June 1st is when it’s at

I’m going to hang up my holster and retire from massage starting June 1st.

I can’t do it anymore.  I’ve never been more miserable than I am now.  It never stops.  They just keep booking and booking with me.

For the next two or three weeks I’m booked with clients.  I’m extremely annoyed, frustrated, tired, not to mention broke after spending over $6000 these past two weeks on facial supplies and quarterly taxes.

My esthetician starts work on Monday.  I’m putting her on the schedule, have her fill out paperwork, organize the facial room and go over protocols with her – I have lots to do on Monday, three days from now.

Once my facials are set up and in the system, I’ll promote the membership deal and I have no choice but to rent the two empty rooms upstairs and convert them into treatment rooms.

Which means, I have a shit ton of shit to do…..again.  There’s always a shit ton of shit.

I’ll be having to go to Ikea at least a good 10 to 15 times before getting all the furniture I need for the new rooms.  Then buying the massage tables, stereo systems, more lotion, more sheets…more money out the window.

At least I’m figuring out that the more therapists I have working, the more money I’m likely to make.  This is a HUGE realization, and probably the best news a business owner can hope for.  However, I can’t hire anymore therapists until I rent the rooms upstairs.

I need at least one more therapist.  Just one more and I’ll be free.  Of course I say that every time I hire a new person and it never free’s me.  This time will be different.

I have two therapists waiting for me to hire them – two that are pretty, experienced, and smart!

I hate waiting.

And on top of everything, I still have to give massages.  My frustration is obscene right now.  Ob-freaking-scene.

One of my therapists is on vacation this week.  That’s why I’m more angry than usual.  I’ve been massaging a hell of a lot more than my normal amount.

My brother isn’t speaking to me anymore.  He’s upset that I’m offering facials and he’s scared that I’ll take business away from him.

First of all, his girlfriend is the one who bought the spa near mine and when they split up, he bought her out.  He bought her out even though he knew my business was next to his.

Screw that shit.  I’m not apologizing for anything.  He’s threatening to take down my business – real threats too, not just stupid talk, but hateful comments.  Things you wouldn’t expect to hear from someone who supposedly loves me.

He says that I don’t work hard, that I’m low-balling the massage industry and bringing down its value.  All because I offer memberships.

I’m not only hated by other massage therapists, but now my own brother hates me.

I’ve seen the future of the massage industry way back in massage school ever since learning about Massage Envy.  Massage Envy is the future of massage, we have to keep up with it or get out of the business.

And because I’m keeping up with it, I’m the enemy.

I have too much on my plate to care about anything small.  Petty people, insincere people, spiteful, jealous, insecure – they all piss me off.

Gossip and rumors – who the fuck cares!?  You know?

He’s home.  My brother just got home.  I have to go back to work.

June 1st is my deadline.  June 1st is when I’ll be free of it.

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Stomach cramps to the extreme, enrolling in Husky, and trying to sue a woman for slander all in today’s post

10 years ago I got really sick and sent to the ER for eating an entire loaf of beer battered bread drenched in french onion dip dressing made by the company Tastefully Simple.

You see, I attended a Tastefully Simple party one evening while I was famished and I ate small sample’s of their beer battered bread dipped in french onion dip and loved it so much (because everything tastes amazing when you’re hungry), that I went on ahead and ordered some to make for myself and well, I’m a child when it comes to it.  I can’t feed myself properly.

Anyway, I ended up at the ER with a lousy doctor having no bedside manner telling me I can end up with a colostomy bag and my intestines partially removed.  She said I should get biopsied to see if anything’s cancerous because apparently my insides are a mess.

Well, none of that happened.  I never got a biopsy and never had any part of my intestines removed.  I did however, get a bill for over $2000 which taken me stacks of time and paperwork to finagle myself out of paying it.

Long story long, a few days ago my tummy started up again with the incessant cramping, extreme fatigue, muscle aches and nausea.  It feels like menstrual cramps, but they’re not.

And so like the responsible adult that I am, I called up my landlord whining to him like a baby and asked him to sign me up to Husky because I don’t know how to do it myself and I might die if I wait any longer or worse, have my intestines removed and have to defecate into a bag around my leg.

My landlord helps people sign up for health coverage, it’s one of his many little services he offers.  But there was a bit of transference happening, I ain’t gonna lie.  The guy cares about me and has a ton of experience dealing with sick people.  He was very fatherly to me over the phone and I LOVE when people do that.  Because, well, I am a child.

And so now I’m a proud member of Husky healthcare.  The insurance for poor people which covers EVERYTHING.  They can provide me with food stamps and cell phone coverage if I deem it necessary (which I don’t).

My landlord said that I have to take advantage of it now before I start making money next year because Obamacare is way worse than Husky with their high deductibles and selected doctors.

I laid in bed for most of the day with frozen tater tots on my belly.  I’m going to hold off on seeing a doctor until it’s absolutely necessary simply because, well, shit man I don’t want to get biopsied for cancer.  Can you imagine waiting for those results?  Not for me, no thanks.

But I’m going to look into getting my wisdom teeth removed so they stop f*cking up my mouth and have my eyes checked especially for night blindness.

In other news, Sara Evil, the crazy woman who wrote that nasty review about me, sent me an irate email about how I cancelled her appointments yesterday without her consent.

One of my therapists wrote her an email confirmation explaining that since she was a “no show” for her previous appointment, can she please respond back to confirm it this time.

Then I read the review she left and so logically I had to cancel her – screw that shit.  But I knew in the back of my mind that no matter what I did, she was going to screw us over.  Either by not showing up, or complaining that her appointments got cancelled and guess what?  I was right.

When we cancel a client, they get an automatic email notification saying that their massage been cancelled.

Here’s what she wrote:

I cannot believe you cancelled my appointments because I didn’t confirm with you. You didn’t even give me time to respond. I didn’t get to check my email until 3pm, which by that time I got the cancellation notice. What kind of business do you run? This is ridiculous. I had booked those massages for my husband and I for our anniversary, and was surprising him. So, thanks to you, it was all ruined! I never booked the massage in which you claim I no showed, so I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I had booked a massage, I would surely show up. What is the number you have on file for me?

We have what’s called a “four-handed massage.”  It’s when a client gets massaged by two therapists at the same time.  Well, she booked two of them after having written that nasty review about us.

I tactfully responded with:

Whoa there, settle down. We were all there and you still could’ve came in for your massage but we didn’t hear anything back from you. Have you ever been here before? It looks like you’ve never showed up for any massages you booked in the past.

Thanks,

Melanie

If she responds with, “no I never been there before”, than I can sue her for slander because her email address is tied in with her Yelp review claiming that she has been here before.  But unfortunately, she’s too smart for that and caught on to what I was doing so she never responded.  She’s probably busy making new aliases so she can write up even more false reviews and in which case, I’ll delete my Yelp account.

As far as my Groupons go, they started selling again today.  So even with her review, we’re still getting clients in here.  I sold 20 today and felt the cramping in my stomach subside and the black cloud removed from my heart.

So, whew, right?  Now I just have to worry about my health and honestly, I’m not even worried about that.

I’m back again at being my happy ol’ self.  It was all just another episode in my life, one of several dozen that usually never make it into my blog.  But I have time now.  I have time as long as it’s not a Friday or Sunday – the two days I’m still scheduled to work.

Deep breath Mel, it’s over.

Why does every goddamned thing I go through have to be so freaking gut wrenching?  Literally this time!?

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Melanie’s black cloud day

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Today was weird.  Completely and utterly weird.  And not just because my Mother wanted me to have Fed Ex trace down her package of baby wipes, I mean seriously?  Baby wipes?

My heart is sinking.  You know that feeling?  That feeling you get when a dementor pays you a visit?  It’s fear without hope.

Some woman is out to get me.  She wrote a nasty review on Yelp and said I was a terrible massage therapist (the worst she’s ever had) and she had to go to the hospital after her massage.  The hospital!

Okay, first thing you should know is that this woman was never at my business – I NEVER massaged her.  She said in her review that I offered to give her a spinal adjustment by walking on her back which I’ve never done in all the years I’ve been doing this.

When I get a bad review, I shrug it off.  But what I can’t shrug off is a blatant lie.  I have zero patience for liars.  I’m pissed.  Horribly horribly pissed.

Oh and that’s not all!  This woman keeps booking appointments with us and not showing up for them!  She goes under the alias of Sara E.  She’s never once been here.

I contacted Yelp, the place where she published her slander, and told them that it’s a fake review.

But as a result of her review, my Groupon sales plummeted.  I used to sell 40 Groupons a month which gave me a steady $1000 extra cash a month and now this month I only sold two.

And thus, I’m freaking out.

I woke up from a weird dream today.  I dreamt that some guy was spreading nasty rumors about me that weren’t true.  He was telling people I that I smoked cork, not crack, but cork – what we use to plug wine bottles with.

And yes, it makes no sense.

But I got on his ass and repeatedly asked why.  Why lie about me?  What did I do?

He ignored me and didn’t answer.  I was heated in the dream, but didn’t lose my cool.  My curiosity outweighed my anger.

That’s what’s driving me crazy about this whole thing.  Not knowing why.  Why me?  Why do this?

My employee’s today are the one’s who pointed it out to me.  They saw her on the schedule, knew she wasn’t going to show up, and then searched for her on Yelp where they found her review.  They said the E is for Evil.  Sara Evil.

My therapist – “She’s got it out for you.  This is personal.  Do you have any enemies?”

Me – “Um, sort of.”

What she’s doing is actually a felony.  Slander is a felony.  Unfortunately, the only lawyer we have in the family is a complete bitch.

It’s like, there’s always some kind of nasty hurdle I’m faced with.  This is the first one that’s really nasty though.

I had that dream before I read her review.  When I woke up today I was like, “Shit, I really hope that one doesn’t come true.”  Lo and behold….

I can’t believe the accuracy of my dreams.  I hate them.  I really do.  And I hate my emotional telepathy – being able to read someones thoughts just by feeling their emotions.  I hate it.  And I know you don’t believe me.

I normally don’t crave alcohol, but tonight I’m jonesin for a beer.

I have to get to work on casting the most powerful petronus spell yet.  I have a flurry of swag up my sleeve.  There’s always an answer to every problem.

And as shitty as today went, I swear I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling like my happy self again – I’m not just saying that either, I mean it.  Shit stuff always happens to me, but the next day I forget all about it and keep plugging along.

Oh god I hope I forget about this.  And I hope yelp takes down that false review.

Today felt like the “real” world everyone talks about.  “Welcome to the real world, Mel.  A place where people are rotten and life sucks.”

That’s not my normal world.

 

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Thailand

It’s been forever ago that I went, or at least it seems like forever ago.  I got back January 15th or so, and now it’s April 6th and I’m just now writing about it.

I didn’t keep a journal while I was there which is the one major reason why I didn’t write about it.

So anyway…..my trip to Thailand…..what’s there to say really?  It was awesome, a backpackers dreamland, and now I’m back home laying in my own bed safe and sound like it never happened.

The truth is, I still don’t feel much like writing about it.  So in lieu of writing, I’m going to post all the video’s I made while I was over there regardless of how drunk and ridiculous I sounded.

Here’s Day 1:  My arrival

I was EXHAUSTED, unwashed, a complete mess upon my arrival.  I felt like talking to someone so I rambled on like a fool.

Day 2:  The day before Brianna arrived.

I was left to my own devices and wanted to test my navigational skills by making my way around Bangkok all by my lonesome.

Day ?:

As soon as my travel buddy arrived, I no longer made video’s everyday because it’s embarrassing to do it in front of people.  But here’s a video I made when I was extremely drunk and ranting about a girl who was giving me a hard time for being American.

I remember this night and it was not half as bad as I made it out to be.  It was fun in fact and I wasn’t even all that upset.  I even made friends with the girl by the end of the night because I’m pretty damn charming when I want to be.  Brianna was more upset than I was.

Day ?:  Going to Cambodia

Me and Brianna were on our way to a meditation retreat in far off lands away from the tourists and temples and found ourselves lost in a small town having no idea how to get to the meditation retreat.  She showed me the directions the monk gave her and they were nearly indecipherable as to how we should get there.  So we winged it in hopes we’d get lucky.  But we found no luck and we both decided to go to Cambodia instead.

Last leg of my trip:  Stuck in China

Here I messed up on my plane ticket home.  I didn’t realize I booked myself a flight home that had over a 24 hour layover.

The China airport were saints at handling this by giving me a free hotel room with the shuttle included.  I can’t stress this enough – they were saints!  And this is how I met my new best friend from Alaska, Amanda.

She messed up on her flight too.  We spent most of the night together, and then the next day too.  We walked around the industrial town we were stuck in before shuttling off to the airport together.  At the airport we chatted the entire time.  It wasn’t just us though, there were others in our group who also messed up their flights.  We all ate together and been bored together.

It was the perfect ending to a perfect trip.  It was perfect because it showed me that I’m NEVER alone.  Not only am I never alone, but I meet best-friend quality people wherever I go.  Everywhere Brianna and I went, we met people to hang with.  And even me, by myself, I met people too.

Everything about it was a beautiful experience from head to toe.

For my next trip, I HAVE to take more video’s.  I have to.  Or I at least have to keep a travel journal on the days I don’t make a video.

It’s just that I have this immense desire to document everything.

This desire dates back from before I was able to write.  Before I started kindergarten, I found the cutest little journal with a lock and key and before I could spell my own name, I opened it up and started scribbling.  I accidentally wrote my first word – my brother pointed it out to my parents and was flummoxed by it.

That was my first journal and I wish I wish I still had it.  You never forget your first.

I can’t hold off writing about my trips.  There’s so much I missed it’s ridiculous.

Getting high and swimming in the Mekong, having sex with a hot German on New Years (who still emails me), riding on a horribly bumpy bus for 14 hours while having travelers diarrhea (It’s the kind that you can’t hold in and it comes out of you like pee) – that could’ve been my most interesting post.  Eating scorpions, riding elephants, bamboo rafting, camping outside by myself in the freezing cold and having to stoke the fire every few minutes just to keep warm……lol yes, good times.

Here’s an over-all video compilation of everything.  My iPhone at the time was only 16 bits and almost two years old so again, I had very limited video and photo space.  Having limited video capacity and no wifi was ultimately the reason why I didn’t take many video’s – I literally couldn’t.

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More business crap

I hired an esthetician, two in fact, to do micro-current facials.  One of them told me she will contact her teacher who know’s how to do them so they can get a hands-on training course before they start taking clients.

It’s now a week later and I have not heard back.  FIRED.

But I still have my other esthetician.  The one who’s type A and all fired up.  She rattled off a list of things we can offer to people.

So now I’ll be offering regular facials as well as micro-current facials.  A double whammy.

We’ll be offering Rhonda Allison’s signature Minus 10 facial.  It’s simple, it’s pure, and it’s effective.  I just bought a facial steamer with a mag lamp for $325.

For micro-current training, there’s a school in Southbury that has it but I have to call tomorrow because they’re closed today.  If that doesn’t work, she’ll have to take a course in NY that starts in May.

Either way, I’m getting things rolling.  Clients need more options to stay members with us and they need more reasons to join.

This is only the beginning.  Yes, only the beginning.

And I feel more at ease with only one esthetician.  If I need more, I can easily get more.  But the one I found is truly exceptional.  She gets me pumped and excited.

I feel like I’m retaking my business.  It all started by cutting Laurie’s shifts down to one day a week.

Laurie possesses ALL of my worst qualities. Nervousness, shyness, inferiority, low confidence, incompetence, inability to speak – she has them all. It’s like looking at myself when I hit puberty. But she’s 37 years old!

I hired her on a whim when I was desperate. My other therapist cut her hours a week before my Thailand trip and I needed coverage asap.  I was forced into giving Laurie the benefit of the doubt.

She’s too scared to answer phones, she added two extra hours to her timesheet that she didn’t work, she wrote down a client whom she didn’t massage, she’s awkward around people and the other therapists make fun of her.

I can’t talk to or even look at her without seeing my own flaws – the most weakest, humiliating parts of me.

And so, I hired a new person and cut Laurie’s shifts down to one day a week.

Me – “I’m sorry Laurie, but Mollie does other things other than just giving massage.” Such as, answer phones and utilizing all of her brain functions.

Just because I’m an empath doesn’t make me a saint. If anything, being an empath actually exacerbates my intolerance.

We sold 10 memberships this month.  That’s the average amount we sell without marketing it.  But how many did we lose?  14.  We lost 14 members this month alone.

I have the tendency of slipping into the void of fear when thinking about it.  And wincing every time Laurie massages someone – makes my stress levels rise even more.

I’m glad I’m finally writing about it.  It’s important to document all of this.

But with my plan and my new esthetician, just imagine how many members we can keep!

I’m realizing that it’s not about how many memberships we sell, but how many members we can actually keep that’s important.

We were up to over 150 at one point but after weeding out the one’s with declined credit cards and haven’t been in for a while, we are now down to 135 active members.  At the beginning of the month it was 139.  The number is dropping.  Our lifeblood is dropping.

And my tolerance for giving massage is at it’s barest minimum.  I hate it that much.  So relying on my skills is no longer an option.  I can’t carry the weight.  All I need is one more therapist who’ll agree to work two stinking days a the week, Friday night and Sunday – the two days that I’m still on the schedule.

My employee’s are:

Holly, Crista, Adonis, Marlyn, Anthony, Kasey, Laurie and Molly.  And one esthetician, Sheila.  9 employee’s!  When I first made an outline of my business plan, according to the outline, I needed at least 10.  Just one more….

This can actually work.  No no, I know it will work.  It’s just that I’m terribly impatient.

Here are the 6 things that trigger my impatience:

1) Doing something I don’t want to do.

2) Waiting / relying on others when I’m unable to do it myself.

3) Cruelty and inequality.

4) People who lie.

5) People who think they’re better than everyone.

6) Bratty kids or grown-ups who don’t respect elders – even when that elder is an asshole.

1 and 2 are the one’s that pop up the most while owning a business.  But they don’t just pop up, I’ve been dealing with both triggers consecutively since opening up the place.

I’ve reached my limit.  I can’t wait any longer.

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Melanie freaks out on one cup of chai tea latte and concludes that cancer is necessary for evolution!

(Please note that the ending to this post is better than its beginning.  It get’s better the further you read.  Good luck!.)

Why?  Why does caffeine hate me?  I mean, it does give me the ability to read minds and all, which is cool, but I don’t like the forlorn doom effect it has on my psyche.

Chai tea contains 40mg of caffeine compared to the 120mg’s found in your average cup of Joe (which drives me down to crazy town).

The effects are almost instantaneous.  I take one sip and beads of sweat dapple my forehead.

Chai isn’t as bad as coffee, but I can hear it whispering and laughing at me in the distance.

Chai – “Ha ha look at her!  Is she freaking out?”

Chai #2 – “A little.  Let’s keep quiet.  Maybe she won’t notice us.”

I’m nuts.  Clearly nuts.

What amazes me, I mean truly amazes me, is how it messes with my whole thought process.  This is NOT me.  But if I’m not my thoughts or my actions, what am I?

Rational Brain – “We went over this – it’s your intentions, remember?”

Oh right….so confusing….I still don’t fully get it but I’ll save it for another post.

So anyway, to dig deeper into the mystery of why caffeine makes me crazy, I googled it and didn’t find a straight answer but what I did find was cytochrome (CYP1A2), the enzyme that breaks down and processes the caffeine molecule in the liver.  The liver!  Of course.  That makes sense.

It also synthesizes cholesterol which means I should get my levels checked.

But does this mean I have too much CYP1A2?  Or not enough?

Not enough (I think).

People who smoke have higher levels of CYP1A2 which means they can process drugs and caffeine easier than if they flat-out quit.  When they quit, the drugs they take (prescribed meds) can have adverse side-effects.

I’m sorry, am I boring you?  I don’t care!

Scattered notes I found across the net (to be patched together later by me):

  • CYP1A2 takes up about 15% of our liver.
  • Smoking (from the polycyclic hydrocarbons found in the smoke) and drinking caffeine increases CYP1A2 levels.
  • Smoking increases cholesterol.
  • Cabbages, cauliflower and broccoli are known to increase levels of CYP1A2.
  • Lower activity of CYP1A2 in South Asians appears to be due to cooking these vegetables in curries using ingredients such as cumin and turmeric, ingredients known to inhibit the enzyme.
  • South Asians have a very low cancer risk.
  • Alcohol induces CYP1A2
  • If you smoke, your body clears caffeine from your system faster than if you didn’t smoke.
  • If you drink coffee while on prescribed meds, the molecules in the coffee and in the meds compete for the CYP1A2 enzyme in order to break them down, therefore caffeine takes longer to clear from the body while taking meds (because less enzymes are available).
  • Caffeine has a powerful anti-depressant effect (unrelated but interesting).
  • Alcohol decreases the speed it takes to clear caffeine from your system because they both compete for CYP1A2.
  • CYP1A2 is responsible for the metabolism of estrogens.
  • Increased CYP1A2 function may be associated with increased risk of breast cancer.
  • Woman who smoke have lower levels of urinary estrogen.
  • Chinese woman with slow NAT2 and rapid CYP1A2 activity were at greater risk for lung cancer
  • Cooking meat over an open flame such as charbroiling produces heterocyclic amines (HCAs) and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs) found in cigarette smoke (the stuff that increases CYP1A2 levels).
  • Polycyclic hydrocarbons (HCA’s) are mutagenic, meaning, they can cause mutations in the DNA resulting in cancer.
  • HCA’s and PAH’s are formed when the fat and juice in the raw meat drips down into the open flame and that same flame is used to cook the meat.
  • Humans started evolving shortly after learning to cook meat by showing rapid growth in brain size and smaller jaws.
  • Cooked food contains more calories than raw food.
  • The more calories we consume, the more proficient our brain works.
  • Eating raw vegetables can decrease the risk of cancer.
  • It is possible (not 100% proven) that cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli reduce the risk of cancer depending on how long it takes the body to metabolize the protective isothiocyanate found in them.  Meaning, some people keep cancer fighting agents in their body longer than others.

(I got a little off topic.)

Scattered notes from personal thoughts / experience / assumptions:

  • I’m very responsive to aspirin and acetainophen (they last a long time in my system).
  • One beer makes me happy.
  • Caffeine gives me insomnia (it lasts a long time).
  • Maybe South Asians are sensitive to alcohol because they have low levels of CYP1A2?
  • Maybe caffeine can enhance and prolong the effects of alcohol?
  • Maybe humans evolved quickly as a result of cooking meat due to the PAH’s and HCA’s creating mutations in our DNA.
  • Cooking food evolved us into the humans we are today.
  • By cooking cruciferous vegetable in turmeric and cumin, slows the activity of CYP1A2, therefore keeping the cancer fighting protective isothiocyanates longer in your body.

One bullet point that stands out is why woman who smoke have lower levels of urinary estrogen.  Is it because the increase level of CYP1A2  metabolizes the estrogen too fast? Thereby sending estrogen into the bloodstream to accumulate in the uterus and breast tissue causing breast density to rise due to the fact that estrogen causes breast cells to divide and multiply?  Never to escape?

All these bullet points were taken from researching nearly indecipherable medical jargon.  I’m sure that somewhere in the jargon describes perfectly well why smokers have lowered estrogen levels in their urine, but to me it doesn’t add up.  I don’t get it.  There is literally no clear answer.  What little I could decipher, I wrote as a clear bullet point.

Conclusion:

My brother rented the movie Bird Man and I’m going to watch it.  I spent waaaaay too much time on this.  I did however, eat a bunch of cabbage just now to increase my CYP1A2 levels so I can flush out that damn latte I had earlier.

It turns out that there’s more than one type of CYP1A2.  It depends on your genes.  It varies like blood type.  I self-diagnosed myself with the slow metabolizing CYP1A2 type – the type that decreases your chances of getting certain cancers, but increases my risk of heart attack (this is my theory, no one else’s).

So I guess it’s safe to conclude that I have low CYP1A2 levels of the slow type of CYP1A2.  I need to start charbroiling my food and eating raw broccoli.

Maybe it’s also related to stress?  Damn it now I want to google CYP1A2 and stress.  When will this be over?  Are you kidding me brain?

Well, according to one guy “….stress alone results in increases in the abundance of proteins responsive to oxidative stress, along with Phase I and II metabolizing enzymes.”

My new bullet point under assumptions (not facts):

  • Stress may cause rapid metabolic function which results in low absorption of cancer fighting agents found in cruciferous veggies.

These enzymes increase in order to rid the body of carcinogens.  And since there’s a strong link between our physical and mental state, these enzymes can’t tell one from the other so mental stress can in turn, cause them to increase.  And upon the increase, all metabolic processes also increase resulting in cell division and abnormal DNA mutations.

I have a crazy whacked out theory that psychological stress is the pre-curser to evolution.

Think about it.

Evolution occurs when our desires don’t match up with our current circumstances (this causes stress).  And according to my recent study, stress causes mutations in our DNA (proven with lab rats).  Thereby allowing me to presume that thought (stress) alone created the way our body looks and operates today.  It’s like our evolution had direction.  Do you know what I mean?  Like our mutations were conscious choices.

And my theory that we fall in love with people who have traits that we desire but lack, our collective desired traits are passed down from generation to generation, creating mutations and in our eyes, a more attractive species.  We are the culmination of our (inherited) desires.

Which brings me back to the belief that WE created US.  God didn’t create us, we did.  We are it.  Don’t get me wrong though, there’s still a God.

If we thought tails were sexy, we’d still have them.  But having a tail means less blood flow to the brain and extremities resulting in lower intelligence and stamina – in other words, we didn’t need them.  Evolution also means to let go of things you’ve out-grown.  Like pants.

Rational Brain – “What about the whole “survival of the fittest” rational?  Black bears living in the South Pole didn’t last long because their little black cubs were easily spotted and snatched up.  So only the white polar bear survived.  Are you saying that polar bears “desired” to mate with white bears and it had nothing to do with the black cubs vulnerability?”

Ugh…..*sign*.

I really wanted to watch Bird Man.

But think about it, seriously.  Stress causes mutations in our DNA – mutations can lead to cancer or it can lead us to an evolutionary leap.  Maybe cancer has to exist in order for us to evolve?  If we stop all abnormal mutations and start growing humans like soy beans with GMO’s and what-not’s, we’d all be the same apple tree for as long as time lasts.

Rational Brain – “Don’t ignore me.  I made a really good argument.”

Oh god I hope I don’t get cancer for writing this.

And cancer is genetic because our bodies are trying to evolve, but not quite getting it right so each generation has to cope with their inherited cancer risk until they hit a generation that surpasses the threat by owning a new mutated gene that wasn’t present in their ancestors.  Like reading minds for instance.  Reading minds would be cool trait.

Rational Brain – “Melanie, stop.  Please just stop.”

One latte!  All this from one latte!

And yeah, I know I sound crazy.

So much went down today.  I want to fire one of my employee’s and I didn’t even broach the subject.  That was my original intension for writing this post – to tell you the story of how I want to fire one of my employee’s.

OMG brain….you distracted little pissant.  You hath no focus.  Or do you have too much focus?

I think I need to eat more cabbage.

Oh and get this!  Don’t you find it strange that the same time we start cooking food is the same time our evolution speeds up?  It’s like having those fatty juices falling into the open flame helped speed up the process.  It’s like evolution never would have occurred without the use of fire.  I mean, homo sapiens never would’ve occurred.  Something else?  Maybe.

Shamans believe that fire heals and acts as the gateway between worlds.

The last time I did ayahuasca with them, I understood more deeply the healing aspects of fire but I never got the chance to write about it because I was working non-stop at the time.

In essence, the fire (in my case), represented my thoughts.  They burned, engulfed me, consumed me – but it was the smoke that felt healing.  It’s hard to describe, but it was like watching my thoughts burn and then release.  Burning, then releasing.  But I also understood that the healing smoke wouldn’t be produced without the burning fire, so both needed to exist which makes them equally important to the healing process.

While I’m on the subject, another thing I got out of my last ayahuasca experience was the impenetrable loneliness I felt from the idea that I’m the only one inhabiting my mind.  I’m the only one in here.  It’s just me.  And if our perception of the world is responsible for the world we are given, it felt as though I was the only person living in my world, do you understand?  It’s just me living in my own little world.  Isolated, completely cut-off.

This sent me into the dreaded ayahuasca world of fear.  A lot of people go through it.  It’s basically a panic attack.  And I swear if it were anyone else besides me who experienced this particular fear, this dreadful thought, it would’ve resulted in an outburst – a verbal cry of hysterical panic.

But I knew what was happening because shit like that happened to me before, without the help of aya.  I taken several deep breaths over and over while staring into the fire and remembering what the shaman told me – “the fire will eat your demons so long as you stare into it.  When the demons come, the fire will cleanse them.”

And so I stared, I breathed, I remembered his words and then I saw it.  I saw my thoughts in the fire being swallowed up and turning to smoke.  Letting go of them was like watching myself float away with its ashes.

My panic lasted for maybe 5 minutes before slowly vanishing.

“Are you almost done leaving me yet?  Nope, still there.  Almost out of me now?  Almost….almost.  The smoke, watch the smoke.  My thoughts are drifting away with the smoke.”

And then it was gone.

A post or two (or three) ago, I wrote that somehow my emotional sensitivity made me a stronger person.  Two days ago while I was giving a massage, I understood why this is.  It was a pristine explanation with no holes.

Allowing myself to feel without distraction or the self-inflated shallowness of ego or “rightness” (which too, is a distraction), I’m able to connect with the selfless side of me.  One who suffers for (with) others.

Okay okay, I know how I sound right now and trust me – I do NOT think myself a wondrous sparkly saint sporting a halo.  I’m NOT trying to make myself sound grand – that is not my intention.

Eh hem…aya told me I was a martyr….eh hem….

But I understood how my weakness is strength.

Rational Brain – “Go to bed.  It’s too late for Bird Man.”

Let me just finish this thought.

A coward is someone who’s selfish.  Someone who care’s nothing for anyone but themselves and so they focus on survival and distractions, feeling big and powerful.  But those who are affected deeply by the human plight, and not try to escape from it, care for others besides themselves.

It’s common sense, but when you look at it from the eschewed angle of experience, it tends to make even more common sense.  Does that make sense?

When you care for others, that’s where you’ll find courage.  In fact, it might be the only place to find courage.  That’s why ayahuasca made it abundantly clear that giving is everything and strength is beauty.  You give out of piety, not pity.  Your strength comes from weakness, not power.

My strength, my “weakness”, is the stress put upon my shoulders that evolves me.  It can either eat me as a cancer, or evolve me into something greater.  Stay in the fire, or release me to the heavens.  According to ayahuasca, I get to choose.

Rational Brain – “I’m speechless.  Tonight, for once, being rational is not the beautiful thing to be.”

You’re wrong.  Being rational accentuates my philosophy.  I’m the flame and you’re the smoke – the exquisite aftermath.

And according to ayahuasca, you can only gain understanding with experience.  And according to me, experience occurs when you have an emotional reaction.  So in theory, the more you emotionally connect with an experience, the more likely you are to understand it.  My emotional vulnerability (not to be confused with instability), connects more freely with others, hence I can understand them.  And shit man, sometimes I wish I didn’t.

Rational Brain – “The cabbage didn’t help get rid of the caffeine, did it.”

I’m not anxious anymore, just awake.  Awake at 2am.

Damn, I just remembered about the employee I want to fire.  That post will be at least 1500 words.  I can’t believe how I didn’t write about it at ALL.  I can’t believe I didn’t write about Thailand!

I have so much stuff to write about.  The things I do, the people in my life, my everyday shenanigans….none of it takes precedence while I’m “in the moment”.  While being consumed by the flames.

It’s like none of it’s important to me but than again, it’s my life!  It’s my actual life that I’m not writing about – the purpose of my blog is to record and chronicle my life but instead, some other part takes the reigns.  A part that I have no control over.  Which makes me believe that my writing serves a purpose greater than my personal desires.

Rational Brain – “Again with the big head.  You write shit online and get carried away with it.”

Oh shut up and go to bed.

Rational Brain – “You first.”

2,801 words later……I need help.

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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

And the saga continues….

Om num sha body Om num sha body Om num sha body……

b59f61d6b701638f874fb2a16f967258efd8a893

You know that feeling just before your heart gets ripped from your chest?  When a big sweaty Indian man with crazed eyes sticks his hand in your chest (without sterilizing it first) and pulls out your still beating heart so it can burst into flames before your very eyes?

You know that feeling?

Well, I’m feeling it now.  Right at this very moment.  My eyes are wide with fright.

I just hired not one esthetician, but two.  TWO!!!  To do micro-current facials.  I interviewed both of them today, one right after the other and I liked them both.

Shit shit shit.

I must pray.  Do you have any idea how expensive employee’s are?  They’re freaking expensive, that’s how much they are.  Did you know a butt-load is an actual number?  I’m serious.  Butt is a unit of load.  Look it up.

But these girls do it all….Waxing, scrubs, LED light therapy, body wraps – both being experts in the field and placed in top managerial positions at their previous jobs.  I can easily see manager written all of them.

Thank the lord but OM NUM SHA BODY is my chant for this evening.  Every time my mind wonders to something different, but then remembers – I’ll be chanting OM NUM SHA BODY all day today, and possibly into next month and the month after that.

I’m laying in bed.  I just got home a little while ago.  Should I sleep?  I’m already lying here and in my pajama’s…..

OM NUM SHA BODY

Shit shit shit please oh please god.

I hope it works.  I shall part the heavens with my prayer.  I bought a Jesus bobble head for my car the other day and my mother blessed it with holy water.  I’m going to sleep with it tonight.

I’m not religious in the least but when a person is dying, that’s when they pray.  And since I’m having my heart ripped from my chest cavity and all…..

Why don’t they have stuffed Jesus dolls?  Or Jesus action figures like GI Joe, only have it be GI Jesus?  With his 12 disciples, lamb and myrrh accessories.  The Jesus doll can cry holy water and excrete concentrated evil out his bum.  Jesus Pocket instead of Polly Pocket.  Jesus in a barrel instead of monkeys in a barrel.

Okay, so here’s my plan:

1)  Get these girls on the schedule

2)  Announce micro-current facials to my 2,000 clients

3)  Sell 40 more memberships

4)  Rent the two empty rooms upstairs

5)  Hire more massage therapists

6)  Take myself off the schedule so I only work one day a week (maybe two).

And by the summer I’ll be cruising across the country on my motorcycle.

The question is, can this be done?  Can I seriously do this?  By the summer?  Without losing EVERYTHING in the process?!

I written down a few awesome philosophical debates for me and my rational brain to discuss, but I don’t have the capacity for it now.

Rational brain – “……….”

Yes that’s right.  Stay silent.

I wonder if there’s anything to eat upstairs…

temple

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Filed under humor, journal, rant

Don’t read this. It’s boring.

Here’s my day yesterday;

I worked, came home, ate, worked, came home, ate, worked, came home, ate.

I only had three clients but my day was shot and I got nothing done.  I’m not working as much as before, but I’m still working just as much if that makes sense.  The horrible part is that they’re ALL REQUESTS!

Most of them are from my old business, Massage by Melanie.  They text me, call the office, email – doing anything they can to score an appointment with me.

Yesterday I had three, the day before that I had four, today I have four.  I can’t escape it.  And not only can I not escape it, but why do these people love me so much?  There’s at least over 60 of them by now.  At least over 60.  And I grew close to many of them.

That’s the crummy thing.  Being close to them.  Feeling what they feel, caring about them.  All the while I’m wishing they’d adhere to one of my employee’s just as they do with me.

This situation reminds me of my social life.

I’m the type of person who doesn’t like having a lot of friends.  All I need is one or two good ones and then I have them become friends with the new people I acquire because it’s like killing two birds with one stone.  Nobody feels left out and it’s less work for me.  It’s like I create a home for myself.  One where I’m free to roam, but everything’s still in tact when I return.

My employee’s are my home-base and my clients are the new people I acquire.

When it comes down to it, having free time is something that I yearn for.  It’s just as valuable to me as money.  In fact, I would say my time is more valuable than money and the only reason I value money is for the sake that it buys freedom.

Massage exhausts me just as having a lot of friends exhausts me.  I should be nobody’s answer.

It’s just that I feel like I have something to do.  Something really important.  Something that requires me to have only one bucket (if you read my bucket post you’d know what I mean).

And I’ve always felt this way!  Ever since I could remember I always felt that I had something of the upmost importance to do in this life, but I’m always being pulled away from it.

I’m laying in bed on a Sunday morning.  A week away from spring.

This has literally been the longest winter of my life.  I left for Thailand while it was cold out, and I came back from Thailand while it was at it’s coldest – and it’s still cold!

I feel like a kid again reliving long seasons that last a lifetime.  It’s as though the other seasons never existed.

I’m staring at a micro-current facial machine.  It’s on a rolling cart here in my bedroom.  It’s like I’m sitting on a winning lottery ticket but I’m too busy to cash it in.  But if I do cash it in, I can finally have my time, my freedom.

My life is like an RPG video game – it’s just like an RPG!  I work, I toil, collect money to spend on upgrades, build up experience points to ward off infiltration from demons.  What I mean by demons, I mean my personal demons.

I keep racking up points until I defeat all fear and then I can finally claim the freedom I worked so hard for.

It’s now a few days later.

My employee broke her arm.

She broke her arm!!  Do you have any idea how much it sucks for a massage therapist to break an arm?  It sucks.  It sucks a lot.  Especially if you have three kids and massaging is your only source of income.

Employee – “Would I be able to answer phones until it’s all better?”

Of course she can answer phones.  In fact, I’m in desperate need of a receptionist.  Not only that, but I care about this employee a LOT.

My new therapist, the man I hired to work weekends, will pick up her morning shifts during the week.  Everything will be okay.

As soon as I hire an esthetician to do micro-current facials, my income will increase enough to train my broken armed therapist to learn ashiatsu.  She can walk on clients backs so she won’t even need her arm.

Last night I spent over $300 to post an esthetician job.  I’m using Ziprecruiter, Monster and Indeed.  Zip recruiter sucks by the way, don’t use them.

Waiting for an esthetician to apply is like waiting for spring.

My other therapist just texted me saying that she burnt her hand and can’t take her client tonight which means I have to do it.  I was planning to go indoor rock climbing but when you’re a business owner, you basically have no life outside of work.

I’m here now.  Sitting in work manning the phones.  It’s slow today so my morning girl blocked her day off and didn’t come in and the other one is recuperating until tomorrow when she can start answering phones here.

I’m only here for the phones and the occasional walk-in customer.  I don’t mind working as long as it doesn’t involve massaging people.  Unfortunately, I have to tonight because my therapist burnt her hand.

A few days ago I massaged a woman from my old building that I used to work at.

Client – “There were other massage therapists renting spaces there before you did and none of them made it.  You’re the only one who made a real go of it.”

Me – “I literally had no life outside of work.  I was always there.”

Client – “And you’re smart.  You know how to market yourself.  You knew how to put a website together.”

None of them made it….Am I special?  Am I smart?

That’s what I was thinking just before my head blew up and I felt like the god of massage.

No, I’m still not there yet.  I’m still working way too much for me to label myself successful.  God of massage? Yes.  Successful?  No.

It’s so nice here when nobody else is here.  I can crank up the music and unleash my consciousness into the void (AKA dance).

I’m currently working on a new form of meditation.  Well, it’s not new exactly – I’ve been practicing it since I first began writing 20 years ago.  It’s complete and utter honesty meditation.  Authentic soul meditation is what I call it.

You can only grow as a person when you’re being completely honest with yourself.  You bypass the ego and strike pure heart.  It’s like when you do something over and over again – it doesn’t matter what it is – you eventually hit the sweet spot of no ego and you can call yourself a master.

I want mastery of the self.

So how am I feeling right at this very moment?  What’s going on in my head?

It’s so weird to know that all this business stuff I talk about is completely irrelevant in comparison to the bigger picture.

What am I feeling right now?

Tired.  My spirit is repelled by the thought of massaging people and it’s making me tired beyond reason.

I have more clients than I know what to do with – more clients than any massage therapist I know of.  How is this possible?  I never met a massage therapist that didn’t like her job.  Never.  And I never met one with as many clients as I have.  Nothing adds up.  None of it makes sense.

A new client just walked in and her therapist isn’t here yet.  Adonis, my male therapist.  Where is he?  She’s really early though.

It’s a good thing I came into work today.

Having my broken armed therapist answer phones and sit here will be a huge asset for when stuff like this happens.  Plus the phone rang at least 5 times while I was here.

Yesterday was Monday, my day off.  I worked from home for the first three hours after waking up and then laid in bed for the rest of the day watching anime on crunchyroll.  Anime has it’s own version of Netflix and it’s called Crunchyroll.  $8 dollars a month, ad free cartoons.

I didn’t feel like cooking, so I ate whatever I could find in the fridge.  Four hard-boiled eggs and a few slices of spam that my brother fried up for his breakfast earlier.  And that lasted me all day.

I laid around watching cartoons, eating hard-boiled eggs and spam.  The worst part of this scenario is that there was no other place I’d rather be and nothing else I’d rather be doing.

I feel bad.  The client is just sitting here waiting for Adonis.  It’s awkward for me.  I never know what to say to people.  Whew, he’s here.

So the thing is, with being brutally honest with one’s self is that, well, it’s all perspective.  There IS no truth, no real honesty.  I’ve written about it before.  That “I”, my “self” does not exist.

A couple days ago I was talking with a friend who only see’s the bad.  She only see’s that I was negative $10,000 last year, only see’s that I have $500 in my savings account, only see’s that I still live at home.  She thought me going to Thailand during the holiday season was a mistake when I should’ve been here raking in the dough with holiday specials.

Of course she’s right but she’s right from her perspective.  From my perspective, everything is going according to plan and since this is my life to live, I’m not going to wait to live it until everything’s “settled”.  I’m already 35 and I don’t want to miss anymore of it than I already did.  I never want to live with regret, or to lose sight of what’s really important.

And besides, when you factor in how much I accomplished last year – all my member clients, all my new therapists, getting out of my stink hole office, I’d say that I’m doing a pretty bang up job.

And so I’ll eat my spam and hard-boiled eggs while watching cartoons all day – that’s exactly what I wanted to do yesterday and I still have fond memories of it.

I haven’t been having any weird dreams lately.  It’s like I’m too tightly folded into this world of business to ponder anything else.  I’m still too busy.

When I start having my crazy-ass profound dreams again, I’ll know that I’m free once again from everyday toil.

I’m tired, still.  My client will be here in 15 minutes.

I’m not happy with this post but screw it.  It’ll be a long while until I’m happy with any posts.  I’m shooting for the summer.

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Business Blurb Before Bed

Hello blog

my midnight snack

my devilish retina burning time sap

It’s nearing midnight and I want to write.  About what?  I don’t know.  But something always comes and I end up with red scratchy eyes in the morning.

I did nothing for three days straight.  It was a well received vacation.  I normally have at least two clients a day that request me, which means that I had to tell over 60 people how my trip to Thailand was.

“Good.  It was good.”

“Good.  It was good.”

Repeat that 60 times over while giving a massage each time.  And that about wraps up what I’ve been up to since getting back.

As absurd as it sounds (since I write a blog and all), I don’t like talking about myself.  More like, I don’t like mechanically answering questions when my hearts not into it.  Everything has to happen organically.  And for the most part, I’m organically inclined to not talk about myself or my crazy family unless I can connect it to the moment.  Otherwise, what’s the point in bringing it up?

I just discovered a way for me to lose weight without diet or exercise.  Want to know what it is?  And no, this does not connect to the moment but I’m a hypocrite.

Cashews!

I am head over heals allergic to cashews.  Possibly all tree nuts for that matter.  I just found this out by eating a handful of cashews two days ago only to have massive stomach cramps, nausea, and a trip to the bathroom about an hour after ingesting them.

As an experiment, I did it again yesterday and the same thing happened.  The pain was severe, I almost threw up, but the relief that came after I let loose in the bathroom was incredible.  My stomach actually looks slimmer from the trauma I caused to my intestinal organs these past few days.

They don’t work as well as Thailand though (I’ll save that for my Thailand post).

Last month was a good month business-wise.  I managed to net $1000 after all my unwarranted purchases.  $1000 after paying my personal bills, going out, eBay and Amazon shopping….etc.

It feels good, but I still don’t have that “settled” feeling, you know?  It’s like I need to eat more cashews.

What I mean by eating more cashews is that I have to start eating into my debt.  It’s just as painful as eating cashews, but just as satisfying when it’s over and done with.  I feel lighter.

I finally finished my taxes during my three day hiatus.  I somehow made over $100,000 this year.  Where the hell did it go?  I calculated everything as accurately as I could on Turbo Tax and it said I made a net income of negative $10,000 or something.

When you’re negative, state law prohibits you from filing online and you have to do it old-school, by mail.  So I actually LIED on my tax return stating that I made more money than I actually did – just so I could e-file.

It’s not that I’m lazy……

So, according to my 2014 tax return, I made $2,000.  Unless there’s a loophole for buying a house, I don’t foresee it happening anytime soon.  And since I made over $100,000, I’m now targeted for audits which I’ll find hilarious if they do audit me only to find that I held back deductions.  Truthfully, they owe me money (something to do with rollbacks or roll forwards) but I’m not a tax savvy expert with elbow patches sewn into her blazer and know’s how to file old-school.

My incompetence costs $1000, the money I paid last year when I filed.  But what’s $1000 when you have $100,000?  Haha I’m an idiot.

Completely unconnected, I hired a big black man to work Sundays which made me proud of myself for not being a racist but I stopped by last night to put down a new carpet and checked the cash drawer only to find it skimpier than usual.  And where was the first place my mind went?  Can you guess?

So yeah, maybe I am a racist.  But I swear I can’t help it.  It’s like an autoimmune knee-jerk response.

No Mel, no.  Stop.  I have to consciously tell myself that.  But at the same time, I don’t want to white-wash over everything.  Lol, white-wash….White washing cracka is what I am.

So with my new sturdy man under my wing, Saturday is my only “full” day of work.  By “full” day I mean at least four clients.  It has taken me almost a year to get here and lord knows I’m tired.

I’m tired, but not settled.  There’s still work to do.  Pay down my debt and add micro-current facials to the menu.  If I had no debt, I’d be $2000 richer every month.

I better get some sleep.  I have two clients tomorrow.

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Filed under All about me, journal

Chirashi Sushi

“I’m majorly craving sushi today.  I’m famished!”

Rational Brain – “See if anyone wants Sushi House after work.”

“Yes!  Sushi House!  All you can eat you cannot beat!”

Rational Brain – “You can even offer to pay for everyone.  You had a really good month and should spread the joy.”

“Absolutely!”

I pick up my phone and ready myself to text.

Rational Brain – “But since you have the means to pay for someone else’s dinner, why don’t you just buy yourself two dinners and get take-out?  That way you can play your video game.”

“That sounds…..WONDERFUL!”

And that’s how I ordered and ate two chirashi sushi dinners.  Two soups & two salads also.  Why did I order two of the same meal you ask?  My email, chirashigirl at yahoo, is no accident.

I started wondering if maybe I might have a problem.  Not an eating problem, I still manage to stay trim somehow.  But a different kind of problem.

The best way to figure out if you have a problem is to see yourself from an outsiders perspective.  The outsiders perspective I chose was that of a parent – a mother.  “How would I feel if I had a daughter just like me?”

I went on an imaginary online forum for mothers complaining about their kids and wrote this:

Mom – “My daughter, Melanie, might have a problem.  She’s 35 years old, still lives with us, and she spends most of her time playing video games.  She has free time now that her business is doing so well, and she can spend days at a time in her pajama’s never leaving the house.  I’m worried about her isolation.”

Commenter – “Does she have any goals or hobbies?”

Mom – “She has too many goals if you ask me.  But once she sets her mind on something, she always follows through.  Right now she’s working on building up her client base so she can go cross-country on a motorcycle, take me and her father to Italy, and eventually buy a house.”

Commenter – “Does she seem like she’s happy playing video games and being in her pajama’s all day?”

Mom – “I’ve never seen her this happy.  That’s why I’m worried.  Is it normal?  She has no interest in getting married, having kids or even dating.”

Commenter – “Does she have friends?”

Mom – “I think so.  She wanted to go out to eat the other day with a friend but she got take-out instead.  Her reasoning was that she can get two dinners for herself instead of offering to pay for her friends meal.  And she gets to stay home in her pajama’s and play video games.”

Commenter – “So you’re telling me that your daughter is completely happy and content, has viable goals that she’s achieving, likes to travel, is self-sufficient, get’s to do NOTHING all day if she wants, and you’re worried why?”

Mom – “Um, okay never mind then.”

My only problem is that I’m selfish.  I wanted to address this issue by volunteering at a shelter or food place.  So I went on the website, Meals on Wheels, and discovered that one of the requirements to volunteer is that you have to be 55 or older.

I gave up and closed the lid of my laptop.

After writing my last post about casting the Patronus spell to get rid of dementors, I broke through into a bi-polar high.

If you can’t tell, I’m a little high on myself right now.  It’s subtle, but I assure you, it’s there.

It’s all about asking the right questions and to avoid at all costs, seeing no hope in any situation.

Whatever solution you may find yourself with will need one of two things:  Courage or faith.

If you have faith in a plan that can’t lose, you don’t need courage.  But if your faith is faulty, that’s when you’ll need courage.

And if you need courage, that often foretells that you’ll just have to plan more.  But this is where our evolutionary process occurs – by taking action using courage alone.  This is where we find choice – you find your power.

Rational Brain – “Why in the hell did you start writing a post like this at 1:30 in the morning?  You knew it was going to be a transfixed philosophical ramble that gives you insomnia!”

I had no idea I swear!  I was just going to write about my chirashi dinner episode because I thought it was funny.  Look, I even named this post after it!

Rational Brain – “Yeah right.  Anyway, take me through your thought process on this.  How does courage give you choice?”

You’ll have to use your emotional side of the brain for this because words can’t grasp what I’m about to say.  You’ll have to take a minute to feel it.

Rational Brain – “Ooooh-kay….how can I feel what you’re saying?”

Have you ever been so angry that you snapped?  A choice was made to hurt the person offending you.  You snapped and wanted that other person to feel the pain they caused you.  Have you ever felt that?

Rational Brain – “You know I have.  At least 3 or 4 times in my life.”

It’s like that, only non-violent.  When you make a choice that your heart is fused with, it’s undeniable action – you have to do something to avoid yourself further pain.  You start seeing your choice.  It’s like lifting the veil.  You feel your power, your own potential.  You take action without a plan because courage was thrust upon you.

Another way to help you emotionally connect with my words is that old saying “there is no try, only do.”  That saying always struck home for me personally.

Choice, in essence, IS action.  Taking action is the same as making a choice.  They are the same thing.  They happen simultaneously.  You can’t ask me to explain it, it’s one of those old truths that feels ruthlessly correct without explanation or rationalization.  It’s the same kind of truth ayahuasca taught me.

But this is where things get weird…..

Once the action has started, once it has moved, things start happening without your influence.  I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

My latest choice was to move out of my parents house as soon as humanly possible.  I was going to wait until I paid off my debt and saved a little for a down payment on a house, but I HAD to get out.  I was at the breaking point I mentioned earlier.

It’s all to do with my crazy aunt and OCD cousin who live with us.

There was a tremendous blow-out at my house a few days ago because my cousin was running the water…..again.  Our bathroom sink downstairs (where my boisterous temperamental brother and his girlfriend reside) clogged and as OCD cousin ran the water in the upstairs bathroom, it rose quickly up the drain and splashed onto the floor in our bathroom below him.

My brother was telling OCD cousin to stop running the water, but he wouldn’t stop.  If you knew my brother, this situation got ugly fast.  That’s to say the absolute least.  My bro was at his limit.

Basically without getting into too much detail, my aunt screamed that she was calling the cops – several times she screamed it but never called for fear it would be her son taken away.

OCD cousin…..OMG….OCD cousin, I’ve never heard a grown man squeal like that – literally squeal in a such an ear piercing manner like a child.  It sounded – no joke – like he had murderous rage.  I’ve never heard murderous rage from anybody before, but that was it.  Definitely it.

The only time I came out of my bedroom was to assess the damage done to our bathroom and help my dad and my brothers girlfriend clean it up.  I came out one other time to calm down my brothers girlfriend who was getting an onslaught of insults thrown at her from my crazy aunt.

Me – “Don’t respond to her.  You can’t reason with crazy and it’ll only make you crazy for trying.”

She was shaking with anger.

Me and my brother, and possibly my dad, know that OCD cousin is capable of evil things.  I say this as honestly as I can – the dude would kill us.  All of us.  Most likely in our sleep.

And we actually KNOW this!  For real for real!

My brother – “You better lock your door tonight.”

My brother and his girlfriend braved the snow storm and moved out that night.  That’s when I realized I needed to get out of dodge too.  My heart was set and I started looking at apartments.

Anyway, long story long, my crazy aunt and OCD cousin left here and my brother is back living with us again.

Crazy aunt and OCD cousin are staying with my Aunt Rosemary for the time being.  I don’t know how that happened, only that they are gone.

I’ve never been happier.  I mean, I’m falling off my rocker with joy!  Not only by them leaving, but my business had a REALLY good month.  I have four days left of February so I’ll write a post March 1st on how it did.

You must think I’m horrible for turning family away, so I’ll tell you two of my cousins latest freak-outs:  He made my 70 year old mother leave the house at night in the bitter cold to buy him lemonade, and he shit his pants and got his shitty pants all over the bathroom floor.  He didn’t even clean it up.

And that’s just TWO of his latest antics, before causing a landslide in our bathroom downstairs and squealing murderous rage at my brother.  Not to mention he can fill a swimming pool in one weekend with how much water he wastes.

Anyway, I stopped writing about them because I couldn’t find a solution to my problem (being them).  I don’t complain when there’s no solution.  And the reason why NONE of us should complain when there is no solution is because it’s your own damn fault.  It was my fault for living here.  But alas, the energy has moved, a choice made, and things started happening in my favor without my influence – without doing anything really, just deciding.

Them leaving is a better option than me having to move out.  I pay $1,000 a month towards my debt, it would never get paid if I moved out now.

Ayahuasca told me that there is always a choice.

Me – “How do I get to choose?”

Ayahuasca – “With faith.”

Me – “How do I get faith?”

Ayahuasca – “With courage.”

Me – “But how do I find the courage?”

Ayahuasca – “Through suffering.”

I’m sensitive to the extreme, I can be weak, easily hurt.  I don’t know how or why, but it’s my fragile nature and my weakness that makes me strong.  It’s like, I have something to live for, you know?  It’s hard to explain.  If I didn’t feel what I feel, I wouldn’t do what I do.

I still want to write about how asking questions is tied in with awareness, but it’s too late for that.

Rational Brain – “Another night perhaps.”

Yes, another night.

I still need to write about Thailand…

 

 

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Filed under journal, My OCD cousin who wants to kill me, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help