquaturf, I never would have discovered how awesome of a person I am.

And for my “third time’s a charm” grand opening to be on the same day as the reunion, well, is it a coincidence?  I think not.

Damn, I need to shower damn it.

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Scary Movies

When I was a kid, I watched every freaking scary movie I could lay my hands on.  I was 7 years old and was able to recite The Lost Boys word for word.  I watched every Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th.  The Blob, Amnityville, Tales From the Crypt, It, American Werewolf in London…etc.

I watched the Clockwork Orange but I didn’t actually know what I was watching so that doesn’t count.

Nothing scared me.  Why did nothing scare me?  Because my parents were super laid back when it came to what I watched on TV.  There were NO restrictions on TV, movies, video game consumption, candy, ice cream – I’m talking no restrictions what-so-ever on basically anything and everything that I wanted.  Homework?  Optional.

But that doesn’t explain why nothing scared me.  Nothing scared me because my parents drilled it into my skull that nothing seen in a scary movie is real.  It’s all fake.  They are just regular people playing dress-up trying to scare us on purpose.

Basically, they were too self-involved to stop the movie and say, “hey, this isn’t suited for Mel.”  They wanted to watch it and the only way they’d get me to watch it with them was by telling me it’s all make-believe.  And in a way, I was brainwashed into having no fear of Jason Voorheese.

I grew up knowing what’s real from what’s fake.  I grew up in a way that let me separate imagined fear from what’s actually taking place.  I also grew up without a sweet tooth or ice cream addiction.  I can’t remember ever doing my homework, but I never flunked.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, people don’t listen to all the facts before jumping to a scary conclusion.  They assume the worst because they have little or no knowledge of what’s actually happening.

My Dad went in for a routine check-up and was called back into the hospital shortly after because of a low platelet count.

Time stopped.  My mom cried.  My brother cried.  It was the end of the world.

Me – “Let’s not worry unless we have to.”

And I wasn’t worried.  I knew he was fine.  I just knew.  But everyone else was freaking out.

Brother – “I know you don’t believe in god anymore, but now’s the time to pray.”

Me – “I never said I don’t believe in god.”

The thing is, I do believe.  I actually believe more than anyone.  But I also know (from my experience with ayahuasca) that we create our own reality.  Whatever we believe WILL happen.  And the kind of prayers my brother was talking about are the wrong kind of prayers.  His prayers come from a place of non-belief, of feeling helpless and scared.  The kind of prayers I believe in come from strength and actual knowing.

I guess it’s something you’d have to live through in order to understand what I’m talking about.

I did, however, break.  Albeit a small break, but I can’t deny it.  After speaking with my brother and mom for several minutes, I floated downstairs into my bedroom (floated into the imagery of the scary movie), and wondered, “what if this is it?  what if my worst fear is happening?  Am I just too delusional not to see it?   Am I really that guarded and protected?”

I broke down and cried uncontrollably in the isolation of my room.

Me – “He’s okay.  This is crazy!”

Then I cried some more.

Me – “I know he’ll be okay.”

And cried again.

I couldn’t breathe.  Cement filled my chest.  It’s an all too familiar feeling.  One that I experienced much of last year only this time it was worse.

I slowly came out of it with having complete conviction in knowing that my dad will be okay.  I had no choice but to believe it.

I decided that even if I was being delusional, I choose delusion over helplessness.

Yesterday they diagnosed my pops with ITP.  It’s an autoimmune disease where the immune system attacks the platelets because they think they are foreign invaders.  He had to get blood transfusions (thank god we’re not Jehovah’s witness) and go on steroids.  If worse comes to worse, he’ll have to get his spleen removed.

He’s going to be fine.  There are meds and there are treatments.  I told my employee about it and she said she had that same thing in high school and it went away.  She even knew the medical term for it, thrombocytopenia.

The world is one big scary movie.  Everyone playing their part, purposely goading us into feeling what they feel, believing what they believe so they’re not alone in it.  They either don’t want to feel alone, or they want something else from us.

I choose the simple path.  Avoid avoid avoid.  If someone sparks any emotion in me, I sprint to the nearest bar.

Later gators.


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Last Day at the Mat

At least I hope.

I get my washer & dryer installed tomorrow at my new business so I’ll be going there instead of the laundromat where weird old hippies ask me, “hey, wouldn’t it be easier to get a washer and dryer?”

Me thinking – “Why don’t you tell me?  You bring your dirty clothes here every week in a garbage bag.  I’d like you to answer that same question.”

Some lady – “How many weeks worth of sheets is that?”

Me – “Four days.”

It sucks there, but hey, I would’ve been screwed without them.

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My Niece Told Me She’s a Lesbian

And I literally had no emotional reaction.

You – “If you had no emotional reaction, than why are you writing about it?”

Moments after I realized that I had no emotional reaction, I felt I should write about my non-reaction.

So here I am writing about it.  There it is.

In other news, I’m incredibly over-whelmed.  I just want to sleep or throw up.  I want to cry.  I’m fantasizing about the relief that the apocalypse might bring.  None of this has anything to do with my niece’s sexuality.  I’m actually kinda relieved she won’t get pregnant too young, suffer from STD’s, or seek unnecessary validation/approval from men.  It’s kind of a blessing if you really think about it.

No, I’m overwhelmed with other things.  When will it stop…….

My most pressing concern is of course Anthony, and the possibility of getting sued for what he done over the summer.  I haven’t wrote about what happened because it went public, locally viral actually, and the story is out there for anyone to read.  I just want to remain an anonymous blogger who gets 6 hits a day and if I told you what happened, you can easily look me up and connect the dots.

I started thinking about him again two or three days ago when my new landlord asked for proof of insurance and I had to visit my high school friend who doubles as my insurance agent to purchase yet another insurance policy.  It drudged up those bad thoughts.  Wondering if my insurance can cover it.  Wondering if I’ll lose everything and I’ll have to pay for the rest of my life.

Insurance Agent – “You’re covered with workman’s comp through a different agency?”

Me – “Yeah….”

Me thinking – “I have to be insured for that?  Don’t my taxes cover it?”

My broken armed therapist whom I laid off is collecting and by this summer, I’ll owe over $3000.  I thought the $3000 gets taken care of by the workmen’s comp taxes I pay into.

And I’ve been getting requested to massage a lot lately, we’ve been busy, I have to keep track of clients stuff, email them, text, call them….wash sheets at the laundromat 4 days a week and lug them upstairs two heavy bags at a time.

I still have to fire Kasey, my crappy therapist.  I lost over $2000 by not leasing that first place I looked at, I need to buy a washer and dryer.  My fat jeans are getting tight and a little over a year ago I literally couldn’t wear them because they’d slip right off.

I need to move all my crap into the new place and fix it up nice.

And so yeah, I’m a little freaked out right now.  Why do I want to sleep and throw up all day?  How does that solve anything?  My cousin just died, my Uncle Arty is on the morphine drip on his way out, my other cousin is having 9-hour surgery the same time her father, my Uncle Arty, is dying at home.

I need some serious self help audiobooks right now.

And I’m moving my massage business next to my friends massage business.  We’re going to share the same parking lot, that’s how close we’ll be.  But I have no choice.  There’s no place else and I’ll be saving $800 a month along with an added $300 I spend on washing sheets at the laundromat.

At least I’ll be further away from my brother’s spa….

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Washing sheets

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Melanie’s Religious Tirade

I received a handwritten letter in the mail today from a Jehovah’s Witness that was personally addressed to me.  They also threw in their Watchtower pamphlet about honesty.

Many people’s first reaction to Jehovah’s witness propaganda is an eye roll and a polite “no thanks.”  We don’t even think about it.  Unless you’re depressed enough to want to seek answers from an outside source.  From a faith that actually cared enough to reach out in the first place.

These people don’t get paid to mail letters or go door to door.  I mean let’s cut them some slack, they’re not so bad.  They’re especially not so bad since each one of them know’s for a fact that God will only choose 144,000 of them to join him in heaven and here they are at your door, ruining their odds of salvation if you choose to convert.

Receiving a letter that isn’t a bill, a coupon, a credit card offer…etc, well, it’s kind of refreshing.  It’s nice getting a letter from a complete stranger who wants no money or response from me what-so-ever.  They just want me to read the pamphlet and feel better.

Okay, so I didn’t actually read the pamphlet, but maybe I’ll get around to it.  I’ll stick it in the bathroom where I take my holy shits.

But what if every religion did that?  Went door to door?

Mormon’s would arrive at your door and say, “join us, we believe dark skinned people are dark because they’re being punished by God!”

Catholic’s would come to your door and say, “Join us where there are no gays, premarital sex, and no abortions or STD protection!”

Muslims will ring your bell and say, “Your religion is punishable by death, so join us.”

With Jehovah’s witness it’s, “Join us because all other religions are demonically inspired!  But you can’t receive blood transfusions, vote, or judge anyone guilty in the court of law.”

I’m trying to find something bad on Judaism but it’s not there.  Rabbi’s even preform same-sex marriages, believe in condoms, they can marry and have kids, marijuana is kosher, and the best one of all is they want all Jew’s to believe in God using their heads, not their hearts.  They are against blind faith and want you to believe in God due to evidence and rational thought which is something ayahuasca told me and it’s super important.

I always liked their religion, but Hinduism is still in my top spot.  It can be traced back to circa 10000 B.C!  Compare that to 1400 B.C for Judaism….pff, small potato’s.  Just kidding.

Jehovah’s believe Jesus was God’s son, and not God himself.  While Catholics/Christians on the other hand, believe they are the same man.

Ayahuasca told me that we’re all God’s children and we are all equal to him.  We’re equal to him because we ARE him.  So according to ayahuasca, Jehovah’s and Christians are both correct if you combine the two.  Maybe if we combine all the religions together, we’ll find absolute truth?

Believing in a religion and preaching about it reminds me of those ormus people from my last post.  The people who believe ormus will bring them enlightenment or superpowers.  They get transfixed on it and once you’re transfixed, other people will think you crazy.  Especially if what you’re spouting is metaphysical whimsy.

I know exactly what it’s like to be transfixed.  It’s a spell and an odd form of denial.  In fact, I’m probably transfixing right now which will lead me to embarrassment when I read this post later.  It happens to everyone once they snap out of it.

We’re naturally inclined towards transfixing because it gives us structure, something to hold onto and base our perspectives on.  It’s an addiction, really.  You can tell it’s an addiction because you’ll need to replace it quickly with another addiction if it fails you.  If you don’t replace it, there won’t be any reason to live or at least, live happily (depending on the severity of your addiction).

Everyone’s transfixed on something or other.  And most people are ready to stand up to defend their belief system because their ego depends on it for survival.

The best way to learn something is by teaching it.  When I was younger and learning something new, I always pretended like I was teaching it to my imaginary friend.  So if you’re transfixed and compelled to share with people, you’re really just sharing it in order to teach it over again to yourself.  A way to construct your own acropolis, your own belief system.  By telling others, you make it more real and fortify its defenses.

Oh man I’m freaking tired.  I had a long day, sorta.

But anyway, when I write my book, I want to include my own religion into it.  Make it cohesive and 3 dimensional.  I want to sift out all the truths in all the religions and put them together in one united system of belief.  I’ll try to do this with the least amount of transfixing as possible.

That sounds like fun to me.

And of course time travel.  I can’t forget to include time travel in my book.

And to never take anything seriously, or believe in anything that isn’t empirical rational thought, and to always have a case of beer in your car just in case.

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The Ormus Among Us

I was cruising Amazon today looking for snake oils and discovered what is called Ormus, aka monoatomic gold, or white gold.  They claim that it induces a kundalini awakened state (whatever that means) while meditating.

It also purports to trigger vivid lucid dreams, out of body experiences, cures disease and emotional disorders.  And if you ingest enough of it, makes your skin all sparkly like the pretty vampires in Twilight.

The crazy thing is, people buy into this!  Gobs of people!  Go on YouTube and you’ll see testimonials, go on Amazon and read the five-star reviews.  There’s even a group of people that believe it is the devils powder, or the illuminate, meant to brainwash and turn us into hermaphrodite zombie slaves.

Here are some posts written by, imo, nutters:

Ormus can also make you hear auditory hallucinations as stated in this article.

“Hindu mystics call these sounds the “nada” and Chinese mystics call them the “hu” sound.”

I actually experienced this!  It’s a sign of bi-polor disorder and schizophrenia!  I haven’t experienced it in a while though.  I haven’t had any crazy dreams either, or an invisible stranger laying next to me.

Everything it purports to do, I’ve already experienced them all.  Even the sparkly skin part.  When I had my OBE and looked at my sparkly translucent arm (and then stuck it in my head to see what would happen).

All my weird experiences  make me feel like a spiritual snob, looking down and shaking my head at anyone wanting in on the action but turning to wacked-out methods and spending honny dolla billz yo.

The best method for obtaining auditory hallucinations, OBE’s, Lucid dreams and all that nonsense is to suffer from massive sleep deprivation and consume copious amounts of alcohol knowing full-well that work tomorrow will invariably suck.

Get no sleep for about a week (due to intense partying followed by work) and then take a nap.  I guarantee that nap will knock your socks off.  You’ll experience all sorts of weird shit.

Aside from my personal method, their method is scientifically implausible.  The first obstacle being that you can’t make the stuff.  You literally can’t make it no matter how hard you try.  The man who invented it formed a patent describing how it’s made, but it’s mostly gibberish and his method was never proven.

But there’s a bunch of YouTube vid’s on how to make it!  And plenty of suppliers on Amazon!

Okay, let’s be rational here.  Why are they even trying to make this stuff in the first place?  To experience some sort of heightened awareness, a super power, and some go as far to say it gives them the ability to teleport (has never been proven tho).

If that’s the case, why not do something that actually works?  Like ayahuasca, smoke some DMT, magic mushrooms, peyote, iboga, yopo.  Hell, even straight up pot has its eye-opening moments.

Why go through all the trouble of trying to make gold using everyday household ingredients and a recipe found on YouTube?  To experience something that I’ve already had my hand in and to be quite honest, it’s not worth the hype.

Well, the OBE with seeing my translucent arm was pretty cool, plus my 2-seconds of emptiness and that other time I experienced 2-seconds of witnessing myself think.  But nothing comes out of having these experiences except personal proof which doesn’t mean a damn thing to anyone aside from myself, and even that doesn’t mean much.

They’re chasing their own tail.  Trying to go after something they already have.

But the whole thing amazes me.  The placebo effect amazes me, denial is amazing, and nobody ever wants to admit when they’re wrong (especially when a ton of money is involved) and they look like complete idiots buying snake oil.

You can tell when you’re in denial when an opinion that opposes your own affects you in such a violent manner that you resort to name calling.


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