Remembering Henry

I wrote about my friend Henry a while ago.  He’s the poor guy who lived in a ramshackle apartment and had his mom bring him McDonalds for supper every night.

He was in a dire situation then, so it seemed.  Rock bottom from my perspective but no, not rock bottom.  Now he’s at rock bottom.  Or at least I hope it’s rock bottom this time.

He’s been living in the woods behind my house for the past 6 weeks!

I’m supposed to see him tomorrow.  It’s so weird how he’s back in my life now of all times – right after writing a post about how I’ll never help anyone who refuses to help themselves.  It figures of all times he picks now to call me.  It’s just his luck.

In the meantime, I have to prepare for my trip to Thailand.  Prepare my business and employee’s, train a new therapist, go to Minnesota to see an old friend for thanksgiving, pick up the slack from my employee who gave me a weeks notice and dropped 4 days off her schedule, and go to the Thai embassy in New York to apply for a visa.  I leave on December 6.  Well, technically it’s December 7 at 2 am when I start my travels.  Which gives me 11 days to do everything in.

I’m staying 6 days over the 30 day allowance they give visitors to Thailand.  I went on a Trip Advisor forum today and asked what I should do.  One guy told me I may not be able to leave the states if I’m staying over 30 days without a visa.

The closest embassy is in New York, an hour and 44 minutes away from my house….and processing time takes two days which means I’ll have to go back there.

Damn I just want to leave already.  11 days!

Tomorrow I have to pick up my malaria pills which are $120, get two photo ID’s taken at CVS, go to the bank to get $300 in thai money, massage a client, I’m supposed to see Henry, I really need to visit my friend who just had surgery and keeps texting me to visit her, have keys made for my new employee….Go to Stop & Shop for tissues and toilet paper for work.

I hate having stuff to do.  Why do people purposely stay busy?  Why?  It sucks!

I told my parents and my brother about Henry.  I asked them if Henry is stuck outside a homeless shelter with no beds left, can he crash here?  My mom said it’s up to my brother and my brother said no.

The sensor light attached to the shed in our backyard won’t turn off.  My mom thinks Henry is out there.  My brother went and locked the shed up for the first time ever today.  My mom thinks Henry is locked inside it.  That’s why the light won’t turn off.

Some guy I know gave me a matchbox…..

Him – “I want you to bring this to Thailand.”

He hands me a matchbox with no other instructions on what to do with it. I thought they were waterproof emergency matches.

Me – “What’s this?”

Him – “My dog.”

Me – “Ummm, your dog?  You mean his ashes?”

Him – “Yeah.”

Me – “You want me to spread your dogs ashes in Thailand?”

Him – “Yes.  Please.”

Me – “Why don’t you spread them in Alaska?”

Him – “I am.”

I shook the box and a bunch of ashes fell out of it.

I’m tempted to throw the box away.  I’m horrible.  But I hardly know the guy and I have different beliefs than he does.

I don’t care where the hell my ashes end up.  It be cool if they ended up in my hometowns water supply (before filtration of course), but other than that I don’t give a shit so why should I care about ashes from a dog I never met owned by a strange guy I hardly know?

I better catch some zzzz.  It’s late.

And the odyssey of my life continues…..

 

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Miserable Melanie

My crazy aunt and homoscidal cousin are back here living with us again.  My happiness lasted for about a day and a half….

Damn hard day today was.

I had to go into work early for a client I never massaged before.  He was a man with a Groupon – he bought his massage from an online deal site and if I had one of my therapists massage him, it would’ve only cost me $3.

I pay my therapists $10 when they don’t have any clients, and $13 an hour for online deal clients (I know it sounds cheap, but we’re not massaging many deal clients anymore).

So, I went into work and saved myself $3.  I resented being there – I loathed it.  I was only there because of a technical malfunction.  He was a big black man with thick dreads and he kept his shorts on so I couldn’t massage anything above the knee (because his shorts were in the way), he didn’t want to put his head in the face cradle which made it hard for me to massage his neck and shoulders – and he wanted his abdomen massaged.  His thick dreads got in the way of massaging his neck.  Basically it sucked.  He was really nice though…

When the 60-minutes were up and I told him his massage was over, he looked up at me and said, “I thought I had 90 minutes?”

I’m the one who booked the appointment and there was no mention of it being 90-minutes.

Damn.  I massaged him all over again in a half-hour.  He liked it though, so that’s what’s important.

I worked a lot this week and kept reminding myself that starting next week, my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays for me.  I’ll be free.  I always think I’ll be free, but no matter how many therapists I got working for me, I seem to always get booked.

I went home after massaging Mr. Dreadlocks and watched some TV and tried to relax without letting my crazy aunt and cousin eat at me little by little with running water and weird OCD grunts and my aunt saying “I love you, I’ll be right there” to her 45 year old son plugging up his ears and humming to himself – no he has no mental retardation.

“I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.”  I opened my laptop to look at apartments.

“20 more members.  I need 20 more members and I can afford one.”

I started going crazy.  Members.  All I could think about were members.  I need I need, I want I want.  I started spiraling into that dark place of hopelessness.  My whole world revolving around members.

“I need to pay my debt first.  I need more members to pay off my debt.”

“I’m stuck.  I’m stuck here.”

I closed my laptop and took a deep breath and thanked the lord I was going to Thailand.  I thanked the lord for giving me 128 members.  I thanked my new therapist who’ll be taking over Tuesdays and Wednesdays for me.  Thank you thank you thank you!

I went back to work for my last two clients.  One of whom being one of my favorite people to massage.  I made a full recovery out of the spiraling darkness.  How the hell do I do that?  My resilience never ceases to amaze me – seriously!

But then I got smacked in the gut hard with a dagger of a fist.

My new therapist:  “I have to tell you something and it’s not good news, but not horrible either.”

Me:  “Are you pregnant?”

Before she responded to that, I braced myself and remembered to remain calm.  Breathe, just breathe Mel.  Is asking an employee if they’re pregnant considered sexual harassment?  Probably.

New therapist:  “No, I got offered another job with benefits at a hospital and I need to cut my hours.  I can only work Tuesdays starting on the first.”

Me:  “Oh….”

New therapist:  “I feel bad because I asked for all those new hours.”

Is that why you feel bad?  You don’t feel bad because you’re only giving me a weeks notice and I’m going to freaking Thailand in two weeks?!

I didn’t say that, but I was screaming it in my head.  On the exterior, I was calm and understanding.

No no no no oh please god no no no no.

As soon as she left, I went on the schedule and blocked her shifts off before anyone else can book with her online.  Of course she had clients booked up until Dec 22, of course.  And of course she works Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday – why wouldn’t she?  Without her here, I’ll only have one therapist working weeknights for all of December while I’m in Thailand.  And we are BUSY.  We’re actually doing phenomenal here as far as clients and money goes – this month felt like a gift from god monetary wise.  But money means nothing if clients aren’t happy.

“I have to find someone ASAP ASAP!”

I went on zip recruiter to repost my job ad, but my initiation price expired and the price they wanted went up to $100 a month.  WTF zip recruiter?

I grabbed my old pile of job applicants and sifted through them instead.

“no, no, definitely not her, eh, nah, wait who’s this?  Oh yes!  Oh please oh please god….”

I found an application from a girl who applied here in April when we first opened.  I loved her and wanted to hire her but I held back because she didn’t seem confident enough.

I rolled my chair back over to the desktop and typed her up a pleading email.  Well, not horribly pleading, but pleading enough.  I sent it.

I waited 5 minutes.  I waited 10 minutes.  I was just staring at the computer screen.

“That’s all I can do.  I can’t do anything else about it tonight so I should just go home.”

But I didn’t go home, no.  I texted her instead.  She replied with:

IMG_2127

 

And once again, I made a full recovery back into feeling fantastic.  She’s willing to put in her two weeks at her other job tomorrow.  Words can’t explain how thankful I am.

The girl who cut her hours, honestly I didn’t think much of her anyway.  She’s one of those athletic types, you know what I mean?  Running, lifting, drinking kerotine or whatever it’s called.  I don’t get it.  I’m not saying she’s a bad person, just one of those types who have absolutely nothing in common with me.  It’s always the athletic type that I have the least in common with.  It’s weird because I really like karate and I run to my car in parking lots.

The person I have the most in common with?  My 22 year old puerto rican male therapist.  I adore him!  He ran track in high school, but he did it for fun because he thought he was the fasted kid ever.  We discuss video games and how much we don’t like dating.  And he has a true bona-fide love for people just like I do.  I can see it just by the way he treats people – he really cares.  He treats old people with genuine kindness.  Not to mention he’s a goldmine as far as clients re-booking with him goes.

Male therapist:  “We’re like the same person you and me, it’s scary.”

Me:  “Ha ha, I know!”

This new girl I’m hiring, I feel like she’ll be a narcissistic supply for me, you know what I mean?  One of those people who feeds ego’s.  All my other employee’s make me feel good about myself, sure, but then you meet someone who looks up to you and they hang on your every word more so than normal.  It’s not about love, but admiration and inferiority.

When something inspires you, it’s because you want to find that same hidden gift inside yourself.  It’s not real love, but a key.  Once that lock is opened, the love for the thing that once inspired you is gone and you’re left with nothing but love for yourself.  I know this is true, trust me.

And once you’ve opened the gift inside yourself, you want to keep it by never returning the power back to its source, so you push the original owner of the key down into inferiority.  Gaining power is what happens.  Stupid ego…

This is why celebrity gossip can crush a career.  Why oceans of people can tear a person down who once stood so high.  If celebrities, politicians, or any type of leader can make a mistake, that means they’re no better than the rest of us.  All their greatness gets transferred over to the people judging them.   It’s inspiring to know that great people are no better than the rest, so we keep the offenders far below our stilettos until we get inspired by a new target that is far more superior than anyone who has ever lived in our lifetime!  And then of course, ruthlessly crush them when they fail.

Martyr’s…I guess it’s part of our evolutionary process.

Truthfully, ego-feeders annoy me because of this.  But they have no idea what’s going on, so they can’t help it.

Whenever I’m admired I always I have the thought in my head, “find your own, don’t take mine.”  Because that’s what it feels like.  It feels like taking someone else’s gold nuggets without bothering to find your own.

I end up sounding rude, impatient, or being in a generally bad mood.

It’s a good thing I don’t have many admirers.  It’s a shitty thing to be admired.

 

 

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My OCD Cousin Who Wants to Kill Me

I haven’t wrote about him in a while.

When I was 25 years old, my aunt and her son moved in with me and my parents.  Now here it is almost 10 years later, and they’re still here.  Well, I shouldn’t still be living here but that’s a different story (next year I’m buying a house!).

So, these two individuals, my aunt and my cousin, are among the two most dysfunctional people I’ve ever met.  My cousin only leaves his room to go to the bathroom and he stays in the bathroom for hours at a time using up all the hot water.  On days he has to poop (usually once a week), him and his mother rent a hotel room so he can take a 20 hour shower after having done his “duty”.

My cousin refuses to allow his mother to buy a car, so she has to rent one.  My aunt blew through $250,000 just on rental cars – money from her deceased husbands life insurance policy.  She used to have a really nice house, but the bathroom floor caved in from mold and water damage and they didn’t keep up with the mortgage payments and had to foreclose.

Today was my mother’s breaking point.

My aunt owes my mom $3000 (money she doesn’t have since her sole job is to look after her son who has to be at least 45 by now [he doesn’t work either]).  And instead of paying my mom back, she pretends to.

Mom – “Where’s the money that you owe me?  My bill came in.”

Aunt – “I put it on the desk.”

There was only $5 on my dad’s desk.

Mom – “No you didn’t, where is it?”

Aunt – “It’s there, or someone took it.”

I wasn’t here when all this went down, but I heard that it ended with a bout of screaming.  Finally after all these years, my mom told her sister to get the fuck out of her house.

Finally!

So now my aunt is staying with my Aunt Rosemary, who just so happens to have a dysfunctional son of her own.

The hard truth is, I don’t care where they go as long as they’re not here.  A big weight has lifted, a dark shadow that hung over our house for these last 10 years is dissipating.

My brother thinks they’ll be back.  They always come back.  For once I’m more hopeful than he is.

Anywho, in other news….

My brother bought out his ex-fiance’s share of their business making him the sole owner of an upscale spa.  They do hair, nails, facials, scrubs, massage – they even have one of those fancy spa-type showers with all thems jets that squirt at you from every angle.

Now that he’s the sole owner, completely detached from his conniving ex, I want to see him succeed now more than ever.  I hate it that his spa is literally two minutes away from mine.  I hate that I can potentially damage his business.

I know it may not sound like a big deal, but in case you don’t know me by now – I feel everything incredibly deep – it cuts right into me.

The best visual I can give you to understand how I feel towards my brother taking on a $175,000 business debt and not knowing if he’ll succeed is this:  Think of a woman cradling an infant.  The woman crying profusely, stroking the infants head and telling it “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

The visual doesn’t make much sense, but that’s what popped into my head.  The bigger my business gets, the smaller his looks.  And he’s trying so hard!

But no matter what happens, I’ll never stop growing.  What I’ve built has too much freaking potential – too much.  I’ll never do hair, nails, scrubs, or the kind of facials he offers, but I WILL get big.  Everyone in town will have heard of us, or know someone that’s a member here.

If I back down now in fear that it will mess up his business, I’ll stagnate.  Before I ever see a profit, I’ll lose.  It’s not any different from my parents letting my crazy aunt and cousin live here.  My parents acquiesced to them and in return they lost 10 years of peace along with $3,000 – my aunt and cousin, never getting better, just growing older and more stupid – maybe resentful even.

I’ll never concede, never acquiesce.  I’ll not give hand-outs to people who take advantage.  People who don’t work or try – especially to those who lie, steal, and scream in your face that you’re the crazy one (what my aunt did to my mom).

I’ll never sacrifice my happiness to replace it with someone else’s misery.

Tomorrow will be my last long day of work in a very long time.  It’s my last Wednesday of being on the schedule and I’m booked – fully booked.  It’s going to suck.  But then it’s just weekends from there on out.

We all have challenges to face.  If there were no ways at winning these challenges, we wouldn’t be faced with them.  There’s always a solution.  For me, the best way to find a solution is to figure out what my desired outcome is (my intentions).  And more often than not, my most desired outcome is freedom and happiness.

If you don’t know what you want, you’ll never get it.  You’ll never find a solution.  And I bet my bottom dollar that everyone’s most desired outcome (when at their ultimate level of clarity) is freedom and happiness.  But our intentions get skewed into mistaking power for freedom and revenge for happiness.  Revenge towards the people who hurt or angered you, and power for it to never happen again.

It’s living in the matrix of our one shared emotional ego web.  Completely entangled, engulfed.

Anyway, I think I’m done for the night.

 

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More business stuff – just skip over it

I woke up a few days ago and got hit with an intense desire to extend my personal line of credit so I can pay off my Amazon credit card.

It sounds like an everyday occurrence, mundane, nothing special, but the reason it’s special to me is because of the intensity and the velocity of how the idea struck.  It came out of nowhere and I was like, “yes of course!  Why didn’t I think of it sooner?”

The thing is, I want to invest in micro-current facial equipment for my business.  A good device can range between $4,000-$8,000.  In order for me to ensure my credit score remains healthy enough to buy this equipment, I have to pay down my outstanding credit card balances.  But me being the impertinent sort that I am, hates to wait.

I fell asleep thinking about this and woke up the next day with a fierce desire to go to the bank.

After my shower, moments after the idea struck, I opened my laptop to read some emails and what do I find?  An email from my bank telling me to make an appointment with them to discuss my financial future.  They NEVER send me emails let alone one that tells me I should have a consultation with them – I’m being serious, they never do this.

I’m only bringing all this up because it really did feel celestial.  And I just got done paying off my balances online, so it’s still fresh in my head.

I went to the bank, grabbed a lollipop and nonchalantly sucked my way into a loan.

“Can I extend my personal line of credit to add another $5,000?  I want to pay off my Amazon credit card.”  I said before popping the lollipop back in my pie hole.

“I have a better idea.  You’ll be able to pay off your credit card and your personal line of credit too if you consolidate everything into a small loan.”

“I’m sold, let’s do it.”

I’m really not this much of a bone head, but it felt right.  You know what I mean?  My $14,000 debt is all cleared away and I’m left with a clean $15,000 personal line of credit and zero balance on all my cards.  Well, technically I still have to pay back that $14,000 but I’m left with a HUGE safety net and the ability to buy my micro-current facial machine.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s a risk.  As most things are.  But I’ve been snooping around on esthetician forums and all I hear are good things about micro-current facials.  It’s a huge investment but with great payoffs.

I just need more people to sign up to the membership first.  Even with 124 members, I still need to make at least $100 a day to break even.  If I sell 30 more memberships, that figure drops to less than $50 a day I need to make.

I’m not worried about hitting $50 a day, that’s easy for us.  $100 a day ain’t too difficult either.  But the machine, the cost of hiring an esthetician, renting the two rooms upstairs, well shit.

This is why I’m in repose, incubation.  I’m in a good sturdy position financially, but it’s not enough for me to take the next leap.  I’ll have to wait until those 26 new members find us.  Only 26 more…

Once I have 150 members….

$650 for upstairs offices = 13 members

Esthetician for 25 hours a week = $425 X 4 = $1,700 = 34 members

Facial machine $100 a week X 4 = $400 = 8 members

When all said and done, I’ll need 55 more members in order for me to get back down to only needing to make $50 a day.  And with my meal ticket ( the micro-current facials), getting people signed up will be cake.  Not to mention they’ll have to pay an additional $25 every time they opt for a facial instead of a monthly massage.

The facial machine will have to wait for now.  I have an alternate plan in the meantime, one that will attract new clients and let us keep the one’s we already have.  And it will allow me to pay down my loan debt until I feel secure enough to invest in the micro-current equipment.

After 150 members, I’ll rent the two rooms upstairs.

Train one of my therapists to learn ashiatsu (that’s when they walk on your back).

Pay half of my loan.

After at least 20 more sign-up’s (bringing me up to 170), invest in the micro-current facial equipment and hire an esthetician.

And that’s when things will really start to tip in my favor.

My business is following invincible steps.  Steps that are no different from the one’s I took to get here.  Action, rest, turn the page, action, rest, turn the page.  Only with business it’s;  invest, collect, move forward.  Invest, collect, move forward.

I’m in the collecting phase at the moment.  It’s my favorite phase to be in because it’s like finding a secure safe haven during a zombie apocalypse.

I need sleep.  I have a ton of shit to do tomorrow.  One of which is to stand outside my business wearing a Star Wars stormtrooper costume next to a whopper of a sign that says “we support our troops.”

Yeah, I’m that cool.

To be continued……

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Wabi Sabi

wabisabileaf

wabi sabi

 

I’m going through a period of repose and it reminds me of the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi.  It touches on the three main buddhist teachings of impermanence, suffering, and emptiness.  I suffered, I changed, and what come’s next can be found in the emptiness.

When I go into repose, suffering no longer effects me, my past has passed, I let go and when a person let’s go – the emptiness shines through.  A new cycle begins.  A new direction.

I wrote about my two-seconds with emptiness and without going into too much detail all I can say is WOW.  Possibilities.  Infinite possibilities.

Sinshwan:  The only viable move is to not move.

That’s what I feel while in repose.  To not do anything until I gather enough faith to see it out.  To me personally, visualizing an outcome is in exact proportion to your faith.  Until I have a clear visual – sinshwan bitches.  Sinshwan till my little hearts content.

I’m now up to 121 members which means I’ll have an extra $1,000 added to my monthly budget.  I sent out one email promoting the membership deal and it sold 17 memberships.  My suffering can no longer affect me, I can take a deep breath – now I must incubate.

I am the picture of a working Wabi Sabi.

wabi sabi

I’m like grass.  I grow, I prosper, but just as I start to really reach, someone comes by swinging their big blade around and chops my head off.

In the meantime, the tall grass sits on their sunny perch looking down at me bowing their heads.  “Don’t reach too far Melanie.”  They all say.  At least not yet.  Not while your vision is still incubating.

I’ve been incubating all day and you know what?  There’s no place I’d rather be than here in my room.  Seriously, no place.

Which makes me wonder why exactly, am I going to Thailand for 5 weeks when I can see and learn all about it from here?  From the safety and comfort of home?

Oh yeah, emotional connections.  Learning through experience.  I can practice Wabi Sabi all I want when I get back, only this time aged and changed to fit my new scale of beauty.  A bit more ragged and refined.

Learning without having an emotional experience is like having two hands grow out of your heart trying to feel itself but never being able to.  Just like a blade of grass getting its head chopped off.  You’ll never see or understand anything.  You MUST experience it through emotions.

You must sit.  Then experience.  Than sit some more.  Each cycle is necessary.  Each cycle no matter how redundant it may feel like to you, is a necessary step.

Waitressing from the ages of 18 – 28, necessary.  Working at Massage Envy – necessary.  Working in my own little stink-hole office – necessary.  After each leap, there is a fall.  There is a period of rest.  Some leaps require more time to climb while some rests require more time to sit.

And with each new vision, the clarity of that vision is in exact proportion to how well you can clearly define yourself.  How well and how authentic your actions fit in with your truest intentions.  To know faith is to know yourself.  It’s no easy task.  Trust me, it taken 10 years of waitressing for me to realize what my truest intentions were;  To drink and be merry.  But as it is with all dreamers, I was never content.  I knew something was missing but I never sat still long enough to figure out what it was.  I was always being pulled either by friends, or an empty wallet.

In a few weeks my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays which leaves Saturdays and Sundays as the only two days I have to work each week.  All clients during the week will be by request only.  In two – three months, I’ll have at least 150 members and once I reach 150 members, I can play out my vision.  My vision in which my little business will tip itself into success.  It starts with hiring a sixth employee to work my weekends.  I’ll be free.  Free enough to see even more visions.

When you take yourself out of stress, out of work, out of responsibilities, only then you’ll start to think clear.

If you’re broke, have no money – you’ll not think clear.  If you pity yourself, feel inferior, are jealous of others – you’ll not think clear.

Thinking clear means finding your faith and it feels a lot like falling in love.  You fall in love with your potential.  You see yourself plainly.  And if you don’t like what you see, you have the sight to see it and change it.

I’ve always been in love with myself.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve always loved myself.  I love who I am.  I don’t know what it’s like to feel any other way, so I can’t teach anyone to love themselves when I don’t know what it’s like not to.

But I do have high’s and low’s.  When a low hits, it’s because I stopped trusting myself.  I stopped seeing my potential.  My dreams remain in an untouched fantasy world and my head gets chopped off by people’s judgements along with my own self pity.  Waitressing for 10 years left me with a perpetual headless corpse of a dreamer unfulfilled.

But no matter what happens to me, I’ll always find my faith again.  Always.  I mean, that’s what faith is for, right?  Always being there?

People give up because they think it’s too late for them, or too much work, not enough reward.  Let me just tell you, from all my years as a headless corpse – follow you damn heart and quit ur bitchen.

And until you have a clear visual, sinshwan mutha fucka sinshwan.

Sinshwan is where the biggest changes happen.  As long as you know how to do it properly.  The way to do it is said in this post.  The totality of this post is the way into understanding transitional periods of incubation.  A real turning of the chapter, you know?

It’s hard for me to say that 10 years of my life can fit into one chapter.  But where there is no change, there is no need for incubation.  Where there is no heart, there is no mend.  Where there is no faith, there is no awareness of yourself.  And where there’s no awareness of yourself, there’s no reflection, no understanding, no conscious development.  Drink and be merry.  Stay busy.

What’s in my head is so freaking hard to put into words.  But I swear as if my life depends on it – authenticity and awareness of character is the center of courage, where it all begins.

Know your heart.

And my heart just so happens to be taking me to Thailand with a beautiful person in less than a month.

The ground evaporates under me and mists into cascading flowers floating all around.

That’s what it feels like to follows one’s own heart.

 

 

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How to buy cheap plane tickets online

Short story:

The best way for me personally is to use Google flights.

Long story:

I hate buying plane tickets. I spent hours pouring over choices and comparing tickets on Priceline, Expedia, Travelocity, what-have-you. None of them come close to the power of Google Flights. You simply type in where and when, to and fro – and BAM a calendar pops up with the lowest price available. It’s a calendar that shows you what days are cheapest to fly on. All right there on one page without having to re-type new dates in and search again and again from website to website.

It compares prices for you. Click on the day you want to fly on with a price you can afford and it shows you where you can buy that ticket for that price which is usually Priceline, Expedia, Travelocity….etc. But the odd thing is, when searching through one of these websites (priceline..etc) for a flight, they skip over and don’t list all your options. You can ONLY find these flights on Google Flights.

I tried buying a plane ticket to Thailand and every site that I went to, they had me flying to Chicago, than Tokyo, than Thailand. Or Texas, than Tokyo, than Thailand – all really long layovers with 35+ travel time. Tickets ranging from $1600 – $2000. And in Tokyo, some flights wanted me to go to Tokyo and board a plane at an entirely different airport during a 30 minute layover! WTF, right?

I searched on Google flights and what do I find? China Air! China Air was everywhere! And they don’t take me to Chicago or Taxes – hell, they don’t even take me to Tokyo. I have one stop in Canada and then it’s a straight shot to Thailand. Travel time? 27 hours. Price of ticket? $1100.

So anyways……

It’s done. My parents know I’m leaving, I have almost everything I need for the trip. My first four days are already planned out which includes seeing the Jade Buddha and the Grand Palace.

My business is in the red zone, meaning, running low on funds.  I’m only going to Thailand because I have perfect faith that this month I’ll sell enough memberships to cover all my monthly bills and then some.  Perfect faith.  Yes.

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Ayahuasca in Ecuador

(For anyone wanting to read about the effects of ayahuasca, you should read my first experience with it here.)

ecuador

This post is long overdue.  I didn’t keep a journal while I was there which makes it hard for me to write about it especially now being that it was over two months ago.  I did however film a few videos that I’m not too keen on sharing (a big reason for procrastinating this post).

I remember the first day of my trip very clearly.  Getting off the plane and arriving in Ecuador.  I arrived late and had to stay in Cuenca all by myself the first night.

My first trip to do ayahuasca, I was sweating bullets.  I had to down a few beers before getting on the plane and even on the plane, I couldn’t escape the anxiety.  I didn’t have a panic attack thank god – but the anxiety was very severe.  That flight I taken to Columbia was the last time I felt deep inescapable fear without it crossing over in to a panic attack.

This time around was the complete opposite.  My parents knew where I was going, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone ratting on me (yes someone actually threatened me with that!), and I did ayahuasca before, I knew the shamans, knew the people – I was relieved to go and escape life for a while.  This was at a time when I massaged 8 hours a day, six days a week.  I was too worn out to be scared of anything at that point.

My arrival to Ecuador played out like a fairytale.  I taken a taxi to my hostel and enjoyed a quiet nights sleep before waking up early the next day having to take another taxi back to the airport.

“We’re going to the airport too.  We can drive you.”

Said a seemingly nice couple enjoying their continental breakfast.

“That would be wonderful!”  I proclaimed goofily.

This is what idiots do abroad – accept invitations by complete strangers.  And yes, I AM an idiot abroad.  They seemed nice enough though.

Before I go any further, here’s a video of when I first arrived in my hostel.  I don’t recommend that you actually watch these video’s, but since I didn’t keep a journal, they’re pretty much all that I have of my trip.

I found my box of soup and it didn’t bursted like I thought it would.  I was so tired that I stopped filming and started eating my soup and crackers while watching The Simpsons in spanish.

So anyways, there I was getting a free ride back to the airport.

“Where you headed?”  Asked one of my new companions.

“I need to find a shuttle bus to take me to [I forgot the name of the town I was going to].”

“I’m from there!  What will you be doing?”

“A spiritual retreat.”

“I’m actually going to Peru today for that exact same thing!  I’ll make sure you find your shuttle before we leave you.”

When we arrived at the airport, my companion started speaking in spanish to an airport guy – not a whole lot of people spoke English there so I was very thankful.

An airport guy pointed the way to the shuttle busses.

In the email I received prior to the trip, it stated that the shuttle busses are to the right of the airport as soon as you come out of it – but as it turned out, it was a right,  a left, then a walk down a few blocks – not good instructions for an idiot abroad.

The airport worker seen my confusion and offered to walk me there himself.  He spoke little English but found the words to tell me that he won’t leave me until I get safely on the correct shuttle.

I hugged both of my new companions good-bye and thanked them profusely before being handed over to the airport guy.

“You shouldn’t walk alone.”  He said in broken English.

“Is it dangerous?”

“During the day a little, but at night yes.  Very dangerous.  And what you have on…..”

It was so hot that I opted on wearing a tank top.  A youngish girl with a backpack wearing a tank top – walking alone in one of the most poorest area’s of Ecuador is not a good combo.

He kept his promise and got me on the correct shuttle.  Thank goodness he was there because nobody spoke a word of English.

I slept for most of the way there.  I passed so many little restaurants.  They were more like outdoor kitchens.  Everyone ate outside on cheap plastic Coca Cola patio sets.  Everything looked poor and rundown as opposed to Columbia where there was no litter and the houses looked newer.

I fell asleep watching the ramshackle houses go by and woke up a few hours later to my ears being blocked up from the effects of high altitude.  We were in the mountains and I had to put on my sweatshirt, then a half hour later, I put on my jacket.

After a long five hours, I arrived to my destination with time to spare.  It was the [forgot the name] airport.

I was hungry so I grabbed myself a mini pizza from the airport cafeteria and waited for my new spiritual seeking friends to arrive.

We all met up and everyone was lovely.  There were Canadians and people from Jersey.  One woman from Jersey had a stash of cocoa leaves that she swears heals just about everything.  One of the Canadian boys was suffering from altitude sickness and been miraculously cured by the cocoa leaves.  We were up 9,000 ft.

We piled into another shuttle to take us to Gaia Sagrada – way up in the Andes mountains (the longest continental mountain range in the world!).  We needed a special driver because only two taxi’s in all of Ecuador know how to get there.

Basically, my arrival magically slipped into place.  When I needed help – no, not even – before I needed help, there were people there to guide me.  My appreciation was at an all-time high.

But after that first day, I don’t remember much.  I have a horrible memory, that’s why I write.

Here is another video for you guys….

The thing I didn’t like about this particular ayahuasca ceremony is that first off, it was cold, and secondly – people weren’t allow to talk or walk around.  To be able to talk and walk around clears my head from the fog you feel in the beginning of your ayahuasca experience.  Without being able to walk around, I remained in that fog for the entire night.

Here’s another video: [Warning:  This video is very long and uneventful.  Try to go easy on me.  I was exhausted and stretched to my limit.]

 

Nearly everyone was pissing me off that day.  It was supposed to be about love!

And here’s the last video that I made while in Ecuador:

Those last few nights in Ecuador consisted of dancing with the locals, mud baths, getting shit-faced, reuniting with some of our retreat pals, getting yelled at a few times by cute Ecuadorian cops, getting locked out of our hostel at 3 AM…. I think that about covers it.

There’s a lot more that happened on the trip other than what the video’s provide, but it’s too far gone to capture it.

Now I’m laying in bed tired as hell as usual.

My Mother went on a comfort food cooking spree that lasted for about 2 weeks.  Lasagna, hamburgs, loaves of meat concoctions – not a shred of veggies anywhere.  Then getting bombarded with clients at work redeeming their expiring vouchers – going out a few times, my insomnia still won’t let up….

I was supposed to go hiking today but had to call it off.  I need to get back to a regular sleep routine, exercise, and start eating healthy.  I feel like shit.  It’s 6:30 PM and I want to sleep.  I don’t know how people with kids (let alone a husband/boyfriend) do it.  I don’t know how people have regular jobs!  At least with my job there’s light up ahead – a reprieve from work.

Starting today I can go back to enjoying the comforts of having people work for me.  By next month I’ll have more members signed up to my membership program along with plans to expand.  As the months move along, I’ll be working less and less.  I’m working towards earning my freedom.  Our innate human right.

I’ve decided to go to Thailand in December with Brianna, the girl who held my hand during the ayahuasca ceremony and told me that she loves me.  We get along swimmingly and this opportunity may not happen again if I delay it.

This is not my favorite compilation.  I didn’t film a whole lot while I was over there and had nothing but scraps to work with.  I picked this song because it matched the mood and shamans from all over the world believe that fire cleanses everything.

I had an experience during my last ayahuasca ceremony having to do with fire, but I’m still not in the correct frame of mind to write about it.  I’ve been waiting for it to come, but apparently it’s not happening anytime soon.

Too many buckets, too much stress, too much insomnia….the fall is passing by as quickly as the summer months.

It’s 10 PM.  I’m going to try my hand at sleep.

 

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Attack on Pearl Harbor, what’s up with that? Melanie investigates.

1 out of every 113 people will die this year.  That’s 1.78 people a second.  This number accounts for the five babies being born every second.  If these babies weren’t accounted for, it would be 1 out of every 66 people will die by next year.  If you know 66 people, one of them won’t make it.

(I found this info on http://www.biblehelp.org/mortality.htm)

700 people died since I discovered these statistics.

It’s 2:17 AM and my stupid brain is at it again.  I was watching a documentary about the attack on Pearl Harbor which made me pause the show and google “Why did Japan attack Pearl Harbor?”  They attacked because we cut off their oil and steel supply in order to stop them from gaining territory in China.  That’s the short version of the reason.

But that brings me to another question, why did Japan want to take territory in China?  I googled that too and wikipedia said it was to stop China from importing arms and fuel.  But why?

I kept googling and it taken me to Manchuria and the Russo-Japanese war.  The treaty of Portsmouth that ended the Russo-Japanese war stated that Japan can lease the South Manchuria Railway branch.  As a way to protect their newly acquired railway, Japan stationed soldiers there to watch over it and apparently those soldiers got bored and pillaged nearby villages. This distressed China, and Japan knew it distressed them, so they made a pre-emptive move to strike by staging a bomb scare known as the Mukden incident.

Japan accused China of blowing up their railway (which didn’t actually blow-up and a train sailed safely over it minutes after the bomb went off) when in fact, it was Japan that set off the bomb.  But wait, what about the Russo-Japanese war?  The Mukden incident seems like a by-product of a much bigger issue – a small tertiary branch stemming from something larger.  And that something larger had nothing to do with China, but Russia!

Russia dominated the trade routes and absorbed all local states in the process.  They kept expanding from Poland in the west all the way to the tip peninsula in the east.  They expanded well into the Pacific Ocean as well.  Japan felt threatened because before their efforts to become industrialized, having a cohesive language and school system, they were a poor peasant country that lay as easy prey for the bigger nations demanding trade.  They were considered unequal to the rest of the world and been treated poorly by dominating countries who set up trade towns in which they enslaved Japanese people into handing over their goods.

As a result, Japan fought back by educating their people, strengthening national pride and unifying their nation so it can stand tall with the big boys.  So they wouldn’t be bullied.  They became a modern industrial country in less than half a century.

Imperialistic Russia refused to acknowledge Japan as a “big boy” country by not recognizing Korea as a Japanese sphere of influence.  Japan taken this as a threat and this brought on the Russo-Japanese war.  Japan considered Korea to be their “buffer” country.  If Russia encroached on their buffer, that meant Japan was next.  Not to mention acquisition of all those juicy natural resources they can use now that they’ve become industrialized.

Blah blah, wars and years later, Russia was humiliated.  Japan wrecked them.  Go Japan, right?  As part of the peace treaty (Russia admitting defeat), Japan acquired Russia’s railway in Manchuria as a way to stop Russian expansion into enslaving Japan (and they get to keep their juicy resources).

But now wait a tick, did Japanese soldiers who were guarding the Manchuria railway really spark that big a war with China?  And why did Japan stage that bomb instead of reprimanding the soldiers accused of tormenting villagers?  And why were the Japanese soldiers tormenting the Chinese in the first place?  Was it really out of boredom?

And this question taken me to the Sino-Japanese war.  In a nutshell, after Japan became modernized and educated, they wanted to protect their newly formed nation by annexing other powers (countries) from dominating Korea.  They were looking to secure Korea’s independence, which at the time, Korea was a vassal state to the Chinese.  Which means that China had easy access to Japan – “Korea was a dagger pointed to the heart of Japan” as some Japanese military guy put it.  As long as China occupied Korea, Japan wasn’t safe.

Wars and years later, Japan secured Korea.  They humiliated China before humiliating Russia, but China taken it pretty bad – they’re a very proud people after-all.

Okay okay now wait.  Hold the phone.  What the hell does the US have to do with any of this?  Why would we care if Japan wanted to stop China’s weapon trade?  Let’s go back to the beginning and study again – this time with a little more background to my knowledge.

The Japanese wanted to cut off China’s trade routes as a way to stop the Sino-Japanese war (China’s occupation in Korea).  In order to do this, Japan encroached on China’s territory and started absorbing local states just as Russia did with the Trans-siberian express among other things.  Basically Japan was taking it too far and becoming their own worst enemy, Russia.  And with each victory, Japan became prouder, more ambitious, and more determined to never be bullied again.  Not by China, not by Russia – not anyone.

So Japan continued in their efforts to cut off all supply routes to Korea – the supply routes that fed the Chinese occupation in Korea.  They succeeded in one route, but the route in Indochina remained open.  Vichy France controlled the supply route in Indochina and after several attempts to persuade Vichy France to close off the route, failed.  This failure led to the war and in the end, France yielded, but called for an accord that granted permission to Japan to control the route under the guidelines that Japan was not to venture further into Indochinese territory.

But again, where does the US fit into all this?

Japan didn’t listen to this accord and instead they moved their troops closer to the railhead in Lang Son.  They were undefeatable at this point, and they were like, “why the hell not?  Right?”

Vichy France protested a breach of agreement and what did Japan do?  They bombed the hell out of Vichy soldiers while Vichy sent an envoy to negotiate.  But Japan didn’t want to negotiate, no.  France yielded and allowed Japan to occupy Indochina.  However, Japan didn’t want to send too many troops to occupy it for fear it will inflame relations with the US and the United Kingdom.

Why would it inflame the US and United Kingdom?  Were they tied into this trade route as well?

At the time of this attack, China was US’s ally.  The US didn’t like how the Japanese were imposing their will all across east Asia.  Is that why we cut off Japan’s oil supply?  Because we viewed it as adding fuel to the fire?  Did we feel threatened by Japanese operations in China?  There’s got to be more to the story.

Hold on…..

Did FDR purposely cut off their oil supply to initiate war?  I’m looking into conspiracy theories now.  I should shy away from them.  But it’s strange how I’m finding no definitive answer as to why we cut off their oil supply and since there’s no definitive answer, history books vaguely breeze over the subject leaving room for debate.

Japan attacked us before we attacked them.  Since we cut them off, Japan had to find a new supplier in Malaysia.  And if they went seeking resources in Malaysia, thereby expanding their territory – it would pull the US into war.

Okay….I just stumbled upon a commenter that said before Japan got it’s oil supply from the US, they got it from the Philippines.  But the Philippines was a US colony.  Japan wanted to infiltrate the Philippines to reclaim their oil supply and before they did, they thwarted the US in a pre-emptive strike before we can send troops to defend our supply – a supply that FDR taxed and sold to the Japanese.  He who owns the oil, owns the war.

Okay, I think I’m done for today.  I don’t want to tell you what time it is (not to mention how many people died in the time it taken me to write this).  Stupid documentaries…stupid brain is more like it.  It’s just that I get insanely transfixed on finding answers.  I need everything to make sense.  I need to understand.

I think my thirst for understanding is a way to protect myself from getting hurt.  It’s a way to protect my ego.  Although finding answers to historical events has absolutely nothing to do with me getting hurt by them, but this need for understanding leaches into and spreads to unrelated subjects having nothing to do with me personally – I still need to understand.  I need to understand out of fear.

Ayahuasca told me that every action and every thought is reasoned and seasoned with fear.  And our personalities are shaped and formed around how we interpret and interact with it.  If I understand other peoples fear, maybe that can give me some insight into my own.

We can only understand the things we’ve experienced.  If this is true, and I can’t understand somebody else’s fear, I can at least see what the outcome of it is.  I can witness what it does to people.  So when it happens to me, I’ll be more prepared to handle my reactions to it knowing full well that it leads to nothing but insanity.  To learn from history means to recognize it when it happens again which is the antithesis of insanity.

Anyway, I’d be shocked if you made it to the end of this post – shocked!  But I gotta say that by me writing everything down after learning about it, really helped me understand everything better than if I merely skimmed over the subject.

 

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Another 3 AM Bolg Post

Garg I’m so tired! And all that bullshit I wrote about in my last post is completely irrelevant now. I have flipped, not tipped (into success), but flipped onto my backside like a turtle. I need a rope.

Rational brain: “Okay calm down. What’s wrong this time?”

Taxes are what’s wrong. Taxes are killing me!

Rational brain: “Haven’t you anticipated this?”

No! I mean, yes. But mostly no! It’s because of my employee’s. Now that they’re working so much, my taxes tripled since August. Tripled!

Taxes have the potential of ending my business. What appeared to be a perfectly good business plan, shot to pieces by Uncle Sam’s buckshot.

Rational brain: “Than it was never a perfectly good business plan, was it?

Shut up shut up SHUT UP.

Okay, calm down and think Mel….Think.

All the online deals I sold at the beginning of this business are expiring this month. So we are swamped and trampled on by last-minute redeemers. I can’t sell any more online deals to quell this unprecedented tax increase because we would be so backed up – Groupon debt is what I call it. Groupon debt is when I sell a bunch of deals, use up all the money I acquired from those deals before they get redeemed, and I’m left with 300 or so patrons with thirsty bodies needing…kneeding. And not a dime left to pay my employee’s with.

Rational brain: “Go to sleep. You can’t do anything about it now. Listen to The Secret and go to sleep.”

The Secret isn’t getting me through this panic. I’m flummoxed. And I can’t promote my membership program because if I did, those clients wouldn’t be able to book until weeks from now.

Transitioning into phase two (stepping back and letting my employee’s take over) happened too soon. But I literally couldn’t go another day massaging 6 clients a day, 6 days a week – I just couldn’t. My thumb started hurting so bad that I had trouble brushing my teeth. I had to hold my brush all cock-eyed like an ape.

Rational Brain: “Can’t you just wait a few weeks until all these deals get redeemed and/or expire? Then sell a few more once these deals are done and send out an email blast promoting the membership? How many more members do you need to start breaking even?”

73. I need at least 73 more members in order for me to break-even. If I can get 20 more sign-ups, that will take care of my new tax problem, but yeah….I need 73 more overall.

The reason I’m awake is, will I reach 175 members before my well runs dry?

Please oh please oh please God.

Rational brain: “There is no God, remember? There is only you.”

Don’t you dare get me started on that debate. How can you even say that?

Rational brain: “Ayahuasca told you to have faith in yourself. You can’t have faith in God if you don’t even have faith in yourself.”

Cripes….

Rational brain: “It’s part of our spiritual evolution….”

Got it.

Rational brain: “Once we discover our own potential and capabilities – we’ll have belief, not faith, but belief in ourselves and….”

Oh my god CAN it already I got it!

Rational brain: “….we’ll see that God is us.”

So there IS no God then.

Rational brain: “Okay, let’s not discuss this tonight. Save it for your Ecuador post.”

Shit my Ecuador post….It’s so far in the past now.

It is October 9th, 2014 and I am struggling. I need to sell 73 more memberships, or make at least $125 a day. Today I made $44 and it was only in tip money. This is why I’m awake. I have shotty plans but no “savior” idea’s. And lord know’s I need a savior right now. If it’s only me throwing myself a rope, I’m afraid I’ll use it to hang myself with.

Rational brain: “Stop being so god-dammed dramatic. Just last week you were beaming from ear to ear and shouting that you were on top of the world, don’t you remember?”

I have 7 as my life path number in numerology. 7’s have extreme high’s and low’s. We are also the loner number, the rebels.

Rational brain: “Puh-lease.”

You’re not being very rational tonight, Rational Brain.

Rational brain: “Please go to sleep. Go to sleep and not publish this post? Please?”

Ah I got it!

Rational brain: “Got what?”

I’m having a low. Yes that’s it. That’s all. It should not be mistaken for clarity, when in fact I’m just going through a low. It’s transient and meaningless.

Rational brain: “Um, okay….So you can go to sleep now because you figured everything out then.”

Yeah.

It’s now the next day.

I woke up so tired. Zombie tired. I massaged two older men who adore me, then ran my errands as quickly as possible so I can go home and nap. I Dropped off and picked up sheets, I finally threw a mammoth bag of garbage that’s been sitting in my bedroom into a dumpster. Went to CVS to buy super glue and then walked next door to the packie so I could prepare myself for tomorrow night with 6 cans of Bud Light. Shit….Tomorrow night….

And no matter where I went today while being in zombie mode – I swear I felt I massaged everyone I came across. The woman standing in front of me at CVS – I massaged her – the woman coming out of the package store – yes I massaged her too. I don’t even need to touch a person to know what it would feel like. Everyone looked familiar today. Just like when I’m stoned, I feel like I know everyone.

Today we made $180, but we’re averaging $105. I’m supposed to be making $125 a day. $20 X 30 days is $600 which means I’ll be short $600 this month if this keeps up.

Shit, why am I telling you all this? It’s not like you care or anything. I’m in it alone. There is no God.

Rational brain: “Would you please stop with that nonsense! And what are you still doing up? It’s 12:24 AM and you never even taken your nap. Sleep damn you!”

When I got home earlier today I started playing The Last of Us. It’s a zombie game. Highly addicting. I know this sounds crazy but….

Rational brain: “When do you not sound crazy?”

The game is helping me conquer my fear. Fear in general. Some parts are insanely creepy, the graphics are phenomenal – you’re playing a man who’s guarding a little girl and at any minute a clicker can run out and with one bite CHOMP you’re dead, or she’s dead. It makes my heart race not to mention my sloppy knee-jerk gameplay reactions. But I’m overcoming it in a way that can be applied to real life.

It’s a lot like that nightmare I had a while back. Let me try to find it because it’s a really good post…hold on…here it is.

Once you’re completely aware of your surroundings and mastered your emotions, you are in full control. It’s all just a matrix anyway, no different from a video game. I experienced the matrix in that night terror, in my video game, and after ingesting ayahuasca of course. But in real life it’s a bit tricky since we’re completely immersed in the ego/fear driven physical reality. We let our emotions tell us what we see. None of it is real.

And since we’re all stuck in the matrix of emotion and thoughts (including other people’s emotions and thoughts), we can’t make choices. We remain unconscious.  You can’t choose what you can’t see.

It’s now October 17. Wow…..for real?

These past few weeks been murder. I was forced into working everyday because of the backload of unredeemed vouchers that were expiring. I’m so tired. My money situation is still in the red zone.

I went to an open house for a yoga studio tonight. There was a woman there doing angel card readings. After my friends had their complimentary readings done, it came my turn. I drew the Earth Angel card. The psychic gave me a huge smile and said, “I love when this happens.”

Me – “Yeah? It’s good then?”

Psychic – “I knew you were one of them before you picked this card.”

Me – “Oh yeah?”

Psychic – “You’re an Earth Angel. You come from a far away place and were brought here to teach us. You had wings before you came here. Are you sensitive?”

Me – “Umm…..sort of.”

Psychic – “Just remember that you’re not alone. There are more of you out there. All with special talents.”

My friend grumbled saying she wanted to draw a new card.

The psychic wrote down a book for me to read all about Earth Angels and how to harness my call to help people. It all starts with me having to protect myself from abuse. Apparently I’m a magnet for abusive, manipulative relationships because I shrug off and allow bad behavior. I’m forgiving and have no boundaries with people. I have to learn boundaries and how to put restraints on how much I give to others. When left unrestrained, they feed off me and take advantage.

Ayahuasca told me I was a martyr……

Before my reading, I listened in on the readings she gave to my friends. She talked about ego and fear and completely nailed them both. I won’t go into it, but once again I found myself in awe of how some people can understand ego and fear so completely, while others are stuck in the “matrix”. This psychic girl had my full-on attention.

Tonight after the open house, we all went to the Fire Place for drinks and well, I don’t know….it’s almost like I don’t need to smoke pot anymore in order for me to see through people. They gossiped about their friends, vied for each others attention. All the while I humbly sat there and had the spot-light on me whether I wanted it or not. It automatically zooms in on me.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired and alone. One guy is trying to date me but he’s everything I hate about people. Arrogant, narcissistic, apathetic and according to tonights gossip, he tried making me jealous by bringing his friend (who’s a girl), to a bonfire I attended. I couldn’t care less.  My heart went out to him because I couldn’t care less.

I hate this side of me. The side that remains emotionally unaffected – detached. I just plain don’t give a shit. It’s this side of me that people see the most – the unemotional side. The side that shrugs, gulps down her beer and grins stupidly. I don’t give a shit – but I love you!

And it’s not a way of protecting myself from getting hurt either – it’s the sincere kind of not giving a shit. It’s not a block (I can feel blocks when they occur), but more like an understanding. I understand too much of what’s happening and because I understand, I stop caring.

Anyway, I hate writing about me.  I’m sure that I’m the apathetic narcissist who thinks she know’s everything – that’s why I loath those qualities in others.  That’s why I can recognize them.  I mean, it’s all right here in my description of myself.  It’s all true.  And I’m the worst of them all because I’m so far removed from everyone that I don’t even care enough to play their games or get emotionally entangled and because my cool exterior can hurt a person – I love them all the more for their humanity.

The more removed I am, the more I love people.  I can’t explain it any better than that.

I’m really transfixed tonight.  I need to stop writing.

I wasn’t going to publish this post, but it’s been so long since I shared anything.  It has to go up.  Saved into my memory bank blog.

I just looked up what it means to be an Earth Angel.  It said I’m a light being who is meant to stop people from being fearful.

Holy shit dude.

A few weeks ago I was explaining to a friend of mine my definition of karma and how I learned it’s true meaning after drinking ayahuasca.

Karma is made from fear.  If you’re fearful about something, the thing you’re most afraid of happening, will happen.  If you do bad things and bad things happen to you, the reason why you do bad things in the first place is out of fear.  Fearful actions cause bad karma.  We are all here to rid ourselves of fear by means of the ego.  The ego is fear itself, only disguised under a different interpretation.  Lose the ego, you lose the fear and immediately you’re sent into enlightenment.

But because we’re all connected, we can only evolve together – just like ayahuasca said.  Whoever claims to be enlightened is full of shit.  Ayahuasca said enlightenment is not sustainable in the physical world.

“Don’t believe in false prophets” is just one of the many undeciphered quotes from the bible that nobody understands its true meaning to.  ALL prophets are false.  We are all the sons of god – and believe it or not, according to the bible, Jesus was trying to drill that into our thick skulls.

OH man I’m really transfixed.  I NEED to sleep.  And now it’s 3 AM dammit.

My friend loved my interpretation of karma so much so that she had me explain it all over again to her friend tonight.  And me being the narcissist that I am, I’m driven completely by this need to share my “wisdom”.  I get off on it.

I’m brewing a new breed of egocentricity.  The sparkly guru who drinks beer and shrugs everything off.

Okay, enough self-love for one night.  Bitch gotta get her winks.

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3 a.m blog post

I’ve been having trouble falling to sleep for two reasons:

1)  I don’t have to wake up early anymore and,

2)  I’m excited.

I’m excited because my business is tipping over into the success zone.  I’m so close to it that I can feel its hot breath on the nape of my neck.  Whispering in my ear like a passionate lover.  Its presence never leaves my awareness.

I barely work anymore.  The therapists I hired all run the joint when I’m not around.  I made it impeccably easy and intuitive – the Apple brand of massage clinics.  It’s evolving itself into a beast machine that eats people, slobbers them in lotion only to spit them back out into the world partially digested with lighter wallets.

I feel partially digested….

Yesterday marked the start of my new schedule and with it came insomnia.  I’m entering into phase two of my business plan.  Phase two involves me taking a step back and letting my employee’s step in.  But because I’m at the cusp of entering phase two, I have to delicately balance my finances.  Once the finances are fully submerged in the profit zone, I can enter into phase three – expansion.

My whole life I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen.  I’m actually accomplishing something.

This month I spent well over $3,000 in unaccounted for investments and purchases and my projected total money in the bank for October 1st is the same amount of money that I started with on September 1st.  This means that I broke even.  Even after having made all those unwarranted purchases, I managed to break even.

But I’m still hesitant to lay my burdens down.  I don’t trust it yet.  There’s still a twang of tension in the air.  Mostly due to not understanding the math – according to my calculations, I should be negative what I started with.  I sincerely don’t understand.

Good lord I’m tired.  I don’t want to do anything for a week.  I had one client today, one tomorrow – I still have to massage one or two clients a day which is 90% less then before, but I’m yearning for my week of freedom.  To block out an entire week – I’m not there yet.

I’ll be cusping well up to 115 members, then my new employee can assume the rest of my remaining shifts.  Once I reach 130 members, I’ll be fully submerged in the profit zone.

I’ll have only one problem to contend with once I reach 130 members and that is the problem of insomnia.  Insomnia from plain excitement.  Not a good nights sleep, only day naps.  It makes life miserable.

I can’t wait until I can start writing again for real.  I write exactly what’s on my mind – it’s hard flowing away from that.  It’s like going against the current.

But the thing is, shit….It’s too late to do this Mel.  Asking your silly questions.

The thing is, when I go on one of my little adventures – I’d much rather stay home.  I’m comfortable here.  I’m comfortable, but I’m stuck with the gnawing sensation of letting my life slip by.  I want to see and experience everything, but I yearn for home.  I go against the current when I travel.  The only real comfort I have while traveling, is being able to take my blog with me.  So I can tell my story.  Finding my story is HUGE to me.

I’ve been meaning to write about the importance of story for months now, but it remains stuck on the back-burner.  Suffice to say that it changes EVERYTHING – your entire perspective.  God I wish I had it in me to write about it now.  It’s life changing, it really is.

And so, what was I saying?  Going against the current isn’t always a bad thing.  Hell, if I was floating downstream, I would never have started a business.  But then again, if I was going with the current tonight, I would be asleep right now.

My answer?  There is a time and a place for everything.  When the time is right, it’ll happen.

 

 

 

 

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