You don’t have to be happy in order to be peaceful

There’s a boy that lives near me.  Well, not a boy anymore exactly, he’s 32 or 34, somewhere around there, and we debate until sunrise.  The sunrise is our brick wall as to when to stop debating.

He’s the best to debate with!  He doesn’t get mad at me, feel threatened or angry – he let’s me speak.  Best of all he remains honest.  Honest enough to debate back.

We discuss God and philosophy mostly.

Him – “I love that I can debate with you without you getting mad or defensive.”

Me – “Me too!”

I try not to go over there purposely as to not throw off my fragile circadian rhythms.  It’s nearly impossible getting home at a decent hour when I visit.  But just knowing he’s there, someone like him who’s easy and fun to talk with – someone who mirrors my level of emotional and intellectual capacity – well, it makes me feel pretty darn good.

He makes me feel sane.

It’s 6:56AM and I just woken up from an awesome dream.  I dreamt Brianna and I were at the airport on our way to Japan.  I couldn’t find my tickets at first, but then I did.  I couldn’t find my passport, but there it was crumpled up in my pocket when I needed it.

It was a good dream until I had to wake up to pee.  I woke up to an interesting part of The Power of Now (I’m listening to it to help me fall asleep).  I woke up while it was still playing and heard Eckhart Tolle saying that peace doesn’t equal happiness.

All this time I was chasing my happiness, thinking that happiness would bring me peace, but no.  He says you won’t always be happy while peaceful.

It reminded me of one of my debates with the boy who lives near me – the perfect conversation starter that has the capabilities of stretching into sunrise.

Let’s think about this my way, Melanie style.  Let me try to break it down.

How can you be peaceful when you’re not happy?

When you closely consider this as a possibility, it almost feels like a relief, you know?  Like, “thank god I won’t have to wait for that day to come,” because you’ll most likely be waiting a long-ass time, you get me?  It takes the pressure off.

I can be peaceful now.

What a great perspective at capturing The Power of Now!  I don’t have to wait for happiness in order for me to be peaceful.  No, it doesn’t make sense but ahhh I totally get it.  But I’m too damn tired to break it down into rational thought-out words.

When you associate one thing with another, they become tied together.  I’m certain our brains are hardwired to make these associations unconsciously.

“I’m craving snacks, I must be hungry.”

Just because you have a craving doesn’t mean you’re hungry.

Bad example.  The good examples are found in the stuff we don’t think about – our assumptions that are unconscious beliefs.

I was talking to an atheist the other day.  He’s a gay man who denounced all religion.

Me – “But that’s no different than people who have faith in God.  You have faith god doesn’t exist, and other people have faith that he does.  It’s the same thing.”

He got really angry at this.  I had no intentions of making him angry, I just wanted to have a fun lively debate like I have with my neighbor.

Him – “But there’s no proof!  I need concrete proof that he exists.  I HAVE no faith.”

There’s no proof that he doesn’t exist…..And what do you think faith is?  It’s believing something when there’s no proof.

Me – “Maybe you tied God into religion.  What if you tried separating god from the religion?  If you associate him with something you don’t agree with, you’d not want anything to do with him.”

That’s when he gave up talking to me.  He was visibly angry and couldn’t speak to me anymore.  And that’s literally all that was said on the matter – just those few sentiments I shared. That’s all that it took.

But these are the kinds of convo’s I have with my neighbor.  My neighbor doesn’t believe and always has a good argument but he NEVER gets angry or offended.  He especially never wants to stop talking altogether.

I can’t help measuring people against one another.  It’s always the defensive people that are the most disagreeable.  Insecure, closed-minded, defensive, stubborn….don’t get me started on stubborn.

I linked stubbornness with one’s downfall in life.  Stubborn people fall to ruins.

Thinking that you’re right while everyone’s wrong and holding onto your pride is the number one reason for failure.  Why?  Because stubborn people don’t change.

You can think on it all you want and you’ll see that I’m right.

They may pretend to change, but they have no intentions to.  Which turns them into manipulative narcissistic sociopaths (but we all are to some degree).

They want to be accepted for who they are without consciously knowing who or what they are.  These people feel entitled from being spoiled.

I can see it so clearly.

If you grow up learning one thing, and then life throws you a lemon, you cry like a little bitch.

Stubborn people (people governed by ego), turn to manipulation instead of changing themselves or seeing anything wrong with what they do.

You can be stubborn when it comes to standing up for something you believe in.  Never compromise your moral compass – that kind of stubbornness is commendable.  No, I’m talking about the selfish kind.  The prideful kind that doesn’t help anyone in the community, doesn’t brighten the world.

I’m talking about the protective, reactive kind of stubbornness.  Protecting your precious ego kind of stubbornness.

Stubborn people can live out their entire lives trying to prove themselves – that they are right.  That their way of living is the happy, good way of living.

Bible thumpers gone mad…..

Just give up man, just give up.

Eckhart Tolle also talks about surrendering.  To accept things as they are.  But for me, you have to actually know what you’re accepting before you can even think about surrendering.

People can’t see past their ego’s.  That’s why it’s important to talk to others.

To wrap things up;  Surrendering brings peace although not happiness, unconscious associations lead to illogical beliefs, stubborn people are screwed people.

Anywho, I can sleep for about 3 more hours so yeah…..gonna head back to sleep.

Rational Brain – “What do you have to surrender to?”

Sleep.

Rational Brain – “No, seriously.”

I’m perfect just the way I am.  I’m surrendering to my perfection.

Rational Brain – “Blow hard.”

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Melanie goes through an identity crisis

 

I hate reading old blog posts.  Especially when I’m grumpy.

Please disregard all of my previous 780 blog posts.  They are inconsequential and humiliating.

I can’t write.  I can’t write tonight because it will just be another shit post.

 

 

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Graduation Nightmare

I just woke up from a depressing dream.

I dreamt that I was graduating High School but I had nobody there with me.  No family or friends.  And since I had nobody, I was given odd jobs to help clean and take food out to guests.

It wasn’t a regular graduation, but a banquet accompanied by a show.  I kept falling down but strangers kept helping me up and I ended up sitting at a table with celebrities because there was no place else for me to sit.

I met new people, but wondered where all my old friends were.

Anyway, I drank a six pack of beer the night before and I didn’t get home until 3AM.  I drove home which I shouldn’t have done.

On my way home I stopped by my business to make sure my esthetician had enough towels for her facials the next day and as I was unlocking the front door, a cop pulled up.  Like he’d been following me the entire time.

I freaked out and ran inside the building with my heart pumping.  I barely ate and it was the second day of my period – I was way past the legal limit.

I was so drunk that I stabbed myself with an insulin needle, not once, but twice.  The girl I went to visit was diabetic and I asked her if she wanted me to administer her nightly shot.

Me – “Is it like pulp fiction?  Do I have to jam it in really fast?  This needle is HUGE!  It’s like a pulp fiction needle.”

Her – “It doesn’t hurt at all, just do it.”

Me – “It looks like it would puncture your organs.”

Her – “It’s not that big, here..”

She grabbed my hand and guided the needle into her belly.

Me – “I don’t believe it doesn’t hurt.”

Her – “You want to try?  I have a bunch of needles.”

Me – “Of course I want to try.”

She took out a new needle and stuck it in my belly while I held my shirt up and said, “Just do it man, just do it” with my eyes shut tight.

Me – “That’s it?  Did you do it?”

Her – “It’s done.”

Me – “But I barely felt it.”

Her – “You want to do it yourself?”

Me – “Of course I want to do it myself.”

So I stuck myself with another needle.

Me – “We should put ink where the insulin is.”

Her – “We’re not making prison tattoo’s.”

I went to sleep as soon as I got home and then woke up early to give two massages and then receive a facial.  From there I blew off tennis and blew off my nightly plans.  I went to bed at 8PM and here it is at 2AM.

I have to go to a wedding shower tomorrow.  I should go back to sleep.

I dream about zombies, haunted houses, vampires and the like but the dreams that scare me the most?  High school nightmares.

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How Science Fiction Embodies Spirituality

I love science fiction.  Particularly anything having to do with superpowers.  I think that’s partly why I love spirituality.

I somehow linked spiritual wisdom with science fiction.  It’s hard not to since science fiction isn’t about religion, it’s about unexplained mystical powers – powers that remain hidden to non-believers, or those not strong enough to handle it.

Powers that need activation.

Science fiction embodies spirituality.  Anything is possible.  May the force be with you.

And I love Bruce Lee.

yoda

I’m listening to The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle with one of my weekly clients.  We get through one chapter per session.  Instead of listening to relaxing background music, we enlighten ourselves.  We are up to chapter 3.

It’s mostly stuff that I already figured out during my stink-hole office days of malcontent.  Eckhart mentions that we should be a witness to our thoughts and not a contributor to them.  We should view our thoughts from a distance, from our higher selves.  Once we do that, we’ll be aware and conscious.

Activation ON.

This actually happened to me for half a second while I was giving a massage 2 years ago.  I was meditating, quietly watching my thoughts like the instructor said and wham!  I was out of the box and witnessed my thought patterns plain as day.

It freaked me out and scared me some because for the first time I was able to see how blinded I am.  I can NOT see outside my thought process, patterns, and belief system.

This only lasted for a second.  And it’s one of those things that can’t be understood until you’ve experienced it for yourself.

And of course, Eckhart talks about the power of Now and how there are no problems, only situations that you need to address or not address.  Nothing is ever a problem.  Well, he worded it better than that anyhow.

But it got me thinking about my one second of self-realization (not to be confused with my two seconds of emptiness I’ve experienced around the same time).

The following few paragraphs is wisdom from Eckhart Tolle’s book, coupled with my own experience:

My thought patterns, the box I was trapped in, all had to do with time.  My past and future events were inside this tiny little box along with my belief system trying to decipher everything.  I was riddled with problems to mull over, all due to problems either in the past or in the future.  And my pattern of thought was clearly visible.  Almost palpable.

If you’re depressed, you’re most likely living in the past – avoiding or not wanting change.  If you’re anxious or worried, you’re living in the future – not knowing what’s to come of something.

People identify with time.  They identify themselves as anxious, depressed, worried, or hopeful.  If they’re hopeful, hope is also a derivative of time.  As long as you have hope, you will never be fully conscious.  To be fully conscious means to live in the Now.  Hope always involves the future.

I’m mostly happy-go-lucky.  AKA, a complete idiot.  Maybe that’s what it takes?  (This is not according to Eckhart Tolle, but I’m only on chapter 3, so who know’s)

He says that by practicing living in the Now, you will attract exactly what you wish for.  Your higher, more powerful self will be in charge instead of your monkey brain.  You’ll have full control.

To fully grasp this, I had to visualize it.  I visualized myself floating in space on a time line.  I imagined the timeline getting shorter and shorter on both ends until it was just me floating in mid-space, just me with no timeline.  No up or down, no calculable location.  It’s like experiencing emptiness – the good kind – the one where all that exists are possibilities.

It’s science fiction at its finest!  I mean, think about it!

If I can harness my ability at seeing myself (which I know is real because I did it for that one second), I can make shit happen.

But there’s a catch…..

When I was under the spell of ayahuasca, she also told me of the same catch that Eckhart mentioned in his book – that you have to let go of everything in order to gain everything.  You must have no desire, no wants, no needs.  You must trust.

(Trust takes courage, courage takes strength, strength equals choice.)

I asked Ayahuasca if meditation led to enlightenment and she said, “No it does not.  What you desire will never happen.  The more you desire something, the more you push it away.”

Monks meditate for enlightenment – they have a goal.  Goals are time-based and not a member of the Now family.  And sure enough, Eckhart also spoke of this.  Using the same example of monks!

Gives me the chills….

But anywho, I’m fascinated by this shit.  I’m fascinated because I’ve experienced these things.  I’ve experienced them before even knowing what it was I was experiencing!

If I was out seeking these things, I never would have found them.

I want to write a science fiction book based on my findings of spirituality and everything ayahuasca taught me.  Even if I’m the only one who reads it, it won’t matter.  I’ve written 15 years worth of journals that nobody read, so why not a book?

I’m serious this time.  I’m really going to do it.  I gave up writing my last book because it failed to send my heart thumping and I was in no rush to finish it.

I need to read more science fiction novels.  I need to discuss them with other people to get different idea’s and perspectives.  I have to study and learn the language of novel writing and so, your dear sweet idiot Melanie joined a science fiction book club.

Yes she did!

I mean, I have time now so why the hell not?  I also have time to write my book unlike last time when clients kept busting down my door wanting me to massage them.  I have employee’s now beeyoches.

I think my main character will be a sushi chef.  That’s perfect!  To put together a sushi dish is like ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement.  A disciplined art form in which nature and humanity are brought together in an authentic, honest, minimalistic fashion.

Or… I can be the main character.  Massaging people for a living, giving but never getting.  I already know a lot about massaging people, so I should stick with that.

I have to stop writing tonight.  I’ve done absolutely nothing today other than watch old X-Files shows on Netflix.  My business is doing well, everything is caught up and stocked up.  We’re the perfect amount of busy.

My biggest problem right now?  I know problems don’t exist according to Eckhart Tolle, but my biggest problem is sleeping late.  I sleep late and then I’m wide awake at 3AM.  And when I do wake up early, I take naps which only keeps me awake until 3AM again.

I woke up early today and didn’t take my nap.  I’m exhausted.

I’m thinking of joining a fitness club, like tennis or something.  Volleyball if they have it.  I need to do something other than drinking with my buddies, although I love that more than anything.

It’s so weird having time.  The last time I had time, I was unemployed so it wasn’t fun.  But this time is different.  It’s like I have to keep checking back to make sure my business is okay – basically worrying over nothing, it’s a hard habit to break.  My identity is linked with diligent work and chores.  I’m like a farmer.

But everything is okay.  I’ll even have that extra $3,000 in the bank to pay my employee’s with next month.

Rational Brain – “Everythings okay.”

Me – “Are you sure?”

Rational Brain – “Yes I’m sure.”

Me – “Let me just make sure again.”

Everything’s been done.  I even paid my over-due parking ticket.

Me – “No, that can’t be right.  Let me write my employee’s an email telling them how much I appreciate them.”

Rational Brain – “Please don’t.”

I just sent all my employee’s a long ramble about how much I appreciate them.  They love reading my emails.

Eckhart Tolle says that our ego is linked with time, and all the ego does is struggle to keep alive.  The ego thinks that if it dies, our bodies will die – Eckhart Tolle said this.  The same exact epiphany I had while smoking pot.  Since our ego’s identify with our problems, they become perpetual.  One problem ends while another begins.  We are the problem.

Eckhart worded it best by saying if a detective was trying to figure out a murder mystery while he himself was the murderer, it doesn’t make any sense to keep searching.

But that’s exactly what we do.  We incessantly search for answers to our problems because we need validation.  Validation that we matter, validation that we’re right and did nothing wrong.  We do this to fill the void where our trust should be.

And by desiring such answers, being perpetually bombarded with either the past or the future – we’ll never disconnect and let go enough to actually see the truth of what really happened.  We are caught in the matrix.

All problems are linked in time and time is linked with ego.

Side note:  Ayahuasca told me that fear has a gravitational pull.  

If time is a manifestation of ego, and ego is fear – than that explains the force of gravity and it’s effects on time.  I know it’s a long shot and nearly incomprehensible to understand but it’s a neat idea.  How our own fear created this physical world that we live in.  We are the creators even down to it’s barebones, it’s blueprints.  Manifested not out of love, but fear.

Eckhart:  “Ego is fear and that means that all action, everything we do, is a derivative of this fear.”

I just recently started listening to this audiobook and holy crap, right?  Same stuff I learned on my own.  Same insights.

I witnessed this particular insight when I was under ayahuasca and realized that if the only evil is fear, and the whole world is orchestrated by fear, than that means this world is hell.  An evil wasteland.

But at the same time, people are here by choice.  We WANT to grow, we want to move past fear.  And these foretold intentions walk us towards peace by confronting our fears head-on in a godless world void of answers with only illusionary faith and hope to guide us.

Once we awaken, we’ll know.  Faith will become obsolete.  And we’ll then identify with the world as being the loving, benevolent place that it truly is.

So yes, I’ll write my book.  It’ll be similar to The Celestine Prophecy and most likely written just as poorly.

Shit yo, I gots to sleep.

How is it that Eckhart Tolle can write stuff like this, but when I do it I sound crazy?

Rational Brain – “If gravity is a derivative of our ego’s, than how do you explain the time before humans?”

All time happens simultaneously.  Ha!

Rational Brain – “Whatever nerd, I’m going to bed.”

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Melanie Finds a New Dream!

I have an immense ability to focus. But sometimes my focus can lead to obsession and addiction when not in check.

I also have an intense ability to dream.  Before I started my business, I feverishly leapt from one interest to another.  Tenderly loving each subject that pulled at my heart strings.

A normal person falls in love with another human being (or animal or table, who’s to judge?), but I fall in love with my dreams.  It’s always been like that.  All because I still have the childish belief of thinking that I can accomplish anything.

I feel like I can accomplish anything.  I feel like I can MASTER anything.  So why haven’t I?  I couldn’t decide on what to do so I fell into a massage therapy profession.

The course was affordable, full-time pay for half-time work, I can be my own boss.

I needed to get out of waitressing ASAP and massage fit all my criteria.  My alternative was going to college but I hated the thought of it especially since I couldn’t decide on a subject.  I had too many and it crippled my decision making it into a standstill.

So with heavy deliberation, I went to school for massage.  It happened the same way I bought my car – it was the only thing that made sense.  All other choices didn’t fit.

Am I doing life wrong?

I don’t know, but I’m feeling the fever again.  The one you get when you fall in love.  Life feels like a miraculous dream kind of fever.

I want to become a sushi chef!

I’m watching Crunchyroll.  It’s like Netflix, but strictly for anime and other Japanese TV shows.  I’m watching a Japanese teen drama called Mischievous Kiss – Love in Tokyo, and the father on the show is a sushi chef.

That’s all it taken to alight my new dream ablaze.

I LOVE sushi.  I love all food, especially from different cultures, but sushi is special.  A delicious art.  It meets all my criteria and then some.

Intricacies… I have a thing for delicateness, precision, cleanliness and simplicity.  I love mastering creative endeavors.  I love pleasing people with something that I created.  I don’t create anything when I give a massage.

It’s a labor of love, one that doesn’t require me interacting with people on an intimate level like massage.  I’ve spent 10 years toiling away at it and never had that “ah ha” moment of victory and accomplishment.

And learning how to become a sushi chef ties in with my other dream – my absolute ULTIMATE dream.  They fold together like seasoning in a rice ball.

My back is all sweaty.  I ran upstairs to tell my parents the happy news and my Dad started laughing (in delight), my Mom disproved like she always does.  Only after finding out I’ll have to spend 12 weeks in California.

But this is it.  I feel like I’ll never fall out of love with this idea – I’ll marry it to the grave and beyond, through sickness and in health.

My life is weird.  I’m sure it’s weird for everybody, but nobody pays any attention to just how weird it all is.

For instance, just before leaving for Thailand, I watched a move called Lost in Thailand.  I thought it would prepare me for my trip.  Anyway, the two guys in the movie ended up at a fish spa where these little bottom feeding fish nibble dead skin off your feet.

“That’ll be weird if I ended up going to that same fish spa.”

I had a feeling that I would get my feet eaten at that same fish spa in the movie.  I couldn’t shake the idea.

About a month later, where do I find myself?  At that same freaking fish spa!

Me – “This looks really familiar.  I think it was in a movie I seen.”

fish spa_38bc8

I step back to take a better look at the place and there, taped to the window, what do I see?  A picture of a film crew, the two men from the movie and underneath saying “Lost in Thailand was shot here.”

Me – “Holy crap.”

I wasn’t purposely seeking it out, had no idea where in Thailand this particular fish spa was (there’s thousands of them) let alone what street.  My mind was officially blown.

But stuff like this happens all the time to everyone if they paid attention to it.  I was on vacation so my mind was soft, quiet and curious – therefore, completely open.  But come back home again and we’re all hard, closed, and overcome with distraction.

I did nothing today.  It was beautiful, absolutely beautiful.  The perfect day for a soft, quiet and curious mind.

Yes I will become a sushi chef.  Just like seeing that fish spa in the movie and feeling a connection to it, I feel I will become one.  A sushi chef, not a fish spa.

Itamae, the proper name for a sushi chef.  See, I’m learning already!

My ability to focus coupled with my ability to dream, folded into eerie coincidences and the belief that I can accomplish anything, well, my life is weird indeed.

I’m 35 years old but I feel like a giddy little girl holding onto the bars of a Merry Go Round, just living in the moment.  I have my new work schedule to thank for that.

It’s Sunday and I don’t have to work again until Tuesday and on Tuesday it’s only for an hour.  I want to take guitar lessons.  I want to study.  Draw, paint, write, spend quality time.

I want to drink gin martini’s.  I’ve been craving them for several days now.  I never drink at home, not even after a hard day – I never had the need.  But now I want one.

Rational Brain – “They’re bad for you and alcoholism runs in your family.”

But I haven’t drank at home in 14 years!

Rational Brain – “But you drink like a fish whenever you go out.  Don’t start a harmful habit.”

Damn you rational brain.  It’ll help me sleep better.

Rational Brain – “You slept until 11 today, noon yesterday, you have no problems sleeping.”

I want to celebrate.  My life has direction, purpose, and meaning.  I just have to get through this sticky part.  The constantly breaking even part of it.

If I had this many clients last year, I would have at least $50,000 in the bank today if I didn’t hire more therapists, add facials, or rented the two rooms upstairs.  Instead, I fed that money back in.  I did it for this;  So I could wake up free each day.

My plan is working and I knew there would be difficulties and risks.  I anticipated all of this.  But I’m exactly where I worked so hard to be, finally on the brink of profit.  It’ll only take 50 more people to sign up to the membership.  I’m at 150 now, but another 50 will put a steady $10,000 in the bank every month.

I have a plan for Christmas.  I’ll have at least 200 members by Christmas.  I just have to get through these next six sticky months ahead.

As far as my employee’s goes, I’m one lucky bitch is all I can say.  Damn lucky.  Laurie finally quit after I cut her hours, so now I have a full solid team.  We are golden and get along.

Adonis, Crista, Holly, Marlyn, Kasey, Anthony, Molly & Shaggy.  They all know about my ultimate dream which I have yet to write about, and they all want to be a part of it.

I don’t want to write about my ultimate dream in fear that I may jinx it.  I can write about becoming a sushi chef because that’s a sure thing, but my main goal is still too far out of reach.  Like you’re not supposed to tell people you’re pregnant until the third month.  My ultimate dream has just been conceived.

If it doesn’t rain tomorrow, I’m doing my Iron Man walk of shame again.

 

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What Have I Been Up To? Shame ol’ Shame ol’

It’s the beginning of the month and my business is once again killing it. My projected income this time next month is $2,000 more than what I started with this month, $4,000 more than what I had in the bank this time last month.

I’m slowly gaining back my composure but…..

This is a big but…..

My employee’s get paid THREE times in July! This means that I need an extra $3,000 in the bank so I can pay them.

I even out.

I completely even out. Not only do I even out, but I’ll be back in the red-zone. The zone of despair.  Nicking away at my personal line of credit.

My broken armed therapist will be performing shirodhara treatments soon. One of our regular clients told me about them. I won’t go into detail about shirodhara, but It sounds wonderful and my therapist is stoked to do them. So that should help me out a bit in the money department.

I have yet to do my humiliating marketing stunt. It’s been a full week since I started my new “work” schedule (which consists of no work), but each day I find myself busy.

Today I taught my niece how to drive. No one wanted to teach her because they’re all scared, so I volunteered to do it.

Me – “Have you ever met a really stupid adult?”

Alexis – “Yeah.”

Me – “Stupid people are everywhere and guess what? They all have licenses!”

Alexis – “That’s true.”

Me – “If they’re allowed to drive, you can definitely do it.”

She has trouble taking right-hand turns and knowing when she has the right away. Sometimes coming to a complete stop at intersections.

I had to give her lots of encouragement. And to be honest, I love my car but I know it won’t stay new looking forever. I’m not scared of a few dings and dents.

Me – “There you go you got this!”

Me – “Supurb, magnificent. I wish I had gold stars to give you.”

I made her park, back-in, K-turns, drive on the main road, drive to her house, drive to my friends house, drive on the highway and then to the mall.

Alexis – “Driving is actually fun! I like it. I don’t know what I was so afraid of before.”

Me – “Just imagine what else you can do. You can do anything.”

I sound like an awesome aunt, right? Well, all this was happening while I drank beer in the passenger seat and held on to the “oh shit” handlebar above the door.

Me – “You’re a rockstar, look at you go!”

While back at home…..

My bedroom was on fire.

My mom calls my cell – “You are in so much trouble! So much trouble!”

Me thinking that she spotted me with a beer while Alexis drove my car – “What did I do?”

Mom – “Your bedroom was completely lit up in flames!”

Me – “Wha..?”

Oh shit, the candles…..

I bought 2 candles from Amazon the other day, one for prosperity and the other for abundance. I lit them both while waiting for Alexis to get here and I forgot to blow them out. They had paper sleeves wrapped around them with prayers on them, that’s what caught on fire. The paper sleeves.

Mom – “I never saw your father so panicked. He ran around searching for the fire extinguisher like a mad man. I never seen him like that.”

Me – “How bad is it?”

Mom – “I haven’t been down there to see but there’s so much smoke up here.”

My broken armed therapist and my esthetician were talking the other day about these special prayer candles and how well they worked, and me being the impressionable type, bought them immediately.

But they DID work before setting my room ablaze. I made $326 dollars today for doing absolutely nothing.

I want to buy more but my mom says I’m not allowed to have candles in my room anymore.

The damage? Nothing really. There’s a black smoke ring on my ceiling above where the candles where lit, and a thin layer of ash on my dresser. I just smudged a smily face in the center of the black circle on my ceiling.

*********************

It’s now about a week later. It’s raining and I’m laying in bed with my electronic cigarette.

I can’t stop looking at my bank account.

***********************

It’s about another week later and I can’t stop looking at my big toe.

Last year in August, almost one year ago today, I got myself a pedicure in Ecuador.  Now, this pedicure is unlike any pedi I had before.  It was on par with a medieval torture apparatus (I have super sensitive feet), but the polish she used was incredible.  Incalculable lasting strength!  If my nails never grew, they would still look as fresh as the day they were painted.

She used acrylic nail polish.

IMG_2143-1Only a wee bit remains…..

I send updates about my big toe to the girl I got the pedicure with.  She’s the same girl I went to Thailand with.  To be honest, I’m going to be sad when the last of it grows out.  And I think Brianna will be sad too.

********************

Another week later.

Today was my humiliating walk of shame day.  My last resort day basically.  I walked up and down route 10, the busiest street in my hometown, to promote my business.  I was wearing this:

[Image removed due to creepy calls at my business]

Yes I was Iron Man.  No no no, strike that.  I AM Iron Man.

The costume is meant for a 6ft male, so everything hung askew including the helmet.  I had to keep adjusting myself as I walked so I wouldn’t trip over my own feet.

Nobody does shit like this where I live.  Nobody.

All I thought about was my brother driving by and throwing his milkshake at me out of his car window like Daryl did to Prince Akeem in Coming to America.

Here’s the thing, my business is doing splendid lately.  I’m not just breaking even anymore, but gaining momentum.  Not a lot of momentum, but there’s some.

Only for it to be taken away next month when my employee’s get paid 3 times instead of 2.  Plus I’ll need to pay my quarterly taxes pretty soon.

There’s no end to this.  Even with the numbers we’re pulling in this month, it’s still not enough to cover the cost of owning a small business with a receptionist.

But I can look at it this way; this time last year I was working non-stop, still broke-ass as shit and I had a quarter of the members as I do today.

Me last year – “I don’t care how broke I’ll be.  I HAVE to stop massaging.  I’ll pay whatever it takes to not have to massage anymore.”

And here I am one year later with 9 clients on the books this week.  Between Monday-Sunday, I have to work a total of 9-15 hours as opposed to 30-40.  And I hired my friend to clean the bathroom once a week, take out the trash and fill the lotion bottles.

This would have been an impossibility last year.

Anyway, I’m tired.

I’m going to do it again tomorrow.  My Iron Man walk of shame.  At least I get to exercise while marketing my business at the same time!

Iron Man don’t give a shit what people think of him.  He does what needs doing.

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Melanie’s Free Style Writing Raps

What’s this you say?

A poem

Yes a poem

A daft and drafty space

for me to poop on

It’s got no reason

no heartfelt soliloquy

So eat your damn hotdog

with grey poupon silly

I think, but I’m not sure, but yes I do think that this may be the beginning of my idleness.  The door is open and I’m limping out into the sunlight and what do I see?  A world of slow moving, dilly-dallying ice-cream drippers.  A life of no pressure.  A life where you don’t need to eat the ice-cream before it melts.

It’s running down the back of my hand

Creamy cold sticky sweet

My mouth is covered in white

And my shirt is speckled with drops

of delight

I’m talking about melty ice-cream….

My body aches

my shoes untied

disheveled and weary

my brain is fried

Alas this is no more!

I taken myself off

the work schedule-ore!

Yeah, I’m not on the schedule at work anymore.  I am strictly by request only.  I can’t retire altogether from massage, at least not yet I can’t.  But I can make it damn hard to book with me.

This by no means portends that I’m out of hot water.  It just means that I’m done.  Physically, I’m done.  But the hot water is certainly still there.

Burning my feet

red as a beet

I jump out onto cold-

ice but it’s sleek

Thin and brittle it cracks

I bess’ be watchin’ my ass

so I jump on a rock

with a hard place above

and I pound on my confinement and yell

“WHAT THE FOCK?”

I’m in hot water, I’m on thin ice, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

funny-meme-pictures

Where the hell are my parents?  It’s past midnight.  I just ate a cold tube of kielbasa out of a plastic baggy.  I’m all alone here.

My parents are probably at the cottage in Rhode Island living it up with my brother and his girlfriend.  One big party.  While I’m home playing a video game that I already beat and stuffing my face with cold tubes of kielbasa.

At thirty-fucking-five-years-old!

Just give me a minute world…..I’ll join you soon.  Not yet, but soon.  It’s just that you’re so damn demanding of my time that I’d rather hide from you.

My new goal is to garner 50 more members.  I’ll be high rolling it biggie style with gold teeth and shit if I had 50 more members.

My member count now?  After getting rid of the members with declined credit cards and who haven’t been in for a while, my total active member count is 147.  Earlier today, before abolishing the non-paying members, it was 154.

Fuck this shit I swear.  I’m sick of this member count shit.  I’m sick of all this shitty shit that goes on in my head.

Shitty shitty bang bang

in my head

splat goes the sound

of my brains on the ground

Burp fart giggle wriggle

it lies there to jiggle

Shitty shitty bang bang

in my head

What I’m really sick of?  Massaging people.  But you know that already.

I don’t care if you’re handsome

I don’t care if you’re nice

I don’t care if you’re clean

and don’t carry lice

You want me to rub you

with lotion

and oil

and the pain starts in my ass

that I proclaim royal

It’s not personal,

I’m sure you’re grand

It’s just that I’d rather do

something else with my hand

Um, okay, now there’s a weird unexplained noise I’m hearing.

It’s pouring outside.

Oh It’s my parents that just got home.  Where the hell did they go?

Hold on……

The casino of course.

It’s so weird, when I wrote my last post I was a depressed mess and now I’m looking back on it like it never happened.  It’s almost like the person who wrote that post is not me – the person I was, but not anymore.

When did I write it?  Was it yesterday?  I tell ya, when I let go, I really let go.

I don’t want to dive into that crap anymore.  It’s useless crap.  And figuring out why things happen and how to overcome stupid shit is also useless.

There’s something about that thing I wrote at the end tho, the “no effort” part.  That’s about the only part that isn’t entirely useless.

It’s the dwelling that’s pointless.  Dwelling that my brother won’t speak to me because I’m trying to build up my business that was inevitably going to happen?  Why?  Why dwell?

Honestly, it was inevitable.  He should’ve known that and he shouldn’t have bought a spa next to mine.

Anyway, I think I’m all rhymed out for now.  It takes me less time to think up rhymes than it does to actually write normally.

I will join the world soon though.  Right after I get all the members I need.  I have plans.  Big plans to make it happen as soon as possible.

Peace out trouts,

Mel out

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Filed under humor, journal, Odes, Self help, Writing

It’s Alive! Alive!

Atop my shoulder sits a hair.

Wily it moves as it sways through the air.

It tickles my cheek,

Whispers words that are sweet,

And yes you heard correctly,

my hair doth speak!

“Reach for the stars”

A tiny voice says.

“Look at me!  I’m almost as tall as a tree!”

My hair frolics and dances and provides good company.

My new friend occurred quite

unexpectedly.

“There there now, life is cake.

You must stretch yourself  and

you will not break.

Roots become stronger, the longer you grow.

That’s the way of life,

Quid pro quo.”

I found this ghastly hair growing out of my shoulder yesterday.  It was moving as if it were alive.

Weird.

Anyway, what’s up with me other than my illogically long shoulder hair?

Life.  Life is what’s up.  It happens and I can’t do anything about it.

It’s happening as we speak.

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m laying in bed rhyming about one absurdly long shoulder hair.

“Live life fully Melanie!  Get up and live!”

Shut up stupid hair.

My Dad’s best friend died last week.  I called him Uncle Sparky and attended his Halloween parties and New Years eve parties every year when I was a kid.

I call these people “The Greats.”  Our foundation of stability and love – the cradle I was born into but not just cradling me, but my parents too.  We always had them.  Their doors were always open.

I started thinking about how some day, no one will be left.  All I’ll have is my brother who refuses to speak to me, but he refuses to speak to mostly everyone.

And I was sinking back into the dreaded “What’s the point of it all?” outlook on life.

Uncle Sparky’s wife died a few years ago and everyone at his funeral said that made things easier.  So now they can be together.  But for me (being selfish), it was harder because now they’re both gone.  Their festive house is gone, their vegetable garden, gone, my parents going over once a week for visits, gone.

Everyone going but my brother who is still here, is gone to me too.

Unless you’re made of stone, it’s hard not to feel the emptiness.

One of my friends posted a video on my Facebook page about chakra’s.

This is a HUGE reason why I watch these cartoons.  I never gave chakra’s a second thought until seeing this cartoon but everything about it fits in perfect with what ayahuasca taught me.

My biggest hurdle, the one I can’t release, is my thought chakra.  The one on top of my head.  I have too much attachment, too much sentiment.  Sentiment is more like sediment.

Ayahuasca kept trying to drill it into me to “let go.”  Over and over she told me this.  She also told me that this world is an illusion meant to test your courage to let go and to trust.  Once you let go, you’ll not need God (or anyone) because you become him – you are him.

Ayahuasca – “Don’t rely on God.  Rely on yourself.  You are God.  You’re here to learn awareness of that.”

Me – “But why do I have to be here in the physical world to learn it?”

Ayahuasca – “You can only become aware of something once you’ve been separated from it.”

We’re him right now, God, but we have no awareness of that so we turn to faith which is not the same as actual knowing.  It’s just a substitute for the real thing.  We have faith that God is in us.

That’s not awareness.

Ayahuasca said I’m here to learn how to let go and to trust.

My brother unfriended me on Facebook.  If I’m hurt by this, it only means that I’m still attached to my ego and can’t let go of fear.  Fear that the one person in my life that will always be there, won’t be.

As long as I keep the pain going, I’m still attached, I’m still connected to my brother in some way.  Just like my Uncle Sparky stayed with the pain after his wife died – it was his only connection to her that kept her alive.

If I escape it, if I ignore it, if I place blame and judgement and rationalize that it’s for the best he’s out of my life – that’s not letting go.  It’s holding on to hate and anger.

But how do I let go?

I bought an audiobook about chakras.  It’s pretty good.  I’ll post the important stuff I learn from it.

I’m actually okay, I always am for the most part.  But I experienced the emptiness once or twice before and I never want to go back there again.

It’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone and no matter what a person does to me, I ALWAYS forgive them – there is not one person in my entire life that I can say I won’t forgive.  And I keep comparing them to me.  That’s where the problems start.

“How can they do this?  I’d never do this to them.  I don’t understand.”

This is a form of judgement and judgement doesn’t allow for understanding.  It’s like a sentence – a justice.  The gavel came down and ended the hearing.  Blame has been placed and we can all move on.

I have to understand that everyone is different and I need to accept them, which I do over and over again (at least, I think I do).

But then when I do feel like I let go in the proper way, I look straight ahead and forge on with my life and I wonder, what’s the point?  Why live only for myself?  I’d rather die.  I edge myself closer to the void.

And I look to see where I went wrong.  To see all the mistakes I’ve made.  And when it comes down to it, everything that’s happened to me was inevitable.  Unavoidable.  I had no influence what-so-ever.

Ayahuasca told me that everything happens for a reason.  Every detail fits into the larger.  My life is directly affected by other people and vice versa.  All leading up to the single goal of letting go.

I have fear in me that can only be addressed by situations outside my control.  No matter how hard I tried to fix my mistakes, I tried fixing them out of fear.  Not love, not trust, but fear.  Fear of living a pointless, meaningless existence, fear of the ultimate misery of loneliness – a verdict worse than death.

Ayahuasca showed me all this and I cried for myself.  I felt compassion for myself.

The other day I binge watched The Quest on Netflix which is a reality show where the contestants vote each other off.  One woman stood behind a man to vote for him simply because she felt everyone should have at least one person standing behind them.  She stood behind him even though she didn’t like him and was glad he was being voted off.

But then when it came her turn, nobody stood behind her.  She was the only contestant during the entire show that had nobody standing behind her.

I found this interesting because I understand that everything happens for a reason, but how is it that the one person who understood the importance of other people’s feelings was left standing alone?  The one person who made such a fuss about it?

She was well liked, she wasn’t an asshole or anything like that, so why did this happen?

She stood behind him out of fear.  Her own fear guided her to do it.  It wasn’t out of compassion, but more like “do unto others what you would want done unto you” sort of thing.  A pay it forward.

This is how karma works.  It doesn’t matter how many good deeds you do, if you do things out of fear, it will bite you in the ass no matter how noble you are.

She needed to learn to let go.  To do things not expecting reciprocation, not because that’s how you yourself would want to be treated.  Because in a way, that’s selfish.

You should do things simply because it’s the right thing to do.

And my brother not speaking to me anymore may seem like the wrong thing, but it’s still his choice.  I have to accept it.  And that shouldn’t influence me into also doing the wrong thing.

I do things for people.  Not because I’m scared of them not liking me, or that it’s the way I want to be treated – no, I do things for people because I love them.  And I’ll alway love my bro, so I have to be strong and keep doing what’s right.

Ayahuasca told me none of this matters.  All the hurt, all the pain, none of it matters.  It’s not real.

I just have to focus on doing what’s right and living solely for myself doesn’t feel right to me.  The only thing that feels right is to trust the process that all will be well in the end.

And acting all righteous and shit is no better.  Being the bigger person is crap.

I just texted my bro telling him that I love him.  I hope he doesn’t read into it like I’m being the bigger person thereby making him feel small and wrong.

Telling someone you love them can backfire.  Being the bigger person can backfire.

But I did it because it’s true and it was the right thing to do.

Strength and believing in yourself…..lots of strength, lots of belief.

He texted back “I love you too little sis.”

How do you let go?  No effort.  That’s how.

No effort.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, video's

Laying in bed on a Tuesday

I originally wanted to tie up loose ends from my last post such as the “letting go” part of it.  If my esthetician “let go” of the taxi cab she was in, she wouldn’t be around today to tell her tale.

I would’ve went on a long wild tangent on how you have to make a choice and to trust God within you.  To “let go” of all that is unnecessary, to trust, to choose, and to take action knowing that you will NOT fail.

There’s a very fine line between letting go in the physical, intellectual sense of the meaning in comparison to the other way of letting go.  It’s such a fine line that I have trouble describing it which only makes me sound like I’m full of shit.

How do I describe it?  If she let go of the cab even after her instincts told her not to, it’d be more like giving up.  Giving up is not the same as letting go although for most of us it’s the same thing.

People choose to fail because they still have power as long as they can choose.  They choose failure because they have no trust in themselves or the process found in courage.

Choosing failure is the ego’s last resort to exert control over a situation that takes courage to endure.

The “letting go” I’m talking about, the one my esthetician described to me is just the opposite of giving up.  She let go of fear and made a choice.

But anyway, it’s too heady even for my head.

So instead of going into one of my transfixed wild tangents, I want to write about my business.

A few posts ago, I was having a really good week.  An astounding month actually.  I claimed that my take-home pay was $1000 a week.  Well, it’s a few weeks later and no, I was wrong.

I keep ping-ponging back and forth between success and fear (failure).  At the beginning of the month when I charge all my members, I feel relieved and successful.  But then as the end of the month approaches, when that money drastically dwindles, my stomach turns upside-down.

“What can I do.  What can I do to help my finances?”

All my choices thus far have been thought-out and calculated.

Every action, every investment I made – everything figured out in my monthly budget.  Everything except one thing.

My therapist broke her arm and instead of taking in money (clients), she sits there answering phones all day.  Roughly 35 hours a week, $350 a week, $1400 a month.  Figure in taxes, that’s about $2,000 a month I’m investing in with no added return.

I was planning on hiring a receptionist eventually when I could safely afford it, but it happened too soon.  And as a way of compensating for my new expense, I invested in facials and rented the rooms upstairs for more space to accommodate those facials.

The money I spent as the result of her broken limb is immense.  Not only do I pay $2000 a month, but all my new improvements are enough to bankrupt me.

So what do I do?  I have to get her taking clients again as soon as possible.  The only plan I thought of to combat this was ashiatsu – walking on clients backs.  And with the two new rooms, I’ll be able to fit in the ashiatsu bars.

I love this employee and she loves me.  My esthetician even pointed it out that she loves me.  So this employee is going nowhere but here.  I care about her too much.

If I can take back my $2000 a month, I’ll definitely be making $1000 a week after all my bills (personal and business) are paid.

The next ashiatsu class is July 24th.  Can I hold out until then?  During the dead of summer when no clients book?

On the ride home yesterday, I discussed more menu options with my esthetician.  We decided to add eyebrow threading and waxing to the menu – both being of little expense on my part but have big payouts.

Today I have to figure out her commission for doing these new services, and finish my brochures.

I strive for peace of mind – I’ve been striving since I opened up this place.  But it never ends.  There’s always something.

I work but I don’t have anything to show for it.  I work and get nothing but worry.

My estheticians story from yesterday unknowingly showed me the difference between letting go and giving up, although I can’t put it into words.  I feel it emotionally.

Giving up causes hate and anger towards her offenders, but letting go releases all that.  In a way, it’s acceptance.  It’s taking responsibility.  It’s accepting death in lieu of your fears winning over you.

My esthetician – “I kept telling them to kill me.  They threatened me with being tortured in prison and I say ‘kill me now then.  Kill me now.  I’m not leaving this cab.’

She accepted death and let go while still not giving up.

I know you don’t understand, I know.  But I can’t explain it any better than that.

She’s an amazing woman, my esthetician.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

My Day

I’m sitting at a Starbucks in downtown Manhattan on official business.

At least, that’s what I want to believe.  I want to believe that I’m a successful business entrepreneur who ended up in a downtown Manhattan Starbucks on official business.  With her Apple iPhone and Macbook at hand, dressed like a smart hipster with a cool aloofness that draws people in.

No, instead I’m cleaning my computer screen with the sleeve of my shirt and itching my runny nose with also, the sleeve of my shirt.  I’m wearing second-hand pants and my shoes are made out of some kind of plastic or something similar to plastic.  I’m not sure what.

What the hell are my shoes made of?  Now I’m searching the inside of my shoe.  Doesn’t say.

I’m supposed to be working on brochures for my business but I’m too tired for that shit.

Why am I here?

I’m getting my esthetician trained in micro-current facials.  This is the closest school I found that does it.  I offered to go with her so she wouldn’t be alone in NY and she said ‘yes please’ and so here I am.

I hate that I’m nice.

I’m roughly 1 hour and 45 minutes away from home but the traffic tacks on another hour or two.  An hour or two of teeth grinding traffic.  I have a mouth full of teeth sand.

I got lost and had to go over the GW bridge twice which ended up costing me $16.  Going over the GW twice is becoming a tradition.  One of Melanie’s many humiliating traditions.  I dropped my esthetician off at the school just shy an hour late.

I parked at a garage not knowing the full extent of how much they charge.  Across the street from where I’m sitting, I see a place that charges exactly $10.14 for up to 30 minutes.

Um…shit?

After parking I came here, to Starbucks.  There’s one on every block.

I really want to pick up my car….

So far this trip is costing me a fortune.  I want to feel like a successful entrepreneur doing work at a Starbucks in downtown Manhattan but the truth is, my shoes are plastic (or something similar to plastic), and I’m too cheap to even buy myself a sandwich.  Not cheap, poor.  There’s a difference.

Maybe not poor, but realistic? I get my sandwiches at home for free mothafugas so why pay?

Today is payday for all my employee’s which means today is the opposite of payday for me.

It’s 1:50.  Only four more hours to go.

I dropped my car off at 11:20 at the parking garage and I’m not thrilled about leaving it there.  What was I thinking?  I didn’t think it would cost so much that’s what I was thinking!

I should go back and get it.  Yeah, I have to.  Definitely have to.

Okay I’m back.  My bill totaled $30.  Not horrible, but not great either.  I moved my car to the street which costs absolutely nothing.  And the absurd thing is, there’s ample street parking everywhere!  I didn’t think a garage would cost so much seeing that their competitors offer free parking.

Ridiculous….

I just met Phil, an old woman who works at the Gershwin theater.  She wants to get me free tickets to see Wicked.  We exchanged numbers and ate ramen together at a small but popular ramen restaurant that had a line out the door.

***************

I’m home now.  I’m fried.  Big crowds seep up my energy like suction cup tentacles.

Oh and my car got hit!  How did I forget about that?  I heard a dull thud while I was driving 5MPH and I thought it was a pedestrian at first and…..oh god this is bad…..I shouldn’t be telling you this…..

I ignored it and sped up!

Okay okay, I know that sounds bad but if you were there you’d understand.  I thought a person fell into my car – not me hitting them, but them hitting me.  When I came to my senses and looked back, I saw a yellow van pulling out into ongoing traffic – it was him that bumped my tail end.  Not a pedestrian.

“That asshole.”

My esthetician told me the most amazing stories on the ride home.  Crazy crazy stories about her visit to Saudi Arabia where she was held at gunpoint, and her friends living in Iran with abusive husbands.

The judges over there don’t allow divorce due to abuse (even if it was an arranged marriage to a man 34 years your senior and who already has wives) and they even tell the victims that it’s their own doing.

Not only that, but rape victims get thrown in jail, whipped, tortured, and one woman that she knew of was sentenced to disembowelment – they took out her intestines because she got gang raped.

Women are not allowed to be in the company of men who are not blood relatives or their husbands.  When seen in public, the woman is arrested, tortured, and thrown in jail.  This is what happened to my esthetician when she shared a cab with her male friend.  That’s when she was held at gunpoint and nearly raped by a gang of men claiming to be authority.

Hole-lee-shit.

I love America.  Americans don’t know how good they got it.

My esthetician – “I asked God to help me.  I kept thinking about that quote that says, ‘if you were to fall from a cliff, God will be there to catch you and if he’s not there to catch you, he’ll give you wings.’  And I was trusting God will help me and I heard him tell me that whatever happens, don’t leave the cab.  Don’t get out of the cab.  So I held onto the cab and refused to leave it.  They were punching me and kicking me in my side but I didn’t feel it.  They kept pulling and pulling on me to get out.  They couldn’t get me out and so they stopped.  I’ll never forget that day.  9 hours it lasted.”

*************

I’m exhausted.  Crowds man, they kill me.  Life kills me (literally).

You know, if God didn’t exist there wouldn’t be atheists.

Think about it.

Beliefs like that are trippy.  I can understand agnostics, but ANY hardcore belief trips me out.  Atheists have faith that there is no God, while everyone else has faith that there is.  It’s all the same.  Whether you do or you don’t, it’s the same.

That’s why I’m not a fan of faith.  I’m a fan of “knowing” and when I was under ayahuasca, she said that faith is not part of our spiritual evolution but actual “knowing” is.  Faith doesn’t exist in the spirit realm.  It’s just another lie we tell ourselves.  An illusion to help our ego’s control and understand.

Do you have faith that you exist?  No!  You know you exist.  Why?  Because we think.

{Completely off my original topic, but if our thoughts are the only proof of our existence, wouldn’t that mean the closer we get to silencing our thoughts, the closer we get to the source of its power?  The soul?

Now now wait, just hear me out a sec.  If we abolish the “self” and empty our contents, there wouldn’t be anything left separating us from the source.  I was high one night and totally understood this!  It’s our own fear that keeps our thoughts in place.

I tried and tried to empty my mind and meditate while I was high, but it was like a tug of war.  I kept holding on and it dawned on me that it was my own fear.

Ultimately, I believed that I would die if I let go of all thought.  No matter how ridiculous that sounded, I couldn’t deny my reasoning.  I was in fact, terrified of dying.}

Now back to our regular scheduled topic….

I understood this on an emotional level and it was immense (that faith doesn’t exist).  There IS no faith.  Faith is an illusion.  But how do you get to the “knowing” part?  Through suffering and in letting go.  Trust is real.

The words we use in everyday speech take on different meanings – deeper, emotionally felt meanings that can’t be put into words.  Trust and faith are not the same.

Trust is tangible while faith is a dream.  You’re able to let go because of trust – trust in that whatever happens, is meant to be.  And whatever you do, it’s all part of the process.

Trust the process!

Rational Brain – “Okay there Gandhi, let’s wrap things up before you go on one of your wild tangents.”

Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?

The thing that gets to me is, some people don’t think it’s that bad over there in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Africa or wherever.  They say it’s their culture and it’s what they agree to.  It’s all they know and it’s not our place to fight it.

They turn a blind eye to it.  If we label the country as bad, than that means the entire nationality/race must be bad and us pious non-racists don’t adhere to that.

It really irks me that people do that.  They label an entire race or nationality of people based on what country they’re from.  They can’t separate the one from the whole and because of this, we allow bad behavior to continue because if we didn’t, we would hate and discriminate.

For example, if you agree that it’s not bad over in Saudi Arabia or Iran, but your ears perked up in agreement that yes, Africa IS bad – there’s a good chance that you’re a little prejudiced towards black people.  Unless that is, if you’re one in the few who can separate the one from the whole.

Another reason why we refuse to “discriminate” is that we don’t have the power to do anything about it.  We don’t have the power to help anyone.  And because we lack power, instead of admitting to our lack of power, we end up defending ourselves.  We defend ourselves by denying that there’s a problem in the first place.  All because of our ingracious ego’s.

I mean, to me, it’s the obvious reason why we turn our heads when we see others suffering (especially by our own hands).  We end up blaming the victim which is no different than sentencing them to death.  We all lack power and can’t let go of our own needs.

We are globally the same.

My esthetician – “I come to America and I get job, I get shelter, food, I get a big welcome.  But in Iran we get none of that.  We have only our family and our culture.”

This makes me think that the more we depend on our family to care for us, the harder it is to let go of culture and outdated beliefs.  If we were to let go of one, the others will topple like a 4 foot tall jenga.  Our world unravels and we are left with nothing.

It’s like instead of having both feet planted firmly on the truth, we’re stationed up in hammocks not wanting to get our feet wet.  The stronger your “faith” in the hammock, the less likely you are to get wet.

Fear…..

Aaaagh…..I can never up and leave to go live someplace else.  But what if I’m just looking at shadows on the wall?  This is my culture and I can’t see outside it?

Okay, new item on bucket list:  Live somewhere else for at least 6 months.

Rational Brain – “Are you done now?”

Hold on let me think…

Yup.

Rational Brain – “This is all said by someone who sped up after thinking she hit someone.”

Reflexes Rational Brain!  That was from reflexes!  It would’ve been their fault anyway!

Rational Brain – “Blaming victims are we?”

Oh shut up.  Just shut up.

 

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