A Pish and a Posh and a Late Night Blog Nosh

Vanilla custard brain is what I have.

A while back I was struggling with anxiety over what happened to my business last summer.  Words can’t describe the fear I felt.  The news crew showing up, detectives calling me, a nasty Yelp review implicating ME as the culprit and of course the clients.  Clients calling up and asking if they were victims.

But after reading the Bhagavad Gita and confronting/accepting possible bankruptcy and my “ruined” future, all fear dissipated.  I accepted the worst possible outcome, felt it already happened and realized that even with the worst happening, I’ll still be okay.  It’s exactly like throwing up your hands and saying “fuck it”.

But vanilla custard replaced my anxiety.  I feel more distant than ever.  I want to coast over the rest of the rubble, being carried away by a rescue helicopter like at the end of an adventure flick.

I want to stay in the helicopter, you know?  I don’t want to do anything more to jeopardize this feeling of tranquility.

The Bhagavad Gita says to keep your head down and work, and that’s just what I’ve been doing and yes, it actually works!  But vanilla fills my brain – a gooey drug of sweet surrender.  I stop trying at things and just float.  I stop thinking.  I stop improving.

It’s like I don’t give a shit anymore.  “I’ll move my business, change the name, but if none of that works, I really don’t give a shit.”

It’s the Gita’s advice; to work without reward.  It’s oddly soothing, but I lose myself in it.  My ego is dwindling which is the whole point of it.  The point is to abolish your ego and learn that giving is everything (basically what ayahuasca taught me).

I’m giving, sure, but what I’m giving is not my talent of choice.

That’s why my brain fills with custard, because I’d rather be doing something else.  That’s why I binge watch TV shows on Hulu and why I’ve been back at playing video games non-stop.

I’m attaching myself to things that can satisfy me.  And it’s always about validation.  I attach myself to outside influences that define me.  To remind me of who I am and that I have worth.

In video games, I’m always the hero.  Watching TV show’s, I relate to the lead character and through them, I live vicariously.  In a sense, I steal what isn’t mine.  The ego attaches and feeds.  Instead of it feeding off my business, it found something a little more stable.  Something else that can define my worth.

But the crazy thing is, if I actually do the things that I want to do, I carry my own definition.  I detach from my attachments and create something astounding.  I create my own self-worth, my own validation.  All by giving, not taking.  By giving something that brings me joy to create – something that challenges me and makes me better, stronger.

I’ve been massaging people for 10 years now and it ain’t it.

Writing, art, music and travel.  If I can wrap my hands around one of those things and run with it, the only thing I’d be attached to is my own potential and what it can bring to the world.


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What Went Wrong (bad business practices)

When I was in high school, I thought about suicide a lot.  Not me personally committing it, but thinking about other people who wanted to do it.

Me thinking – “How awesome would that be?  To have absolutely no fear of death.  I would be able to do or try ANYTHING without any fear of the consequences.”

My reasoning was that if you’re not afraid to die, that means you have nothing to lose.  You’re at rock bottom.  Complete and utter freedom.

But then depression hit me much later on in life and I found out the truth about suicide.  It’s not about not fearing death, it’s about fearing life.

When you’re suicidal, you don’t care about anything or anyone but yourself, it’s selfish.

And it’s debilitating, like having a physical illness that keeps you in bed all day, keeps you from going out and doing things, learning things.  It’s the opposite of bravery, opposite what I thought it meant in high school.

I had a suicidal friend in high school.  She was a closet lesbian, in love with a girl in her class.  I couldn’t for the life of me understand why she was miserable and wanted to off herself.

Me – “You have no fear of dying.  Don’t you understand how freeing that is?  You can do anything with your life, not fear the consequences, go anywhere, do anything.  Why waste it on killing yourself?  You have no fear now, so why waste it?  Aren’t you curious to see what happens?  You’re already at rock bottom so anything that happens to you would be better than where you are now.”

Her – “Have you been planning this speech?”

No, I have not been planning this speech, but I’ve thought about it a lot.  And whatever I said to her made her think twice.  She had no argument and actually started to feel hopeful.

I’m thinking about this now, not because I’m suicidal, but because it reminds me of what I’m going through with my business.

It’s like I keep fighting for selfish reasons and the more I fight, the more scared, anxious and depressed I become.  Suicide is all about being scared, not brave.  It’s not about being curious about where your journey takes you, it’s about being in control of when it ends.  The ending is all you’re able to control and you want the tourture to stop.

I’m on a journey, that’s all.  Curiosity is the key in this battle, not fear.

I was talking to an old friend with whom I worked with at the Aquaturf (a banquet facility).

Her – “I hated that job.  I hated going outside to see how beautiful it was and I was stuck there working missing the day.”

Me – “I loved working there.  I loved going outside to see how beautiful it was and I was appreciative that I was there working with people I loved, all in the same boat.”

I felt her mind shift and she said – “Yeah, I need to be more appreciative.”

I felt her entire perspective change in an instant.  Just like it did with the suicidal girl in high school.

I have to remember who I am.  I’m someone who appreciates and loves life and can easily love everyone around me.  I’ve always been thankful, always thankful, always loved.  I got freaking employee of the year at the Aquaturf my first year there (out of hundreds!).  That shows you a bit of just how loved I was, and how much I loved the place.

Owning a business takes all that appreciation and thankfulness away and replaces it with anxiety and fear of losing it all, but my advice to the suicidal girl makes me think twice;  Aren’t I curious to see what happens next?”

It’s like saying “fuck this shit” and going off to actually do something about your problems.

Since August, I’ve been doing everything I can to save my business.  I started washing sheets, changed employee’s to independent contractors, cut hours, I’m in the process of downsizing to a cheaper place that just so happens to be an improvement to where I am now.  And I’m not selling online deals anymore.  Fuck this shit, you know?  Shit’s gotta change.

And here I am on the brink of the precipice.  Waiting for the zoning permit to go through, waiting until next month when the last of the online deals have expired.

I’m waiting for the last of my keys, my two last chances, to open new doors;  No more online deals and a better, more visible location.

I just slept for 12 hours.  It’s Saturday and I have no clients.  But my employee’s have 10 altogether, 3 of which are online deals.  I have to pull $60 out of my ass to pay the therapists who massaged them.

Four of the clients today are members – that money is already gone too, but one of them is paying extra for a bonus birthday massage and another is adding a $25 upgrade for a 90-minute massage.  Two clients are random new clients and the last of the ten scheduled today bought a package of 3 massages at my old business, Massage by Melanie, and that money is definitely gone.

According to the schedule, I’ll make about $190 today.  Plus I need to charge John’s card, a member client whom I massaged yesterday for his birthday massage so that brings me up to $245.

If not for the online deals, my employee’s would be massaging more birthday people and random new clients.  I won’t be negative $60, but plus $120.  And when we move to the better location, we’ll be massaging more new people due to better signage.

I strongly believe that my actions as of late has changed the fate of my business.

Where I went wrong:

  • I let my broken armed therapist sit and answer phones.
  • I hired Anthony to replace her.
  • Sold more online deals to cover the cost of my broken armed therapist now turned receptionist.
  • Had to hire another therapist to help with all the new online deal clients.
  • Hired an esthetician and added facials thinking it would bring in more members.
  • Rented the two empty rooms upstairs because I needed an extra room for facials.

One bad decision, turning my broken armed therapist into a receptionist, snowballed into making more bad decisions.  These decisions cost me thousands upon thousands of dollars.

The upside is, I know exactly what happened.  I know exactly what went wrong.

The first three bullet points are taken care of, now it’s just the last 3 to contend with.  The forth bullet point won’t be cause for concern once the online deals are done with.

Once I move, I won’t be renting the two extra rooms anymore which leaves me with my last problem, my esthetician.

One remedy I thought up is to buy an inferred sauna.  Clients who spend money to use it, will cover the cost of my esthetician to be there.

Right now my esthetician is giving facials to mostly online deal people and once those deals have expired, she’d be lucky to get 3 clients a week.  Facials are not as popular as massage – something I wish I knew before hiring her.

I’m paying her over $800 a month to do facials on people who already bought their facial and who’s money is already gone.  Over $800 a month I have to pull out of my ass, until that is, after next month when the deals expire.  That leaves me with my only idea, the inferred sauna idea.  And to have her preform mini eye-lifts to clients after their massage.

I can’t have her do mini eye-lifts now because I’d hate to have her come in only for a 10-minute session – the cost is too great and I’d lose money.  But with the sauna, it’s more likely I’d get a return on investment.  Plus she can answer phones.

Ugh, owning a business…..shit sucks.  Well, right now it sucks.

You want to see what happens when you ignore problems?


Calcified plaque, hard as rock.  A lifetime of not brushing your teeth.

I have to remember who I am.  I’m actually quite obsessed with oral hygiene.  I’m NOT this person.

And I’ll never give up on anything.


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November 16

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Conscious Speech

The first step into speaking mindfully is to not get emotionally attached to your, well, emotions.

Can’t be done?  Think of it like this; you can spread your emotional marmalade all over a crispy cracker, but you don’t have to actually eat the cracker.

I’m listening to my meditation audiobook and it’s telling me not to get emotionally involved with what my brain is doing.  Eating crackers was the best analogy I came up with.

See it but don’t indulge – don’t satisfy your craving for emotionally charged hormones because that’s all they really are, a way to get your fix.

And boom, you’re in control.  You’re out of the loop.  As long as you let yourself experience the emotional marmalade without seeking answers to fix them, you’ve dislodged yourself from being controlled by them.

The second thing you must do is to realize that nothing is ever about you.  Don’t think of yourself while conversing or confronting, aka, eating the cracker (see first step).  The minute you start indulging in yourself and your “entitled” needs is the precise time you lose conscious, meaningful speech (and thought).

It’s not about you, it’s about the whole.

Always think about the other person or people.  And in doing so, you end up creating exactly who you want to be.  And you become a conscious person not being controlled by emotional needs.  You can see past yourself.

When people tell you to “just be yourself,” conscious thought brings you to this.  To just be yourself means to see past yourself and realize there is no “you”, only the you you want to be.

This involves knowing who you’re not.  It’s not about knowing who you are, but knowing what kind of person you’re not.

There’s actually a name for this.  A few religions include the art of subtraction in their teachings.  Christians call it Via Negative, the negative path.  In Hindu they call it Neti-neti which means “not this, not that.”

I know all this because I lived it.  I taken myself out of the equation and focused all of my attention/empathy on the person I was speaking with.  And the art of subtraction, I learned that on my own in high school when I came to the conclusion that there is no “me”, no set personality.  I had to subtract in order to define.

I was seeing past myself for a very long time until my crazy aunt and OCD cousin moved in, I ran into some trouble, financially and emotionally – I felt trapped and I lost myself.  I indulged on eating those emotional marmalade crackers until my teeth rotted out in my dreams.

When you’re in the hole, you become scared and cling to comfort.  You avoid truth.  You indulge in addictions which includes eating the crackers, trying to find reason where there is none.  Addictions let you escape confronting and accepting emotions.  Talking non-stop, not being present, is as much of an escape (addiction) as heroine.

To sum it up, the only thing you must do in order to be the sun, the gravity in the room, is to see past yourself.  If you do this properly, you’ll witness true reality and see first hand that it’s really not about you.  This can be achieved with conscious speech.

So few people do this, that’s why there aren’t many suns in the room.  You’d be lucky to see one.  One person who is conscious and aware.

To recognize a sun, they are often found in the thick of things but they can step aside from it by choice, which can put people off.  They are equally resented as much as they are loved.  They are the one’s who don’t judge, who often love everyone, and they stop you from eating marmalade crackers because they can’t stomach it themselves.  They can’t watch nor listen to you eat them.  They see it as selfish and they intuitively know that selfishness leads to more suffering.

They don’t take anything seriously which can piss people off.

You know you’re in the presence of a sun if they make you feel good about yourself.  When you like who you are in their eyes, that’s when you’ve met someone who can see past themselves and look into you.

Weak selfish people cling to the suns perception of them, feeding off it like it were a marmalade cracker.  If the sun turns it’s gaze, the selfish will start to shrivel in the shade.  But the thing about the sun is, it’s always bright and giving off light 360 degree’s around – the only thing that’s capable of blocking it is a selfish person’s own ego.

I better end this post.  I’m getting transfixed again.


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My brain is set up like a Plinko game.  I place one ping-pong ball, a thought or idea, into a random slot on the top of my head and let it ping down from one connection to the next until it rests in its arbitrary category.  I have little control over where this thought ends up.

But what happens is, if all my balls end up in a negative category, my mood shifts to negative.  And as my mood shifts to negative, my plinko game turns all it’s possible outcomes into disastrous categories.  No matter where I insert the ball, it ends in calamity.

Sometimes life isn’t about how you play the game, it’s how you prime the board you’re playing on and for me, I play life on the stupidest game of chance, the beloved Plinko.

But lately, I’ve not been categorizing.  It’s like I elongated my board into infinity.  Balls keep pinging from one synapse to the next, but never settling.

I’m not fighting anything because I’m not ending anything.

People think you have to fight in order to stay alive, but with my new improved perspective it’s more like knowing that nothing ever ends.  And if you have the perspective that nothing ever ends, there is no fight.

With that said, my balls get pretty banged up in the process.  They become sore and dirty.

I carry with me, dented-in old dirty balls.  Scoured with years of debris and accumulated filth.  Smelly.

So what do I do with these balls?  Throw them at other people to see if they stick.  They really are quite sticky.

This is where I am right now.  I want to create.  I want to write, paint, play music……I want to rid myself of these sticky balls I carry.

I’m in the process of ridding myself of all selfish desire and in doing so, my world opened up.  I mean, I’m no longer stressed out and running around from one errand to the next – I have my time back.  What I mean by time, I mean my life and what I mean by life, I mean opportunity.

I don’t believe that wanting to throw my sticky balls at people a selfish desire, it’s more like a gift.  The world has ruffled me, scorched my dreams, beat my heart into a bloody pulp – but I’m not done tumbling.  These little nuggets that keep plinking on and on belong not to me, but to the world.  It was the world that created these balls in the first place so it’s only right to send them back out into it.  Of course, after I get my stank all over them.

I haven’t been negative lately.  Not since ridding myself of selfish desire, but I’ve not been optimistic either.  I have all these loose cannon idea’s that have no place, no flavor to suck on.

I guess if they were to have a flavor, it be vanilla.  Instead of having a disgruntled knot in my head, cream has poured itself in its place.

Have I always been so creamy?  So vanilla?

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Getting an oil change

I can’t think straight anymore.  Everything is smeared into one big electric blob of activity that keeps zapping me awake whenever I nod off.

I have a bazillion things to do today, but I’m stuck in Hartford finally getting my oil change.  I wrote a blog post last time I was here, let me try to find it…..Here it is:


Damn I was on a roll that day.  I wrote that in like, an hour.

But while I’m sitting here today, over a year later, I’m answering client emails, texting my employee’s and checking the work schedule – I don’t have time for those kinds of posts anymore.  I don’t have that brain anymore.  When too much is going on, all I want to do is sleep.  Everything goes away when I sleep.  Morphine…give me morphine.

I might be getting sued.  The thing that happened with my business might end up taking a bigger bite of my ass than it already has.

I have to find a lawyer, meet with my insurance agent (an old friend from high school), wash sheets, mail letters, go to the town hall to drop off property tax documents, my friend keeps texting and calling to hang out for the past few months.

I feel like all my close friends are close because of convenience – because they live close by and are accessible.  The further away they live, the less close we are.  Why drive 20 minutes when I can walk to my neighbors?

I’ve been listening to the Bhagavad Gita and it’s telling me to not want anything.  Do your job and don’t do it because you want to be rewarded;  this includes the reward of relaxation.  Doing something because you’ll get to relax after, is considered a reward and that’s no way to live.  It’s not the way to purify the ego.

They say that a lot, “purify the ego.”

And in the bible, psalm 23:  “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” and “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:

Life is the shadow of death.  We’re stuck living inside Plato’s cave allegory.  Trying to manipulate those shadows on the wall only leads to more darkness.

For the past few years, everything I accomplished was based on the idea that I can relax after.  Hiring employee’s was based on that idea!  “I’ll get to relax and do nothing, yay!”

I read my tarot cards last night and it specifically said that my true goal is to live like a hermit so I can reflect and grow wiser.


See the Hermit card?  Second one down on right.  That’s my true goal.  I got the Magician card for my future outcome which is a pretty decent card.

I’m done washing sheets, I talked to my insurance agent and got numbers to a few lawyers, and I’m done with my oil change.  The laundromat locked their back door so I couldn’t go out to do my video.  It’s probably for the best anyway.

Before I contact any defense lawyers, I need to make sure my insurance covers their cost.  My business insurance doesn’t, but my AMTA insurance might.  I’m waiting for them to send me a PDF of my policy.

I had a dream the other night that I was in Alaska boating down a touristy river.  But my boat was too large to navigate around the boulders.  I reached a huge boulder that completely blocked my way, but a man and his son helped me lift the boat to get it over the rocks.

The water was so blue and the landscape was beautiful, and I remember thinking that it was my second time in Alaska and that just a few months prior, I was in Peru which is bizarre since I’m planning to go to Peru next year with a woman I met from New Haven.  That is, if nobody sues the pants off me first.

Not wanting anything and believing that no matter what, I’ll be okay, is really comforting.  For the past 2 days I’ve been practicing this.  The Bhagavad Gita says it takes practice and conscious effort to not desire anything.  They call this practice “yoga”, which is what they refer to as meditation.  It’s crazy since Ayahuasca kept telling me to do yoga if I wanted to get smarter.

Everyday there’s a new maelstrom of shit that splatters me.  Everyday there’s something I gotta fix or deal with.

Me thinking – “If I fix this once, it’ll be done with and I won’t have to worry about it ever again.  I can relax after this.”

And the next day I’m faced with a new challenge, a new shit storm.  I’ve been cruising down this brown streak for months now.

So after hearing the Gita’s advice; working without desiring a reward (including that of relaxation), I’ve decided to wake up each day expecting new challenges and problems.  I resigned to my fate of ongoing obstacles.

I don’t know when I’ll post again.  Since the back door is now locked at the laundromat and I don’t foresee any time to write, it’ll be a while.

I feel like my world is fading to black with this lawsuit looming.  I didn’t need to tell my insurance agent why I wanted more coverage, she already knew.  Everyone knows.

Just for the record, I didn’t do anything wrong and what happened here wasn’t my fault.  The detective know’s it’s not my fault, my clients know it wasn’t, mostly everyone know’s that it was me having shit luck.

Nobody wants to mention it or bring it up because they feel it’s a sore subject.  Like someone close to me died.

It’s tomorrow, weird I didn’t post this already.

My mom, whenever she heats dishes in the microwave, always covers her food with a plastic vented lid that once belonged to her mother.

The plastic vented lid is old, super old, and mom examined it yesterday wondering if maybe it was time she retired it.  But she couldn’t do it.  She couldn’t throw it away.

Mom – “It belonged to my mother.  I can’t throw it out.  Mom?  What should I do?”

As soon as she asked that question, the plastic lid slid out of her fingers and cracked itself in two on the floor.  Which to me, is an impossible feat.  If you seen how durable this lid was, you’d agree.

My Mother, if she wasn’t a believer before, is one now.  She said she nearly peed herself.

Mom – “It was like Nana was telling me to let it go.”

Anyway, I woke up today expecting the usual disasters to strike, but there were none.  I actually slept until my body naturally woke itself up this morning – nothing in the world feels more refreshing than a natural wake-up.

I stopped stressing about getting sued.  If it happens, it happens.  There won’t be any stopping it.  But the Gita says to always do my best, never give up and always do what’s right no matter what the outcome may be.

I’m going to dedicate a post to the Bhagavad Gita once I’m done reading it.  I bought the hard copy since I fall asleep when listening to the audio.

I also found the meditation book that spurred my two seconds of emptiness.  It’s a short book with 90 pages, but I only read up to page 27.  It came with a CD but I never listened to it.  It’s called Adyashanti True Meditation and it’s written by some white guy.  Him being white kinda turned me off, but the book is really good.  I mean, I only read 27 pages and experienced emptiness using his method – that’s pretty impressive if you ask me.

And now, I must get back to my original task at hand…..binge watching Scream Queens on Hulu.

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I got bored so I wrote something. Here it is.


I’ll be washing sheets for at least 2 more months, if not 3.  My new landlord has to apply for a permit before my business can move in and the town hall can’t get to it until December.

I must wait.  Not only must I wait, but I should probably go to a town hall meeting to see how strict this jury is.  I mean, I’m applying for a massage business to be placed across the street from two churches, in the town’s historic district no less.  We’ll be visible and known to EVERYONE.  And lets face it, the place that I’m running now brought shame and perversion to my town.  Leave it to me, you know?

But they don’t know that….At least, they don’t know it was me.

I’ll literally be in the thick of exposure.  Almost the entire town will drive by my exorbitant signage on a daily basis.

In the meantime, I’ve been sending prayers to my past self.  My younger self that is having anxiety and panic attacks.  I’m telling her to hang in there, everything will be okay.

I didn’t much appreciate this advice when I first intuited it, but I can’t give myself any premonitions or hints because I might stray off my path.  I need to feel the fear, you know?  Otherwise nothing would change and I’ll be left with nothing.

The horrible thing that happened at my business may actually be a catalyst for my ultimate goal of running a turn-key spa.  One where I can leave it for months at a time without a hitch.

I’m thinking about joining an eco-village, or a commune for a few months.  So I can get away and write my book.  Maybe learn how to farm.

I hate being a dreamer.  Even if my dreams really do come true, I’ll still want more.  More blogging, more travel, more video’s, more people, all because I don’t want to grow old and pointless in the end.  There’s got to be more, you know what I mean?  I don’t want to miss anything important.  Anything that can bring lasting happiness.

I don’t want to miss out on living through some awesome stories.

What I don’t understand is, how can people have kids if they aren’t already complete with themselves?  It’s like if I have a child now, while I’m incomplete, I’ll only pass on and infect my offspring with my incompleteness.

I had a dream the other day that I was loved.  I forgot what it felt like.  I’m not talking about being desired, or lusted after, no, I’m talking about being sincerely loved by someone with no ulterior motives.  The lusting is a mere byproduct, an afterglow.  A wonderful afterglow at that.

I know that’s something I’m missing, and it’s incredibly important, but I’m not complete yet and I’ll only infect others with my incompleteness.

I need my business to be strong so it sustains me.  I need to be self-sufficient.  That is my only goal – to be self sufficient without selling my soul to the highest bidder.  Basically, I’m earning my freedom, not my retirement.  Life’s too short to work only for retirement.

I’m just too damn busy for romance.

I never want anything that I can’t have.  I know that goes against everything we’ve heard, but it’s true.  I’m wearing the same sneakers from five years ago because I can’t buy new ones and because I can’t buy new ones, I don’t want a new pair.  I have no desire.  But I think this is true for a lot of people.

Needs are different from Wants.  I don’t need new sneakers, so I don’t want them.  I’ve always been like this.

Because we know the minute we start wanting something is the same minute we start feeling unhappy and unappreciative.

At this time, even at the ripe ol’ age of 35, I still don’t want a relationship.  Why?  Because I don’t need one.

Why am I thinking about this?  Because I fantasized about my future and fulfilling all my hopes and dreams and it still felt incomplete.  Like something was missing.

But I’m not ready yet.  My life isn’t boring and stable enough yet.  I haven’t played enough video games.






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October 17

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Boring work stuff, skip over it

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