More business crap

I hired an esthetician, two in fact, to do micro-current facials.  One of them told me she will contact her teacher who know’s how to do them so they can get a hands-on training course before they start taking clients.

It’s now a week later and I have not heard back.  FIRED.

But I still have my other esthetician.  The one who’s type A and all fired up.  She rattled off a list of things we can offer to people.

So now I’ll be offering regular facials as well as micro-current facials.  A double whammy.

We’ll be offering Rhonda Allison’s signature Minus 10 facial.  It’s simple, it’s pure, and it’s effective.  I just bought a facial steamer with a mag lamp for $325.

For micro-current training, there’s a school in Southbury that has it but I have to call tomorrow because they’re closed today.  If that doesn’t work, she’ll have to take a course in NY that starts in May.

Either way, I’m getting things rolling.  Clients need more options to stay members with us and they need more reasons to join.

This is only the beginning.  Yes, only the beginning.

And I feel more at ease with only one esthetician.  If I need more, I can easily get more.  But the one I found is truly exceptional.  She gets me pumped and excited.

I feel like I’m retaking my business.  It all started by cutting Laurie’s shifts down to one day a week.

Laurie possesses ALL of my worst qualities. Nervousness, shyness, inferiority, low confidence, incompetence, inability to speak – she has them all. It’s like looking at myself when I hit puberty. But she’s 37 years old!

I hired her on a whim when I was desperate. My other therapist cut her hours a week before my Thailand trip and I needed coverage asap.  I was forced into giving Laurie the benefit of the doubt.

She’s too scared to answer phones, she added two extra hours to her timesheet that she didn’t work, she wrote down a client whom she didn’t massage, she’s awkward around people and the other therapists make fun of her.

I can’t talk to or even look at her without seeing my own flaws – the most weakest, humiliating parts of me.

And so, I hired a new person and cut Laurie’s shifts down to one day a week.

Me – “I’m sorry Laurie, but Mollie does other things other than just giving massage.” Such as, answer phones and utilizing all of her brain functions.

Just because I’m an empath doesn’t make me a saint. If anything, being an empath actually exacerbates my intolerance.

We sold 10 memberships this month.  That’s the average amount we sell without marketing it.  But how many did we lose?  14.  We lost 14 members this month alone.

I have the tendency of slipping into the void of fear when thinking about it.  And wincing every time Laurie massages someone – makes my stress levels rise even more.

I’m glad I’m finally writing about it.  It’s important to document all of this.

But with my plan and my new esthetician, just imagine how many members we can keep!

I’m realizing that it’s not about how many memberships we sell, but how many members we can actually keep that’s important.

We were up to over 150 at one point but after weeding out the one’s with declined credit cards and haven’t been in for a while, we are now down to 135 active members.  At the beginning of the month it was 139.  The number is dropping.  Our lifeblood is dropping.

And my tolerance for giving massage is at it’s barest minimum.  I hate it that much.  So relying on my skills is no longer an option.  I can’t carry the weight.  All I need is one more therapist who’ll agree to work two stinking days a the week, Friday night and Sunday – the two days that I’m still on the schedule.

My employee’s are:

Holly, Crista, Adonis, Marlyn, Anthony, Kasey, Laurie and Molly.  And one esthetician, Sheila.  9 employee’s!  When I first made an outline of my business plan, according to the outline, I needed at least 10.  Just one more….

This can actually work.  No no, I know it will work.  It’s just that I’m terribly impatient.

Here are the 6 things that trigger my impatience:

1) Doing something I don’t want to do.

2) Waiting / relying on others when I’m unable to do it myself.

3) Cruelty and inequality.

4) People who lie.

5) People who think they’re better than everyone.

6) Bratty kids or grown-ups who don’t respect elders – even when that elder is an asshole.

1 and 2 are the one’s that pop up the most while owning a business.  But they don’t just pop up, I’ve been dealing with both triggers consecutively since opening up the place.

I’ve reached my limit.  I can’t wait any longer.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Melanie freaks out on one cup of chai tea latte and concludes that cancer is necessary for evolution!

(Please note that the ending to this post is better than its beginning.  It get’s better the further you read.  Good luck!.)

Why?  Why does caffeine hate me?  I mean, it does give me the ability to read minds and all, which is cool, but I don’t like the forlorn doom effect it has on my psyche.

Chai tea contains 40mg of caffeine compared to the 120mg’s found in your average cup of Joe (which drives me down to crazy town).

The effects are almost instantaneous.  I take one sip and beads of sweat dapple my forehead.

Chai isn’t as bad as coffee, but I can hear it whispering and laughing at me in the distance.

Chai – “Ha ha look at her!  Is she freaking out?”

Chai #2 – “A little.  Let’s keep quiet.  Maybe she won’t notice us.”

I’m nuts.  Clearly nuts.

What amazes me, I mean truly amazes me, is how it messes with my whole thought process.  This is NOT me.  But if I’m not my thoughts or my actions, what am I?

Rational Brain – “We went over this – it’s your intentions, remember?”

Oh right….so confusing….I still don’t fully get it but I’ll save it for another post.

So anyway, to dig deeper into the mystery of why caffeine makes me crazy, I googled it and didn’t find a straight answer but what I did find was cytochrome (CYP1A2), the enzyme that breaks down and processes the caffeine molecule in the liver.  The liver!  Of course.  That makes sense.

It also synthesizes cholesterol which means I should get my levels checked.

But does this mean I have too much CYP1A2?  Or not enough?

Not enough (I think).

People who smoke have higher levels of CYP1A2 which means they can process drugs and caffeine easier than if they flat-out quit.  When they quit, the drugs they take (prescribed meds) can have adverse side-effects.

I’m sorry, am I boring you?  I don’t care!

Scattered notes I found across the net (to be patched together later by me):

  • CYP1A2 takes up about 15% of our liver.
  • Smoking (from the polycyclic hydrocarbons found in the smoke) and drinking caffeine increases CYP1A2 levels.
  • Smoking increases cholesterol.
  • Cabbages, cauliflower and broccoli are known to increase levels of CYP1A2.
  • Lower activity of CYP1A2 in South Asians appears to be due to cooking these vegetables in curries using ingredients such as cumin and turmeric, ingredients known to inhibit the enzyme.
  • South Asians have a very low cancer risk.
  • Alcohol induces CYP1A2
  • If you smoke, your body clears caffeine from your system faster than if you didn’t smoke.
  • If you drink coffee while on prescribed meds, the molecules in the coffee and in the meds compete for the CYP1A2 enzyme in order to break them down, therefore caffeine takes longer to clear from the body while taking meds (because less enzymes are available).
  • Caffeine has a powerful anti-depressant effect (unrelated but interesting).
  • Alcohol decreases the speed it takes to clear caffeine from your system because they both compete for CYP1A2.
  • CYP1A2 is responsible for the metabolism of estrogens.
  • Increased CYP1A2 function may be associated with increased risk of breast cancer.
  • Woman who smoke have lower levels of urinary estrogen.
  • Chinese woman with slow NAT2 and rapid CYP1A2 activity were at greater risk for lung cancer
  • Cooking meat over an open flame such as charbroiling produces heterocyclic amines (HCAs) and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs) found in cigarette smoke (the stuff that increases CYP1A2 levels).
  • Polycyclic hydrocarbons (HCA’s) are mutagenic, meaning, they can cause mutations in the DNA resulting in cancer.
  • HCA’s and PAH’s are formed when the fat and juice in the raw meat drips down into the open flame and that same flame is used to cook the meat.
  • Humans started evolving shortly after learning to cook meat by showing rapid growth in brain size and smaller jaws.
  • Cooked food contains more calories than raw food.
  • The more calories we consume, the more proficient our brain works.
  • Eating raw vegetables can decrease the risk of cancer.
  • It is possible (not 100% proven) that cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli reduce the risk of cancer depending on how long it takes the body to metabolize the protective isothiocyanate found in them.  Meaning, some people keep cancer fighting agents in their body longer than others.

(I got a little off topic.)

Scattered notes from personal thoughts / experience / assumptions:

  • I’m very responsive to aspirin and acetainophen (they last a long time in my system).
  • One beer makes me happy.
  • Caffeine gives me insomnia (it lasts a long time).
  • Maybe South Asians are sensitive to alcohol because they have low levels of CYP1A2?
  • Maybe caffeine can enhance and prolong the effects of alcohol?
  • Maybe humans evolved quickly as a result of cooking meat due to the PAH’s and HCA’s creating mutations in our DNA.
  • Cooking food evolved us into the humans we are today.
  • By cooking cruciferous vegetable in turmeric and cumin, slows the activity of CYP1A2, therefore keeping the cancer fighting protective isothiocyanates longer in your body.

One bullet point that stands out is why woman who smoke have lower levels of urinary estrogen.  Is it because the increase level of CYP1A2  metabolizes the estrogen too fast? Thereby sending estrogen into the bloodstream to accumulate in the uterus and breast tissue causing breast density to rise due to the fact that estrogen causes breast cells to divide and multiply?  Never to escape?

All these bullet points were taken from researching nearly indecipherable medical jargon.  I’m sure that somewhere in the jargon describes perfectly well why smokers have lowered estrogen levels in their urine, but to me it doesn’t add up.  I don’t get it.  There is literally no clear answer.  What little I could decipher, I wrote as a clear bullet point.

Conclusion:

My brother rented the movie Bird Man and I’m going to watch it.  I spent waaaaay too much time on this.  I did however, eat a bunch of cabbage just now to increase my CYP1A2 levels so I can flush out that damn latte I had earlier.

It turns out that there’s more than one type of CYP1A2.  It depends on your genes.  It varies like blood type.  I self-diagnosed myself with the slow metabolizing CYP1A2 type – the type that decreases your chances of getting certain cancers, but increases my risk of heart attack (this is my theory, no one else’s).

So I guess it’s safe to conclude that I have low CYP1A2 levels of the slow type of CYP1A2.  I need to start charbroiling my food and eating raw broccoli.

Maybe it’s also related to stress?  Damn it now I want to google CYP1A2 and stress.  When will this be over?  Are you kidding me brain?

Well, according to one guy “….stress alone results in increases in the abundance of proteins responsive to oxidative stress, along with Phase I and II metabolizing enzymes.”

My new bullet point under assumptions (not facts):

  • Stress may cause rapid metabolic function which results in low absorption of cancer fighting agents found in cruciferous veggies.

These enzymes increase in order to rid the body of carcinogens.  And since there’s a strong link between our physical and mental state, these enzymes can’t tell one from the other so mental stress can in turn, cause them to increase.  And upon the increase, all metabolic processes also increase resulting in cell division and abnormal DNA mutations.

I have a crazy whacked out theory that psychological stress is the pre-curser to evolution.

Think about it.

Evolution occurs when our desires don’t match up with our current circumstances (this causes stress).  And according to my recent study, stress causes mutations in our DNA (proven with lab rats).  Thereby allowing me to presume that thought (stress) alone created the way our body looks and operates today.  It’s like our evolution had direction.  Do you know what I mean?  Like our mutations were conscious choices.

And my theory that we fall in love with people who have traits that we desire but lack, our collective desired traits are passed down from generation to generation, creating mutations and in our eyes, a more attractive species.  We are the culmination of our (inherited) desires.

Which brings me back to the belief that WE created US.  God didn’t create us, we did.  We are it.  Don’t get me wrong though, there’s still a God.

If we thought tails were sexy, we’d still have them.  But having a tail means less blood flow to the brain and extremities resulting in lower intelligence and stamina – in other words, we didn’t need them.  Evolution also means to let go of things you’ve out-grown.  Like pants.

Rational Brain – “What about the whole “survival of the fittest” rational?  Black bears living in the South Pole didn’t last long because their little black cubs were easily spotted and snatched up.  So only the white polar bear survived.  Are you saying that polar bears “desired” to mate with white bears and it had nothing to do with the black cubs vulnerability?”

Ugh…..*sign*.

I really wanted to watch Bird Man.

But think about it, seriously.  Stress causes mutations in our DNA – mutations can lead to cancer or it can lead us to an evolutionary leap.  Maybe cancer has to exist in order for us to evolve?  If we stop all abnormal mutations and start growing humans like soy beans with GMO’s and what-not’s, we’d all be the same apple tree for as long as time lasts.

Rational Brain – “Don’t ignore me.  I made a really good argument.”

Oh god I hope I don’t get cancer for writing this.

And cancer is genetic because our bodies are trying to evolve, but not quite getting it right so each generation has to cope with their inherited cancer risk until they hit a generation that surpasses the threat by owning a new mutated gene that wasn’t present in their ancestors.  Like reading minds for instance.  Reading minds would be cool trait.

Rational Brain – “Melanie, stop.  Please just stop.”

One latte!  All this from one latte!

And yeah, I know I sound crazy.

So much went down today.  I want to fire one of my employee’s and I didn’t even broach the subject.  That was my original intension for writing this post – to tell you the story of how I want to fire one of my employee’s.

OMG brain….you distracted little pissant.  You hath no focus.  Or do you have too much focus?

I think I need to eat more cabbage.

Oh and get this!  Don’t you find it strange that the same time we start cooking food is the same time our evolution speeds up?  It’s like having those fatty juices falling into the open flame helped speed up the process.  It’s like evolution never would have occurred without the use of fire.  I mean, homo sapiens never would’ve occurred.  Something else?  Maybe.

Shamans believe that fire heals and acts as the gateway between worlds.

The last time I did ayahuasca with them, I understood more deeply the healing aspects of fire but I never got the chance to write about it because I was working non-stop at the time.

In essence, the fire (in my case), represented my thoughts.  They burned, engulfed me, consumed me – but it was the smoke that felt healing.  It’s hard to describe, but it was like watching my thoughts burn and then release.  Burning, then releasing.  But I also understood that the healing smoke wouldn’t be produced without the burning fire, so both needed to exist which makes them equally important to the healing process.

While I’m on the subject, another thing I got out of my last ayahuasca experience was the impenetrable loneliness I felt from the idea that I’m the only one inhabiting my mind.  I’m the only one in here.  It’s just me.  And if our perception of the world is responsible for the world we are given, it felt as though I was the only person living in my world, do you understand?  It’s just me living in my own little world.  Isolated, completely cut-off.

This sent me into the dreaded ayahuasca world of fear.  A lot of people go through it.  It’s basically a panic attack.  And I swear if it were anyone else besides me who experienced this particular fear, this dreadful thought, it would’ve resulted in an outburst – a verbal cry of hysterical panic.

But I knew what was happening because shit like that happened to me before, without the help of aya.  I taken several deep breaths over and over while staring into the fire and remembering what the shaman told me – “the fire will eat your demons so long as you stare into it.  When the demons come, the fire will cleanse them.”

And so I stared, I breathed, I remembered his words and then I saw it.  I saw my thoughts in the fire being swallowed up and turning to smoke.  Letting go of them was like watching myself float away with its ashes.

My panic lasted for maybe 5 minutes before slowly vanishing.

“Are you almost done leaving me yet?  Nope, still there.  Almost out of me now?  Almost….almost.  The smoke, watch the smoke.  My thoughts are drifting away with the smoke.”

And then it was gone.

A post or two (or three) ago, I wrote that somehow my emotional sensitivity made me a stronger person.  Two days ago while I was giving a massage, I understood why this is.  It was a pristine explanation with no holes.

Allowing myself to feel without distraction or the self-inflated shallowness of ego or “rightness” (which too, is a distraction), I’m able to connect with the selfless side of me.  One who suffers for (with) others.

Okay okay, I know how I sound right now and trust me – I do NOT think myself a wondrous sparkly saint sporting a halo.  I’m NOT trying to make myself sound grand – that is not my intention.

Eh hem…aya told me I was a martyr….eh hem….

But I understood how my weakness is strength.

Rational Brain – “Go to bed.  It’s too late for Bird Man.”

Let me just finish this thought.

A coward is someone who’s selfish.  Someone who care’s nothing for anyone but themselves and so they focus on survival and distractions, feeling big and powerful.  But those who are affected deeply by the human plight, and not try to escape from it, care for others besides themselves.

It’s common sense, but when you look at it from the eschewed angle of experience, it tends to make even more common sense.  Does that make sense?

When you care for others, that’s where you’ll find courage.  In fact, it might be the only place to find courage.  That’s why ayahuasca made it abundantly clear that giving is everything and strength is beauty.  You give out of piety, not pity.  Your strength comes from weakness, not power.

My strength, my “weakness”, is the stress put upon my shoulders that evolves me.  It can either eat me as a cancer, or evolve me into something greater.  Stay in the fire, or release me to the heavens.  According to ayahuasca, I get to choose.

Rational Brain – “I’m speechless.  Tonight, for once, being rational is not the beautiful thing to be.”

You’re wrong.  Being rational accentuates my philosophy.  I’m the flame and you’re the smoke – the exquisite aftermath.

And according to ayahuasca, you can only gain understanding with experience.  And according to me, experience occurs when you have an emotional reaction.  So in theory, the more you emotionally connect with an experience, the more likely you are to understand it.  My emotional vulnerability (not to be confused with instability), connects more freely with others, hence I can understand them.  And shit man, sometimes I wish I didn’t.

Rational Brain – “The cabbage didn’t help get rid of the caffeine, did it.”

I’m not anxious anymore, just awake.  Awake at 2am.

Damn, I just remembered about the employee I want to fire.  That post will be at least 1500 words.  I can’t believe how I didn’t write about it at ALL.  I can’t believe I didn’t write about Thailand!

I have so much stuff to write about.  The things I do, the people in my life, my everyday shenanigans….none of it takes precedence while I’m “in the moment”.  While being consumed by the flames.

It’s like none of it’s important to me but than again, it’s my life!  It’s my actual life that I’m not writing about – the purpose of my blog is to record and chronicle my life but instead, some other part takes the reigns.  A part that I have no control over.  Which makes me believe that my writing serves a purpose greater than my personal desires.

Rational Brain – “Again with the big head.  You write shit online and get carried away with it.”

Oh shut up and go to bed.

Rational Brain – “You first.”

2,801 words later……I need help.

Leave a comment

Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

And the saga continues….

Om num sha body Om num sha body Om num sha body……

b59f61d6b701638f874fb2a16f967258efd8a893

You know that feeling just before your heart gets ripped from your chest?  When a big sweaty Indian man with crazed eyes sticks his hand in your chest (without sterilizing it first) and pulls out your still beating heart so it can burst into flames before your very eyes?

You know that feeling?

Well, I’m feeling it now.  Right at this very moment.  My eyes are wide with fright.

I just hired not one esthetician, but two.  TWO!!!  To do micro-current facials.  I interviewed both of them today, one right after the other and I liked them both.

Shit shit shit.

I must pray.  Do you have any idea how expensive employee’s are?  They’re freaking expensive, that’s how much they are.  Did you know a butt-load is an actual number?  I’m serious.  Butt is a unit of load.  Look it up.

But these girls do it all….Waxing, scrubs, LED light therapy, body wraps – both being experts in the field and placed in top managerial positions at their previous jobs.  I can easily see manager written all of them.

Thank the lord but OM NUM SHA BODY is my chant for this evening.  Every time my mind wonders to something different, but then remembers – I’ll be chanting OM NUM SHA BODY all day today, and possibly into next month and the month after that.

I’m laying in bed.  I just got home a little while ago.  Should I sleep?  I’m already lying here and in my pajama’s…..

OM NUM SHA BODY

Shit shit shit please oh please god.

I hope it works.  I shall part the heavens with my prayer.  I bought a Jesus bobble head for my car the other day and my mother blessed it with holy water.  I’m going to sleep with it tonight.

I’m not religious in the least but when a person is dying, that’s when they pray.  And since I’m having my heart ripped from my chest cavity and all…..

Why don’t they have stuffed Jesus dolls?  Or Jesus action figures like GI Joe, only have it be GI Jesus?  With his 12 disciples, lamb and myrrh accessories.  The Jesus doll can cry holy water and excrete concentrated evil out his bum.  Jesus Pocket instead of Polly Pocket.  Jesus in a barrel instead of monkeys in a barrel.

Okay, so here’s my plan:

1)  Get these girls on the schedule

2)  Announce micro-current facials to my 2,000 clients

3)  Sell 40 more memberships

4)  Rent the two empty rooms upstairs

5)  Hire more massage therapists

6)  Take myself off the schedule so I only work one day a week (maybe two).

And by the summer I’ll be cruising across the country on my motorcycle.

The question is, can this be done?  Can I seriously do this?  By the summer?  Without losing EVERYTHING in the process?!

I written down a few awesome philosophical debates for me and my rational brain to discuss, but I don’t have the capacity for it now.

Rational brain – “……….”

Yes that’s right.  Stay silent.

I wonder if there’s anything to eat upstairs…

temple

2 Comments

Filed under humor, journal, rant

Don’t read this. It’s boring.

Here’s my day yesterday;

I worked, came home, ate, worked, came home, ate, worked, came home, ate.

I only had three clients but my day was shot and I got nothing done.  I’m not working as much as before, but I’m still working just as much if that makes sense.  The horrible part is that they’re ALL REQUESTS!

Most of them are from my old business, Massage by Melanie.  They text me, call the office, email – doing anything they can to score an appointment with me.

Yesterday I had three, the day before that I had four, today I have four.  I can’t escape it.  And not only can I not escape it, but why do these people love me so much?  There’s at least over 60 of them by now.  At least over 60.  And I grew close to many of them.

That’s the crummy thing.  Being close to them.  Feeling what they feel, caring about them.  All the while I’m wishing they’d adhere to one of my employee’s just as they do with me.

This situation reminds me of my social life.

I’m the type of person who doesn’t like having a lot of friends.  All I need is one or two good ones and then I have them become friends with the new people I acquire because it’s like killing two birds with one stone.  Nobody feels left out and it’s less work for me.  It’s like I create a home for myself.  One where I’m free to roam, but everything’s still in tact when I return.

My employee’s are my home-base and my clients are the new people I acquire.

When it comes down to it, having free time is something that I yearn for.  It’s just as valuable to me as money.  In fact, I would say my time is more valuable than money and the only reason I value money is for the sake that it buys freedom.

Massage exhausts me just as having a lot of friends exhausts me.  I should be nobody’s answer.

It’s just that I feel like I have something to do.  Something really important.  Something that requires me to have only one bucket (if you read my bucket post you’d know what I mean).

And I’ve always felt this way!  Ever since I could remember I always felt that I had something of the upmost importance to do in this life, but I’m always being pulled away from it.

I’m laying in bed on a Sunday morning.  A week away from spring.

This has literally been the longest winter of my life.  I left for Thailand while it was cold out, and I came back from Thailand while it was at it’s coldest – and it’s still cold!

I feel like a kid again reliving long seasons that last a lifetime.  It’s as though the other seasons never existed.

I’m staring at a micro-current facial machine.  It’s on a rolling cart here in my bedroom.  It’s like I’m sitting on a winning lottery ticket but I’m too busy to cash it in.  But if I do cash it in, I can finally have my time, my freedom.

My life is like an RPG video game – it’s just like an RPG!  I work, I toil, collect money to spend on upgrades, build up experience points to ward off infiltration from demons.  What I mean by demons, I mean my personal demons.

I keep racking up points until I defeat all fear and then I can finally claim the freedom I worked so hard for.

It’s now a few days later.

My employee broke her arm.

She broke her arm!!  Do you have any idea how much it sucks for a massage therapist to break an arm?  It sucks.  It sucks a lot.  Especially if you have three kids and massaging is your only source of income.

Employee – “Would I be able to answer phones until it’s all better?”

Of course she can answer phones.  In fact, I’m in desperate need of a receptionist.  Not only that, but I care about this employee a LOT.

My new therapist, the man I hired to work weekends, will pick up her morning shifts during the week.  Everything will be okay.

As soon as I hire an esthetician to do micro-current facials, my income will increase enough to train my broken armed therapist to learn ashiatsu.  She can walk on clients backs so she won’t even need her arm.

Last night I spent over $300 to post an esthetician job.  I’m using Ziprecruiter, Monster and Indeed.  Zip recruiter sucks by the way, don’t use them.

Waiting for an esthetician to apply is like waiting for spring.

My other therapist just texted me saying that she burnt her hand and can’t take her client tonight which means I have to do it.  I was planning to go indoor rock climbing but when you’re a business owner, you basically have no life outside of work.

I’m here now.  Sitting in work manning the phones.  It’s slow today so my morning girl blocked her day off and didn’t come in and the other one is recuperating until tomorrow when she can start answering phones here.

I’m only here for the phones and the occasional walk-in customer.  I don’t mind working as long as it doesn’t involve massaging people.  Unfortunately, I have to tonight because my therapist burnt her hand.

A few days ago I massaged a woman from my old building that I used to work at.

Client – “There were other massage therapists renting spaces there before you did and none of them made it.  You’re the only one who made a real go of it.”

Me – “I literally had no life outside of work.  I was always there.”

Client – “And you’re smart.  You know how to market yourself.  You knew how to put a website together.”

None of them made it….Am I special?  Am I smart?

That’s what I was thinking just before my head blew up and I felt like the god of massage.

No, I’m still not there yet.  I’m still working way too much for me to label myself successful.  God of massage? Yes.  Successful?  No.

It’s so nice here when nobody else is here.  I can crank up the music and unleash my consciousness into the void (AKA dance).

I’m currently working on a new form of meditation.  Well, it’s not new exactly – I’ve been practicing it since I first began writing 20 years ago.  It’s complete and utter honesty meditation.  Authentic soul meditation is what I call it.

You can only grow as a person when you’re being completely honest with yourself.  You bypass the ego and strike pure heart.  It’s like when you do something over and over again – it doesn’t matter what it is – you eventually hit the sweet spot of no ego and you can call yourself a master.

I want mastery of the self.

So how am I feeling right at this very moment?  What’s going on in my head?

It’s so weird to know that all this business stuff I talk about is completely irrelevant in comparison to the bigger picture.

What am I feeling right now?

Tired.  My spirit is repelled by the thought of massaging people and it’s making me tired beyond reason.

I have more clients than I know what to do with – more clients than any massage therapist I know of.  How is this possible?  I never met a massage therapist that didn’t like her job.  Never.  And I never met one with as many clients as I have.  Nothing adds up.  None of it makes sense.

A new client just walked in and her therapist isn’t here yet.  Adonis, my male therapist.  Where is he?  She’s really early though.

It’s a good thing I came into work today.

Having my broken armed therapist answer phones and sit here will be a huge asset for when stuff like this happens.  Plus the phone rang at least 5 times while I was here.

Yesterday was Monday, my day off.  I worked from home for the first three hours after waking up and then laid in bed for the rest of the day watching anime on crunchyroll.  Anime has it’s own version of Netflix and it’s called Crunchyroll.  $8 dollars a month, ad free cartoons.

I didn’t feel like cooking, so I ate whatever I could find in the fridge.  Four hard-boiled eggs and a few slices of spam that my brother fried up for his breakfast earlier.  And that lasted me all day.

I laid around watching cartoons, eating hard-boiled eggs and spam.  The worst part of this scenario is that there was no other place I’d rather be and nothing else I’d rather be doing.

I feel bad.  The client is just sitting here waiting for Adonis.  It’s awkward for me.  I never know what to say to people.  Whew, he’s here.

So the thing is, with being brutally honest with one’s self is that, well, it’s all perspective.  There IS no truth, no real honesty.  I’ve written about it before.  That “I”, my “self” does not exist.

A couple days ago I was talking with a friend who only see’s the bad.  She only see’s that I was negative $10,000 last year, only see’s that I have $500 in my savings account, only see’s that I still live at home.  She thought me going to Thailand during the holiday season was a mistake when I should’ve been here raking in the dough with holiday specials.

Of course she’s right but she’s right from her perspective.  From my perspective, everything is going according to plan and since this is my life to live, I’m not going to wait to live it until everything’s “settled”.  I’m already 35 and I don’t want to miss anymore of it than I already did.  I never want to live with regret, or to lose sight of what’s really important.

And besides, when you factor in how much I accomplished last year – all my member clients, all my new therapists, getting out of my stink hole office, I’d say that I’m doing a pretty bang up job.

And so I’ll eat my spam and hard-boiled eggs while watching cartoons all day – that’s exactly what I wanted to do yesterday and I still have fond memories of it.

I haven’t been having any weird dreams lately.  It’s like I’m too tightly folded into this world of business to ponder anything else.  I’m still too busy.

When I start having my crazy-ass profound dreams again, I’ll know that I’m free once again from everyday toil.

I’m tired, still.  My client will be here in 15 minutes.

I’m not happy with this post but screw it.  It’ll be a long while until I’m happy with any posts.  I’m shooting for the summer.

4 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Business Blurb Before Bed

Hello blog

my midnight snack

my devilish retina burning time sap

It’s nearing midnight and I want to write.  About what?  I don’t know.  But something always comes and I end up with red scratchy eyes in the morning.

I did nothing for three days straight.  It was a well received vacation.  I normally have at least two clients a day that request me, which means that I had to tell over 60 people how my trip to Thailand was.

“Good.  It was good.”

“Good.  It was good.”

Repeat that 60 times over while giving a massage each time.  And that about wraps up what I’ve been up to since getting back.

As absurd as it sounds (since I write a blog and all), I don’t like talking about myself.  More like, I don’t like mechanically answering questions when my hearts not into it.  Everything has to happen organically.  And for the most part, I’m organically inclined to not talk about myself or my crazy family unless I can connect it to the moment.  Otherwise, what’s the point in bringing it up?

I just discovered a way for me to lose weight without diet or exercise.  Want to know what it is?  And no, this does not connect to the moment but I’m a hypocrite.

Cashews!

I am head over heals allergic to cashews.  Possibly all tree nuts for that matter.  I just found this out by eating a handful of cashews two days ago only to have massive stomach cramps, nausea, and a trip to the bathroom about an hour after ingesting them.

As an experiment, I did it again yesterday and the same thing happened.  The pain was severe, I almost threw up, but the relief that came after I let loose in the bathroom was incredible.  My stomach actually looks slimmer from the trauma I caused to my intestinal organs these past few days.

They don’t work as well as Thailand though (I’ll save that for my Thailand post).

Last month was a good month business-wise.  I managed to net $1000 after all my unwarranted purchases.  $1000 after paying my personal bills, going out, eBay and Amazon shopping….etc.

It feels good, but I still don’t have that “settled” feeling, you know?  It’s like I need to eat more cashews.

What I mean by eating more cashews is that I have to start eating into my debt.  It’s just as painful as eating cashews, but just as satisfying when it’s over and done with.  I feel lighter.

I finally finished my taxes during my three day hiatus.  I somehow made over $100,000 this year.  Where the hell did it go?  I calculated everything as accurately as I could on Turbo Tax and it said I made a net income of negative $10,000 or something.

When you’re negative, state law prohibits you from filing online and you have to do it old-school, by mail.  So I actually LIED on my tax return stating that I made more money than I actually did – just so I could e-file.

It’s not that I’m lazy……

So, according to my 2014 tax return, I made $2,000.  Unless there’s a loophole for buying a house, I don’t foresee it happening anytime soon.  And since I made over $100,000, I’m now targeted for audits which I’ll find hilarious if they do audit me only to find that I held back deductions.  Truthfully, they owe me money (something to do with rollbacks or roll forwards) but I’m not a tax savvy expert with elbow patches sewn into her blazer and know’s how to file old-school.

My incompetence costs $1000, the money I paid last year when I filed.  But what’s $1000 when you have $100,000?  Haha I’m an idiot.

Completely unconnected, I hired a big black man to work Sundays which made me proud of myself for not being a racist but I stopped by last night to put down a new carpet and checked the cash drawer only to find it skimpier than usual.  And where was the first place my mind went?  Can you guess?

So yeah, maybe I am a racist.  But I swear I can’t help it.  It’s like an autoimmune knee-jerk response.

No Mel, no.  Stop.  I have to consciously tell myself that.  But at the same time, I don’t want to white-wash over everything.  Lol, white-wash….White washing cracka is what I am.

So with my new sturdy man under my wing, Saturday is my only “full” day of work.  By “full” day I mean at least four clients.  It has taken me almost a year to get here and lord knows I’m tired.

I’m tired, but not settled.  There’s still work to do.  Pay down my debt and add micro-current facials to the menu.  If I had no debt, I’d be $2000 richer every month.

I better get some sleep.  I have two clients tomorrow.

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me, journal

Chirashi Sushi

“I’m majorly craving sushi today.  I’m famished!”

Rational Brain – “See if anyone wants Sushi House after work.”

“Yes!  Sushi House!  All you can eat you cannot beat!”

Rational Brain – “You can even offer to pay for everyone.  You had a really good month and should spread the joy.”

“Absolutely!”

I pick up my phone and ready myself to text.

Rational Brain – “But since you have the means to pay for someone else’s dinner, why don’t you just buy yourself two dinners and get take-out?  That way you can play your video game.”

“That sounds…..WONDERFUL!”

And that’s how I ordered and ate two chirashi sushi dinners.  Two soups & two salads also.  Why did I order two of the same meal you ask?  My email, chirashigirl at yahoo, is no accident.

I started wondering if maybe I might have a problem.  Not an eating problem, I still manage to stay trim somehow.  But a different kind of problem.

The best way to figure out if you have a problem is to see yourself from an outsiders perspective.  The outsiders perspective I chose was that of a parent – a mother.  “How would I feel if I had a daughter just like me?”

I went on an imaginary online forum for mothers complaining about their kids and wrote this:

Mom – “My daughter, Melanie, might have a problem.  She’s 35 years old, still lives with us, and she spends most of her time playing video games.  She has free time now that her business is doing so well, and she can spend days at a time in her pajama’s never leaving the house.  I’m worried about her isolation.”

Commenter – “Does she have any goals or hobbies?”

Mom – “She has too many goals if you ask me.  But once she sets her mind on something, she always follows through.  Right now she’s working on building up her client base so she can go cross-country on a motorcycle, take me and her father to Italy, and eventually buy a house.”

Commenter – “Does she seem like she’s happy playing video games and being in her pajama’s all day?”

Mom – “I’ve never seen her this happy.  That’s why I’m worried.  Is it normal?  She has no interest in getting married, having kids or even dating.”

Commenter – “Does she have friends?”

Mom – “I think so.  She wanted to go out to eat the other day with a friend but she got take-out instead.  Her reasoning was that she can get two dinners for herself instead of offering to pay for her friends meal.  And she gets to stay home in her pajama’s and play video games.”

Commenter – “So you’re telling me that your daughter is completely happy and content, has viable goals that she’s achieving, likes to travel, is self-sufficient, get’s to do NOTHING all day if she wants, and you’re worried why?”

Mom – “Um, okay never mind then.”

My only problem is that I’m selfish.  I wanted to address this issue by volunteering at a shelter or food place.  So I went on the website, Meals on Wheels, and discovered that one of the requirements to volunteer is that you have to be 55 or older.

I gave up and closed the lid of my laptop.

After writing my last post about casting the Patronus spell to get rid of dementors, I broke through into a bi-polar high.

If you can’t tell, I’m a little high on myself right now.  It’s subtle, but I assure you, it’s there.

It’s all about asking the right questions and to avoid at all costs, seeing no hope in any situation.

Whatever solution you may find yourself with will need one of two things:  Courage or faith.

If you have faith in a plan that can’t lose, you don’t need courage.  But if your faith is faulty, that’s when you’ll need courage.

And if you need courage, that often foretells that you’ll just have to plan more.  But this is where our evolutionary process occurs – by taking action using courage alone.  This is where we find choice – you find your power.

Rational Brain – “Why in the hell did you start writing a post like this at 1:30 in the morning?  You knew it was going to be a transfixed philosophical ramble that gives you insomnia!”

I had no idea I swear!  I was just going to write about my chirashi dinner episode because I thought it was funny.  Look, I even named this post after it!

Rational Brain – “Yeah right.  Anyway, take me through your thought process on this.  How does courage give you choice?”

You’ll have to use your emotional side of the brain for this because words can’t grasp what I’m about to say.  You’ll have to take a minute to feel it.

Rational Brain – “Ooooh-kay….how can I feel what you’re saying?”

Have you ever been so angry that you snapped?  A choice was made to hurt the person offending you.  You snapped and wanted that other person to feel the pain they caused you.  Have you ever felt that?

Rational Brain – “You know I have.  At least 3 or 4 times in my life.”

It’s like that, only non-violent.  When you make a choice that your heart is fused with, it’s undeniable action – you have to do something to avoid yourself further pain.  You start seeing your choice.  It’s like lifting the veil.  You feel your power, your own potential.  You take action without a plan because courage was thrust upon you.

Another way to help you emotionally connect with my words is that old saying “there is no try, only do.”  That saying always struck home for me personally.

Choice, in essence, IS action.  Taking action is the same as making a choice.  They are the same thing.  They happen simultaneously.  You can’t ask me to explain it, it’s one of those old truths that feels ruthlessly correct without explanation or rationalization.  It’s the same kind of truth ayahuasca taught me.

But this is where things get weird…..

Once the action has started, once it has moved, things start happening without your influence.  I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

My latest choice was to move out of my parents house as soon as humanly possible.  I was going to wait until I paid off my debt and saved a little for a down payment on a house, but I HAD to get out.  I was at the breaking point I mentioned earlier.

It’s all to do with my crazy aunt and OCD cousin who live with us.

There was a tremendous blow-out at my house a few days ago because my cousin was running the water…..again.  Our bathroom sink downstairs (where my boisterous temperamental brother and his girlfriend reside) clogged and as OCD cousin ran the water in the upstairs bathroom, it rose quickly up the drain and splashed onto the floor in our bathroom below him.

My brother was telling OCD cousin to stop running the water, but he wouldn’t stop.  If you knew my brother, this situation got ugly fast.  That’s to say the absolute least.  My bro was at his limit.

Basically without getting into too much detail, my aunt screamed that she was calling the cops – several times she screamed it but never called for fear it would be her son taken away.

OCD cousin…..OMG….OCD cousin, I’ve never heard a grown man squeal like that – literally squeal in a such an ear piercing manner like a child.  It sounded – no joke – like he had murderous rage.  I’ve never heard murderous rage from anybody before, but that was it.  Definitely it.

The only time I came out of my bedroom was to assess the damage done to our bathroom and help my dad and my brothers girlfriend clean it up.  I came out one other time to calm down my brothers girlfriend who was getting an onslaught of insults thrown at her from my crazy aunt.

Me – “Don’t respond to her.  You can’t reason with crazy and it’ll only make you crazy for trying.”

She was shaking with anger.

Me and my brother, and possibly my dad, know that OCD cousin is capable of evil things.  I say this as honestly as I can – the dude would kill us.  All of us.  Most likely in our sleep.

And we actually KNOW this!  For real for real!

My brother – “You better lock your door tonight.”

My brother and his girlfriend braved the snow storm and moved out that night.  That’s when I realized I needed to get out of dodge too.  My heart was set and I started looking at apartments.

Anyway, long story long, my crazy aunt and OCD cousin left here and my brother is back living with us again.

Crazy aunt and OCD cousin are staying with my Aunt Rosemary for the time being.  I don’t know how that happened, only that they are gone.

I’ve never been happier.  I mean, I’m falling off my rocker with joy!  Not only by them leaving, but my business had a REALLY good month.  I have four days left of February so I’ll write a post March 1st on how it did.

You must think I’m horrible for turning family away, so I’ll tell you two of my cousins latest freak-outs:  He made my 70 year old mother leave the house at night in the bitter cold to buy him lemonade, and he shit his pants and got his shitty pants all over the bathroom floor.  He didn’t even clean it up.

And that’s just TWO of his latest antics, before causing a landslide in our bathroom downstairs and squealing murderous rage at my brother.  Not to mention he can fill a swimming pool in one weekend with how much water he wastes.

Anyway, I stopped writing about them because I couldn’t find a solution to my problem (being them).  I don’t complain when there’s no solution.  And the reason why NONE of us should complain when there is no solution is because it’s your own damn fault.  It was my fault for living here.  But alas, the energy has moved, a choice made, and things started happening in my favor without my influence – without doing anything really, just deciding.

Them leaving is a better option than me having to move out.  I pay $1,000 a month towards my debt, it would never get paid if I moved out now.

Ayahuasca told me that there is always a choice.

Me – “How do I get to choose?”

Ayahuasca – “With faith.”

Me – “How do I get faith?”

Ayahuasca – “With courage.”

Me – “But how do I find the courage?”

Ayahuasca – “Through suffering.”

I’m sensitive to the extreme, I can be weak, easily hurt.  I don’t know how or why, but it’s my fragile nature and my weakness that makes me strong.  It’s like, I have something to live for, you know?  It’s hard to explain.  If I didn’t feel what I feel, I wouldn’t do what I do.

I still want to write about how asking questions is tied in with awareness, but it’s too late for that.

Rational Brain – “Another night perhaps.”

Yes, another night.

I still need to write about Thailand…

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, My OCD cousin who wants to kill me, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

How to get out of a dump funk

Whenever I ask myself a question, it’s as though no other thoughts infiltrate my head other than the probable answers.  My focal point is set and all else falls away.

Rational Brain – “And what question is on your mind tonight might I ask?”

No questions.  I’m just mulling this fact over in my head.  I mean, one question and nothing else seems to matter except for that one question.

I had a bipolar day today.  I can’t remember my last bipolar episode before today.  I’d forgotten what they feel like.

It feels like someone sits on my chest making it impossible for me to breathe.  I feel listless, without happiness.  Like a Harry Potter dementor came to pay me a visit.  It’s quite literally a physical sensation.  Only one who experienced deep sadness can tell you about it.  Your heart physically aches.  How was I able to forget that?

All because of my impending birthday coming up on stupid Valentines day.  I remembered it’s this coming Saturday.  Last night I remembered and last night was when it started – the polar shift in my icecaps.  I woke up today with a big fatty of a dementor hanging over my head, washing away all the nice dreams I had.

Then I started worrying about my business and how I’ll never make any money with it.  All my thoughts were void of question.  My thoughts were inarguable statements without choice.

That’s what dementors do.  They rob you of your questions.  Without questions, you lose your focal point, your purpose.  And something else takes the reins – fear.

It’s so odd coming to this realization.  It’s particularly odd for me since I don’t like to complain about anything until I find a solution first.  First a solution, than I can complain all I want about the thing that once made my life hell.  I complain with a light heart – one that I’m fully in control of.  But I slip up at times and unwittingly complain in my internal grumblings.

My friend told me the other day that I’m the most emotionally stable person she knows.

It baffles me because if I’m so emotionally stable, then why am I still up at 5:30 in the morning unable to sleep?  Writing about dementors and how I feel like I have a man sitting on my chest?

If I’m considered stable, I don’t want to know what other people think about.  It’s also kind of funny how nobody really know’s anyone.

I’m up because I’m excited about my new discovery that asking the right question is like casting the most powerful patronus charm against all dementors.  I had to look up patronus charm and Google miraculously knew my question before it was asked.

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 5.19.17 AM

That’s crazy.

Here’s a question for you…..are we more apt to be sad in these futuristic times when answers are given to us before we can type them into a search engine?  Since answers are ample on the net, forums and blogs abound, are we less inclined to seek out a more personal take on things?

In other words, do we stop asking questions because the answers are already there for us?  We only have to open a book, or more conveniently, a laptop.

We are taught from baby-hood to listen to those who know better – and those people who know better just so happen to be anyone that’s older than us.  We’re inclined to listen more than we’re inclined to think.  It’s what we’re taught.  Lucky for me, thanks to my mother, I learned how to NOT listen to adults.

My mom is crazy and I knew from an insanely young age that I had a better gauge on reality than she did.  I owe everything to my mother, but that’s a different story.

What was I saying?  Ah yes.  According to my new insight, if we stop asking questions, the dementors will come find us.  We lose our power and source of awareness.  Awareness is found by asking questions.

Rational Brain – “That sounds insightful, can you spread your words on that?”

Okay but I won’t get too deep into it.  I’m tired.

Shit no, I can’t explain it without getting deep into it.  It’ll have to wait.  Damn the thoughts are flowing.  Damn you rational brain.

It’ll wait.  Another night.

Anywho, in other news….

I’m looking to hire another therapist to work weekends.  I can’t hack it anymore.

Another reason for my malcontent earlier today was because I had to work.  It’s Wednesday, so I only had to massage clients who requested me, but even still – it brought me down.  The moment I was done massaging them, I brightened up and the shroud lifted.

So, my impending birthday wasn’t the only weight on my chest – it was the weight of work that sent me over.

When I worked at Massage Envy, I hated it don’t get me wrong, but I buckled down and did it because I didn’t think I had a choice.  But now that I’ve grown so much and am able to finally see that I do have a choice, the dread becomes more vehement in a way.  More angry, more rebellious.  Like a teenager with a curfew who just got her drivers license.

“I don’t have to do this anymore.” Is your new focal point.  And the fact that you’re still doing it, only entices your wrath against it.  And when left without asking questions that mindfully set your focal point, can lead you to a polar shift of malcontent.

Don’t ask “Why am I still doing this?”  ask instead, “How can I stop doing this?”

Holy crap I just deleted a whole bunch of shit I just wrote.  It was work rambles.

The endings to my posts often suck the shit out of everything preceding it.

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

Me and my Rational Brain Debate. Todays Topic: Why There’s Vulva Eating in the Animal Kingdom

I’m watching the first episode of PeeWee’s Playhouse on Netflix just like any baby from the 80’s would do.

I worked for two hours today and now I’m delightfully enjoying my newly acquainted freedom.

Oh shit, Morpheus from the Matrix is playing a goofy cowboy and some animated fish just called a fat lady a whale.  The 80’s were wack.  They were wiggidy wiggidy wiggidy wack.

Melalecki high mecca high knee ho, wack.

PEEWEEPLAYHOUSE

———————-

I lost something very special to me a few days ago.  It was an epic blog post.

The above predilection of PeeWee’s Playhouse was all that I could salvage, and it’s the least epic part of the post.

It was a legendary debate between myself and my rational brain.  A superb, unequaled piece of art.  A post like that is hard to come by, at least on here it is, Melanie’s life online.

I almost decided never to write again.  Like losing a love that can not be replaced.  I can love no more.

But if you gave an immortal chimp a typewriter and told him to aimlessly punch the keys for infinity, it’s statistically proven that he’ll eventually write Hamlet word for word by random chance.

There’s many a possibility found in the great mystery.  You only need to find the right typewriter and by random chance, the words will come and eventually you’ll rip the horn off the unicorn to place it on your mantle.  Something that adds definition to your shining light.

You know that old saying, “if you want to be a good cook, you have to learn how to taste”?

No, of course you haven’t.  You haven’t heard of it because I just thought of it now.  But it sounds like it’s an old saying, right?

Know your secret spices, your ingredients.  You can’t be afraid of tasting just because you tasted something bad.  In this case, a lost blog post.

Too scared I’ll lose another and too tired of rewriting more of the same.  My taste buds become uninspired and acquiesce to the bland, safer flavors.

But man, I really miss that post….

It’s 10am on a blistery cold snowy day in February.

Here in New England, Connecticut to be precise, the temperature will rise next month by 10 degree’s.  In April they will rise again by another 10 degree’s.  It will keep rising by 10 degree’s until September when it starts going down by 10.  And it keeps going down by 10 until March.  Mathematicians who like symmetry would love living here.

One more month….

Brianna, my travel buddy, told me that female pigs can’t be placed in a pen together because the alpha female will eat the vulva’s of the other pigs.  I mean, they’d literally eat them – take a big bite out of them.  It made me sick to my stomach thinking about it.  The idea of it got me hating pigs.  They’re disgusting, vile creatures.

USDA_ARS_Meishan_pig-Cropped

I told my parents about these nasty pigs over our exquisite Chinese buffet dinner and my dad told me that it’s not just pigs that do it, it’s a common occurrence in the animal kingdom.

My heart sank because according to my understanding that all pigs are vile, evil creatures, this means that ALL animals must be vile, evil creatures.  But this belief conflicts with my love of animals.  I can’t believe both at the same time.  Cripes, I even think the pigs pictured above are adorable.

“Maybe not all are vile….”  I thought to myself.

It’s just like it is with people.  Some are crazy, while others, not so much.

I have no interest in tearing a person down for personal gain, but I lived through and experienced what it’s like.  If you take down a threat, you’re awarded with power.  You feel distinguished by it.  And if you’re cunning enough, you can win over the hearts of others because of it.  This is why women gossip.  It’s another ploy at eating vulva’s.

I never thought of anybody as a threat.  That’s the thing.  There’s no need for me to eat vulva’s.  Just as it is with my natural inclination towards loving animals, I have a stubborn natural inclination to love myself.

Rational Brain – “How does loving yourself have anything to do with eating vulva’s?”

I don’t know, it just does.  I feel it’s correct, okay?

Rational Brain – “Don’t be lazy, think.  This is why I debate with you after-all.”

Okay okay, I’ll refer back to my ayahuasca teachings.  Give me a sec….

Rational Brain – “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s about faith.  The one true most purest love you can have is synonymous with faith.

Rational Brain – “This sounds awfully familiar to me but please, go on.”

You rise above fear.  When there is no fear, there are no threats and when you don’t consider something a threat, compassion is born into the equation.  You lose your appetite for vulva’s.

Rational Brain – “Repeat it one more time only leaving out all your self-righteous bullshit.”

I know, I hate the way that bullshit sounds too.  I sound transfixed and crazy.  Okay, how’s this….

– By loving yourself, you eliminate your own demons, you eliminate eating your own vulva.

Rational Brain – “How though?  I need specifics.  Connect the freaking dots.  Not to mention how crazy that sounds!”

Give me a minute and I’ll tie it together.  This is a process, okay?  It ain’t easy.

Rational Brain – “What ev’s..”

We are naturally inclined towards survival, right?  Survival means adapting to something that ensure’s our own safety.  This is how we learn fear.  People who don’t venture out or follow their hearts, avoid people or things they consider a “threat”, they are in the end, eating their own vulva (or other people’s vulva’s as long as they’re cunning and manipulative enough).  They have fear and where there is fear, there is no faith in yourself.  You like things done a certain way in order to control this fear.  To do anything outside of your comfort level, brings about the obvious “discomfort”.  The more you like things done a certain way, the more fear you have.  You never leave your box and end up gaining power through judging others because you have none of your own.

Rational Brain – “That’s all well and good but how does loving yourself change all that?”

Because love is faith!

Rational Brain – “But how is it faith?!  We’re back at the beginning!”

Arg…When you love yourself in the purest form that ayahuasca described (we’re not spiritually evolved enough to understand this love, keep that in mind), you rise.  You rise light as a feather.  It’s like falling in love.

In my post that was sadly taken away from me, I wrote about what makes people fall in love.

Rational Brain – “I remember that.  It made my synapses bleed girly menstrual blood.”

Um, graphic much?….but anyway, in short, people fall in love because they get inspired.  And inspiration comes from asking the questions “why?” or “how?”

“How do they do that?”  “What made them that way?” or, “How can I do that too?”

The things that don’t belong anywhere in your current understanding, are what’s appealing.  Anything that makes you curious is considered fascinating and/or beautiful.

Like a daisy growing out of concrete, or a purple pebble amidst a sea of grey ones.  Anything outside your current level of experience (understanding), and you wish to learn more about it – are the things you fall in love with.

When you love yourself in the pure form, you find yourself being the daisy, or the purple rock.  Curious, full of mystery and potential too.

When we are interested in a person, they most often come off as mysterious.  And what that mystery really is, is potential.  In a way, it’s your potential.

Basically, when you love yourself, you fall in love with your own potential.  Your own imagination.  Having a muse in your life awakens your own self-love.

Most artists are wrongly accused of egocentricity and narcissism, while in fact the people making those allegations are only vulva eaters themselves.  Stealing power they didn’t earn.  The artist can drown in a sea of grey rocks while vying to better the world.

The contemplators in my head a few days ago were arguing back and forth about this world being built solely by our imaginations.  Imagination creates everything we see and nature provides the fruits of our labor to see it through.

If imagination is Godly, and I somehow linked imagination with the purest form of love (which is said to be God), than perhaps I’m on to something?

We love the people we want to get to know better.  If we love ourselves, we want to get to know ourselves better.  And the people we love inspires our own potential for growth.  Love breeds more love until it stagnates into fear.  Fear breeds more fear.

This is why I write.  I love myself in the purest form and I want to know myself better.  I consider myself that lonely purple rock amidst a sea of grey ones.  I want to stretch my potential and achieve my goals, I want to create.  And by creating, I influence and evolve the world – our sole reason for us being here is to evolve according to ayahuasca.

diamondintherough

Rational Brain – “Did you forget that out of the billions of people inhabiting this world, only 2 actually read your blog?”

Shut up that’s not the point.  Maybe I can influence them in other ways.

Rational Brain – “Only insecure people boast about themselves.”

I’m not boasting, I’m explaining.  It just sounds like boasting is all.

But because I feel this way about myself, I’m not afraid of a grey rock eating away at my vulva – it’s an impossibility.  And staying in my comfort zone, eating my own vulva for survival purposes, is not an issue.  That’s just gross people, come on.

Rational Brain – “Damn girl….”

If you scroll up to where I first mentioned vulva eating, I was going to talk about an entirely different topic.

Rational Brain – “What topic was that?”

Hold on and let me make sure this previous topic is closed.  I want to make sure I can clearly understand what I’m talking about.  Hold up.

Oh shit, I changed.

Rational Brain – “Waddya mean you changed?”

I changed over the years.  I didn’t have as much faith in myself as I do now.  I was on the same level as the grey rocks for a while.

I lived in fear because I was living in my comfort zone for far too long.  I was eating my own vulva – don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t always like that.  When I was 18 I tried out a plethora of jobs and applied myself.  I was young and well aware of my potential.  But as I got older and nothing changed, I slowly sank down to be with the grey rocks.  Aging makes you scared.  Scared of losing life, losing time.  You slip into your comfort zone (survival mode), and lose your love (curiosity, potential).  You escape by keeping yourself busy, or inebriated.  Usually both.  Clinging to those stronger than you but never coming to fruition yourself.  Being enabled.

I only started to rise again once I hit bottom.  Oddly enough, it helped that I didn’t have a stronger person to cling to that would enable me.

Rational Brain – “Kind of like the temperature rising and falling.”

Huh?

Rational Brain – “With you hitting rock bottom and then rising up again.  It’s like New England’s monthly temp’s.”

Yeah…..

Rational Brain – “I really hope you’re not bi-polar.”

Well if I am, I’m loving it.

I don’t know if any person reading this will understand any of it, but while you’re trying to comprehend it all, I’m laying here in bed and it feels like I’m stepping back to take in the view of what I’ve drawn after connecting all the dots.

It’s 11:16.  It taken me a little over an hour to write all that.  An immortal chimp clacking away at random keys is not needed.  I’ve found my own decent “Hamlet”.

Rational Brain – “So what was your original intention for mentioning the vulva eating pigs?”

Hold on, I haven’t read everything I’ve written yet.  Give me a sec.  There may be more on this topic.

Grey rocks are sociopaths.

Rational Brain – “Say what?”

If you’re living in fear as a grey rock, you become a narcissistic sociopath.  When I was working at Massage Envy, I started seeing this in myself and so I wrote about it and tried making a joke of it.

You can only understand the things you’ve experienced, so I’m thankful that I was a grey rock.  Understanding helps facilitate compassion.  Once you understand something, you no longer fear it.  And you can change your colors back to purple, or blue, or whatever your favorite color is.  A diamond perhaps?

Totally off topic, but I consulted the I-Ching asking it who I am and it said (exact quote) “Once I learn fear, I am safe from terror by outside influences.”

I-Ching is furrealz yo.  I believe in it 100%.  So much so that it freaks me out.

Damn, my client still wants to come in for his massage at 3:00.  I just emailed him NO.

Okay so anyway, my original intention for bringing up vulva eating pigs was to tell you about a dream I had last night, or this morning rather.

I dreamt a huge pig – the biggest fattest pig I’ve ever seen was chasing after me.  I thought it was one of those vulva eating pigs so I was terrified, naturally.  But when the pig caught up to me, he put my whole head in its mouth.  I was waiting for him to bite down, but he didn’t.  He slobbered all over my head before letting me go and nonchalantly walked away.  Everyone told me that it was the pig’s way of saying he liked me.

So anyway, back in my bathroom in real life, I went to my trusty dream dictionary authored by the great all-knowing Migene González-Wippler and looked up what it meant to dream of a pig.

Huge success in business is what it means.  HUGE gains.

I’m interviewing two independent contractors tomorrow for at-home massage visits.  I lose no money by hiring them and if it works out, it will be fair and lucrative for us both.

I have a free mini-micro current facial on Wednesday at 9am.  The woman who does them is insanely busy with clients and all she does is micro-current facials.  It’s inspiring me to want to add them to the menu at work, ergo, I’m falling in love with it’s potential.  Inspired for growth!

I received a coupon for a free micro-current facial during an open house at a yoga studio I attended a few months back.

And so I’m going on Wednesday to see what they’re like and to snoop around to see how she has everything set up.  Does she wear gloves?  Do I need a bright light to put in people’s faces like with dentists?  What brand of equipment does she use?

So much to do in 15 minutes…..

After I get a general idea of what I need, I’m going to set up my room similar to how she’s got it and post a job for an esthetician who has a micro-current facial certificate.  If they’re not certified, I’ll pay half of their tuition for the two day course as long as they’re willing to work at least 20 hours a week.  The total cost of the course is $450.  They get $17 an hour when they have a client and $10 for when they don’t.

I have to hold off on getting my machine because if I have to send an esthetician to school to get trained, I’ll be approved for the student discount (I already called and asked) and the $4,000 that the machine costs will be slightly less.

So it’s a wash for me if the esthetician is trained or not, either way I’ll save money.  I’ll save money on the machine with the student discount and if they’re already trained, I’ll save money by not needing to train them.

I’m not waiting a couple months until I save enough money.  I’m doing it all now.  The money will come.

In the meantime, my finances are in the red zone.  At least for three days they are.  The total amount of money in the bank is a meager $5,633.  But that’s after I paid rent, and before I bulk charged my member clients.  I’m also receiving a check for over $400 from the Record Journal, Groupon is sending me $3000 on the 20th for tripling the amount of groupons I sell, I’m still making a steady $100 a day with random services and gift certs as long as snow doesn’t screw things up.  This time next month I’ll be in good shape, at least, I won’t be negative than what I’ve started with this month.

Anyway, I think I’m done writing for today.  I’m worried about my client not responding to the email I sent him.  God I hope he doesn’t show up.

My brothers spa is closed today and he’s watching scary movies with his girlfriend on the couch.  I don’t feel bad not going in because if other places are closed, I’m closed too.

And now I shall retire for the rest of the day and play….DUN dun DUN;  South Park, the stick of truth.  It’s hilarious.  I’m sad to say that I’d rather stay in playing video games than go outside and take a fun refreshing ride on the snow mobile.  Kids today…..80’s babies are wiggedy wack.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Strange & Unusual, Uncategorized

In The Beginning..

There was a thawed expression.

My ice aged face softening into transcendental awe.

In the beginning, there was an idea.

Back in Thailand, the whole time I was there, I was inspired.  36 days of non-stop inspiration.  On the last day I learned the importance of action.

To throw down your saturated towel that holds all your restraints, all your inhibitions.  It’s useless here.  It’s purpose of wrapping you up in security and comfort is useless when you realize it’s doing the complete opposite.  It’s not a security blanket, it’s an asylum.  It’s practicing the art of insanity by doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  The towel is a cloak of confinement.  Hell is paved with good intentions.

“Throw in the towel and fuck it.  Just do it.  Just friggin’ DO it Mel.”

This is my tenth day back after being in Thailand and I’m doing it.  I organized a plan since my last post.

My goal in life is to make money without having to work.  And to also own a house without having to pay for it.

If I take care of my first goal, the second will naturally follow.

I hired a woman to do Reiki on Sundays and since she does administrative work, I told her she’ll have to do my payroll too.

That’s one less job for me.

I moan and groan having to pick up sheets and pay $1 a pound….

My employee yesterday told me her mom will pick up and drop them off folded and smelling nice for $500 a month.

That’s another job I won’t have to worry about.  Not to mention it’ll save me over $200 a month.

I have two therapists working at all times during the week, leaving me just the weekends when I have to be there.  I have to work weekends until my new therapist quits Massage Envy and takes my weekend shifts.

I’m so close to being “by request only” – so close.  I’m so close to making money without having to work AT ALL.

I consulted the I-Ching and asked if I should rent the two empty rooms upstairs.  It told me, quite literally, to not invest in anything big right now because there are dangers in doing so – it literally said that!

So then what?  What do I do if action is needed but I don’t know what I can do differently?  To keep me out of the cloak of confinement?  In other words, how can I make more money without having to invest a ton?

I added four-handed massages to the menu.  Three people are already booked for them.  Later today I’m going to post a job for an independent contractor that will do at-home massage visits for $50 a pop.  The client books online and pays half when they book, then pays the other half later.  When they pay the other half later, that money goes straight in the hands of the independent contractor.  She keeps it.  I won’t ever have to see her, she’ll never have to come to the office.  She simply goes online to the booking software and handles everything.  And since the client has to pay half at the time of booking, there will be no sleazy perverted people because sleazy perv’s don’t like to pay in advance for fear of losing their money if the therapist walks out.  The perfect plan.

Money without having to work.

I’m tripling the amount of Groupons I sell for the months of February and March giving me an added $4000 to invest in my micro-current facial equipment.  The three massage rooms I have now are large enough to accommodate a facial chair so I won’t need to rent the upstairs rooms for that.

My deadline for success is June.  If I’m successful by June, I can buy my motorcycle and take my epic cross-country journey.  I’ll be home by September to possibly take my parents to Italy, depending on if my brother can make it by then.  We’re all going together, but it’s me that has to juice the wheels to make it happen.  By “Juice” I mean money.

The crazy thing is, none of this is unfathomable.  That’s what blows my mind!  I can actually achieve this!

In the meantime, this is the first day I been back where I can actually enjoy my bed.  I was tired.  Epically tired.  But I can’t enjoy it for long since I have to do payroll, go to the office to fax the payroll, and then do taxes.  I have time this week to get started on them now that I have two therapists working at all times.

I’ll post video’s of my trip to Thailand as soon as my taxes are completed.

Right now I’m a ripped up forgotten tarp shooting to become the Ritz.  No different from anybody.

I just gotta unfreeze, unconfined, and follow-thru.  I’ll be “rich” by next year.

2 Comments

Filed under journal

Reality Check

Nope I’m not rich.  I was way off.  How off was I?  If rich is the Ritz Carlton, then I am a tarp.  Not even a nice tarp.  A soggy ripped tarp that’s been left behind by a homeless man who found a better tarp.

I was at a five star hotel last week ordering room service with over $15,000 in the bank – not a care in the world.  This week I’m eating mom’s leftovers and I’m down to having $8,000 in the bank.  Where did it go?  No, seriously.  Where the hell did $7,000 go?

Bills and taxes.  And my employee’s got paid three times in December as opposed to their usual two.

I’m once again at an impasse with my business.  I’m at an impasse financially but I NEED to rent the two empty rooms upstairs so I can add ashiatsu massage.  I need a reason for clients to stay members with us – I HAVE to add more options.  But it will cost thousands of dollars to do this.

I don’t know what to do.  I can wait two weeks until I bulk charge my membership clients (I charge them on the first day of every month) and see where that leaves me, or I can wait a few months until it feels safe enough to splurge.  But if I wait a few months, my members might start dwindling in numbers and I’ll never get ahead if that happens.  I’ll always break even, or worse.  Keeping members should be my priority.

Shit shit shit.

In the meantime, I got back from Thailand the day before last and I’ve been working non-stop since.  Not only that, but people want to see me.  My friends want to see me but I’m so damn exhausted that literally I can go a full 6-months in solitude without getting lonely – at least 6 months. I have so much shit to do.  I have to do my friggin’ taxes….

My favorite place, my one favorite place that I missed the most while I was away was my bed.  I want to lay in it.  I want to nap as much as a person can possibly nap and then wake up and draw a picture, then nap some more only to wake up and write an epic blog post, then eat, then sleep, and wake up as late as I want and I’ll do the same thing I did the day before only with hiking thrown in there somewhere.  I really need to exercise.

But I have all this other stuff.  Too much of it.  I can never get married, never have kids – never have so much as a boyfriend with my attitude.  It’s unfathomable.

If our actions define who we are, then what does it mean when my actions consists of shit?  Where does the shit end and I begin?  Or am I merely a shit person with shit stuff to do?  Shit actions.

My friend is calling me.  She’s been at it since I got back.  Enticing me with beer so I’d come over.  I need another vacation.  I have three more people to massage today.  NOOOOO!

I need to hire another therapist.  I need to not massage anymore.

I’m skyping Brianna, my travel buddy, at 3 o’clock today.  She misses me.  But I’m afraid she’s going to start talking about plans for our next adventure and at this point, it feels like it’ll be years until I have that opportunity again.

I just want it to be over.  Building up my business I mean.  I want it to be stable, to have it’s five massage rooms, 8 therapists (not including myself) and one esthetician, ashiatsu and micro current facials.  One receptionist who manages the place while I’m not there.  Once I have all that, I’ll be free.  Then I’ll really be rich.

I’m happy with my false alarm however.  It was a little window into what it feels like to have money.  And it made me realize that money is not evil, it’s the opposite of evil.  You can’t help people and you can’t help yourself without it.  You’ll never feel settled and you’ll always have the fear associated with bad moods and depression.

Money makes you transcend all that.  Oh and to lay in bed…..OMG to lay in bed!  Have you ever laid in bed without any cares?  It’s like a hot shower after having a month of cold ones.

I know I’m childish, but having my bed right here and not being able to lay in it is like Christmas day watching all your cousins play with your new toys while you patiently wait until they leave so you can have them all to yourself.

I need to get my uniform back on and Skype Brianna before work.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, rant